Heart is the name of both a band and an organ I can’t live without.
Mitt Romney promised 12 million jobs in his four year term. What he isn’t saying is that 6million jobs will be for India and the other 6 million are for China. Even though I don’t agree with his politics,even I have to admit Mitt Romney’s come a long way since playing Kevin’s older brother on The Wonder Years.
Do you think anyone has ever peed in an Olympic pool?
If God answered prayers then turtles would have Doritos flavored shells.
I would never date a jazz musician because I have such a difficult time staying awake during sax.
Why do people find tans attractive? Damaged skin cells must be so attractive says the guy who can no longer tan.
I always learn so much about Obamacare from arguments on Xanga and Facebook. Now if it was something useful like quantum physics or how to set my damn VCR clock then I’d be set for life.
Breaking news: Snoop Dogg has changed his name to Snoop Lion. The Lion King has changed his name to Ice-T. Ice-T says he has always liked the name “Carl”.
The Olympics are awesome because they are helping to bridge the gap until football season. Also, I look patriotic when I sit alone at the bar while watching the Olympics on the big screen.
Popular people need to remember that their popularity is determined by how much unpopular people like them. I suppose this could be true about Xanga…HAHAHAHA…awesome punchline is awesome.
I hate how people use the phrase “life is short” because it isn’t really and just because there is a slim chance of getting hit by a bus or a car when you cross the street it doesn’t give the right to act irresponsible and jeopardize your future. Now, it’s off to go ply mini-golf in an open field during a thunderstorm. #YOLO
India has been suffering from bouts of no electricity which means that outbursts of singing and dancing in the streets has been reduced to twice daily instead of the usual six times.
Do you ever get the feeling that you could be a meth cook on the set of Breaking Bad and no one would know the difference?
I sort of have a feeling that Kanye West owns a digitally edited version of the Kim Kardashian/Ray J sextape with his face edited over Ray J’s and Kim Kardashian’s.
I’m pretty sure every place that sells corndogs is in favor of gay marriage.
I’m thinking of starting a hardcore rock band and we’ll insert soundbytes of Obama speeches in our songs so our type of music will be called Obamacore. I’m also thinking of naming the band State of the Union.
Do you find it sort of odd that people who supported Chick-Fil-A were out in full force to eat processed chicken and artificially sweetened drinks because they think homosexuality is unnatural? It’s cute how these Christians are pumping their bodies full of bad food while ignoring that whole “your body is a temple” thing. I hear that Subway saw hows uccessful Chick-Fil-A was in generating a non-story so they have decided to drum up business by giving money to white supremacist organizations. I sure hope Mike Huckabee declares this Friday, “Give the Godfather a Blowjob Day”.
I’m not saying my girl is a gold digger but I have caught her on numerous occasions with her finger up her nose.
A gymnast walks into a bar and he’s given a two point deduction which virtually ruins his chances at medaling.
Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a wuss.
This Curiosity Mars rover thing is pretty awesome but they aren’t telling us that they’ve made contact with life. Apparently Brigitte Nielsen and Gary Busey are a happy couple on Mars. Next week,NASA’s explorer, Bi-Curiosity, will land on Uranus. I also imagine that the old Mars rovers are telling Curiosity that back in the day they had to travel to Mars uphill both ways. George W. Bush was quoted assaying, “Mars? That’s not impressive. I wanted to put men on the moon.” So when does it overthrow the Martian government and start drilling for oil? I’m thinking of dressing as Curiosity for Halloween so I can crawl allover chicks.
Michael Phelps said he’s not going near water ever again. I wonder if that includes drinking and water pipes.
I was sort of disappointed to hear the Jamaican national anthem. I was certain it was going to be a Bob Marley song.
Jerry Sandusky said he is distraught to hear about the sanctions that Penn State faces because of his shameful antics. “What a shame,”said no one.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
Apparently Ryan Lochte’s parents are facing foreclosure. I guess he’s not the only one underwater in their family.
Did you know the reason why the Chinese are winning so many medals is because that guarantees them at least one day off per year at the Apple factory?
You’d think a guy standing in line at the gas station would be flattered to be mistaken for Cee-lo Green. Well, you’d be wrong.
Imagine all the hell you could raise if you went to Walmart dressed in a blue polo and khaki pants.
It never fails. Whenever I go to church to make fake IDs for my neighbor someone always wants to use the laminating machine.
I always think it’s weird to see dogs sniffing each other’s butts on purpose until I remember that people pay money to smell like Axe Body Spray.
Did you know that in the Canadian version of Super Mario Brothers it takes 135 coins to get an extra life? HAHAHAHA…a money exchange rate joke! I’ve really sunk to new lows.
I don’t know what God was thinking when he designed the penis. Couldn’t the scrotum be a little nicer type of sac sort of like a Crown Royal bag? Also flaccid penises should be rolled up and when they become erect they should unroll and go “HONK” like a party favor.
I took an IQ test. Should I be worried that it came back negative?
I heard that The White Stripes and The Black Keys are collaborating on a new album. The name of their band will be A Piano.
Boobs are to men as laser pointers are to cats.
I have the body of a female Olympic weightlifter.
They say misery loves company but for me I’m miserable when I have company.
What would I do for a Klondike bar? I’d wait for someone to walk to the kitchen and then ask them to bring me one.
Not getting caught while masturbating is the only thing I’m really good at. Too bad it’s not an Olympic sport.
I hope my future wife is following me on Xanga because I’d hate to describe everything once again. Also are there any women who want the first dance at your wedding to be to “Hoes in Different Area Codes”?
New Xanga motto: Those who can, do and those who can’t come to Xanga and bitch about those that do.
The people who kiss ass on Xanga have made this site into the internet’s version of Human Centipede.
I tried using Xanga on my phone and it was sort of like trying to eat spaghetti with a spoon.
Just because someone on Xanga doesn’t respect you doesn’t give you the right to disrespect them and if you think they are such horrible people and then you post hate about them then you’ve stooped to their level. God, sometimes I feel like I’m the Ward Cleever of Xanga.
When did Xanga collectively decide to stop using punctuation like when did this happen why is this a thing did it happen while I was gone oh well I guess I will get used to it now that you mention it I like it because it makes this sentence look smooth just like a river with whitewater rapids
Xanga is like the Olympics. Even if you are the best in the world, you’ve wasted your life perfecting a worthless skill.
Actually I am Ashton Kutcher and you all have been punk’d!
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