Class, the time has come when once again we start doing homework assignments.  Last school year you did exceptionally well so I am expecting the same outstanding work this year. 

With that being said, here's your first assignment this year.

A. 
   

B.
 

C. 
  

OK, class, here are the rules.  Answer two of the above questions but make sure you answer them clearly and concisely and for A and B make sure you include why you made those selections.

Good luck, now get to work.

My Answers:
A.  I'd have to go with FDR or James K. Polk.  I think this country needs someone like FDR to get us out of the current state we're in but then some might chime in that he was a socialist who used war to his advantage.  Polk was awesome because he made campaign promises and kept them and because he did them all in his first term he didn't seek re-election.

B.  This one is somewhat difficult because there are so many I could pick.

1.  The Simpsons.  I honestly haven't watched many episodes from the past 10 seasons so that would be like watching brand new episodes plus the old ones are classic.  "we're talking softball..."
2.  Star Trek.  I've never seen a complete episode of the original series and probably have only seen a handful of the Next Generation and Deep Space Nine.  I think it's high time I get into something like that.
3.  South Park.  The show is so topical that when I'd see an episode I could have flashbacks to the actual events that inspired it.
4.  The Shield.  Quite possibly the best police drama to ever air on TV.
5.  Toss up between Friday Night Lights, Wonder Showzen, My Name is Earl, King of the Hill or Seinfeld.

C.  Youth, Freedom, Intelligence

Well I figure it's time for one of these posts.  I have nothing much to say other than I'm doing the wine making in a day or two.  I have to get some glass jars because the last time I made wine I used plastic containers and it was awful.

What you don't know is "Justice" is the name of her vibrator.

Wolverine states the obvious.

Maybe he should consider lapband or vertical stripes.

His only weakness is a concussion.

The Hairy Beast...nice to see they are making comics about me.

Is it me or does it look like Mr. T dropped a deuce and they look like diamonds?

Great, Rudy Guilliani is now drawing comics.

I wish a broad would blow hard on me.  I said hard on.  HAHAHAHAHA!  This looks rather queer.  Or is it gay?  I am confused.

Nothing confusing about this one...Wow these comics keep getting more and more sexually charged!!!

HAHAHAHA Batman's not only doing his best to sound gay but he really looks it holding his boy ward in his arms.  Ah Batman you creep.

I think Robin was jealous that the Joker gave Batman his greatest boner.

This is probably one of the most famous or maybe infamous cells from any Batman comic.

Enough with the boners.  How do you force a guy into a boner?  In my case they are pretty cooperative unless it comes to public speaking.

I DON'T want to know.

Uhhhhh what is Batman going to do about those dirty horrible needs?  Robin better lock his bedroom door.

It looks like Robin is going to have to ice down his gadget.

You know maybe I am perverted but a lot can be said about the gay factor in Batman comics.

It's really difficult not to take things out of context.

So Batman likes water sports as well.

This is what really happens in the Bat Cave.

Have a good night or other time period depending on when you read this.

Is it possible to even satisfy a movie critic?  Nothing is good enough for them.  I’d hate being married to one of those critics.  “You’re love making was shallow and pedantic.”  I don’t even know what that means.

“Don’t Stop Believing” was a great song but then it was covered on Glee.

The word “phonetically” doesn’t even begin with an “f”.  This is why alien life forms don’t bother with us.

I called a girl a redhead and she got offended by that.  I guess I should’ve handled the situation more gingerly.

I’m thinking at this point a woman could seduce me with a slice of pizza and a crumpled up five dollar bill.

Ann Romney is out on the campaign trail and each stop she wows the crowd by showing how many push-ups her chauffeur can do.

I applaud internet users because let’s face it, the internet is a dangerous place.  My mom almost died using the internet.

I love how Julian Castro is on the verge of tears in his speech and then they do a splitscreen with his daughter in the other box and she’s playing with her hair and biting her lips.  Once again proving kids don’t give a rat’s ass about politics.  Just like so many voting aged Americans.  He strikes me as the type of guy that cries uncontrollably when the shower doesn’t warm up fast enough or he colors outside the lines.  Did anyone else find it ironic that two new feminist icons spoke before Bill Clinton at the DNC?  I do love the fact that when Fleetwood Mac plays at a political event you can expect Clinton to appear but I still think he should use Shawn Michaels’ WWF entrance music and you thought I was only going to use the comparison to wrestling in my last convention liveblog.  They showed Chelsea. Damn, it’s hard not to be sexist when she’s so fucking hot.  I used to have dreams of being the boyfriend and being called the first boyfriend and after banging Chelsea they’d ask me if we should bomb countries like France or China.  Clinton has lost a lot of weight.  I sort of miss the Clinton that Phil Hartman played but not as much as I miss Phil Hartman.  When Clinton said, “I’m going to nominate a president and I have one in mind…”  I thought he had three in mind and two of them were named “Clinton”.  I thought I was going to be smartassed with this but I love Bill Clinton.  He has away of talking that makes you feel important and that he’s speaking directly to you.  It’s like he’s family.  He’s so natural and I want a repeal of the 22^ndAmendment.  When Bill Clinton said that line about Obama having the good sense to marry Michelle, he revealed his hand and like many men in America said they want to bang the first lady.  I think Clinton lied when he said he didn’t hate the people on the right.  I bet he hated the shit out of those peoplewho targeted him because he got his willy slicked.  When Clinton started talking about Hillary I was thinking he’d nominate her for a second.  Why didn’t the RNC have either of the Bushes speak?  I look at the crowd and see all the delegates with their stupid hats nodding along and have no cluea s to the impact of what is being said especially when Bill gave props to W.Bush.  They remind me of dullards who listen to music and only hear the beat without realizing there’s lyrics.  I’ve always wondered how Germans could blindly follow Hitler and after hearing Clintons peak, I sort of get how that happened.  I think he’s the only person I could blindly follow.  I’m wondering if he’s actually using a teleprompter or just freestyling it and then he says, “That takes a lot of brass”.  It almost sounded like he stopped himself from saying “balls”.  The crowd is chanting “Four more years, four more years”.  Yeah, but for who, Clinton or Obama?  The 22^nd Amendment was put in place because FDR had such lengthy terms and was so bad for our country.  Repeal it so we can bring back Bill who basically only served a term and a half. It was sort of cool to see John Kerry take time off from being on the$20 to speak at the DNC.  Everyone gives Mitt Romney shit for being rich but conveniently forget that John Kerry makes Mitt Romney look like he’s barely making ends meet.  So help me if John Kerry says he’s “reporting for duty” like he did at the 2004DNC I will vote for Mitt Romney. Remember John Edwards?  That guy turned out to be a bright shining star of the Democrat Party.  Kerry gave a weird speech but not Clint Eastwood weird.  It’s like he showed up in the middle of the speech.  Kerry hasit backwards, your human form isn’t supposed to look like a sculpture on Mount Rushmore and by that I’m saying he’s a fucking rock-headed bore.  He brings up bin Laden,if I was Obama I’d show up to every campaign stop with a photo of bin Laden’s carcass.  Kerry said that the Romney/Ryan ticket has the least foreign policy experience in decades or at least since that goofy Kerry/Edwards ticket.  John Kerry accused Mitt Romney of being a flip-flopper.  Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle “John Kerry”?  Jesus Christ I can’t believe I voted for this guy.  He spoke for 13 minutes without saying a thing.  This has won the biggest waste of my life award.  I bet Joe Biden got in a fight with the person running the music because he wanted them to play “Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix. I bet he also wanted to come out in aviator sunglasses and a Marlboro windbreaker.  You can disagree all you want about the politics and his gaffes but Biden is a legitimately likable guy.  He immediately mentions his wife.  Yep, he knows where his bread is buttered.  Biden has qualities of Clinton in his folksy delivery.  He said he asked his wife to marry him five times.  How can you say no to Joe?  Oh shit, I think I just came up with a potential 2016 campaign slogan.  Biden has to be one of the better vice presidents in our history, maybe #2 right behind Al Gore.  Speaking of Al Gore,where the hell is he?  It’s like Gore,Jimmy Carter, and John Edwards have had their Democrat privileges revoked.  Maybe Al is just too busy getting massages,running his network, or making PowerPoint shows.  Biden asked if Jennifer Granholm was great.  No, she came off as a lunatic and I should throw another shout-out to Al Gore, she’s got a show on his TV network.  I have to give props to Biden for hushing the crowd when they booed Mitt Romney and saying, “He’s not a bad guy.”  Michelle Obama introduces the president as the love of her life and the father of her two children.  If I was a writer for WWF I’d bring out Joe Lieberman instead of the president.  That would create instant heat and then Obama could come out and give Lieberman a tombstone piledriver called the Economic Plunge.  Holy shit, Malia Obama is almost as tall as her parents.  Are they feeding her steroids?  I’m thinking Obama is dying his hair with Just for Men to touch up all the grey hair.  Obama should’ve come out to “Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z instead of that song by U2 although it’s fitting since O’Bama is Irish.  After watching Bill Clinton and Joe Biden,the president’s speech is nowhere near as good. I still can’t believe that the president has to talk about people who think that climate change is a hoax. People are retarded and I’m not being politically incorrect.  There are a great deal of people that need to wear helmets with flashlights on top that need to be bullied incessantly.  Don’t like, block me and do not ever return to my site.  Even as a Christian I see the earth changing because mankind has to be stewards of this earth that was a gift from good and with all out pollution we are abusing that gift.  Sure it may not be as bad as what people are forecasting but Christians have to admit that the earth has changed and by allowing all this pollution to continue is sinful and not keeping in line with God’s commands of being good stewards with the gifts he’s given us.  Don’t like that I’m religions, block me and never return to my site.  I know Obama has respect for Clint Eastwood but it would be funny for him to set up a chair and then kick it over and say, “What’s up now, Million Dollar Baby?”  “Times have changed and so have I.  I’m no longer just a candidate.  I’m the President.”  If ever a phrase in a speech needed the term“motherfucker” at the end it was right there. How many white folks across the country would’ve shit their pants if he said that?  “I’ve never been more hopeful about America…I’m hopeful because of you.”  He really doesn’t get out that often to meet average Americans, does he?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Have you ever thought about the future and the future of long distance relationships?  It’ll be like, “Oh man, I met this cool girl on the internet but she’s from Neptune.”

Are you imaging dildos being thrown at your head?  Well you are now.

It would be nice if a stray dog running into my yard to hump my leg while picking apples wasn’t the only action I get.

If porn stars have blogs and then write risqué things and post pornographic photos, do they label their posts NSFW or would they be actually SFW?

I don’t think vegans are allowed to masturbate because that would be beating and enjoying the meat.

I really would like a milkshake but I don’t think I could handle my backyard being filled with girls this late at night.

CNN had an article titled, “MTV Explains Why It Canceled Jersey Shore”.  I could give you the answer without reading the article; the monthly Valtrex bill was too damn high.

I was watching the American Bible Challenge.  I got thinking.  Can anyone be on this show or just Christians?  I’d sort of like to see a group of Christians battling it out over Bible trivia with a group of atheists and a group of Muslims.

I don’t think that people who claim to be bisexual just to get attention realize they are trivializing an identity.  Nicki Minaj must be stopped.

I’ve heard people claim they don’t see race, gender, height,or weight when they look at people.  So what do they see, featureless grey blobs?

On the first day of school I made kids memorize the “born in shadows” speech Bane made in The Dark Knight Rises just in case the power ever went off in school so then they wouldn’t be afraid.

I think the reason there are so many undecided voters is because they are waiting for Romney and Obama to unveil their awesome sword collections.

I don’t know why but Mitt Romney always looks like the president that needs to be rescued in an action movie.

I bought a box of Kashi Go Lean cereal the other week and I just finished it and the prize at the bottom of the box was a pair of cut-off hemp shorts.

If opinions are like assholes and everyone has an asshole then a lot of opinions are wearing Ed Hardy.

I think I will vote for whichever candidate outlaws smartphones or makes iPhone users change their ringtone.

It’s so weird that our country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

I’ve been thinking that if I get married will I invite all my Xanga friends to the wedding.  Then if I did I wonder if they will be there on their laptops or smartphones blogging about the whole thing and stirring up drama along the way.  “There’s no way the godfather should be wearing white.”

#caturday  after the Badgers lost I drowned my sorrows not in alcohol but in Chinese food.  It was a rather interesting experience.  I had all the wait staff speaking in Chinese then at one table near me there were four old people.  One of them had a distinct British accent, one had a German accent, one had a Southern accent and the other spoke Wisconics.  Then another table had people who were speaking Spanish.  Then another table had three guys that had to all be over 7 feet tall.  And then as I was leaving a family speaking Arabic sat down.  Who knew a little rural area could be so diverse?  I came home and watched Role Models and Something Something Dark Side.  And now it's time for cat pics.

I hope everybody is having a great weekend.

Well I suppose I should try to do one of these posts again.  I don't know if people care for it any more but I'll post to indulge you.  Same rules apply.

Snooki gave birth last week to a baby boy.  His name is Lorenzo Dominic and he was greeted by MTV cameras after he came out fist-pumping of his mom's vagina.  He is resting comfortably in his homemade crib that doubles as a tanning bed.  Snooki didn't waste much time cashing in on her new bundle of hair gel.  I haven't heard how much she made for the exclusive photos but she definitely cashed in.  Snooki was also interviewed by People and said this, "It's a different kind of love that I never felt before. When I got pregnant, everything changed. The partying is long gone. I'm a new person."  I'll believe she's a changed person when I don't see her doing tequilla shots off baby Lorenzo's belly during a Mommy and Me class at a bar in New Jersey.  Speaking of New Jersey, the pride of America according to MTV, MTV has canceled Jersey Shore.  There was no word as to why they canceled the show but I guess it was because it was no longer popular and in this post-Honey Boo Boo world , Jersey Shore became an exemplar of poise and etiquette which spits in the face of why that show was created which was to show a bunch of Italian kids living on the beach getting STDs and HIV.

Shia Labeouf is a master of his craft.  He takes his acting roles seriously.  In preparation for the movie Lawless, Shia guzzled down moonshine much like his character and when he drinks in the movie he is drinking real moonshine.  Then for a movie called Nymphomaniac, Shia has sex and not simulated sex.  He had actual sex.  I guess all other actresses will now think twice about having a sex scene with Shia.  Now word comes that Shia is preparing for a new role in a movie titled The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman.  He took LSD like his character does in the movie.  Watching the last Transformers movie was like a real bad acid trip so I guess Shia now feels my pain.  When asked about why he did it here's what Shia said, "There's a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there's a way to be on acid. What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to."  So his inspirations for acting are Sean Penn and Harold and Kumar?  Yeah, Shia is an idiot.  He's a lot less deep, talented or interesting than he thinks he is. He must also be pissed off that other young actors are getting better roles and more visibility. Hence the recent barrage of stunts, statements and incidents to cement his "edginess" in the public eye. Too bad the public eye sees right through his shit. He's Bud Bundy without the charisma.

Shannon Elizabeth turned 39 this week.  Back when I was finishing up high school/starting college she was everywhere.  Now she's nowhere to be found.  It's sort of sad she went by the wayside but then she wasn't really that great of an actress and her most noteworthy roles involved her being naked.

Sarah Jean Underwood posted this photo on Twitter this week.  That is the strangest looking swing I've ever seen.  I can see why they don't put those in public parks.  They would hurt kids.

Rose McGowan turned 39 this week.  She got her start around the same time as Shannon Elizabeth, maybe a couple years earlier.  She got work but then there is this 4 year break where she has no credits to her name.  Oddly enough those were the years when she dated Marilyn Manson.  I guess dating him was a full time job in and of itself.  Anyway, Rose is the rose to my heart and I have no clue what that means but she gives me erections especially in the movie Planet Terror.

Roger Waters, of Pink Floyd fame, turned 69 this week.  This guy is a musical genius but that genius put a hamper on his career at times.  Floyd will never tour again because of his ego but at least I did get to see the 3 members of Pink Floyd put on The Wall plus I saw Waters in concert too and he did mostly Floyd songs so I guess it's all good.

Miley Cyrus showed up at the VMAs last night wearing the same exact hairstyle as singer Pink.  Pink can rock that hairstyle but when Miley wears it she looks like another Top Chef reject because you know that Top Chef has to have a minimum requirement of contestants with shitty mohawks each season.

Other than the hair, Miley looked great at the VMAs.

Pee Wee Herman turned 60 this week.  How is that possible?  He's 60 but he acts like he's 6 so I guess that is pretty much why I'm shocked.  I hope Pee Wee had a great birthday celebration but stayed away from movie theaters and Fred Willard...(while I was gone Fred Willard was arrested for masturbating at a porn theater much like how Pee Wee got arrested all those years ago).

Paul Oakenfold turned 49 this week.  I sometimes really enjoy electronic music and one of my favorite artists is Paul Oakenfold.  I remember when I was in college and would come home for the weekend, I'd drive across the plains of Minnesota listening to Oakenfold.  It really made that trip enjoyable because there was absolutely nothing to do on my drive.  He is one of the most prolific artists in his genre.  He produced the soundtrack for the movie Swordfish.  I went to see that movie just because he did the music.  The movie was so so but the music was spectacular.

Michael Chicklis turned 49 this week.  He was actually born on the same day as Oakenfold.  Chicklis is one of my favorite actors.  I actually loved The Commish and when I saw him on The Shield it blew my mind.  I think The Shield is the best police drama ever made.  His character Vic Mackey may be one of the best characters ever.  I'm anxious to see him as a mobster in this new show about Las Vegas that premiers in a few days.

Child Protective Services may wonder why Octomom's oldest children are taking pencil erasers and rubbing them across their head.  Turns out they know about their mom's sextape but only because she claims to be honest and open with her children and that she claims to have told them.  I doubt they know the specifics but I have a feeling they realize that the food they are eating was paid for with money from mommy's shenanigans.  Octomom had this to say, "I raise them in total honesty, so they’ll never have any resentment or harbor resentment when they grow up. They do [know] to a certain degree. They do not know the total details, but I raise them in total honesty.  They’re totally desensitized…our experiences allowed all of us to pull out strengths we didn’t know we possess."  OK I'm not a parent but you can't be totally honest with your kids 100% of the time.  When a kid begs for candy at the store I'd just say that the candy at Walmart is for display purposes only and not for sale and that if they opened it there wouldn't be anything inside and if there is it contains diabetes and they'll have to get poked by needles for the rest of their life.  I wouldn't lie to my kids about Santa though because I want credit for all the shit I bought from Walmart and KMart that's under the tree.  That being said, I guess it was a good thing she told her kids because that will make internet usage in the future less awkward.

Sorry ladies, Nicki Minaj isn't bisexual like she once claimed.  She's only into men and only said she was bisexual to get attention.  She claims she was just joking when she said she was bisexual.  In an interview with Rolling Stone she admits she claimed to be bi to get headlines.  Dear Lord, Nicki Minaj isn't who she says she is?  Next thing you know, this dope will admit that her hair isn't really pink or green or whatever the hell color it is this week. How will her peers ever be able to trust her again? The fake drug kingpins, make-believe gangsters, and pimp posers really need to band together and once and for all clear the air on what lies are acceptable in the pillar of honesty I like to call the Hip Hop community.  But on a serious note, I don't think people who claim to be bisexual for attention realize they are trivializing an entire identity.  It needs to stop just like those girls that go around kissing other girls and claiming to love girls just so guys will give them attention.

Neil Armstrong passed away at the age of 82.  Neil was the commander of the Apollo 11 mission and he was the first one to step on the moon on July 20, 1969. As he stepped on the moon, Neil said the words that will forever live in tattoo form on one of my old friends' ankle (sadly, I'm not joking): "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."  The Apollo 11 mission was Neil's last mission. After that he, worked as NASA's deputy associate administrator for aeronautics and later taught engineering at the University of Cincinnati.  Rest in peace, Neil.

Here's Mickey Rourke on the set of his new movie "Black November".  This is so weird but Mickey looks exactly like one of my grandmas and with the same glasses.  It's not even funny.

All Michael Phelps does is win.  He was in Las Vegas last weekend celebrating his 6 gold medals with his friends and he won $100,000 at a poker game.  He then blew a chunk of it at a nightclub.  When can he catch a break?  Alright already, Mike. We get it, God shines his love on you just a little bit more than he does on the rest of us. There's no need to flaunt that fact, but just remember that a few decades ago, being born with elongated arms and tiny little legs would have landed you in a freak show. Today you're Michael Phelps, Olympic hero. A hundred years ago you would have been Bobo, the half-human half-seal boy.

Michael Clarke Duncan passed away this week at the age of 54.  He had a heart attack in July and didn't ever fully recover.  He was recently hospitalized and his fiancee Omarosa, of The Apprentice fame, was with him.  She told TMZ that she left the room for a few minutes and when she returned he was gone.  He had an inspirational path to fame.  He quit school to get a job to support his family.  He worked at a gas company and then as a bouncer at a nightclub and then he became a bodyguard and then he got bit parts in movies and then he's nominated for an Oscar for The Green Mile.  He will be greatly missed.

Lifetime Network released a few more still shots of the upcoming movie "Liz and Dick" that stars Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor.  Lindsay actually looks good as Elizabeth Taylor from the 80s.  Some interesting news from the movie is that the owner of Elizabeth Taylor's trailer that was used for the movie Cleopatra rented it to the makers of this movie.  She said when she gave it to them it was in excellent condition but when they returned it she claims that the inside looks like it was hit by a crack fueled freckled tornado.  She also claims she spent her entire life savings of $58,000 to buy the trailer but the damages exceed $100,000 and the insurance company the movie makers used won't compensate her at all.  The owner told CNN who she thinks trashed the trailer: "Only a psychotic and rebellious person or people would steal irreplaceable museum belongings and leave it in this vandalized condition."  In other words, YOU KNOW WHO!  Lindsay really is a crack fueled tornado because she was kicked out of her crack home away from crack home.  She was kicked out of the Chateau Marmont because she ran up a $46,000 bill and hasn't paid any of it.  TMZ had a copy of the bill and apparently she spent $3100 on the mini-bar, $686 on 49 packs of cigarettes, $100 on a candle, $2000 on one meal on July 4th, and a $75 a day fee for a computer rental.  Of course the computer hasn't been returned.  I bet Lindsay got confused and thought it was a halfway house for those exiting rehab and prison.  She'll probably pay them off with a truckload of Rolex watches and DVD players with the serial numbers scratched off.  She is off the hook for the alleged theft at that millionaires house because it turns out he made a claim to Lindsay that whatever is his is hers because he loves her so he says that nothing is missing.  Lindsay is sort of stupid but hey she's done a lot of drugs.  When you steal candy from a baby you don't just steal the candy, you trick the baby into running off to Las Vegas to elope at a cheap wedding chapel without signing a pre-nup so you can get your hands on all the candy and all the candy that baby will ever get.  She needs to reevaluate her career as a con artist.

I have some good news for the few ladies out there that haven't slept with Leonardo DiCaprio.  He's going to be fully nude in his new movie "The Wolf of Wall Street".  An insider says there are some explicit sex scenes and one that involves 4 guys and 2 women.  The insider also said there's man on man sex but that Leo isn't involved with that.  I don't need to see this movie to know that Leo is probably packing a boa constrictor in his shorts because that's the only reason to be in a movie with a full monty scene in it. Unless he pulls a Marky Mark and whips out a fake penis, expect Leo to be crowned Champion of Men. After all, he's the world's biggest star, he only plows the hottest supermodels like Bar Refali, he loves his mommy, and now he confirms the assumption of most women that he has a monster vagina splitter and isn't shy about putting it on display. God bless him.

Lady Gaga posted photo somewhere and I can't help but admit I got turned on but then I noticed the dog.  It looks like he's saying, "Don't look left.  Don't look left.  Don't look left.  Don't look left.  Don't look left."

For some strange reason, Katy Perry can't quit John Mayer.  She's been drunk texting him ever since they broke up.  Boy if I had a nickel for every time a girl drunk texted me I wouldn't have any nickels...sigh...Katy went from being a talented artist to being just another John Mayer conquest.  I guess the drunk texting paid off.  They were spotted together this week.  I guess this goes to show you that if you want something in life and have tits the size of basketballs that you can get whatever you want.  This is a heart warming tale that all girls should aspire for.  I bet they'll even make a Disney movie about it.

Justin Bieber tweeted two photos this week.  This was the first photo.  It shows him playing with a gun on the set of Selena Gomez's new movie.  I don't know what is the most disturbing thing here.  Either it's Justin Bieber acting like the toughest member of a toddler gang when he really looks the opposite and you want to pat him on the head and tell him to go have his mom change his Huggies because he smells like he pooped himself or Selena's eyes showing the demons of Hell.  I guess this photo shows that demons are happy when toddlers play with guns.  Justin also tweeted this photo which has been photoshopped below.

Yeah those wacky kids with their photoshop, nothing's safe these days.  I think it would've been more accurate if they shopped Usher's face instead of Ray J.  Also, a note to all celebrities, be careful of the photos you take otherwise this may happen to you.

I think next week we will see an engineering record when Jessica Simpson goes on Katie Couric's new talk show to show off how $4million from Weight Watchers helped her lose weight but more than likely is being held by Spanx and corsets.  Jessica claims that she didn't know that all the weight didn't come off once the baby was born.  See I've never fathered a baby nor had siblings but I sure as hell know that all the weight gained during pregnancy doesn't magically disappear once the baby is born.  Jessica claims she's 10lbs away from her pre-pregnancy weight and that she walks 60 minutes a day because she can't job because of her breasts, "My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I'm just walking."  All that she claims she ate during her pregnancy, I wouldn't be surprised if her baby is taking cholesterol and high blood pressure medicine.

This is Jeannette McCurdy.  She plays some kid on the TV show iCarly.  Yeah she's supposed to be a kid on the show but in real life she's 20 so stop right there Chris Hansen, you have no right to tell me to have a seat.  She's also a country singer if that matters but anyway yeah.

Jeff Foxworthy turned 54 this week.  You might be a redneck or a devout Christian who watches Bible trivia game shows on the Game Show Network but don't read the actual Bible if you think that his birthday should be a national holiday.

Janice Dickinson was spotted kissing porn star James Deen this week.  I decided to share this because I've always wanted to see what it would look like when two trains collide.  The poor guy, he must've lost a bet.  The worst thing I ever had to do on a lost bet was ride a shopping cart down a hill.  It's also a good thing the porn industry does heavy STD screening these days.

More people watched the TLC reality series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo than Paul Ryan speak at the Republican National Convention.  This means Mitt Romney should've picked Mama June as his running mate instead.  You wonder how much TLC pays that family.  I'm pretty sure Mama June, Sugarbear, Chickadee, Honey Boo Boo, Piggypines, Chubbs, and Liver Lips McGrowl would be happy with lifetime passes to Old Country Buffet and a semi-truck filled with cheese balls but TLC pays them actual cash money.  The Hollywood Reporter said that they get $4000 an episode or $40,000 per season however Mama June Bug Beaver Lick Horse Face Chin Lift says that TLC stuffs more than $40,000 cash in her chin cleavage.  She wouldn't say how much her family got to make fools of themselves but it's substantial.  $40,000 doesn't sound like a lot but it buys a lot of baby formula aka Mountain Dew and water aka Mountain Dew.  I bet they'll rake in millions when that show gets renewed and we all know it will get renewed.  Next season they'll move up to eating name brand Cheetos instead of Sam's Choice cheese puffs.  One person that does not approve of this show is Kris Jenner.  She thinks the mother is pimping out her children to make easy money.  POT KETTLE BLACK!  That is the most hypocritical thing I've ever heard.  She also thinks the family is classless and doesn't understand why America is fascinated with them.  I say the same thing with the Kardashians.  The words "Would you like to buy my daughter's sex tape" have come out of Kris Jenner's mouth so she should shut the hell up if she tries to criticize another family on TV.

Holly Madison announced she is pregnant.  And here is a picture of the wholesome mother to be if you ignore the fact that pretty much everyone on earth has seen her naked and that she used to have sex with an 85 year old man in exchange for money, food, and housing.

Courtney Stodden turned 18 this week but I think it's actually her 27th annual 18th birthday.  Maybe now her husband Doug Hutchison will have to go find a new woman that isn't old and over the hill since she's now legal.  Doug gave Courtney a special birthday present, an Italian greyhound that they named Dourtney.  I bet the dog runs into oncoming traffic within a month.  A few days after turning 18, Courtney sent Playboy a message on Twitter asking if she could pose for Playboy.  A source close to Playboy told TMZ that Courtney's chances of posing in Playboy are just about the same as someone saying that Doug Hutchison marrying a 16 year old isn't creepy.  The sources claims that Playboy has never made her an offer to pose and never will because she looks too enhanced.  What?  The women in Playboy aren't supposed to look plastic and fake?  Could've fooled me.  they let Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid pose so that proves that theory wrong.  I bet the real reason is because Courtney is married and Hef is looking for a girl to change his diapers and not a girl whose diapers he has to change.

I think I wrote about this before but oh well it gives me a chance to look at Coco.  She went on a TV show called The Drs. to have an ultrasound of her ass to determine if she had implants or if it was real.  She's all natural and here's the video.  I think The Drs. should get all the television awards and some Nobel Prizes.

Well it's official, there will be a Christmas Story 2 and it's coming straight to DVD and will hit shelves on October 30th just in time for Christmas because Christmas shopping gets earlier and earlier each year.  Pretty soon I expect Christmas decorations to appear in stores after July 4th.  My only question with this movie is that in a couple years will TBS have a 24 hour marathon of it on December 26th?

Charlie Sheen turned 47 this week.  Looking at recent photos of him I wouldn't have ever guessed he was that young.  I'm actually surprised he's still alive.  Last night I saw some of the episodes of Anger Management.  Yeah I can see why people aren't watching it.  I thought it was awful.  I watched the first 3 or 4 episodes and then gave up and last night I watched a couple more but switched over to the DNC because that seemed more interesting.

Bob Barker was the host of the Price is Right for 35 years but he wasn't invited to the 40th anniversary special.  He claims that the show's producers chose to ignore him.  The special aired this past week and featured former contestants and actually showed Barker in numerous clips.  He also is upset they didn't even offer him a DVD of the special.  He claims he isn't mad and said this, "When you celebrate a 40th anniversary, you would think you’d have the fellow who did the show for 35 years there."  Not even a DVD, maybe he offered too much and went over the suggested retail price of a DVD.  I know he's cool with it but how could you have a 40th anniversary special and not have on the guy who was on the show for 35 years?

And just like that, the streets of L.A. are safer.  Amanda Bynes had her license revoked and buried in the shallow ditch next to her acting career.  Gee, it only took one DUI and about 50 bajillion hit and run accidents for the DMV to act.  It was getting so bad in L.A. that whenever people got in their cars they crossed themselves and put up St. Christopher statues on their dashboards.  Maybe Amanda will get Lindsay Lohan to drive her to the courthouse to get her license back.  Also, when I watched the President's speech last night I'm surprised he didn't mention Amanda's plight because she has petitioned him via Twitter to help her out of all her shenanigans.  The L.A. Times asked the DMV about the license suspension but they wouldn't say the exact reason or when it started.  I will take a stab at the reason...one DUI and charged with 2 hit and runs.  Maybe they didn't take her driver's license away but her fishing license.  Prosecutors have opened the cases against Amanda and she could face up to a year in prison.  Shit, that won't happen.  Lindsay Lohan could walk into a daycare and pull out a machine gun and open fire and she'd be sentenced to go to the theater to watch The Oogieloves movie.  The judge will probably sentence Amanda to paint flames on her car so it looks cool.

Those funny people over at the 4Chan are up to their old hilarious tricks.  A while back rapper Pitbull launched a campaign to visit a location that got the most likes on his facebook.  Well the people over at 4Chan liked a Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska in hopes of exiling him there.  Then there was the whole Mountain Dew fiasco.  Pepsi decided to let the Internet name the new flavor of Mountain Dew.  The top ten names all came from 4Chan and were all variations of either "Hitler Did No Wrong" or "Gushin' Grannies".  No word on whether or not that flavor will hit stores.  Now 4Chan has done it again.  Papa John's had a contest on their Facebook page that said any school that got the most votes would get a Taylor Swift concert if she wanted to play there.  Well the school that is currently in the lead is The Horace Mann School for The Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Massachusetts.  That is so fitting but then I don't think the deaf even want to hear her passive aggressive songs about her famous exboyfriends.  The rules state that she doesn't have to perform at the winning school if she doesn't want to but imagine what a black eye she'd get if she turned down a school for the deaf.  Her heart is made of crushed cherry lollipops and Lisa Frank stickers.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

If'n you remember my last motivational post, I wrote quite a bit about the RNC.  Well to be fair I also made snarky comments about the DNC but you'll have to wait until Tuesday night.  Anyway, I'm tired and now it's time for websites and tattoos.

1.  I often think that in America we forget that there are more than 2 political parties.  Here are 15 third party candidates.  I was surprised that a few of them actually stand a chance on winning.  (spoiler alert: they won't)

2.  One of my all time favorite songs is "Strange Fruit" by Billie Holiday.  It is one of the most haunting songs I've ever heard.  This is the story of the man who wrote the song.  It's quite interesting.

3.  Here's a list of 10 movies that sounded awesome but were killed before they got made.  A Confederacy of Dunces...Zach Galifinakis is now onboard to star in that movie. 

4.  In this time of political uncertainty, there is one thing we can all agree on...the Facebook timeline sucks.  Here's a Tumblr site devoted to hatred for the timeline.  I have cut my time on that site significantly because they forced me to take the timeline.

5.  In my quest to find celebrity Tumblr accounts, I've found yet another.  This one belongs to Sean Lennon.

6.  One of my new favorite Tumblr sites is called Ms. Attribution.  It's a collection of misattributed quotes.  It's hard to explain why I love it.  Maybe because I've seen and heard so many misquotes in my life.

7.  In this time of political uncertainty, there is one thing we can all agree on, Joe Biden has fantastic teeth.  Make sure you look at the word balloon and read more.

8.  I don't know why but here is a photo collection of sexy girls drinking beer.

9.  This is a fun site, you type your name and you find the best anagram for it.  My birth name has the anagram of "warm sweet truth".  My Xanga name's anagram is "Hefty Garbage of Drone"...sigh...so true.

10.  Here's another fun site, it's called Pointer Pointer.  You put your pointer somewhere on the screen, let it load and then a photo will appear.  Move the pointer and repeat the process.

11.  I saw this article about a glass walkway on Tianmen Mountain in China and I started to breathe faster and my pulse got faster.  I don't like heights.

12.  This may be the most disturbing thing I've linked here.  It's a collection of photos by a photographer named Jonathan Hobin.  Click on the photo the farthest on the left(two kids playing), then click on that same photo on the next page(when you highlight it it's called In the Playroom), click on the blue squares to be shocked.

I wonder what this guy loves most, Jesus, America, or anachronisms.

Wouldn't dream of it

I actually like the concept of this tattoo.  It's all the states and they are colored in with the state flag. I wonder if the person is only filling in states they've been to.

"Heads you live, tails you die"  do I at least get best two out of three?

A confederacy of really fucking scary and stupid dunces

I'm so turned on by the second amendment.  Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I love America but this eagle ripping through my bicep is getting really annoying.

I love America so much I want it to take me hostage and gag me with the flag.

That guy better see a dermatologist because it looks like he's infected with America

This tattoo is from someone who runs a patriotic haunted house..."And now feast your eyes on what America would've become if we didn't go to Vietnam"

Yep, that pretty much sums it all up.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.


Stan Lee...he created so many heroes and comics.  I wonder if he gets any credit for all the tattoos that have been made featuring his work.

Doc Ock...I absolutely love this tattoo.  The detail on the sunglasses is remarkable.

Aww nothing like a Spiderman tattoo.  I actually like the webbing on the costume.  I figure that's on a shoulder but if I got a Spiderman tattoo it would be in an obscene place so I could shoot my webbing.

I've been trying to figure out if this is Dr. Doom or MF Doom.  Any help is appreciated.  If it's Dr. Doom I wonder if that tattoo has any abilities.  I know Dr. Doom has mind transferal ability.  Maybe this guy should look at tattoo transferal ability.

Iron Man doesn't look so iron.  I'd say he's looking rather like an aluminum can that sat out in the sun all summer

I am really surprised that there aren't more of these tattoos out there.

Well, it's late so I'm off to go cook some meth I mean watch Breaking Bad.

I just thought I'd share some stuff.  I'm sort of at a loss for words lately.

Last night we had a thunderstorm come through before sunset.  It was really eerie.  This is the library across the street from my house.


Then facing the other direction this is what the sky looked like.  You can see a faint rainbow and some cloud to cloud lightning.

I caught some lightning but it was cloud to cloud so you can't really make it out behind the clouds.


Monday I went to an Amish farm to their bulk food store.  I picked up a bunch of soup mixes and yeast because I'm going to try my hand at wine making.  Anyway, I took some photos of the Amish farm.  I could only get these two because the Amish are very picky about getting their photo taken and I didn't want to get whipped by any Amish farmer.  I think the house is the grandparents' house.  When Amish can no longer run a farm and they get to what we would call retirement age they go live with their children.

After the Amish farm I went to a cheese factory.  It was the end of the shift so there's soap on the floor and no one was working.  I like this place because they have windows where you can watch the process of making cheese.

The cheese factory also sells Amish bonnets and straw hats.  I tried on a bonnet because I'm going to get one for my mom for Christmas because she reads all these Amish romance novels and I figure she can wear a bonnet while she reads the novel.  Well a girl working at the cheese factory caught me trying one on.  I figured if it fit my head it would be big enough for my mom.  I was so embarrassed.


After the cheese factory it started raining and I came upon this Amish family.


I don't know if I mentioned this but I designed a parade float for my church for my town's Labor Day parade.  It was pretty simple but it required a lot of work.  I took photos of members of the church and had a printing company make banners for me featuring all the photos.

It's been so hot and humid again.  I'm ready for winter.

My house has good luck, Jesus knocking on my door and a mandella hanging on my door.  I'm set.

I think this is the first year I didn't have a swig with Nig.

I wish they let teachers drinking in the lounge.  No, teachers have to act "professional" now that they can be fired and can't negotiate contracts.

Have a great night.

My mom said she got new luggage.  I started crying.  She asked me why I was crying.  I said, Oh I’m just case sensitive.”

I was talking about my old fashioned phones and my little cousin asked if a rotisserie phone was had to use.  I said, “Oh yeah, a phone covered in sauces and spices roasting over a heat source, it was extremely difficult to place calls, shithead.”

Changing your facebook middle name to “Danger” is a shining example of originality.  But on a serious note, I do know a kid whose middle name is “Danger”.

I think my kindness is about as convincing as Homer Simpson’s combover.

I miss the days when a guy had to ask a girl’s parents if he could take her out, where a girl could be beautiful wearing a skirt below the knees, when the bubonic plague decimated villages throughout Europe and left a third of the population dead. Recommend this post if you agree.

I have said that people who don’t like macaroni and cheese should burn in the fiery pits of hell but when I tell girls that I don’t like the bun hairstyle that suddenly makes me an oppressor of women whose penis should be cut off.

I think the most useless comment a person could make is “It looks like it’s going to rain.”  If there’s a big black cloud in the sky what else do you think it’s going to do, molest your pets?  Steal all the food from your cupboards?  Finish your math homework?  Program your VCR?  It’s going to produce precipitation of some sort and it’s nothing noteworthy.

America is the only country in the world where pizza is considered a vegetable and women are considered pregnant 2 weeks before conception.

Rush Limbaugh blaming Barack Obama for the weather is about as stupid as Rush Limbaugh.

Everyone talks about how they have near-death experiences they see a light and go to Heaven.  I had that once but I went to Hell.  It was pretty interesting.  You get to watch TV in Hell but the only channel is PBS and there’s an image of Madonna’s boob, Michael Jackson’s penis, Sarah Jessica Parker’s hands, and Terry Bradshaw’s ass burned into every corner of the screen.

Do you remember Rebecca Black?  The punchline here is you now have “Friday”stuck in your head.

I was listening to a Skrillex CD for about an hour and thought it was awfully repetitive but then I realized it was skipping on the first track.

Jersey Shore was canceled which was clearly an act of God.  Ball’s in your court now, atheists.

Is it normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other two?

I always got so hungry when I was in Earth Science class because the teacher always made the Earth sound like a dessert when he talked about the earth having a solid center with hot layers and a thin crust.

I had my MP3 player on shuffle and it went from a Tori Amos song to a Macho Man Randy Savage song.  I think this is telling me that my spirit animal is a sheep that likes to do flying elbows off the top rope.

Have you ever noticed that when you get older you enjoy things you hated as a kid such as naps and being spanked?

Why do people brag about not reading?  That goes to show that you just have asillinggolinagollingbeenman…just to see if anyone is reading.  But seriously do you want people thinking you’re a dullard because you think it’s cool not to read?

Have you ever had to tell someone “shut up” and then they replied “make me” and you were tempted to shove your dick down their throat?

“I love Big Macs and I will eat them all the time.  I don’t give a McFuck.”  -The guy from Wisconsin that’s averaged eating two BigMacs a day since 1972.  The first day he had a Big Mac he enjoyed it so much he ate 8 others.  Don Gorske is a legend.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I think it’s funny how much credit the Republicans give President Obama.  They make it seem like he has invisibility and he controls the weather.  Maybe there is a reason why he’s appeared in a couple of comic books.  I’m not even going to comment on Clint Eastwood because that was just so weird but then maybe he’s auditioning for a remake of Harvey.  Oh wait I will comment, he used a line from one of his movies.  That’s so cool and is so original just like how Arnold Schwarzenegger did it in every single one of his speeches for eight years.  When Mitt Romney came out to make his speech I’m surprised his entrance music wasn’t “Bitch Betta Have My Money”.  If that happened he would’ve won my vote.  I sometimes question Mitt Romney based on his hair.  Someone who has had that much supposed responsibility should have more grey hair. Hell, I have more grey hair than he does and basically all my responsibilities are making sure I wipe my ass every morning and cleaning out the cats’ litter box.  Have you ever noticed that his eyebrows never match his emotions?  It’s like he’s a broken Muppet.  Seriously they need to synch up his eyebrows with the rest of his software.  I’m also trying to figure out why American politicians still show concern for Fidel Castro and his “tyranny”.  He’s outlasted every U.S. president since Eisenhower.  I think he won.  If we are open to diplomacy with the Taliban I’m pretty sure we can be open to diplomacy with the Cubans and an 86 year old man who isn’t in power.  Maybe next he should start talking about how evil that Gaddafhi guy is and how he’s a mad dog and then end it with “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.”  I don’t get why he’s hitting Obama’s foreign policy on Cuba.  He should attack Obama for sitting on his hands with Syria, Egypt, Tunisia,and Libya.  Did you notice that every single speech at the RNC has an underlying message of  “Hey it’s cool we elected a black guy as president but now that the novelty has worn off…”.  If you don’t believe me go back and watch the speeches and find where they talk about the excitement of electing Obama and replace it with gimmick or experiment. Why is the crowd chanting “USA USA USA”? Is Romney squaring off against The Iron Shiek and Nicolai Volkoff?  Stop chanting “USA USA USA”.  The people on the other side are also Americans.  I keep wondering why Romney skips over Mormonism when in the last election everyone made such a big deal about Obama’s belief system.  Romney listed all these influential Republican women and he didn’t mention Sarah Palin.  My my my, how the mediocre have fallen.  Romney says he has a 5 step plan to create 12million jobs.  I have a one step plan to create 12 million jobs; execute 12 million working Americans.  I’m looking at you Texas. Romney says how he plans to honor the institution of marriage and then the camera cut to Newt Gingrich.  No way that could have been intentional.  Is he going to uphold the institution of marriage based on what Americans have made it or what the Bible made it?  If he’s going the Biblical route I will vote for him so I can have 70 wives.  I know I’ve watched too much wrestling when I hope Mitt Romney pulls out a steel chair and hits Paul Ryan upside the head and then tears off his shirt to reveal he’s wearing an Obama shirt underneath and then starts screaming, “Yay abortions! Yay for gay people!”  Then Jim Ross announces, “Good gawd!  Mitt Romney’s causing a slobberknocker and he’s turned his back on the people!”  OK I really shouldn't have open this document when I’m watching the RNC.

You can be religious and still be a shitty person.  You can be an atheist and still be a shitty person.  It doesn’t matter what religion you do or don’t follow, if you are a shitty person that shittiness will shine through everything.  Or maybe that should be “brown through everything”.  So basically a Christian and an atheist walk into a bar and enjoy a drink and each other's company because they are not pretentious assholes.

Why aren’t pro-lifers trying to ban vasectomies?  That makes more sense than all the bans on birth control because it's basically the ultimate form of birth control.

Some day I hope the good people at Trojan Condoms buy the naming rights to a baseball or football stadium.  Couldn’t you hear the announcers, “Welcome to the safe and snug confines of Trojan Condom field, a field where the home team isn’t guaranteed to let the other team score.”

Pick-up line guaranteed for failure:  Hey, baby, are you a scientist?  I want to do you on a table periodically.

I think you should send me some nude pics so I can tell you how disappointed your parents will be.

I have genuinely felt that the more you read the better you write unless you’re reading Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey and The Hunger Games and basically most “literature” geared toward teens.

Given how politically correct we are becoming, it’s only a matter of time that making fun of someone for being stupid will be called intelligence shaming.

I was thinking of making a new Xanga account but SwedishMadePenisLengtheningPumps is not a valid username.

I’m pretty sure Xanga has made me a more open-minded person and at the same time a more judgmental person.

I’m not always sure what we accomplish on Xanga except angering others or making me feel stupid.

Some of the filthiest Xangans are also some of the nicest.  That’s a plug for you to think I’m nice and not your average run of the mill asshole.

You don’t have to like me here at Xanga.  I’m on your computer screen and not in your life unless you consider Xanga to be your life. If that’s the case, you have major problems.

I was planning on putting random songs in here but Xanga audio rarely works anymore so you have to imagine songs playing.

And it's also #caturday

I hope everyone is have a great weekend and I hope your team is winning.