So I’m back. The reason I was gone was because I went to a Korean restaurant and it turned out that it was a North Korean restaurant. There was no food, no electricity, and the reason I was gone was because military service was compulsory and I had to put in my time. I don’t think I’m going back there and I may give them a negative review on Google.
I was expecting to see a lot of “I’m moving to Canada” tweets last week regardless of who won. The only difference in who won would be the spelling of the tweets.
I think to show my bi-partisanship I should enact a ménage with two ladies, one who is Democrat and one who’s Republican. We need to heal as a country and I’d like to make us cum together.
They should’ve voted last week on outlawing people from playing ukulele in public and double the fine if they post a video of their performance on Youtube.
I tried to vote on Prop 45 to outlaw skinny jeans. Also tried to vote yes on Prop 44 to rename avocados “sad apples”. Prop 43 was making people who call themselves foodies to bathe in bacon grease. Prop 42 was the legalization of marijuana and the outlawing of anyone who asks for a vegan menu at a bar and those bragging about being gluten free are arrested on the spot.
The internet is basically meth. It feels really good when you first start but then you can’t stop and then it loses its luster and you don’t get anything out of it but you still have to use it.
I don’t know which is worse, all this election backlash or that I have the showtune “Oklahoma”stuck in my head.
I wonder if all the actors in the Avengers movie were not as attractive and were ugly like me how hard that movie would’ve bombed. I guess that goes for any superhero movie but I just used The Avengers because it seems a lot of girls liked that movie.
It was so wise of Colorado and Washington to legalize marijuana. People will flock there for weed tourism and also camera sales will skyrocket so people can take photos of themselves smoking and blowing smoke of legal marijuana. And then there’s Funyun sales.
I heard a Nickelback ringtone today which means that Obama has failed in his second term.
If the world ends on December 21st I’m going to be pissed because then I’ll miss Christmas and I was looking forward to getting presents from all of you.
Remember record stores? They were awesome. Have any of you heard of this kpop? Gang Them Style is my favorite band.
The next time you watch a movie, don’t ignore the FBI warning. They list all the naughty things they’ll do to you. Trust me; you don’t want to break those laws. Your butt will thank you unless you are into butt stuff then go ahead, break the law.
So I guess this conservative movement to secede is just people being too lazy to move to Canada or maybe they figured that their threats were hypocritical with the legalized gay marriage and universal healthcare.
Can you imagine the day when a parent goes to name their child and the doctor says, “I’m sorry that name is taken. May I suggest Sara_013 or Sarasanaughtygirlxoxo?”
The real reason women love men in uniform is that the men have been conditioned to follow orders and women love men who are obedient.
If you were born this week it’s probably because you’re parents boned irresponsibly on Valentine’s Day.
Do you have to enjoy ICP to enjoy Faygo?
I watched a Bollywood horror movie last night or at least I thought it was a horror movie because one of the back-up dancers wasn’t dancing in rhythm to the music.
I’m not good at flirting because I always think that if someone hears something sexual coming from my lips it would be the most awkward thing ever and would induce vomiting.
If evolution was real, how come people are this stupid? Creationists-1, Evolutionists-0
It’s been 3 hours since the last bonkers update to the David Petraeus scandal. I think we’re due for another. What’s so bad about what he did? I’ve had sex with my autobiographer several times.
I find it funny that the producers of Honey Boo Boo knows they all speak plain English but feel it necessary to add subtitles because the elitists on the coasts don’t speak no real English. Welcome to ‘Murika, now speak ‘Murikan.
Have you ever had the feeling that Hitler’s final solution was an attempt to prevent Adam Sandler from being born because Hitler was capable of time travel and came to our time and saw Jack and Jill? Don’t worry, I can say this. I’m Jewish. How ridiculous does that sound? Just because a person is a certain ethnicity it enables them to say derogatory things about their ethnicity.
A recent study found that weight loss restored sexual function for obese men. They found it triggered two things. First, guys were able to find their dicks and second, they were able to get dates once they weren’t fat. Hmm I guess I am ahead of the curve because I can find my own dick.
I hear the commercial…every kiss begins with a “K”…since when did they start spelling chloroform, Kloroform?
I’m sick and tired of going out and being mistaken for Brad Pitt.
I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob, therefore I touched her boob...the transitive property...God I love algebra!
Did you know it's impossible to say "eBay" in pig Latin?
Masturbation is self-sufficiency in its purest form so is therefore the most American of any activities.
I saw a biker with a shirt that said "If you can read this, the bitch fell off." and wondered, "Does that come in a mask?"
I bet people stare at the television more than any other household appliance
Once to score free drinks at a bar in Minneapolis, I told people I was the fat,silent kid on The Cosby Show
They have a Throwback Pepsi that contains "real"sugar. If Coca-Cola were to make a Throwback Coke, would it contain cocaine?
If anyone goes to a NBA game, could you do me a favor and vote for me for the All-Star team?
If there's one thing I learned in life it's ladies of taste and refinement prefer strip scrabble or strip chess over strip poker
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
I feel like royalty when I dine at Burger King plus I love cardboard crowns.
The true measure of success in life is if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral.
Sometimes when people tell me a story about their life I get disappointed because I know the main character doesn’t die.
The high point of my teaching career was monitoring a studyhall where the students were passing around their cellphones showing each other photos of joints they had rolled and then teaching them the electoral process only to realize none of them will ever vote because they’ll all be felons by 2016. Then after the lesson I hear, “Mr. W, someone pooped in the urinals again.” I so need to get out of teaching in public schools.
“I’m not here to make Friends.” Me, when I went to NBC to interview for a writing position.
Has anyone noticed if Michelle Obama has been walking normally since President Obama won re-election?
“Don’t be a stranger” is something nice to say to a friend and a hell of an introduction to a stranger.
Yesterday the post office was closed. It affected dozens of people nationwide.
They keep talking about Fiscal Cliff. I wonder if he’s friends with Fiscal Norm and they drink at Fiscal Cheers where the bartenders are Fiscal Sam and Fiscal Woody and the waitress Fiscal Carla is trying to score with everyone except Fiscal Paul.
They often say don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Well you should if you’re a cannibal or the hand is made of delicious chicken fingers.
I like hanging out in writing shops working on my coffee brewing techniques.
It’s getting close to that time of year in Wisconsin when the snow is one the ground so once again I have to remind you people about the rules for eating snow. If it’s yellow never eat it. If the snow is red then that snow is for vampires only. If the snow is blue then it’s Smurfs only. If the snow is green then it was probably bought at Whole Foods and you don’t want any of it because the mark-up is way too high for people who have to resort to eating snow. If the snow is brown you have to eat it because it’s likely chocolate.
This weekend is a holiday in Wisconsin. It’s the opening of gun deer hunting season. Here’s a technique for properly bagging the big buck. First, find the deer. Second, give deer and Edible Arrangement. Third, ask deer to go to see the new Twilight or Abraham Lincoln movie. Fourth, pick up deer in your car. Finally, shoot the deer. Or you could just be like me and run it over with your car.
Remember last week when everyone cared about politics?
I got fired from my First Aid course. I taught the controversial, “Stop, drop, and roll but not if you’re near a swimming pool and have eaten anything in under 30minutes” technique.
Never ask a middle aged lady why she has a doctor appointment because she just may tell you her entire medical history.
Do you really wonder why Florida has problems counting votes? Watch five minutes of The Real Housewives of Miami and then you’ll understand.
Today’s weather forecast: Sunny and a high of 46 with a low of 27. Xanga’s forecast: mostly boring with increased drama this afternoon with a 100% chance of bullshit.
Xanga teaches you that there are people out there lonelier than yourself even if they have 75 different accounts and use them to communicate with each other.
Xanga should be about having fun, smiling, and making people smile. If you make it a competition to get on the top blogs or form of validation for yourself well I pity you. I hope you find a friend or a good therapist.
If it wasn’t for multiple personality disorder Xanga wouldn’t have 75% of the users.
Checking Xanga has become like checking my fridge for something to eat, it's the same stuff that was there before.
"The greatest thing about Xanga is you can create a quote about anything and totally make up the source."- Abraham Lincoln
Xanga doesn’t make you happy. It just allows for some of the insanity in your brain to exit through your fingers and enter someone else’s brain.
Fucked up and steady wins the Xanga race. But drunk, manic, and creating multiple sites works just as effectively.
Sometimes I get the feeling that someone on Xanga has killed before and I don’t like it.
If you’re offended by something I post, let me know so I can completely overhaul my site just for you.
Sometimes I think I’m funny but then I go back and read my posts and realize I need a therapist and another drink.
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