I was supposed to have my interview today but I got a call asking if I could reschedule for next week because the person giving the interview is on sick leave.  Just another week for me to prolong my nervousness.  Also weighing on my mind is the cat.  She acts like she is so much better but she isn't active.  She just goes between three places in my living room and sleeps the day away and is only somewhat active late at night and early in the morning.  I will probably end up taking her back to the vet tomorrow.  This is worrisome.  Well to get my mind off it for a few minutes here's the round up.

Businessman and former presidential candidate Ross Perot turned 82 this week.  I am sort of surprised he's that "young" because I remember he seemed pretty old when he ran for president.  I vaguely remember his presidential run.  I remember more that he did run and gathered a lot of support but it didn't translate well for the G.O.P.  I think what I remember most of him was how Dana Carvey did an outstanding imitation of him on Saturday Night Live.  I also seem to remember he bought TV time during the election and had his own half hour show on all the networks.  I guess it's of to wikipedia for some studying.

Nick Offerman turned 42 this week.  I love his character, Ron Swanson, on Parks and Rec.  Thankfully it will be coming back for a fifth season.  Anyway, if you think that this photo of Nick is a little too much then you haven't seen his work on Deadwood.

Mel Brooks turned 86 this week.  This guy is a genius.  Just a few of his films include The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstien, History of the World pt. 1, and Spaceballs.  He also created the TV series Get Smart and has appeared in many different TV and movie roles.  If you haven't seen any of those movies, do yourself a favor and find one.  You'll enjoy it.

Singer George Michael turned 49 this week.  Here he's on the bottom but I was sure he always classified himself as a top.

TV personality and chef Anthony Bourdain turned 56 this week.  I'm sort of surprised he's that "young" because if you watch his show he seems so much older but that could be from all the world travel and abuse he's inflicted on his body.  Either way, I really dig this guy.  He's one of those modern day examples of what "cool" is. 

Gary Busey turned 68 this week.  Hopefully with the passing of ACA, he can afford some dental work.  Sorry for giving you nightmares.

Film director and writer Nora Ephron passed away this week at the age of 71 from either cancer or a blood disorder.  It's sketchy at this point.  Ephron is best known for her romantic comedies Silkwood, When Harry Met Sally, and Sleepless in Seattle.  She is survived by two sons and her husband Nicholas Pileggi who wrote two of my favorite movies, Goodfellas and Casino.  Ephron will be greatly missed.

Miley Cyrus is getting hitched this weekend....most likely...probably...maybe...what do I know, I picked the Oklahoma City Thunder to beat the Miami Heat.  All I'm going on is one of Miley's recent tweets.  I guess it's fun to debate this because this week has been boring.  Here's the tweet: "Super lazy Sunday! Can’t wait for next week! It’ll be filled with happiness!"  Who knows what this means?  Happiness could mean she's getting married or it could be the name of her drug dealer or it could be what she calls grits or it could be a song she's working on.  I guess we'll find out on Sunday or not.  I just don't know how we'll manage with the suspense.

I think Mel Gibson has discovered bath salts like the Miami Zombie.  All my Jewish friends...beware!  He could bite off your face.  Also we must protect Jon Stewart, he's our most valuable Jew.


Lindsay Lohan posed for photographer Terry Richardson this week and this was the product of the photoshoot.  Why must you tease us so, Lindsay? 

Katy Perry performed at Grauman's Chinese Theater at the premier of a documentary about her music.  As you can see Katy wore a dumb outfit which puts the focus on her breasts.  We should start playing a game called "What's Katy Perry wearing on her chest today?"  Also this week she was interviewed and she said that when she was a teenager she feared that her parents were going to strip search her for smuggling in rock music into their house.  She said that her parents only allowed her to listen to Christian music.  Well you know if I had a daughter with Katy's looks and features I'd probably only allow her to listen to gospel music too.  I might also take it a step further and not allow her out of the house.  I'd have to tell her that she needed to stay in the basement because zombies were attacking.  I'm not good at that parenting thing.

RUN KATIE RUN!  Apparently Xenu lost control of Katie Holmes because after 5 years of marriage she is divorcing Tom Cruise.  They haven't been seen together in months so I guess this isn't a big surprise but in a way it is.  I guess her contract wasn't renewed.  Apparently Tom never saw this coming because Katie filed secretly in New York City this week.  She is also trying to get sole custody of Suri because Katie thinks that Tom is an awful parent and treats Suri like she's an adult.  Katie wants Suri to go to school whereas Tom prefers her to be schooled at Scientology centers.  Katie has never been an official member of the church and doesn't want Suri to have anything to do with Scientology and Suri is at the age when kids start learning in Scientology.  Now who will Tom dress in frilly pink dresses to parade in front of cameramen?  Hmmm I guess John Travolta is available.  Some people have noticed something odd about all of Tom's marriages.  When his wife hits 33 years old, they get divorced.  Tom married Mimi Rogers in 1987 at the age of 31.  She was 33 when they filed for divorce and 34 when the divorce was finalized.  Tom married Nicole Kidman in 1990 when she was 23 and she filed for divorce when she was 33 and it was finalized when she was 34.  Katie Holmes married Tom when she was 28 in 2006.  She's 33 now and if the divorce gets finalized after December then she'll be 34.  Is 33 the age limit established by Xenu and L. Ron Hubbard?  Do mind control spells wear off when a woman turns 33?  Also each of his wives is 11 years younger than the previous wife.  So Nicole Kidman is 11 years younger than Mimi Rogers and Katie Holmes is 11 years younger than Katie Holmes.  This means that his next contracted wife will be born in 1989 or 1990.  Hide your 22 year old actresses now!

Kate Upton also posed for Terry Richardson this week.  I sort of get the feeling that this Richardson is like that creepy uncle that invited me down to his basement to take photos of me.  I also get the feeling that Terry Richardson is a lucky bastard.  Anyway this photoset was much better than his work with Lindsay Lohan.  We should all feel sorry for Kate.  It obviously looks like she can't afford to dry her shirts nor can she afford bras and she also can't afford full shirts.

Kaley Cuoco posed for the Australian edition of Maxim magazine this week.  That is all.

Well I guess not all Scientology marriages are on the rock because this is John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston kissing.  Can you believe people claim that Travolta is gay?  Not pictured is an erection or the remote semblance of one.

Jessica Simpson sent out this photo of herself on Twitter this week with the caption "Just taking a walk around the block... Street legal???"  It looks like she has the entire Wisconsin milk industry in that shirt.  I guess that's what happens when you're pregnant for 49 months.  Her boobs are bigger than her head but still only half the size of Kanye West's head.  Her boobs are so big that I am legally prohibited from making fun of her anymore.  You may have won this battle, Jessica, but I will win the war.  OMG I am so "distracted".

Jessica also tweeted a photo of her baby Maxwell.  Is it me or does this look like Jessica look like she's sending out a headshot of Maxwell to get her in the next Aliens or Prometheus movie?

This is the cover of the new Playboy magazine.  Jenny has been using the words "classy" and "elegant" to describe "photoshop".  Here's what she told People magazine: "I'm really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They're really elegant. It's probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you'd see of people with their clothes on."  Jenny McCarthy and the words "classy" and "elegant" go together like "Jenny McCarthy" and "sane" and "sound science".  I guess I wouldn't call any photoshoot where you show off your naked body "sophisticated".  Unless you count the photos I took of me in front of a fireplace that I mailed to Kate Upton and Olivia Munn.  Sure, the bear rug that I'm laying on is classy but it's the scepter I hold in my hand that drives home the sophistication.

Jenna Jameson was officially charged with two counts DUI and one count of driving without a valid license this week.  She was arrested following an incident when she crashed her car into a lamppost on May 25th when she failed a field sobriety test and was shown to have blown a .13 on the breathalyzer.  I don't think that will hold up in court because lawyers will use her past blowing experiences to say she probably took the breathalyzer a little too deep.  She could face a year in jail if convicted on all charges.  Do you know how difficult it is to find a photo of her with clothes on and without exposed genitals near her?

Jason Lee and his wife Ceren welcomed a baby boy into the world on June 16th.  They have kept the news private and announced it just this week.  The boy is his third child and they named him Sonny.  That's actually a tame name since his first son's name is Pilot Inspektor and his daughter's name is Casper.

CHICK FIGHT CHICK FIGHT CHICK FIGHT CHICK FIGHT!  This may be the hottest chick fight ever unless Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin decide to square off.  Bar Refaeli(pictured) took to Twitter and made a comment about a soccer match.  She said that soccer player Ronaldo used too much hair gel.  Here's the tweet: "The only thing I can think of when I watch Ronaldo is that hair gel should really be outlawed!"  His girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Irina Shayk, defended him by tweeting back, "Being a hater is not a cute look. Learn to love."  Bar backed down and tweeted, "I love u and I love ur BF. I just don't like hair gel."  Those two need to quit acting like little kids and settle things like adults.  They need to have a sexy pillow fight.  There is no other way they can settle their differences.

Aubrey O'Day obtained medical classification that classifies her dogs as emotional support animals.  This means that she can take them anywhere she wants including flights.  On a recent flight, she had them seated on her and in the seat next to her and she even let them eat off her food tray.  She flew on Virgin Atlantic and according to their website the airline requires the passenger to produce a letter from a licensed mental health professional which substantiates the guest's disability-related need for the animal to accompany them in the aircraft cabin.  I think she's on to something.  I want to fly to Mexico and I heard a news story about police officers being killed during a shootout at an airport.  I can't help but think that I would be a lot calmer if I got my doctor to write me a letter saying I need emotional support hardcore pornography.

Anthony Davis was selected number one by the New Orleans Hornets in the recent NBA draft.  He's going to make a lot of money for dribbling a basketball but apparently he needs more.  He is taking it a little too far and is trademarking the phrases "Fear the Brow" and "Raise the Brow".  Please!  He's not the only person cursed with a unibrow.  I remember a guy a few grades below me in high school that had the most glorious unibrow.  That thing was almost as thick as the hair on his head.  Davis had this to say about the situation: "I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it. Me and my family decided to trademark it because it’s very unique.”  Like I'm going to go out and grow a unibrow because he has one.  I do have to admit that it is glorious and looks like a majestic bird in flight.  But he better recognize that he isn't first to have a unibrow.  He better fear the Frida Kahlo.

Sookie Stackhouse and vampire Bill Compton are expecting twins or at least that's the rumor.  Their True Blood co-star, Sam Trammell, said this: "I’m so excited for them. We sent them a special gift.  It’s so interesting that True Blood has become, like, the ‘twins’ show.  It’s harder, having twins, but it’s all we know. So we’re trying to impart some decent wisdom. I told them to hold on tight!"  Sam has a set of twin boys.  It sure does sound like Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are expecting twins.  I bet vampire Bill is going to be upset with shapeshifter Sam.

Here's Angelina Jolie on the set of Malcifent.  I guess her contract with Satan includes performing magic shows at Hell's birthday parties.

Famous asshole Alec Baldwin is also allegedly getting married this weekend.  He and his fiance have decided that they aren't sending out proper invitations but will text people the day of the wedding so they can show up if they want.  They want to avoid paparazzi interference.  All the paparazzi need to do is follow around some of his brothers so they can feel like they are famous.  The couple will exchange vows and it will be followed by the assholian traditional punching of whoever the fuck is taking my photo.

The Spice Girls reunited this week to announce that there would be a Spice Girls musical.  Look at them all.  They all seem excited about it except Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice.  She looks like she doesn't give a shit.  Well that's wrong because she can't physically give a shit since she probably had her digestive system removed for weight loss purposes.  British tabloids are reporting that she has gotten so skinny and so weak that she cannot even hold her baby.  She knows when she's being watched and she'll hold the baby but once the cameras are away she hands off the baby to bodyguards because she gets dizzy from lifting so much weight.  "You can never be too rich or too thin."  Wallis Simpson said that and I think Victoria is living by that saying.  I guess her doctor told her that the proper female weight is just enough for gravity to take effect.

Sorry for all the birthdays.  I think the celebrities are on strike from doing weird things.  I hope you all have a great weekend.

So my cat is making it difficult for me to type because she's rubbing her face on my fingers and then making her grunting noise at me and she's shedding all over my keyboard.  I should let her blog because she'd probably have something more intelligent to say.  Time for links.

1.  I have so many websites bookmarked and some I just forget to post in a timely fashion which explains this link to an article of the top ten sacrifices for Lent and why we won't give them up.   Lent was so last church season.  It's Pentecost now, fools.

2.  Someone once told me that science can explain everything in the world.  Well, here's 6 discoveries that science hasn't been able to explain.  Yeah, take that science.

3.  Speaking of in a timely fashion...here's an article from 2011 about how to explain gay rights to an idiot.

4.  Did the University of North Carolina cheat?

5.  Because you know I'm such a lonely pervert guy, here's a list of the sexiest female athletes.

6.  One of my favorite Tumblr sites is called Fake Science.  Well they have a fun facebook page and one of the best parts is their collection of cover art if you have the facebook timeline feature.  I still haven't switched over and I love it. 

7.  I've made the comment before that Scott Baio ruins everything.  I guess that comes from a squabble on a website.  Well I just know that this site, Scott Baio Ruins Everything, pretty much sums up how I feel about every movie or TV show that features Baio.

8.  Someone created a Tumblr featuring a few mugshots of people from a county in Wisconsin and they thought the people in the mugshots were celebrity lookalikes.  I didn't create it and I just find it sort of weird but oh well here's Jefferson County Celebrities.

9.  I don't really get the popularity of this Tumblr.  It's called Champagne Facials and it's basically just photos of girls having champagne poured on their faces.

10.  Here's a fun collection for you, it's photos of celebrities when they were much younger.

11.  I'm really anxious for football season to begin so I was reading this article on Reader's Digest that rates the top ten football stadiums in America.  I find it interesting that three of the stadiums are home fields for Wisconsin based teams.

12.  Does anyone remember the soda pop Surge?  Well if you do and you miss it then you may like this site, Save Surge.  I remember when that came out.  It was banned in the county where I went to high school because of it's high sugar and caffeine content.  I'd buy it when I went home and sell it at school.  We had a Surge black market going around that school. 

I hear there's a lot of hunting to be had in Sandusky, Ohio.

way to report, CNN and FOX News

Great soup or greatest soup?

I was originally blonde so that works for me.

Why don't they make bacon scented perfume?  Also why don't they make grill scented perfume and gasoline scented perfume and cheese scented perfume?

Those are awful stereo types.

Say hello to my little propane regulator.

Dr. Oz often says that shit that looks like a snake is healthy but to me that looks a little too healthy.

Wisconsin is so racist.

Even Paris Hilton's crabs have chauffeurs.  Talk about the 1%...Occupy...oh wait, I don't want to occupy anything belonging to Paris Hilton.

Just like these posts.

Debating about ObamaCare?  Saying someone is racist because they don't like the president?

Have a good night.

AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

 found these comment cards over on the Tumblr and thought I'd have to share.  Just because they come from a place in Wisconsin doesn't mean I filled them out.

Man, now I'm in the mood for some Culver's but all of them are closed by now.  #firstworldproblems

Maybe I'll just stick with beer

#truth

Ladies, would you wear these pants?

So did we ever catch Kony with those viral videos and public masturbating?

Ladies and gentlemen, the number one pick in the NBA draft.  He's also trademarking his unibrow.  The money's rolling in for Anthony Davis.

Have a great night.

I see the previews for “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” and I can’t help but wonder what he would think of this movie.  The first thing he’d probably think is,“Moo-vee?”  And then I probably wouldn’t be able to get him to go to the theater to see it.

Telling someone who smokes that it is bad for them is like explaining to a prostitute that she is exposing herself to higher risks of being infected with an STD or becoming pregnant.

I find our society to be absolute shit when people eat toilet paper without being questioned but the moment someone eats meat they are labeled a murderer and questioned about the morality behind their decision to eat meat.

I wish I had a metal detector but instead of detecting metal it would detect people who wanted to have sex with me.

I think the reason I’m so ugly is because I’m so funny and God just wanted to make it fair for everyone else.

Pick-up line destined not to work: Girl, you should call me“Mini Umbrella” because I’m always broke and sure to get you wet.

One of the things I find most distasteful about living in Wisconsin is if you go out driving at night on rural roads it will sound like rain hitting your windshield but in actuality you’re hitting hundreds of bugs.  Then you have to clean your windshield and wipers won’t do.

Whenever I get rejected I figure that person is secretly in love with me and can’t come to terms with their emotions.

“Fuck society,” said the 13 year old girl who was dressed in soft pastels and grunge clothing posting from her brand new Mac book that her parents bought her after she spilled her chai latte on her Che Guevara t-shirt.

Jim Carey recently said he has no interest in doing a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber” and Jeff Daniels said, “Oh, yeah, totally, a sequel?  Yeah, that’s just, yeah, stupid.”  Thanks for leaving us with horrible memories of “Dumb and Dumberer” asshole.

If crying burned a lot of calories, I’d have the same body as Christian Bale in The Machinist.

The Oscar Meyer factory in Madison was flying a rainbow flag this past week.  And I don’t want to sing the Oscar Meyer wiener song or tangle with the wienermobile because I’m worried about modifications.  “My wiener has a first name and it’s S-C-H-U-P-T-W-U-R-S-T and my wiener has a second name and it’sS-C-H-N-I-C-K-E-L-P-F-E-I-F-E-R-F-L-E-I-S-H-E-R-H-A-N-S-G-R-U-B-E-R”

I hate traveling in time to tell Nostradamus jokes because he always says, “I know where this is going” before I deliver the punchline.

OK I’m going to share a magic trick with you.  Take your age and add 50 to it.  Now take that number and subtract 50.  The answer will be your age.  TA-DA!

My mom always said, “Nothing beats a good long poop.”  She also said, “Matthew, stop making up things that I said and posting them on the internet.”

Did you know there’s a phone number that’s an anonymous tip line where you can call in if you suspect kids are drinking illegally?  It’s 1-800-UNDER21.  It should be more like 1-800-FUNKILL

I’m hoping for the day when Maury Povich releases a tell-all book and he’ll call it “There’s Something about Maury”.  Hopefully there’s a chapter about Brett Favre.

Does anyone remember the cartoon Jem?  If you do then you remember a 1980s cartoon that was about Lady Gaga.

Apparently I look suicidal if I’m not constantly smiling.  I went down to the lake so I could do some swimming.  I wanted to setup a rope swing so I was throwing the rope over a large branch and a cop happened to see me and he came running and screaming that my life was worth living.  Hell yeah it’s worth living especially if I can do some rope swinging.

There was a recent hullabaloo at a school.  A band teacher asked two students, a boy and a girl, to go out to his car to get some instruments.  Well instead of getting the instruments they decided to have sex and were caught by a different teacher because they didn’t realize there was a class in session right by the faculty parking lot.  Why am I sharing this?  Well it’s sort of depressing that the band geeks are getting more sex than me.

So let us set it straight about Twilight.  Bella picks a vampire over a werewolf so she’s picking necrophilia over bestiality. Then the werewolf falls in love with her child which is pedo-bestiality.  How the hell did that book get published?

The real reason the Supreme Court was split on the immigration issue is because they want to see more Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If it wasn’t for the internet I’d probably have a doctorate by now.

A recent medical study found a link between tanning beds and brain damage.  They were able to come to this decision after watching only one episode of The Jersey Shore.

Since gold prices are so high, I’m thinking of drinking a lot of Goldschlager and then taking my turds to Cash4Gold.

I banged Stacy’s mom and she did not have it going on.

I don’t know which is worse, Shannon Dougherty getting an online degree or doing commercials for online degrees.

I’m pretty sure having a baby would be pretty awesome just as long as the baby wouldn’t cry and the baby was actually a Big Buck Hunter arcade game and a kegerator.

I think the real reason why the Oklahoma City Thunder did poorly against the Miami Heat was because the OKC Thunder weren’t used to the overpowering stench of Axe Body Spray. Seriously, whenever I watched a Heat game I swear I could smell the Axe through my TV.

A girl called me a douche today.  I was so shocked that my sunglasses fell off my forehead and I was about to fall over but thankfully my popped collar helped me stay upright.

I find it disheartening to have a job where no one asks me to do my Godzilla impersonation.

Women are like waterslides. You have to stand around to have fun and then it only lasts 30 seconds.

The next time you see a kid wearing a Ramones shirt, ask them what their favorite Ramones song is. Then sit back and enjoy the silence. Also if you see a kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt, ask the same thing.

Since Jenny McCarthy likes to blame vaccines for causing autism without having any scientific backing I’m going to make a similar accusation.  If you buy the new Playboy with Jenny McCarthy you will never have an erection the rest of your life.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, a place where you can argue about rape, homosexuality, politics, body image, cutting, biting your nails, and whether or not the moon exists or is made of cheese.

I was on Omegle and I gave about 5 people my url to Xanga but none of them were in total disbelief that they were talking with THE godfatherofgreenbay of Xanga and Tumblr fame.

Do you ever look at your Xanga and say, “I have great taste in everything”?  I do that on a daily basis.  I also wonder why no one has ever punched me in the face yet.

How to lose followers on Xanga:  tell people that things from your childhood are better than things from their childhood, inform people that they are acting like bigger dicks than the people on Xanga whose sole purpose here is to act like dicks, have an opinion, breathe.

It’s all fun and games until a 23 year old hipster vegan animal rights activist is offended by your Xanga.  It’s also all fun and games until a middle aged Pakistani man sends you a friend request here and he’s fully nude.

For inane drivel, we have Facebook.  For witty, inane drivel, we have Twitter.  For insane, inane drama, we have Xanga.  Long live Xanga!

What if a Xangan ran for president and totally forgot about posts they made on Xanga?  Then the person they’re running against finds it and uses the posts about how they think Paris Hilton is a complete whore and their ardent support of cats against them.  Just image the lawsuits.

People who say Xanga is dead have a dead soul.

I like to image that when you read this that you laugh like an America’s Funniest Home Videos audience.

Alright, Xanga, I'm in such a good mood lately and you have been so nice to me that I've decided to pay it forward so to speak and have decided to do a contest/giveaway.  I have tons of this good stuff and I need to get rid of it.  Basically I just want to show you how much I care for Xanga and how much I love this community and how we can do something here that doesn't revolve around drama.  Also, this is in no way a clever ruse to gain popularity, Top Blog status, sex from Xangans, and more Xanga friends.  This is a legitimate contest/giveaway.

So how does it work?

1. Recommend this post as many times as you want.  You can click the heart on my page, link it to your pulses, or post about my totally awesome excellent Xanga contest/giveaway.
2. Liking this post via Facebook will also help spread the cause.
3. You can win and you don't even have to be my friend...sorry to people I blocked.  More than likely if I blocked you I consider you a bigot or a racist so I don't want the likes of you on my site...sorry.
4. I will pick five random winners.
5. I will ship the prizes to anywhere in the world.  This contest isn't just for Americans but if you are from outside the United States, the rules of your country apply to this contest/giveaway.
6. Make sure you have messaging enabled so I can message you that you are a winner.
7. Bribery is accepted
8. Contest ends at 4:37AM on Friday June 29th...Honolulu time.

What are the prizes?

1. The gift of air from my lungs.  This is the best gift in the whole universe.  Basically, I breathed in some oxygen and it got transported by my red blood cells to the rest of my body and at some point the oxygen is exchanged for carbon dioxide.  You are getting carbon dioxide.
2. Not only will you receive carbon dioxide but you will also receive a plethora of potential pathogens that I may have accidentally breathed in over the course of my day.  Not too long ago I had a sinus infection so cross your fingers because you may get some of that.
3. Air and not the syntho-pop duo but the stuff you breathe.

So there you have it, Xanga.  That is my totally awesome excellent contest giveaway. 
And the contest begins....right now

That's it!  I can't believe you read that and this is the portion of small print that appears at the end of all contests.  If you are reading this then I think you're awesome but for some reason it doesn't show up as being really small.  Fix yo' shit, Xanga.

Good luck and may the odds be in your favor!

Yeah I don't have a title tonight but I still have #caturday  ENJOY!

This post totally synchs up with Weezer's "Pinkterton".  Get the album and press play when the cat sticks his tongue out after he's finished yawning.

Nyjer Morgan AKA Tony Plus AKA Tony Cat Lover










The last two weeks I've had photos of cats quoting Charlie Sheen.  This week I have photos of Charlie Sheen quoting cats.





And no post with Charlie Sheen can be complete without a warning against drug abuse.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend

So this evening I decided to relax and watch a couple of rented movies.  First up was "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close".  I loved it.  I have been wary of movies that center around 9/11 but this one...this one really tugged at the heart strings and well I am man enough to admit that I had a few tears while watching.  The next movie definitely did not give me any feelings whatsoever.  It was "Chronicle".  I liked the Blair Witch Project but the one thing it unleashed on the film industry was that whole "lost footage" take on movies and it sucks.  I was surprised by the cast.  I only knew one guy and that's only because I was a fan of Friday Night Lights.  Anyway, I wasn't pleased so here I come to mock celebrities...round up.

Well here's a shot of Sofia Vergara enjoying an ice cream cone.  Sure eating an ice cream cone is hot and all but I bet once you marry her she stops eating ice cream cones and will only eat ice cream in a dish with a spoon.  I hear that happens in a lot of marriages.

Rihanna showed off a new t-shirt this week.  It's supposed to be a tribute to Tupac Shakur because he had a tattoo around his belly that said "Thug Life" but Rihanna decided she needed to make that a bit more classy.  Yes, that shirt is so classy it's only a matter of time before we see Hilary Clinton and Queen Elizabeth wearing it.

Stacy Keibler took this photo to disprove all the pregnancy rumors out there.  Apparently having a flat stomach means you can't be in the early stages of pregnancy.  I guess I'm not a biology person because I went to Lutheran school and all but that seems a bit stupid.  Besides that I want her to be pregnant so I can call her baby the little Keibler elf.  Also, I always thought George Clooney got his junk snipped because he got tired of whatever his flavor of the month was at the time taking his used condoms and a turkey baster standing on her head trying to impregnate herself in the hopes of being set for life.

I was sort of surprised this week by how many big names in the music industry had birthdays.  First up is Paul McCartney.  He turned 70.  It's hard to believe that he and Ringo are the only remaining Beatles.  I guess I talked quite a bit about Paul this week and describing the hoax of his death.  It does make for some interesting reading even if he didn't die.

Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys turned 70 this week as well.  I absolutely adore The Beach Boys.  Their music is perfect for this time of the year.  Whenever I hear their harmonious strains I can't help but think of the warm weather and the beach.  Speaking of harmony, is there any band that had better harmony than the Beach Boys?  I can't think of any.  Wilson is a musical genius and if you want proof listen to the album Pet Sounds.

Barry Manilow turned 69 this week.  He wrote the songs that made the whole world sing.  Yeah, I do enjoy Manilow.  There's something so comforting about his music.

George S. Clinton of Parliament Funkadelic turned 65 this week.  This guy was one of the innovators of funk music and he's been sampled so many times.  I have to admit that PFunk wasn't that big when I was growing up but I had to grow into his music.  It was mostly after I saw a movie called PCU.  They were in that movie and I loved the music so I checked out a few of their songs.  Then I started getting into Red Hot Chili Peppers and well if you like some of their early to mid 90s material you'd definitely like PFunk.  I also have to say I dig his hair.

Cyndi Lauper turned 59 this week.  I found it funny that she celebrated her birthday by being on a show that sort of gave her a big break.  She was in the WWF back in the early 80s and last Monday night she made her return to the ring.  It was quite awesome to see her back there.  Lauper got a lot of people into wrestling and a lot of wrestling fans got into music.  It was a perfect match and they often called that era of wrestling the Rock and Wrestling Era.

Lionel Richie turned 63 this week.  I think the first song I ever obsessed over as a kid was his song "Dancing on the Ceiling".  I played it over and over and over and again because I kept thinking that maybe just maybe that the more I'd listen to it I'd be able to dance on my ceiling.  I was pretty stupid.

Hahahahahahahaha...big names in the music industry...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  Rebecca Black turned 15 this week.  When was her birthday?  It wasn't on Friday Friday Friday, it was on Thursday Thursday Thursday.  What did she do?  She had fun fun fun fun.  God I have that song in my head now. 

Well hot damn!  Miley Cyrus' briches ain't nearly big enough for her supple hind end.  Am I the only one who isn't surprised that she owns cut-off jean shorts?

Meryl Streep turned 63 this week.  Oh man, oh lordy she still has it.  I'm always shocked that she is that "old".  I think she either found the fountain of youth or she made a pact with Satan.  I don't know which is more believable but I think we better start investigating.

Remember last week when I wrote about how Lindsay Lohan was found unresponsive and friends called 911 because they were worried?  Well she took time out of her busy filming schedule to address the situation on Twitter: "Note to self.. After working 85hours in 4days, and being up all night shooting, be very aware that you might pass out from exhaustion & 7 paramedics MIGHT show up @ your door.... Hopefully theyre cute. Otherwise it would be a real let down."  Notice she didn't say exactly what she was up all night shooting.  I don't think she's worked 85 hours total since Mean Girls was in theaters.  So Lindsay deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor for filming a basic cable movie and becoming exhausted from such a hard work schedule. 

This face of raw emotions and multiple layers of expressions is the face of the highest paid actress in Hollywood.  She now commands $34.5million a movie which is roughly $1 for every time she blinks in the entire Twilight trilogy.  Forbes put a list of the top ten paid actresses: 10. Jennifer Aniston - $12 million  9. Kristen Wiig - $12 million  8. Meryl Streep - $12 million  7. Sarah Jessica Parker - $15 million(not included is all the hay she receives)  6. Julia Roberts - $16 million  5. Charlize Theron - $18 million  4. Angie Jolie - $20 million  3. Sandra Bullock - $25 million  2. Cameron Diaz - $34 million  1. Kristen Stewart - $34.5 million  I actually think this list is depressing because of #1 and #2 making nearly three times as much per movie as Meryl Streep.  If you ripped out one of Meryl's pubic hairs, put a wig and make-up on it, and pushed it in front of a camera it would be a better actress than Cameron Diaz and Kristen Stewart.

Now now now, I know what you're all saying right now..."Godfather, you told us that you were never going to write about She with the Big Ass Who Must Not be Named".  You're right, I said that but a story broke this week that I couldn't pass up the opportunity on writing.  Kris Humphries is spilling all the Kardashian family secrets.  Well he isn't revealing them exactly.  It's his exgirlfriend.  He texted her some of the Kardashian family secrets and now Myla Sinanaj is telling what he told her.  The juiciest bit was that Kim's mom, Kris Jenner, insisted that she make a sextape and when the first product wasn't to her liking she instructed Kim on how to reshoot it.  Representatives for the Kardashians say this is a lie.  Hmmm I don't think there's any lie here because I really do believe Kris Jenner is that disgusting.  There's no way a woman, who would lie to her own daughter about who her father is and uses Chinese slave labor to make a clothing line so she could get every single last cent, would lie about her involvement in her daughter's sextape.  Perpetuating a lie just so her name can be put on a check?  That is just plain nonsense.

Well, girls, I know a lot of you say how much you love Johnny Depp and how much you want to marry his brains out.  Well the good news for you is he is now single.  Johnny broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Vanessa Paradis.  They aren't saying who split from whom but there have been countless rumors circulating that Johnny has been thrown his junk into several female starlets including Amber Heard and one of the Olsen twins.  I don't know why he'd do that but Johnny is part Native American and as a Native American it is our duty to bang as many white women as possible because that's our reparations.  That and casinos, casino revenue checks, no sin tax, and little to now body hair.  I think I'm missing a few others.

Fans have waited for 17 years for a true sequel to Dumb and Dumber and the loyal fans who've waited don't count that crap called Dumb and Dumberer.  Well the fans who've waited had good news a few months ago that said shooting the sequel, Dumb and Dumber To, was set to begin in September.  Well Jim Carrey dropped out because he didn't think the studio was committing to the project.  So I guess it's back to waiting and quoting lines from Dumb and Dumber.  So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*  PLEASE!

I hate my life and I hate what America has become.  The cast of Jersey Shore makes $150,000 per episode and this season runs about 12 episodes and that basically totals $1.8million.  Then they get a $400,000 bonus at the beginning of the season and a $200,000 bonus at the end of the season and if there is any reunion show they'll receive another $150,000.  So basically they're making $2.5million this year just for being filmed while being idiotic.  Are you kidding me?  What the fuck is wrong with this country?  We have these shitheads making $2.5million and I know teachers that have to take summer jobs just to make ends meet.  I cannot believe in this country these bozos get paid 6 figures an episode to catch an STD and vomit on camera.  Maybe this is why Obama hasn't closed Guantanamo Bay.  He's going to have to lock them all up to cinch the 2012 election.  Of course the only people who care aren't old enough to vote so lock them up.

Jack Osbourne just celebrated the birth of his first child two weeks ago.  He and his fiancee welcomed a baby girl into the world and named her Pearl Clementine.  Well in all that happiness of wiping up baby drool and diapers Jack lost 60% of his vision and then the doctors dropped shocking news to the 26 year old.  He has multiple sclerosis.  Jack told People magazine this: "I was just angry and frustrated and kept thinking, 'Why now?' I've got a family and that's what's supposed to be the most important thing. Then I got really sad for about two days, and after that I realized: 'Being angry and upset is not going to do anything at this point—if anything it's only going to make it worse.' 'Adapt and overcome' is my new motto."  Jack has been put on several meds and is going to undergo holistic treatments as well.  When I was in high school I lived with the principal's wife right behind the school.  She had MS and one of the ways she combated it was through bee stings.  She received bee stings three times a week and interestingly enough, after every therapy session she walked much better for quite a while.  Later on she also did horseback riding and that helped. Today you'd hardly know she has it.  Anyway, as much as I hated The Osbournes and their reality show, I wish the best for Jack.

Never a dull Father's Day in the Woody Allen and Mia Farrow households.

Oh man, I think I finally found the reason why Coco's always posing in such suggestive poses.  Male attention might be the only currency she knows.  Sort of sad actually but who am I to complain?

This is Chris Hemsworth on vacation in Sydney and ladies, this is for you so eat it up.  I have to say I think Miley picked the wrong brother.  Oh well, we all know Hollywood marriages don't last so she could always end up with him.  I just want to say I have the same muscle definition as Thor there but I'm modest and I hide mine under fat, fat that I use to keep myself warm in winter.

This week ABC aired a show called The Glass House and CBS was trying their hardest to prevent it from airing because they feel it is a blatant knock-off of CBS' hit Big Brother.  CBS went to a judge to stop it and also tried to get a restraining order but it didn't work and ABC aired the show.  I watched about 15 minutes and thought it was worse than Big Brother.  Well CBS put out something funny this week and I think this statement was funnier than anything CBS currently airs.  They announced they are going to air two new shows called Dancing on the Stars and Postermodern Family.  Here's the press release: "Los Angeles, June 21, 2012 – Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.  The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood’s most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.  The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew “Fatty” Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.  “This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that’s totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest,” said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. “Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we’re sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY.”  “After all,” the spokesperson added, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
I'm sorry but that is too funny but we already have a Dancing on the Stars and that's every time a young Hollywood starlet(i.e. Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Stodden) dresses up like Marilyn Monroe and thus they tap dance all over her grave.  I can't believe they are fighting over a show that's aired ONE EPISODE but that being said, I'd watch those fake shows.  And also CBS should lighten up because we all know TV shows copy each other.  Glee is a rip-off of Kids Inc.  Finding Bigfoot is a rip-off of Khloe and Lamar.  Auction Hunters is a rip-off of Storage Wars and Storage Hunters is a rip-off of Auction Hunters and Storage Wars.  Swamp People is a rip-off of The World According to Paris Hilton.

Country music star and self-professed Christian, Carrie Underwood voiced her support for gay marriage this week and her fan base was upset.  Here's what she said and this is so SHOCKING: "As a married person myself, I don’t know what it’s like to be told I can’t marry somebody I love, and want to marry.  I can’t imagine how that must feel. I definitely think we should all have the right to love, and love publicly, the people that we want to love.  Above all, God wanted us to love others. It’s not about setting rules, or [saying] ’everyone has to be like me’. No. We’re all different. That’s what makes us special. We have to love each other and get on with each other. It’s not up to me to judge anybody."  Guess what.  Her fan base now thinks she's possessed by the devil.  Apparently it's cool to get pass-out drunk, beat your ex's car with a baseball bat, have children out of wedlock, smoke weed, and hate people with different skin colors.  But it is most definitely not cool to preach love and acceptance.  Here's some of the best tweets Carrie received in response to her statement: "I warned @carrieunderwood fans that their idol was going to get backlash for her support of marriage perversion and I was right! #asusual", "@carrieunderwood Is a disgrace. Being vegan and supporting gay marriage doesn’t seem very country at all", Another day, and a another ’gospel’ artist signed to ’EMI’ comes out supporting gay marriage. @ carrie underwood Unequally signed to the devil", "Using Christianity to defend and promote homosexuality is insulting. Ugh", "Being Saved doesn’t stop you from being dumb", and "Jesus just let go of the wheel".  One thing I've often had troubles with is how being Christian means being Christ-like.  And by saying you hate an entire segment of the population is doing the job wrong.  I wonder if people who claim they are Christians remembers who Jesus spent the majority of his time with while he was on earth.  Oh and people didn't like that so they had him killed.  It boggles my mind how people can be so adamantly against one thing the Bible says but skip over 99% of other sins.  I guess I'm at the point in life where I will let God be God.  1 Corinthians 5:12-13.

It looks like Ashton Kutcher got confused while filming for Two and a Half Men and thought since he was the star they should call the show Where's Walden.

Holy crap, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a muff on his face and for the first time in a long time it doesn't belong to the family maid.

This is a first look at Angelina Jolie as a character named Maleficent.  This is a live action movie that will be about the villain Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty and will focus on the events that hardened her heart to curse the baby Aurora.  The movie is titled Maleficent is set to be released in 2014.  No jokes here, I'm sort of interested in this mostly because Angelina Jolie looks terrifying without make-up.  I'll have nightmares for months if I watch that.

Alec Baldwin may have anger issues.  He was being trailed by the paparazzi all day and as he was leaving the New York Marriage License Bureau he decided to attack one of the photographers.  Why?  Because he's Alec Baldwin and he's an asshole.  Baldwin once called his daughter a little pig so just pushing a cameraman is actually better.  He treats cameramen better than his own children.  Baldwin went to Twitter and claimed that the photographer almost hit him.  In other words, he didn't almost hit Baldwin and a perfectly acceptable response is to assault the cameraman.  Did I mention that Alec Baldwin is an asshole?  A day later, Baldwin was leaving his apartment on his bike and he ran over the foot of a reporter from Inside Edition.  Baldwin took to Twitter and blamed everyone but himself: "I am told I ran over someone's foot on my bike today. I think it was that person who placed their foot under the wheel of my bike."  Yes, the 5'2" female reporter saw Baldwin coming a mile away and hatched a devious plan by sticking her foot out at the last second so he'd run it over.  Or maybe, just maybe, Alec Baldwin is an asshole who decided that he'd just ride through the group of reporters and could care less about what happens.  Which sounds like a more likely scenario?  This guy could rule a Middle Eastern nation with an iron fist.   I think I failed to mention but he is an asshole.

I knew this was going to happen.  Rock of Ages is considered a box office bomb.  It debuted as the third place movie behind Madagascar 3 and Prometheus earning only $15million which is quite dismal considering it had a budget of $75million.  People are saying it's because of Tom Cruise.  He hasn't done much in way of promoting the movie.  He's had a few solo appearances and given a couple half-hearted interviews.  It's like he knew it was going to flop so he wanted to get away from it.  I think it also might have had something to do with Alec Baldwin being in the movie.  Did I ever mention that Alec Baldwin is an asshole?

People are saying that ever since Britney Spears landed the judging gig on The X-Factor it's changed her life and she has finally kicked all her personal demons and she's ready to take a new step in her career.  To the people that say that I suggest they take a look at this recent photo and tell me they believe she's kicked all her demons to the curb.  Heck, it looks like she's hiding a box cutter behind her back and she's ready to plunge it in my neck.  I bet the next words out of her mouth are, "it puts the lotion in the basket."

I hope you have a great weekend, boners.

Hey look at me posting one of these posts that I haven't done for two weeks.  I hope you appreciate it or not.

1.  I wasn't sure if I posted this before or not but if I did I apologize.  It's a list of 8 words you can't say on the internet in China.  And people think Americans are being stripped of their freedoms.

2.  I think everyone likes an urban legend.  Well some of those urban legends have some interesting origins.  Here's a list of 5 ridiculous origins.  I've been talking about the third one quite a bit lately.

3.  I enjoy playing video games especially the old Grand Theft Auto games on PS2.  I always found it funny when there was something hidden in the games.  Well here's a list of some famous Easter Eggs in video games.

4.  And while we're on the topic of video games...one thing I've noticed in the past is that people don't like video game violence but if there's a sex scene the game is EVIL.  Sure you can saw off people's heads with a chainsaw but if the character has sexual relations that is awful.  Well anyway I don't know where I'm going so here is a list of 7 famous sex scenes in video games.

5.  I saw this list of books that everyone should read before they turn 30 and I was sort of shocked how many of those books I did read before I turned 30.  And now I'm off to find the rest for my ereader.

6.  I've noticed that a lot of people I follow on Tumblr and a lot of people here on Xanga love the show Boy Meets World.  I only think I saw the first season and I didn't care for it.  There I said it.  I don't remember why exactly.  I think I thought the lead character was spoiled or something.  Anyway for the Boy Meets World fans here's a collection of then and now pics of the cast.

7.  I found this site randomly on Tumblr.  It's called Hot Dogs with Faces.  The guy travels around America and he takes pictures of hot dogs that have faces.  There aren't many entries but I was shocked he got one from my area.

8.  This site, OKCupid Enemies, has quickly become one of my favorite Tumblr sites.  It features photos of some of the worst that OKCupid has to offer.  I am shocked that these people actually think they'll find a relationship on that site.

9.  For the anal retentive people out there, here's a Tumblr site called Things Organized Neatly.

10.  I've always been amazed by how many women win Academy Awards by playing a prostitute.  In the 83 years of the Academy Awards 13 women have won for playing hookers...note that there have been others nominated who didn't win.  By the way, only one man has ever been nominated for playing a prostitute.

11.  I don't know what this really is other than having fun with triangles in multiple ways.  When you get bored just click the white triangle on the side for something new to play with.

12.  And since the baseball season is heating up, here's an interesting site.  It keeps track of how fast and how slow players run around the bases after hitting a homerun.  I'm actually shocked that the slowest ones are actually that "fast".

Always a problem

I'm sure my neighbors would approve

This may be the greatest moment in Sunny history.

Captain Whatever Planet that is

Michael Scott approves

Pretty much

Ah...the good old days!  But seriously the last time I had a Blatz I thought I was going sterile.

Me too...I always ask Santa to make me a Tenenbaum every Christmas.

Forever alone...in bed.

There is nothing more exhilarating in life than smoking two cigarettes at the same time.  Hmmm cravings...off to eat some popsicles.

Sadly, the Incontinent Hulk never caught on.

Xanga, you know who's awesome?  You are.

I've had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it's always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say.  In the past I've had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, The Crisis in Egypt, FBI Poker Sites Seizures, Penn State, Christmas, and Trayvon Martin.  And so to keep the tradition alive, I contracted a guest blogger to cover a very serious topic.

Lately Xanga has exploded or in some cases imploded over the recent drama.  I have wanted to stay out of this but my guest blogger had a lot to say on the topic.  Remember the views of the guest blogger do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

Guest blogger...a lawn sprinkler.

Once again, a reminder to avoid drama, the views of the guest blogger do not necessarily reflect GodfatherofGreenbay's opinions.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it understand what Prometheus is about.

Speaking of movies have you seen the new one called“Constipated”?  Oh wait, never mind, it hasn’t come out yet.

I’ve been using Google Earth to search which yards have milkshakes in them.

I never cry.  I just have allergic reactions to feelings.

I’m not sure if I want a relationship right now.  I know I talk about wanting someone but I think what I want most is someone who’ll let me touch their boobs without it getting weird.

I love how when I watch Maury Povich that the majority of commercials are for loans and stay at home colleges.  It’s like they know the people watching are smart and want to get a degree in psychology and a payday advance to feed their crack habit.  Also, did you know Father’s Day is Maury’s favorite day of the year?

I once made the mistake of telling a Cirque de Soleil acrobat to go fuck himself.  There are just some things in life that can’t be unseen.

I’m so excited for The Dark Knight Rises.  I can’t figure out which of my three Batman capes I should wear to the theater.

One of the reasons why I hate Olive Garden is that they just seemingly lump together Italian words to make it sound like something you should eat.  “Try the new Cassonetto Stupro.  You’ll love it.”  Cassonetto Sturpo means “dumpster rape”.

Pick-up line destined not to work: “Is your name Google because you’re everything I’m searching for.”

Do vegans get mad at animals for eating other animals and then preach to them about how much better they are because they’re vegan?

They should do sexual myths on Mythbusters like the correlation between shoe size and penis size and lip color and nipple color.

I’ve talked to people and a lot of times they say, “BRB shower time”.  I figure that means one of two things.  The first is “I’m not actually taking a shower but I just don’t want to talk to your boring ass”.  The other is an open invitation to imagine that person caressing their soapy and naked body in hopes that you get turned on by that thought.

I don’t think I’m going to teach my kids the alphabet because the alphabet is a work of Satan. The more letters you know then the more words you know and if you know a lot of words then you can create dirty, evil sentences.  My children will be God fearing mutes.

The movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” pretty much sums up my life right now except for the part about “for the End of the World”.

I only use Irish Spring soap because it makes my genitals smell like a field of happy leprechauns searching for a pot of gold.  Now if I could find my pot of gold.

I was reading that Matchbox 20 was recording their first new album in 10 years.  Since when did America start negotiating with terrorists?

Pulling out before you’re finished also doesn’t work if you’re making cupcakes.

Have you ever been watching porn and you’re getting into it and all of a sudden you hear, “Hey you, yeah, you!” and you get terrified,close out the internet, shut down the monitor, and pull up your pants in a matter of seconds only to realize it was one of those banner ads?

I was going to write a blog about Rodney King’s death but the police beat me to it.  And if you think that’s bad you clearly don’t remember Rodney King.

A recent medical study found that it is more difficult for women to stop smoking than men.  They have now put smoking in the same category as nagging and shopping.

Have you ever found yourself asking what type of wine goes best with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos?

I am always shocked to open Twitter and read the tweets made by journalists…so many spelling errors. But then they are sports reporters and I don’t think their audience cares if they can spell correctly.

This afternoon the Jerry Sandusky’s defense team asked the judge if he would throw out the jury so they could get the jury from the Roger Clemens trial.  Even though they acquitted Clemens they didn’t find him not guilty of being an asshole.

My cellphone always changes “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, cellphone, well plaid.

It’s so hot even my taint is sweating profusely.

Daniel Day Lewis is such a good actor that I assume every person I meet is Daniel Day Lewis.  I celebrated Father’s Day by watching him in “There Will be Blood” because there is no better father figure in Hollywood history than his character in that movie.

I like to wear a lot of black clothing so I can show off the cat hair.

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

 

I always get confused when I see the letters “TMI”.  I know it’s supposed to stand for “Too Much Information” but I also think it stands for “Tell More Information” which is why I mentioned about how my taint is sweating profusely and to tell more information I hate hot weather because I sit on my sac way too often.

Do you think Smokey the Bear will be cremated when he dies?

Whoever said, “rock and roll will never die” never saw “Rock of Ages”.  I’m pretty sure rock and roll just had a massive heart attack and stroke. If I wanted to see Tom Cruise scantily clad with bad hair and singing 80s music, I’d rent Risky Business and probably be gay.

Do you think they’ll ever reboot the Schindler’s List series with Will Smith in the lead?

The preferred method of killing spiders in my house is to find the spider and then run to my room screaming like an idiot and then locking myself in my room for three days.

This week is the 200^th anniversary of the War of1812 AKA the war where America got curbstomped.

I want to clear the air here.  My last relationship didn’t end because I cheated.  It ended because I didn’t go to Jared.

I created a Facebook fan page called “Undecided Whether I Should Like this Page”.  I click “like”and then I unclick it.  I'm not even sure if I should keep it listed.

You should really get off your high horse because riding a horse that’s been smoking marijuana could be dangerous.

I went to the lumber yard to buy some bamboo to make some fishing poles but when I got home I found out they gave me oak instead.  I’ve been bamboozled.

When I was in peewee football the coach told us that to eat healthy we shouldn’t eat anything that has ingredients we can read.  The joke was on him because when I was in grade school I was reading a college level.

You know I think there are so many games one could play with Instagram…homeless or hipster…bong or vase. Well just two actually.  Also I find it funny that phones have had such advanced cameras put in them with greater and greater pixels but you go on Instagram and you make the photos all blurry.  Also if you wanted to find out what it’s like to look at everything in real life like it was on Instagram you just urinate in some goggles and then wear them all day.

In Wisconsin there’s a good way to tell if your girlfriend is the one.  You watch how she milks a cow.

I like to think my cellphone holder is the same kind Fonzie would’ve used.

Have you ever wondered if they named Magnum condoms after Magnum P.I.?  And if that is the case,it’s pretty cruel that they have Magnum condoms for guys with extra large penises but have no Higgins condoms for guys with the opposite problem.

I went to the bar Sunday night and saw two guys wearing shirts that said “#1 Dad”.  I said that it was impossible to have two #1 dads so I made them fight for the title.  It was not a disappointing fight and I made a bunch of money off the betting.

How to get people to follow you on Xanga: blog about quirky things that only you could like such as dinosaurs (and don’t forget the RAWR)and starbucks, blatantly display your sexuality, make sure you constantly mass message people to tell them you updated and to recommend your new post, and blog about Xanga drama even if it doesn’t involve you.

It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.

I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga.  It would certainly lead to less drama.

I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.

Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.

Wish me luck, I’m competing in the U.S. Olympics Comedy Team competition this weekend.

Recommend this post if you enjoy breathing.