Time to jump on another Xanga bandwagon.

If I were a month, I would be February because I am cold and dead.
If I were a time of the day, 3AM because that's the time I usually go to sleep every day or 6AM when I wake up most days.
If I were a planet, Venus because it rhymes with penis and I could make awesome limericks like:
There once was a young man from Venus
Who had a very immense penis
He showed the earthling girls his cock
A few fainted and others exclaimed in shock
That was one hell of a dick, by Jesus!

If I were a sea animal, I would be an octopus because then I’d have more than two arms to masturbate with
If I were a direction, I would be the French directions when all you can read is English.
If I were a liquid, I would be J&B
If I were a gemstone, I would be coal…coal can be a gemstone
If I were a tree, I would be a cherry tree and so help me if that Washington kid comes near me there will never be a USA
If I were a tool, I would be hammer
If I were a flower, I would be a lupine
If I were a kind of weather, I would be a blizzard
If I were a musical instrument, I would be a keytar .
If I were a color, I would be blue because I am alone
If I were an emotion, I would be repressed rage
If I were a fruit, I would be a pomegranate…ugly on the outside but filled with beautiful and tasty seeds?
If I were a sound, I would be a queef from a porn star after she broke a gangbang record
If I were an element, I would be all the Planeteers powers because once they are combined then I become Captain Planet then I can rule the universe.
If I were a car, I would be one that didn’t have a dead battery like the one sitting in my driveway.  WHY THE HELL CAN’T YOU WORK ON A DAY WHERE I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT!?!?!?!
If I were a place, I would be Germany or Granddad’s Bluff
If I were a material, I would be teflon
If I were a scent, I would be gasoline and apple cider
If I were an animal, I would be a wolf
If I were an object, I would be lusted after by women who objectified me
If I were a body part, I would be the mustaches the Beatles grew when they dropped acid
If I were a facial expression, I would be a look that says “What the hell did he just say?”
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be a pair of size 17 EEEE steel toed work boots
If I were a movie genre, I would be porn or comedy or pornedy
If I were a font, I would be Corleone

I so want the title of Wurst Baron

And #1 in horrible NFL teams named the Bears

Don't know if I should smile or retch

Big Brother finally gettin' good after all these weeks.

Sic transit gloria.  Glory fades.  I'm Max Fischer.

#Xanga

I know who I'm voting for

This is a deleted scene from The Real Housewives of Oscar Meyer

After living a hard life, Raggedy Ann's name is no longer cute but all too fitting

After Northern Exposure ended, the moose in the opening credits faded away only to be arrested on drug charges and sent to rehab.

Oh Luther, you Schnickelfritz

You'd have a callus on your foot that big too if it was your job to kick Lindsay Lohan's ass out of bed in the morning.

This is the beach where Mexican wrestlers girlfriends go to while their boyfriends are busy wrestling.

Damn...that $2 bootleg copy of Mulan was too good to be true.

Hey, I just met you and I am crazy but you play football so won't you sign my baby?

Have a great night.