I put the “semen” in “amusement”.

So I was checking out my old Myspace this morning and it was funny to see how I could log in through Facebook and there were ads for products that said “Like us on Facebook”. At least Myspace knows when they’re through and have embraced the enemy.

A local newspaper hired me to write an expose on the materials used at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It’s a total fluff piece.

I can’t think of anything worse than name-dropping.  Jay-Z, Kanye West, Donald Trump, and Bono told me they hate it as well.

I have a feeling that the reason Scott Walker won in Wisconsin is because senior citizens were confused and thought they were voting to keep Walker Texas Ranger on TV.

I am so confused by women. They are like a Rubik’s Cube strapped on to a crossword puzzle mixed with Sudoku with a dash of quantum physics all while embodied by a terrorist screaming at you in Esperanto.

Sometimes I’ll make a post, notice a typo, delete everything, and then rewrite it, and then notice another tpyo, delete everything and then rewrite it and then unplug my computer, and enter Witness Protection because I fear the grammar Nazis will get me.  And then sometimes I don’t bohter proorfeadnig. 

Sometimes I wish it was really possible to eat nothing but Taco Bell without dying of malnutrition and dehydration because of the explosive diarrhea.

I am going to come out and say it…I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses.  You can’t blame me because I’m of Italian descent so I hate witnesses of any variety.

Hamburger Helper is powerless when the hamburger doesn’t want to be helped.  Then you may have to stage an intervention.

I hate when people say “fuck the police”.  You should really take the police out on a few dates, get to know them, and then make sweet, passionate love to them but only if they consent.  And then you stop calling them and you make them cry and suffer like that bitch who tore out my heart and stomped on it with her heels. Oh she was busy.  Every single time I called how can someone be that busy. I mean seriously how can you be busy at 4AM?  I was looking in her windows and she didn’t look busy to me.

Whenever you feel lonely, just remember there are people out there that refer to Lady Gaga as mom.

Rap was so much better when the rappers were killing each other.  When is that pussy Drake going to sing about killing Bruno Mars or Pitbull?

Girls just wanna have fun and if by “fun” you mean “have my babies” then yes.

I heard a girl say how much she loved classic rock and how Mick Jagger was her favorite member of Aerosmith.  Stick to the One Direction, sweetheart.

I love when people release doves at weddings because nothing says true love like an animal escaping for their life.

My neighbor’s dog is showing me its red lipstick and its green eye shadow.  I get it, you’re a drag queen.  I’m not judging you.  It’s fine.

Have you ever watched Law and Order: SVU and touched your genitals and figured that put you on the FBI’s most wanted list?

If there were no bad parents there probably wouldn’t be any porn.

Not to brag but I think I’m the sexiest person at the Chinese buffet.  But then I don’t play hard to get because I’m too busy playing hard to want.

If you love someone just tell them or you could get drunk and text them like 75 times.  Both are pretty much the same.

I fart so much in my car that no one wants to ride with me which allows for me to be the passenger in their car and lets me concentrate on not farting.

Sometimes I sit back and shake my head in disbelief at how humble I am.

Gatorade’s new slogan is “Is it in you?”  Ironically that was my motto when I had sex.

The thing I miss most about summer break is my paste eating breaks.  It’s hard to go cold turkey.

If I had to stay on a deserted island with one person it would be Stephen Hawking.  It’s not that he could design a wormhole to get us out of there into another world it’s because I’d be able to eat all the food I’d want and he wouldn’t be able to do anything when I stole his coconuts.

Is it me or does the drum on all Adele songs sound like a Doritos bag being crumpled?

Pick-up line destined to fail: “I’ve never had a real orgasm.  Care to help?”

When I leave the house with my fly down it’s not an accident, it’s an invitation.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

One time when I was in high school my dad asked me to pick up some breakfast burritos from McDonald’s on my way home from work.  I forgot and when he asked where the breakfast burritos were the next morning I quick got a few tortillas and threw some cheerios and cheese on them and he didn’t know the difference.

If God didn’t want us to drink beer then why did he make our hands perfectly fit a beer can. Checkmate teetotalers.

I was at a bar and the guy next to me complained that his drink was too strong.  I grabbed it,downed it, and handed him back the empty glass with the ice and said, “Fixed it, pussy.”

Everyone says that the key to get a woman to like you is by making them laugh.  It hasn’t worked for me so if anyone asks me how to get a woman to like them I’d say that they should buy them sparkly, expensive shit.

When people say, “living the dream,” I always get creeped out because most of my dreams involve me playing hacky sack with Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the wolfman, Mitt Romney, and Dane Cook at a Phish concert.  I don’t want to live that at all.

Ladies, if a guy sends you a text message that contains consonants and vowels, it means he wants to have sex.

Guns don’t kill people. Wounds from bullets that are shot from guns kill people.  Also obesity, heart attacks, cancer, AIDS,face eating zombies, and people kill people.

I was worried and thought my house was haunted.  Turns out one of my neighbors was playing his new theremin.

I think people follow me on Xanga because they think I live an exciting life and then they follow me on Facebook and learning I’m boring.

I went on a date with a girl who got offended when she saw that I had unused condoms in my wallet. Good thing she didn’t see the used ones.

I got my girlfriend lasik surgery for her birthday.  I guess I should correct that to “ex-girlfriend”.

Rec this post if you enjoy orgasms.  If you don’t rec it that says a lot about you.

A spider got into my shoe and because of that I made it to the finals of So You Think You Can Dance.

If I’m ever referred to as the Clint Howard of Xanga then I’m done.

I think Xanga is a gloryhole for the mind.

Before Xanga, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “Can vampires get HIV since it’s a blood borne disease?”  Now I post them in these posts.

How do people who are offended by 90% of everything posted on Xanga survive?  I can’t imagine those people functioning in the real world. “Bird, your singing is too loud and you’re pitchy.  I’m going to block you!”  “Grass, you’re too green and not soft enough.  I’m unsubbing!”

Xanga is the reason the internet can’t have nice things.

I blame Xanga for destroying my ability to distinguish between sad personal tales of woe and jokes.

No matter what you post on Xanga, there’ll always be someone who will bitch about it so post what you want unless it offends me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be blogging telepathically so if you think of something funny that’s just me inside your head.