Well another week has passed and it's time for a round up.  My day was hectic mostly based on the flat tire.  I caught a nail, an Amish horseshoe nail.  You can tell because they have distinctive homemade nails.  I was pissed and then when I went to put on my spare I thought it was flat as well but the air had just leaked out.  Well everything is back to normal.  I watched an interesting movie titled Gentlemen Broncos.  It's made by the same guy who made Napoleon Dynamite so it's quirky in that same way.  Well I guess that's all from my boring life.  Round-up!

Uma Thurman gave birth to a baby girl three months ago but her and her current piece of man-meat, Arpad Busson, have been secretive regarding their baby's name.  I have a feeling they couldn't agree on one name so they never released it.  Well I think they ended up giving her ALL the names.  Now take a deep breath before you try saying this name in a single breath: Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. This kid has the name of a Chekov character or a Brazillian soccer player.  Then they tell People magazine that they're just calling her Luna for short.  The poor girl will have an identity crisis and have to go through so much paper when filling out forms.  But how the hell do you get "Luna" from "Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence"?  Maybe they should call her Raft Bee...RAAAFTB...her initials?  That sort of sounds like what they'd put poor people on when the Titanic was sinking.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green welcome a baby into the world this week.  I never would've thought that Megan Fox would be someone's mother.  They named the baby Noah Shannon Green.  OK, you tell me, is that a boy or a girl?  I've heard boys with the name Noah and now Noah is also becoming a fashionable girl's name especially in the Cyrus family.  Well I read a few press releases and it used the pronoun "he" so I'm guessing they had a boy.  I hope he didn't inherit her thumbs.  Noah Green...it has a nice ring to it.  It sounds like one day he'll grow up to be a jewelery store owner or work for an accounting firm.  And I also want to take this time to congratulate Megan on becoming a MILF.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were married on Friday in Italy.  They have been together for five years and it must be a big relief because now they can finally have sex because suppressing sexual feelings is the best way to build an enduring and happy marriage.  E! says the wedding could cost in excess of $6million.  They rented out a fancy hotel for all their guests for 5 to 7 days, rented neighboring properties to ensure privacy from paparazzi, catering the meals, buying gifts for the guests, helicopter tours of the islands, and renting up to 75 vintage cars for the guests.  Wow, I'm kinda shocked at the attention these two are getting. I was gonna trash this wedding something ugly, but now I'm rethinking it.  I mean it's Jessica Biel and girly-voiced Timberlake who owns Myspace...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...MYSPACE!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  It's nothing like the royal wedding.  I bet it will be boring so maybe I put my flight lessons to good use and parachute Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes in to the reception and give them the keys to one of those vintage cars.  You can't all it a Hollywood wedding without a DUI and cocaine flying all over the place.

I was searching around Google and I found this photo of Sandra Bullock and Chelsea Handler in a scene from Chelsea's show "Chelsea Lately".  Boy, oh boy, the things you find when search for Sandra Bullock finger.

Jason Bateman posted this photo of Will Arnett in a ball pit on his Twitter account this week with the caption "deep in balls".  I hope this is related to the Arrested Development movie.  Boy, oh boy, the things you find when searching Google for "balls deep".

Stacy Keibler turned 33 this week.  It's hard to put a finger on what she's famous for.  I'll probably remember her best as being a sex object on WWE.  Some may know her best for being related to the elves that make the cookies.  Others may know her best for being on Dancing with the Stars.  And still others may only know her as George Clooney's current piece of arm candy.  And according to some sources, he may be marrying her soon because a lot of his friends are telling him he needs to settle down now.  I'd love to settle for her.  Either way you have to admit she has a dazzling set of gams.  Sorry, I need to stop watching 1940s detective movies.  Legs, she has wonderful legs. 

Sacha Baron Cohen turned 41 this week.  This guy is one of those guys who I've found that people either love or hate.  There's usually no middle ground.  I loved Da Ali G Show and all the characters that eventually became movies like Borat and Bruno.  I'm surprised they haven't made a big screen Ali G movie geared for American audiences.  I'm also quite anxious to see him as Freddie Mercury in the biopic about the singer's life. 

Penny Marshal turned 70 this week.  I loved the TV show that launched her career, Laverne and Shirley.  I remember watching it every day after school.  I had the biggest crush on Laverne.  She has also had a great career as a director and producer.  She's given us Big, Awakenings, A League of their Own, Renaissance Man, and Cinderella Man. As long as I have my old VHS tapes of Laverne and Shirley, I will always love Penny Marshall.

John Lithgow turned 67 this week.  What a handsome woman!  Actually no.  I have always had my issues with this guy.  There are some roles that he's absolutely brilliant and in some roles you can tell he did it just for the money.  He was great as the preacher who outlawed dancing in Footloose but phoned it in in Harry and the Hendersons.  I detested him on 3rd Rock from the Sun but then I saw him on Dexter and I totally forgot about 3rd Rock.  His work on Dexter really was brilliant.  He's also written a few books and released a few CDs.  The guy is pretty smart just as long as we don't count 3rd Rock.

Michael Balzary better known by his stage name Flea turned 50 this week.  He's probably best known for his work with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band Red Hot Chili Peppers.  He plays bass and composes many of their songs.  I always enjoyed his work on the bass but then I could be wrong since I don't play it.  It sounds like he's a great player to my ears.  He's also been in quite a few movies including two of my favorite Back to the Future II and III and The Big Lebowski.  He played a Nihilist so there's nothing to be afraid of but say what you will about National Socialism, at least it's an ethos.

Rapper Eminem turned 40.  Look how hardcore he is in that ALF shirt.  I had that same shirt when I was a kid.  So by the transitive property all the women that love Eminem should love me because we share that same shirt.  I'll gladly accept all nude photos.

Rapper and wannabe politician Wyclef Jean turned 43 this week and celebrated by getting half-naked and posting this photo of himself on his Ducati motorcycle on Twitter.  He included the note: "TODAY I AM 43 YEARS OLD! I look And feel 26! U cant keep à good Man down! Keep à smile when they want you to frown!"  He wants us to smile yet he tweets a photo that makes me frown.  He should've posted a photo of Lauryn Hill from his old band The Fugees to make me smile.  He must not have made a lot of money in his attempt to become dictator of Haiti because it looks like he couldn't afford enough oil to oil up his entire body.  No wonder the people in Haiti are suffering.

Pamela Anderson posed for some photos this week to show that she's still a demure goddess whose farts smell of roses.  I do appreciate her can do and never give up attitude despite having no talent, no skill, and little experience and she parlayed all that to make herself a success.  It's nice to see her all beautiful yet having the dying liver from all the hepatitis she picked up from Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Miley Cyrus is definitely in the Halloween mood.  Her new haircut scares penises.  I guess her appearing without any pants on is supposed to make us forget.  Nice try, Miley.  BOOO!


Please, Lord, let that be the sequel to American Psycho.  Patrick Bateman gets released from the loony bin and goes on a killing spree that sees him kill Hollywood starlets.  Oh that probably sounded bad.  Oh well, you should see my dreams.  But seriously, I don't dream because I rarely sleep anymore.  Also how can you NOT expect this behavior from a ungrateful, unreliable piece of back-alley garbage?  She's basically going to be doing Cinemax style porn in a year or two.  Lindsay has also agreed to sit down with Barbara Walters to do an interview promoting her movie Liz and Dick.  Lindsay has avoided sit-down interviews because she fears the questioning will revolve around her drug use and not focus on the movie...duh...but she says she trusts Bawbwa to not take things too far.  People are saying the interview will focus on the parallels between Lindsay's and Elizabeth's lives.  Hmmm that's difficult.  Lindsay has only been married once.  Well maybe once but I don't think her marriage to Sam Ronson counts because gay marriage isn't legal.  Liz supposedly had a threeway with Robert Stack and JFK and also banged Ronald Reagan.  I wonder how many presidents Lindsay banged.  Who do we want to take bets on?  Was Gerald Ford still alive when she turned 18?  And after a quick wikipedia search...YES!

Poor Lance Armstrong...ever since it was determined that he had been using steroids during all his Tour de France victories, everyone is dumping him.  He had to vacate all his titles and this week two of his big sponsors announced that they were dumping him as a sponsor.  Nike said they were even going to change the name of a training center that bears his name but they will continue to support his charity.  Another sponsor, Anheuser-Busch said they will not renew his contract at the end of this month.  I think this is pretty bogus and sports fans are hypocritical.  When NFL players get caught using steroids people make so many excuses for them.  For instance a couple seasons ago Brian Cushing of the Houston Texans was voted NFL defensive rookie of the year.  Then it was found that he was using steroids so the sportswriters held another vote to see if he should still hold the award and he won it for a second time.  There have been plenty of other NFL players that have gotten caught and the public seems to forget but in the case of Lance Armstrong and baseball players people are unforgiving.  I doubt Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, or Mark McGwire will ever make it into the baseball hall of fame even though they all should be there but their names are simply LINKED to steroid use.  They never tested positive.  Sports be fucked up.

Kelly Osbourne is now some sort of fashion model and she modeled some stuff in some magazine.  How's that for reporting!  Some stuff!  Some magazine!  Don't read it here first!  Anyway all I can do is stare at her fingernails.  Why do people grow nails that long?  Is it to scrape up all the poop they don't get after wiping? 

Kate Gosslein had a rollercoaster week.  First she was on some show on Bravo and the host asked her about rumors that she nipped and tucked her face in the same manner she did to her ex-husband's balls.  Kate laughed it off and basically said she's Benjamin Button: "I am probably one of the rare few who de-age."  Please, if she's never had work done or botox then I've never eaten at McDonald's.  Maybe I should beat her with her wooden spoon for lying.  But then maybe she isn't lying.  Maybe the secret to maintaining such a healthy look is being a massive cunt.  Kate was also fired this week from her job as a blogger for a couponing website.  The CEO of CouponCabin.com wrote this letter to the site's readers: "A series of recent events have made it clear to me that Kate Gosselin and her contributions do not align with the authenticity which we set out to build almost a decade ago, and that Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at CouponCabin. It’s with this that I am writing to inform you of our decision to discontinue Ms. Gosselin’s feature blog on CouponCabin.com. Ms. Gosselin’s contributions garnered both positive attention and criticism, but as always, I respect and appreciate your candid opinions, which often encourage us not to lose sight of our mission — to help YOU save money.  We wish Kate, her family and her support staff all the best."  I hope they include in her severance package a coupon for 50% off a bitchectomy.  Then reading that again..."a series of recent events"?  Did he bang his head against a Kate Gosslein binder and realize what many of us have known for years, that's she's as pleasant as sticking your dick in a garbage disposal unit while drinking battery acid?

Here's a recent photo of Jude Law.  Hey @leaflesstrees is that SEX-AY?

In the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, the villain Silva played by Javier Bardem fondles James Bond played by Daniel Craig to which Bond replies, "What makes you think this is my first time?"  In an interview Craig said about this scene that he didn't think Silva was gay but that he'd have sex with anything.  Bardem said that the villain's main goal of his character was to create uncomfortable situations and that you can read whatever you wish into that.  So apparently they are building up to make Bond bisexual for the next movie and a potential gay scene.  So I guess that means there'll be a Bond Boy.  I wonder what his name will be, Dicky Galore?  Rod Johnson?  Admiral Winky?  Dick Explosion?  Andy Anaconda?  Bishop Beefstick?  Buster Bumtickler?  Chubby McThunderstick?  Widget Wombhammer?  Wormy McJuicemaker?  Yard O' Beef?  Yumyum Zippertrout?  Cyclops Cummingtonite?  Cobra Commander?

Hulk Hogan and his lawyers have contacted the FBI to investigate his recent sex tape.  Hey there Hulkster, no one wants to see your sex tape so why force it on the FBI.  He tried going to the police in Florida because he was sad that he was filmed without his consent but they said that since the tape was filmed in 2006 it was past the statute of limitations which is four years and also since the tape crossed state lines that makes it a federal issue.  Too bad he couldn't have met with them BEFORE the tape was released.  Hulk has filed two lawsuits this week, one against Gawker and another against Bubba the Love Sponge and his wife, who was Hulk's partner in the tape, for $100million.  Bubba the Love Sponge...god how can an adult go by that name...is screwed because on the full tape he walks into the room after Hulk leaves and says to his wife that they now possess a goldmine and if they wanted to retire all they had to do was sell their footage.  Heather replies that he shouldn't do it because then he'd be a rat.  The tape was supposedly released earlier this year but didn't gain notoriety until Gawker picked it up.  This week Bubba said on his radio show that he thinks Hogan is self-centered and released the tape himself for publicity.  He also said he hadn't seen the tape and that no one was holding a gun to Hogan's head implying that it was consensual.  Oh so I guess this is a thing when you agree to sex you also agree to being filmed.  Now Bubba is coming under fire because there are rumors that other celebrities have been taped having sex with his wife.  People are claiming that he allowed her to sleep with other people just as long as she taped it.  Former staff from his radio show claim that they've seen footage of her with at least two other major celebrities.  Since she has a thing for balding men who wear bandanas and were famous in the 80s I'm pretty sure one of those celebrities is Bret Michaels.  The other celebrity that has been suggested is Demi Moore but I'm thinking the way the world shits on me it will be King Kong Bundy.

Being from rural Wisconsin and doing weird things I am often confronted with the term "redneck".  Everyone thinks we stand shoeless and toothless in the front yard waving at any motorized carriages that drive by while our dozen children run around the yard wearing nothing but dirty diapers.  Well thanks to Larry the Cable Guy, he is sorting it all out.  He claims that he is a redneck and that Honey Boo Boo and her family are not.  I think trailers are going to burn for that one Larry.  He said it in a video on TMZ.  The thing is, I'm not a redneck but I know Larry's kind and Mama June's kind and they are pretty much the same thing.  Rednecks, while an adorable in some breeds, share a common je ne sais quoi denial about their position in life. You are not a thinker. You are not savvy. You are a redneck. It's okay, revel in the simplicity of it all as you lovingly hand wash your flannel shirt with the arms cut off.  This is sort of like when your drunk aunt yells at your zoned out on pills aunt for being a fuck up and tries to get her to make better life decisions.  It's beautiful yet trainwreckish and misguided.  Also this week Honey Boo Boo was on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he brought up how Mitt Romney said that give the choice of Honey Boo Boo and Snooki, Mitt chose Snooki to be in his binder of women.  So Jimmy asked Honey Boo Boo who she supported for president, Mitt Romney or Barack Obama.  Honey Boo Boo went about Kimmel's head and threw her support to Merock Obamaz.  Here's the video.  I guess that means we scratch off the names of Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, and Roseanne and vote for Merock Obamaz this November.

Do you know what time it is?  It's time to go to the big house!  YEAH BOY!  Flava Flav was arrested in Las Vegas this week for beating his fiance and then threatening to cut her son with a knife.  Foofy was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and felony assault with a deadly weapon. Flava was held on $23,000 bail and he later bailed out.  He should have also been charged with assaulting my retinas with his mugshot.  I don't recall "beating your ass" and "cutting your son" as prizes on Flava of Love.  Maybe if he has to go to jail, VH1 could make a new reality series for him.  What would it be called "Don't Come A-Knockin', the Jailhouse Bunk is A-Rockin'"?  "Inmate 452981 of Love"?

It's a slow news week so here's news.  Christina Aguilera doesn't wear panties.  So in this photo she is probably not wearing underwear.  She was on Chelsea Lately which is surprising since Chelsea Handler has voiced hatred for Christina in the past.  She only agreed to do the show if Chelsea Handler did the show pantless because she makes fun of Christina for never wearing pants.  Then when they were adjusting themselves in their chairs Christina said this "I don't like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It's just who I am. It's empowering. It's pussy power!"  It's empowering for her but now it's probably going to be weird for people to be around her but then they won't need an air humidifier because Christina won't have underwear on.  I kind of get why she doesn't wear them.  She's drunk a lot and when you're drunk underwear present just another challenge.  Also this brings a new aspect to The Voice or maybe I should call it The Moist...amirite?  I should probably get on the no underwear bandwagon because every time I go to a buffet and I want more food I feel that the elastic waistband is cutting into my midsection preventing me from enjoying myself.  FUCK UNDERWEAR!

Last Sunday some people, probably hipsters, gathered in New York City to play a game of kickball and Bill Murray just showed up and started playing.  No arrests were made.  The people posted the story on their Tumblr about how Murray just showed up out of nowhere and started playing second base and running around and then posed for photos with the players.  Then he gave everybody a high five and left.  Ladies and gentlemen...Bill Fucking Murray.  The guy is pretty awesome but I don't like how this gets media attention and the time Andy Dick and Randy Quaid got drunk and slept in my backyard doesn't receive any attention at all.  Damn liberal media!

Beyonce will perform at the halftime of this year's game where the Green Bay Packers become football's world champions for the 14th time.  In other news, thank god that Animal Planet will run the kitten halftime show so I don't have to listen to Beyonce or my small town will bolster the sewer system because everyone will use the pisser instead of listening to her.

Animal Practice has been put down.  NBC canceled the show making it the first show to be canceled this season.  NBC announced they will replace Animal Practice with Whitney...more like Shitney...amirite?  Are they even trying at NBC?  Two of their best shows are ending after this season and most everything else is a reality series or a news program.  I remember years ago when NBC was basically the only channel that my family watched because it had the best shows. Shouldn't they bring back Community?  Also they killed off the Dane Cook show called Next Caller after they filmed four episodes and realized it was complete rubbish and didn't want to deal with all the potential hate mail they'd receive because of Cook's character.  They should seriously think of hiring someone who knows TV and someone who doesn't think that bring back the Munsters as a drama is a good idea.  I'm open for the job, NBC.  Make it happen.  I bet running re-runs of Laverne and Shirley would get more viewers than The Biggest Talent Voice Center with Brian Williams-olution.

Jump in the time machine, kiddos, it's time to go back to the magical year that was 2007.  Right now Britney Spears' former manager, Sam Lufti, is suing her current managers, her family, for defecation....eh typo stays.  During opening statements, Lufti's lawyer alleges that the reason Britney shaved her head back in 2007 was because she was addicted to meth and didn't want her children taken away from her.  Here I thought it was just marijuana.  The lawyer said that her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, was threatening to make her submit to a drug test so she shaved it all off because apparently someone on meth thinks that the hair is the only way they can tell if you're using meth.  The lawyer also claims that on the day Britney was committed she was trying to overdose on Adderall and meth and ended up being carted out of her house on a stretcher and committed to a psych ward and that two days before Lufti tried to get her into a rehab center but she refused.  I don't know who to side with.  One one hand you have Sam Lufti who controlled a mentally ill ATM machine by shoving drugs into her mouth.  On the other hand you have Jamie Spears and Jason Tawick who are controlling a mentally ill ATM machine by shoving drugs into her mouth.  I think there might be validity to Lufti's claims Britney was on meth because her hair was so nappy back then but then that could've been because her diet consisted of nothing but Mountain Dew, Cheetos, gas station nachos, and caffeinated whipped cream from Starbucks.  You better look out Honey Boo Boo.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.