I see the previews for “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” and I can’t help but wonder what he would think of this movie.  The first thing he’d probably think is,“Moo-vee?”  And then I probably wouldn’t be able to get him to go to the theater to see it.

Telling someone who smokes that it is bad for them is like explaining to a prostitute that she is exposing herself to higher risks of being infected with an STD or becoming pregnant.

I find our society to be absolute shit when people eat toilet paper without being questioned but the moment someone eats meat they are labeled a murderer and questioned about the morality behind their decision to eat meat.

I wish I had a metal detector but instead of detecting metal it would detect people who wanted to have sex with me.

I think the reason I’m so ugly is because I’m so funny and God just wanted to make it fair for everyone else.

Pick-up line destined not to work: Girl, you should call me“Mini Umbrella” because I’m always broke and sure to get you wet.

One of the things I find most distasteful about living in Wisconsin is if you go out driving at night on rural roads it will sound like rain hitting your windshield but in actuality you’re hitting hundreds of bugs.  Then you have to clean your windshield and wipers won’t do.

Whenever I get rejected I figure that person is secretly in love with me and can’t come to terms with their emotions.

“Fuck society,” said the 13 year old girl who was dressed in soft pastels and grunge clothing posting from her brand new Mac book that her parents bought her after she spilled her chai latte on her Che Guevara t-shirt.

Jim Carey recently said he has no interest in doing a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber” and Jeff Daniels said, “Oh, yeah, totally, a sequel?  Yeah, that’s just, yeah, stupid.”  Thanks for leaving us with horrible memories of “Dumb and Dumberer” asshole.

If crying burned a lot of calories, I’d have the same body as Christian Bale in The Machinist.

The Oscar Meyer factory in Madison was flying a rainbow flag this past week.  And I don’t want to sing the Oscar Meyer wiener song or tangle with the wienermobile because I’m worried about modifications.  “My wiener has a first name and it’s S-C-H-U-P-T-W-U-R-S-T and my wiener has a second name and it’sS-C-H-N-I-C-K-E-L-P-F-E-I-F-E-R-F-L-E-I-S-H-E-R-H-A-N-S-G-R-U-B-E-R”

I hate traveling in time to tell Nostradamus jokes because he always says, “I know where this is going” before I deliver the punchline.

OK I’m going to share a magic trick with you.  Take your age and add 50 to it.  Now take that number and subtract 50.  The answer will be your age.  TA-DA!

My mom always said, “Nothing beats a good long poop.”  She also said, “Matthew, stop making up things that I said and posting them on the internet.”

Did you know there’s a phone number that’s an anonymous tip line where you can call in if you suspect kids are drinking illegally?  It’s 1-800-UNDER21.  It should be more like 1-800-FUNKILL

I’m hoping for the day when Maury Povich releases a tell-all book and he’ll call it “There’s Something about Maury”.  Hopefully there’s a chapter about Brett Favre.

Does anyone remember the cartoon Jem?  If you do then you remember a 1980s cartoon that was about Lady Gaga.

Apparently I look suicidal if I’m not constantly smiling.  I went down to the lake so I could do some swimming.  I wanted to setup a rope swing so I was throwing the rope over a large branch and a cop happened to see me and he came running and screaming that my life was worth living.  Hell yeah it’s worth living especially if I can do some rope swinging.

There was a recent hullabaloo at a school.  A band teacher asked two students, a boy and a girl, to go out to his car to get some instruments.  Well instead of getting the instruments they decided to have sex and were caught by a different teacher because they didn’t realize there was a class in session right by the faculty parking lot.  Why am I sharing this?  Well it’s sort of depressing that the band geeks are getting more sex than me.

So let us set it straight about Twilight.  Bella picks a vampire over a werewolf so she’s picking necrophilia over bestiality. Then the werewolf falls in love with her child which is pedo-bestiality.  How the hell did that book get published?

The real reason the Supreme Court was split on the immigration issue is because they want to see more Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If it wasn’t for the internet I’d probably have a doctorate by now.

A recent medical study found a link between tanning beds and brain damage.  They were able to come to this decision after watching only one episode of The Jersey Shore.

Since gold prices are so high, I’m thinking of drinking a lot of Goldschlager and then taking my turds to Cash4Gold.

I banged Stacy’s mom and she did not have it going on.

I don’t know which is worse, Shannon Dougherty getting an online degree or doing commercials for online degrees.

I’m pretty sure having a baby would be pretty awesome just as long as the baby wouldn’t cry and the baby was actually a Big Buck Hunter arcade game and a kegerator.

I think the real reason why the Oklahoma City Thunder did poorly against the Miami Heat was because the OKC Thunder weren’t used to the overpowering stench of Axe Body Spray. Seriously, whenever I watched a Heat game I swear I could smell the Axe through my TV.

A girl called me a douche today.  I was so shocked that my sunglasses fell off my forehead and I was about to fall over but thankfully my popped collar helped me stay upright.

I find it disheartening to have a job where no one asks me to do my Godzilla impersonation.

Women are like waterslides. You have to stand around to have fun and then it only lasts 30 seconds.

The next time you see a kid wearing a Ramones shirt, ask them what their favorite Ramones song is. Then sit back and enjoy the silence. Also if you see a kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt, ask the same thing.

Since Jenny McCarthy likes to blame vaccines for causing autism without having any scientific backing I’m going to make a similar accusation.  If you buy the new Playboy with Jenny McCarthy you will never have an erection the rest of your life.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, a place where you can argue about rape, homosexuality, politics, body image, cutting, biting your nails, and whether or not the moon exists or is made of cheese.

I was on Omegle and I gave about 5 people my url to Xanga but none of them were in total disbelief that they were talking with THE godfatherofgreenbay of Xanga and Tumblr fame.

Do you ever look at your Xanga and say, “I have great taste in everything”?  I do that on a daily basis.  I also wonder why no one has ever punched me in the face yet.

How to lose followers on Xanga:  tell people that things from your childhood are better than things from their childhood, inform people that they are acting like bigger dicks than the people on Xanga whose sole purpose here is to act like dicks, have an opinion, breathe.

It’s all fun and games until a 23 year old hipster vegan animal rights activist is offended by your Xanga.  It’s also all fun and games until a middle aged Pakistani man sends you a friend request here and he’s fully nude.

For inane drivel, we have Facebook.  For witty, inane drivel, we have Twitter.  For insane, inane drama, we have Xanga.  Long live Xanga!

What if a Xangan ran for president and totally forgot about posts they made on Xanga?  Then the person they’re running against finds it and uses the posts about how they think Paris Hilton is a complete whore and their ardent support of cats against them.  Just image the lawsuits.

People who say Xanga is dead have a dead soul.

I like to image that when you read this that you laugh like an America’s Funniest Home Videos audience.