Hey hey...I'm back.  I love not having cartilage in my knees.  I was crawling around on my knees while weeding and planting today and I am paying for it something fierce right about now.  I like how my knee is locking up if I don't move it every minute.  I love getting old.  Time for links.

1.  Blah blah blah public transportation blah blah blah hell blah blah blah here's 25 reasons not to ride the bus.

2.  I remember back when I started teaching high school a group of the nerdy kids wanted me to settle a dispute and they came up to me and asked, "Mr. Awesome, which is better: pirates or ninjas?"  I usually answered "Spartans".  Anyway, I never quite understood the fascination with pirates.  They have pretty much been glorified by movies.  Here's some pirate myths that people believe because of movies.

3.  As I was showering today and trying to wash myself I thought that maybe I should get some liposuction and then I found this photo collection of plastic surgery fails.

4.  I found this article a long time ago.  It's about how ugly people can't hide flaws online.  I cry whenever I read it because it's so true for me.

5.  Some of you who pay attention may know that I enjoy pro-wrestling.  I always thought it would be fun to pursue but as my body started failing my dreams of bodyslamming Hulk Hogan faded away but then I got thinking I could be a manager.  Managers are so awesome but they are underutilized these days.  Anyway here's a collection of the ten greatest managers in wrestling history.

6.  I'm pretty sure I shared this before but I'll share it again.  I always loved receiving notes in the school office that were basically about me but never they never mentioned me by name.  I just love passive aggressive behavior and I guess I have been guilty of that in my motivation posts but anyway here's Passive Aggressive Notes.

7.  A while back I talked about my love for Draw Something, a draw game on the smartphones or whatever.  Well I found this Tumblr site that a guy has devoted to all his drawings on Draw Something.  He draws all of his photos with Hitler in the drawing and includes the phrase "ignore Hitler".  I guess you have to see it so here's the site called Ignore Hitler.

8.  Do you like Mystery Science Theater 3000?  Do you miss that show?  I know I answered both of those questions with a "yes".  Well here is a Tumblr that has compiled full episodes of MST3K from Youtube.

9.  I found this tumblr site this week.  It's called Ask the Fonz.  People ask Fonzie for advice and he answers like only Fonzie can.

10.  If you hadn't heard, there's a gubernatorial recall going on here in Wisconsin.  I found this interesting site detailing the large contributors ($1000 or more) to the Scott Walker campaign.  I think more are from out of state than from in state.  It's so weird how that is happening.

11.  Remember Perfect Strangers?  Well here's a Perfect Strangers game called Nothing's Gonna Stop Me.

12.  And if you have nothing better to do, here's another game. I guess Wolfenstein 3D is now 20 years old so here is a web-based version of the game.  Go kill some Nazis!

What is that hurricane doing to America's wang?

I usually get my steak rare or blue rare just so the cows won't burn down my house.

Sorry, but it's true.

So I'm curious...who has been photographing my house?

Yeah, Clay Matthews is gonna smash this season.

I'm all tingly with anticipation for this season.  I think my team is going to be a contender.  Yes, MY team.  How many of you are an owner of your favorite NFL team?

The cake I got my mom for Mother's Day was not well received.

It's a promo for the new movie Alien vs. Sexual Predator.  Actually I think Arnold is finally meeting his love child with Whoopi Goldberg.

Doctors told them they should stay away from alcohol.

Revenge is a dish best served smothered in parsley.

Words to remember.

This is a cool post.

So my last pulse...I didn't post yesterday and I was sort of looking for something to say and well that was all that was on my mind.  I went out to a greenhouse last night and stocked up on raspberry and blueberry plants and some garlic bulbs and this morning I planted them.  I have a dozen new raspberry plants and two new blueberry plants.  I think I must've planted about 100 garlic bulbs.  I also planted some grass seed from where the concrete company tore up my new driveway and just packed down dirt.  Anyway, I'm sort of tired but I'm here to drop some tattoos on you or whatever.  I'm not good with the slang any longer.

Back when I asked you to think of historical figures to see if there were tattoos of those people, @distractedbyzombies mentioned Caesar.  Well I didn't know if he meant Julius Caesar, Caesar Augustus or this guy, Caesar Chavez.  I am shocked I found two Caesar Chavez tattoos.


I love these Hunter S Thompson tattoos.

So while looking for Hunter S Thompson tattoos I stumbled across this one.  It's not really Thompson but Johnny Depp as Thompson.  I could imagine someone going into a tattoo parlor saying how much they love Hunter S Thompson and they present a photo they want tattooed and it's a photo of Johnny Depp from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

This might be the best Lenin tattoo I've ever seen but then it's the only Lenin tattoo I've ever seen.

Il Papa...looking rather satanic.  I'm just surprised there aren't any swastikas on that tattoo just for good measure.

Princess Dianna...I've had this in my files for quite some time because I couldn't figure out what that was in her mouth but then I sort of figured it was what was rumored to be her last meal but I was hoping it was a giant dill pickle.  I can't say that is the worst tribute to her.  That honor goes to the Beanie Baby that bore her name.  That thing was demonic.

And while I'm covering the royal family...seriously?  Remember all the hoopla behind that wedding.  And we never got to see any boobs.

A while back I posted a photo of a Skrillex tattoo and a day or so later I received an email and comment from the owner of that tattoo.  Well I don't think my comments were any worse than some of the ones where I got this photo from on Tumblr.  That person was labeled a waste of a human.  I do love the fact that someone took time out of their life to create a Xanga account to tell me what a horrible person I am for mocking a Skrillex tattoo.  That guy is now number three.

The Beatles...this may be one of the best Beatles tattoos I've come across.

I can't remember if I posted this but here's zombie Johnny Cash.  He walks the line for brains

Here's zombie Buddy Holly.  If'n you knew, Peggy Sue had tasty brains then you'd know why zombie Buddy Holly is blue.

Ed Gein...I was just reading an article about the Amittyville Horror and how people in Amittyville don't like to talk about the murders or the supposed haunting.  They should've did what the residents of Plainfield, WI did after Gein's trial; they burned down his farm.  This way you don't have tourists gawking at the house of horrors or people trying to make money on his ghoulish practices.

Jack Nicholson...that is quite an amazing tattoo.  I can't believe they even captured the smoke ring.  The only drawback to that tattoo is the way his lips are pursed.  If that is a girl who has that tattoo I may have really bad aim.

Josef Stalin...they said he was the man of steel but the person who bears his image doesn't look his has much steel to him.

John Stewart...of course there's a tattoo of John Stewart, he's our most important Jew.

Vin Scully...legendary Los Angeles Dodgers broadcaster.  Sometimes baseball can be quite boring and the only way it's made enjoyable is the play-by-play men.  There have been three that I've enjoyed that can paint baseball in a way that makes it so vivid that I don't even have to see it with my eyes but can see it with my ears.  Those three are Vin Scully, Harry Caray, and Bob Uecker.  I loved Caray more for his inane conversation.  But Vin Scully, there was just something so relatable to that guy.  I always remember hearing him call a game and when going through injuries he said a player's name and announced he was day to day.  Then he said, "aren't we all."  That sort of blew my mind because I wouldn't think of something so deep during a baseball game.

He was the greatest boxer of all time and now Muhammad Ali is the greatest tattoo of all time.

Lou Gehrig...today, I will feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth if you leave me some eprops.

How about instead of hating on people on Xanga we do something productive like catch Kony or legalize LSD?

So often I want to be like Martin Luther and post something revolutionary but I usually settle for writing 95 reasons why someone is a douchebag and then I staple it to their forehead.

I felt bad playing in the World Series of Poker a few years ago when I was going up against an amputee. I told him to fold because he didn’t have a good hand. 

My life can be summed up by “When you try your hardest and still don’t succeed.”

Ladies, I am a polite gentleman.  I will hold doors open for you.  I’ll open the car door for you.  I’ll carry you over puddles.  I’ll bring you flowers.  I’ll shower you with compliments after I shower myself with soap and water and not just cologne because I'm not that Irish.  I’ll politely ask if I can fondle your breasts. I am a gentleman.

A radio station near me once had a disgruntled employee and he programmed a continuous loop of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”for an entire day.  No one seemed to notice because most radio stations only have four songs in their rotation.

Because the world is becoming more obese, Led Zeppelin is in works to re-release “Stairway to Heaven” but they plan on calling it “Escalator to Heaven”.  I know I’d ride it.

I think the best way to weigh yourself is when you are naked.  I just wish they understood at the pharmacy.

I once worked as a waiter and one of my first customers was a vampire.  He ordered a steak and I asked how he’d like it and he said, “Not wooden and nowhere near my heart.”

I think the reason I sleep on my stomach is because subconsciously I think I’m a superhero and my blanket is my cape.

I once suggested a student read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”.  That student came to tell me how much they enjoyed the book after class and they said, “Mr. Awesome, that book was the bomb.  When I got to the part about Columbus and the Native Americans, I was all like ‘Oh hell no, Christopher Columbus with your stank ass.’”

I sometimes will look back on my life and have a hard time believing about things that have happened. I question if it really happened because some events are just really out there like going to school with a crimefighter named Checkerman to getting a job application from a guy named Christ. I know this isn’t a joke and if you don’t like it let me know so I can block you because my brother was saved by Checkerman when the evil Chessmaster took him hostage but he was later killed by the Monopoly Man, who was driving the thimble while drunk.

Whatever happened to Dane Cook?  Did he die? Must be, since his career sure did. If there is one thing that Dane Cook has taught us it’s that using a curse word every other word in a sentence it’s hilarious.

If people ask me to do something and I say, “No problem,”it’s usually because I’m being polite and that’s a better thing to say than“that was inconvenient and I won’t point it out because if I do you’ll call me a cunt.”

The best part about the internet is that no matter what you think there is some idiot out there that agrees with you.  I’m happy I found my “The center of the Earth is made of marshmallows and barbecue ribs” support group.

If someone uses the word “gay” in a way that doesn’t refer to homosexuality and no one around is offended is it still offensive?

When I go to the movies, I never have to worry about putting my phone on silent because no one ever calls or texts me.

I sort of wish dating in real life was like The Sims where all you have to do is flirt a few times and then you’re married that night and you never get divorced.

I got kicked out of Walmart because I gave myself a genital exam.  I guess I misunderstood the concept of a self-checkout lane.

If any of you forgot to get your mom something for Mother’s Day it’s not to late to get her a good gift. Just put the toilet seat down.

I remember the time my girlfriend bought Chicago Cubs pajamas.  I never scored after she bought them.  We were really into S&M.  She always slept and I masturbated.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

And in case you didn't know, some of those were for my female followers because well I'm trying to turn over a new leaf but I think in my case underneath that leaf is a dog turd.  Anyway, I love you, ladies that follow me. 

Have you ever noticed how racist TV is?  When white girls get pregnant, they get an entire season of “16 and Pregnant” on MTV, but when black girls get pregnant,they’re lucky to get 5 minutes on Maury.

Nothing says “this marriage won’t last” quite like a Walmart engagement ring…I buy all my engagement rings at Walmart.

I once googled “what women want” and my computer crashed.

If Ghost Hunters ever visited my house, I’d be afraid of what the old lady who walks around my upstairs tells them I do when I’m alone and oiled up.

I sometimes think that some people only watch NASCAR for the fiery crashes and the subsequent commemorative plates.

This week scientists discovered a Mayan calendar that goes past 2012.  If you just breathed a sigh of relief you watch way too much History Channel.

I still haven’t forgiven my 1^st grade teacher who sent that note home to my parents that said I had a problem with holding grudges.

I used to think obesity wasn’t an epidemic in America but then I realized we have flavored floss.

Ron Paul may not have dropped out of the race to win the GOP nomination but he did drop out of the race to convince children he is not Gargamel and doesn’t want to eat the Smurfs.

Thanks to President Obama’s declaration that he is in favor of gay marriage, I am taking this relationship with this cheeseburger to a whole new level.

I got kicked out of watching The Avengers because I got so excited and started humping the air.  I have a feeling that all the money that movie is making doesn’t translate to the number of people seeing the movie because that day 15 of us were kicked out of the theater for excited air humping.

Real life conversation: “Hey, godfather, did you know that Ron Jeremy has his own rum?”  “Yeah, I knew that, it’s called Ron de Jeremy rum.” “I wonder how it goes down.” “Probably on itself.”  That was quite an awkward car ride with my mom after that.

Did you know that 40% of America’s annual tree harvest ends up as Mother’s Day cards for Michelle Duggar?

Everyone is talking about the exposed breast on the cover of time but no one is talking about the tit on this month’s Audubon Magazine.

I can’t believe people are against gay marriage because if you want people to stop having gay sex then you let them get married.

I like role-playing during sex.  Usually I pretend I’m not alone.

I once heard someone say they came to Xanga to find a soulmate.  I suggested she straddle a speaker and listen to Barry White.

I’m glad I have Xanga for self-validation because I would’ve been a horrible stripper.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: where you get to relive your childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: Escape the idiots you know in real life to be surrounded by idiots you don’t know.

Is it me or does anyone else think that Xanax should be the official sponsor of Xanga?

Xanga has saved me from a horrible “keeping my thoughts to myself” addiction.

Some people use Xanga like they are campaigning to be thenext Dali Lama.

I am thankful for my mom and was happy to tell her that on Mother’s Day.  Without her, I wouldn’t have all these issues that make me hilarious.

I was amazed that when I was gone for that time period awhile back I lost friends here.  What could I possibly be doing to piss you off if I’m not even posting?

When is Xanga prom?

I just hope all the mothers out there have a wonderful day and to help you enjoy it, here's a late #caturday.

I was walking in my living room and had a feeling someone was watching me.  I looked at my window and sure enough, I was being stalked.

Once again to all the mothers, have a happy mother's day.  Sorry for not saying much.

Have you ever had to crack your knee and ankle so bad because they were so stiff but you were fearful of doing so because you may tear ligaments?  I love having no cartilage in my knees.  Round up.

Maurice Sendak passed away at the age of 83 in the past two weeks.  He was probably best remembered for writing and illustrating Where the Wild Things Are.  He had other immensely popular books but I will always remember that one.  I think it was the first book I ever read.  I remember one of my greatest joys in doing these celebrity round ups was in last October when I stumbled upon an interview that Maurice did.  I wrote about it here.  Sendak will be truly missed and I'm hoping he's enjoying a wild rumpus in a better place.

Junior Seau, a former player with the San Diego Chargers of the NFL, died in the past two weeks at the age of 43.  I was truly saddened by Seau's passing.  He was always one of my favorite players mostly because he played with such intensity and tenacity.  I think what saddened me the most was seeing his mother pleading with the media to let her son rest in peace but then less than 2 hours later they are dragging his name through the mud accusing him of abusing steroids and also playing through concussions.  I was saddened that for the days after his death they weren't remembering him as a great player but as just another statistic of players who have ended their lives because of brain problems.  I just wished they'd let his family grieve before they started doing all of that.  Seau will be greatly missed but ESPN is salivating over potential ratings with his story.

Within the past two weeks, George "Goober" Lindsey passed away at the age of 83.  He was probably best known for his character Goober Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show, Mayberry RFD, and Hee-Haw.  I think that character was one of the most memorable characters of the 60s but then I am quite a fan of The Andy Griffith Show.  Then he had that iconic hat. Lindsey was also quite the fundraiser and he raised millions of dollars for the Alabama special Olympics.  Goober will be greatly missed.

Vidal Sassoon passed away this week at the age of 84.  He was an innovator when it came to hair and hair styles for women.  I was reading about this guy and how he was considered a rock star and pioneer of the hair world because of his "wash and wear" philosophy when it came to women's hair.  He had hair salons that bear his name and a line of products.  I remember all the commercials he did in the 80s for the salons and products.  I'm not much of a person who styles his hair but I guess what I do is pretty much the wash and wear.  I wash and then whatever it looks like after I dry off is what I go with.  Sassoon will be missed.

And the last bit of bad news from the past two weeks, Adam Yauch, better known as MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away in the past two weeks at the age of 47 after a 3 year battle with cancer.  It seems like my childhood is being torn apart.  I still remember the first time I heard the song that launched The Beastie Boys career, "Fight for Your Right to Party".  I was in kindergarten or 1st grade and one of the upper-graders, I think he was in 7th or 8th, had a boombox and when we were lining up for lunch or recess he pulled the boombox out and started playing that song in the hallway and trying to rap along with it.  I didn't really hear the kid but I remember the song and at that point in my life I couldn't remember hearing anything so powerful.  It was amazing.  I also had respect for the group when they stood their ground denouncing the war in Iraq at a time when that was an unpopular opinion.  MCA was such a great person and that could be seen in that the Dali Lama issued a statement mourning the loss of Yauch.  There was a rumor floating around a few weeks ago that he was cancer free but it wasn't true.  Cancer is a fucking bitch.  Maybe we should cut down on bomb making and try to look for a cure.

OK now that all the sad stuff is out of the way...what the fuck was Tom Brady thinking?  I know he is a fan of Favre and Favre was in "There's Something about Mary" and there's a scene in that movie where Cameron Diaz's character unknowingly uses semen for hair gel.  Do you think Brady used semen to make his hair look like this?

FOX is going to air a TV gameshow this week that is being described as a mash-up between The Voice and The Dating Game.  The show will be called The Choice and celebrities will sit in swivel chairs with their back turned to people looking for dates and they will pick them out based on what they hear and not what they see.  The list of celebrities is a who's who of "whatever happened to...".  Some of the "celebrities" include Joe Jonas, Pauly D of The Jersey Shore, Romeo (child rapper and actor), Dean Cain (former TV Superman), Tyson Beckford (male model), Rima Fakih (Miss USA), Carmen Electra, Sophie Monk (Australian Paris Hilton), Rob Kardashian, Rocco DiSpirito (celebrity chef), Warren Sapp (former NFL player), Finesse Mitchell (former Saturday Night Live cast member), Jeremy Bloom (Olympic skier), Jason Cook (soap opera guy), Michael Catherwood (Loveline host and contestant on Dancing with the Stars), Seth Wescott (Olympic snowboarder), Parker Young (some guy on some new comedy), Ndamukong Suh (current NFL player), Robert Nettles (plastic surgeon), Taylor Hicks (winner of American Idol), The Situation of The Jersey Shore, Rob Gronkowski (current NFL player), Steven Lopez (Olympic martial arts fighter), and Hope Dworaczyk (Playboy model).  It's almost like if I believed in one-night stands and when I'd think about who is who I would draw nothing but question marks.  Considering some of the celebrities, I hope the contestants are given penicillin and valtrex as prizes.

Here is a promotional photo for the movie Spring Breakers.  I think this movie is going to be a blockbuster but the thing is, I have no clue when it will be released.  I've been talking about it since February but I haven't heard anything about when it hits theaters.  Maybe it's just a grand scheme to keep me distracted and derail my bid for U.S. Senate oh well, boobs are awesome.

Sofia Vergara is single.  She was spotted at events in the past week all alone and when asked where her boyfriend was she said that they had broken up.  Oh man, I am here for you, Sofia.  You can put your head on my shoulder or maybe I could put my head on your...ahem...you know her exboyfriend Nick Loeb is sort of dumb but this is the low point in his life and everything from here on out is uphill.  He could get arrested for blowing a homeless guy behind a fast food restaurant and people wouldn't talk about him blowing a homeless guy behind a fast food restaurant but they'd bring up the time he was stupid for breaking up with Sofia Vergara.

This is Shemar Moore.  This photo is for all the ladies who week in and week out read my blog and see me plastering half-naked women around.  You have to realize that I'm alone and well I love all you people with two X chromosomes.  You are just awesome for me.  I love you people.

I came across a story this week about singer Rufus Wainwright and Bea Arthur and it shows us why we have to love Bea and why Bea Arthur should be canonized by the Catholic Church and be made the patron saint of bitches.  Well Rufus is a huge fan of The Golden Girls, probably one of Bea's most memorable roles...seriously, I bet if I said Bea Arthur more people would associate her with The Golden Girls instead of Maude.  Anyway, Rufus went to Bea at a party and he said, "I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You're so wonderful. You made me feel like you're my grandmother."  He said that Bea then looked at him and leaned in and whispered in his ear, "I'm not your fucking grandmother."  They say when you meet people you idolize it usually leaves a bad taste in your mouth but this is awesome because wouldn't it be more memorable to be proverbially bitch-slapped by your idol?  I think what would've made it even better is if she took one of her scarves and slung it over her shoulder and exited stage left.

Robert Downey Jr. was on the Jay Leno show in the past two weeks and he debuted a photo of his infant son and he announced the boy's name.  It's Exton Elias.  That sounds sort of like a villain's name.  Maybe Downey is sick of playing the superhero.

People had thought Rihanna had wised up and finally had gotten Chris Brown out of her system when she went on a vacation with NFL player Darren McFadden a few weeks ago but people close to Rihanna say that she was just doing that to make Chris jealous and to try to win him back.  She is upset that this isn't working so she's been posting photos of herself on Twitter wearing McFadden's jersey but Brown isn't having any of it.  I'm trying to figure out why Rihanna is letting Darren McFadden get all up on her to make Chris Brown jealous.  Anyone who is a fan of the NFL knows McFadden plays for the Raiders and the Raiders can't beat anyone.  Maybe wearing the Raiders jersey is sending a message to Chris Brown that she doesn't mind getting beaten on a weekly basis like the Raiders.  Maybe to make him jealous she should hook up with other famous ladies men like O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson.  I really don't get why someone goes back to someone who beats them.  I never will get that.

Oh Paris...Paris Hilton is so image conscious so when I see her like this looking like crap by Paris Hilton standards in public it makes me warm and tingly but then it could just be the beer I drank or the mushrooms I found growing under my couch.

With 15 mouths to feed, no source of steady income, only receiving $4000 a month in assistance, losing her house, and owing creditors over $1million, Octomom Nadya Suleman has decided to do porn instead of selling some of her kids to Angelina Jolie.  She had two options: declare bankruptcy or masturbate on camera.  Well Octomom has decided to strum the banjo.  Remember a while back when she was offered $1million to do a porn and she refused because she doesn't like human contact and it goes against her morals?  Apparently playing with oneself is OK and not really porn.  I also seem to remember a while back when she just had her babies when she said she was celibate and hadn't even touched herself in over a decade.  You know that photo that flew around the internet that said, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten"?  Yeah, this is what it was talking about right here.  Well this is supposedly a still shot from the movie.  She went through it because desperate times call for diddling yourself in front of a camera.  To prepare for the movie she was coached by a few adult movie stars and she watched a few scenes.  After the film the stars said she was a natural.  Oh come on!  Who isn't natural at masturbating?  The stars also said she looked like she was having fun.  Well who really wants to not have fun when doing that or filming themselves having sex.  If I wanted to see people not having fun while having sex I would release my sextape where you can hear my former girlfriend asking if she should get a manicure.  I think she needs to admit that her plan of having a litter of kids and landing a reality show have failed so now she is looking for ways to get her kids food.

I saw this photo of Milla Jovovich embracing a man on the street and I got to thinking this is what I want in a relationship.  I want to have a girl come running to me in heels and jump up to embrace me after we haven't seen each other for a few hours and of course her ass has to be visible to the public.  God...I am so forever alone.  But the moment I thought that I found out this was a scene for a commercial she filmed for Avon.  I don't remember the Avon lady ever doing that.  They must be doing a complete turn around from their previous marketing strategy.  Maybe they are trying to get the late night Cinemax viewers to buy make-up or hand lotion.

Miley Cyrus was at Disney Land this week.  Some say it is the happiest place on Earth and I guess my definition of "happiest" includes "not wearing bras".  Billy Ray, stop your giggling at once.

This is Mary Kate Olsen, you know, one of those adorable Olsen twins from Full House.  What the crap happened to her?  I bet she became a vampire or she's now an actual troll and whenever people talk about trolls on Xanga I'm going to picture her.

Here's some more for the girls out there.  I think Mark Wahlberg has officially broken up with shirts because the last few weeks every photo of him is him sans shirts.  I don't think I hear any of you ladies complaining.  Maybe I should try doing that.

My mom once taught me that if I don't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all and in honor of Mother's Day I'm not going to say that Lindsay Lohan was at an event sponsored by A&E  with a splotchy fake tan, botched lip injections, and painted on eyebrows that look like they were drawn on by a drunk guy with a Sharpie.  Not going to mention that at all.  My mom taught me well.  Lindsay did have good news this week in that the L.A. County District Attorney decided not to file charges against her for an alleged hit and run because the guy who claimed she hit his car has credibility issues.  Lindsay shouldn't rejoice so soon because they are still investigating an assault in a club a few weeks back.  Quick...name me the last movie she starred in that wasn't a Lifetime movie or a movie she claimed she was going to be in.  Yep, you couldn't do it.  Lindsay isn't a movie star anymore.  Her celebrity is that she is being constantly hauled into court and jail for her drunken shenanigans.  So even if that guy, whose credibility issues was that he liked crack, didn't have his case go forward, Lindsay should be on bended knees, a position she's accustomed to, to thank him for keeping her relevant.  As for that Lifetime movie, Elizabeth Taylor's sons are now trying to get involved in the project and are begging they reconsider the role of Liz.  They don't think Lindsay is the right choice to play their mother.  I don't blame that at all.  I wouldn't want her playing my mom.  My penis has more similarities to a moth than Lindsay has to Elizabeth Taylor but then you have to ask "Would Joel McHale mock this on The Soup?"  If the answer is "yes" then I say let Lindsay take the part.

Levi Johnston, baby father of one of the children in Alaskan Camelot(the Palin family), is the father of another child with a different woman.  Hmm I wonder how that abstinence only sex education has worked out.  Levi announced that his girlfriend Sunny Oglesby gave birth to a baby girl and they named her Breeze Beretta Johnston.  Now when I heard that name I thought of Chris Brown because his nickname is Breezey and Robert Blake because he was on a show called Beretta.  When you think of those two people when you hear a baby girl's name, the parents should definitely rethink the name.  They actually admitted that they got the name Beretta from the gun.  Yes, Beretta is a gun.  Why not go all out and call her 30-30 or Glock or Rifle or 12 gauge?  Sunny also shared the touching tale of how Breeze was conceived.  She told Inside Edition: "We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."  I guess the name Breeze Beretta is the least of her worries.

Kat Dennings...2 Broke Girls...may have to watch.

A male masseuse is suing John Travolta for $2million because he claims that Travolta tried to have sex with him and when told know Travolta proceeded to masturbate in front of him.  Reading the suit is sort of creepy because it portrays Travolta as a sexual predator in that he disrobed and then started groping the masseuse and asked to do a reverse massage.  The masseuse also claims Travolta told him that he had lots of gay sex during his "Welcome Back Kotter" days to get where he got and he claimed, "Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity."  Travolta's lawyer claims these are all lies and that they have proof that Travolta was not in L.A. when the masseuse alleges this took place.  You know, I got thinking, what if it was actually Nicolas Cage wearing John Travolta's face that did all of that just so he could get Travolta in trouble?  Sounds insane, doesn't it?  Yeah, that would make a terrible movie.  If you want to read more of the lawsuit click here.  Just when Travolta's lawyers thought they had things under control, another lawsuit was filed by a different masseuse.  This one tells a similar story and oddly enough he has the same lawyer as the first accuser.  It has to be Nicolas Cage, that's my only explanation.  He's working with the masseuses so he can get a share of the money so he can pay off the IRS and buy more dinosaur bones.

After 25 trimesters, Jessica Simpson finally gave birth.  Jessica gave birth to a 9lbs.13 oz. girl and named her Maxwell Drew.  Almost 10lbs...I wonder if the doctor had a tranquilizer gun while the nurses coaxed it with raw meat.  Now that she's given birth, prepare for the onslaught of magazine offers for exclusive baby photos.  So the name Maxwell Drew Johnson...at first I thought it sounded like Nancy Drew's know-it-all cousin who is an aspiring R&B singer.  It turns out that "Maxwell" is Eric Johnson's middle name as well as his mother's maiden name.  "Drew" is Jessica's mother's maiden name.  Also "Maxwell" means "great stem" and "Drew" means "manly".  My name means "God's gift" and "wealthy guardian" but something was lost in translation because it should be "Satan's gift" and "broke blogger".  Now you know the meaning behind her name.  So I guess naming your kid after your mother's maiden name is a thing now.  I wouldn't be able to use my mom's maiden name.  That would be an awful name for a boy or a girl.  I had a girlfriend whose mother's maiden name was "Bright".  If we had kids I would've used "Bright" as a middle name and "Half" as a first name.

Jay Cutler is a douche.  Who in their right mind would go out in public wearing sweatpants when they are dating Kristin Cavallari?  Also, who in their right mind would want to play for the Chicago Bears?  I look at Jay trying to be all tough and macho and I realize that that tough guy persona doesn't work for him.  I'm more intimidated by Girls Scouts coming to my house to sell cookies.  When they pull out the Samoas I'm a lost cause.

George Clooney turned 51 this week.  I found this photo of him with his pet potbelly pig and got thinking about all the women he's dated over the years and the only thing that was constant was the pig.  The longest relationship he's had is with that pig.  Maybe Stacy Keibler should cover herself with fur and walk around on all fours and snort.  I'd like that.

I laughed pretty hard when I read a news story about Courtney Love losing the rights to Kurt Cobain's likeness and name.  She lost them to her daughter Frances Bean Cobain.  Technically, Courtney gave up their rights when she borrowed money from a trust fund in 2010 for $2.75million.  She will not receive any of the money from Kurt's music, name, or likeness until she pays back the loan.  I say we should start following Courtney Love on Twitter to see the breakdown and then maybe we could get her to join Xanga.  She'd fit in with some of the people around here.  Also...Frances is pretty swell.  She has her dad's eyes and I bet she thanks God every day for that.

Courtney Stodden took time out of her busy schedule of _______ to get photographed cooking and eating a special Mothers' Day meal with her mom.  That was totally not a photoshoot at all.  So I just wonder how many ladies cook wearing something like Courtney.  I learned the hard way that I don't cook while wearing a shirt that reveals my cleavage.  I lost a big section of my chest hair.

The first images of Christopher Meloni as a vampire on True Blood have been released.  I am so anxious to see Detective Stabler as a vampire.  I can't wait to see him go down to Louisiana and bust the heads of those pervert vampires.  You know it would be better if they made Stabler a vampire.  I would definitely watch True Blood then.

Christina Hendricks turned 37 this week.  I have nothing else to say.

Cher is one of those feisty celebrities who has kept relevant due to Twitter and she took to Twitter this week to lambaste Mitt Romney.  She tweeted, "If ROMNEY gets elected I don't know if i can breathe same air as Him & his Right Wing Racist Homophobic Women Hating Tea Bagger Masters".  She later deleted the message after she received an onslaught of hate from her fans.  OK, it's 2012, can we please stop saying that if someone we don't agree with politically we are going to move to another country?  How many celebs said that when Bush was re-elected?  How many said that when Obama was elected?  Act like fucking adults who have the right to vote.

Bruce Willis released a photo of his newborn baby girl Mabel.  Wow, she has more hair than her dad.  Things are also looking up for Mabel because she didn't inherit his jaw like all of his other daughters.  I can't wait to see her jumping through elevator shafts and walking barefoot on glass and saying "Yippie-ki-yea"

I saw this photo of Britney Spears this week and I have to say she is smoking hot and it reminds me of a song by the great hillbilly crooner Tim Wilson...click here.

Avril Lavigne was spotted eating lunch with Chad Kroger of Nickelback in Paris this week.  What a combination!  Some may say they are the worst "musicians" of the past decade and others may say they are the worst thing to happen to music since the macarena.  I think they were having a meeting to decide how they can make music and fashion trends worse.  Only one person can help us now...BATMAN!

My friend Andrew WK turned 33 this week.  You know it's sort of hard to believe he's so young.  I thought he was about that old when he first broke out.  I have a feeling Andrew WK partied softly because he's an old man.

Less than a month after sideswiping a police officer's car and fleeing the scene and then being arrested for drunk driving, Amanda Bynes is free to drive the streets.  This week Amanda was involved in another car accident.  She hit another car and the driver of the other car called the police and followed Amanda because she kept on driving.  He followed her to a gas station and then police arrived.  The damage wasn't significant and no one was injured and the police didn't believe Amanda was drunk so no charges were pressed.  They also believed Amanda's story that she could've hit the car and not know it.  So she has a history of hitting cars and fleeing and she hits a car, claims she didn't realize it, police show up, run her record to find she had a DUI, and they don't investigate it further.  Are the cops in L.A. real?  I have a feeling if you stopped an L.A. cop and took off their uniform you'd find five dogs standing on each other.  I guess you need at least 10 IMDB credits before the cops stop writing you tickets for being a bad driver.  Also the cops are making excuses for her.  Why not give her chocolates and give the guy who got hit the ticket for having a hittable vehicle?  I think Amanda needs to have green slime dumped on her head but then she'd probably drink it and get drunk.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend and there, my ankle popped.

I started writing about politics and realized it wasn't a good idea and while I write this I imagine the music from Doogie Howser when he wrote his blog.  Now I'm thinking of "Born in the U.S.A.".  Now I think it's time for links.

1.  Clever and witty banter...here's some weird underwear which may be mildly NSFW.  Insert story of working at tourist trap and selling novelty men's underwear that was fireman and carpenter themed and how the fireman underwear had a hose in front and the carpenter underwear had a drill in front.

2.  If you rely on movies for facts, I feel bad for you.  I just read something today that 8 of the top 10 grossing movies of 1981 were based on true stories.  None of the top 10 grossing movies of 2011 were based on true stories.  Here are 6 myths people believe about space based on movies.

3.  If you want something disturbing, here's a collection of photos of serial killers when they were kids.

4.  There's something I've been noticing at the local colleges.  It's classes for older people on how to use Facebook.  Well I think some people of ALL ages need classes on how to use Facebook.  Hell, people need classes on how to be polite on the internet.  How many Xangans would fail that class?  Anyway, one of my guilty pleasure Tumblr pages is called Old People Writing on a Restaurant's Facebook Page.  I guess you get what it's all about from the title.  It's quite interesting to see what some people write on businesses walls.

5.  We've all heard of planking and Tebowing but have you heard of Draping?  Draping is sitting like Don Draper from Mad Men like in the logo for the show.  I do Draping every Sunday in church because stretching out my arm on the back of the pew makes me pay attention or something like that but it's totally not me wanting to show off my guns because I sit in the back row.

6.  Here's a Tumblr that was sort of popular a few weeks ago when The Hunger Games was in theaters before The Avengers started advertising.  It's called Mean Girls of Panem.  It takes scenes from The Hunger Games and inserts dialogue from Mean Girls and vice-versa.

7.  Remember Geocities?  Well you can now make your favorite website look like a Geocities page with the Geocities-izer.  This is what mine looks like.

8.  I was reading somewhere that as the older you get the harder it is to distinguish between colors and hues.  Well here is a Hue Test that will tell you have good your eyesight is and how good you are at distinguishing hues.

9.  I forgot to add this Tumblr in the Tumblr section.  It's a celebrity account belonging to swimsuit and Playboy model Kelly Brook.

10.  If you are a baseball fan and want to look up player stats and information the best bet is to use ESPN because they have extensive player data.  Well one thing I've noticed about their website is that they have some bad photos for the players.  I guess other people have noticed the same thing because here's a collection of the 25 worst player profile pics on ESPN.com.  #2 on that list cracks me up every single time.

11.  Want to make everything in your life OK?  Here's a button to make everything OK.  I pressed it and I will see if everything is OK later.

12.  I've been having way too much fun with this site called Ball Droppings.

13.  Since I didn't do any timestamping of my tattoo post, here it is.  I hate night meetings because I never have enough time to hang with my cronies on Xanga.

AMERICA!

I think this should be my new profile pic and I should just leave blank comments all over Xanga.

This has been floating around the nets today.  It's an Avenger t-shirt found in China.

I have no clue but it makes me laugh.

It's a powerful company.

IT WORKS! Wait....ES FUNKTIONIERT!

I had a cousin that loved that series when he was a kid.  I don't think this was on his book shelf.  That kid is in for a thrashing and even the owl lamp knows it.

I hope it's not the dirty south.

I think this is how I want to announce a pregnancy that is my doing.  Also, if people come up and rub my significant other's stomach and say, "Congratulations," I will demand they rub my penis and say, "Good work!"  Yes, old joke is old.


Gute Nacht alle.  Bitte hassen mich nicht.

I haven't done one of these for quite some time.  In one of my last editions I asked you who you'd like to see as a tattoo and I did searches for your requests.

Pope John Paul II...I like how these all capture different points of his popedom, beginning to middle to end. 

The current pope, Pope Benedict XVI...at first I thought this was a tattoo of Emperor Palpatine.



I promised these to @Cestovatelka a while back so here they are, Josip Tito



Ernest Hemingway...did you know he coined the term "YOLO"?  Well according to this Tumblr site, he did.




Vladmir Putin...that guy scares me.


Richard Nixon...I won't name the person who asked for Nixon but they wanted a Dick dick tattoo.  I searched for "Dick Tattoo".  I was mortified at some of the search results.  The same goes for a post I was going to write last night but I lost track of time.  I was asked about what beers I drank and I was going to write about some of my favorite Wisconsin beers.  One beer is called Horny Goat Horny Blonde.  I was looking for a photo of the bottle and the beer and of course I was stupid and searched for "horny blonde".  Maybe that's why I lost track of time.



Mark Twain...someone just asked for Twain and that explains the next tattoo.  The last of the Twain tattoos was titled "Mark Twain in Nicola Tesla's Lab".  I would love to read what Twain would write if he knew people tattooed his image upon their bodies.

And we close with Shania Twain.  You're still the one with a questionable tattoo.

I hope you enjoyed.  I'll hopefully be back next week with more portrait tattoos.

This just in: screaming profanities at an empty text editor will not write posts for you.

When you read this post, try to read it in Forrest Gump’s voice and then you’ll pretty much be at my level.

Remember when the word “special” was used as a compliment.

Gold’s Gym opened in Cuba this week.  People are still standing in line to use the rowing machine not because they want to row a boat to America but because they only have one rowing machine because the news and schools teach us that communism is horrible and they don't have awesome stuff like we have in America like cheeseburger with donuts as buns or skillets of cheese.

I once met Eminem and it was pretty awkward.  His palms were sweaty and his knees were weak and his arms were heavy.  If I remember correctly he also had vomit on his sweatshirt already.

Married people talking about their spouse, love, and children in front of a single person is torture and needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

I wish I had Steve Jobs’ ambition is life.  He really lived life to the Macs.

When you’re funny you can say whatever you want and people will laugh.  I’m starting to like being an asshole.

You know your life is pathetic when your parents suggest you try eharmony or match.com or Plenty of Fish or Farmers Only or Fuckbook.

I was at a school doing my schtick and this teacher had in a lesson plan that the class would listen to traditional Indian music because they were studying India.  The first song on the CD was “Paper Planes”by M.I.A.  I felt like it was really time for me to leave this planet.

My life has sunk to new lows…listening to polka music while looking at porn.  I must say that it makes the porn more delightful and rhythmic.

I’m still pissed about Kony 2012.  They marketed it all wrong.  They shouldn’t have said “the one thing we all agree on”.  There is only one thing that everyone agrees on and that is that asses are utterly amazing.

The best way you can tell how bad of a person you are is to see how long you masturbate after a tragedy. Five minutes after news broke about the earthquake in Japan, I was watching a DVD titled Asian Anal Assassins.

I want to get a motorcycle just so girls will pose semi-nude in front of it.  Seriously, have you ever seen a motorcycle without a scantily clad woman next to it?  It doesn’t exist, especially not in my Easy Rider magazines.

I’m an ugly guy but I’d make a pretty attractive chimpanzee.

The often say that real women have curves.  I’m not sure about that but I do know that real women have retractable claws and communicate via echolocation.

I’d like to think of my writing as poignant and inspiring but most of the time it comes off as weird and whiny.

“Wow, gas prices sure are reasonable.” -nobody

If I ever have children and they ask me what I did when I was younger I will tell them I stopped Kony and cancer through social media.

Have you ever stopped to think that money is just pieces of paper with meaningless numbers printed on them? When you realize this and want to give away your meaningless paper, send me an email so I can send you my address so I can help you get rid of your meaningless paper.

I wish people followed me on Xanga because they like what I write and not because I have a massive penis.

Whenever someone calls me “cool” I can’t tell if they are saying that I’m actually cool or that I’m a constipated overrated outcast loser.  I hate my love of acronyms sometimes.

Lifealert needs to invent a new necklace alert pendent that you press when you’re stuck on the internet and won’t get off.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I need a new hobby that doesn’t involve me sitting at the internet and thinking I’ve wasted my life.

Have you ever noticed that rappers have stopped rapping about cars and cruising around since gas prices sky rocketed?

I think school’s should drop teaching cursive handwriting and teach Japanese or Chinese writing characters so they will be able to know what their character tattoos actually say in the future.

Why is America still fighting the war on drugs?  It’s not like drugs have any oil.

I always hate talking to women I don’t know because they always ask annoying questions like “Why is your hand on my ass?”

Does Pinterest have anything to do with beer?  If it does I am so going to make an account.

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “women”you get “own me”?  John Boehner and Mitch McConnell told me that.

I once dropped a can of beer but caught it before it hit the ground.  Where’s my parade?

The creator of The Price is Right died at the age of 91.  I guessed he'd die at 95 and went over so I won’t get any of his inheritance money.

I went walking in the rain and thanks to Adele I now have third degree burns all over my body.

Whenever I enter a room, people say, “The circus is here.”  I ask why and they say because the elephant is in the room.

Have you ever had the feeling that our government is asking Miss America contestants for advice concerning running this country?  Also, President Obama is supposedly all about creating jobs so why is my White House housesitter application turned down every time he leaves the White House?  I could be an awesome White House housesitter.

There is no “I” in “denial”

I think I’ve encountered the most awkward experience on earth: talking to a girl I fingered in 8^th grade and received a handjob from with her husband about their family and dog breeding business.  Stay abstinent, kids.  It will save you from awkward conversations.

Do people who claim they get high on life ever have overdoses when they have really good days?

I have heard mixed stories about how well porn pays because I’ve wanted to start my own production company. I asked a friend who worked in the industry and she said that only people who film anal sex scenes make a butt-load.

I went to the liquor store the other night and some kids asked me to buy them some beer.  I was a responsible adult and lectured them because they asked me to get them Bud Light.  You'd think kids in Wisconsin would have a taste for real beer and not that rice water crap.

I hate it when people make a big deal out of something that is small unless it’s my penis.

I think the person who coined the term “same shit, different day” was talking about Xanga.  Wait, have I already done that joke?

Xanga is the only place where you can find people arguing about religion on a post about snowboarding.

Every time someone says some insane shit on Xanga I find myself looking for a camera so I can make a sarcastic face like on The Office.

Hey, everyone, I have this really awesome way to avoid Xanga drama.  First, don’t click on links written by people with whom you have differing opinions.  Second, don’t comment on that site.  Third, don’t recommend it.  Finally, scroll to another site preferably someone who posts positive things.  It’s just that simple and if you follow that you can enjoy Xanga and be cool.

I was talking about Xanga to my dad and he’s convinced that someone is going to come and kill me.  I reassured him that no one on Xanga leaves their rooms just like me.

Does this Xanga account make me look like a virgin?

There are people on Xanga that I think are vampires but instead of feeding on blood, they feed on attention from strangers on the internet and drama.

Listening to people gossip about other Xangans is like listening to dogs barking at each other. It’s pointless.  Get outside and get some air but don't listen to the dogs bark because they might start telling you to kill. 

I've been sitting here with an open text editor thing with the flashing cursor for the past hour because I want to write something but I don't know what I want to write.  Should I write about my love life?  That would probably bore you to tears but then some aspects of my love life still bring me to tears and not just because I'm alone but because have you ever watched a fiance die?  That really does make you tear up even worse than cutting onions. 

I read poetry and fiction on Xanga and I feel mentally incompetent.  I usually send emails to the poets and authors and explain that I am such a slack-jawed yokel that all I can muster when reading their writing is a "good job" or "great work".  I feel so stupid at times.  I think it has something to do with all the concussions I've suffered over the course of my life.  I sometimes think I get a monthly concussion and then I think that Justin Morneau is a huge pussy for sitting out half a season because he has one concussion.  I rode my tricycle down three flights of stairs and you don't hear me bitching about paying taxes.  What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, I wanted to write a post.

I wanted to write a post about the recall election in Wisconsin but I can't get over the fact that there is a guy running against Scott Walker in the Republican primary that is an Abraham Lincoln impersonator.  Abraham Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland a month before he was shot and John F. Kennedy couldn't have been in Marilyn Monroe a month before he was shot because she had died the previous year but I suppose that could've happened had she faked her death or if JFK was into necrophilia.  The news agencies didn't really cover the sex lives of the presidents much like they do today.  Could you imagine if CNN covered my sex life.  The headlines would be about a guy who had a near-exclusive sexual relationship with a girl in his high school years decided to stop having sex with her so they could be friends only and she ends up getting pregnant by a guy and she then says that it's her friend's baby.  I should totally write about that but I don't really want to.

I was thinking of writing about this married couple from Boston that decided to move out west to Arizona and settle down somewhere in the desert. As they were traveling across country to their new home they realized that the spark was no longer there and they decided to become swingers. I'm sure most of us have come to that point in a relationship. I know plenty of people here that are at that point.  Hell, I can name one guy in my house that is at that point. But the guy in the story was freaked out by seeing his wife in the arms of another man although most swingers are totally into seeing their significant other in the throes of passion with another. Well our couple, the poor wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day after the botched attempt at swinging. Divine retribution? Well it probably was if they were dancing.  My second high school didn't have its first sponsored dance until my sophomore year which was my first year there.  Apparently the reason why school board and the teachers didn't want the dances was because they feared that dancing would lead to kids doing naughty things after the dance.  I went to a Lutheran school.  Why don't Lutherans have sex standing up?  It may lead to dancing.  Hey, only I can say that joke because I am Lutheran, that is my joke, you aren't allowed to tell it unless you are Lutheran.  Well that isn't what I wanted to write about.

Did you know that up until a few years ago it was common practice amongst Jews in Europe that when they had their sons circumcised the mohel would come in and snip the baby boy. He would then fill his mouth with some nice sacred Jewish wine, possibly Manishevitz. He then takes his mouth full of wine and inserts the baby boy's penis in his mouth to sterilize the circumcision. You know what I find ironic? Jewish girls wearing keffiyehs. But I digress.  That's not as low as walking into a sex shop and stealing a bottle of lube and a blow-up doll.  The guy that did that felt pretty bad but not as bad as the people in Berlin when the first bomb dropped on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 

The number 172 appears at the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial on the five dollar bill.  What is the significance of this number?  I'll be damned if I know but on June 11th of the year 172 A.D. the Roman army had surrounded their enemies in Moravia but the heat was so intense that soldiers were being burned by their armor.  Their defense was killing them but then a thunderstorm came through and poured on the Romans and they were no longer frying or parched.  This is not why the number 172 is on the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial in the five dollar bill.  I am convinced the number 172 refers to the 172 hits Babe Ruth hit in his first season with the New York Yankees.  Because I hate the Yankees the number 172 actually refers to the number of episodes in the greatest television comedy of all time, Three's Company.  Hot Stuff is the 172nd short film produced by the Three Stooges and it's also what I like to think my stripper name would be if I wasn't fat and ugly with a small penis.  And yet this is not what my blog is all about.

What I wanted to talk about are my plans for death. I want to be cremated. Yes, I want to actually go dust to dust at a much faster and hotter pace. My joking nature comes into play. Surgical screws don't melt at the temperature used for cremation so it may give my children Seldom Seen and Bonita quite a shock. What also may shock them is that before I die I plan on eating a handful of screws and quarters, a bike chain, and one of those metallic spring door stop thingies. Seldom Seen will ask Bonita, "Do you think Dad was really a robot?" Then they will scatter my ashes at a robotics plant.  Do you even understand why the metallic spring door stop thingie is humorous?  I do.

Another thing I find humorus is the mosh pit I once started at a Garrison Keillor show.  I got so mad and had to smash into someone when he started talking about Lake Woebegone.  "Well it was a mild spring day in Lake Woebegone when Ole Bjornsen decided to buy a ham at Adolf Fleischer's meat shop."  And then I broke in with "ALL HAIL SATAN!" and then I slammed into an 87 year old lady.  She hit me with her cane so it got pretty wild.  I didn't even mosh when he did the musical portion of his show.  That's some wild stuff but not what I wanted to write about.  I was thinking of watching the musical Sweeney Todd which was directed by Tim Burton.  I find it funny that Kevin Smith's first movie outside of the ViewAskew-niverse was a movie in which Ben Affleck's character performs a song from Sweeney Todd with his daughter.  The movie bombed at the box office but it gets a lot of playtime on TBS.  Well Tim Burton comes around with his version of Sweeney Todd and I can't help but think it was done to spite Kevin Smith because Kevin Smith has said disparaging things about Tim Burton in the past as have I.  I don't like how Tim Burton shits all over things I hold near and dear to my heart but then why not since my heart sucks and I have high blood pressure.  I look for irony and iron pills where there is none.

Now as you read this you need to imagine that I have The Office playing on my television and Michael Scott is playing basketball.  It's a laugh riot much like my reaction to every time I see a nutshot or injury on SportsCenter.

My semi-non-fictional autobiography will be coming soon to a Dollar Store near you.

I wrote an entry. Did you notice? Did you care?

metallic spring door stop thingy

...that while I was gone that I'd think up witty titles for these posts.  Well, you'd be wrong.  I have nothing witty. 

I was originally going to call this post Cinco de Gato or Gato de Mayo.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.