Did you know that the month of May is National Masturbation Month?  It's fitting since there is a month for almost everything under the sun.  Why not masturbation?  If there is a Raptor Month and a Play the Recorder Month there should be a Masturbation Month.  National Masturbation Month was created by a retail store called Good Vibrations in 1994 in wake of the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who advocated that information about masturbation be included in sex ed classes.  The month started out as a form of activism and now it's evolved into a way to promote business and the benefits.  Also it has broken down the stigmata of masturbation.  I remember a religion class in my high school where we were discussing the story of Onan who was struck dead after having sex with his sister-in-law because he spilled his seed on the ground.  Many Christian groups considered this to be the "Do it and Die" law of God but they failed to read the part of the story where God commanded Onan to produce an heir for his deceased brother.  Anyway, if this was the case the world would be less populated since 95% of men admit to the act and 89% of women do as well.  There'd only be a few nuns and monks left on the earth.

Maybe you don't like using the term "masturbation".  Here are some euphemisms for male masturbation:
Adjusting the antenna, Aiding and abetting a known felon, Applying the hand brake, Arguing with Henry Longfellow, Barking up the wrong tree, Buck the slobbering donkey, Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come, Date Miss Michigan, Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters, Exercise one's right, Enjoying a quiet evening at home with Philip K. Dick, Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money,  Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head, Hoisting your own petard, Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary firing mechanism by repeated linear manipulation.

Here are some euphemisms for female masturbation:
A night in with the girls, Beating around the bush, Carnal Tunnel Syndrome, Checking for oil, Diving for pearls, Double clicking the mouse, Engaging in safe sex, Exploring Pi with two digits, Hitchhiking South, Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig, Lap-based web browsing, Roughing up the witness, Ruminating and pondering, She-Bop, Shuffling your iPod, Strumming the banjo,

Here's where the business aspect comes in.


He must raise a lot of money at the Masturbate-a-thon.

I'm surprised that no one has asked for videos of masturbation to help eliminate prostate cancer.  Have a fun month, enjoy yourselves. 

Well here we are again.  It's time for some links.  Maybe you like them, maybe you don't.  I just like sharing them and if you hate that then you can go to hell.  I figured I needed to shake things up a bit and also question why I lost 8 followers while I was gone.  How fickle can people be?

1.  I recently saw something about how Pizza Hut is unveiling a new stuffed crust that will only be available in London during the summer Olympics this year.  It will be a hot dog stuffed inside the outer edge of the crust.  I have also heard they are experimenting with a cheeseburger crust.  Then there's Taco Bell with the Doritos tacos and this winter they plan on releasing the Cool Ranch Doritos shells.  Let's face facts, people, fast food joints want us dead.  Here's proof.

2.  I've been around Xanga for some time and one of my favorite bits of drama is when Christians battle it out with atheists over the origin of the cosmos.  People always throw around stuff about certain groups of scientists saying this and saying that.  I always laugh because it seems people take scientists' words to be as golden as the Bible.  I laugh because there are scientists out there who believe some crazy stuff and have crazy theories.  Here are 5 great scientists who believed some crazy stuff.  I recently saw a show on History Channel that covered the stuff about Newton.  I found it fascinating yet laughable because when people spend time trying to predict Judgement Day they always forget the words of Christ.

3.  Planning on going to the beach this summer?  Need a new beach towel that will make everyone laugh?  Well then you need a Dick Towel.  I love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

4.  One of my favorite Tumblrs is called Lana Del Ray Dancing.  They take photos and insert Lana Del Ray dancing her wooden Saturday Night Live dance into the photo.

5.  While Lana Del Ray dances on the previous site, Madonna Shuffles on Things on this site.  It's basically the same principle but it's a senior citizen from Michigan with a British accent dancing on random things.

6.  This is a make-over Tumblr site.  It takes photos of celebrities and makes them look like punk rockers.  It's called Punk Rock Celebs.  The most recent one is quite frightening.

7.  How do you eat a cupcake?  I either unwrap it and then bite in so I get equal icing and cake in one bite or I rip the top off, eat the bottom and then eat the top(thanks to Elaine Benes for that tip).  Well according to this site, I'm eating cupcakes wrong.  My mind is blown.

8.  I have found an awesome party game that is similar to Russian Roulette but without the guns.  It's called Bite the Bullet.  The game consists 12 chocolate shaped bullets and one is filled with a hot pepper.  Each player rolls a 12 sided die and then eat the corresponding bullet.  This would be fun for a Xanga meet-up or my surprise birthday party.

9.  I've been hearing a lot of buzz about the Miami Marlins new ballpark and it sounds like it's more of a culinary experience or a nightclub than a baseball stadium.  Here's an article about the food served at the stadium...so hungry but I'll settle for plain old beer brats at Miller.

10.  I found this site called the Cheese and Burger Society and they made cheeseburgers for specific cities.  My favorite has to be the Milwaukee.  And speaking of Milwaukee, a while back I wrote about Milwaukee day.  People sort of scoffed at my thoughts that Milwaukee is the most romantic city in the Midwest if not America.  Here's 100 things to do in Milwaukee.

11.  I know some of you are out there trying to finish up last minute essays and people might be looking over your shoulder to make sure you're actually doing your work instead of cruising Xanga.  Well here's a handy site called Essay Typer.  You write your topic in the line and then searches wikipedia for your topic and then a word processing page comes up and you can press any key on your keyboard and it will look like you're writing your essay.  Just don't print it out because that's plagiarism.

12.  I found a dating site and I don't know if I should give it a go.  It's called Farmers Only and it's a dating site for people who live and work on farms because city folks just don't get it.

Maybe the government needs to give blankets with smallpox to all the people who lose their homes.  It worked before.

I actually go driving around looking for milkshakes in girls' yards.

Pretty much

I'm in line

Medio loco en el coco...Ido de la mente!

I think that's creepier than the original song.

Photographic proof they fart

That's pretty much how I plan on winning the Senate seat Herb Kohl is vacating.

I was such a badass kid.  Lite beer is what we give our kids in Wisconsin.

I'm probably going to hell for this but this is my favorite Dancing Lana Del Ray pic.

God won.

And this post was close to being good...close but no cigar.  LAME!

Sad new, there will be no celebrity round up tomorrow because I will be busy in the evening being at the University of Wisconsin doing stuff and the time I need to put into a round up is not available to me.  If you are pissed off and want to break our friendship, go to hell.  I need to stop with that assertiveness.  Have a good time period between the time you read this and my next post.

I suspended my campaign for governor of Wisconsin but I will continue my campaign for the Senate.





I was talking to a WWII vet the other day and he said that he was sent to kick the asses of Hitler and Mussolini for doing the same thing Walker and his cronies have done to the citizens of Wisconsin.



What troubles me is that if Walker wins the recall election is that Wisconsin is going to be torn in twain with Walker being charged in what has been known as the John Doe investigation.  Walker knows the axe is hanging over his head and that is why he's set up legal defense funds.  I need to dust off my American history knowledge but I can't remember a sitting governor ever on trial.

Finally a political group I can relate to.




I am totally voting for Arthur Kohl-Riggs in the primary.  Look at him.  He looks honest.

I'm still up for a Xanga meet-up in the happiest place in the Midwest this summer if anyone is interested and gas prices are under $5/gallon.  And for any of you outside of Wisconsin that plan on visiting this great state, I thought I'd share something that the Wisconsin Bureau of Tourism put out a few years ago.

20 Tips to Enjoy Your Visit to Wisconsin

1) Don't order Filet Mignon or Pasta Primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your ass.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home!

Oh and just a reminder.

So where was I?  I really don't know.  I had a lot of issues that all seemed to explode all at once....parents' health, my health, horrible weather killing off trees and plants, being depressed, dealing with issues in my life, dealing with issues in church and fallout from an event, sick of seeing this place being abused, sick of seeing hypocrisy, sick of life, sick.

It’s always nice to see so many people on Xanga undermining their education or employment.  Kudos to you!  Now leave me eprops.

I was driving on the freeway recently and saw a homeless guy in the median.  I don’t know why there was a homeless guy in the median of the freeway but he gave me a thumbs up so I must’ve been driving like a boss.

I was hired to coach a drinking team this summer and the slacker on the team said, “Oh I suppose you’re here to tell us ‘There’s no “I”in “drunk”!”  I said, “Yes, there is,son.  It’s the exclamation point and after I whip you into drinking shape you’ll be just like it, wasted and laying face down in the gutter.  No get out there and chug 5 beers!”

I don’t know why girls wear bras when they have me.  I’m very supportive.

Why do they make black and white jelly beans?  The black ones taste like the tears of orphans and the white ones taste like the souls of the damned.

I’ve often wondered how they could put the Nine Inch Nails song “Closer” on a Kidz Bop album.  The original lyrics are “I want to fuck you like an animal”.  I bet the Kidz Bop lyrics would be “I prefer Pudding Packs to Danimals”.

It’s sort of interesting to think how when someone dies everyone becomes the deceased’s friend. It’s sort of upsetting to know I’ll have more friends when I die in a couple of months than when I lived and that is why I have it stipulated that my funeral will have a velvet rope and a doorman to only let certain people in.

Blink 182 is such an inspiration.  All their lyrics about getting blowjobs from your mom and grandfather and fucking dogs in the ass really struck a nerve and have saved me.

Lately I’ve felt my Xanga has sucked so much that I’ve thought about changing my name to “Hoover”.

I always love when a girl I try to talk to stops me mid-sentence with, “You strike me as the type of guy who masturbates on Chatroulette in his spare time.”

Earth Day was sort of useless because all the commercials and use of the internet to get the word out increased electricity usage.  Also on Earth Day, Wind and Fire sit in the corner and pout and write emo rock for their side project.

How is there an Ice Age 4 movie?  Shouldn’t they be dead by now?  How is that movie made and an adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” not a movie?  I just want to see "American Gods" made because some awesome scenes would be filmed near me.

I usually assume all people hate me until they tell me they like or love me and then I assume they’re lying.

I am the participation award personified.

I got thinking about the character Catwoman recently.  I think she picked “Catwoman” instead of“Dogwoman” because who wants to be a super bitch?

I think I may have to start eating at McDonald’s more often now that they offer alternatives to the Happy Meal such as the Apathetic Meal,the Existential Crisis Meal, and the Depressed Meal.

I haven’t had sex in such a long time that I’m pretty sure I could beat a gorilla in an arm wrestling match.

Whenever people say “friendzone” I think of a giant calzone that is so big you have to share it with friends.

I got kicked out of a mattress store today.  The salesman asked if I wanted to buy a mattress and I said I had my choices narrowed down to two.  He asked how long I needed to make my decision.  I said, “Well, I think I need to sleep on it.”  Apparently they hear that joke every ten minutes.

I hate how cops are always interrupting my life of crime.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Things are looking up for President Obama and bad for LeBron James.  Unemployment numbers are receding like LeBron’s hairline.  I wrote that a while back and that was before Obama handed Romney the election today by committing troops to Afghanistan for another 10 years.  Good work on throwing the election and keeping your promise to remove troops in your first term.

I think one of the reasons why I’m single besides the obesity and the poor health is that whenever a girl takes me to meet her parents I usually blurt out, “I’ve licked your daughter’s nipples.”  I’m not a bad boyfriend; I’m just a horrible person.

I guess everyone is going crazy for this new band One Direction.  I sort of find it ironic that their name is One Direction since most of them look like they go both ways.  I’m going to try to start a One Direction cover band but I can’t find anyone that sounds like a six year old girl when they sing.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t that big of a surprise.  You should wait a month or two after their birthday to surprise them. I’m expecting my friends to throw me one heck of a surprise party soon since most all of them forgot my birthday this year and there won’t be another.

I like to think that cats have their own internet and there are epic stories of how I create water and food and they post photos of me on Matturday.

Every guy thinks the perfect woman is 36-24-36.  That’s not true.  A perfect woman is 20-30-40.  She has the body of 20 year old, looks like a30 year old, and has sex like a 40 year old. She also has to consider me handing her her purse when the bill comes at a restaurant to be an act of chivalry.

I hate people who say “expresso”.  I hate people who say “ESSpresso”.  I also hate people.

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you won’t like me at my best since there’s really not much of a difference.

I sort of feel bad closing my browser after I’m done masturbating.  I probably should learn to cuddle afterwards.  I don’t usually masturbate more than once a day but when I do I’m overcome with happiness.

I asked my grandfather where babies come from and he took me to a carnival and showed me the game where you shoot water in the clown’s mouth until the balloon rises.

I have a girlfriend. OK, she’s a girl who is just a friend. OK, so it’s just a toy dinosaur.

I bought new tires for my car.  I hope the old ones are edible since they’re all I’ll be able to eat for the next couple of months.

I don’t always fantasize about stabbing people with a broken beer bottle but when I do it’s Dos Equis.

Apparently the Obamas paid off their student loans just 8years ago.  Of course he had awesome book sales.  Now I suppose I should write a book and call it “The Audacity of Having Money” or “Dreams of my Failure”.

It’s sort of funny how people go all mental over the Xanga front page about whether or not they get on the front page or not.  I’d hate to see how they’d act if they achieved anything in their real life.

Sometimes I think arguing with people on Xanga is as about as useful as explaining quantum physics to a potato.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is a great place to meet new friends and in your case so are insane asylums, prisons, and brothels.

Part of me says I should go to bed early so I can be healthy but the other part of me says I should stay up late and check Xanga because if I don’t I may miss something.  Guess which side wins.

Whenever there are fights on Xanga, I feel like I’m a maid and I’m listening to a husband and wife fighting while I clean the glassware and worry if there is any more Lemon Pledge.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, be prepared to have someone write a 15 page essay in response to your last post accusing you of ableism.

You really have to plan what time you post on Xanga.  You could post and reveal the meaning of life and all the world’s secret but if you don’t post it at the right time all you’ll get are marriage proposals from Nigerian princesses.

It's nice to come back to Xanga to see people express their hatred for my belief system.  Ah...Xanga!

Well it’s that time of the night where I transform myself from a sophisticated humor blogger to a hopeless train wreck.  Good night, everyone.