Sometimes I feel like I’m Dane Cook in that I’m not funny.

I was reading a story about a blind guy who commutes every day to work 40 miles away and I can’t even find a pair of matching socks.

If police can drive unmarked cars then we should be able to drive cop cars.  It’s only fair.  Get on that, Obama!

I told my mom that I planned on going out to drink one night this past weekend.  She told me to be safe.  I told her I planned on wearing a helmet, seat belt, and condom while drinking.

I have the strongest desire to sneak into Shaquille O’Neal’s house and replace his iPad with an iPad mini so that he thinks he’s getting even bigger.

I think the worst way to be dumped is when the person you’re seeing changes their facebook status unexpectedly.

We’re on a planet traveling 66,000 mph around the sun that’s traveling 500,000 mph in a galaxy traveling 1,300,000 mph in the universe.  Don’t you dare tell me to get off my couch because I haven’t moved all day.  With all that travel I’m exhausted.

I was at a restaurant and witnessed a white person get offended that someone ordered an omelet that was whites only.  They said, “This is the 21^stcentury.  I didn’t vote for Barack Obama for this nonsense and Rosa Parks didn’t sit on a bus for this either.”

Pick-up line destined not to work: “Girl, you remind me of a pinky toe because sooner or later I’m going to bang you on a table.

I’m 97% certain the only things scientists study are curesfor baldness or prolonging and lengthening erections.  Or at least late night TV infomercials have led me to believe this.

If there’s some sort of apocalypse that happens in December it’s going to be bad for the survivors because there are no longer any Twinkies, the one food that will never go bad. Everyone will starve.

The movie “Lincoln”is killing in theaters so I guess that means it’s Opposite Day or the Mayans were right.  The best part of “Lincoln” was when they discussed all the drama surrounding his speech given at San Dimas High School.

I loved how many of my so called “real Christian” friends on Facebook were more concerned with saving Twinkies with prayers than praying about all the bombs raining down on Israel.

Just wait for the time when they name a hurricane Voldemort.  Then you know everyone is screwed.

I’m a job creator.  I create lots of handjobs but that’s because I’m self-sufficient.

My doctor said drinking was bad for my liver and I told my doctor that nagging about my drinking was bad for his paycheck.

Why do motels still advertise that they have color TVs?  I think at this point they’d get more customers if they’d advertise they have black and white sets.

I often brag about how I’ve been smoke free for over 5 years now.  I’ll give you the truth.  I vowed that I’d only smoke after having sex.

My mom treats me like God. She doesn’t believe in me.

A few months ago my mom bought a cellphone.  Today she learned how to turn it on.

I like to drop my pants and sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”at karaoke.

Guys, if you ever are too drunk and want to talk to a girl, just quote Bryan Adams songs.

If you have never looked at every woman you meet on the street and wonder what she looks like jumping rope and how much she bounces then you have a better psychiatrist than me.

A study revealed that when a female laughs, a chemical is released in the female brain that is the equivalent of having an orgasm.  I guess this explains why I have so many female friends and why none of them will sleep with me.

I don’t get why girls are so picky about men.  It’s not like the homeless people complain that the sandwiches I throw at them have too much mayonnaise.

Does anyone else like to poop while they are on the clock?  You’re getting paid to poop!  It’s like you’re a German porn star.

I’m looking to expand my money and buy another house but I’m lazy.  I went on to the Home Shopping Network and didn’t like any of their houses.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

A study revealed that men can become aroused at the scent of pumpkin pie.  How bad are we as a society that foreplay has been replaced with baking? No, our society can be judged by the antics on Black Friday.  Oh what, Christmas is a religious holiday?  You could’ve fooled me.

I think Thanksgiving is the only day of the year when the Karadashian girls ask for white meat.

Never wear a red shirt to Target or a blue shirt to Walmart during the holiday season.  You’ll get trampled by an unruly mob wanting cheap waffle makers.  Black Friday is America’s running of the bulls.  Remember the proper way to celebrate the day after Thanksgiving is to sleep in and not fight over discounted toasters.

The best part about spending time with your family at the holidays is when they leave. Thanksgiving is the one day a year when families get together and realize why they only get together once a year.

The best deals on Black Friday were at the Dollar Tree where everything is a dollar.  Most Americans should be shopping at that store instead of digging themselves further into debt.

Screw Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I want to see a Walmart parade.

When it’s my time to die, I hope I don’t die in a Walmart stampede or hung with my belt in a Thai hotel room closet because I was beating off and needed that extra rush.  Either way is pretty embarrassing.

I did stand outside a Walmart on Black Friday with a sign that said, “The Line Starts Here” with an arrow that pointed to my penis.

I think I prefer my Thanksgiving yams with brown sugar and melted marshmallows and no yam.

The best part of having a girlfriend is knowing that she loves me when she says I’m a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t do the dishes.  I think she may be the one.

I bought some turtles at the pet store the other day.  Does anyone know how long I should microwave them before they start doing karate?

When they do a canned food drive, I bet the recipients are always frustrated they get all those cans of food but no can openers.

It has been unseasonably warm here this week.  I’m almost tempted to get a turkey, apply sunscreen, and set it in a lawn chair all day so it will cook.

I liked and then unliked Taylor Swift on Facebook.  I expect to have at least three songs about me on her next album.

I got a Ouija board and the spirit spelled out “OMG GET A LIFE LOSER AND LEAVE ME ALONE”  Does this happen to anyone else?

I don’t know why people are buying Twinkies on eBay for$60.  Little Debbie makes practically the same thing and they’re only 50 cents. But if any ladies are interested I’ll show you my Twinkie and Ding Dongs for free.

Did you know the “PT” in “PT Cruiser” stands for “Pussy Tamer” and that it’s named after my dad?

You know what would restore the economy and make America a superpower once again?  ORAL SEX VENDING MACHINES!  Another way to make the economy better is to invent a hair blow dryer that whispers sweet nothings in your ear as you dry your hair.

So they’re adding Maryland and Rutgers to the Big Ten which would actually make it the Big Fourteen.  Why don’t they add some challenging teams like the Packers or Russia?  They’re adding a school whose mascot is a flying sea turtle and a school that used to be called Queens College.  OK I won't say any more.

Turns out a rave isn't a get together where people talk about how awesome I am. It’s a dance where people talk about how awesome I am.

When a guy on a dating profile says he enjoys long walks in the park or on the beach he really means that he likes getting plowed by a girl wearing a strap-on.

French kissing is when you kiss a girl and she runs away.

There’s more to life than Xanga but most of us don’t know what that is.

A person once said, “When I grow up, I want to be popular on Xanga.”  It’s impossible to do both.

Google+ is the gym membership of the internet…everyone joins but no one uses it.

I usually run drug tests and background checks before I accept friend requests on Xanga.  I don’t want anyone who is normal and well-adjusted clogging up my inbox.

Every time someone recommends this post I think it’s their way of hugging me and telling me everything will be alright.

I was tempted to repost everything I had written last weekj ust to make sure you were paying attention.