So this weekend I got to see an advanced screening of The Great Gatsby.  It was better than I expected.  I was also inspired to make a playlist of songs that I thought should've been in the movie.

1.  Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO
2.  Whoomp! There It Is by Tag Team
3.  Whoop that Trick by D-Jay
4.  Dancing Queen by ABBA
5.  Take the Skinheads Bowling by Camper Van Beethoven
6.  Mas by Kinky
7.  Tequila Sunrise by Cypress Hill
8.  Love is All Around by Sonny Curtis
9.  Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley and the Comets
10. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

I should probably say that this playlist ruins a classic, is disrespectful to F. Scott Fitzgerald, and doesn't fit.  But that would be a lie.

There's something ironic here but I don't want to put my finger on it because I don't want to touch a croc or a Croc.

The Packers offensive line is definitely going to screw up the weekends of many teams this season.

Whoever said that the print industry is dying never saw this photo.  This should win the Pulitzer.

Such wholesome images

It all makes sense now.  I might have to crack my bottle open and pray to the deer god.

I hope Paul McCartney had a happy birthday.

I probably should've put more thought into this post.

It makes more sense that Hal from Malcolm in the Middle is a meth cook.  How else could you explain how messed up that family was?

I often talk about Starbucks and Olive Garden raping a culture.  Now it's the hipsters.

I wonder if that's Mrs. Trebek.

And that thought is how you survive on Xanga but you never say it.  Maybe just insinuate it.

Oh and I fucking lied, I didn't see The Great Gatsby.

And that is to post pics on #caturday even if it isn't #caturday.  I also plan on posting more cats with Charlie Sheen quotes.

Why was Charlie Sheen never locked up?

Have a good Father's Day all of you fathers out there.  For the rest of you, have a great weekend.

So I'm starting this as the guy is walking across Niagara Falls.  Round up.

Snooki was recently interviewed about her pregnancy.  She said she plans on naming her baby boy Lorenzo and calling him Enzo for short and that's fitting since Snooki and the baby's father are very short.  She said she also gave up drinking wine because she didn't want her baby to come out with three legs...is that a dig that he'll have a small penis?  Then the interviewer asked her if she planned on breastfeeding her child.  Snooki said this: "I'm just scared. My friend did and she said it was so painful…but I definitely want to pump because it's the best nutrients for the baby. It's kind of like you're a cow and you're just milking."  I've milked cows and I bet it's not as traumatizing as milking Snooki's udders.  It's not like the baby could ever breastfeed anyway since her body is so filled with vodka that all the milk she'd produce would make White Russians.

Even though she was in a skit on Funny or Die parodying the book 50 Shades of Grey, Selena Gomez isn't open to bondage.  She claims she started reading the book because of the skit and she thought it started off spicy but she couldn't make it through.  In her defense, 50 Shades of Grey is a big leap from the Goosebumps series.  I'm sort of happy for Justin Bieber's sake that she didn't finish the book.  Something tells me he'd end up wearing a ball gag in their relationship and on more than one occasion he'd say, "But Master Gomez, I know you like putting the bottle of maple syrup in my ass but why did you have to buy it at Sam's Club?"

And this is a tweet about Selena's boyfriend, Justin Bieber.  This is why I'm afraid for the future.

Rivers Cuomo turned 42 this week.  Thank god for his geek rock.

Ray Bradbury passed away last week at the age of 91.  He was a master of science fiction and perhaps his most famous novel and what may be one of the best sci-fi novels ever written is Fahrenheit 451.  I remember reading that book in my sophomore English class and it really was quite the experience.  Bradbury will be greatly missed.

I know I put out a pulse about this because I was saddened by his passing.  Henry Hill passed away this week at the age of 69.  The movie "Goodfellas" is based on his life.  He lived such as fascinating life.  He got involved with the mob at a young age and then was involved with the Lucchese family in the 1970s.  His most memorable crime was the theft of $5million from the Lufthansa hanger at JFK Airport in New York.  He was arrested in 1980 and turned state's witness and then he was put in witness protection but was expelled in the early 90s for drug activity.  He then went into hiding but it was some of the worst hiding possible because he did many public appearances including speaking at schools about his life in the mob and marketing his own spaghetti sauce and chain of restaurants.  While I'm convinced that Hill will be missed by a lot of people I am sure there are many out there that are celebrating his death.

If you thought Paris Hilton has been on vacation for the past few years, well you're dead wrong because Paris has said she's been going around the world to research different kinds of music for her new album.  She says it will be dance music and electropop.  I get it, Paris, you're trying to get us to love you but it won't happen...EVER.  The reason we don't like you isn't because of your lack of talent but it's because you flaunt it as if it's cool to be a hacky, self-promoting, no-talent ass clown.  Everything you do or touch turns to crap yet you keep on going and going much like the Energizer Bunny if it had a saggy eye, herpes, sex tape, and no gag reflex.  Even that sex tape you owe this thing you call a career to was boring.  Even She Who Must Not Be Named With the Big Ass had a more enjoyable tape.  Paris, you should go away.  You had you chance at fame and you blew it in more ways than one.  Now let the next generation of trust fund babies have a turn at humiliating themselves and their families.


You probably aren't reading this because your eyes have shut themselves at the sight of Octomom.  Well still shots have been circulating promoting her self-love porn movie.  The movie will be called Octomom: Home Alone and will be released sometime next week.  There's something sad about a woman double clicking her mouse on camera so she can put a roof over the heads of her 14 kids.  I hope this gets her financial relief.


Bryan Singer, who directed The Usual Suspects, and Bryan Fuller, who created Pushing Daisies, are working together on a reboot of The Munsters for NBC.  The project is titled Mockingbird Lane.  Eddie Izzard will be playing Grandpa Munster, Mason Cook will be Eddie, Charity Wakefield will be Marilyn, Jerry O'Connell is Herman, and Portia De Rossi will be Lily.  Someone got their hands on a copy of the script for the pilot episode and they claim this show will be nothing like the original.  It is no an hour long drama instead of a half hour campy comedy.  Bryan Fuller described it as Real Housewives of Transylvania and American Horror Story for the family.  This sounds weird to me but I suppose I could get into it.

Everyone's favorite whiny uncle, Morrissey, announced this week that he plans on retiring from music in two years.  He has been in the music industry for 30+ years and he's going to retire at the age of 55.  And of course Morrissey couldn't make an announcement without getting political: "I am slightly shocked to have gone as far as I have. This is my 30th year, and I've aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone. The body changes shape and there's nothing you can do about it. Do I continue as a modern day Andy Williams? I take one hour at a time. We will all probably be blown up by the Syrian government soon, anyway, so it hardly matters in the great scheme of things."  What, does he think that the scent of BenGay doesn't belong at a concert?  Iggy Pop performed at Henry the 8th's crowning and he's still going strong so what is Morrissey complaining about?  Steven Tyler performed at the grand opening of the pyramids in Egypt.  This isn't how Morrissey should quit.  I was expecting him to quit because someone was drinking non-vegan beer at one of his concerts.   OK, he can retire just as long as he keeps say bitchy things.

Miley Cyrus put out this photo on Twitter.  You know, I'd be staring at boobs too.  I'd also be giving them that same look that says, "You best stay in your place and not try to escape."  Also it's time to get out the fancy shopping carts at the Piggly Wiggly to stock up on Doritos, Mountain Dew, and Twinkies and also make sure that the possums are fattened because we're gonna have us a wedding.  Miley is now engaged to Liam Hemsworth.  I' surprised that Liam being an up and coming movie star is going to settle down with a 19 year old hillbilly.  I don't think he knows that's he going to have an awkward encounter with Billy Ray in a dark corner of the barn when Billy Ray gives him a brand of the Cyrus family crest which happens to be the mudflap girl breastfeeding a possum while sitting on top of a Mountain Dew NASCAR.  I seem to think this is a fake story because I was in Big Lots and Walmart and Dollar Tree and didn't see their wedding registry.

German model Micaela Schäfer had a photo shoot declaring her love for Germany's soccer team and to show her support for the team as they play in the Euro Cup.  Well I guess I'm now pulling for Germany.

This week Mark-Paul Gosslar destroyed my childhood.  Now that he's on some critically acclaimed (no critics have acclaimed it) and Emmy award winning (it hasn't won any Emmys) show called Franklin & Bash he feels that he can go around shitting all over Saved by the Bell.  I have not seen Franklin & Bash and the only think I think it's been good for is giving me a masturbation euphemism "Bash my Franklin".  He said this: "It’s not a great show. The writing is kind of hokey… it’s very much a piece of that time. It taught me to have a strong work ethic, and to take it very seriously. Even though we had fun, the one thing the producers instilled in us is that this is a business. You can still have all your fun, but you have to do your job, and then you can reap all the benefits at the end."  Saved by the Bell had it all...oil discovered on a football field, jheri curl mullets, graffiti surfer pants, overexcited people addicted to caffeine pills, The Sprain, a funeral for a chameleon, Malibu Sands, silk shirts, and Kelly Kapowski.  What more could you want from a TV series?  All I have to say to Zach Morris is, "Shut it, preppy!"


These are some photos of Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor.  I don't see Elizabeth Taylor at all.  I see Joan Crawford coming from beyond the grave to beat Lifetime Network with a wire hanger.  I guess the Liz & Dick costume designer doesn't feel that way because this is what he said when he first saw Lindsay as Elizabeth: "There was an audible gasp. You’d swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor."  I'm sure that audible gasp was the same sort of audible gasp I made when I rolled my car off a 30ft cliff.  Lindsay was rushed to a hospital on Friday after she was found unconscious in her room but TMZ is reporting that Lindsay had been shooting for two straight days without sleep and a friend could not wake her up so they called 911 and paramedics responded but found nothing wrong with Lindsay and she said she was just suffering from exhaustion.  It's amazing when people with strenuous jobs such as truck drivers, teachers, factory workers, police officers, and firefighters don't suffer from this mystery condition called exhaustion that seems to afflict actors and actresses with drug problems.  I guess it shows us that reading lines and having people cater to your every whim is a lot harder than we thought.  Actors and actresses are the real backbone of our society, people.

Porn star James Deen is set to star in a movie with future porn star Lindsay Lohan.  The movie is called The Canyons, a movie written by Bret Easton Ellis, the guy who gave us Less than Zero and American Psycho.  The movie is described by Ellis as: "The Canyons documents five twenty-something's quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood."  Well I'm sure Lindsay has all of that down but the twenty-something...I don't know.  I'm sure she'll love to hop on James Deen and his 9 inch appendage.  So the star of Herbie Fully Loaded will be in a movie with the star of Big Wet Asses 20.  Hopefully this hits Cinemax After Dark better known as Skinemax because pay per view is too expensive.  Nothing makes me happier than former child stars having to resort to porn to make ends meet.  I hear Lindsay is going to work on a new series with James after The Canyons finishes shooting.  It will be the Anal Delinquents trilogy which has been in development far too long if you ask me.  Yes, Lindsay's dreaming of winning an Oscar but we should try to convince her that an AVN award is just as prestigious but more fun to earn. 

I was about ready to admit Vanessa Bryant into the gold digging hall of fame because she was set to get 3 mansions and $150million in a divorce settlement with Kobe Bryant but I will have to revoke her membership because TMZ is reporting that friends of the couple say they are trying to save their marriage.  They have until Monday to sign the papers and if they don't then they have to re-file for divorce.  How can they repair a marriage?  Their marriage died because Kobe stuck his dick in anything with a pulse.  I guess the best way to get the marriage fixed is to neuter Kobe and his finances would be neutered.  Hopefully he's wearing a cup around her.  Kobe was trying to break Wilt Chamberlain's records and not his NBA scoring record but his scoring record with women.  Vanessa has it all figured out because Kobe's still earning a lot of money.  Why settle for $150million when in a few years she could have $200 to $250million. 

Kendra Wilkinson turned 27 this week.  I'm actually surprised she's made it this long not because of her sexual exploits but because she's dumber than a box of rocks.  Kendra also took time this week to announce that she was retiring from Playboy and nudity.  My first thought when I heard that was, "How is she going to shower?"  She said there is more to being nude and won't do such things on her new reality show Kendra on Top.  I don't think she thought this through.  She's going to try to promote this show on her talent and personality and not her tits or ass.  I seem to remember it written in the good book: "Thou shalt not cover thine boobies and nalgas once thou hast borne thine labia upon the sheets of ye old Playboy."  I bet you didn't know I was a scholar and had translated the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Because it's small and finishes faster than Michael Phelps, Katy Perry hates my penis and is now covering her chest while in public.  OK so maybe that's not "covered" but it is by her standards which usually have 85% of the breast exposed.  Here we Katy dressed as a music artist from the 1920s who was created by a record label and is overexposed and can't sing.  Hmmm not much has changed.

Johnny Depp turned 49 this week.  Have you ever noticed that in the past decade all his roles are the same?  I mean every single role is pretty much the same except for the accent he uses to present dialogue.  It's really creepy.

A few weeks ago I wrote about Joey Lawrence signing a contract to be a part of a Chippendale's show.  From Blossom to stripping for Chippendale's.  I wonder how Blossom and Six feel about this.  I also wonder how many women screamed "WHOA!" when he was dancing.

Now that Jenny McCarthy is done running her mouth about vaccines and causing the deaths of many children,  Jenny McCarthy has decided to pose for Playboy once again.  July will hereby be known as "How Jenny McCarthy Got Famous Month" because she will bare all for the July issue.  She was on the Today show and they asked if she planned on showing off everything and Jenny responded, "What's everything?  I mean I grew out a bush so nobody sees anything."  If only she could grow a bush over her mouth. 

Drew Barrymore got married last weekend to a man named Will Kopelman, the son of a former CEO of Chanel.  Drew has been married twice before and has been engaged two other times all of which lasted a total of 1 year COMBINED.  She's over thirty and pregnant, and this guy has buckets of his father's money.  I assume she'll make this one last.  Oh wait, congrats to the happy couple. 

In case you were wondering if Don Rickles was still alive and telling racist jokes you can now rest easily because the answer is "YES".  The 86 year old Rickles obviously still thinks it's 1950 because this week he was at a the American Film Institute's tribute to Shirley McClaine.  Rickles went into his routine and said this: "I shouldn’t make fun of the blacks, President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke."  What kind of mop does Rickles have?  What sort of mop breaks?  He needs to get one of those Swiffer Wet Jets.  I figure in 60 years people will be saying "How dare he" when they read this blog.

Diablo Cody turned 34 this week.  Most of you probably know her as the writer behind movies such as Juno, The United States of Tara, and Jennifer's Body.  I remember her best from her days stripping and working in peep shows at Sex World in Minneapolis.

This is a first shot from the new season of Dexter that will be hitting the airwaves in a couple months.  It takes up where the previous season left off.  I think it's going to be a pretty good season and we may get some of the storylines from the book series now.  I hope that gun Debra's holding shoots confetti or a white flag that says "BANG!"

TNT launched a reboot of the TV series Dallas this week and all I can say is FUCK YEAH!  It was really good.

Coco was spotted riding a bike this week and shortly after this photo was snapped the 8th wonder of the world, her ass, swallowed that bike seat whole.  Rest in peace, bike seat.  You're in a much better place now.

Tommy Chong says he has been diagnosed with prostate cancer and he says he plans on fighting it with hemp oil and marijuana so he will fight all the harder for legalization of marijuana.  He also claims that his three year stint in jail made him drug free and that is what progressed the cancer.  He claims that if he kept on smoking weed, he wouldn't have gotten cancer.  I'm no Dr. Quinn medicine woman but I'm pretty sure that treating cancer with just marijuana can't be good.  I wish him the best.

In an ironic turn of events, Chris Brown was blindsided by a woman and not the other way around and not with fists.

Every time I see her I hear this song playing:

We all know Britney Spears suffers from a laundry list of mental health disorders such as bulimia, chronic halitosis, histrionic personality disorder, ADD, and breaking into spontaneous British accents.  Well Britney is giving the producers of The X-Factors fits because of her ADD.  Her medicine is apparently not working and she has about a ten second attention span.  Well they should get a feather on a string or a ball of tinfoil so bat around.  It worked for my cats, my grandmas, my blue car, Laverne and Shirley and whenever Carmine comes on screen and he says the Big Ragoo is here I think he's say the Big Gay Jew is here.  Where was I?  She is the trailer park queen.

Wow, Ben Stiller sure has let himself go.  Yes, that's Ben Stiller but that's prostheses and make-up on the set of a movie adaptation of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  That was supposed to be made years ago with Jim Carey in the titular role but now it's Stiller.  I hope it's good.  Apparently when they got him in for make-up they did computer testing to figure out what he'd look like when he was old and that is it.  He must take after his mother because he doesn't look like his dad Jerry.

Angelina Jolie has been approached to direct the big screen version of 50 Shades of Grey.  I think this is just a rumor but it seems plausible.  The Angelina of 10 years ago would've proudly directed that mess of a mom creamer book.  She was a proud freak who let everyone know she kept a ball gag in her back pocket.  I don't think that movie could happen.  From what I've read it's pure crap.  It's like 9 1/2 Weeks for the Twilight set.  If anyone should direct it it's Shannon Tweed and that mess will have to air on Skinemax.

Back in January, star of 16 and Pregnant, Amber Portwood was sentenced to 5 years in prison or the judge would allow her to avoid jail time if she completed a drug rehab program.  Well Amber has given up on herself and has begged to be sent to jail.  She has struggled to meet the requirements of the program and said she couldn't stay clean because she's a "bad girl".  Amber's lawyer was in shock as she asked to be sent to prison.  She is a complete fuck up in every possible way.  At least she's more aware than Lindsay Lohan and admits she has a problem.  I guess it's good to give teenagers all that money for getting knocked up.  Maybe once she's out of prison she can get on a new Dr. Drew show called Probation House. 

Amanda Bynes was charged with DUI this week and she took to Twitter to dispute it to the highest office in the land.  Ha!  Good luck with that.  He didn't do anything for the democrats in Wisconsin so what makes you think he's going to get you out of a DUI?  Either this is all a conspiracy to paint her as a raging alcoholic who will bring death and destruction to anyone in her path when she's beyond the wheel of a car or she's just a drunk bitch.  I don't know which it could be.  If she's joking she better start her career in comedy writing because she's going to need the money to cover all her legal expenses.  I hope Obama replied, "Hey @AmandaBynes fuck off!" 

And he made it.  It didn't take as long as what I thought it would and I also had a few "breaks".  Have a great weekend. 

I put the “semen” in “amusement”.

So I was checking out my old Myspace this morning and it was funny to see how I could log in through Facebook and there were ads for products that said “Like us on Facebook”. At least Myspace knows when they’re through and have embraced the enemy.

A local newspaper hired me to write an expose on the materials used at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It’s a total fluff piece.

I can’t think of anything worse than name-dropping.  Jay-Z, Kanye West, Donald Trump, and Bono told me they hate it as well.

I have a feeling that the reason Scott Walker won in Wisconsin is because senior citizens were confused and thought they were voting to keep Walker Texas Ranger on TV.

I am so confused by women. They are like a Rubik’s Cube strapped on to a crossword puzzle mixed with Sudoku with a dash of quantum physics all while embodied by a terrorist screaming at you in Esperanto.

Sometimes I’ll make a post, notice a typo, delete everything, and then rewrite it, and then notice another tpyo, delete everything and then rewrite it and then unplug my computer, and enter Witness Protection because I fear the grammar Nazis will get me.  And then sometimes I don’t bohter proorfeadnig. 

Sometimes I wish it was really possible to eat nothing but Taco Bell without dying of malnutrition and dehydration because of the explosive diarrhea.

I am going to come out and say it…I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses.  You can’t blame me because I’m of Italian descent so I hate witnesses of any variety.

Hamburger Helper is powerless when the hamburger doesn’t want to be helped.  Then you may have to stage an intervention.

I hate when people say “fuck the police”.  You should really take the police out on a few dates, get to know them, and then make sweet, passionate love to them but only if they consent.  And then you stop calling them and you make them cry and suffer like that bitch who tore out my heart and stomped on it with her heels. Oh she was busy.  Every single time I called how can someone be that busy. I mean seriously how can you be busy at 4AM?  I was looking in her windows and she didn’t look busy to me.

Whenever you feel lonely, just remember there are people out there that refer to Lady Gaga as mom.

Rap was so much better when the rappers were killing each other.  When is that pussy Drake going to sing about killing Bruno Mars or Pitbull?

Girls just wanna have fun and if by “fun” you mean “have my babies” then yes.

I heard a girl say how much she loved classic rock and how Mick Jagger was her favorite member of Aerosmith.  Stick to the One Direction, sweetheart.

I love when people release doves at weddings because nothing says true love like an animal escaping for their life.

My neighbor’s dog is showing me its red lipstick and its green eye shadow.  I get it, you’re a drag queen.  I’m not judging you.  It’s fine.

Have you ever watched Law and Order: SVU and touched your genitals and figured that put you on the FBI’s most wanted list?

If there were no bad parents there probably wouldn’t be any porn.

Not to brag but I think I’m the sexiest person at the Chinese buffet.  But then I don’t play hard to get because I’m too busy playing hard to want.

If you love someone just tell them or you could get drunk and text them like 75 times.  Both are pretty much the same.

I fart so much in my car that no one wants to ride with me which allows for me to be the passenger in their car and lets me concentrate on not farting.

Sometimes I sit back and shake my head in disbelief at how humble I am.

Gatorade’s new slogan is “Is it in you?”  Ironically that was my motto when I had sex.

The thing I miss most about summer break is my paste eating breaks.  It’s hard to go cold turkey.

If I had to stay on a deserted island with one person it would be Stephen Hawking.  It’s not that he could design a wormhole to get us out of there into another world it’s because I’d be able to eat all the food I’d want and he wouldn’t be able to do anything when I stole his coconuts.

Is it me or does the drum on all Adele songs sound like a Doritos bag being crumpled?

Pick-up line destined to fail: “I’ve never had a real orgasm.  Care to help?”

When I leave the house with my fly down it’s not an accident, it’s an invitation.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

One time when I was in high school my dad asked me to pick up some breakfast burritos from McDonald’s on my way home from work.  I forgot and when he asked where the breakfast burritos were the next morning I quick got a few tortillas and threw some cheerios and cheese on them and he didn’t know the difference.

If God didn’t want us to drink beer then why did he make our hands perfectly fit a beer can. Checkmate teetotalers.

I was at a bar and the guy next to me complained that his drink was too strong.  I grabbed it,downed it, and handed him back the empty glass with the ice and said, “Fixed it, pussy.”

Everyone says that the key to get a woman to like you is by making them laugh.  It hasn’t worked for me so if anyone asks me how to get a woman to like them I’d say that they should buy them sparkly, expensive shit.

When people say, “living the dream,” I always get creeped out because most of my dreams involve me playing hacky sack with Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the wolfman, Mitt Romney, and Dane Cook at a Phish concert.  I don’t want to live that at all.

Ladies, if a guy sends you a text message that contains consonants and vowels, it means he wants to have sex.

Guns don’t kill people. Wounds from bullets that are shot from guns kill people.  Also obesity, heart attacks, cancer, AIDS,face eating zombies, and people kill people.

I was worried and thought my house was haunted.  Turns out one of my neighbors was playing his new theremin.

I think people follow me on Xanga because they think I live an exciting life and then they follow me on Facebook and learning I’m boring.

I went on a date with a girl who got offended when she saw that I had unused condoms in my wallet. Good thing she didn’t see the used ones.

I got my girlfriend lasik surgery for her birthday.  I guess I should correct that to “ex-girlfriend”.

Rec this post if you enjoy orgasms.  If you don’t rec it that says a lot about you.

A spider got into my shoe and because of that I made it to the finals of So You Think You Can Dance.

If I’m ever referred to as the Clint Howard of Xanga then I’m done.

I think Xanga is a gloryhole for the mind.

Before Xanga, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “Can vampires get HIV since it’s a blood borne disease?”  Now I post them in these posts.

How do people who are offended by 90% of everything posted on Xanga survive?  I can’t imagine those people functioning in the real world. “Bird, your singing is too loud and you’re pitchy.  I’m going to block you!”  “Grass, you’re too green and not soft enough.  I’m unsubbing!”

Xanga is the reason the internet can’t have nice things.

I blame Xanga for destroying my ability to distinguish between sad personal tales of woe and jokes.

No matter what you post on Xanga, there’ll always be someone who will bitch about it so post what you want unless it offends me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be blogging telepathically so if you think of something funny that’s just me inside your head.

So let's face it this "vigilante", as the Gotham PD likes to call him, Batman is a menace. He attacks and unlawfully subdues people with his own liberal jihadist "morality". Yet the corrupt heads of Gotham PD like commissioner Gordon let's him get away with it. Then he spends the tax payer's dollars on a "Bat Signal" to call this menace.Welcome to Obama's America,caped gestapo's holding Gotham hostage.
Speaking of Obama's America let's take another look at the unwarranted attacks on Wayne Industries and it's beneficent owner :Bruce Wayne. Wayne has been especially hurt by Obama's socialist politics. This man who has lost his parents to urban violence, has done nothing but make jobs for the Gotham and how is he rewarded? With unjust taxation.
Let's go to the phones: Clark from Metropolis you're on with Rush.

In America today we are being overrun with socialist attacks preformed by this self titled"Justice League". They have attacked the government funded Cadmus Project. Why don't we call this what it is: Terrorism. In the years before Obama's election we would have dealt with these "Super Heroes" the way we would deal with any foreign invader: military action. Yet Obama continues to bend to these terrorists.  What we need in America is someone who can stand up to Superman and his cronies. And if you ask me America, there can be only one choice for this: Lex Luthor. This man has done more positive work in America in the past two years than all the years Obama has been in office. I would go so far as to say that he is what has kept us afloat in the rough waters of the recession.
Coming up next: What authority does this "Green Lantern Corp" have to police our skies and our homes? We break it down and put it in perspective.

The right is still on the attack when it comes to the existence of this supposed: Legion of Doom. They just can't except that at the end of the day we need the Justice League to protect us from groups outside the Untied States control. Claiming that the Legion doesn't exist is denial to the extreme.  Next on Hard Ball: Did house speaker Jon Boehner call the Martian Manhunter anew racial slur?

So South Carolina just passed a bill making it illegal for human beings to fly by any means, this is a response to Wonder Woman saving that bus full of children.  But wait, no flying by any means?  There's something about that, which just doesn't sound Wright.

Which is why Animal Man gets a wag of my finger.  It's bad enough that he wears orange, the color of filthy protestants. But VEGAN as well?  The next thing you will tell me is that he has the power to channel the ability of bears.  And as we all know the only good "bear" is the one in the 2ndamendment.


The Bush administration drug us into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan simply for oil and don't let yourselves be bamboozled by their deception.  The have hindered the exploration of alternate energy sources.  We could be traveling with the chemicals that gave the Flash his super speed.  But no!  Big Oil has a rasp on us!  We could be driving our cars as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog and they'd simply be powered by gold rings.  Of course the world's worst person, Glenn Beck, would have something to say about the sky-rocketing price of gold.  The conservatives have made an obviated terror warning chart.  What does yellow even mean?  They have subsequently undermined the Green Lantern from protecting our shores.  The shores they want to have oil wash up on after they drill for oil because they are in the pockets of the oil companies.


All right. So Republicans are outraged, outraged, about a brand new cause nobody even knew was a cause. They say we must protect the incandescent light bulb—how dare we try to save billions of dollars in energy cost?  This has effectivally put Green Lantern out of a job.  I thought the Republicans were all about job creation and now they are putting this noble man out of a job?  How dare they!  Next on the Maddow Show we discuss which members of the Watchmen had cocktails with the Obamas and what they drank.

I've been meaning to post these for some time.  I found them a while back but can't remember where.  It was at the height of the Charlie Sheen insanity and they are cats quoting Charlie Sheen.  I have at least one more installment of these plus another special post of cats and Charlie Sheen for #caturday.

God, that guy is crazy

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

So I've decided to do one of those truth and lie things that are all the rage right now.  20 are true and 5 are false.  I went above and beyond so get to guessing.

1.  I attended two high schools because my first high school closed and became a prison. (True: I went to a private Lutheran high school that had its own dorm facilities and the church was strapped on cash so they sold it to the state of Wisconsin and within a few months it was converted into a prison.  They really didn't have to do much work other than put up a fence around the campus and put bars on windows.)

2.  I took 8 years of piano lessons including one year in high school and during a practice period the checker lady hit me with a cane because I wasn't practicing even though I had a cast on my hand making it impossible to play piano.  (True:  I started playing when I was in 5th grade and took a brief hiatus after my first year of high school only to start again once I was in college.  I broke my hand playing baseball that first year of high school and the checker came in and pointed her can at me and lost balance and she hit me.)

3.  I started on a football team that won the state championship my school's division.  (False: I started but we didn't win.  We lost the championship game 55-14 to a school who were known as the Ledgers.  I thought they were fighting accountants but it turned out the school was located on the ledge of a hill.  I was carted off the field because of a knee injury, a knee injury that I am currently dealing with all these years later.)

4.  I am related to an American man who was arrested in Germany for promoting Nazi ideology and I'm also related to a person who was tried at Nuremberg for his role in a Nazi death camp.  (True: I remember visiting my family in Nebraska and going into their son's room and it was decked out with Nazi stuff and then a few years later he was stirring up shit in Denmark and Germany and was arrested for promoting Nazi ideology as well as displaying swastikas.  He currently operates a pro-Nazi blog.  As for the other, yeah, I found that out within the past year.  It's sort of weird knowing you have family that were on both sides of the fence.)

5.  I do not own any DVDs.  (False:  I think I've discussed this previously but I own something like 1300 dvds)

6.  I coached high school football and one time after a Saturday morning game I drove from central Minnesota to Milwaukee, WI to see a Radiohead concert.  I drove 6 hours down there and 6 hours back after the concert because I had to be back in Minnesota the next day because it was the day I was ordained as a minister.  (True: I love football and I love Radiohead and I loved the ministry so it was so difficult to pick which ones I should or shouldn't do so I just did them all.  I was so tired and I think slept about 16 hours after that ordination.)

7.  Oh yeah, I was once an ordained minister.  (True:  hard to believe, right?)

8.  As a way to make money last summer, I auditioned for a role in a porno and I was cast as Newman in the Seinfeld porn parody.  I was later fired because the producers found out that I was serving a lifetime ban from the adult movie industry because my penis is too big.  (False: what gave it away, having the large penis?)

9.  I quite smoking cold turkey and it will be 5 years this July. (True: I don't know if I was a heavy smoker.  I'd usually smoke three cigars a day as well as about 4 or 5 cigarettes specifically the filterless Lucky Strikes.  On July 3rd, 2007 I had a cigar that I had bought off an auction site and it was supposedly a brand of cigars manufactured for the Marines in Afghanistan.  It smoked about a quarter of it and it was the worst cigar I had ever smoked and it made me sick.  I didn't smoke the next day because I was still feeling ill and the same for the day after.  By the third day I had no more cravings and now whenever I have a craving for a smoke I think of that cigar and the craving goes away.)

10.  I once saw Weezer play in Iowa and after the show some friends and I were hanging out backstage and some of the members of Weezer invited us to come into their rooms and we played ping pong and fusball. (True: it was quite awesome except Rivers Cuomo never came out and he was the one I wanted to see.)

11.  I once met a professional wrestler named Sean Waltman.  I hung out with him one night and then he came back to my tourist town the next year and he remembered me when I bumped into him at the water park where I was working.  After talking with him about stuff and planning on going to a couple of bars later, I left and then a wrestling fan approached him and demanded autographs and for him to do some of his trademark hand-signs.  Sean got angry and punched the guy.  I didn't see it happen so I didn't have to testify. (True: I first met him because a friend of mine who worked at a drive-in movie theater in Wisconsin Dells sold him tickets.  She called me and I sprinted up there on a break and I chatted him up while he was buying concessions.  He asked me where some fun places were to drink and hang out so I told him places where I would hang out {I wasn't 21 at the time} and he said my friend and I should come with.  We partied and people didn't bother asking for an ID because this guy was a pretty popular pro-wrestler.  Then the year later he got in trouble but it was so awesome that he remembered me.)

12.  During college I was one of the founding members of a BB Gun and Fireworks Club.  (True: one guy had a BB gun and it was winter so we didn't want to go outside to shoot it so we set up empty bottles and cans in the basement of the frat house and had our own firing range.  Then I went out and bought a few other guns and that was that and then we got drunk and started lighting fireworks.  The worst was when we "spilled" 151 rum on the floor and then I decided to shoot a bottlerocket at it and then I decided to take a bunch of bottlerockets and light them off together but I put them in a giant chain store coffee mug filled with water and the force of all the bottlerockets made the mug explode.)

13.  I have coached football, volleyball, cross-country, track, softball, basketball, baseball, and weight-lifting.  (True: I coached all of those, most of them at the grade school level.)

14.  I have taught sex ed.  (True: When I was an ordained minister, I taught religion class at a Lutheran high school and part of the sophomore curriculum was sex ed.  It was rather interesting mostly because every class had interesting questions like "Mr. Awesome, are blowjobs and handjobs sex?"  "Mr. Awesome, is S&M sinful?"  "Mr. Awesome, did Jesus get boners?")

15.  I shared a goal with a former fiance of making love in every town named "Watertown" in America.  We only made it to three.  (True: There are many Watertowns in this country so it was a goal.  Sadly we didn't meet it because of stuff that I don't want to visit at this time.)

16.  I voted for George Bush. (True: 2000 was my first presidential election and I was so ill-informed.  I didn't want another 4 years of Clinton and I fell into that trap of thinking Bush would be a great guy to have a beer with even though he didn't drink but then I didn't know that and think that was suppressed until after the election.)

17.  I once had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre.  (True:  Favre bought property from a doctor that worked at the hospital where my mom works and he used the property for hunting.  One summer, before the training camps began, Favre was in the area and he came in to the local gas station/convenience store after setting up deer stands.  I was on my way to work and there he was.  I was buying coffee and donuts for my breakfast and commute and the cashier said not to worry about paying because Favre paid for it so I went over to where he was sitting and thanked him and we talked about the area and how I was large and should be playing line for him.  It was quite awesome.)

18.  I started my Xanga all those years ago to impress a girl. (True:  It was under the guise of keeping in contact with all my friends and this was before Facebook took off or was made available to non-college people.  Well this one could also be "false" because it was two girls I tried to impress.  Neither are here any more and both are married to someone who isn't me.  It didn't work.)

19. At one time I was the head writer of a comedy show on MTV2 but the show was canceled because of the writers' strike.  (False:  While living in Minneapolis, I met up with a few writers and they were impressed by some of my material and I was ready to sell off my scripts and ideas but the show was canceled.  Then one of those guys encouraged me to keep up writing and I worked out some stuff for a couple of other shows and as I was about to sell, word came down that the shows were canceled.  I guess the moral of the story is if you want your show to stay on the air don't let anyone contact me for writing.)

20.  I have a fear of birds.  (True: I hate birds.  That is all.  I hate them.  I think my fear stems from a family vacation to Sault St. Marie and a seagull divebombed me and crapped all over me.  Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they'd let those winged rats fly all over the house and they'd swoop at me and it made my visits so tense.  I also hate when birds fly straight at your windshield when you're driving and then you duck because you don't want to get hit by a bird and then they veer off at the last second.  There was one time a bird didn't veer off and get stuck in the grill off my Blazer and was stuck in there for about an hour before I got home to MN.) 

21.  I have shot and killed a deer and then I ate its fresh heart.  (True: The deer and I became one and I possess its spirit)

22.  I had chicken pox three times as a child.  (True: I had them while in Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade.  From what I hear this is fairly unusual.  It has also left me having sensitive skin.  I'm allergic to certain soaps and metals.  The slightest contact makes me break out.)

23.  At one time I had 8 piercings.  (True: I had 5 in my ear, my eyebrow, my navel, and my who-who-dilly and because of my skin sensitivities I could only wear sterling silver jewelery.)

24.  During college I was in choir for 7 semesters  (True: For some of you that might be hard to believe.  I never really sang in high school.  I was in the freshmen chorus at my first high school because it was mandatory and then my second high school made every sophomore who wasn't in choir sing in a chorus and I did that and that was it for high school.  Then my college demanded choir credits.  I had to audition and I was pretty lame but the choir director said he'd put me at bass and pair me with stronger singers.  It worked and I was in there all those semesters.  I sang in the male choir.  It was a choir that consisted of 100+ guys singing four part harmony.)

These are just a few selections and a couple of those are mass choirs featuring all the choirs at my college.

25.  I have never had a car accident or a speeding ticket.  (False: I've had 5 car accidents and 4 of those involved deer including the one time where I drove my car off a 30ft cliff.  I have never had a speeding ticket but I have been pulled over twice for speeding.  Once was at a gas station.  I was getting out to get some late night snacks after I had finished studying and this asshole sped up as I was trying to pass him on the main drag in town.  Well I floored it and passed and then went into the parking lot.  The cop saw me and called me stupid even though I was in college.  He yelled that I needed to slow down.  The other was after my identity had been stolen and I was celebrating getting access back to my bank accounts.  I bought some cigars on my debit card and I was having such a great time that I didn't realize I was doing 45 in a 25.  The cop pulled me over and told me what was going on and I explained to him why I was speeding and he then recognized me as a big contributor to the police department.  I basically paid for the next three years worth of DARE materials as well as some other stuff the department needed.  My uncle always told me to be on the cops' good side and he was a man who worked for Al Capone so I figured he knew what he was talking about.)

Now, here's some other stuff to make you laugh while you're thinking of what is truthful and what is falseful.

I get them every time I eat at a fancy dining establishment.

OY

Best.  Photobomb.  Ever!

I hate being watched when I shower.

I think he flooded it.

In America we have the right to bear arms and we also have the right to exfoliate those arms and keep them moisturized.

The bottled water kabal has been posting this image all over the internet warning us about the dangerous side effects of tap water.

Now that's one cause I can support.

You'd think after 60 years they'd give her some Metamucil.

So which were true and which were lies?
(The answers were 3, 5, 8, 19, 25)  I won't be doing a Celebrity Round Up this week because I am emotionally and physically drained.

I'm drained.  I spent about 3 hours at the hospital today having tests for all my ailments.  Apparently I didn't read side-effects of a supplement I was taking trying to alleviate my knee problems and my blood sugar was way too high.  In retrospect I guess a product with the name Glucosamine might have something to do with glucose.  Anyway, I'll answer the lies and truths thing tomorrow.  I think pretty much everyone got two right.  Links.

1.  I think one of the reasons I dislike Tumblr is so many people talk about being a 90s kid and if you're a 90s kid you'll recognize a bit of nostalgia.  Well here's 25 reasons to hate the 90s.

2.  I always wished I was alive during the space and arms race with the Soviet Union.  My parents always talked about having bomb drills in school.  I was jealous all we had were fire and tornado drills.  Anyway, the space race always fascinated me mostly because Russia was doing crazy shit to try to beat us to the moon.  Here's some of the crazy shit they did.  Obviously the best thing the Russians gave us from the space race was Photoshop.  Oh and I remember watching this show on the Science Channel about a radio operator picking up a cosmonaut screaming about being lost and burning up.  So creepy.

3.  This is old and I meant to share it a long time ago.  It's 15 things white girls do on Facebook. 

4.  So someone thought it would be a good idea to create a Tumblr to sign an online petition against Obamacare and then you can watch your petition print.  Well, like FOX News there are no checks so you can write whatever you want in the signature and here are two of my favorites.


5.  One of the nicest Xangans ever shared this Tumblr site a few days ago.  It's called Rock Charts and it presents rock songs and lyrics in chart form.

6.  This next Tumblr has become one of my guilty pleasures.  I sometimes enjoy reading fanfic because it is some of the sorriest bits of erotica on the internet.  Well this site, WTF Fanfiction, is a collection of some of the worst bits of fanfiction.  You really need to read the Twilight fiction especially this one.

7.  I've shared this before but it's time I share it again.  Everything you need to know, you can learn from They Might Be Giants songs.

8.  Have you ever gotten drunk and had a wicked, nasty hangover and you were hungry but didn't know what to eat?  Well here's a collection of the ten best hangover meals.  Mine?  It was pancakes and a block of cheddar cheese.

9.  I was going to share this on Caturday but since every day is Caturday, here's a collection of classical paintings made better with cats.

10.  And to balance everything out after photos of cats, here's a photo collection of douchebags.

11.  I was recently reading about all the fires that are burning in America and I got thinking of horrible fires around the world.  Here's a collection of 6 fires that changed the world.  The Chicago Fire...Wisconsinites scoff at the inclusion of that fire because at the same time in Wisconsin there was a major fire in the town and surrounding area of Peshtigo.  1500 bodies were recovered whereas in Chicago there were only 125 reported deaths.  A million and a half acres burned in Peshtigo whereas 3 square miles of Chicago were harmed.  OK so maybe I spent time at the Peshtigo Fire Museum.

12.  Here's a fun website where you can test your reading speed.  I don't think it's scientific but I scored 912 words a minute which is 265% higher than the national average.  Now if I could parlay that into finding love then I'd be set.

The perfect photo to describe Xanga drama.

YES!  NOSTALGIA!

#Truth  The Dude knows, man, the Dude knows.

And while we're on the topic of The Dude.  I'd totally buy that.

I think I pissed off more than a few people at the clinic today because I decided to take two pens with me and I ended up doing this in the waiting room with a table and a window.

I have a feeling after posting my reading speed I'm going to be called Professor High Brow. 

BFFs!

Everyone is attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Nom nom nom nom nom...but if you see ghosts you definitely want to go the other way.

I totally rock at DrawSomething

Imagine the outcry at potlucks

This post has been approved by the space pope.  Have a great night.

How long is it before girls start taking duckface driver’s license photos?

Some people suffer from ADD. I have ADD-HD.  Everything is better in high definition.

I think the best example of how kids can be anything when they grow up is how Toby Keith had a hit song about a plastic red cup and another song about beating up people that don’t share your religion.

Sometimes I wish my dad could look down on me from Heaven and tell me he’s proud of me but he can’t because he isn’t dead.

I’ve learned that chasing your dreams isn’t always easy but with hard work and dedication I swear I will become the first Xangan to be the world champion mayonnaise eater.  This is my goal: get good at eating mayonnaise, get confidence, win, and THEN meet a woman.  What woman doesn’t enjoy a man who eats fists full of mayonnaise for sport?

I love going to Kwik Trip and talking with my friend Pablo.  I tell him about my day at work and my cats and my garden and he always says, “I don’t know you, sir.  Please buy something or leave.”  Pablo cracks me up every time.

I have a lot of voices in my head and they’re always tell me to do wicked nasty shit but I tend to listen to the therapist voice because he seems to be the most levelheaded out of all my voices.

I’ve been writing to a Congresswoman in my state and I know she’s not getting the letters because who in their right mind would turn down a chance to go on a romantic pub crawl with yours truly?

If you have a friend that has a fisting fetish, you should probably lend a hand.

Did you know that Bob Marley made music and didn’t just smoke marijuana?  My mind is blown.

I was at a bar and a guy accused me of cock-blocking him because I struck up a conversation with a girl he thought was “his”.  The girl turned out to be a lesbian or at least that’s what she told me so that she could easily avoid any further interest on my behalf.  It got me thinking.  When lesbians are at the bar and try to pick up other girls and another girl interrupts and performs a cock-block do they refer to it as a cock-block? I would think the logical term would be a beaver dam but not the place in Wisconsin.

I swear if someone mentions that supposed zombie attack in Florida once again I’m going to chew their face off and eat their brains.  But I have to admit that this attack has given me plenty of thoughts on how to strike it rich.  I plan on moving to Miami and selling t-shirts that say “Eat Me”.  They say the guy was high on bath salts.  Why not take a bath with bath salts instead of using them to get high?

FOX News aired a piece on one of their programs in regards to that zombie attack and all the other alleged zombie attacks.  The piece was about how to spot fake news reports.  I guess if anyone knew fake news it would be FOX.

I watched the Hatfield and McCoy movie on History Channel and now I have the strong desire to make moonshine, spit to indicate anger, and use the word “tarnations” at random.

I was recently watching the TV show “My Strange Addiction”.  There was a woman on who was addicted to breast implants and she had 38KKK breasts and thought they weren’t big enough.  They looked big enough to me but that’s just my opinion and what do I know.

When you win American Idol you get to meet Ryan Seacrest so essentially you go from being a nobody to a nobody who has met Ryan Seacrest.

They should call nasal congestion “nasal beavers” because it feels like thousands of microscopic beavers crawled up your nose and built a dam.  In other news, allergies suck.

How can girls accomplish anything with their boobs?  If I was a girl I’d stand in the bathroom for hours watching my boobs jiggle as I brushed my teeth.

I think at this point in my life my only hope at achieving fame is by becoming a serial killer and lately I don’t feel opposed to that notion.

The one thing I’m dreading about December 21, 2012 is on that day the Scientologists being proven correct and the aliens descending to earth to proclaim Tom Cruise as ruler of the universe.

Chances are that if you’re a female and have been nice to me then I’ve fallen in love with you.  Sorry about that.

Have you ever had the feeling when watching How I Met Your Mother that Bob Saget is just leading those kids along and will end up telling them that they’re adopted and tell them to get to bed?

I think I’m byesexual. Every time I fall for someone they run away from me screaming “Goodbye!”

I was in a restaurant and the waitress asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told her I wanted coke.  She said, “We don’t have Coke.  Is Pepsi alright?”  I replied, “No, Pepsi is not OK.  I meant “coke” as in cocaine.  Pop is bad for you.”

A recent study reported that if you get a boyfriend or girlfriend’s name tattooed on your body there is a 99.9% chance you will breakup and that tattoo will be branded on your asscheek for the rest of your life.

I found myself watching The Bachelorette this evening and the woman said something along the lines of that all marriage consisted of was walking around, shopping, and entertaining your spouse.  If that’s the case, I don’t want to be married especially not to that vapid idiot.

I’m not saying I’m good at demotivational speaking but guess who talked his personal trainer into eating an entire pizza, dozen hotwings, two orders of chili fries, and 3 pints of beer.

And now you're weekly dose of motivation:




















They always taught us in grade school that a good way to remember the cold months is they are the ones that end with a “burr” sound like Septem-burr, Octo-burr, Novem-burr, and Decem-burr.  The other way they taught us how to tell if it was cold outside is to look out a window before going outside.

I was trying to look up information on the Nigerian plane crash but every time I clicked on a link someone said that if I wanted to view the page I had to give them my bank information.

I watched War Horse recently.  If only England and France had an entire army of horses then World War I wouldn’t have lasted so long.

I always sing along with the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” but I feel like a liar because sadly no one has ever called me a Space Cowboy or the Gangster of Love.

The best way to find out if someone is Christian is to sneeze in front of them.

I once broke up with a girl because she sounded like a turn signal after we ate at Taco Bell.

Why does hamburger need a helper?  I’ve always thought hamburger did fine on its own.  What about oatmeal getting some help?  How about hummus?

What sort of contest would award Pabst a blue ribbon?

I don’t want a girl with great legs or pretty eyes.  I have legs and eyes.  Give me a girl with money.

The best part of being revolting to women is that I never have to worry about having children but it does get lonely on Father’s Day.  Thank god for Xanga and strip clubs.

Sometimes when you’re married you have to do things that you don’t want to do like sharing a Facebook account with your wife.

Ladies, when talking to men, never read between the lines.  There is nothing there.  Trust me.

It’s always a tragedy when a child dies unless his dying wish was to make the Xanga front page top blogs.  Screw that, there’s blogs about rape and racism that need to be there, not some dying kid.

They say you lose a lot of calories from running.  I wonder how many calories you lose from running multiple Xanga accounts that are embroiled in Xanga drama.

Sometimes I feel like the Meg Griffin of Xanga and my family.  If by now you haven’t figured out, I have little to no self-confidence. I’ve lost it through years of abuse. I don’t get my hopes up anymore because nothing ever comes about through hoping.  I like to do this anti-comedy self-deprecation comedy thing that’s all the rage right now.

3 out of 4 Xangans suffer from at least one self-diagnosed mental illness.

Instead of learning from mistakes, a lot of people blog about them on Xanga and keep repeating them.

It still works after all these years.

I enjoy the surveys that flood Myspace and Facebook and Tumblr.  They sometimes allow me to flex my humor muscles and not the muscles located on my humerus bone and no, not my humorous bone that receives laughter from the opposite sex whenever my pants are around my ankles.  Man, I should start writing my stand-up routine.  Well anyway this is a survey about me.  I figure I had to do this so that I don't chew my fingernails down to bloody stubs.

Name: Matt
Single or Taken: single
Happy about that: no
Eye color: grey or blue or something like that
Shoe size: 17, yes that is correct, a freakin' 17,  I am a monster
Height: 6'2"
Birthday: once a year
What are you wearing right now? a smile, black boxer briefs, and a clean shaven face
Righty or lefty: Bothy
Siblings: none

♥FAVORITES
Kind of pants: leather on girls
Animal: cats...one is holding a gun to my temple and the other has a sword at my throat.
Month: April, only because when I was in grade school I had a neighbor named April and she was a year older than me and let me feel her boobs
Juice: Blood Orange
Favorite cartoon: Assy McGee or Moral Orel or Family Guy...basically the stuff on Adult Swim

♥HAVE YOU EVER:
Given anyone a bath? no not really
Bungee Jumped? yes, but the rope didn't support my weight and I was bathed in the healing waters of the Wisconsin River
Skinny dipped? yes, but because I have a fetish for bungee jumping naked
Played truth or dare? hmm...Dare
Been in a physical fight: I was once a bouncer at a strip club and if you play your cards right I will tell you stories about my misadventures
Played spin-the-bottle: Yes but the girls always refused to kiss me
Been on a plane: Yes
Came close to dying: did I ever tell you the story about the time I drove my car over a 30 foot cliff?
Been in a hot tub: my bathtub gets pretty hot
Fallen asleep in school: I fell asleep once when I was teaching.  It was read aloud time and the kids picked out the story and I found it absolutely boring. 
Ran away: only from Flock of Seagulls' songs
Broken someone's heart: I once had a friend email a girl telling her that I was dead but the plan backfired when she unexpectedly showed up at my parents' house
Cried when someone died: I cried the day Saddam Hussein was executed.  I mean the coverage was horrible because they promised me pictures and they were all grainy.  I hate you Anderson Cooper!
Fell off your chair: I fell out of a desk when class was over because I was sleeping and the sudden movement startled me
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: only losers would do that...yes I did
Saved IM conversations: for my "private" use later
Used someone: I think that means in a sexual matter.  In that case no.  I have used people as sounding boards for my absurd theories of time travel and JFK's assassination
Been cheated on: Yes, did I ever tell you the story of how I, after being having a near-exclusive sexual relationship with a girl during my high school years, decided to have a regular relationship with her and stopped having sex and then she ended up getting pregnant by another guy?

♥Do You:
Believe in love at first sight: Yes, why do you think I am constantly oiled down and rubbing in self-tanning cream and wearing speedos and flexing?
Believe long distance relationships work: Yes and I have seen them work
Like school: I like it when I am a teacher and Scott Walker doesn't have his boot pressed on my throat
Question yourself: Why would I, of all people, answer this question?
The last person that called you? The last person to call my cellphone was a friend's mom.
Who makes you smile the most: the little people from TLC
Who knows you the best?: the FBI
Like filling these out: Yes, because maybe they will make you feel better about yourself and you get to see my bruised psyche
Wear contact lenses or glasses: Glasses
Get along with your family: Only certain members like my brother and sister(remember I am an only child)

♥More Questions:
What are you doing this weekend? well the weekend is over but next weekend I plan on beer and annexation because it's the annual Czech fest and as a German I demand they appease me.
Have a lava lamp: No, I saw what they could do after viewing the epic movie, Dante's Peak
How many remote controls are in your house? 7
Are you double jointed? Sometimes I roll them so big they may be considered double joints
When you last showered? This morning because I was "dirty"
Scary or Funny Movies: I like funny scary movies such as Scary Movie 2 and definitely not Scary Movie 4
Root beer or Dr.Pepper: Hmmm it depends on the Root Beer.  1919 or Sprecher Root Beer is near orgasmic but then I'm not married and forgot what those feel like so I equate an excellent root beer with the peak of sexual pleasure
Summer or winter: what about fall?
Diamond or pearl: I am a generous fellow.  I love giving ladies pearl necklaces.
Sprite or 7up: I used to think my sex life was like 7-Up(Never have, never will).  If you understand that joke, you, like myself, watch insane amounts of television and remember inane ad campaigns
Coffee or tea: Coffee although I don't drink it but I'm American so I don't drink tea unless it's iced
Phone or in person: Phone, because then I can be unattractive and people won't mind

Today Did You:
1. Talk to someone you liked: my cats
2. Buy something: Gummi cola bottles and cherry licorice and insulin needles...those last ones were for my dad
3. Get sick: I was ill this morning and then by 3PM I was illin'
4. Talked to an ex: I wish

♥Last person who:
10. Slept in your bed: Me
11. Saw/heard you cry: Jesus
12. Made you cry? God
13. Went to the movies with: Jesus
15. Said "I Love You": No one says that to me and means it
16. Ever been in a fight with your pet: that is abuse
18. Been to Canada: Yes and it was excellent, eh?
20. Been to Europe: Yes and I got drunk in 3 countries
21. Been to Mexico: Mexico is sad

♥Random:
22. Do you have a crush on someone right now: I really like this girl but she doesn't like me and she doesn't know I am alive
23. What book are you reading now: Bad as I Wanna Be by Dennis Rodman
24. Future kids names: Favre, Montel, Horatio, Pythagerus, Mary
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No, my cats are enough
26. What's under your bed: none of your business
27. Favorite sports to watch: Football, Basketball, Baseball, wrestling...yes it is a sport, there is just something so competitive about men being greased up and rolling around in nothing more than spandex...wrestling is more of a sport than NASCAR
28. Favorite Locations: would it be offensive to say a former girlfriend?
29. tattoos or piercings: ear, eyebrow, and I had two piercings that you will have to ask me about later
30. Biggest Fear? as a teenager it was becoming a father and now it is dying alone
31. Who do you hate? pastors who lie and tell those cutesy little stories in their sermons, half of these stories are made up and shared by pastors all over the country.  Seriously how many pastors have taken youth groups past nude beaches?  I have heard like 20 pastors tell me that they have and well...maybe they tell these stories to let deep desires come to the surface.
32. Do you have a job? see I don't know what they call it for when it is done to a woman.  A lube job?
33. Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with? Britney never returned my calls
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now? Volare by Dean Martin
39. Have you ever played strip poker? Earlier I told you I worked at a strip club so do the math.
40. Have you ever gotten beat up? I had shoes hit me and knock me to the ground
42. Have you ever been on radio? Not yet but I have been on TV a few times
43. Have you ever been in a mosh-pit? Yes, Garrison Keillor shows get wild.
♥More Random

44. Whats the first things you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes, smile, hair...who am I kidding...chesticles, booty and overall demeanor
45. Are you too shy to ask someone out? I think that should be obvious to you by know if you have read my past blogs
46. Hugs or kisses? I love it when I get kissed and my bottom lip is...I'll stop there
47. Dogs or cats? Cats...once again gun at temple and sword at throat
48. Favorite Flower? Dandelions...they make great make-up, wine, and salad
49. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes I am a big game hunter and one of the founding fathers of the New Ulm BB Gun club
50. How many pillows do you sleep with? 6