Hey I started this post at 11:11.  I wish that it will be on the front page...hahaha...*spits with disgust* tarnations!  Sorry I've been watching Hatfields and McCoys.

Tim Tebow turned 25 this week.  I hate this guy.  There I said it.  I can't stand all the coverage he gets on ESPN.  He shouldn't have gotten all the credit for the Broncos run last year.  Their defense kept them in those games.  I feel like I'm wasting keystrokes on this second string quarterback but I know some of my female readers find him attractive and I love my female readers.

Sir Mix-a-Lot turned 49 this week.  There was no word on whether or not his birthday was celebrated by the queen with booty shaking.  Why would the queen booty shake?  Because Sir Mix-a-Lot is a knight.  You can't just give yourself the title of "sir" and he likes big butts therefore he is unable to lie.

Ron Palillo, best known for his role as Arnold Horshack on Welcome Back Kotter, died this week at the age of 63.  His friend found him at a home they shared in Florida.  He died of an apparent heart attack.  Ron was a heavy smoker and was scheduled to visit the doctor later in the week because of a horrible cough that he couldn't shake.  Besides being on the entire run of Welcome Back Kotter, Ron was also on a few episodes of Ellen and he did voice work on the cartoon Darkwing Duck.  I think the thing I remember him most for was punching Screech in the face on Celebrity Boxing.  Rest in peace, Arnold Dingfelder Horshack.  You were always my favorite sweathog.

In an interview for Keanu Reeves new documentary Side by Side, director David Fincher claims that Robert Downey Jr. urinated in jars and left them laying all over the set of Zodiac to protest working overtime.  You'd think in this economy, Downey would appreciate the work.  In Fincher's defense, he is known to be a perfectionist who sometimes makes actors do a scene over 200 times just to get it right.  Maybe Downey was pissing out of fear since they never caught the Zodiac killer.  Supposedly the guy they believe did it is no longer with us but I don't want to be out picnicking with a girlfriend and a guy in a KKK/ninja get-up comes to stab me and then sends out coded messages to newspapers.  NO SIREE BOB!  Robert Downey Jr. probably used a jar because he didn't want to go to the bathroom alone.

Robert De Niro turned 69 this week.  He is one of the most amazing actors of our time.  If you doubt me, watch Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Cape Fear, and The Deer Hunter.  Granted you'll probably be messed up after watching all of those in a row but it's worth it to see his brilliance on the screen.

If you live under a rock then you probably didn't know that Miley Cyrus got her hair cut this week.  I don't know why this got such media attention.  Of all the comments I saw about her haircut the top one came from a fake Twitter account and it made me laugh uncontrollably.  It looks like she got a reverse Justin Bieber mullet and she looks like a chipmunk.  She also sort of looks like a South Park character named Butters.  A rapper by the name of Tyler the Creator also took to twitter and said "Your barber is an asshole."  Miley is upset with the cut because she supposedly spent good money for it because the guy who cut her hair was the guy who created Jennifer Anistion's famous "Rachel" cut.  The good news about the haircut is that she donated the hair to a cancer charity that makes wigs for cancer patients.  So I guess whoever gets her wig will also get a contact high. 

Mila Kunis turned 29 this week.  Hot Family Guy Ted That 70s Show hot hot hot.  Yeah I've pretty much said that every time I talk about Mila but something this week has been bothering me.  When does a woman become a cougar?  At what age does this happen?  I've always wondered.

Lindsay Lohan was spotted soaking up the sun at the beach this week.  It's a good thing.  She needed a break from all her work and her new relationship with pornstar James Deen and his monster hog.  How can Lidnsay afford to take a break?  Apparently she's made $2million so far this year, half of which came from her spread for Playboy and the rest coming from her three movies: Liz and Dick, The Canyon, and the next Scary Movie.  Lindsay was also suing rapper Pitbull because he used her name in one of his "songs".  The lyrics went "(Hustlers move aside, so I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin' - I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan".  Well her legal team are trying to abandon the case because Pitbull's legal team has accused them of plagiarism because in written arguments Pitbull's legal team said that Lohan's lawyers lifted items directly from internet gossip sites.  Gee I hope they used my site and I can be flown to L.A. to be a character witness because I am quite the character.  But wait a consarn cotton pickin' minute, does this mean her law team are no good charlatans who distort facts and play the blame game?  That's a surprise since they represent a no good charlatan who distorts the facts, plays the blame game and can snort a pile of cocaine the size of Mount Everest.  OK I made some of that up.  I don't know if Lindsay distorts facts all or some of the time. 

Lindsay was also spotted out shopping this week.  I hope she was shopping for a bra because it looks like she's got a side butt on her torso there.  I think it's time for all of us who fight for truth, justice, and the American way to write off Lindsay Lohan.  She is untouchable.  Did you know that her name is written in the stalls of the FBI and IRS bathrooms and her nickname is "The Teflon Skank" and "Herpes Capone"?  I'm calling off the dogs.  Anyone that can make money while committing crimes is A-OK in my book.  Nope, I'm kidding.  Go play in traffic.

And this is for @aloysius_son Kerri Walsh Jennings, beach volleyball player extraordinaire, turned 34 this week.  There is your beach volleyball.  I hope you're happy now.  I didn't want to post beach volleyball photos because I want to bring credibility to the sport and make people realize that these people are athletes and not just eye candy for Bills fans.  Yeah I went there.  They lost to the Vikings...THE VIKINGS! 

Living in the waterpark capital of the world, you see this quite a bit.  I sometimes just walk around the grounds of Noah's Ark or Mt. Olympus because I know I'm going to see boobs or butts spring free because of waterslides.  God, I'm a pervert...sigh...I am so alone.  Anyway, Katy Perry was at Raging Waters in San Dimas, CA this week and she had a wardrobe malfunction.  She flashed her white ass to everyone and by white I mean WHITE.  The Curiosity on Mars detected that bright ass.  You'd think she'd be mortified that her bare ass was seen by millions.  Well you'd think wrong because in the 21st century there is no shame.  She took to Twitter and made a cheeky comment: "Let's be fair, I really think I deserve a season pass for that ass. Oh, and some flip flops".  A representative from Raging Waters tweeted MTV News this: "FYI-We're sending @katyperry a Season Pass, flip flops, & a new swimsuit."  You know, I like Katy.  She could've painted herself as a victim and had a breakdown just like Scarlet Johansson but she took it in stride.  Katy's ass gave that waterpark more advertising than any Super Bowl ad could've done.  So does she deserve a free pass and flip flops?  Yes and she also deserves a big, veiny free pass from me.

Jennifer Anistion must've made a pact with the devil himself because she is now engaged to Justin Theroux.  She can now take "Single Ladies" off of repeat on her iPod.  Justin proposed to her this week on HIS birthday.  What better birthday present to give yourself than to promise your life away?  Twenty bucks says he tricks her out of signing a pre-nup.  I bet the ring he got her cost exactly $250,001 because the ring Brad Pitt gave Angelina Jolie cost $250,000.  No matter how successful she is he will always be looking in her rearview at Brad and Angelina. 

Hulk Hogan turned 59 this week.  It's hard to believe that he's that old because just yesterday it seems like I remember him bodyslamming Andre the Giant and teaming with Mr. T and beating Iron Sheik for the title and the Megapowers and Dave and Earl Hebner and having his chest caved in by Earthquake and Million Dollar Man and the Ultimate Warrior and Brother Love and The Undertaker.  WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE 24 INCH PYTHONS AND HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ALL OVER YOU...BROTHER!

A headline caught my eye this week and it was "Co-Founder of Crocs gets DUI, blames Taylor Swift".  Meet George Boedecker, co-founder of the Crocs shoes line.  He should be thrown in jail for that last sentence.  He was arrested in Boulder, CO last weekend for being behind the wheel of his Porsche and on the wrong side of drunk.  When interrogated by police George showed he was a graduate of the Randy Travis school of drunken tomfoolery.  When he was pulled over George tried to tell police that he wasn't driving but his girlfriend Taylor Swift was.  He said that Taylor is batshit crazy and they got into an argument causing her to jump out of the car and running off.  The police asked where Taylor ran to so George pointed at someone's lawn and said "Nashville".  The laughs didn't end there.  The police asked for his address and George replied, "I have 17 fucking homes."  Who knew plastic shoes could be so lucrative?  When asked if he'd take a sobriety test George answered, "I'm not doing your fucking maneuvers!"  The police put him in cuffs and George said he couldn't believe they'd do that after all he's done for the city.  He also declared them enemies for life and would take all their badges.  The real punishment would be if he forced them to do their job in Crocs.  I find it funny that George sort of looks like an orange Croc.  I also like that Taylor Swift this week has been seen going on dates with a member of the Kennedy family which is just a diversion because she's obviously dating George.  I imagine that since Taylor Swift has a track record of writing passive aggressive songs about exboyfriends she'll probably write one about George and it will be called either "Crocs of my Heart" or "Crocodile Crack Rock".

I didn't know Flava Flav worked but he forgot to pay taxes from 2004 to 2006 and owes nearly $1million.  Wait, you have to pay taxes every year?  He made money from The Surreal Life, Strange Love, and Flavor of Love.  I can understand William Jonathon Drayton (AKA Flava Flav) didn't pay taxes.  Can you imagine being this guy's accountant?  "Mr. Flav, I advise you not to buy that diamond encrusted Viking helmet or the platinum clock and necklace."  To which Flava Flav replies, "YEAAAAAAHHHHH BOOOOOYYYEEEEE!"  "OK, Mr. Flav, meeting adjourned."  Yelling that at the top of your lungs will get you your way just about every time except when it's a parole hearing and Flava Flav can attest to that.

Dominique Swain turned 32 this week.  I'm still waiting on an answer from the cougar question.  Maybe Mr. @aloysius_son will have an answer for us as soon as he stops ogling beach volleyball players.  They are legitimate athletes trying to make their way in a perverted world.  I wish people showed them a little more respect as they play volleyball in clothing that barely covers their genitals. 

One of the players on my most hated in the NFL list gave me a new reason to hate him this week and this hatred is for something that to me is unforgivable.  Evelyn Lozada got into an argument with Chad Ochocinco or is it Johnson this week?  It is Johnson this week.  Anyway they got into an argument last weekend and Chad headbutted his wife and that should be assault with a deadly weapon because look at that prominent forehead.  Apparently the argument started when Evelyn found a receipt for condoms in Chad's vehicle.  He then headbutted her, she had lacerations and had to be rushed to the hospital for stitches.  Chad claims it was an accident but he was booked for domestic battery.  He also said that he was driving around the neighborhood looking for her so he could calm her down because he also claims she headbutted him.  And maybe just hours later, Chad was released by the Miami Dolphins.  The funny thing about this is that on the HBO series Hard Knocks, Johnson bragged that he was going to get arrested.  Chad also lost his job with VH1.  They were set to film a reality series surrounding Chad and Evelyn called "Ev and Ocho".  I had a video of Chad being released by the Dolphins but it was taken off youtube.  I bet that person was scared of Chad headbutting him while wearing his helmet.  And Evelyn has beat Kim Kardashian.  She filed for divorce just 6 weeks after marrying Johnson.  To make it really sting she should've filed for divorce 85 days after they were married. 

Amanda Bynes is doing great.  She recently had more car trouble and by car trouble I don't mean she killed anyone with her car or got pulled over for drunk driving once again.  She ran out of gas.  According Flynet, she walked to a nearby gas station, BORROWED money for a gas can, and convinced a clerk to pump gas for her and walk back to her car to fill it up.  Then she left the gas cap open as she sped off.  And I can only presume she sped off to sell her body for cash so she could pay the gas station.  How is that possible?  Didn't she make good money when she was on Nickelodeon?  Oh wait, that was many years ago and many plastic surgeries ago.

Alec Baldwin is still an asshole.  Yes, I know, it's hard to believe that Alec Baldwin is still being an asshole and no I'm not confusing him with that other Alec Baldwin.  Usually when a person goes to church it's for peace, worship, and reflection.  But that isn't the case if Alec Baldwin goes to your church.  Some of the parishioners at Most Holy Trinity parish in East Hampton, NY got so fed up with Baldwin that when he got up to give a reading during a recent service, they stood up and turned their backs to him.  One source inside the church said that Alec likes to be the center of attention...well duh...and routinely stands up to read from the pulpit.  People are sick of Baldwin even though he's given large amounts of money to the church.  They say they want to go to church and not see a movie star in the pulpit.  See there's their problem, they consider him to be a movie star and not a dickhead asshole.  Once they start referring to him as a dickhead asshole he'll probably move along.  It's worked for some people here on Xanga.

And with that, have a good weekend you awesome people who I hope do not consider me to be a dickhead asshole.

I'm gonna come to your house on the back of a horse with abunch of villagers carrying torches most of whom dislike monsters

1.  Now that the Olympics are over I can share these links about the Olympics and not feel like I'm jumping on that whole Olympics bandwagon.  I should probably throw a big thank you out to the people at mental floss.  First up is a collection of 5 Olympians who sold their gold medals.

2.  Here's a collection of the 11 craziest events in Olympic history.

3.  Here's a collection of 4 times Olympians refused their medals.  Gosh, the #1 is so amazing.  It's no wonder they refused them.

4.  Here are 6 stories of Olympians who stored their medals in interesting places.

5.  Remember the Dan and Dave ad campaign?  Well here's the story.  I remember it quite well because my dad had posters all over his shoe store and it all became a big nothing.

6.  Here's a collection of Olympic defectors.

7.  Have you ever sat up at night wondering what your favorite superhero would look like if he was a manatee?  Well now you can get some sleep because here is a collection of superheroes re-imagined as manatees.

8.  Here's a handy guide you could use to teach yourself or your parents about how to use twitter.  It's called Mom this is how Twitter Works.

9.  I've come to be a student of history and I have really loved studying about life during the time of World War II.  One thing that always interests me are the propaganda posters.  Here's a collection of some of the posters that are a bit over the top.

10.  Someone alerted me to this this evening.  You can buy Dunder Mifflin paper.  Now if I could just spend a weekend at Schrute Farms.

11.  I don't know if this is a hoax or not but it sounds pretty interesting.  This company called Rayfish Footwear will raise rayfish for you and then use them to make a customized pair of shoes for you...as long as you have a few thousand dollars for shoes.

12.  Here's a fun quiz to see who you should vote for.  It's called iSideWith.  I was and wasn't shocked with my results.

I didn't side with this guy

It's been killing me the last few days to say who Ryan reminds me of.  I finally got it.

Yeah that's about right.

All politics aside...how do you mistake "hay" for "hey"? 

Wussy, I make it all in one trip.

Dough nuts

This guy, this is the guy right here.

You tell her Dr. Rockzo.


Dear makers of Mountain Dew, do not let the internet name your crappy products.

I bet it only reaches the roof.

This is the coolest post ever.  Have a good night.

If the "gh" in "enough" is pronounced as "f" and the "o" in "women" makes the short "i" sound and the "ti" in "nation" is pronounced with the "sh" sound then the word "fish" can be spelled "ghoti" and if the "gh" in "though" is silent along with the "o" in "people" and the "t" in "ballet" along with the "i" in "business" then the word "ghoti" is silent and that means there are no fish.  Welcome to the English language, bitches.  Sorry saw that on Tumblr and remembered the first time I ever taught spelling class. 
Anyway, I'm bummed tonight. 

It's filled with Lady Gaga and One Direction cds.

Be careful, dem hoes will bury you one day

I guess that is why I'm so depressed.  I am nowhere near Ludacris.

I think Usain Bolt would lose to the majority of these stereotypes I mean characters.

I think I have something to keep me occupied while everyone is having fun with their contests.

It's always fun driving through the Amish settlements and watching the Amish and Amlets using skateboards and inline skates.

Buy One, Get One Free

מדוע אני אפילו לנסות להתיידד באתר זה אין לי שמץ של מושג. אני בספק אם אתה בכלל אכפת.

Pee Wee always wins just as long as he gets his bike out of storage from the basement at the Alamo.

Synchronized Squirting or Charlie Sheen goddess tryouts?

Revenge is a dish best served cold and covered in parsley.

It's a Scare-Cruise.  It keeps closeted Toms away.

I should probably start using that quote on dating sites although I have teeth.

Oh Wonka, you're so funny.

I think we should start protesting that the government legalize plural marriage. 

Oh Hank, you're so smart.

I think this guy sees women as nothing more than objects.

Since I can't be a part of any Xanga contest I'm going to do my own.  Print this out and color it.  Hopefully someone tolerates me.

Maybe I'm glad I don't take part in any of those contests.

Fucking' a, Dude.  I'm off to have a Caucasian or three and hopefully by then I'm passed out or lit up so much that I decide to go work on my art project.

I watched the Hatfield and McCoy movie from History Channel on DVD and now I have the strong desire to make moonshine, spit to indicate anger, and use the word “tarnations” at random.

Man this Chevron fire is awful.  They are destroying our ecosystem and polluting our environment.  It’s irresponsible and as a way to show my disgust I will no longer buy Chevron products.  I’m only going to get my gas at BP now.

So it looks like the Pope has dropped the ban on condoms.  Any Catholic ladies up for some ecumenical fun?  I am single and ready to Christian mingle.

I imagine the day we drown our robot masters after they become self-aware will look an awful lot like synchronized swimming.

As I watched the closing ceremonies of the Olympics I finally heard One Direction and I said to myself, “So that’s what One Direction sounds like,” as I clenched my fists and narrowed my eyebrows and the scars in my hands flared with pain.

I’m pretty sure the janitors in London are reassembling the face of John Lennon into something obscene right as you read this.

The U.S.won the most medals followed by China and Russia.  Why? Because commies never win and they never will, that’s why.  All you have to do is watch any 80s movie to understand that.  They quickly chirp back that America has the highest obesity rate in the world. That’s because we have the highest freedom rates and our bodies are housing all that freedom.

I saw a show on National Geographic Channel called Doomsday Preppers.  I myself have become a Doomsday prepper.  I’m not preparing fo rDoomsday by buying all sorts of food, water, and ammunition.  I’m preparing a very special post filled with December 21^st jokes.

I wonder if Tim Tebow has paid a visit to Chick-Fil-A lately.  I bet he hasn’t because ESPN hasn’t aired any coverage.  I wish ESPN would realize there are 30 other teams in the NFL besides the Denver Broncos and New York Jets.

Since I am alone and looking for fun, I’m going to buy some parrots and teach them every curse word in the book so that way they’ll start shouting out their curses and my neighbors will call the police thinking I’m having a fight with another human.  The police will visit my house investigating a domestic disturbance.  Hopefully the police officer is a lady cop.

I’m not making accusations but I’m just saying that you never see Paul Ryan and the Hamburglar in the same place.  I also think that the Romney/Ryan campaign is one big J. Crew or Abercrombie commercial.

I’ve had dreams of my death lately.  I die of a stroke while listening to The Strokes.  I usually say, “Oh my gosh,this is totally ironic.”  Everyone around me hears, “GURGLEAHWOADFASNKLFAU” because I’m having a stroke.

I know I make a lot of typos in these posts.  I usually blame it on how when you paste in an MS Word doc into the text editor a lot of the words get bunched together.  The thing is I’m always multitasking.  Typing and being awesome is a difficult thing to balance.

I just got really depressed and started crying for the strangest reason ever.  I will never fart in a wedding dress.

I sometimes get the feeling that Fifty Shades of Grey was written by the high school counselor on Freaks and Geeks.  Oh in other news, I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey.

No matter how beautiful you are there’s always going to be someone out there who will find you ugly just because they have to be contrarian.  And that explains so much Xanga drama.

Most of Amsterdam smells like what mine and my brother’s room would smell like after we watched Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah it got so bad because I didn’t have a brother.

I’m trying to figure out how I can get one of those Miley Cyrus or Ryan Seacrest jobs where you’re paid just to exist.

I have a Wikipedia page and I edited my nickname to be Axel Hardcock and my source is “your mom”.

I think the reason so many radical feminists hate men is because there’s never a line for the men’s room.

When I say, “I feel you,” I mean that I feel your vibes on a deep and spiritual basis like as if we are connected and I’m fingering your soul.

The head of lettuce that I’ve stored in my refrigerator was so wet I could only assume it was looking at naked photos of me.

If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry.  2.  It will never happen again.  3.  #1and 2 are lies.  4.  You should get off the internet.

If you ever feel that you can’t like up to others’ expectations, try walking a mile in Doug Pitt’s shoes.

If I ever re-post jokes from older posts don’t get offended.  I recycle jokes because Al Gore said something about reducing my humor footprint.  He even made a cute PowerPoint about it.  It won him a middle school science fair blue ribbon.

Things I like about fall: leaves change color, rain, cloudy skies, hoodies, hot apple cider, pumpkin patches, Halloween, and the fact that when you step outside it doesn’t feel like you walked right into Satan’s asshole.

I’ve found that the best way to get people to follow the Bible is to write verses in blood on their doors.  Who knew pig’s blood could be such a powerful motivator?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I was thinking of starting a challenge here.  If you pick any Disney animated character and search through Google images with the character’s name and Rule 34 and you don’t find any porn then you win the internet.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were woken up by someone breaking into your house and your leg had fall asleep so you’d have to get away with a gimpy leg?  These are things that keep me up at night making sure all my guns are loaded and my legs don’t fall asleep.

I was listening to Hoarders and the woman was so pathetic.  I just wish I could see what she looks like but these old newspapers, Pepsi cans, liquor bottles, baby dolls, and plastic bags are blocking my TV.

My “walk of shame” is when I walk back to the McDonald’s counter and order two McDoubles to go. Like I’m fooling anyone into thinking that I’m going to eat them later.

I was thinking I should do more sex jokes but sex jokes aren’t funny, I mean, cum on people!

A lot of people have told me that The Shining is a horror movie.  I never saw it as something scary.  The scariest thing about that movie was the carpet patterns.  Yes, that was a carpet pattern comment!  Take that for what you will but I love women.

There is nothing better than when a love song plays during a fight scene in an action movie because you know that something big is going to happen and by big it usually involves boobs.

I think we should all join together and bully bullying until it kills itself and then we start bullying the people who claim to be open-minded but won’t listen to or recognize other people’s opinions.

I sometimes pretend to like bands just to seem cool and impress people.  I would always drop the line, “But their older stuff was much better”. And that always made people think I was a true fan.  So now you can use that bit of information to impress people.

Yeah, I’m eating a sandwich on the couch.  Yeah, the crumbs are falling into the cracks between the cushions.  Yeah, bugs are going to come because they’re attracted to those crumbs.  No, I don’t care because I’m punk.  Now to go pay my bills in a timely manner.

Have you ever wondered how celebrities date?  Do they just go up to each other and say,“I’m a fan of your work,” and then they bang? Where do I sign up?

I forget, is it good or bad when your poop sinks to the bottom of the toilet?  Like you needed to finish what you were eating.

I put a slice of baloney in my DVD player and it started playing Babe.

I think the best way women can password protect everything so their male significant others can’t access their accounts is to use your birthday as the password.

I never quite understood the Jedi mind.  It’s weird that a Jedi can detect a planet being blown up on the other side of the galaxy but he can’t tell he’s kissing his sister.

My girlfriend told me she’s more comfortable making eye contact with me when she’s giving me a blowjob than when she’s trying to tell me about how her day went.

I think we shouldn’t date people on Xanga unless you can give that person more validation than their other Xanga friends.

I like when teenagers give advice on Datingish.  My socks have more experience than you.  Go play on a tire swing and live life before you tell others how to live.

There is nothing more pussyish than blocking a Xangan and then going around Xanga telling everyone to report it.  Just keep telling yourself that you really changed the planet while you wait for President Obama to hand you the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Xanga is an awesome name for an insane asylum.

Well here it is, folks, the last of my cooking re-posts.  I know you are crying tears of sadness.  I may raid my mom's recipe box for future posts but since the school year is fast approaching I may just bring back the homework assignments.  I think you liked them.  Did you?  Anyway here are some recipes.

Fugazy Cutlets
Cutlets:
1 ½ pounds pork cutlets
1 cup season bread crumbs
½ cup flour
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
3 eggs
½ cup olive oil (approx.)
1 pound fusilli or pasta of you choice, cooked and drained

Sauce:
3 tablespoons olive oil
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 small brown or white onion, diced
One 28-ounce can of plum tomatoes with basil
½ cup dry red wine
¼ cup chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
½ tablespoon each salt and pepper

To Make Sauce:
Heat olive oil in pan over low heat, add garlic and cook, stirring 1-2 minutes.  Do not brown.  Add the onions and cook, stirring 3-4 minutes or until softened.  Add juice from canned tomatoes and the wine and scrape up any bits that are stuck to the pan.  Crush tomatoes with your hands or chop well on a cutting board and add to sauce.  Bring mixture to a simmer.  Add parsley, basil, and ¼ tablespoon black pepper.  Simmer 45 minutes, skimming off foam every 8-10 minutes.  Season with salt and remaining pepper to taste. 

To Make Cutlets:
To prepare cutlets, first lay them either straight on a cutting board or between sheets of wax paper or plastic wrap on the board and pound until approximately ¼ to 1/8 inch thick.  If you don’t have a meat-pounder, use the back of a heavy pan or a meat cleaver.  Mix bread crumbs, flour, and a dash of salt and pepper in a bowl or shallow dish.  Dip the cutlets in mixture on both sides and lay out on a plate.  Beat eggs in a separate bowl, season with salt and pepper, and set aside.
Heat ½ cup olive oil in large skillet over medium-high heat.  Dip each cutlet in eggs on both sides, and slip into pan.  Sauté for 1-2 minutes per side, or until golden brown, turning once (don’t overcook them).  Add more olive oil and reheat if necessary before adding more cutlets.  Remove cutlets as they cook to paper towels to drain. Place the cutlets on plates and top with sauce.  If you wish, serve with fusilli tossed with some of the tomato sauce on the side.

I love this recipe.  It's like a version of veal parmigiana without the guilt of eating baby cow.  Even though "fugazy" means "fake", I like to call them "Truth Serum Cutlets" because one time I made them for a girl, she started crying and told me that she was married.

Beer Cheese Soup
1 T. margarine or butter
1/2 onion (chopped)
1/4 C. celery (chopped)
1/4 C. carrots (finely chopped)
1/2 tsp. minced garlic
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 (12oz) can or bottle light beer
1 (14.5oz) can chicken broth
3 T. cornstarch
2 C. half and half
2 C. shredded sharp cheddar cheese

Melt the butter or margarine in a 4 1/2 quart soup pot over medium heat.  Add onion, celery, carrots, garlic, and Worcestershire sauce and stir well.  Cook until vegetables are tender.  Add the beer and raise the heat to high and boil for 3 minutes to evaporate the alcohol.  Add the chicken broth and bring the soup back to a boil.  Lower the heat to medium-low and simmer for 10 minutes.  Combine cornstarch with 3 T. water and stir until smooth.  Set aside.  Add the half and half and shredded cheese to the soup.  Stir constantly until the cheese melts.  Then stir in the cornstarch mixture.  Stir constantly until the soup is thick (about 2 minutes).  Serve garnished with croutons and bacon bits.

I love this soup.  It's a game day staple around these parts and by these parts I mean my house.  I think it taste great re-heated so I will cook a double batch on Friday night so I have plenty for the Badgers on Saturday and the Packers on Sunday.  Since I am the greatest bratwurst cook of all time, I usually have a few of those to go with the soup. 

Wisconsin Sushi
Dill Pickles
1 package of cream cheese
1 package of sliced ham

Microwave cream cheese to make it loose.  Take a slice of ham and spread cream cheese on ham.  Place whole dill pickle on edge of the ham and roll it in the ham and cheese.  Slice roll into sections.

Philadelphia Cheesecake Bars

Ingredients:
1-1/2 cups Honey Maid graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted
2 packages (8 oz. each) Philadelphia Cream Cheese, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350.  Mix crumbs and butter, press firmly onto bottom of 8- or 9- inch baking pan.  Beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended.  Add eggs; mix just until blended.  Pour over crust.
Bake 40 minutes or until center is almost set.  Cool.
Refrigerate 3 hours or overnight.  Cut into 16bars.  Store leftover bars in refrigerator.

And now the final installment of Olympics or Porn:

1.
2. 
3. 
4. 
5. 
6. 
7. 
8. 
9. 
10.
11.
12. 
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
So which ones are porn and which ones are Olympics?

I do like how this Australian newspaper distinguished between the two Koreas.  Naughty Korea is North Korea.  I hereby declare that henceforth North Korea will be referred to as Naughty Korea.

Did anyone else think that the London Olympics logo sort of looked like Lisa Simpson punching Bart Simpson in the crotch?

Have a great time period.

Hey what do you know, it's #caturday and the Olympics are almost over.  Now NBC can get back to their regularly scheduled programming that involves people singing, losing weight, and drinking donkey semen.  I watched the Three Stooges movie this evening and I enjoyed it.  The only thing I hated was at the end they had a disclaimer warning children not to try the things seen in the movie.  They also demonstrated that all the props the stooges used to hit each other were just rubber props with added sound effects.  Are kids that stupid these days that they have to include that warning?  Anyway...enjoy the cats.

Question: do you think #caturday could ever be NSFW?

Hope everyone is still enjoying the weekend.

I haven't done one of these since June.  Life has been quite interesting in that span.  I had to get out tonight because there was a tractor pull in town and that brought in so many, how shall I put this delicately, "odd" people.  Then the fumes from the pull were getting to me as were the sounds.  And they do it all over again tomorrow.  I don't get what is so special about these tractor pulls.  Hell, they aren't even tractors.  They're just these big engines with four tires.  I've never seen any of them plowing out in the fields.  OK enough ranting about tractor pulls.  It's time for the round-up.

Victoria Silverstedt was so excited that her fellow Swede, Sara Algotsson Ostholt, won a silver medal in equestrian that she's ripping off her bikini.  Who knew that not only was she a junkie for old rich men but also the Olympics?

After finishing his last event, Ryan Lochte got hammered and took home that lovely girl.  He must've really be swimming in the liquor.  Stay golden, my friend.  #Jeah

I was hoping that for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics on Sunday that we'd see Morrissey perform and dance around with the Queen instead of the Spice Girls but that won't happen.  Morrissey took to his website to discuss his hatred for the Olympics even though he doesn't watch the Olympics.  "And, yet! I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event. Has England ever been quite so foul with patriotism? The "dazzling royals" have, quite naturally, hi-jacked the Olympics for their own empirical needs, and no oppositional voice is allowed in the free press. It is lethal to witness. As London is suddenly promoted as a super-wealth brand, the England outside London shivers beneath cutbacks, tight circumstances and economic disasters. Meanwhile the British media present 24-hour coverage of the "dazzling royals", laughing as they lavishly spend, as if such coverage is certain to make British society feel fully whole. In 2012, the British public is evidently assumed to be undersized pigmies, scarcely able to formulate thought.  As I recently drove through Greece I noticed repeated graffiti seemingly everywhere on every available wall. In large blue letters it said WAKE UP WAKE UP. It could almost have been written with the British public in mind, because although the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout media-brand Britain, the 2013 grotesque inevitability of Lord and Lady Beckham (with Sir Jamie Horrible close at heel) is, believe me, a fate worse than life. WAKE UP WAKE UP."  You know I love the term jingoism and I think so many people confuse patriotism with it and most people think jingoism is a male medical condition with the ding dong.  Morrissey hating the Olympics is sort of like people saying they don't watch porn.  We all know you have the tab on your computer open to Masterpiece Theater just in case someone walks in.  But "dazzling royals"...if he wasn't going to retire that would make for an awesome album title.  My take is, if you don't like then don't watch and let other people decide for themselves.

And the gold medal for best dressed at the Olympics goes to Germany for their contestant Micaela Schaefer.  What there are no medals for best dressed?  Well it's better than watching fucking horse dancing.  Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand! Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit sind des Glückes Unterpfand; Blüh' im Glanze dieses Glückes, Blühe, deutsches Vaterland!

If not wearing a bra and taking photos of yourself in front of a mirror was an Olympic sport, Miley Cyrus wouldn't medal.  And that is thanks in part to her vegan diet.  She lost her chest.  Everyone, thank the vegans.  Also this week Miley was interviewed about her engagement to Liam Hemsworth.  She said she was surprised by the ring he gave her and that she loved it because it was old and had a story.  It's a hand-cut diamond ring from the late 1800s so the story it's telling is that it is a blood diamond forged in the exploitation of Africa by colonial powers.  Blood diamonds FTW!  I guess I'm missing the point.  At age 19 we should be congratulating Destiny Hope (hey it is her real name) for not having 5 kids with 5 of her family's hired farmhands.  I bet the real story behind the ring is that Miley paid her boyfriend to have it smuggled out of some African country in an orifice of a refugee.  She also probably wears perfume made from the tears of war orphans who have lost limbs because of landmines. 

Miley also tweeted this nude photo of her and her friend Jen Novak.  Miley wrote on Twitter: "our love is our greatest art"  Jen replied, "After today...i have a whole new appreciation for this pic;)"  Miley responded "Cause were breasttttt friends"  Miley thinks she's pushing the limits but this is pretty weak.  I'm going to need to see a leaked sex tape before I think she's edgy and hardcore. 

Every time I see Sofia Vergara I say "Dios mio!"  Apparently when you go to Latin American countries, the custom officials will ask for your passport and then ask you to turn around and stick out your butt before your allowed access to the country but that is only if you have a large enough ass.  Well maybe in my dirty mind and from what Sofia Vergara says.  She says that she won't go to the gym to workout because it will make her 32F breasts and her bubble butt shrink and then she may lose credibility in her home country.  In the new Allure magazine she talks about working out: "My ass gets smaller, and my boobs get smaller. I don't mind when the boobs get smaller. I don't like when the ass gets smaller. In Latin America, if you don't have a big ass, you're nothing.  We're loud. We're passionate. We're colorful. We're voluptuous ... I am not scared of the stereotype of the Latin woman, because I think that's fantastic."  So I guess if you're skinny and suffer from noassatall in Latin America you have no chances of finding your place in life.  Maybe you can hope for a back alley surgeon with a can of Fix-a-Flat.  I think we should trade some of the little-assed Latin Americans for the three large-assed Kardashians.

A rumor is circulating the web saying that Selena Gomez is knocked up because she has a bulging belly when wearing this dress.  OH MY GOD SHE HAS A BELLY!  SHE HAS A BIEBER IN THE OVEN!  Bieber has it all backwards.  First you grow pubes and then you knock up your girlfriend, not vice versa you silly boy.

Sam Elliot turned 68 this week.  I have always enjoyed his work.  I don't think I've seen anything with him in it that I haven't enjoyed.  I know my mom is a huge fan.

When last we left Randy Travis he was living out a country song by getting drunk in his car that was parked in a church parking lot.  Not much has changed as Randy is still a drunk.  This week Randy was arrested for DWI and threatening police officers after he hit several construction barrels in his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am.  He went into the ditch and police showed up on the scene.  Travis got out of his car and started yelling at the cops.  He was completely naked.  That could happen to everybody.  Tonight when I left the house I started walking out the door and realized I wasn't wearing pants.  My boxer briefs are that comfortable.  He refused to take a breathalyzer so he was taken into custody and while in the back of the police car, Randy threatened to kill the police officers.  So he drives drunk and threatens to kill cops and all he gets are two charges and a pair of paper pants?  If that were you or me, we'd be tased right in the naughty bits.  I bet the cops arrested him because they were scared when Randy challenged them to a race with his Trans Am.  Oh well...I'm going to love you forever, forever and ever amen.

Paris Hilton was spotted getting friendly with Chris Brown at a nightclub this week and of course by "spotted" I mean Paris took the photo and posted it on her Twitter and website.  They are perfect for each other.  Chris will get herpes and Paris will get beaten.  Who am I to stand in the way of true love and cheap corrective eye surgery?

So Octomom is still in need of money even after her sextape and her stripping and her business venture OctoLoans.  Now she is starting a music career and her first single is called "Sexy Party".  I haven't heard it but I'm thinking I'll download it once it because available.  The cover art was released on TMZ this week.  I'm thinking that TMZ is solely responsible for keeping her in the news.  I'm getting all sorts of tributes on this cover.  The handbra is a tribute to Janet Jackson and the crucifixes are supposedly a tribute to Madonna's "Like a Prayer".  I want to know how those crucifixes stayed right side up and didn't turn upside down being faced with all that darksidedness.

Hold on to your genitals, someone out there is trying to sell a sextape featuring Minka Kelly.  It may never be seen because there is a chance that she was not of legal age when it was shot.  People at TMZ saw the video and claim that Minka was aware of the camera.  Also there is music playing in the background.  There are two songs playing from Brandy's album "Never Say Never" which was released on June 8, 1998 which was 16 days before Minka turned 18.  Some people are claiming that the music was added to make it appear she was over 18 but that can't be because she sings along to the songs.  I don't know how that would prove she is or isn't legal.  I could make a sextape with Weezer's blue album playing in the background.  That came out a few years before I turned 18 but that doesn't mean I wasn't legal when it was filmed.  Anyway, that being said, all people need to stop filming themselves having sex because if you do and at some point in your life become a little famous that tape will surface.  Still, more thanks go out to Minka for being so stupid; it will be a nice change to have an actual attractive and moderately accomplished person in a sex tape for once instead of the usual desperate for fame glorified urinals.

This is a still shot from Megan Fox's new movie "This is 40".  It's directed by Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann is doing what countless men and women have wanted to do for years.  If that movie doesn't win an Oscar for best movie then Hollywood really is gay.

Maureen McCormick turned 56 this week.  It's hard to believe that Marcia Brady is that old.  I give Marcia a lot of coverage here.  MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA

M. Night Shyamalan turned 40 this week.  PLOT TWIST!  He's actually 42 and his career died with The Last Airbender.

I'm already anticipating writing a story about a crack shortage and rehab stints by Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in a few months because news came out this week that Lindsay and Charlie will be part of Scary Movie 5. The Warlock and Crackzilla will be united on the screen.  The Rapture is coming!  The Mayans were right!  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are galloping to get away from their drug fueled jackassery.  The only good that can come out of this is if they run out of the bad shit and turn on each other and fight it out UFC style.  You know how in old cartoons when a character is starving and they look at another character they see them as an item of food?  Well they are going to see each other as a pile of crack and it won't be pretty.  Basically this is what will happen.

Lady Gaga showed off a new tattoo.  Apparently this is the name of her new album.  Hmmm I think she forgot to add the "F" which would perfectly describe her music.

Jessica Simpson has dropped 40lbs...according to an insider.  They claim she gained 60lbs during her pregnancy and she has dropped 40.  Are we still going with the story that she gained all the weight after getting knocked up by that NFL free agent aka unemployed guy.  I wanted to get out my old copy of Guinness World Records and see how long the longest human pregnancy was but I'm lazy and don't give a shit.  Jessica hasn't done anything for my erectile dysfunction or my faith in humanity since 2008.  Jessica needs to start acting like Ashlee.  Who would've thought the least embarrassing thing to happen to a Simpson girl was getting knocked up by Pete Wentz and lip-synching on Saturday Night Live?

Jennifer Tilly is 53 and she's an ageless wonder and defier of gravity.  Did I ever tell you about the time I played poker against her?  I was so in awe of those magnificent chi chis that I totally lost.  Oh wait, I was mesmerized by her chest once again.  I never played poker against her.  Sorry, they are distracting.

When Americans go to the polls in November they should remember the words of former porn star Jenna Jameson when casting their ballot.  Minutes before Jenna bared her vagina at a strip club, she told a news team that she was throwing her support behind Mitt Romney.  Even though she supported Hilary Clinton in the 2008 election, Jenna thinks it's best to support the Republicans.  Why?  Here's what she said, "I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office.  When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office."  And she conveniently forgot that Romeny said he wanted to ban all porn in 2008.  Apparently Jenna forgot that her job of cock gobbling and muff munching would be shipped overseas if Mitt becomes president.  I think Obama should just throw in the towel now that Romney has her endorsement. 

George Clooney was spotted in Italy this week and the cameraman asked him how many women he went through that morning and that was George's answer.

Garrison Keillor turned 70 this week.  He had a huge celebration in Lake Woebegone where the Lutherans and Catholics banded together to have the biggest party their town ever saw and Ole Swenson decided to bake the biggest cake but chicken farmer Berthold Schwartzkopf refused to sell Ole any eggs because Ole accidentally spilled hot butter on Berthold at Saint Kazmerick's annual lutefisk feed.  What the hell did I just write?  OK is it me or does he look like he could be Dwight Schrute's father?

Dustin Hoffman turned 75 this week.  I didn't realize he was so old but then I haven't watched many of Hoffman's movies from the last few years so he'll always be young or an idiot savant.

A while back I posted a few pics of Daniel Day Lewis eating a salad off the set of his movie about Abraham Lincoln.  Well here is one of the first promotional photos from Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln".  The movie comes out in November and I will say it here right now, Daniel Day Lewis will win the Oscar for best actor. 

After all these years of obviously trying for a reality show, Courtney Stodden's dreams are coming true.  She's getting her own reality series.  It's not like she's been whoring herself to get a show since she got married.  Courtney and her husband Doug Hutchinson will be on the next season of Couples Therapy because they claim they are having marriage problems due to all their fame and the big age difference.  Hmmm how to solve their problems?  Quit taking handfuls of pills, get away from all the cameras, and drop the dude who looks like a creepy uncle that takes photos of you in your underwear in your grandma's basement.  Maybe they can compromise and Doug will let her stay out past 9 on school nights and Britney will not put Viagra in his prune juice.

Abigail and Britney Hensel are conjoined twins from Minnesota.  They are now going to have their own reality show on TLC.  I actually want to see this.  I actually saw them once at a basketball game.  Their school played the school that was a couple blocks from my house.  I was teaching at a private school in this town and another teacher called me up and said I should come up to the game.  He was sitting a few rows behind them.  I mean it's not something you see every day.  I know I come off as a dick here but how many conjoined twins have you ever seen up close and personal?  I remember people asking them questions and apparently at times most all question sessions devolved into "how many coochies do you have".  I took this off of Wikipedia: 2 heads 2 spines merging at the coccyx and joined at the thorax by sections of ribs. Surgery was employed to correct scoliosis.  2 completely separate spinal cords 2 arms (originally 3, but rudimentary central arm was surgically removed, leaving central shoulder blade in place) 1 broad ribcage with 2 highly fused sternums and traces of bridging ribs. Surgery was employed to expand the pleural cavities.  2 breasts  2 hearts in a shared circulatory system (nutrition, respiration, medicine taken by either affects both) 4 lungs with the medial lungs moderately fused, not involving Brittany's upper right lobe; three pleural cavities 1 diaphragm with well-coordinated involuntary breathing, slight central defect 2 stomachs 2 gallbladders 1 liver, enlarged and elongated right lobe Y-shaped small intestine, which experiences a slightly spastic double peristalsis at the juncture 1 large intestine with one colon 3 kidneys: 2 left, 1 right 1 bladder 1 set of reproductive organs 2 separate half-sacrums, which converge distally 1 slightly broad pelvis  2 legs And the best part?  They'll be on the same channel with Honey Boo Boo.  If any of you are pregnant redneck conjoined twins who are former child beauty contestants and own a bakery that makes cakes only for Amish little people who clip coupons, call TLC and get your own reality show.

Who hasn't passed out drunk with a bottle of vodka in a city park in the middle of the day?  We can now add Brigitte Nielsen to that list.  A couple paparazzi followed her to a park and documented her drinking vodka and smoking a few cigarettes and buying a bottle of wine in a parking lot and drinking said wine and drinking more vodka.  Brigitte has been in out of rehab since 2007.  That includes a stay in Dr. Drew's fake rehab reality show.  She hasn't been the same since she dumped Foofy.  She released a statement saying that she has had a rough summer.  She has had health issues and her mother is extremely ill so Brigitte took a moment to jump off the wagon and get liquored up, then take a nap, and then hop back on the wagon.  Considering that squirrels and alcoholics sleep in the park it's safe to say she fell off the wagon.  Also considering she willingly had sex with Flava Flav this isn't rock bottom.  After that the only thing that could be considered rock bottom is death.  I hope she finds peace with her new commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Asia Carrera turned 39 this week.  She is a form adult entertainer.  She considers herself to be the nerd of porn.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean but she claims the title so I won't argue with her.  She has 400 titles on her resume and was active in the porn industry from 1993 to 2005.  Why do I know so much?  Well I go above and beyond the call of duty for your entertainment on this site and also how often do you get to do research at the Internet Adult Film Database?

Amanda Bynes is trying to capture the crown of Hollywood's worst driver from Lindsay Lohan.  If you see Amanda on the streets you better start praying to whatever deity you follow that she doesn't hit you.   TMZ is reporting that Amanda had another hit and run accident this week when she rear-ended a Toyota owned by a woman named Kisa.  This Kisa said she didn't recognize Amanda at first but described her as a hot mess.  Amanda tried to say that the damage wasn't that bad and they should just forget it.  Kisa asked for insurance information and then Amanda got in her car and said the damage wasn't that bad and drove away.  Then she filed a report with the police for hit and run and here we are.  I remember when I was in grade school we had a bike rodeo and the police gave us these fake bike licenses with our photos on them.  Amanda Bynes doesn't even deserve one of those.  I hope she got President Obama to go down to the police station and clear things up for her.  Not like he has anything else to do.  We need to start harnessing her hit and run power for good.  Can we bottle it and use it as a form of alternate fuel?  Maybe we can send her over to London to rear-end the Chinese Olympic bus so we can win all the medals.  USA!  USA!  USA!  USA!  USA!  USA!

Oh man, this is the best news of the week.  There is going to be a big screen version of ALF.  The guy who brought The Smurfs to the big screen is working with the creators of ALF to make this movie happen.  I don't know if they'll let that happen.  The creator of ALF, Paul Fusco, was pretty crazy with ALF in that he came to think ALF was real.  It got pretty weird.  I hope they don't make it computer animated.  I hope they bring back the puppet because seeing him all cute and furry is what made him likeable and hug-able and why so many people had stuffed ALFs.  I don't think they could get that same feeling through CGI.  Oh and I wonder if they'll bring back the original Willie.  They won't have a difficult time getting him to sign a contract since the last time I heard from him he was sucking dick for crack.

Adrianne Curry turned 30 this week.  I really don't have a punchline here.  I've always admired her work on Twitter.  I'd love to see her come to Xanga.  I'd love to see a lot of people come to Xanga but I don't think that would happen.  But to get Adrianne we just need to turn this place into a huge nerdfest.

And because it's my blog and I do what I want and because I haven't posted anything of her in over a month, here's Coco.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

So here we are.  I don't know what I should say since I said so much in my last post.  All I can say is that I'm watching The Office and Charles Minor is an asshole.  Meh.  Tomorrow is Friday.  It's time for links.

1.  I know some of you enjoy gifs.  I also know some of you enjoy Tim and Eric.  Well why not combine the two?  Here's 66 mind-shattering Tim and Eric gifs.

2.  I was going to share these as part of a post after the flop of my children's book but I didn't because I so upset that no one wanted to publish my children's book.  Anyway here is a collection of the worst-selling books.

3.  Here's a fun music site.  These people are trying to compile a database of cover songs and they call their site the Covers Project.  I love this idea.

4.  A few months ago I read about an urban legend concerning Family Guy and how there was supposed to be one of the darkest episodes ever to air but it was not shown because the writers thought it was too dark.  Well it wasn't real.  It got me thinking though about other cartoons that were edited before they were shown.  Here's a collection of insane cartoons that almost got made.

5.  I was going to make a post of this but these people beat me to it and besides that I enjoy my female readers.  Here's woman logic.

6.  I consider myself a man of the world but one thing that I've never understood is the peace sign.  WTF?  I mean why do people still flash those two fingers?  I don't get it.  Oh gee whiz if I stick these two fingers up there will be world peace.  Anyway here are celebrities flashing the peace sign.

7.  I've shared celebrity Tumblr accounts with you so here is one I found this week.  It belongs to Keith Olbermann.

8.  This has become a favorite Tumblr.  It's a collection of classic album covers a guy recreated using his socks.  It's called The Sock Covers. 

9.  Ryan Lochte may not have done as well at the Olympics as what he expected but he won me over with his idiotic tweets.  Well someone created a Tumblr called Ball till u Fall (which is something Lochte tweeted) devoted to making inspirational photos featuring Lochte and his tweets.

10.  This week Google featured a fun doodle.  It's called Hurdles.

11.  Have you ever wondered how you could look like Robert DeNiro's character Travis Bickle?  Well this article from Details magazine details how you can achieve that look.

12.  Have you ever wondered what Taxi Driver would've been like if it had been produced by Walt Disney?  Well wonder no more.

Korn posted this on their Facebook today.  The girl from the cover of their first album is all grown up.  I wonder if she's the same age as the kid on the Nirvana cover.  They could be a powerful couple.

Be still my heart

Oh well, Batman will save us.

I wish that wasn't a hack.

Did you know August 9th was National Book Lovers Day?  Did you know August is National Romance Awareness Month?

Well that would be an interesting show.

I knew it!  She never existed and the last few years have been a figment of my imagination.  But does this mean I died after that car accident and I've been imagining everything?  Well it's not like I was going to sleep tonight.

Ice T and Ice Cube could be the most refreshing rap duo in summer if they put their minds to it.

Why can I never find loose women?

Maybe that is why.

Hey it comes out on DVD in a week.

Thanks for all the laughs.

Since everyone is doing it I figure I'd jump on the bandwagon even though I'm quite late and everyone has moved on to something new.

1.  You're a piece of shit and everyone who likes you and recommends your stuff is stupid.  I can't believe people think you're funny and a good writer.  I love how you go through my Xanga and take stuff.  Seriously, how do people like you?
2.  You are trash.  You bring nothing positive to this site.  Drama surrounds you.  You're an adult for christ's sake; act like it.  I really feel sorry for you and not because people gang up and attack you but because you have so many undiagnosed mental illnesses.  Everything you've received as far as hatred goes you deserve because you are the biggest hypocrite I've ever seen. 
3.  You're cool.
4.  I like the cut of your jib.
5.  You have nice boobs.
6.  I should tell you how I feel about you but I fear it would ruin what I perceive as a friendship although lately you haven't been talking to me and I suppose it's because of what's going on in my life but I also think you hate me.
7.  You make me feel like an idiot.
8.  I don't understand labels but it doesn't make me think any less of you.
9.  Even though you are one of those people who say "THE" Ohio State, you're nice.
10.  99% of the time I have no idea what I should say after I read your posts but I keep reading them.
11.  You are hot.
12.  I had a dream and you were in it.  You shot me in the face.  I am now scared of you.
13.  I don't understand why you ever friended me here.  You have never commented on any of my posts yet you seem indignant when I don't comment on anything you post.
14.  You're a racist and I hate you so I blocked you so I guess you'll never read this so na-na-nah-boo-boo stick your head in doo doo.  Xanga seriously should've blocked your IP for all the hate you post.
15.  You are an amazing writer.  I'd just wish you'd do it more and commercially because you could get quite rich.
16.  I miss you.
17.  I don't miss you.  Please stay away.
18.  Sometimes I think you are some sort of Vatican assassin sent to keep tabs on me because of some of the Catholic things I've posted in the past.
19.  You are one of the cutest people I know.
20.  We should totally hang out and have some beers.

Vlog time!
Part 1 features questions from @bonmots @ohellino @livexlovexlaughter @lakakalo @Aloysius_son

Part 2 features questions from @Thatslifekid @Peridot21 @theKisSilent @spinner_mom @Cestovatelka

Part 3 features questions from @StrawberrySunrises @Kellsbella @apyus @AncoraImparo

Well thanks for all the questions.  I hope you enjoyed and weren't repulsed and turned to stone.

Heart is the name of both a band and an organ I can’t live without.

Mitt Romney promised 12 million jobs in his four year term.  What he isn’t saying is that 6million jobs will be for India and the other 6 million are for China.  Even though I don’t agree with his politics,even I have to admit Mitt Romney’s come a long way since playing Kevin’s older brother on The Wonder Years.

Do you think anyone has ever peed in an Olympic pool?

If God answered prayers then turtles would have Doritos flavored shells.

I would never date a jazz musician because I have such a difficult time staying awake during sax.

Why do people find tans attractive?  Damaged skin cells must be so attractive says the guy who can no longer tan.

I always learn so much about Obamacare from arguments on Xanga and Facebook.  Now if it was something useful like quantum physics or how to set my damn VCR clock then I’d be set for life.

Breaking news:  Snoop Dogg has changed his name to Snoop Lion. The Lion King has changed his name to Ice-T.  Ice-T says he has always liked the name “Carl”.

The Olympics are awesome because they are helping to bridge the gap until football season.  Also, I look patriotic when I sit alone at the bar while watching the Olympics on the big screen.

Popular people need to remember that their popularity is determined by how much unpopular people like them.  I suppose this could be true about Xanga…HAHAHAHA…awesome punchline is awesome.

I hate how people use the phrase “life is short” because it isn’t really and just because there is a slim chance of getting hit by a bus or a car when you cross the street it doesn’t give the right to act irresponsible and jeopardize your future.  Now, it’s off to go ply mini-golf in an open field during a thunderstorm.  #YOLO

India has been suffering from bouts of no electricity which means that outbursts of singing and dancing in the streets has been reduced to twice daily instead of the usual six times.

Do you ever get the feeling that you could be a meth cook on the set of Breaking Bad and no one would know the difference?

I sort of have a feeling that Kanye West owns a digitally edited version of the Kim Kardashian/Ray J sextape with his face edited over Ray J’s and Kim Kardashian’s.

I’m pretty sure every place that sells corndogs is in favor of gay marriage.

I’m thinking of starting a hardcore rock band and we’ll insert soundbytes of Obama speeches in our songs so our type of music will be called Obamacore.  I’m also thinking of naming the band State of the Union.

Do you find it sort of odd that people who supported Chick-Fil-A were out in full force to eat processed chicken and artificially sweetened drinks because they think homosexuality is unnatural?  It’s cute how these Christians are pumping their bodies full of bad food while ignoring that whole “your body is a temple” thing.  I hear that Subway saw hows uccessful Chick-Fil-A was in generating a non-story so they have decided to drum up business by giving money to white supremacist organizations.  I sure hope Mike Huckabee declares this Friday, “Give the Godfather a Blowjob Day”.

I’m not saying my girl is a gold digger but I have caught her on numerous occasions with her finger up her nose.

A gymnast walks into a bar and he’s given a two point deduction which virtually ruins his chances at medaling.

Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a wuss.

This Curiosity Mars rover thing is pretty awesome but they aren’t telling us that they’ve made contact with life.  Apparently Brigitte Nielsen and Gary Busey are a happy couple on Mars.  Next week,NASA’s explorer, Bi-Curiosity, will land on Uranus.  I also imagine that the old Mars rovers are telling Curiosity that back in the day they had to travel to Mars uphill both ways.  George W. Bush was quoted assaying, “Mars?  That’s not impressive.  I wanted to put men on the moon.”  So when does it overthrow the Martian government and start drilling for oil? I’m thinking of dressing as Curiosity for Halloween so I can crawl allover chicks.

Michael Phelps said he’s not going near water ever again.  I wonder if that includes drinking and water pipes.

I was sort of disappointed to hear the Jamaican national anthem.  I was certain it was going to be a Bob Marley song.

Jerry Sandusky said he is distraught to hear about the sanctions that Penn State faces because of his shameful antics.  “What a shame,”said no one.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Apparently Ryan Lochte’s parents are facing foreclosure.  I guess he’s not the only one underwater in their family.

Did you know the reason why the Chinese are winning so many medals is because that guarantees them at least one day off per year at the Apple factory?

You’d think a guy standing in line at the gas station would be flattered to be mistaken for Cee-lo Green. Well, you’d be wrong.

Imagine all the hell you could raise if you went to Walmart dressed in a blue polo and khaki pants.

It never fails. Whenever I go to church to make fake IDs for my neighbor someone always wants to use the laminating machine.

I always think it’s weird to see dogs sniffing each other’s butts on purpose until I remember that people pay money to smell like Axe Body Spray.

Did you know that in the Canadian version of Super Mario Brothers it takes 135 coins to get an extra life?  HAHAHAHA…a money exchange rate joke!  I’ve really sunk to new lows.

I don’t know what God was thinking when he designed the penis.  Couldn’t the scrotum be a little nicer type of sac sort of like a Crown Royal bag?  Also flaccid penises should be rolled up and when they become erect they should unroll and go “HONK” like a party favor.

I took an IQ test. Should I be worried that it came back negative?

I heard that The White Stripes and The Black Keys are collaborating on a new album.  The name of their band will be A Piano.

Boobs are to men as laser pointers are to cats.

I have the body of a female Olympic weightlifter.

They say misery loves company but for me I’m miserable when I have company.

What would I do for a Klondike bar?  I’d wait for someone to walk to the kitchen and then ask them to bring me one.

Not getting caught while masturbating is the only thing I’m really good at.  Too bad it’s not an Olympic sport.

I hope my future wife is following me on Xanga because I’d hate to describe everything once again. Also are there any women who want the first dance at your wedding to be to “Hoes in Different Area Codes”?

New Xanga motto: Those who can, do and those who can’t come to Xanga and bitch about those that do.

The people who kiss ass on Xanga have made this site into the internet’s version of Human Centipede.

I tried using Xanga on my phone and it was sort of like trying to eat spaghetti with a spoon.

Just because someone on Xanga doesn’t respect you doesn’t give you the right to disrespect them and if you think they are such horrible people and then you post hate about them then you’ve stooped to their level.  God, sometimes I feel like I’m the Ward Cleever of Xanga.

When did Xanga collectively decide to stop using punctuation like when did this happen why is this a thing did it happen while I was gone oh well I guess I will get used to it now that you mention it I like it because it makes this sentence look smooth just like a river with whitewater rapids

Xanga is like the Olympics. Even if you are the best in the world, you’ve wasted your life perfecting a worthless skill.

Actually I am Ashton Kutcher and you all have been punk’d!