Do you think Mitt Romney knows how to pump his own gas?
I was checking out twitter and stumbled upon Queen Latifah. Did you know she was a rapper?
Vote for me for president in 2012. I’ll give butt implants to the assless and breast implants to girls who pervy guys wish had bigger breasts. Oh and abortion, lower taxes, tax returns, immigration, Chick-Fil-A.
Girls don’t like nerds. I have to face facts. These Magic: The Gathering cards aren’t going to get my dick sucked.
The best type of chicks are the ones who get offended at being called chicks. I remember a friend who called a girl a chick and she had a mental breakdown and started screaming that she wasn’t a chicken and then she started clucking. People had to drag her away. That was the greatest thing I ever saw at church.
It’s been really hard to gain eprops in this economy.
One of my dreams as a kid was that I’d become a despotic ruler and conquer a people and use the skull of one of their leaders as a bowl to drink and eat things out of. Sigh…I guess there’s still time to achieve my dreams.
I think I’m going to be disappointed when the new Bond villain isn’t a Saudi oil baron who has an army of guards wearing track suits and carrying gold plated guns with encrusted diamonds on the grips. Why do I set myself up for such disappointment?
I tend to judge people based on how they hang their toilet paper on the roll. And also how uptight they are because I break into their houses in the middle of the night to find out how they hang their toilet paper.
Did you know President Obama was born on August 6th1961? It’s very strange because August +4 + 1 + 96+ 1 = 420. 420! I don’t think Barack will be able to sweet talk his way out of this one. Man, I have to quit writing these after smoking weed because for a while there I thought “August” was a number.
Vegans are calling people who eat meat “bloodmouths”. One of my exgirlfriends called me that and refused to kiss me because of it.
A woman I know got wooden breast implants. This joke doesn’t have a punchline but it would be funny if there was one, wooden tit? Also I ate two pieces of string this afternoon and two hours later they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
You know some days I can crank out these jokes like a factory using illicit Chinese child labor but then there are some days where my joke writing is like a factory in the United States where the union is on strike.
I’m sort of worried when the next generation starts running for high office. Imagine the scandals because of all the Facebook fights and nude pics that got traded. God bless America.
You know in 2016 it’s going to be pretty interesting to see how the Republicans will act when the Democrats throw out a white guy for president. It seems like their big strategy is talking down the President because he and his wife are black Muslim terrorists from Kenya. How are they going to handle a dude that looks like them? Will both sides actually have to discuss the issues?
I got escorted out for my Fozie Bear impression, consisting of me telling bad jokes and wearing nothing but a hat and tie. That was the absolute worst Subway restaurant ever. I’m never going back there because they are so judgmental and seriously that 6 inch sandwich has to be longer than 6 inches.
A friend once told me there was nothing better in this world than holding his girlfriend’s hand in his hand. I said, “Shit, son, you’ve never been to a Chinese restaurant when they bring out fresh crab rangoons.” Is there any wonder why I’m single?
I hate how they have special parking spots for environmentally friendly cars. I’ll just park my SUV in one and leave it running with the air conditioner on and the windows running while I go shopping at Walmart.
This week millions of men erased their name from the Free Pussy Riot petitions when they learned what it meant.
Did you know “Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan” is an anagram for“My ultimate Ayn Rand porn”?
Imagine yourself playing hockey and someone from the other team comes up and checks you so hard it knocks you down and then you realize you’ve lost your front teeth. You are bleeding profusely and see all the blood on the ice along with your teeth. Then the guy who knocked them out comes and skates to you and stops sending ice in your face. You realize it’s your dentist and he says to you, “That wouldn’t have happened if you flossed more.” Then he skates off into the sunset laughing maniacally.
I wonder if Kim Kardashian has gotten used to Kanye West shouting out his own name during sex.
Why do they call it “Adult Swim” when you have to be 12 to get the humor on some of the shows?
I’m pretty sure that movie Sparkle would’ve went straight to DVD if Whitney Houston hadn’t died.
Does anyone remember Tim Tebow? ESPN hasn’t reported on him in 15 seconds so he must be dead.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
People ask me how I am so funny. Simple answer is I think of something dumb and then I say it.
I sort of wish people dated like birds. Like if I wanted a girl I’d dress in bright colors and dance to get her attention. Man, if only I had a time machine to travel back to the 80s.
I was sort of shocked to find out that a whole season of South Park has passed and I knew nothing of it. I guess this means I finally understand the Blink-182 song “Dammit (Growing Up)”.
No, I can’t help you with your taxes but if you ever need to know the order of the U.S.presidents or the capitals of the states in the U.S., I’m your man.
I want a love story similar to Cloverfield. Someone would risk their life while a giant monster ravages the city to come find me. I doubt people would come looking for me if they were suffering from something like a hangnail or papercut.
Whatever happened to the Occupy movement? Did they go home to occupy their own streets?
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and we can’t print out or instantly get the food we see on the internet. I blame Obama.
Meryl Streep is such a phenomenal actress. She could play the Hulk and you’d believe it. She could play Obama and make it believable. She could be the Little Mermaid and we’d lavish her with awards. She could play my mom and then I’d actually love her. Meryl could portray a rock and her performance would bring me to tears. She could play me and do a much better job being me than me.
I still think the reason my love life is in shambles is because I never forwarded any of those chain emails.
90% of the music from, mainstream or otherwise, from any given time period is very awful and with that I have ended all internet music debates.
If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,”then I’d have 10 cents for this post.
You are going to love all the 9/11 and Japanese earthquakes jokes I’ll be able to post in 2015 when we can laugh at that stuff.
The 10th person to recommend this post gets an expired coupon for Burger King.
Before I had Xanga, I used to make jokes on the CB radio…over.
Xanga has a way of making me feel like I’m not the only guy sitting at home staring at a computer screen wearing nothing but underwear.
I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found. Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”
I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise
“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons
Xanga is a great place to worry about how all the people we don’t know will judge us.
People have Xanga crushes on everyone who isn’t me.
All my snobbiness aside, it is pretty shitty when you block someone on Xanga because they like Nickelback, wear Crocs, or have different political views than you.
Studies have found that 70% of Xanga users are hoping that a Chick-Fil-A is bombed so there can be something to stir up drama on Xanga.
I may not have thousands of friends on Xanga or hundreds of commenters but I’m thankful for those I have because you put up with all my shit and not rating my site EX because you have some sort of vendetta against me because we don't share the same opinions on politics.
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