The only thing I discovered on Columbus Day was that the bank and post offices were closed.

If Marco Polo were alive today I’m pretty sure he’d be pissed that Christopher Columbus gets his own special day and all he gets is a shitty pool game.

I taught some kids yesterday.  They learned the rhyme “In 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  Now if I only had a word that rhymed with genocide.

If it wasn’t for Christopher Columbus this place would be full of Mohicans and a book called “A Lot of Mohicans” probably wouldn’t sell.

I think it's sad that the inventor of masturbation isn't making money hand over fist.

I went clothes shopping and I’m glad I did because these booty shorts really bring out my personality.

I think the only thing more traumatizing than finding out your mother isn’t a virgin is finding out she is.

If I ever have a daughter I thought the only fashion that I’ll introduce to her is the chastity belt.

When you say, “could things get worse” it’s a surefire way to make things worse.

All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they're a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

I used to be bad at procrastinating but I’m finally over it because I don’t do anything any more.

If you ever feel really stupid, just remember that when Apollo 13 came out, a movie critic called the ending “so Hollywood” and that“in real life the crew would’ve died”.

I had a pair of sweatpants that said “Planned Parenthood”.  They were my favorites but I spilled red wine all over them.  I still wore them around town but got so many looks.  I figured it was because everyone thought they looked fabulous.

I think the biggest indicator that I’m ugly is after a blind woman touched my face she puked.  Then the second biggest indicator was when my dog put a paper bag over my leg before humping it.

When you have a cold and are lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.

I like my ice cubes like I like my hopes and dreams: crushed

When I was a kid, my mom took a second job working at a gas station.  I would jokingly say, “Don’t quit your day job.”  However I wasn’t joking because we desperately needed the money.

If you don’t get a lot of “likes” on photos of your newborn baby, was it really worth having in the first place?

Prejudice is so prevalent in our society today.  Did you know that pregnant women are not allowed to ride rollercoasters?  That’s horrible.

I’m a painter and mainly do nude paintings.  For instance, I painted my garage while I was completely naked.

Not even that catfight between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey is going to be enough to get people to watch American Idol.

I didn’t watch the presidential debate mostly because both candidates have no qualms about killing me or my family in a drone strike.  I did have it on for a while and thought Obama was quick and witty but then I realized I was watching Benson on TVLand.  I also get that Mitt Romney only likes Big Bird and 52 of the other muppets on Sesame Street and wants to outsource the rest to China.  Tea Party members want to defund PBS because they are sick of putting up with liberal elitists like Elmo.  I guess Mitt Romney won the debate in the mind of everyone who doesn’t use politifact. Romney did say we are all children of God but forgot to include that that God lives on Kolob and he plans on funding NASA to find Kolob.

Madonna said she would strip naked if Obama won re-election which means that Romney will win because no one wants to see Madonna naked these days.

Pop stars are people we look to when we want to hear generic music or laugh at how they waste all their money and their lives on a crystal meth or Faberge egg collection.  It doesn’t matter how these people vote.

I don’t know about you but I think people sound friendlier when they speak with this alleged Wisconsin accent.

OK I’ll admit it.  I don’t know much about college football and just cheer for the girl on the trombone or playing it.

I think the reason I don’t get many girls is because to break the ice I slap their asses.

If you watch The Matrix backwards it still makes no sense.

I was watching The Simpsons and they kept playing that Carpenters song “Why do birds suddenly appear every time that you’re near?”  Well if a girl is asking that of me it’s because they birds are vultures and I’m dead on the inside.  Also was anyone else creeped out by Homer’s threesome with the two demons?

Since Mike and Ike broke up I have no hope for a relationship for myself.  But then I experience the awesomest thing ever, I fall for people that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in being with. It is seriously the best.

You know it’s pretty funny how the American Idol judges threaten violence against each other and still no one really cares about the show.  But then I’m starting to think that Honey Boo Boo is more tolerable than American Idol at this point.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

I got a sub from Subway and it had onions in it, and a button, and some glitter.  I hate it when those sandwich artists take artistic license.

Contrary to popular belief “bloody Hell” only refers to the west side of the underworld.  The eastern part of Hell is called Crip Hell.

Pick-up lines destined not to work: “Yeah baby, I didn’t misspell 'come' as 'cum' on purpose.  You know what’s up.”  “You make my penis erect.”  “I think I left a blowjob at your house, can I come over and get it?”  “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.” “Your legs are like Oreos, I want to split them open and lick what’s in the middle.”  “I want to Hillbilly Handfish you.”  “I’m silently staring at the floor because I like you.”  “You’re a beautiful girl like a diamond in the rough and by diamond I mean corn chip and by rough I mean underneath a couch cushion.”

I’m not above dating tall girls.

I think for Halloween I’m going to be myself which will be for the first time ever.

So many girls try to drink me under the table but the smartest girl I ever met drank me into buying her nice things and then once the money was gone she left me.

Back in the 90s it took me over a minute to get a bra off but now I can get her off in under a minute. I guess that’s called progress.

I tend to watch out for women that want to have sex with the lights on.  That sort of confidence scares me.

I got a GPS and the voice was a female.  I took it back to the store for a cash refund because she kept telling me to pull over and ask for directions.

The reason you got all those horrible class photos in elementary school was preparation for the horrible driver’s license photos you get as an adult.

Rhea Pearlman and Danny Devito are splitting up after being together for 41 years thus ending the shortest marriage in Hollywood. No word as to what caused the divorce but I’m sure it was a lot of little things.  I also heard she has developed a fear of penguins.  She’s also smart to get out now while she still has her looks.

I’ve got huge feet. You know what that means, ladies? I look like a fucking clown.

I have food poisoning and I’m at the stage where I’m bargaining with God saying I’ll never eat again if he keeps me alive.

I don’t want to watch a 59 year old Hulk Hogan wrestle so why would I want to watch him have sex?

It’s cute when your daughter pretends to be a cat at age three and crawls on the floor and meows but it’s not cute when she’s 18 and crawling on a dance floor shoving her ass into strangers’ faces.

Now that Will Smith has kids does this mean he just doesn’t understand?

Looper would’ve been better if they used Breckin Meyer and Bill Maher instead of Joseph Gordon Levitt and Bruce Willis.

The best part of erectile dysfunction is that you don’t have to wait to urinate in the morning after you wake up.

I am quite envious of Marlee Matlin.  She’s won an Oscar and never heard Justin Bieber’s music.

You can turn any pair of jeans into skinny jeans by eating regularly at McDonald’s.

I hate double standards between men and women.  Why is it that when a man has sex with a lot of women he’s considered a player but when a woman does she’s considered a lesbian?

I’m writing this post and I don’t think you even care so I’m going to type “throbbing meat pole” just to see if you paid attention.

When I get a laptop I’m pretty sure Xanga will the longest time I’ve spent with strangers in a bathroom.

Xanga is the place where pretty girls come to complain about not getting laid or having boyfriends and creepy guys like me try to seduce them.

Have you ever read a post on Xanga and thought that the Xanga team should be paid to be that person’s therapist?

Xanga is the best way to prove you’ve lost your mind.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.  Have a great...eh, I'll finish it later.

OK, class, I'm in a poor mood due to the Packers game.  I graded your last assignment and you get a B.  I should never grade assignments while watching football but those replacement refs sucking dong.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
    

B.  
   
What are your powers?  Are you a hero or a villain?  How awesome are you?

C.
   

Make sure you answer two questions.  You can answer three for extra credit.  Also make sure you answer the questions underneath the picture in question B.

Get to work.

A.  While not actually President at the time, I would love to have seen Teddy Roosevelt’s October 14, 1912 speech in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which he gave shortly after taking a bullet in the chest in an assassination attempt.  I mean, the line “Don’t you pity me.  I am all right.  I am all right, and you cannot escape listening to my speech either…” now that’s memorable.  Also, “…fortunately I had my manuscript, so you see I was going to make a long speech, and there is a bullet - there is where the bullet when through - and it probably saved me from it going into my heart.  The bullet is in me now, so that I cannot make a very long, speech, but I will try my best.”  How badass is that?

B.I have a black t-shirt with a huge pint of Guinness on it and it says "Size Matters" so my superpower is that I can make myself any size I want.  I can elongate like Apache Chief.  However I can't make myself bigger in the one place that matters.

C.  Take the Skinheads Bowling Next to Hitler

So tonight was interesting.  I wanted to stay home and just relax because this week has been rather trying.  I get a message from my parents asking me to go out to supper and then shopping at Walmart because they need me to carry everything for them and help them shop for new phones for their house.  Alright so I decide to go.  I'm riding with my parents and we stop at my aunt's house a town over and my dad shuts off the car and they get out.  I had to ride in the back of a minivan.  I will never own one of them.  There is no leg room, only if you take out the middle seat.  Anyway we eat at a Chinese restaurant and this lady is there making sushi.  I thought I should try some because I haven't had sushi in a long time and the last time I made it it was a joke.  I take a few pieces and was told that they were called California rolls and had avocado and cobra meat.  Apparently "cobra" and "crab" are the same word.  I eat the first piece and it's good.  I go for the second piece and something didn't set right.  What is this rubbery taste?  It was difficult to swallow.  Hmmm...something's not right.  Let me get some garlic chicken.  Why am I itching?  Shit there was shrimp in that sushi.  Yeah, I go into an allergic reaction and my arms are breaking out in hives like mad.  My stomach starts itching.  My throat starts itching.  Shit.  Well I'm back to normal after about 5 hours, just sneezing like mad.  I also like to see that I'm up to 3 people now who have created Xanga accounts after seeing something they didn't like on my page.  Apparently someone's brother was the recipient of a Hamburger Helper tattoo and they didn't like that I said it was "terrible".  You're welcome, Xanga Team.  I think that calls for some massive promotion of my site.  Now it's time for the round up.

This is Tiffany Darwish.  She's probably best known as Tiffany.  She was a pop singer who had a huge hit with a cover of Tommy James and the Shondells' song "I Think We're Alone Now".  Tiffany turned 42 this week.  This is from her Playboy spread in 2002 when she was trying to shed the teen pop star image.  Mission accomplish and Tiffany, I am currently saluting you.  I remember when that song came out and she went on all the mall tours.  I always pictured going to the mall to see her and somehow I'd rescue her from something and then she'd fall in love with me and we'd go on dates to the arcade where we'd play skeeball and I win her a huge teddy bear and then we'd go to the ice cream shop and we'd share a milkshake and then we'd walk back to her tour bus and I'd hold her hand and then she'd kiss me on the cheek.  God...I was so naive but I was realistic.  The only way I could get a girl to fall in love with me is by saving her life.

Sting or Gordon Sumner turned 61 this week.  He's probably best known for his music with The Police and his solo career.  Well maybe that's all he's known for.  He is a sometimes actor and this was from his role in Dune.  You know he's also into tantric sex which is a sex method of making love for long periods of time or something like that.  Since he's 61 and practices tantric sex I think that means he's been having sex for about 20 years of his life.  Oh and how is this for equality @leaflesstree ?

Drummer of Motley Crue and Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee, turned 50 this week.  How's this @leaflesstree ?  I was going to post a photo from his most famous or is it infamous work but I didn't want to shame myself or have female readers faint at the sight of his drumstick.

Former baseball player, Mark McGwire, turned 49 this week.  He is probably one of the biggest poster boys for the steroid era of Major League Baseball.  I was a fan of his when he played for the Oakland A's.  But after he left the game he became a pariah mostly because of the allegations to steroid use.  Even when he played he was hated.  I remember the 1999 season when he was battling Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs for the home run crown.  McGwire hit 66 home runs and Sosa ended with 63.  When I was working in the tourist trap, a person wearing a Sosa jersey was browsing the store and I had on the radio and they were reporting about the baseball scores and it turned out McGwire hit a home run that day and the Cubs fan was disgusted and said, "I can't stand Mark McGwire.  Sammy Sosa is such a better player.  I hope McGwire dies."  The previous record was set in 1961 by Roger Maris.  I still feel that Maris holds that record because McGwire and Barry Bonds have tainted the record with their links to steroid abuse.  Oh and here is McGwire's rookie card and here is a recent photo of McGwire as a coach.  Some big changes there.

Singer and bassist Les Claypool turned 49 this week.  Claypool is probably most famous for his work with the band Primus but I should let @unstoppable_inner_strength write more about Claypool.  I enjoy the albums Pork Soda and Tales from the Punch Bowl.  I remember playing Pork Soda so much in my final year of grade school and into my years of high school.  Also if any of you have seen South Park you have heard Claypool's skills.  He sings and plays the South Park theme song.  He is such a talented bassist and I probably am not doing him justice.

Ian McShane turned 70 this week.  McShane is behind one of my favorite TV characters, Al Swearengen from the show Deadwood.  I absolutely love that show and McShane was brilliant.  He has been in many other films including one of my favorites, Sexy Beast.  A few years ago I did reviews of every episode of Freaks and Geeks.  I've been thinking about doing the same for Deadwood but I don't know if people would be interested.  If you haven't seen it, I don't know if I should recommend it because it's rather rough plus you'll never be able to look at Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec in the same way ever again.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how those crazy kids over at the 4chan got together and voted in a contest that would see Taylor Swift give a free concert at the school with the most votes.  They voted for the Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Allston, Massachusetts.  Well the school received the most votes but there was a clause that said Taylor could refuse to play a concert.  The school was disqualified after Taylor and Papa John's got together and determined that the school received votes in an unfair manner.  But because Taylor is so sweet she'd give anyone who comes into contact with her diabetes, she donated $10,000 to the school and other sponsors of the concert donated $40,000 and each student will receive tickets to a future Taylor Swift concert when she comes near their town.  The internet's trolling pays off again. Everybody wins. Taylor wins, because she looks like a damn saint. And the kids really win, because their school got $50,000, they don't have to sit through a Taylor Swift show in their cafeteria and they got tickets they can sell on Craigslist.

Sofia Vergara was in New York City promoting her new clothing line.  I have no clue what she's selling but I see her promoting underwear in that photo.  GENIUS!  I don't normally wear women's underwear but Sofia has convinced me to but ten pair.  I really enjoy when Sofia talks about her boobs and I wrote about it last week.  Well this week she had more to say.  I guess because they are so big or something.  I'm no scientist.  I went to Lutheran school.  She said this in the October issue of Lucky Magazine: "I know [my breasts] have opened doors for me; let's be real. But I so hate when I see Gisele and she is wearing a tiny little tank top with no bra, like, 'Oh, I just threw this on. I look so cute.' If I wore that, I would look like I was pregnant or a fat stripper."  Oh, Sofia, you own the most perfect pair of 32F breasts in the world so please don't slap God in the face by saying you don't want them.  Do you think that Gisele looks at her mediocre tits and says, "I'm sure happy that I don't have enormous, delicious, scrumptious, drool-inducing hooters like Sofia Vergara"? No, she doesn't.  She probably wishes she didn't look like a 12 year old boy but then Tom Brady might leave her if she didn't.  Trust me when I tell you that if you looked like a fat stripper, the "fat stripper look" would be next summer's hot fashion trend. Trust me, I've stared at your boobs for so long that I'm starting to see the future.  They call me Knockerdumbass

Snoop Dogg, and I refuse to call him Snoop Lion because it makes no fucking sense, posted a list of why he is not voting for Mitt Romney and why he is voting for Barack Obama.  I think this should be a Xanga challenge to all decided voters.  You post ten reasons why you're voting for a specific candidate and ten reasons why you're not voting for the other guy.  Anyway I'm pretty sure that we could narrow down the reasons to vote for Obama to two, Michelle has a fine ass and Barack smokes Newports.  I also lost it at #3...Bitch got a dancing horse

Seth MacFarlane, the guy who brings us Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, and Ted, is going to host the 85th Academy Awards.  The show's producers had a press release and said why they picked MacFarlane: "We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh.  He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him."  I wonder how many semen jokes will be in this installment of The Oscars.  I have a feeling the people who picked him have never seen an episode of Family Guy and they heard his solo serious singing album and thought he was a swell lad.  I think I will definitely watch this because it will either be the best performance ever or it will be the greatest train wreck ever...wait...nothing can be worse than last year having James Franco, who was high as a kite, and Anne Hathaway hosting.  That was beyond awful.

Selena Gomez got a neck tattoo this week.  I have no clue what it stands for but she claims it's a tribute to her family.  The tattoo artist said that Selena was scared of the possible pain and held a friend's hand the entire time.  She is turning into such a rebel.  I bet pretty soon we'll see her smoking, having unprotected sex, and voting Republican.

Selena Gomez's boyfriend, Justin Bieber had a bad week.  During a concert in Glendale, Arizona, Bieber came out on stage and started singing and puked on stage.  Here's the video.  Either he's lip-synching those songs or he trained his butthole how to sing.  In other news, Usher has started reading, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but I'm not sure that's related.  After the concert Bieber tweeted "Milk was a bad choice".  Yeah because all that creamy substance isn't good on the vocal chords and it just coats them making it harder to sing.  So either he's knocked up or he's a performance artist and is giving an artistic interpretation of his songs or a woman in the front row flashed him.  Damn, I've never wanted to be a roadie for Justin Bieber as bad as I do right now. Do you know how much authentic Justin Bieber throw up is going for right now on eBay? On a $/ounce basis, more than gold.

OK so by now I'm sure most of you have heard about the news anchor from my neck of the woods who gave the response to an email on the news.  Well I think the biggest thing that has blown my mind is that her brother is actor Ron Livingston.  All these years of watching her in the morning while I get ready and she never mentioned that they were related.  I was just shocked but maybe that's because Livingston was in one of my other favorite TV shows, Band of Brothers.  He had this to say about his sister: "My sister Jennifer is an Emmy winning journalist and mother of three amazing girls.  She brings an exceptional dedication to her job, her family, and her community, and has been a role model of mine for many, many years. I'm extremely proud of her."  My mind is still blown and then I find out her husband is the night news anchor.  They really are bad at reporting at WKBT but then they are good about telling me that the golden keg was tapped at Oktoberfest.

Dang ol' Miley Cyrus is gonna be in a movie picture show.  Hot dang!  Well she's trying to make us forget that LOL movie and she's in talks with Lifetime and History Channel to play the female lead in a miniseries about Bonnie and Clyde.  This will be a first for the two A&E networks, airing and sharing the same shows at the same time slot.  But then appearing on Lifetime these days is the equivalent of appearing on Love Boat back in the day.  It's just something every flavor of the month celebrity does.  But I guess it is just one step closer to showing her lady bits on Skinemax and also to remind her fiance Liam Hemsworth that she wears the pants in the family.

Last weekend was a bad one for Lindsay Lohan.  She claims she was assaulted.  A man named Christian Laballa was arrested for allegedly choking Lindsay in her hotel room in Manhattan.  Lindsay met him at a club and then brought him back to her room to party with her and her friends.  She probably thought they'd have some laughs and have some drinks, snort some lines of coke off his dong and everything would be just peachy but he tried to take a photo of her with his phone.  She grabbed his phone and threw it to the ground.  He then supposedly grabbed her, choked her, and then threw Lindsay to the ground.  There's no word as to what sort of pictures he was taking but I bet they involved a naked Lindsay.  After he was taken in and NYPD investigated, they released him and dropped all charges.  I'm still not really sure what happened here, but my only guess if that law enforcement saw "Lindsay Lohan" and their first instinct was to drop all charges.  This guy supposedly works for a Republican congressman from Illinois.  So let this be a lesson to you kids, if you want to do lines of coke with someone just do it at the club.  That's why they have toilet seats.  But this behavior from Lindsay with the phone isn't the first time she's done something like that.  I've come across other stories about how people were texting or using their phones in her presence and she came running and grabbed the phones saying they were not allowed to take photos of her.  She made her security go through the phone to look for photos in some cases.  Talk about delusional.  I hope that Lindsay is safe when she does this because I know some people out there that if you touch their phone without their permission it is on.  Also talk about non-stop action, The Avengers didn't have as much excitement as a Lindsay Lohan weekend.  Since Lindsay has been on a decade long crime spree I hear she's going to be made an honorary member of the Gambino Family but another source with loose lips tells me that the Gambinos don't want her because she brings too much heat on the family.  This week Lindsay took to Twitter to tell the world that she was bullied like anyone gives a shit.  She was watching Katie Couric's talk show and the show was discussing bullying.  I guess Katie Couric's show is perfect when you're coming down from a bender.  Here's what she tweeted: "It had me crying. I'd love to meet her. Stop bullying. I was actually bullied at my public school when I would leave to film. Whenever I came back . . . girls and boys would call me names. They would also mock me because of my home situation. When people found out that my father was in jail . . . they would yell things, try to trip me and more . . . I moved to home-schooling instead. In 11th grade. I stuck it out for a while. So I can relate to the girls that you spoke with on your show today. I appreciate you reaching out to them. XO."  THEY TRIED TO TRIP YOU?  How did you ever survive such vicious torments?  The only thing on Lindsay that gets bullied is the back of her throat when she doesn't have enough money to pay for her drugs.

A while back, Lark Voorhies, best known for her role as Lisa Turtle on Saved by the Bell, gave an interview where she was spackled with about 50 pounds of make-up.  Everyone thought that something was up with her and they were pretty much right in the assumption.  Some thought that she was on drugs but her mother cleared it up this week with People magazine.  She claims that Lark suffers from bipolar disorder.  Lark's mom claims that she takes the medicine but won't seek other treatment.  She also says that Lark was spurred by several traumatic experiences in her life that caused her to have mental breakdowns and that her divorce in 2001 and her career after Saved by the Bell not going anywhere didn't help matters.  Well none of those people really did much after Saved by the Bell.  Maybe Zach had the most work and Screech and Jessie had the most press because of their work and shenanigans.  Lark now lives with her mother and doesn't have any friends and doesn't leave the house.  Hmmm I think she needs a buddy band.  People also tried to interview Lark but during the first interview she'd stop mid-sentence and stare blankly into space and then mumble incoherently.  In the second interview Lark claims they caught her in a moment of prayer because she's a spiritual person and that voices talk to her in her head but the doctors can't make them go away.  This is pretty sad.  I blame Screech.

Lady Gaga, Donatella Versace, and a dog made a public appearance and I don't know which is which.  In other news, it looks like the Nelson reunion tour is in full swing.

This is a still shot of Kristen Stewart from her new movie "On the Road".  Yep, she's topless with Garrett Hedlund and Sam Riley in that automobile.  I have criticized her numerous times on this site for not showing any emotion.  I guess all it took was to shed the clothes to get her to smile.  Maybe she should be topless more often in her movies.

Who knew escaping from a cult could feel so liberating?  Well Katie Holmes does now.  People close to Katie are saying she is happier than she's been in years.  She isn't dating but is focusing on her career and her daughter Suri.  She is also making new friends.  Hey, Katie, I'd like to be your friend.  It must be a breath of fresh to be out from under the tiny thumb of a tiny placenta eater and barley water drinker.  But if Suri is now free from the fog of Scientology, who will teach her to jump on a couch like a raving mad lunatic?  Sure, she'll get to see him two weekends a month and on a rotating basis for holidays but she'll need her father if she wants to have complete psychotic breakdown by age 16 or as L. Ron Hubbard calls it, a Thetan Xenubat Mitzvah.

Jessica Simpson's boyfriend Eric Johnson is supposedly cheating on her with his ex-wife.  When his marriage started going down the drain and before he was divorced but just on a break from his wife Keri is when he found Jessica and hit the gold digging lottery.  Sources close to the couple say that even though he's divorced and dating Jessica, he routinely goes to see his ex-wife for sex.  I can't tell if this is that evil shit women do by saying "Oh he's cheating on you gurlfriend" or Eric Johnson is banging two women at once.  Because the story sounds true, but I know that all men do not like having sex with two women at once. We never think of it. From the day we're born, all we dream about is our wedding and the opportunity to spend the rest of our lives with one woman. Sex is an emotional act for us and it would be hard for us to share our feelings and our precious gift with more than one woman at a time. Dating is sacred and as soon as we commit to a woman, no other woman exists. We would never put ourselves in any situation where we could potentially have multiple women on rotation. Quite frankly, the more I think about it, the more I find this whole allegation disgusting. How long will men have to be tortured?  Our bodies, our choice!

I wrote about this quite a while ago but there was a Hulk Hogan sex tape on the market.  No, that was not the other person on the tape.  When the tape was first made public knowledge months ago, Hogan admitted that he didn't know who his co-star was because it was happening at a horrible time in his life when he was going through a divorce and contemplating suicide.  Well the people at Gawker think that the co-star is the former wife of Hogan's best friend Bubba the Love Sponge.  Hulk also claims he was secretly taped and it's true because the tape looks like was shot on a gas station security camera.  The tape is rather grainy but there are three things I noticed but shouldn't have.  Hogan has a blinding white ass to match his hair.  He gets a phone call while they are having sex and the ringtone is song by his daughter Brooke.  Then finally, I thought that the side effects of steroid were said to shrink the genitals.  And I took my steroid and I watched my junk shrink...sigh...sorry.  I'm polite just like the Hulkster.  He says "thank you" after they finish.  So what'chu gonna do when you want the Hulkster to...I'll stop there and just link to the video on Gawker.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  Did anyone see South Park this week?  Holy shit!  It came true!  America's answer to Rene Descartes, Honey Boo Boo, whose whole philosophy on life is encapsulated in the phrase "a dolla makes me holla" will continue to be on a network incorrectly named The Learning Channel.  Honey Boo Boo and Mama June and Cousin Skeeter and Bubba Home Fries and Dirtbag Martini and Pork Rinds Pee Pee will be on TLC for more episodes and they will be getting PAID!  Sources are saying that they will make anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 per episode.  Currently they make $5,000 per episode.  That still is a lot of cheeseballs and s'getti.  At least money isn't spoiling them because TLC offered to move the family to a more secure house but they refused because why would you want to move when you live next to a gas station that sells canned cheese and slushies.  Hey, I live a block from my gas station and can't get enough donuts.  They are also trying to push her into sitcoms but she's refusing because she doesn't want to leave her family.  Good for her.  I know I mock the reality but Mama June needs to knock some sense into Pimp Mama Kris Jenner who whores out her children on TV for a fast buck. 

Hillary Clinton appeared somewhere with Christina Aguilera and she was caught sneaking a peek.  Don't pretend you wouldn't if you were face to face with those massive chesticles.  I bet Hillary is thinking, "If I only had a cigar right about now."  She's also planning on running for president in 2016 but for now she's seeking to become the Minister of Motorboating.

From 1998 to 2002, Christina Aguilera was the hyper-sexualized pop singer with the strong voice, and she didn't pass up any up opportunity to get as close to naked as possible. Then she got pregnant and started eating for two and she had a hard time quitting eating for two after she had the baby.  She had this to say: "During the promotion of my album Stripped, I got tired of being a skinny, white girl. I am Ecuadorian but people felt so safe passing me off as a skinny, blue-eyed white girl. The next time my label saw me, I was heavier, darker and full of piercings!  Let me tell you, that wasn't an easy pill for them to swallow. I had gained about 15 pounds during promotion and during my Stripped tour. They called this serious emergency meeting about how there was a lot of backlash about my weight. Basically, they told me I would effect a lot of people if I gained weight -- the production, musical directors.  I told them during this Lotus recording, 'You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.' They need a reminder sometimes that I don't belong to them. It's my body.  My body can't put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore—my body is just not on the table that way anymore."  In all honesty, I sort of like her look better now than when she was that skinny, blue-eyed white girl.  But I think in her case, if she really wanted to lose weight she'd have to put down the booze bottle but if she's like me I'd rather have a belly full of whiskey and Doritos than being starving with rock hard abs.

Remember when Heidi Montag was one of the most popular reality show stars?  Remember when I wrote about her almost every week?  Remember when her and her fiance Spencer Pratt were the most hated people on TV?  Well I guess they never recovered and now Heidi has gotten to the point where I could probably buy her services for the price of a mid-range SUV but without the extended warranty for breast inflation and rotation.  Apparently, Heidi is now making appearances at strip clubs for prices cheaper than her left breast implant.  For $25,000 she has agreed to appear at the Crazy Horse III strip club with her G-cup boobs however she will not be getting naked.  I guess this means that patrons will only get to throw money at her clothed and unfamous boobs.  I'd take a roll of nickels.  I guess it's just one step closer to porn like her and most every other reality show asshole.  And to make another point, it was a slow week for celebrity news since I'm writing about Heidi Montag.

There was speculation this summer that Drew Barrymore was expecting a baby but she never admitted to it.  Let's just pretend she didn't know she had come down with a case of babyitis and she plans on helping TLC reboot "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  Drew gave birth to a baby girl this week.  The baby was named Olive Barrymore Kopelman.  Olive...hmmm...I know Drew is a hippie and she named her film company Flower Films so I was expecting something like Pansy Silvermist or Daffodil Babybreath or something that sounds like a potpourri from Pottery Barn.

Here's someone you probably never expected to wind up on the round-up ever again.  Danny Bonaduce had quite a scare this week.  When people scoff at the thought of a zombie apocalypse, Danny Bonaduce will be the first one to say that it's real since this week he was bitten by a crazed fan.  Danny was at a meet and greet at a casino in Bow, Washington.  A female fan asked if she could kiss him on the cheek and Danny obliged.  Then the woman went in for the kill and she sank her teeth into his cheek.  Usually Danny is drunk and coked up so he can't feel anything but he said he felt things pop so I guess she must've bit him really hard.  Security had to pull the woman off and she was arrested but Danny didn't want to press charges.  He was given antibiotics but he doesn't know if he's a zombie yet.  Zombies usually foam at the mouth, stumble around, walk into walls, and lose all communication abilities and since Danny already acts like that we may never know if he becomes a zombie. 

Remember a few years ago when Britney Spears was led on a path of destruction by a manager named Sam Lufti?  I do because those were the days we'll probably remember Britney most for.  She was bat shit crazy.  Well Sam Lufti is still tying to sue the Spears clan for breach of contract and he's still trying to lure Britney back to his management.  And this is why Jamie Spears and Jason Trawick monitor Britney's computer and cellphone.  I'm pretty sure when she wants to make a phone call they hand her an empty soup can with a string attached to it and when she wants to use the internet they give her one of those fake plastic laptops from the IKEA showroom.  A source close to the family says that Jason and Britney share a phone so he monitors every phone call and if something seems fishy he investigates and blocks numbers.  Jamie and Jason also block websites that she might visit that might upset her because they say negative things about her.  Damn, I guess this means Britney's never read my site.  The cellphone doesn't bother me since I'm getting so many spam texts and phone calls but the internet would piss me off.  One of the best parts of being an adult is to look at porn without worrying about going around blockers and filters.  So keep in mind that as you read this a 30 year old Britney Spears, who made $58million last year, can't use the internet without parental controls activated.  Oh well, it's not like she really knows what's going on.  I watched the premier of The X-Factor and I'm pretty sure they could've had a live child abduction and Britney would've clapped.

Wilford Brimley turned 78 this week.  He celebrated by scowling at people and lecturing them about home delivered diabetus supplies.  He also shot a cake for trying to tempt him to break his diabetus numbers.  I decided to end with this "story" because it's Wilford Brimley and he looks like a badass.  He is saying, "DIABETUS!  And if you don't recommend this post, I'll kick your ass and poke you with diabetus supplies."

Sorry for the lack of "news" and just coverage of birthdays.  It seems like the celebrities are getting smarter about doing stupid shit or those that do stupid shit I don't give a shit about.  Also I'm sorry about getting all emo a few days ago.  I guess I've been having problems with this site.  I seem to be putting way more into it than I'm getting out but then I imagine everyone thinks that from time to time.  I think Xanga is really down right now.  It may be kids off at school or it might be that someone who had multiple accounts finally left for good.  I'm just having issues with everything.  Fucking shrimp.  Can you believe someone that considers himself strong and masculine can be felled by something as small as a shrimp and a strawberry?  I used to love both but now I could possibly die but then I guess there are people out there who are worse off.

Have a great weekend.

It’s always weird for me to attend weddings because as I’m either standing up front in the wedding party or sitting in a church pew I can’t help but think that in a few hours they married couple will be having sex.

Life is all about taking risks which is why I masturbate with my doors open.

I never quite understood the point of flavored condoms.  Do butts and vaginas have taste buds?

I can tell when people are mocking me for buying As Seen on TV products thanks in part to my Whisper 2000.

I went to the cape store the other day and wanted to try on a new cape.  The clerk asked if I needed help trying on the cape and I said, “No, thank you.  I’m perfectly capable.”

I don’t yell at my cats for drinking out of the toilet since I’m not a hypocrite.

I always wonder if the reason I don’t get good cell phone service is because my cell phone doesn’t wear a shirt or shoes.

I bet continental breakfasts were pretty awesome before Pangaea broke up.

I adopted a dog this week. It’s pretty confusing because it has the same name as my girlfriend.  My house is just so awkward with two bitches named Precious on all fours waiting for my approval.  HAHAHAHA…no one could ever love me.

It’s amazing how songs can take you back to memories from your youth.  Like the other day I heard“Love Shack” by the B52s and that took me back to the time I had sex with my neighbor in her family’s storage shed behind their house.  I also heard “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum and remembered the time her and I had sex in a train car at the old train depot.  Then I heard “Touch Myself” by The Diviynls and remembered how I didn’t have sex with her but masturbated to those thoughts.  Ah…the power of music!

I’m trying to find a way to get celebrities to notice me that doesn’t involve me being a stalker or having a terminal illness.  I like being friends with the local news anchors but I need something bigger.

What is the point of blurring out a middle finger on TV?  It’s not like I don’t know what it is.  Could it be a finger or a giraffe?  Or an ice cream cone?  Or Adam West?

I just want to eat whipped cream off Christina Hendricks' chest.  Is there a way I can get Make a Wish to make this happen?

Any girl out there want to role play “The Green Mile”?  I’ll be Tom Hanks character and you be John Coffey.  OK, so it’s just an elaborate attempt to get you to touch my junk.

I guess being ugly isn’t so bad.  Girls will have sex with ugly guys if they have a good personality and guys will screw ugly girls because guys will screw anything.

Today I head Soundgarden on the classic rock radio station.  I then disappeared just like Yoda did.

I’m watching episodes of Breaking Bad, The Wire, Sons of Anarchy, Walking Dead, Deadwood, Rome,and The Shield every single night of the week. I feel like I’m the biggest badass in the history of the world.

I’m pretty sure illegally downloading music is a gateway to meth.

I feel like I saved humanity ever since I signed an online petition asking NBC to bring back Friday Night Lights.

I think Mumford and Sons is one of the best bands out there today.  They took one song and turned it into two albums.

I can’t believe people fly the rebel flag.  You’re displaying that you support the losing side of the wrongest war in history.

Whenever I hear someone say they are a foodie, I imagine that they enjoy rubbing food all over their genitals.

Isn’t it weird that sleeping can get in the way of your dreams?

I look like Ryan Gosling if he ate three Ryan Goslings smothered in cheese.

If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie it’s not amore because the moon is fucking huge and would probably kill you.

In this election cycle I can’t believe no one is talking about all the free housing we give birds. Why don’t they have to buy houses or rent like the rest of us schlubs?  The avian welfare stops now!

My mom said all my pretending would never get me anywhere.  The joke’s on her because I pretend to be an adult and I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

You know you’re getting old if you look at your porn and naughty time toy collection and wonder if you should just put it all in storage.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I may be delusional but every single person that’s ever met me loves me.

I just want to be held…against my will…by sex-starved amazons.

My uncle Dave would’ve been 65 yesterday but he was born on October 1, 1941 so he’s actually 71.

Birthdays are a good way to find out how many of your Facebook friends you’ve never heard of before. I was pissed because no one wished me a happy birthday yesterday even though it wasn’t my birthday.

If I ever get married, my wedding ring will have a built in bottle opener.

No news about Huey Lewis and the News is bad news.

Do thermometers have to go to college so they can display degrees?

People think it’s bad that America is the fattest nation in the world.  I’d rather be the fattest nation than having the most donkey shows per capita or most horse meat markets.

Seth McFarlane is to white people as Tyler Perry is to black people.

I’m pretty sure that Aaron Rodgers has been hit with so many sacks this year that Rick Santorum’s chin is getting jealous.

Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

Pick-up line sure to fail: My herpes are in remission.

I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

I hear McDonald’s is bringing back their Monopoly game.  It looks like I’ll have a 1 in 4 chance of winning a prize or obesity or type 2 diabetes or explosive diarrhea.

Whenever there’s a gap in my posting on Xanga I’m usually doing something really cool like listening to my wine bubble and pop because it’s still fermenting.

I hope the hell the doctor doesn’t put me on Viagra for any medical problems.  What the hell am I going to do with a boner?

I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

#I #don’t #understand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga

I’m having a Xanga meet-up on this post because I’m cheap and need eprops.  Rec and comment if you want to join the meet up.

I never get dirty emails here on Xanga.  This is how I know I’m doing Xanga correctly.

The secret to losing followers on Xanga is to be yourself.