So tonight was interesting.  I wanted to stay home and just relax because this week has been rather trying.  I get a message from my parents asking me to go out to supper and then shopping at Walmart because they need me to carry everything for them and help them shop for new phones for their house.  Alright so I decide to go.  I'm riding with my parents and we stop at my aunt's house a town over and my dad shuts off the car and they get out.  I had to ride in the back of a minivan.  I will never own one of them.  There is no leg room, only if you take out the middle seat.  Anyway we eat at a Chinese restaurant and this lady is there making sushi.  I thought I should try some because I haven't had sushi in a long time and the last time I made it it was a joke.  I take a few pieces and was told that they were called California rolls and had avocado and cobra meat.  Apparently "cobra" and "crab" are the same word.  I eat the first piece and it's good.  I go for the second piece and something didn't set right.  What is this rubbery taste?  It was difficult to swallow.  Hmmm...something's not right.  Let me get some garlic chicken.  Why am I itching?  Shit there was shrimp in that sushi.  Yeah, I go into an allergic reaction and my arms are breaking out in hives like mad.  My stomach starts itching.  My throat starts itching.  Shit.  Well I'm back to normal after about 5 hours, just sneezing like mad.  I also like to see that I'm up to 3 people now who have created Xanga accounts after seeing something they didn't like on my page.  Apparently someone's brother was the recipient of a Hamburger Helper tattoo and they didn't like that I said it was "terrible".  You're welcome, Xanga Team.  I think that calls for some massive promotion of my site.  Now it's time for the round up.

This is Tiffany Darwish.  She's probably best known as Tiffany.  She was a pop singer who had a huge hit with a cover of Tommy James and the Shondells' song "I Think We're Alone Now".  Tiffany turned 42 this week.  This is from her Playboy spread in 2002 when she was trying to shed the teen pop star image.  Mission accomplish and Tiffany, I am currently saluting you.  I remember when that song came out and she went on all the mall tours.  I always pictured going to the mall to see her and somehow I'd rescue her from something and then she'd fall in love with me and we'd go on dates to the arcade where we'd play skeeball and I win her a huge teddy bear and then we'd go to the ice cream shop and we'd share a milkshake and then we'd walk back to her tour bus and I'd hold her hand and then she'd kiss me on the cheek.  God...I was so naive but I was realistic.  The only way I could get a girl to fall in love with me is by saving her life.

Sting or Gordon Sumner turned 61 this week.  He's probably best known for his music with The Police and his solo career.  Well maybe that's all he's known for.  He is a sometimes actor and this was from his role in Dune.  You know he's also into tantric sex which is a sex method of making love for long periods of time or something like that.  Since he's 61 and practices tantric sex I think that means he's been having sex for about 20 years of his life.  Oh and how is this for equality @leaflesstree ?

Drummer of Motley Crue and Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee, turned 50 this week.  How's this @leaflesstree ?  I was going to post a photo from his most famous or is it infamous work but I didn't want to shame myself or have female readers faint at the sight of his drumstick.

Former baseball player, Mark McGwire, turned 49 this week.  He is probably one of the biggest poster boys for the steroid era of Major League Baseball.  I was a fan of his when he played for the Oakland A's.  But after he left the game he became a pariah mostly because of the allegations to steroid use.  Even when he played he was hated.  I remember the 1999 season when he was battling Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs for the home run crown.  McGwire hit 66 home runs and Sosa ended with 63.  When I was working in the tourist trap, a person wearing a Sosa jersey was browsing the store and I had on the radio and they were reporting about the baseball scores and it turned out McGwire hit a home run that day and the Cubs fan was disgusted and said, "I can't stand Mark McGwire.  Sammy Sosa is such a better player.  I hope McGwire dies."  The previous record was set in 1961 by Roger Maris.  I still feel that Maris holds that record because McGwire and Barry Bonds have tainted the record with their links to steroid abuse.  Oh and here is McGwire's rookie card and here is a recent photo of McGwire as a coach.  Some big changes there.

Singer and bassist Les Claypool turned 49 this week.  Claypool is probably most famous for his work with the band Primus but I should let @unstoppable_inner_strength write more about Claypool.  I enjoy the albums Pork Soda and Tales from the Punch Bowl.  I remember playing Pork Soda so much in my final year of grade school and into my years of high school.  Also if any of you have seen South Park you have heard Claypool's skills.  He sings and plays the South Park theme song.  He is such a talented bassist and I probably am not doing him justice.

Ian McShane turned 70 this week.  McShane is behind one of my favorite TV characters, Al Swearengen from the show Deadwood.  I absolutely love that show and McShane was brilliant.  He has been in many other films including one of my favorites, Sexy Beast.  A few years ago I did reviews of every episode of Freaks and Geeks.  I've been thinking about doing the same for Deadwood but I don't know if people would be interested.  If you haven't seen it, I don't know if I should recommend it because it's rather rough plus you'll never be able to look at Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec in the same way ever again.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how those crazy kids over at the 4chan got together and voted in a contest that would see Taylor Swift give a free concert at the school with the most votes.  They voted for the Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Allston, Massachusetts.  Well the school received the most votes but there was a clause that said Taylor could refuse to play a concert.  The school was disqualified after Taylor and Papa John's got together and determined that the school received votes in an unfair manner.  But because Taylor is so sweet she'd give anyone who comes into contact with her diabetes, she donated $10,000 to the school and other sponsors of the concert donated $40,000 and each student will receive tickets to a future Taylor Swift concert when she comes near their town.  The internet's trolling pays off again. Everybody wins. Taylor wins, because she looks like a damn saint. And the kids really win, because their school got $50,000, they don't have to sit through a Taylor Swift show in their cafeteria and they got tickets they can sell on Craigslist.

Sofia Vergara was in New York City promoting her new clothing line.  I have no clue what she's selling but I see her promoting underwear in that photo.  GENIUS!  I don't normally wear women's underwear but Sofia has convinced me to but ten pair.  I really enjoy when Sofia talks about her boobs and I wrote about it last week.  Well this week she had more to say.  I guess because they are so big or something.  I'm no scientist.  I went to Lutheran school.  She said this in the October issue of Lucky Magazine: "I know [my breasts] have opened doors for me; let's be real. But I so hate when I see Gisele and she is wearing a tiny little tank top with no bra, like, 'Oh, I just threw this on. I look so cute.' If I wore that, I would look like I was pregnant or a fat stripper."  Oh, Sofia, you own the most perfect pair of 32F breasts in the world so please don't slap God in the face by saying you don't want them.  Do you think that Gisele looks at her mediocre tits and says, "I'm sure happy that I don't have enormous, delicious, scrumptious, drool-inducing hooters like Sofia Vergara"? No, she doesn't.  She probably wishes she didn't look like a 12 year old boy but then Tom Brady might leave her if she didn't.  Trust me when I tell you that if you looked like a fat stripper, the "fat stripper look" would be next summer's hot fashion trend. Trust me, I've stared at your boobs for so long that I'm starting to see the future.  They call me Knockerdumbass

Snoop Dogg, and I refuse to call him Snoop Lion because it makes no fucking sense, posted a list of why he is not voting for Mitt Romney and why he is voting for Barack Obama.  I think this should be a Xanga challenge to all decided voters.  You post ten reasons why you're voting for a specific candidate and ten reasons why you're not voting for the other guy.  Anyway I'm pretty sure that we could narrow down the reasons to vote for Obama to two, Michelle has a fine ass and Barack smokes Newports.  I also lost it at #3...Bitch got a dancing horse

Seth MacFarlane, the guy who brings us Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, and Ted, is going to host the 85th Academy Awards.  The show's producers had a press release and said why they picked MacFarlane: "We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh.  He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him."  I wonder how many semen jokes will be in this installment of The Oscars.  I have a feeling the people who picked him have never seen an episode of Family Guy and they heard his solo serious singing album and thought he was a swell lad.  I think I will definitely watch this because it will either be the best performance ever or it will be the greatest train wreck ever...wait...nothing can be worse than last year having James Franco, who was high as a kite, and Anne Hathaway hosting.  That was beyond awful.

Selena Gomez got a neck tattoo this week.  I have no clue what it stands for but she claims it's a tribute to her family.  The tattoo artist said that Selena was scared of the possible pain and held a friend's hand the entire time.  She is turning into such a rebel.  I bet pretty soon we'll see her smoking, having unprotected sex, and voting Republican.

Selena Gomez's boyfriend, Justin Bieber had a bad week.  During a concert in Glendale, Arizona, Bieber came out on stage and started singing and puked on stage.  Here's the video.  Either he's lip-synching those songs or he trained his butthole how to sing.  In other news, Usher has started reading, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but I'm not sure that's related.  After the concert Bieber tweeted "Milk was a bad choice".  Yeah because all that creamy substance isn't good on the vocal chords and it just coats them making it harder to sing.  So either he's knocked up or he's a performance artist and is giving an artistic interpretation of his songs or a woman in the front row flashed him.  Damn, I've never wanted to be a roadie for Justin Bieber as bad as I do right now. Do you know how much authentic Justin Bieber throw up is going for right now on eBay? On a $/ounce basis, more than gold.

OK so by now I'm sure most of you have heard about the news anchor from my neck of the woods who gave the response to an email on the news.  Well I think the biggest thing that has blown my mind is that her brother is actor Ron Livingston.  All these years of watching her in the morning while I get ready and she never mentioned that they were related.  I was just shocked but maybe that's because Livingston was in one of my other favorite TV shows, Band of Brothers.  He had this to say about his sister: "My sister Jennifer is an Emmy winning journalist and mother of three amazing girls.  She brings an exceptional dedication to her job, her family, and her community, and has been a role model of mine for many, many years. I'm extremely proud of her."  My mind is still blown and then I find out her husband is the night news anchor.  They really are bad at reporting at WKBT but then they are good about telling me that the golden keg was tapped at Oktoberfest.

Dang ol' Miley Cyrus is gonna be in a movie picture show.  Hot dang!  Well she's trying to make us forget that LOL movie and she's in talks with Lifetime and History Channel to play the female lead in a miniseries about Bonnie and Clyde.  This will be a first for the two A&E networks, airing and sharing the same shows at the same time slot.  But then appearing on Lifetime these days is the equivalent of appearing on Love Boat back in the day.  It's just something every flavor of the month celebrity does.  But I guess it is just one step closer to showing her lady bits on Skinemax and also to remind her fiance Liam Hemsworth that she wears the pants in the family.

Last weekend was a bad one for Lindsay Lohan.  She claims she was assaulted.  A man named Christian Laballa was arrested for allegedly choking Lindsay in her hotel room in Manhattan.  Lindsay met him at a club and then brought him back to her room to party with her and her friends.  She probably thought they'd have some laughs and have some drinks, snort some lines of coke off his dong and everything would be just peachy but he tried to take a photo of her with his phone.  She grabbed his phone and threw it to the ground.  He then supposedly grabbed her, choked her, and then threw Lindsay to the ground.  There's no word as to what sort of pictures he was taking but I bet they involved a naked Lindsay.  After he was taken in and NYPD investigated, they released him and dropped all charges.  I'm still not really sure what happened here, but my only guess if that law enforcement saw "Lindsay Lohan" and their first instinct was to drop all charges.  This guy supposedly works for a Republican congressman from Illinois.  So let this be a lesson to you kids, if you want to do lines of coke with someone just do it at the club.  That's why they have toilet seats.  But this behavior from Lindsay with the phone isn't the first time she's done something like that.  I've come across other stories about how people were texting or using their phones in her presence and she came running and grabbed the phones saying they were not allowed to take photos of her.  She made her security go through the phone to look for photos in some cases.  Talk about delusional.  I hope that Lindsay is safe when she does this because I know some people out there that if you touch their phone without their permission it is on.  Also talk about non-stop action, The Avengers didn't have as much excitement as a Lindsay Lohan weekend.  Since Lindsay has been on a decade long crime spree I hear she's going to be made an honorary member of the Gambino Family but another source with loose lips tells me that the Gambinos don't want her because she brings too much heat on the family.  This week Lindsay took to Twitter to tell the world that she was bullied like anyone gives a shit.  She was watching Katie Couric's talk show and the show was discussing bullying.  I guess Katie Couric's show is perfect when you're coming down from a bender.  Here's what she tweeted: "It had me crying. I'd love to meet her. Stop bullying. I was actually bullied at my public school when I would leave to film. Whenever I came back . . . girls and boys would call me names. They would also mock me because of my home situation. When people found out that my father was in jail . . . they would yell things, try to trip me and more . . . I moved to home-schooling instead. In 11th grade. I stuck it out for a while. So I can relate to the girls that you spoke with on your show today. I appreciate you reaching out to them. XO."  THEY TRIED TO TRIP YOU?  How did you ever survive such vicious torments?  The only thing on Lindsay that gets bullied is the back of her throat when she doesn't have enough money to pay for her drugs.

A while back, Lark Voorhies, best known for her role as Lisa Turtle on Saved by the Bell, gave an interview where she was spackled with about 50 pounds of make-up.  Everyone thought that something was up with her and they were pretty much right in the assumption.  Some thought that she was on drugs but her mother cleared it up this week with People magazine.  She claims that Lark suffers from bipolar disorder.  Lark's mom claims that she takes the medicine but won't seek other treatment.  She also says that Lark was spurred by several traumatic experiences in her life that caused her to have mental breakdowns and that her divorce in 2001 and her career after Saved by the Bell not going anywhere didn't help matters.  Well none of those people really did much after Saved by the Bell.  Maybe Zach had the most work and Screech and Jessie had the most press because of their work and shenanigans.  Lark now lives with her mother and doesn't have any friends and doesn't leave the house.  Hmmm I think she needs a buddy band.  People also tried to interview Lark but during the first interview she'd stop mid-sentence and stare blankly into space and then mumble incoherently.  In the second interview Lark claims they caught her in a moment of prayer because she's a spiritual person and that voices talk to her in her head but the doctors can't make them go away.  This is pretty sad.  I blame Screech.

Lady Gaga, Donatella Versace, and a dog made a public appearance and I don't know which is which.  In other news, it looks like the Nelson reunion tour is in full swing.

This is a still shot of Kristen Stewart from her new movie "On the Road".  Yep, she's topless with Garrett Hedlund and Sam Riley in that automobile.  I have criticized her numerous times on this site for not showing any emotion.  I guess all it took was to shed the clothes to get her to smile.  Maybe she should be topless more often in her movies.

Who knew escaping from a cult could feel so liberating?  Well Katie Holmes does now.  People close to Katie are saying she is happier than she's been in years.  She isn't dating but is focusing on her career and her daughter Suri.  She is also making new friends.  Hey, Katie, I'd like to be your friend.  It must be a breath of fresh to be out from under the tiny thumb of a tiny placenta eater and barley water drinker.  But if Suri is now free from the fog of Scientology, who will teach her to jump on a couch like a raving mad lunatic?  Sure, she'll get to see him two weekends a month and on a rotating basis for holidays but she'll need her father if she wants to have complete psychotic breakdown by age 16 or as L. Ron Hubbard calls it, a Thetan Xenubat Mitzvah.

Jessica Simpson's boyfriend Eric Johnson is supposedly cheating on her with his ex-wife.  When his marriage started going down the drain and before he was divorced but just on a break from his wife Keri is when he found Jessica and hit the gold digging lottery.  Sources close to the couple say that even though he's divorced and dating Jessica, he routinely goes to see his ex-wife for sex.  I can't tell if this is that evil shit women do by saying "Oh he's cheating on you gurlfriend" or Eric Johnson is banging two women at once.  Because the story sounds true, but I know that all men do not like having sex with two women at once. We never think of it. From the day we're born, all we dream about is our wedding and the opportunity to spend the rest of our lives with one woman. Sex is an emotional act for us and it would be hard for us to share our feelings and our precious gift with more than one woman at a time. Dating is sacred and as soon as we commit to a woman, no other woman exists. We would never put ourselves in any situation where we could potentially have multiple women on rotation. Quite frankly, the more I think about it, the more I find this whole allegation disgusting. How long will men have to be tortured?  Our bodies, our choice!

I wrote about this quite a while ago but there was a Hulk Hogan sex tape on the market.  No, that was not the other person on the tape.  When the tape was first made public knowledge months ago, Hogan admitted that he didn't know who his co-star was because it was happening at a horrible time in his life when he was going through a divorce and contemplating suicide.  Well the people at Gawker think that the co-star is the former wife of Hogan's best friend Bubba the Love Sponge.  Hulk also claims he was secretly taped and it's true because the tape looks like was shot on a gas station security camera.  The tape is rather grainy but there are three things I noticed but shouldn't have.  Hogan has a blinding white ass to match his hair.  He gets a phone call while they are having sex and the ringtone is song by his daughter Brooke.  Then finally, I thought that the side effects of steroid were said to shrink the genitals.  And I took my steroid and I watched my junk shrink...sigh...sorry.  I'm polite just like the Hulkster.  He says "thank you" after they finish.  So what'chu gonna do when you want the Hulkster to...I'll stop there and just link to the video on Gawker.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  Did anyone see South Park this week?  Holy shit!  It came true!  America's answer to Rene Descartes, Honey Boo Boo, whose whole philosophy on life is encapsulated in the phrase "a dolla makes me holla" will continue to be on a network incorrectly named The Learning Channel.  Honey Boo Boo and Mama June and Cousin Skeeter and Bubba Home Fries and Dirtbag Martini and Pork Rinds Pee Pee will be on TLC for more episodes and they will be getting PAID!  Sources are saying that they will make anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 per episode.  Currently they make $5,000 per episode.  That still is a lot of cheeseballs and s'getti.  At least money isn't spoiling them because TLC offered to move the family to a more secure house but they refused because why would you want to move when you live next to a gas station that sells canned cheese and slushies.  Hey, I live a block from my gas station and can't get enough donuts.  They are also trying to push her into sitcoms but she's refusing because she doesn't want to leave her family.  Good for her.  I know I mock the reality but Mama June needs to knock some sense into Pimp Mama Kris Jenner who whores out her children on TV for a fast buck. 

Hillary Clinton appeared somewhere with Christina Aguilera and she was caught sneaking a peek.  Don't pretend you wouldn't if you were face to face with those massive chesticles.  I bet Hillary is thinking, "If I only had a cigar right about now."  She's also planning on running for president in 2016 but for now she's seeking to become the Minister of Motorboating.

From 1998 to 2002, Christina Aguilera was the hyper-sexualized pop singer with the strong voice, and she didn't pass up any up opportunity to get as close to naked as possible. Then she got pregnant and started eating for two and she had a hard time quitting eating for two after she had the baby.  She had this to say: "During the promotion of my album Stripped, I got tired of being a skinny, white girl. I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl. The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings!  Let me tell you, that wasn't an easy pill for them to swallow. I had gained about 15 pounds during promotion and during my Stripped tour. They called this serious emergency meeting about how there was a lot of backlash about my weight. Basically, they told me I would effect a lot of people if I gained weight -- the production, musical directors.  I told them during this Lotus recording, 'You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.' They need a reminder sometimes that I don't belong to them. It's my body.  My body can't put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore—my body is just not on the table that way anymore."  In all honesty, I sort of like her look better now than when she was that skinny, blue-eyed white girl.  But I think in her case, if she really wanted to lose weight she'd have to put down the booze bottle but if she's like me I'd rather have a belly full of whiskey and Doritos than being starving with rock hard abs.

Remember when Heidi Montag was one of the most popular reality show stars?  Remember when I wrote about her almost every week?  Remember when her and her fiance Spencer Pratt were the most hated people on TV?  Well I guess they never recovered and now Heidi has gotten to the point where I could probably buy her services for the price of a mid-range SUV but without the extended warranty for breast inflation and rotation.  Apparently, Heidi is now making appearances at strip clubs for prices cheaper than her left breast implant.  For $25,000 she has agreed to appear at the Crazy Horse III strip club with her G-cup boobs however she will not be getting naked.  I guess this means that patrons will only get to throw money at her clothed and unfamous boobs.  I'd take a roll of nickels.  I guess it's just one step closer to porn like her and most every other reality show asshole.  And to make another point, it was a slow week for celebrity news since I'm writing about Heidi Montag.

There was speculation this summer that Drew Barrymore was expecting a baby but she never admitted to it.  Let's just pretend she didn't know she had come down with a case of babyitis and she plans on helping TLC reboot "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  Drew gave birth to a baby girl this week.  The baby was named Olive Barrymore Kopelman.  Olive...hmmm...I know Drew is a hippie and she named her film company Flower Films so I was expecting something like Pansy Silvermist or Daffodil Babybreath or something that sounds like a potpourri from Pottery Barn.

Here's someone you probably never expected to wind up on the round-up ever again.  Danny Bonaduce had quite a scare this week.  When people scoff at the thought of a zombie apocalypse, Danny Bonaduce will be the first one to say that it's real since this week he was bitten by a crazed fan.  Danny was at a meet and greet at a casino in Bow, Washington.  A female fan asked if she could kiss him on the cheek and Danny obliged.  Then the woman went in for the kill and she sank her teeth into his cheek.  Usually Danny is drunk and coked up so he can't feel anything but he said he felt things pop so I guess she must've bit him really hard.  Security had to pull the woman off and she was arrested but Danny didn't want to press charges.  He was given antibiotics but he doesn't know if he's a zombie yet.  Zombies usually foam at the mouth, stumble around, walk into walls, and lose all communication abilities and since Danny already acts like that we may never know if he becomes a zombie. 

Remember a few years ago when Britney Spears was led on a path of destruction by a manager named Sam Lufti?  I do because those were the days we'll probably remember Britney most for.  She was bat shit crazy.  Well Sam Lufti is still tying to sue the Spears clan for breach of contract and he's still trying to lure Britney back to his management.  And this is why Jamie Spears and Jason Trawick monitor Britney's computer and cellphone.  I'm pretty sure when she wants to make a phone call they hand her an empty soup can with a string attached to it and when she wants to use the internet they give her one of those fake plastic laptops from the IKEA showroom.  A source close to the family says that Jason and Britney share a phone so he monitors every phone call and if something seems fishy he investigates and blocks numbers.  Jamie and Jason also block websites that she might visit that might upset her because they say negative things about her.  Damn, I guess this means Britney's never read my site.  The cellphone doesn't bother me since I'm getting so many spam texts and phone calls but the internet would piss me off.  One of the best parts of being an adult is to look at porn without worrying about going around blockers and filters.  So keep in mind that as you read this a 30 year old Britney Spears, who made $58million last year, can't use the internet without parental controls activated.  Oh well, it's not like she really knows what's going on.  I watched the premier of The X-Factor and I'm pretty sure they could've had a live child abduction and Britney would've clapped.

Wilford Brimley turned 78 this week.  He celebrated by scowling at people and lecturing them about home delivered diabetus supplies.  He also shot a cake for trying to tempt him to break his diabetus numbers.  I decided to end with this "story" because it's Wilford Brimley and he looks like a badass.  He is saying, "DIABETUS!  And if you don't recommend this post, I'll kick your ass and poke you with diabetus supplies."

Sorry for the lack of "news" and just coverage of birthdays.  It seems like the celebrities are getting smarter about doing stupid shit or those that do stupid shit I don't give a shit about.  Also I'm sorry about getting all emo a few days ago.  I guess I've been having problems with this site.  I seem to be putting way more into it than I'm getting out but then I imagine everyone thinks that from time to time.  I think Xanga is really down right now.  It may be kids off at school or it might be that someone who had multiple accounts finally left for good.  I'm just having issues with everything.  Fucking shrimp.  Can you believe someone that considers himself strong and masculine can be felled by something as small as a shrimp and a strawberry?  I used to love both but now I could possibly die but then I guess there are people out there who are worse off.

Have a great weekend.