And now the man who met Andy Griffith will deliver a prepared statement:

I’m pretty certain the 72 virgins promised to Osama Bin Laden upon death have taught him to play Dungeons and Dragons by now.

I’ve been thinking of oxymorons ever since I saw “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”.  Some that I’ve thought of…sweet agony, jumbo shrimp, deafening silence, and Walmart choice premium steak.

In case you didn’t know, they offered me the lead role in Magic Mike.  I turned it down.  Sorry, ladies.  It just didn’t seem like the role for me.  Some good has come out of this rejection.  I get to make you laugh and everyone says making a girl laugh is better than being all buff and hot and strippy.

Isn’t it weird that cats hate water and they hate being on fire?  There should be some sort of happy medium there.

They say by the age of 16 that 80% of people have met the person they will marry.  I sure hope I’m in the 20%.  Well I know I’m in the 20%because I haven’t met Kate Upton, Olivia Munn, and Sofia Vergara.  We’re campaigning for Romney so when he wins he’ll redefine marriage.

I think the motto of the cast of Jersey Shore is the same motto on Pokemon: “Gotta catch’em all”.  But on Jersey Shore they are talking about STDs and not little critters.

If you ever wonder if you’re not good enough at something just remember that you didn’t write 50 Shades of Grey so you can’t be that bad.

Warning…if you come across a link that says “Click here to watch the new Twilight trailer”, don’t click it!  It’s a link to the new Twilight trailer.

I think the Constitution got it wrong.  They should rewrite it to make my unalienable rights to be life, liberty, and the pursuit of dope-ass swag.

I watched the movie Juno and there were parts that made me cringe.  I think the worst moment is when Jason Bateman’s character says that the mid 90s were the best time for rock n’roll.  I think that’s when I started exploring bands from the 60s and 70s because I was fed up with the stuff they were playing and telling me it was cool.

I always get nasty looks when I clip my nails while waiting in the doctor’s office.  Come on, people,it’s flip-flop season and my toes can’t look gnarly.

A diet free of meat and animal products may be healthy but you also run the risk of becoming pretentious and bat-shit insane.

What did teenagers do before they had cellphones or cameras to take vain self-shot photos?  I used the instant cameras.  I imagine some before me used Polaroids.  If we keep going back I’m sure that we’ll find out that cave drawings were done by teenagers scratching pictures of themselves on to cave walls.

There are these middle schoolers that live down the block from me that think they are a badass gang because they go around their block drawing swastikas on the sidewalk with chalk. I’ll show them how badass I am by shaking my fist at them while I wash their swastikas away with my garden hose.

Did you know that it is impossible to differentiate the sound of Nicki Minaj rapping/fast talking/ “singing” from me when I’ve seen a spider?

If you think long and hard about it you’ll realize that politicians make their money and fame by kissing ass so they are not better than prostitutes and prostitution is illegal so we should lock up politicians.

Contrary to popular belief, ending a sentence with the word “bitch” does not mean it is hilarious, bitch.

OK I was at Pornhub the other day and I noticed their videos have the Facebook “like” button.  Yes, Pornhub, I want to be the first out of my Facebook friends to like the video“Hot Young Slut Takes it Up the Ass and then in the Mouth”.

I’m just happy that all the so called conservatives that had heart attacks over the Supreme Court’s ruling on Obamacare won’t be denied because of a pre-existing condition. Also I was surprised by all the people claiming they want to move to Canada because of the law passing the Supreme Court.  I wonder what will happen to them if they find out Canada has socialized medicine.  If their heads explode, that will be good because of the pre-existing condition thing.  Also, I got thinking, if it’s so bad that the government is going to force people to buy health insurance why aren’t people complaining about having to buy auto insurance when they drive?  But so help me, if Obama legalizes prostitution, I am so moving to Las Vegas to show my disapproval.  I don’t know why everyone is all up in arms about this.  The government will tax us one way or another.  The worst part of this is that the plotline of Breaking Bad has been ruined.  Now how am I supposed to believe that a teacher can’t get health coverage so he has to start cooking meth to support his family?  And don’t say, “Get another job” because if you had watched that show you would’ve known how he struggled at being a high school chemistry teacher and working at a car wash.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

 

I’m surprised with all the things you can buy on Amazon that they haven’t started selling spouses or true love.

If you use old Taco Bell hot sauce packets to flavor your Ramen, it tastes just like poverty.

I sometimes think Satan hates Christmas because of all the letters he gets from dyslexic kids.

Sometimes I swear just like a 13 year old boy who has unlimited access to premium cable.

Things I’ve learned from Tumblr: when a girl says she’s ugly do not and I repeat DO NOT tell her that you think she’s beautiful.  Apparently telling someone they’re beautiful means you’re a nasty old pervert.

Octomom should become a pornstar but she’d first have to give up 2 kids so she could be Sextomom.

I the Kardashians father didn’t get O.J. Simpson off I’m sure one of the Kardashian girls would’ve gotten him off…repeatedly and on film.

Do you remember that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other rapper has nothing to fast talk about?  Well that’s my style of writing.  I insult myself and my small penis so that none of your words can harm me.

Can you imagine how odd it was when John Travolta ran into Tom Cruise as they were both walking up to Anderson Cooper’s front door with bouquets of flowers in hand?  My mom was sort of shocked that Anderson Cooper was gay but she’s the person who once said that Liberace was a real ladies man.

I don’t like fake people. I haven’t ever since that clerk at the clothing store informed me that the mannequins would not reply to my asking them out on dates.

The only thing I know about pillow talk is when I ask my pillow why can’t I have a girl in here.

I am so disappointed that the movie Savages isn’t a documentary about Randy “Macho Man” Savage and his brother Lanny Poffo.

I understand and believe that Jesus paid for my sins but what sort of Jew would I be if I didn’t get my money’s worth?

Am I anyone’s Xanga crush? Don’t recommend this post if I am your crush.

I think the secret to successful blogging is to post like you’re an alcoholic nymphomaniac homeless person addicted to Xanax but with a sweet side and stellar grammar.

I’m holding a Xanga meet-up at a local Walmart bathroom at3AM in the bathroom.  Just show up wearing a blindfold.

I think Xanga would be hell if Gilbert Gottfried read every single post you opened.

A Xanga user walks into a bar and someone approaches that user and asks if they can buy them a drink. The Xanga user then says, “*You’re and *to”.  Yeah that sounded better in my head.

I got thinking about dying and I’m sort of freaked out by what would happen on Xanga.  So help me if people who aren’t my friends now say anything about me after I’m dead I’m going to come back and haunt them.

I once got an email from a Xangan I won’t name that told me to quit making jokes here because jokes are disrespectful and they only wanted to see me make serious entries and discussions. And you know what I did?  I put my hands up to my mouth and made a long farting noise and said “How’s that for serious?”

I don’t get why people hold grudges on Xanga.  I can’t remember why I blocked 75% of my blocked list.  Maybe I should unblock them.  So many people have victim complexes on Xanga.  It’s pretty sad actually.  I mean there are actual victims out there and people complain that someone on Xanga disagreed with them.  Boo-hoo!  Xanga is Xanga and not fucking Fight Club.  Remember, at the end of the day, Xanga is just a website not your life.

I’m convinced that these jokes are funny and if you don’t laugh it’s because of inferior vocabulary skills on your part or my part…most likely my part.  I figure that most people don't get that first one because people probably don't' remember Married with Children.