I watched the Hatfield and McCoy movie from History Channel on DVD and now I have the strong desire to make moonshine, spit to indicate anger, and use the word “tarnations” at random.

Man this Chevron fire is awful.  They are destroying our ecosystem and polluting our environment.  It’s irresponsible and as a way to show my disgust I will no longer buy Chevron products.  I’m only going to get my gas at BP now.

So it looks like the Pope has dropped the ban on condoms.  Any Catholic ladies up for some ecumenical fun?  I am single and ready to Christian mingle.

I imagine the day we drown our robot masters after they become self-aware will look an awful lot like synchronized swimming.

As I watched the closing ceremonies of the Olympics I finally heard One Direction and I said to myself, “So that’s what One Direction sounds like,” as I clenched my fists and narrowed my eyebrows and the scars in my hands flared with pain.

I’m pretty sure the janitors in London are reassembling the face of John Lennon into something obscene right as you read this.

The U.S.won the most medals followed by China and Russia.  Why? Because commies never win and they never will, that’s why.  All you have to do is watch any 80s movie to understand that.  They quickly chirp back that America has the highest obesity rate in the world. That’s because we have the highest freedom rates and our bodies are housing all that freedom.

I saw a show on National Geographic Channel called Doomsday Preppers.  I myself have become a Doomsday prepper.  I’m not preparing fo rDoomsday by buying all sorts of food, water, and ammunition.  I’m preparing a very special post filled with December 21^st jokes.

I wonder if Tim Tebow has paid a visit to Chick-Fil-A lately.  I bet he hasn’t because ESPN hasn’t aired any coverage.  I wish ESPN would realize there are 30 other teams in the NFL besides the Denver Broncos and New York Jets.

Since I am alone and looking for fun, I’m going to buy some parrots and teach them every curse word in the book so that way they’ll start shouting out their curses and my neighbors will call the police thinking I’m having a fight with another human.  The police will visit my house investigating a domestic disturbance.  Hopefully the police officer is a lady cop.

I’m not making accusations but I’m just saying that you never see Paul Ryan and the Hamburglar in the same place.  I also think that the Romney/Ryan campaign is one big J. Crew or Abercrombie commercial.

I’ve had dreams of my death lately.  I die of a stroke while listening to The Strokes.  I usually say, “Oh my gosh,this is totally ironic.”  Everyone around me hears, “GURGLEAHWOADFASNKLFAU” because I’m having a stroke.

I know I make a lot of typos in these posts.  I usually blame it on how when you paste in an MS Word doc into the text editor a lot of the words get bunched together.  The thing is I’m always multitasking.  Typing and being awesome is a difficult thing to balance.

I just got really depressed and started crying for the strangest reason ever.  I will never fart in a wedding dress.

I sometimes get the feeling that Fifty Shades of Grey was written by the high school counselor on Freaks and Geeks.  Oh in other news, I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey.

No matter how beautiful you are there’s always going to be someone out there who will find you ugly just because they have to be contrarian.  And that explains so much Xanga drama.

Most of Amsterdam smells like what mine and my brother’s room would smell like after we watched Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah it got so bad because I didn’t have a brother.

I’m trying to figure out how I can get one of those Miley Cyrus or Ryan Seacrest jobs where you’re paid just to exist.

I have a Wikipedia page and I edited my nickname to be Axel Hardcock and my source is “your mom”.

I think the reason so many radical feminists hate men is because there’s never a line for the men’s room.

When I say, “I feel you,” I mean that I feel your vibes on a deep and spiritual basis like as if we are connected and I’m fingering your soul.

The head of lettuce that I’ve stored in my refrigerator was so wet I could only assume it was looking at naked photos of me.

If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry.  2.  It will never happen again.  3.  #1and 2 are lies.  4.  You should get off the internet.

If you ever feel that you can’t like up to others’ expectations, try walking a mile in Doug Pitt’s shoes.

If I ever re-post jokes from older posts don’t get offended.  I recycle jokes because Al Gore said something about reducing my humor footprint.  He even made a cute PowerPoint about it.  It won him a middle school science fair blue ribbon.

Things I like about fall: leaves change color, rain, cloudy skies, hoodies, hot apple cider, pumpkin patches, Halloween, and the fact that when you step outside it doesn’t feel like you walked right into Satan’s asshole.

I’ve found that the best way to get people to follow the Bible is to write verses in blood on their doors.  Who knew pig’s blood could be such a powerful motivator?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I was thinking of starting a challenge here.  If you pick any Disney animated character and search through Google images with the character’s name and Rule 34 and you don’t find any porn then you win the internet.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were woken up by someone breaking into your house and your leg had fall asleep so you’d have to get away with a gimpy leg?  These are things that keep me up at night making sure all my guns are loaded and my legs don’t fall asleep.

I was listening to Hoarders and the woman was so pathetic.  I just wish I could see what she looks like but these old newspapers, Pepsi cans, liquor bottles, baby dolls, and plastic bags are blocking my TV.

My “walk of shame” is when I walk back to the McDonald’s counter and order two McDoubles to go. Like I’m fooling anyone into thinking that I’m going to eat them later.

I was thinking I should do more sex jokes but sex jokes aren’t funny, I mean, cum on people!

A lot of people have told me that The Shining is a horror movie.  I never saw it as something scary.  The scariest thing about that movie was the carpet patterns.  Yes, that was a carpet pattern comment!  Take that for what you will but I love women.

There is nothing better than when a love song plays during a fight scene in an action movie because you know that something big is going to happen and by big it usually involves boobs.

I think we should all join together and bully bullying until it kills itself and then we start bullying the people who claim to be open-minded but won’t listen to or recognize other people’s opinions.

I sometimes pretend to like bands just to seem cool and impress people.  I would always drop the line, “But their older stuff was much better”. And that always made people think I was a true fan.  So now you can use that bit of information to impress people.

Yeah, I’m eating a sandwich on the couch.  Yeah, the crumbs are falling into the cracks between the cushions.  Yeah, bugs are going to come because they’re attracted to those crumbs.  No, I don’t care because I’m punk.  Now to go pay my bills in a timely manner.

Have you ever wondered how celebrities date?  Do they just go up to each other and say,“I’m a fan of your work,” and then they bang? Where do I sign up?

I forget, is it good or bad when your poop sinks to the bottom of the toilet?  Like you needed to finish what you were eating.

I put a slice of baloney in my DVD player and it started playing Babe.

I think the best way women can password protect everything so their male significant others can’t access their accounts is to use your birthday as the password.

I never quite understood the Jedi mind.  It’s weird that a Jedi can detect a planet being blown up on the other side of the galaxy but he can’t tell he’s kissing his sister.

My girlfriend told me she’s more comfortable making eye contact with me when she’s giving me a blowjob than when she’s trying to tell me about how her day went.

I think we shouldn’t date people on Xanga unless you can give that person more validation than their other Xanga friends.

I like when teenagers give advice on Datingish.  My socks have more experience than you.  Go play on a tire swing and live life before you tell others how to live.

There is nothing more pussyish than blocking a Xangan and then going around Xanga telling everyone to report it.  Just keep telling yourself that you really changed the planet while you wait for President Obama to hand you the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Xanga is an awesome name for an insane asylum.