I have a serious question for the Xanga Team to start this post. Why is it that when I started a second blog and made some off color humor attempts you blocked my IP address but when someone who has like 30 different accounts steals photos of Xangans and openly mocks them you do jack shit? This is why people are leaving. Well that and poor performance. I just wish someone would answer why there isn't fair treatment here.
All this time I thought Carly Rae Jepsen was like 16 but it turns out she’s 27 which makes her song even more intolerable.
Money can’t buy happiness. Money can buy sex, drugs, and booze…wait a minute.
If something is illegal in 49 states it’s always going to be legal in Kentucky,no matter what.
I’ve heard people complaining about the potential of marijuana tourism in Colorado and Washington. It got me thinking; don’t people go to Germany to experience Oktoberfest? Don’t people go to California to tour all the wineries? Why don’t people complain about booze tourism? Don’t people go to Amsterdam to smoke pot and have sex with hookers? We should totally learn from Amsterdam.
Remember how so many people used to wear all those ridiculously gaudy Ed Hardy shirts, jeans, and hats? Now you don’t see them that often. I guess God answers prayers. Christians – 1, Atheists - 0
They always say, “Opinions on abortions are kind of like nipples, everyone has them but women’s are more relevant.”
When the world supposedly ends on December 21st,all the Australians should stop using the internet just to freak out the rest of the world.
I was in Walmart and I had to use the bathroom. A large Serbian guy walked out and when I went into the stall there was a large dragon drinking vodka in there.
“Sometimes I wish my life was told in comic book form,” *-Godfather of Green Bay
I’ve eaten so much these past few days that I think I’m going to have to start wearing a pair of sweat pants with the word “Juicy”printed across the butt.
I have always toyed with the idea of being a porn star but because I’m so fat I’d have to be a porn galaxy.
I’m fairly certain that Hell will be an all ages nightclub.
How cool would it be to have a drugs expansion pack for The Sims? They make it seem like you can do everything for your little people so why not get them addicted to heroin and then live in a drug house with other Sims addicts.
Have you ever noticed that there are like a thousand different crime dramas on TV and all of them basically have the same character?
I can’t figure out which is worse, people who think they’re hot shit because they don’t read or people who act like intellectual assholes because they do.
I’ve often thought I was an open-minded person but I will never wrap my head around the whole species identify scene. Oh and furries.
I was brought in to help write the series finale of iCarly but they didn’t like my idea that the show should end with all the main characters in a psychiatrists office crying about the crippling depression they have on account of the cyberbullying they received from their webshow.
I’m fairly certain that my sense of humor is the only thing preventing me from having a mental breakdown when something bad happens.
When people use the “be thankful you’re in a relationship” it’s sort of like the “there’s starving kids in Africa” line of the dating world.
I saw a high school classmate this past week. He was wearing a “Come at my Bro” shirt. That’s the punchline.
Given the circumstances in my life, I think it’s time I part with my Batman underroos.
I was so happy last week when my drug dealer had a Black Friday sale.
“Oh snow you didn’t!” -sassy meteorologist
I was recently grocery shopping and found a can that said “All Purpose Tomato Sauce”. Looks like I can start saving money on toothpaste, laundry detergent, motor oil, and shampoo.
Do you ask someone with a basic understanding of manners,“Were you born in a hospital?”
I called up the people who make Meow Mix with a business opportunity. I said they needed to deliver their food for cats like how humans order pizza and Burger King. I said that the new commercials could be “I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix, we deliver.” They hung up on me.
The closest thing I’ll ever have to a threesome is Neapolitan ice cream.
My business card is just someone else’s with my information written on the back.
NASA said there’s no reason to fear the apocalypse happening in 2012 because it happened in 2006.
My body is a temple but no one has worshiped here in an awfully long time.
30% of married women say their pets are better listeners than their spouses. 70% of pets say this crazy lady won’t shut up.
ExxonMobil says that by 2040 half of all cars in the world will be hybrids. The other half will be on the front lawns of rednecks.
Girls, are you looking for a bad boy? Just to let you know, I’m a pretty bad boy Scrabble player. I let people use proper names and places.
I bought my girlfriend a bullet-proof vest for Christmas because I bought myself a handgun and a case of vodka.
I went to Walmart and tried to buy a 60 inch TV because it said it cost $20. Little did they know, I got a price gun for Christmas, which means I found an unattended price gun in the toy section.
Here's your weekly dose of motivation:
My girlfriend said she’d never try to understand sports fora man unless he had a big dick. I like sitting alone while I watch sports.
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Mars is home to future human colonies and Venus is 860F. It’s no wonder women on Earth are always complaining about how cold they are.
My last girlfriend broke up with me when I demanded that when we had sex that she scream “Come on down” and then play The Price is Right theme song while I ran naked through the house.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and them I realized that Fred Durst is a millionaire.
The only cardio work I’ve gotten this week is running from Salvation Army bell ringers chasing me after I’ve grabbed the kettle.
I had the best Cyber Monday ever. I had sex with a robot through yahoo IM. I totally understand why everyone makes a big deal about cybering Monday. Now I just wonder if the lube I ordered will get here by next Cyber Monday.
I was thinking of having sex. Has it changed much since the 20th Century?
Whenever I eat a pistachio that was already out of the shell I feel like I’ve let down my parents.
I find it disgusting that we celebrate the 47% of Pilgrims who felt entitled to the handouts from the socialist Native Americans. The only lesson I’ve learned from Thanksgiving is never meet new people because they’ll just slaughter my population.
Have you ever noticed that cats lick their fur with their eyes closed? Do you think they’re imagining licking hairy ice cream cones?
Why hasn’t Pottery Barn devoted a section to creating your own pottery while shirtless and while Unchained Melody plays?
The United States postal service is out of money so we should all help bolster the economy by going out and buying plenty of stamps and sending things to each other this holiday season and to make sure it gets there in a speedy manner we should send everything via UPS. Speaking of UPS, did you know when they have you sign on one of those digital things you can sign anything. Today I signed my name as “Big Balls McGee”and nothing happened.
I do some of my best thinking while showering but it’s a shame I only do it once a month.
One time when a girl temporarily broke up with me in middle school my parents grounded me for being unlovable. Then I got back with her and dated into high school and then she cheated on me and got pregnant by the other guy. I broke up with her and my parents applauded me for dumping that two-timing ho.
I remember a time I was smoking a cigar outside my house and a woman drove by, got out of her car, and said smoking will kill me. I replied, “Not if the crippling depression does it first.”
I like to wear a lot of bad cologne. If a girl can be around me without throwing up when I’m wearing cologne then she can stomach seeing me naked.
This year I was really thankful for my followers on Xanga and this bottle of wine. I was also thankful for my penis and the girls who want to use it. And then I was thankful for not being constipated later on during Thanksgiving.
Why is it that on Tumblr and Twitter it’s considered awesome to have a lot of followers but if you have a lot of friends on Xanga and Facebook it’s weird?
After every post on Xanga and seeing the lack of comments, I throw down my mouse and scream in my best Russell Crowe voice, “Are you not entertained?”
I’ve often thought that making your posts private is like hiring security guards to guard your toilet bowl.
I think I’ll delete my blog as a Christmas gift to all of you.
Xanga, you’ve been so buggy lately and you have a knack for ruining a good thing. I should probably start calling you “Hot Topic”.
It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.
I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga. It would certainly lead to less drama.
I quit therapy 7 years ago. In a totally unrelated move, I started Xanga 7 years ago.
I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.
Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.
What good is being famous on Xanga if my cats don’t understand?
Before I wrote on Xanga, I would write everything on paper,put it in a bottle, float it down the Mississippi,hope that someone out there would get it. Get it?
*From “The Fantabulously Ridiculosity Adventures of Godfather of Green Bay” #37
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