I am going to bring back some old recipes I posted a long, long time ago when I had about 1 or 2 readers who had Xanga accounts.  No I don't have photos...sorry.  They are quite tasty...trust me.

Dill Pickle Soup
3 tablespoons butter
¼ cup finely chopped onion
½ cup white wine
½ cup plus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
5 cups water
1 ½ cups dill pickle juice
2 teaspoons dried dill weed, crushed
½ cup whipping cream or milk
Salt and white pepper to taste
1 large dill pickle, cut julienne

In a large soup pot over medium heat, melt butter.  Add onion and sauté until soft.  Add white wine and continue cooking until almost all liquid evaporates.  Reduce heat to low and stir in flour (do not brown).  In a large bowl, combine water and pickle juice; add and whisk in all at once to onion mixture.  Bring to a boil, stirring constantly, until soup slightly thickens.  Add dill weed.  Stir in whipping cream or milk to desired consistency.  Season with salt and white pepper.  Remove from heat.  Serve in soup bowls and garnish with julienne dill pickle.
Makes 4 servings.

Guiltless Oven-Fried Chicken Fingers
1 cup low-fat mayonnaise
1 tablespoon curry paste, or more
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
4 skinless, boneless chicken breasts
2 cups panko (Japanese) bread crumbs

Heat the oven to 350 degrees F.  In a large bowl, combine the mayonnaise and curry paste, to taste.  Thin this with a little water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until you get the consistency of heavy cream, and season with salt and pepper.   Cut the chicken breasts into thick strips.  Drop the strips into the bowl and coat them well with the curry mayonnaise.  Cover and refrigerate for at least 5 minutes or up to 1 hour.  Pour the bread crumbs onto a plate and toss the chicken strips well to completely cover them.  Put them onto a nonstick baking sheet and into the over.  Cook for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the chicken is browned and cooked through.
Yields 4 servings.

Microwave Chicken Curry
2 tablespoons Indian curry paste
3 tablespoons olive oil
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips
½ bunch basil, leaves chopped
½ bunch cilantro, leaves chopped
2 (13.5 ounce) cans coconut milk
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Steamed rice, to serve
Paprika, for garnish
1 scallion, thinly sliced, for garnish

In a large microwave safe pot with a lid, mix together the curry paste and oil.  Microwave on high for 3 minutes.  Add the chicken to the pot and stir.  Cover with the lid and microwave on medium for 8 minutes.   Add the basil, cilantro, coconut milk, and soy sauce and season with salt and pepper.  Give it a good stir, cover it, and microwave on medium for 4 minutes.  Stir it again, cover, and let rest for 3 to 4 minutes.  Serve over steamed rice, garnished with paprika and scallions.
Yields 4 servings.

Grilled Banana Split Sundaes
2 to 3 bananas
1 frozen pound cake, thawed
1 whole pineapple
About 10 maraschino cherries
½ stick butter melted

Sauce:
1 pint heavy cream
9 ounces good-quality semisweet chocolate, chopped

Vanilla ice cream for serving
Special equipment: wooden skewers, soaked in water for at least 30 minutes

Preheat an outdoor grill.  Peel and cut the bananas into ½ inch thick slices.  Trim the top off the pound cake and cut the rest into the same size squares as the banana chunks.  Cut the top and bottom off the pineapple and remove the rind from around the sides.  Cut the pineapple in half and then into quarters.  Trim the core and cut each piece again lengthwise.  Cut the strips into ½ inch thick pieces.  On a wooden skewer, alternate pieces of banana, pound cake, and pineapple until skewer is full, leaving about 2 inches for a handle.  You should have 8 to 10 skewers.  Finish with a cherry.  Brush with melted butter and grill for 1 to 2 minutes each side.  (Alternatively, you can broil the skewers for about 1 to 2 minutes per side)

Sauce: Meanwhile, heat the cream in a small pan over medium heat; do not let it boil.  Add the chocolate to the warm cream.  Let sit for a few minutes, then stir the mixture to melt all the chocolate.  Cool for a few minutes and pour into a squeeze bottle.  Scoop ice cream into bowls and top with a skewer.  Squeeze some chocolate sauce over the top and serve.
Yields 8 to 10 sundaes.

I think I may have said I lived in an Amish paradise.  This is pretty much an accurate depiction of country roads in these parts.

I went fishing there a while back.  I didn't catch anything other than a bird.  It flew right into my line as I was casting.  It freed itself but I was screaming because I hate birds.

I think this was the reason I wasn't catching anything.

Best name at the Olympics...EVER

Now comes the time on my blog where we'll play a game I like to call "Olympics or Gay Porn".  So which is it?

I'd definitely watch that...tis but a scratch.

YES!

If a girl whispered that in my ears I'd need a change of underwear.

There was nothing as exhilarating as beginning my day with donuts and a bottle of Coffee Stout from the good folks at the New Glarus Brewing Company.

Because he hangs out too much with Not Me.

Why am I sharing this?  Why not?

Have a great night and Mahlzeit!

Years ago I posted a lot of funny covers and panels from the world of comic books.  I guess I sort of drifted from that as my Xanga has evolved although I have been accused of being unoriginal because I post the same things on a weekly basis.  I guess you can't please everyone.  I figured I'd bring back one of those old comic posts to see if people would enjoy them once again.

I am a student of history.  There were three Axis leaders.  Now according to this comic book cover there are three Axis heads and two Axis bodies.  It looks like Mussolini had a floating head disconnected from his body. 

With a title like Girl Love and what the two girls are saying....well I have seen late night movies on Cinemax have similar scenes.

Is that Jimmy Olsen?  Even so, why does Smallville have its own suspension bridge and public transit and harbor?  Oh yeah so which giant are they referring to in the title?  These comics are going to make my brain explode.

Apparently, Rex is more powerful than a grenade that was just hurled at him.  As many of you know, I have never been to war before but if I was that guy in the tank I would probably be more concerned with the grenade that is flying at me than the dog that is also flying at me.  Call me crazy but guns don't stop grenades like they can stop dogs but maybe not wonder dogs.

So they have a statue of Caesar in Metropolis?  I guess Superman also has super ventriloquism powers.

So what was your first clue?  Obiviously The Flash's mind isn't as fast as his feet.

Ummm...did someone ever explain fire and water to these writers?

I am so afraid of a gymnast.  You have to be the worst superhero if you get beat by a gymnast.

Superhypnotism???? Well at least she now hates Clark Kent.

Superweaving? A wedding gown?  Do you ever get the feeling that they are really stretching for story ideas?

LINCOLN SMASH!!!!!!!!!

Superman is up to his old super dickery here by leaving Jimmy Olsen to fight off an army of Jimmy Olsen clones.  You would think that with all the crap that Superman has put up with from Jimmy Olsen and all the times he has humiliated Jimmy Olsen, he wouldn't be able to resist beating the hell out of an army of Jimmy Olsen clones.  Let me say that one more time, "AN ARMY OF JIMMY OLSEN CLONES"

So this is an actual comic.  I don't understand how the two relate nor do I understand the concept.  I was thinking this was fake but the sad thing it is not.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA The lengths that Archie goes to for his women. 

I have made fun of Batman on this site previously but this is ridiculous.  Batman is such a jerk.  Making his lover I mean boy ward do all the work.  And Superman is not much better but now Superman will get his comeuppance.

So apparently Superman is all for cruelty to women.  Maybe that is why so many women love him.  I hear that you treat women like crap they fall in love with you.  Maybe I should follow Superman's lead. 

HAHAHAHA Batman's not only doing his best to sound gay but he really looks it holding his boy ward in his arms.  Ah Batman you creep.

Batman may be creepy and sounds gay but what Spiderman is having done in this picture is just plain wrong.

Have a wonderful time.

You, my reader.  This has by far been the worst summer of my life.  Be it the stress from having a dying pet to the uncertainty of my own future and huge potholes along the road of life.  You have been around and expressed concern for me.  That's more than I can say for those that I once considered close to me.  I had all this stuff prepared to say but I decided against it because given how I have this odd anniversary coming up I don't want to dredge up all those feelings and depress myself even worse than I already have.  I just know that it's amazing how a person can give up drinking and then pick it right back up and there isn't any change.  Well that's a downer so here's #caturday

As many of you know, my cat Lua was severely sick this month and the vet sent me home one night saying that I should think about putting her down and don't expect her to get better.  This is probably the last photo I have of her before she got sick.

This is the first photo I took of her once I got her home two Saturdays ago.  She was very underweight and her fur was in poor condition plus you can see in this shot where they shaved on her throat for feeding and IVs.  Lua hardly leaves my side.  She is at least in the same room with me at all times.  There are times when I get up to go to the bathroom when she'll get up and follow me.  This behavior has deterred me from raiding the fridge because I don't want to put her through a lot of extra work.  Also don't look but there is godfather nudity in that photo.

Lua is slowly getting better.  Today was the most active I've seen her since I got her home.  She was chasing a laser and running up and down my stairs.  It's also taken my other cat Kiki about two weeks to get used to having her back after Lua was at the vet's for about two weeks or so.  Kiki no longer hisses whenever Lua is around.  Well here's an up close shot of her throat and chest area.  I like how they left her black spot on her chin.  Her goatee is quite prominent now and her fur is slowly coming back.

Lua has to be by me and she's come to enjoy watching Happy Days as much as I have.  Disregard my messy coffee table and stacks of tapes and games.

And I suppose I have to include Kiki.

Pretty soon they'll be back together at full health.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

So my mom informed me that she went with co-workers to see "Ted".  She said it was hilarious.  I asked if she wanted to watch my Family Guy dvds now that she's into that humor.  She said, "No, that show is awful and those people that make it aren't funny at all."  Sigh.  I charged my e-reader.  It cooled off but my house is so hot.  There is heat coming out of my carpet.  It's the humidity escaping or something.  It sucks that it's like 70 outside and I have to run my air conditioning because it's like 85 in here.  Then I got all depressed because I totally remembered something about today.  I'm boring.

1.  I guess being boring is better than being pathetic like this guy.  This guy sent emails to a woman after he met her on the ski slopes. 

2.  I think I've said this before but cosplay sort of creeps me out.  I guess I'm not smart enough to understand the appeal of dressing up like your favorite character.  Anyway, here's a collection of cosplay fails.

3.  I like the vidja games.  I play mostly sports games although since I've gotten my PS3 I've been playing a lot of Medal of Honor and Cabella's hunting games.  Does this have a point?  No so here's a collection of customized gaming consoles.

4.  It's always fascinated me that in the 20th century there are still mysteries especially mysteries when it comes to identities.  Here's a collection of 6 famous people whose identities are unknown.

5.  A couple of years ago one of the towns in this area got an indoor football team.  They had open try-outs and guess who tried out?  Not me.  I wanted to but my knees are too shot.  Well, here's a collection of the best uniforms in the Arena Football League.

6.  This collection of photos has a funny back story.  This guy had a photo of his parents and he wanted it touched up by someone with Photoshop and these are the submissions he received.

7.  I think I've shared this Tumblr site before but because I find it so funny I'll have to share it again.  It's called Literally Unbelievable and it's a collection of people's reactions to stories from The Onion, stories that they think are real.  A few years back, when The Onion first introduced videos on their site, one of Xanga's premiere conspiracy theorist bloggers posted a video that she thought was a session of Congress determining where they were going to establish internment camps for American citizens. 

8.  This Tumblr site is called Facebook Fortunes.  You can download a template of a fortune cookie and upload status from Facebook to appear on the fortune cookie.  I guess it makes more sense if you look at the site.

9.  I used to post a weekly celebrity Tumblr account.  Well I haven't found many and then I found one of my favorite comedian's sites.  This site belongs to Bill Scheft.

10.  Apparently cube art is a thing and now you can make your favorite characters from Freaks and Geeks into cube art.

11.  I can't remember the last time I had coffee from Starbucks.  I figure it was sometime in 2003, seriously.  I support the mom and pop type coffee shops if I drink coffee.  I don't think I've had a coffee in well over a year.  Anyway I know some of my readers like their Starbucks so I thought I'd share their secret menu.

12.  A couple years ago I had some major health problems and I got my will together and actually wrote my own funeral service.  I didn't know if I was going to survive at the time so I want everything planned out accordingly.  I planned on being cremated but I had no clue what I wanted done with my ashes.  Well I think I have my answer.  It's called Angels Flight.  They take ashes and mix them with fireworks.  How awesome is that!

So here is the branch that fell off my tree yesterday.  Nothing major.  I guess I was pretty excited because it almost hit the house and I couldn't believe I didn't hear it fall.  I guess that answers the saying.  In the last photo you can see Amish rush hour.  There were actually three buggies coming up my street when I took that photo.

Look at me, I'm such a hipster taking a photo of my hand.  I should totally be on Instagram.

And I thought the Olympic rings Coke display at Walmart was impressive.

Speaking of Walmart, here's Walmart bingo.

My mom teaches Sunday school.  I think I'm going to go through her coloring pages and turn all the characters into comic book heroes.

Aaron Rodgers golfing with Kevin Malone?  Your argument is invalid.

That bitch is totally in the kitchen.

#Truth

Have a good night.

(I found this a while back somewhere on the intertubes.  I can't remember where actually.  It was before my cat got sick.  It was probably from some fan fiction site because for a while their I was into this site on Tumblr that promoted bad fan fiction and I'd go out to some of the sites looking for more.  Either way I found this and I had copied it to a word document so I could fix spelling and grammar because some of it was pretty poor but I guess that was part of my initial appeal because I hear 50 Shades of Grey is awful when it comes to those things.  Anway, this is a parody of 50 Shades of Grey.)

He woke up after another long night of that taunting, repetitive dream. He quickly pushed it out of his mind as he yelled, “I’MMMMMM READY!”. He hopped out of bed and said hello to Gary,to which he replied “meow”. With speed only a cartoon character could imitate,he put on his squared clothing, and grabbed his work hat, all the while sending bubbles flying toward the surface of the room.

           Try as he might, he could not forget the journey he took last night to the boating school. Hoping to find his lost pencil, he opened the door to find Mrs.Puff, sprawled across her table, wearing nothing but her black lingerie that she had kept locked up since her husband was turned into a fashionable lamp.She was fed up with teaching Spongebob in her boating class, and was desperate for a way to get him to finally graduate and leave.

           “Well, hello Spongebob. What brings you here on this nautical night?”, she said seductively

           “Mrs. Puff! What are you doing?!”, pure surprise in his voice

           “Now, now Spongebob, we both know how much you really want your license…and I am prepared to give you the deal of a lifetime.”

           “But, Mrs. Puff, that would be cheating! I need to find my pencil!”

           Spongebob gasped as Mrs. Puff, with incredible flexibility, hopped off the table and pushed him into the wall. All he could think was that there was no one around for a mile…

           Mrs. Puff’s fin slid down to his mid-section, and she whispered into his ear,“I think I found your pencil.”

*  *   *

It was just another dull day at work. As he stared at his magazine subscription, Ballet Seamphony, he could not help but think about the beautiful woman he saw at the Kelp Mart. He was picking up a jar of pickles when the woman in front of him dropped her candied kelp. She bent down to pick them up and Squidward was presented the best view of the most phenomenal ass he had ever seen. His jaw simply dropped and he could not believe that such beauty existed. Thinking quickly, he ran to her cart stealthily and dropped one of the items to the ground.

     “Ma’am I’ll get that”, he said in a snarky voice, picking up the item which was deliberately dropped to the ground.

     She turned around and said “Thank you so much!”

     He held out his hand to introduce himself. She took his hand and he said in a low voice, “My name is Squidward, and you are simply the most exquisite thing I’ve seen in my life aside from my instrument…and my clarinet”

     She let out a low giggle, “My name is Mrs. Puff, and now what do you mean by instrument sir…” She stared at him seductively.

     “I think you have some sort of idea” he cackled, his nose flopping up and down…

     BING, “Order up!” Being taken out of his trance, Squidward automatically felt annoyed, taking the order. He gave Spongebob the familiar bored, judgmental look.

*   *   *

  Mr. Krabs was outside of his house tending to his flowers on this fine day-off.  He had Pearl on his mind and was thinking about how much he wished that he could have given her a mother. But he was a washed up old man and had nothing going for him. No woman would ever see anything in him, and he learned to deal with that fact.

     Suddenly a boat came driving by and started sputtering. It broke down in front of his house and so naturally, he went to see if there was anything that he could do to help the poor lady sitting inside. She got out and took off her sunglasses to reveal the most beautiful eyes that Krabs had ever seen throughout the seven seas. It was Mrs. Puff.

     “Mrs. Puff!”

     “Oh! Krabs!”

     “Why, it has been years since I’ve seen you” he scanned her body and was instantly turned on. She was filling out her tights better than the last time he saw her…and he liked it. “You look great.”

     Embarrassed of how their last relationship went, she replied, “Oh you do too Krabs… Is there anything you can do to help me?” As she said this, she examined him and noticed that he was in better shape than ever before… and she loved the way he was staring at her, it made her feel beautiful.

     Krabs replied, “Of course!” to which Mrs. Puffs giggled. He instantly started to look for the problem.

     Mrs. Puff could not keep her eyes off of him. She fixed her cleavage and walked around to him, and with a brave impulse, grabbed his crotch with her fin.

     “Oh!”, yelped Mr. Krabs, to which Mrs. Puff whispered, “Shhhh… I think you should take me upstairs.

     They both ran to the bedroom where Mr. Krabs stripped her down until she was absolutely naked. She looked fantastic and had the figure of a barrel. They instantly started to fornicate. She moaned and yelled because it was something that she hadn’t felt for years. She forgot about how amazing it was and she screamed for more.

     “Krabs harder!”,  he pushed and pulled out harder and faster. Then suddenly the hammock they were laying on broke and they fell down, through the floor and straight into Pearl’s room.

     Krabs and Puff both looked around and found Pearl and three of her friends lying in her bed. Pearl let out a wail.

*  *   *

BING,“Order up!” Being taken out of his trance, Squidward automatically felt annoyed, taking the order. He gave Spongebob the familiar bored, judgmental look.

Squidward gave the customers their meal and looked to the door to find the most awe-inspiring sight. Mrs. Puff and all of her beauty came through the door.Squidward ran to his position ready to take her order. But she didn’t walk to him, she noticed him and gave a wink, but went straight to Mr. Krabs’ office.  Spongebob noticed her coming and told Squidward, “Isn’t she…beautiful”.

Squidward,bewildered, turned around to Spongebob, “WHAT? You know that woman?”

“Oh yeah, Squidward, she’s my boating instructor!” He replied happily, “ And…she’s so beautiful”.

“Well you can’t have her! It’s obvious that she is interested in a man with more talent than you can fill all of the holes on your body with”.

“But Squidward! She’s my boating instructor! I’ve known her for much longer than you! Stay away from her!”

They both exchanged one look, and immediately ran to the door to Mr. Krabs’ office.Fighting the whole way, they reached the door and slammed it open to find Mrs.Puff sprawled out on the table with her legs wide open, Krabs centered in between them.

“Boys get out! OUT!” yelled Mr. Krabs, but Squidward and Spongebob did not listen. They were both so entranced by the urge to go and have their way with Mrs. Puffs that they slammed the door and Mrs. Puffs suddenly found herself to be subject to a gang bang. Spongebob immediately took full control of her mouth and Squidward the luscious ass he witnessed at the Kelp Market. Mr. Krabs was confused at first but decided that as long as he was also having his way with this sex god, it really didn’t matter. Mrs. Puff, full of Spongebob, could only gurgle as she tried to tell them to make it harder. But they understood what she wanted, and they gave it to her. Hard.

5 Howas Latea

The restaurant had no idea what was going on. Customers walked in and saw that no one was at the cash register and no one was making the patties. So the restaurant eventually emptied out.

The love group walked out of Krabs’ office. “That was amazing”, “Something only reserved for gods”, “Incredible”. They all complimented Mrs. Puff on her amazing work.

She chuckled, “That’s really nice of you all. But you must remember. I’m a poisonous puffer fish.”

And she cackled maniacally as Spongebob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs realized that they only had until sunset before they would die of the venomous fluids that Mrs. Puff voluntarily exposed each of them to during their love session. Mrs.Puff immediately inflated and an ambulance came with lightning speed and took her away.

All three of them went to the cliff to watch the sunset together, knowing that they would die together. Squidward stared deeply into Spongebob’s eyes. This was not the first time that he went through something like this with Spongebob. They both cried into each others’ arms as Mr. Krabs, tears streaming down his face,mouthed the countdown that would end with the sun setting.

“Five…four… three… two… on-“

BOOM

The end

It was either this or a parody of 50 Shades of Grey.  I hope you enjoy my horrible jokes and shitty photos.  Oh well this is still better than the final seasons of Happy Days.

The Muppets have ended their partnership with Chick-Fil-A.  I guess now we know the real meaning behind “The Rainbow Connection”.

I figure there are a lot of weird fetishes out there so there has to be one where a girl likes a fat, sarcastic asshole with a blog.

I wish that guy would call that Carly Ray Jepson so that song will be taken off the radio.  Apparently that guy called her because there is an alleged sex tape floating around the internet.

Marijuana is legal on every planet but Earth.  Thanks a lot, Obama!  Do you think the Earth ever teases other planets for having “no life”?  Did you know “President Obama” is an anagram of “A Diaper Entombs”?  Oh and they say “every cloud has a silver lining”.  Why aren’t we mining and harvesting clouds in this economy, Obama?

The Supreme Court may have decided on the ACA a while back but they are still split on whether or not Prometheus was a good or bad movie.

Why are there never creepy guys in windowless vans around when I want some candy?

I can’t help but wonder if Lady Gaga gets royalties fort hose Edge of Glory knife sharpeners.

Tune in to the Olympics to see me compete for the gold in stealth wedgie picking.

It’s the strangest damn thing but when I was 7 a bear wearing a forest ranger uniform told me that only I could prevent forest fires.  I have no clue why he picked me over all the other people in the world but he did so I am doing my damnedest not to start any forest fires.

I think the only reason girls love my small penis is because it makes their butts look big.  Girls want to have big butts, right?

I like steak so much that it makes my heart skip a beat.  Actually it makes it skip two beats.  Maybe I should call that ambulance.

Justin Bieber got in trouble with the law for speeding.  Next on the agenda, he’s planning on jaywalking and then drinking some wine coolers.

Jerry Springer and Mardi Gras are proof enough for me that there are women out there who will show me their boobs just to get plastic beads.

I love Law & Order so much.  I think I’ve seen every episode.  My favorite is the one where Law asks Order to marry him and then they make out.

Why is it that people are totally OK with shooting animals into space for exploration but can’t handle two dudes holding hands?

For my next birthday, I’m having an ice cream social and you’re all invited.  I know this isn’t a joke but I just wanted to see if you’re paying attention.  A quiz will be had later on in the year and I imagine a lot of you will say, “But I didn’t get invited”.  But you did!

So if I read 50 Shades of Grey will it improve my non-existent sex life like what everyone says it does?  Will I have to go out and buy an extra bottle of Udderly Smooth?

I’m pretty sure they’re going to have to start dragging the homeless off the street to get judges for American Idol.  Maybe everyone is quitting because Randy Jackson smells which would support my homeless theory.

I sort of wish life had a fast forward button so I could go to the point in life when I’m rich and famous and everyone is kissing my ass but knowing my track record with fast forwarding I would probably go too far and wind up at the point where I’m dead.

Farmers who love farming more than women tend to go by the motto, “Hoes before hoes.”

I hate when skinny people say they eat whatever they want.  Usually they don’t want to eat a tube of cookie dough like I do.

I started a taxi service and I’m going to call it Cash Cab.  When people get in, bells,whistles, and lights will go off and then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi,welcome to Cash Cab, the game where you give me money and I take you places.”

Everything I needed to know about whether or not police officers are allowed to search in my car, I learned from a Jay-Z song.

I just found out that people who have “420” in their urls have some ties to CANNABIS!  How did you all not realize this?  Do you think that is funny?  They could go to jail for drug paraphernalia.

From all the errors in my posts, you’d think English was my second language.  Sadly, it’s not, it’s my first and I can’t even speak it good. Even worse, I’m licensed to teach middle school English.

I have always wondered about the term “bread winner of the family”.  I wonder what sort of freaky,back-alley games a person plays where the prize is bread.

I have a new drinking game for white people.  Watch a Tyler Perry movie or TV show and take a drink each time they make a bigoted comment against whites or reference something you don’t understand.

And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

I’ve spent some time listening to Gorillaz lately and I’m not entirely convinced they are using actual words in their songs.

Why is it that it only takes one relationship to end badly and it turns you into a jaded person? Why is it that the death of your fiancé turns you into a sulking, bitter blogger who thinks that love is unattainable?

I don’t think stores understand the psychological damage they inflict upon the populace when they start advertising “Back to School”sales in July.

I am tasteless and so is water and we all need water so I guess you all need me.  But if you like water then you like 70% of me.

You know what I hate worst about this heat…wearing cologne.  You put some on and then you start sweating and then you end up smelling like the air fresheners they put in those portapotties.

I was making out with this girl and I told her to whisper something sexy in my ear so she said, “Go Packers.”  Needless to say I needed a change of undergarments.

History tells us a great deal of stories and that is why you should always clear your computer’s history.

I don’t know which is more shocking, that Fred Willard got caught beating off in a porn theater or that there are still porn theaters.

The only thing worse than getting the “short end of the stick” is hearing a girl say that while giving you a handjob.

Do girls like it when you cook for them?

“May contain nudity”???? Either there’s nudity or there isn’t.  Stop wasting my time.

I don’t like going to strip clubs anymore because if I want to see a bleached asshole I can do it a lot cheaper by staying at home and watching “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives”.

The worst part about having my hand get caught in a Pringles can is when I can’t get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

I hold the world record for having the sex the most amount of times for a guy who knows all the lyrics to Linger by The Cranberries.

I have to come clean which is why I masturbate in the shower.

A Xanga Public Service Announcement: Sarcasm doesn’t translate well on the internet because sarcasm doesn’t always translate into text.  Don’t use sarcasm in your posts because someone will always ALWAYS take it seriously.  Don’t act shocked if they do because it is inevitable.  The more you know.

Have you ever had sex dreams about a Xangan?  Well I have and instead of saying their real name during the act I said their screen name.

I’m starting a petition to change the definition of“asswipe” from “something you use to wipe your ass” to “someone who creates a Xanga account just to mess with someone and cause drama”.

Looking for love on Xanga will only lead to one thing, you being fucked, literally or figuratively. Anyone up for a Xanga meet-up?

Time machines would be great if they had an option where you could go back in time to prevent people from causing Xanga drama by slapping them in the face.

I think my work at Xanga is done.  I’ve tricked the lot of you into thinking that I’m relevant when I’m just a regular Joe Schmo who has a few successful posts.  Actually…I’m an ass but I love the lot of you.  I really enjoy those of you who have differing opinions yet keep your mouths shut and respect my opinions and don’t send hate or block me because I think differently and don’t fall in line.

Half the jokes didn’t make sense this week.  Can you spot which ones?  It may earn you a Xanga mini.

A year or two ago I did a series of cooking posts featuring some of the recipes I routinely made.  I decided that I'd re-post a few of them just in case you get hit with the cooking bug.  Tonight you will be treated to three courses of Italian cooking.  The one recipe says "gravy".  It's not spaghetti sauce, it's gravy.  Sauce is something you buy in a can.  Gravy is a masterpiece that is slowly cooked, perfectly seasoned, with razor thin garlic slices and fresh grown herbs filling the house with the smell I remember from back in the day family style Sunday dinners.

Bow-tie Pasta Primavera

4 C. vegetables, chopped or sliced (use any that are on hand: olives, peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, cucumber, tomatoes, etc.)

3 C. cooked bow-tie pasta

Vinaigrette

½ c olive oil                  2 T. Lemon juice          ½ C. balsamic vinegar  

¼ C. chopped basil      ½ tsp. salt                     1 tsp. mince garlic         ½ tsp. pepper

1 T. dried oregano        1 C. Romano or Parmesan cheese

Gently toss vegetables and pasta together.  In a separate bowl, whisk together vinaigrette ingredients and pour over salad.  Toss again.  Refrigerate overnight before serving.

The gravy comes from 1 when Clemenza teaches Michael how to cook for the family when they have to hit the mattresses.

Godfather Spaghetti Gravy

28 ox canned whole tomatoes (chopped)          1 tsp. basil                    2 T. olive oil

1 tsp. oregano              1 med. onion (chopped)            1 lb cooked Italian sausage pre-cooked and broken into fine pieces                        3 cloves of garlic crushed finely chopped

2 T. dry red table wine  1 large tin tomato paste             ¼ C. sugar

In a large saucepan heat oil over medium heat and cook onion and garlic until translucent.  Add tomatoes and cook until soft.  Stir in tomato paste, basil, and oregano.  Stir in meat until meat is thoroughly coated.  Stir in wine and sugar.  Reduce heat to low to medium low, simmer 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Ladle sauce over large bowls of spaghetti.

How to Cook Pasta

For one pound of pasta:

Bring to a boil a large pot of water (at least 3-4 quarts).  Add 1-2 tablespoons salt and stir till dissolved.  When water is at a full boil, add pasta and stir immediately to keep off bottom.  (As they say, stir, stir, stir, stir!)

Once the pasta is boiling again, stir occasionally until cooked al dente, which depends on the pasta- between 5 and 11 minutes (read the pasta box to know the general time, then subtract 2 minutes for first time to check for doneness).

Cook pasta to al dente (which means "to the teeth", or in Americanese, so you can bite through it with no hard bits-still chewy, not soft).  Remember, pasta will be hot and continue cooking when off the flame.  Drain immediately, reserving one cup or more of pasta water if needed.  (The easiest way to reserve pasta water is to dip out the amount you want to save before draining the pasta.)

I don't like to add oil to the water when cooking pasta.  If you're worried that the pasta will stick together, return it to the pot and toss it well with a little olive oil after draining.  The pasta should still have a little "glue" from the starch it gives off that binds it to the sauce.

Chocolate Dessert Lasagna

1 (8 ounce) package no-boil lasagna noodles                2 pounds ricotta cheese

1 cup powdered sugar              ½ cup unsweetened cocoa        2 large eggs

1 ½ cups mini chocolate chips   1 orange, zested           ½ cup roasted pistachios

4 ounces white chocolate, coarsely grated

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Bring a large pot of water to the boil and cook the noodles for 1 minute.  Drain them and put them into a bowl of ice water to stop the cooking.  Drain again and lay on paper towels to dry.

Whisk together the ricotta, sugar, cocoa powder, and eggs on medium speed with a hand or stand mixer.  Scraping down the sides of the bowl, until it is ell blended.  Stir in the chocolate chips and orange zest.  Spread ¼ of the cheese mixture into the bottom of an 8 by 8-inch baking dish.  Sprinkle some of the pistachios over the top and press on a layer of noodles.  Repeat, ending with the ricotta mixture and pistachios.  Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until the lasagna has risen.  Remove the pan from the oven and evenly sprinkle the white chocolate over it.  Let cool, cut, and serve.

I hope you enjoy these recipes.
And now I hope you enjoy these probably NSFW photos.

Some people have asked if I started a club because of my recent absence...NO, THIS IS NOT MY CLUB

Seems about right

This episode is airing as I make this post.

Yeah...these next to photos are probably big Miss Steaks.

Would you eat this cake?

Mmmmm...bacon

Pig candy!

Who knew cats could be so delicious?

Homophones are awesome!

Subway is so...tasty?

Yeah...that's fitting after the last photo.

I didn't know bananas got that big.

Have a great night.

Doesn't this seem like a broken record?  I'm here for a few days and then I'm gone for a few.  Well I can't remember when I was last on a computer, probably Thursday, which means I had a long and busy weekend.

If you don't keep up with Western Wisconsin news and I don't know why you shouldn't since this is called God's Country and has one of the highest concentrations of Amish outside of Pennsylvania, then you'd know about these escaped prisoners.  Sometime on Tuesday night or early Wednesday they walked away from a minimum security prison that transitions prisoners to release.  One of the guys had a month left and the other had about 6 months left.  Anyway they walked away and broke into a house, stole some guns, and stole a car and hightailed it out of there.  The next day they are spotted in a town about a half hour north from where I live and they lead police on a high speed chase through a residential district and they end up escaping.  Then they bring in FBI to look for these guys.  Then the prisoners steal a car, a Chrysler Concorde just like one I used to own, from a farm 15 t0 20 minutes from me.  The kid was stupid enough to leave his car outside and with the keys in the ignition.  Anyway that was Thursday morning and they couldn't find them all of Thursday so they figure these two have left the area and quite possibly the state.  Well I go out Friday morning for a doctor's appointment in the town about an hour or so northwest of me.  After the appointment I'm feeling really hungry so my dad takes me to the Burger King a few blocks from the hospital.  I can't drive because they usually take out so much blood that it leaves me loopy.  Anyway I'm getting ready to order my meal and my cellphone goes off.  Normally my mom won't be bothered to use her cellphone and to call my cell it scared me so I answered.  People spotted these prisoners at a Dollar General about 4 blocks from my house and then at a gas station a block from my house.  They just drove in a straight line from one point to the other and passed by my house in the process.  Now the rumor is and I've heard this from a few people that these two were spotted looking at an SUV parked outside a house across from the library.  That was my vehicle.  My mom went on to say that they put her hospital on lockdown and the police were chasing these guys all over town.  They figure they were here because the one guy has family in the area.  Well they weren't caught and they are still at large. Oh and on the way home I discovered an Amish bulk food store.  I was pretty impressed with their stock and prices.  I bought a 1lb bag of bacon bits for $2.  If I bought that much at the store with the cheapest they have I'd spend $6.  I also got a bunch of candy and soup mixes.  I'm set. 

Saturday I had to catch up on work around the house and then I get a phone call from my aunt asking if I could accompany her and my mom to a country grocery store.  So they pick me up around 11:30 and we go out.  Well my aunt is one of these people that just like to take random roads to see where they go.  It took us about an hour to get there when it would take me about 25 minutes.  I bought a case of cans of sweet tea.  They are the tall cans and there are 24 cans in the case all for $1.  I also got a bunch of gatorade for cheap.  Well we didn't see the prisoners out in the country which I sort of expected because both of those guys are former military.  We go to a McDonald's for a lunch and the first thing I notice are two guys matching the description of the prisoners.  Well it wasn't them because even though their faces looked like the guys they were much too short.  Both were over 6ft tall and these guys were lucky to be 5'6".  Then I get home and crash.

My Sunday was fun because my church had our annual picnic.  We have it at a park next to the lake so when the pastor preaches he stands at one end of a shelter and we look out at the lake.  It's fun listening to him and watching the hawks circle above the lake waiting for the fish to jump.  Then after the service and meal I came home and napped and then decided against hopping on the internet because I figured that everyone is going to be debating gun control.  I own four guns.  Even my cats own guns.  I guess that makes me a horrible gun nut who is going to shoot you because I own guns.

(Lua when she was healthy and could carry a gun.  She's still on the mend.)

My own opinion is that we don't have enough gun ownership but then I live in a little town where prisoners run loose.  I'll just say I have my guns loaded and ready in case someone tries to break into my house.  Once they catch them I'll unload them and put them back.  But then I'm a country bumpkin in a fly-over state so I don't know nothing about anything other than corn husking and cow milking.

Oh and this morning I was out watering my lawn and the police pulled up to watch the gas station.  Then this nerdy looking couple pull up and asking me how to get to an Amish settlement.  I told them to turn around and head down by the Lutheran church and take a right and follow that road until they get to the place where the trees are starting to change.  Then they asked if there was any wifi in the area because apparently they needed to trust mapquest instead of my directions.  I took one look at their license plates and knew they wouldn't survive my directions...TARDI5...damn city slicker time travelers.

Hey, how are you doing, sports fan?  I'm back with the lukewarm links.  I met my first Xangan.  I have ADD.  It was a cool meet-up.  We just sat down for a lunch of burgers at a local diner and because I know some of you are concerned this place is a Christian business because they have chalkboard paint on the walls and a few area pastors signed and other people post Bible passages on the wall.  I don't know where they send there money.  Anyway it was really cool to put a living person with someone I read here on Xanga.  And we didn't take photos of each other because I'm not sure guys typically do that sort of thing.  It was just really awesome and I'd recommend meeting Xangans or me.  And like I promised @NVPhotography there is a standing invitation to any Xangan who comes through my area that I will take you on a tour of Amish country and I will provide a running commentary but we can't go on Sundays because that's the Amish holy day.

1.  I remember someone once told me that a picture is worth a thousand words.  Well here's 14 pictures that are worth a total of 14,000 words and they will shatter your image of some people.

2.  As some of you may know, I like girls and I once coached volleyball.  Well here are the 20 hottest beach volleyball bods.  I think I need to start posting more volleyball appreciation posts.

3.  I know a lot of you hate me and this might explain why, I enjoy Family Guy and Meg is one of my favorite characters.  Well here's a Meg trivia game for you.

4.  I found this site just the other day.  It's called Coloring for Grown-Ups.  They have black line photos that you can color and then you can submit your colorings and they'll post them.  My life is so much better knowing there's Breaking Bad coloring pages out there.

5.  I stumbled up this tumblr called Letters to Dr. Phil a while back.  It's letters to Dr. Phil and I'm not quite sure if they are fiction but to me they are funny.

6.  I know I've posted this site before but I thought I'd share it once again.  It's a tumblr site called Animated Albums.  They take music album covers and add an animated element to them.  It's really cool.

7.  A friend of mine sent me a link to a news story on CNN a while back about a town near where I lived in Minnesota.  I frequented that town quite a bit.  They had free poker every Friday night at one of the bars.  It was a big money-maker for the bar.  Well someone else in Kasota, MN had a great business opportunity.  They call it Drive a Tank.  It's pretty simple, you pay money to drive a tank the guy bought.  You can even pay extra to fire the guns.  Kasota is a different place.  Every week for a while when I was living up there there was a crystal meth lab bust.  I think it leaked into the ground water.

8.  This site is a tie-in to Tumblr but it's not a Tumblr site.  It's a collection of quotes (just keep hitting F5) from Tumblr but instead of being said by the person they are said by a velociraptor.

9.  Some of you may know this by now but in case you didn't, I enjoy The Simpsons.  So when I was surfing around I was sort of shocked when I read this list of Homer's jobs.  I never realized he had so many but I guess they needed to keep things fresh during the 500 episodes.

10.  Have you ever wondered what God would say to you if he called you and left a voicemail?  Well now you can at this site, God Called.  My message with my name was "I know what you've been doing at night."  I also tried my Xanga name and it came back, "Running server maintenance on Earth.  Pardon the downtime."

11.  Do you use Twitter?  Do you want more followers on Twitter?  Well here's a site called Twitterich.  If you follow the site with your Twitter you are entered into a contest to win all the people as your followers. 

12.  And here's a game for your enjoyment, it's The Great Gatsby...for NES.  So much better than the book!

My favorite meme

Yeah..."touch"...that's the ticket

I think I've found my new business cards but I'll spell it correctly.

The viking hat...life is so much better when you're wearing a viking hat but not one that has anything to do with the Minnesota Vikings because they would make your life worse.

Witty hipster nauseating comment.

I know where that is going...she's going to pay him but forget to give him a tip and she'll invite him inside while she checks her purse and then she'll find some extra money and he'll accept it and go back to his car and furiously masturbate while he cries.

She's delicious.  I better Lasagna Del Rey would've done better on Saturday Night Live just as long as they kept her away from Keenan Thompson or Bobby Moynihan.

That Gandhi is a genius.

60 years on the throne?!?!?!?!?!?!  You'd think they'd try Metamucil by now.

Sigh...have a good night and hug and kiss your loved ones because you don't know what's around the corner.

• This isn't a motivational post but if you find something funny you're allowed to laugh.
• I like freckles.
• I'm balding so I wear baseball hats and I've taken to collecting minor league team hats.
• I want to see the new Batman movie but it will be crowded and people will have to sit next to me so I will probably forgo wearing deodorant and do a workout beforehand and then when they sit next to me I'll put my arm around them and say, "OH SNAP!  You're going to be my Batman buddy.  This is going to be so much fun.  Can you believe Batman dies?"
• I like boobs.
• I like bald chicks.
• I'd like to meet Mitt Romney so we can discuss job creation and underwear.
• I hate the Obama commercial that says, "What a president believes is important".  I think that's a subtle strike at Mormonism.  And four years ago it seemed like everyone was attacking him for being a Muslim or an atheist.
• I've also come to loathe all this talk about tax returns.  Wasn't it like 4 years ago when everyone on one side was harping about birth certificates?  Now the other side is harping about tax returns.  They're all rotten children.
• I watched Boy Meets World on MTV2 the other day.  I don't see what the big deal is.  It wasn't that good.
• I like short walks on the beach at dawn.
• I was digging around in some of my old CDs and I found a couple of CDs that made me want to have a listening party.  One was called Sex-O-Rama volume 2.  It’s a collection of 70s style porn music.  The other is called “Music to Make Love By”.  It’s all sorts of trance and triphop.  I just have no one to listen to them with just like I have no one to eat cheese with.  They are definitely not fun to listen to alone.  Drop me a line if you’re interested in listening to some music.  Gosh…can you smell the desperation?
• I could really go for some saltwater taffy.
• I think more girls need to read Fifty Shades of Grey and when they are frustrated they should give me a call.  See...desperation.
• While I was away I played a lot of Medal of Honor on my PS3.  I beat it and I defeated global terrorism.  You're welcome.
• Conan O'Brien did a joke about Chris Christie enjoying pie.  That's something else we have in common but I think the kind of pie I enjoy is much different.  Sorry...desperation coming through once again.
• Does anyone besides me watching this dating show "Excused"?  I sometimes think I'm the only one because whenever the contestants are told that they could be excused they are shocked.
• So a girl I once liked until she called me a retard for having a differing political opinion just said she enjoys chest hair because of Fifty Shades of Grey.  I used to have a nice forest going but then I decided to cook shirtless.
• I want to go to Pondamonium.  The concert features Garbage and The Flaming Lips.  Hmmm...it's a shame I can't stand out in the sun for anything over 15 minutes.

That is...AWESOME!

I hope @americanalien covers that version.

I still want to see it.

That would make that show so much better and the interactions with Sam the butcher would be meaningful.



Well I once declared a war on Hanukkah at Walmart because they didn't carry Hanukkah cards, menorahs, or yarmulkes.

I'm horrible at my piano and my Jewish piano.  Such a failure.

Tastes like matzo

The only piece of ass I can get...desperation

Hard to believe that show is coming to an end.  It won't end well.

Drop me a line if you want to read this.

Poetic?

That guy has the longest neck.

I think I have a future dancing for the larger fans of Chippendales.

OK that's pretty clever.

SCIENCE!  So Mountain Dew can glow in the dark.  Why would you want to drink that junk?


Have a good night.