I hate getting old.  Arthritis really sucks.  I got all my grape wine bottled now so it just has to age and then I'll probably have to do another round of filtering because I've noticed sediment settling in the bottom of the bottles.  Tomorrow or this weekend I hope to bottle my hard lemonade.  Well enough boring stuff, time for links and tattoos.

1.  When I was a kid one of the best toys you could get was the action figure.  There were so many out there.  It seemed like the best way to merchandise a movie or TV show was to create a line of action figures.  Well here are 7 action figures that didn't do so well and actually ruined their characters.  I am glad that I didn't have any of those.

2.  There's not much you can do with old cassettes...not so fast...here are 11 cool things made from old cassettes.

3.  I've been toying with the idea of doing a post about bad cakes.  Well I haven't gotten around to it so here is a collection of bad cakes.

4.  I enjoy the Muppets and I know a few of you do as well.  Here are 11 Muppets who made 11 or fewer appearances on the Muppet Show.

5.  Here are 11 pop culture references a lot of younger readers won't understand.  I guess I am old because I understood a majority of those.

6.   I enjoy TV shows and I love tracing shows based and their spin-offs.  It's always amazing to see how many spin-offs All in the Family and Happy Days inspired although I don't know if you can count Happy Days since it is somewhat of a spin-off.  Anyway here's 11 spin-offs that almost happened.

7.  I mentioned I enjoy find the lists on wikipedia.  Here is a list of headgear.

8.  Are you hosting a party and looking for a game to play?  Well try Cards Against Humanity.  It's sort of like that Apples to Apples but for degenerates.

9.  Now that the election is over we can get back to our daily lives and prepare for the 2014 midterm election.  But before you do that check out this collection of funny campaign signs for fictional campaigns.

10.  Are you looking for a Christmas present for that hard to shop for person on your list?  What do you get for the person who has it all?  VELVET PAINTINGS FOR YOUR INNER-NERD!

11.  I'm looking to lose some weight but I'll avoid these 8 disturbing diets.  #6 on that list...Wisconsin is a wild place.

12.  I'm not much of a fan of the Garfield comic strip but then I found Garfield as Garfield and was an instant fan.  President James Garfield replaces Garfield the cat and hilarity ensues.

Tattoo Time!

I guess that's one way to take away from being self-conscious about scars.

Unless the person you love dies

I think if you'd try that you might need a tattoo to cover up a bite scar.  I know I should get one to cover up my dog bite scar.

Well I think I'm going to have nightmares now.  I'm sure there is a story here but all I can think of is American Horror Story.

Yes, us Wisconsinites not only enjoy Big Macs but we also like our PBR.

Well the all seeing eye didn't see someone take a bite out of it.

I at first thought, "Oh how fitting, putting the Jews next to the Nazis" but that swastika isn't twisted so it's from Hinduism.

I don't think I'll be able to eat pepperoni pizza ever again.

I hope moss doesn't grow on that rolling stone

It's nice to see your mom getting outside and going for a walk.

Well that's just swell

In the not-too-distant future --
Next Sunday A.D. --
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Cambot! (Pan left!)
Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
Croooow! (He's a wisecracker.)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

I bet someone was celebrating the Colorado and Washington state election results.

I saw this on Tumblr.  You gotta have a notary.  You just gotta.

Eyeball  iced pastry carrot all?  Oh well, have a great weekend.

Vote for me!  I’m full of shit but I admit it!  I have inhaled!  I wear boxer briefs!  Taxes! I’m GodfatherofGreenBay and I approve this message.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

I sometimes get upset when I go to XHamster and see that it still isn’t filled with videos of extreme hamsters skateboarding and skydiving.

I’m fairly certain that if cats could talk all they’d say are lines from famous movie villains.

Studies find that when you show young children a photo of Barack Obama, a photo of Mitt Romney, and a photo of Spongebob, most parents will scream, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHILD! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?”

Disney bought Lucasfilms and apparently they are going tore-release Star Wars: A New Hope and it will contain more singing birds and no one will shoot first and everything will be worked out in a song and dance number.  And if I was a betting man, I’d bet Disney would cast Michael Cera or Zac Efron as Luke Skywalker.  Disney could’ve waited until after the hurricane to announce it bought Lucasfilms. We don’t need two tragedies at the same time.

I’ve been toying with a blog that is nothing but photos of fat guys in baseball hats.  Gratuitous GPOYs to follow.

My rap career never took off because I lost a rap battle to a Walmart greeter on an oxygen tank.

Taylor Swift’s publicist said that Taylor won’t be talking about her break-up with Connor Kennedy.  Nope, she’ll just write a bunch of passive aggressive songs about it for her next album.

Ending classes with a re-enactment of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s “I’m an idiot” speech in Boogie Nights sounds like a good idea, but it’s not.

I’m pretty sure Romney and Obama are praying that Grumpy Cat with Bad News Brian as his running mate doesn’t enter the race

I’m working on getting my doctorate just so when I order take out I can have it delivered to Dr. Godfather and when they hand me the pizza I can sniff it and say, “MMMM just what the doctor ordered.”

It was bad that the New York City marathon was canceled but it was good for three Kenyan runners that were signed by Rex Ryan to be in a super-secret wildcat formation for the New York Jets. It’s so different that they have Tim Tebow playing guard or backfield judge.

It’s also a shame they canceled the race because now all those who trained to run have to settle for is being alive and healthy.

You know if CSI was set in 1990 they would’ve had an opening like this: “This kid looks like he fell to death attempting to jump off a brick wall and onto a car.”  “Well, I guess Parkour Luis can lose.”  YEAH!

I wonder if someone ever gets pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving they can get off by telling the cop that they were driving ironically.

I wonder how long it will be before Hollywood makes a Hurricane Sandy movie.

You think No Shave November is easy?  Try No Bathe November.  It harkens back to the Elizabethan Days where everything was so much better.  Sigh…I was born in the wrong century.

I’m fairly certain that farts are just evil spirits leaving our body because we eat certain foods that they can’t stand.

I like watching the Dallas Cowboys play because even when sitting at home there’s always a chance I could catch a Tony Romo pass.

I was having a conversation with my mom about a soup supper at my church and she was trying to tell me that she had to deliver soup to a person.  I asked who and she answered,“Kathy Prees.”  I didn’t know who this person was so I asked where they live and my mom said, “Oh come on you know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I said I didn’t and she said, “you used to make bike ramps in the backyard.”  I made bike ramps everywhere when I was a kid.  “Kathy Prees lives up the block from where we used to live.  You have to know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I finally lost it and yelled, “I don’t know any Kathy Prees so how the hell am I supposed to know where Kathy Prees lives?”  “I wasn’t saying ‘Kathy Prees,’ Matthew, I was saying ‘Catholic priest’.”  Well that makes sense now.  I need to start looking for hearing aids.

I just accidentally took a daytime cold medicine instead of a nighttime cold medicine.  I’ve had three cups of coffee, it’s 225 miles to Chicago,I’ve got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark outside and I’m wearing sunglasses.  It’s time to get weird.

Whenever you talk to someone who is attractive, the chances you do something stupid multiply by 100.

Papercuts are the last act of vengeance committed by trees.

Why is it that people want a piece of cake after someone has blown and spit on it?

A study found that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has an 89% approval rating.  Only two people have higher ratings, Abraham Lincoln with 91% and Jesus with93%.  I wonder if this means that many years from now people will deny that Aaron Rodgers existed.

I conducted a research study with a group of astrophysicists and we determined that the earth does not revolve around my ex-girlfriend.

Do you know that look women get right before they have sex?  Yeah, I don’t either.

I have a huge money making idea.  I’m going to invent a remote control that will find my other lost remote controls. Who am I kidding?  I’d lose that one too.

I have another big money making opportunity.  I want to make an ice cream sandwich that doesn’t make your fingers look like you’ve been playing with your own feces after you eat it.

I’m going to write the memoirs of my childhood but I’m going to make it all about bounce houses and hitting homeruns in little league.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away or in my case three apples a day keep my hemoglobin levels higher than those of a five year old.

The best part of having hardwood floors is that you can put on socks and pretend you are ice skating. The worst part of having hardwood floors is that I can no longer feel my legs after that last fall.

I think after Tuesday, Electoral College will take the number one spot in the BCS rankings.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’m writing in Teddy Roosevelt’s name and when you complain about me not voting for a living candidate I let loose my candidate on you so he can feast on your flesh.

I find it amazing how much Canadians know about our election.  Cheers to you, Canadians.  I really should find out what Prime Minister Gretzsky and Vice Prime Minister Lemieux are up to these days.

I’m not Democrat or Republican.  I’m an American and I want the best person for this country and none of this fucking bickering.  You should want the same.  If you keep whining about politics and saying you’re going to move to Canada, THEN MOVE!  They can tolerate whiny assholes better than Americans.  But I'd like to hear you conservatives rationalize their socialized medicine and legalized gay marriage.

Who do you think will be on Dancing with the Stars first:Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, or Paul Ryan?

Obama’s a socialist. He’s very social.  We talked on the phone for hours talking about girls, beer, and homework.

Honestly, I’m more interested in early drinking than early voting.  I have to get to the bottom of this rumor that liquor can be sold on Election Day while the polls are open.

It’s not considered drinking alone if you do it sitting in front of a mirror.

I hate how people think people have foodstamps handed to them on silver platters.  If their poor and on foodstamps they probably can’t afford silver platters.

When people say they have blind optimism it’s because they can’t see how shitty their life has become.

I was talking to guy who was a foreign exchange student at my high school back in the day.  He said he’s not like most Germans.  I asked, “Oh so you’re not into poop porn any more?”

If you commit suicide you’ll live to regret it.

If vegans and vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating all their food?

I was at the gas station and the clerk said, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this dark already.” REALLY?  YOU CAN’T?  It’s not like this phenomena happens every single year at this time.

The real reason Applebee’s is offering free meals to veterans on Veterans’ Day is because they’re trying to help the veterans that are having a difficult time transitioning from MRE’s to real food.

Things never end in Ethiopia because there are no singing fat ladies.

If I looked like Tim Tebow I wouldn’t be a good Christian.

Everyone is gifted but not everyone opens the package at the same time.

A friend of mine told me that he likes to pleasure himself while thinking of his wife in the shower. I replied, “Good to know I’m not alone.”

Being popular on Xanga is like sitting at the popular table in a mental hospital.

One thing I’ve noticed is that when people on Xanga say they’re posting links to their nudes but they don’t link to actual nude pics.  So here’s a shout-out to all the people that actually link to their nude pics.

Xanga is pretty much like masturbation.  You are here to please yourself and if others like what you do then that’s even better.

If you’re new to Xanga then I have some advice for you…LEAVE!

When I see someone has unfriended me on Xanga, I get pissedo ff and say, “Fuck that loser” but then I read the post where I talked about soaking my girlfriend’s tampons in horse tranquilizers to keep her mellow during her period and then I’m saying, “Yeah, I feel you.  I’d unfriend me too.”

Get ready Xanga, we are now entering the time of the year when I become irrationally livid with anyone who lives in a tropical or subtropical climate.  It snowed today.

A recent study revealed that the thing that brings people closest together is the mutual hatred of a third party.  Ladies, email me which Xangans you hate and I’ll see if we match up or you can just do the old-fashioned thing and send me nude photos.

Now people who are addicted to Xanga can log off from their home computer, walk to their car, log back on to Xanga while they go to work.

You do realize that in the time it took you to read this that somewhere in the world a teenage boy was caught masturbating by his mom.

And that is why you never run a race against a Kenyan.

I take it Xanga's servers are down because I can't upload photos in my editor but I can in the photo section.  I did read your last assignment.  I just didn't reply because I'm a little tired and this hurricane is really getting me down.  I give you all an A+.

Here's your next assignment.

A.
   

B.
  

C. 
  

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  I would fight Ernest Hemingway.  That dude just seems like he'd put up a hell of a fight but once I'd get an upperhand he'd be dejected and end the fight himself.

B.  I'd probably pick Grateful Dead because no two shows would be the same and there was always good drugs floating around at their concerts.

C.  1.  Jerry Garcia  2.  Roger Waters  3.  John Bonham  4.  Rebecca Black  5.  Jim Morrisson  6.  John Lennon  7.  Jimi Hendrix

I was supposed to post these yesterday but I was battling an allergic reaction to something and I felt ill so I didn't post.

Every time I go to the john,
As I unzip and pull out my wand,
You always enter my mind
And too quickly I find,
I’m too hard to get anything done

This morning I found with delight
My cock had grown a foot overnight
It hangs below my knees
All the girls will be so pleased
Though at first it may give them a fright

There once was a library maven
whose reading style bordered on craven--
She'd read 50 Shades,
disrobe page by page--
And got kicked out for nude misbehavin'

There once was a rightie called Akin
Whose science was greatly mistaken.
"If the rape is legitimate,
her body'll get rid of it"
Could ya get me the drugs that HE's takin'?

Mitt Romney said 47 Percent.
The liberals became quite content.
While Romney back peddles--
The President settles...
And finds victory in Mitt's descent

There’s a Korean pop song called Gangnam,
Whose singer hoped that ladies would bang’im
It’s annoying and long,
A repetitive song,
I wish they’d find the writer and hang ‘im.

In Hollywood,there came a notion
To make fan boys cause a commotion
"Ninja Turtles?" They'd say,
"Just get Michael Bay
For two hours worth of explosions."

Americans who don't pay tax
say "Romney, just get off our backs"
Your life's one big goof,
like that dog on your roof,
our disdain for you just hit the max.

There once was a fellow named Mitt,
AKA the whiter candidate
Whose speech back in May
Caused 47% of the Nation to say
"If the Mitt doesn't fit he should quit!"

There once was a heated election,
And a grim Libyan insurrection,
But they were ignored
When the pedal was floored
After Lohan's pedestrian deflection

Democrat Barack Obama
Says "Forward! I killed Osama!"
"So what?" says Mitt Romney,
"You wrecked the econ'my!"
There's no escape from their drama.

Honey Boo Boo, a redneck in tights
is scoring huge ratings each night
it's an omen portending
that our culture is ending
will the last to leave turn out the lights?

The limericks are all anti-Romney,
but Obama is just as funny.
His golf game improved,
while big business moved
and job loss tanked the economy.

I have slept on the sidewalk,trying to thrive.
I need certain things just to survive.
Part of Occupy,
or homless guy?
No, just buying the iPhone 5

Mayor Bloomberg just caused a big stink
'Bout the sugary super sized drink.
If they can't have their Cokes
They'll be happier blokes!
Guess the populace needs him to think.

His words and his poster said"Hope"
(and I was at the end of my rope)
So I gave him my vote
Now I'm barely afloat
But Id rather have him, than that dope

Libertarians make me so sad
Their philosophy borders on mad
They think they're John Galt
But they're much more like Walt
The main character in Breaking Bad

These Muslims have got me perplexed
A bad movie gets them so vexed?
It doesn't take much
(cartoons and such)
Could this limerick be next?

All I want to do is write about celebrities
Lucky for you I charge no fees
I’m really not a bad egg
So please don’t make me beg
But on this post…COMMENT…PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

Courtney Love was not impressed with her likeness at Madame Tussaud's

These Swedish gymnasts demonstrate the move called The Clüstërfük

I think this is a scene from the new Laverne and Shirley porno parody in which we see Laverne DiVaggio and Shirley Peeney put a different type of glove on the assembly line.

ZOINKS!  That reminds me, I should do another porn parody post.

TLC introduced a new show this weekend called "Say Neigh to the Hay"

Oh that's awful, not even I would do that.

50 Shades of Grey...the costume...I love it.

I didn't get a lot of candy this year.  I don't think people liked my costume.

That's exactly what Luther was writing about

Amen

The Amish would've been out building barns in Hurricane Sandy.

That show is so awesome.

Depending on everything, I may be back tonight with a homework assignment.

I was supposed to do this last night but many factors prevented me from posting.  I had to do some work for my parents because they are old and feeble.  Then I went out to a local diner for supper and then at home I decided to watch Breaking Bad DVDs.  I always forget to watch when it airs on AMC so I wait for DVDs.  I think I watched about 5 episodes last night. I was also having one awesome conversation via the text messaging.  I feel old when I say that.  Well anyway here's the round-up if you care for that sort of thing.

Taylor Swift is no longer part of the Kennedy family.  She broke up with her boyfriend Connor Kennedy this week.  When asked why, Taylor's publicist said that Taylor wouldn't talk about the break-up but would only promote her new album.  Of course she's not going to talk about it because she's currently writing passive-aggressive songs for her next album.  Since it involves the Kennedy family maybe one of the songs will be about getting drunk and being plowed by brothers or in other words, a country song.  I could be a classic country song if she incorporated gigantic belt buckles, pick-up trucks and dogs.  I've seen too much of this chick on my TV.  I'm pretty sure she's ready to jump the shark because she's on water skis and the boat is revving its engine.  Also keep in mind that when she started dating Connor, he was only 17.  So not only is she clingy and creepy but she's also a perv.  Maybe she can get a show on Country Music Television and host Are You Hotter than an 11th Grader.  She can't seem to keep a man and like maybe like many others have suggested on Twitter and Tumblr, the problem isn't with the guys she dates but it's her.  Maybe it's because she looks like she's 12 and is about 5'11".  There are now reports that she's on to her next man, a singer named Ed Sheeran.  They worked together on one of her passive aggressive break-up songs on her last album so maybe he wants to be the focal point of a song on her next album as well.

Tim Robbins is going to prison because he has too much free time on his hands.  He will be teaching acting classes to prisoners in Norco, CA.  You know it's funny, they execute prisoners in Texas including the mentally retarded but in California they teach prisoners to cry on cue.  Tim had this to say: "They're asked to do things they've never been asked to do in their life - open up emotionally, and put make-up on and costumes on, and pretend to be people. It's weird stuff. You never are encouraged to express your emotions in prison, and this class says it's okay to feel this kind of emotion, to respond with fear to a threat, to have empathy for someone that is constantly hostile. It's okay to laugh at the absurdity of a situation."  What the hell?  He can't get people to watch his bad movies so now he's teaching bad acting to convictions.  Something tells me that his method classes will be very popular when they get to the unit called, "How to Look Like You're Sorry at Your Parole Hearing".  Maybe when he's done teaching prisoners how to act he can teach Mahmoud Ahmadinejad comedic timing. 

Russell Means recently passed away at age of 72 after a battle with cancer.  Means was an activist for the Native American people and was a member of the American Indian Movement.  He also helped the indigenous peoples of Central and South America.  He also was an actor and was in The Last of the Mohicans, Buffalo Girls, Natural Born Killers among many others.  I think the best contribution Means gave us was his book, Where White Men Fear to Tread.  Russell Means will be greatly missed.

Does this look like the face of someone who had to have their stomach pumped because they ingested too much semen or did cocaine by putting it into suppositories?  Well it is for one of those stories.  Rod was on the hard hitting journalism show that is Katie Couric and finally answered the questions about the rumors.  The story goes that Rod was in San Diego and went into a gay bar that happened to be filled with sailors so he took them all out back and performed oral sex on all of them and he collapsed because he swallowed too much seamen semen and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.  I think I've heard that rumor for almost every teen male hearthrob.  Well Rod explained it that he had a publicist who was gay and the publicist did something terrible so Rod had to fire him.  Rod said that to exact revenge his former publicist released that rumor to a few agencies.  Now we just have the Richard Gere and gerbils rumor.  In his new book, Rod writes that he was never addicted to drugs but he did do them in creative ways.  Rod claims that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was addicted to coke but didn't want to hurt his nose so he and Rod started shoving the coke up their butts.  They put the coke into a suppository and inserted it.  Lindsay Lohan isn't impressed.  She can suck up coke with her butt from 100 meters away.

Octomom's former nanny has decided to start spilling the beans about the secrets behind the walls of the Octopalace.  Octomom claims that her older children knew a little about how she made her money recently and they understood that she did a porn video.  The nanny, Gina B, claims that she caught Octomom's 11 year old son watching porn on his cellphone and it wasn't any porn, it was his mother's.  He was watching his mom's cat scratch fever video and the nanny claims Octomom didn't block the website but just told him to stay away from porn.  I thought it was bad enough walking in on parents having sex.  Just imagine his emotional scars.  I could imagine him getting pulled over by a cop for doing 150mph in a 25 zone, mowing down a basket of puppies, after robbing a medicinal marijuana dispensary in a stolen car that reeks of beer and playing a Carly Rae Jesperson song on the radio.  All he has to do is say, "I'm Octomom's son and I watched her jill off when I was 11."  The cop would say, "Have a nice night, sir.  Do you need a police escort anywhere?"  Octomom also entered rehab this week because her publicist claims she wanted to get off Xanga...oops I mean Xanax...same thing really.  The nanny claims that she's probably really going to rehab for alcohol addiction because Octomom routinely drinks liters of vodka mixed with cranberry juice every day.  In Octomom's defense, if I had 14 rugrats begging me for attention and food on a daily basis, I'd be fucked on more things besides Xanax and vodka.  You know what it's called when you have 14 kids and are addicted to Xanax?  It's called "Getting through the day."  If I had 14 kids, they'd be lucky to have the litterbox changed once a week.  I think she should get a parenting award for not going crazy or letting the Duggars adopt her kids.

Madonna bought her daughter Lourdes an apartment on New York's Upper East Side for her 16th birthday.  That is so sweet because nothing is more entertaining than an absentee mother trying to buy her daughter's love.  Octomom should take note.  Imagine how many times she'd have to masturbate to pay for 14 apartments in New York City.  So Lourdes got an apartment for her birthday.  That reminds me of my 16th birthday extravaganza.  Just replace "getting an apartment from her mother" to "getting a handjob in a movie theater from my girlfriend during Happy Gilmore".  And like Lourdes, I was really happy with my present.  Madonna buying her daughter an apartment is just the rich person way of kicking her kid out of the house. She must have gotten sick of watching Lourdes bounce around her mansion singing Lady Gaga songs.

Last week Michael Lohan attempted to stage an intervention for Lindsay.  She responded by getting a restraining order against him.  However the truth is it wasn't Michael who wanted to stage the intervention, it was Lindsay's management team.  Her manager, entertainment lawyer, and defense lawyer emailed Michael begging him to do something for her because they are worried for her health and well being.  So Michael Lohan and Lindsay's management are trying to stage an intervention to make her better but her mother Dina and the rest of the Lohan family are urging Meal Ticket Lindsay to get a restraining order.  And when she's not drinking or doing drugs, Lindsay is best known for thievery.  Apparently this week, Lindsay went on to the set of Scary Movie 5 and walked off with over $15,000 worth of clothing.  Maybe she thinks she's entitled to it like free soap at motels.  The producers just wrote it off as business expenses because when you hire Lindsay Lohan stuff turns up missing and that's to be expected. 

Larry Flynt turned 70 this week and threw in his support for President Obama and even better he took out an ad in the Indianapolis Star to offer $1million to U.S. Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock if he is able to prove his ridiculous statement that "even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen."  Here's some of Flynt's ad: "Please be kind enough to verify your claim for a wondering nation. I will accept for purposes of this reward any verifiable transcript of your personal conversations with God; letters, email, text messages or videos from God, or messages addressed to you from God transmitted by any third party, including the Republican National committee or the Romney/Ryan campaign.I assume that you would not have made this statement unless you had been authorized by God. No one who believes in God would ever use the Almighty’s name in vain. That would be blasphemy."  Yeah, he's a smart one.  God bless him but is there a difference between this and what Donald Trump has done with the president?

Back in September, Tina Simpson filed for divorce from her husband of 34 years, Joe.  She cited irreconcilable differences and those differences being penis.  Joe got the family together including Jessica and Ashlee and told them that he is gay and has been seeing a 21 year old guy.  Hmmm...he has frosted tips, is worried about his weight, laughs about his daughter's boobs...I don't know why I didn't see this before.  A family friend said that Jessica is devastated because she thought she had good gaydar because she has a lot of gay friends.  Seriously?  Gaydar?  Ashlee is also heartbroken because she has been asking if he knew he was gay then why did he stay married so long.  That is a fair question.  One of the reasons why Joe decided to come out is that his boyfriend has been going around bragging about his exploits with Joe because he wants to become famous.  I swear, you can't have a secret gay affair anymore without someone trying to take advantage of you.  It's starting to become a Tiger Woods shitstorm because a few male escorts are coming out of the woodworks and telling how they had affairs with Joe as well.  Tina first found out Joe was gay when she found "modeling" photos of men all over their house and she pried out a confession in the lobby of a New York City hotel.  Poor Pastor Joe.  I wonder when the Lifetime Movie will come out starring Lindsay Lohan as the escort.

In 2005, after Daniel Craig was introduced as James Bond, Jamie Foxx announced that James Bond should be black so he could play the character.  Well Bond producers are meeting with Idris Elba in talks that he play the next James Bond when Craig's five film deal is done.  Elba has had so badass roles like Luther, Stringer Bell, and Charles Miner.  I think it also makes sense since Elba is a London native.  First off, if you've never seen "Luther", do so immediately, and second, there really is no second.  A lot of James Bond purists or racists say that James Bond can only be white and that James Bond is British so he can only be played by Brits and Scots.  Just remember Shrek is a 9 foot tall ogre yet was played by a 5'4" Canadian.  I always figured that James Bond wasn't a person but was just the name of the level that agent had attained.  Think about it.  Why has James Bond never seemingly aged but Judi Dench's M has gotten older and don't make me mention Q.  I guess the adding "color" to films is OK but do we want Shaft to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen or Martin Luther King Jr. by James Franco?

George Lucas sold his Lucasfilms to Disney this week for a cool $4billion and Disney announced that in 2015 they would release a new Star Wars movie beginning the final trilogy.  I have mixed emotions with this.  I think it's going to be rotten because Disney will merchandise the shit out of the movies and include singing birds and mice but then I think that was Lucas' intent with Jar Jar Binks.  Then part of me thinks this could be the greatest thing ever because Disney could bring in the best minds to write the movie and direct it.  Lucas also announced that he was planning on donating all the money from the sale to educational charities.  Great, if he donates that to schools you know they'll have to stop teaching American history and replace it with Galactic Empire History and Spanish will be replaced with whatever the hell language Jar Jar Binks speaks.  Me-sa not gunna like-a dis!

As if George Clooney needs another line to use on chicks in order to get laid!  Researchers at Ancestry.com discovered that George is a half cousin to Abraham Lincoln.  Hmmm half-cousin?  In the British royal family that term is interchanged with "marriage material".  Researchers were tracing Lincoln's lineage for the upcoming movie and they noticed correlation between names and places in Lincoln and Clooney's family trees.  They shared a common ancestor in Lucy Hanks, Lincoln's maternal grandmother.  Apparently this makes Clooney his half-cousin 5 times removed.  The researchers also noticed other similarities between Clooney and Lincoln.  Both are excellent writers (if you can call Leatherheads "excellent") and advocates of human rights and both can grow decent beards.  WTF?  All I got from this is that the chances of Clooney running for public office are now greater.  I already imagine that his opponents attack ads will say that he once robbed a casino in Las Vegas with Brad Pitt and he unsuccessfully managed a plastics factory in Landford, IL and was a doctor who didn't play by the rules in Chicago.  Do you really want a thief in Congress?  Wait a second...

Gene Hackman may be 82 years old but he's still a badass and you don't want to mess with him especially not by calling his wife a cunt.  A homeless man approached Gene and his wife Betsy as they left a restaurant in Santa Fe, NM this week.  The homeless guy started yelling at Gene and Gene yelled back.  Then the hobo made the mistake of calling Betsy a cunt.  As soon as the word left his tongue, the streets of Santa Fe cleared like in the old time western movies.  Gene walked up to Gene and slapped him in the face.  The hobo called the police but the police didn't arrest Gene because they said he slapped out of self-defense.  I am now going to tell any girl I am interested in that I will slap the shit out of any homeless guy that calls them a cunt to prove to them that I love them.  But then this just proves Gene is a crazy old man.  He could've bought off the homeless guy with $200 and a happy meal and then flew him to a private island and hunted him for sport because from all the movies I've seen that looks like a blast.

In case you were wondering, Charlie Sheen is still being Charlie Sheen.  He's back to smoking crack and buying new vaginas for prostitutes.  An insider told RadarOnline: "For at least the last eight months or so Charlie has been having a quarter to half an ounce of cocaine delivered to him every single day and was spending nearly $2,000 a day on drugs. Sometimes he'd even get two to three quarters of cocaine in one day."  The insider also described how Charlie is buying hookers and he took a fancy to one girl.  She was having insecurities about her vagina so Charlie bought her vaginal rejuvenation surgery.  Apparently she went from a "O" to an "o".  That poor girl probably did whatever she could to revitalize her stale cookie.  She probably tried hanging one of those pine tree air fresheners over it with the new car smell.  Then she probably put a new coat of paint on it.  Then had it resurfaced.  Then called Extreme Makeover Home Edition but nothing worked.  But good old Charlie Sheen stepped to the plate.  Since cheap ass Oprah stopped giving things away for free Charlie had to fill the vacancy.  You're getting a new pussy.  You're getting a new pussy.  And a free hoo-ha for you!  But this again!  The first time Charlie lost it it was sort of funny to hear him ripping his TV boss and mocking that shitty show and he did bang some hot broads like they were going out of style.  Now it's sad.  Charlie Sheen isn't a rebel without a cause and he isn't a tortured artist walking the fine line between genius and madness.  Charlie is just a crackhead doing whatever crackheads do when they come into money.  But Veteran's Day is coming up so maybe we should remember all Charlie has done for our country in war movies.  Maybe all his actions are because of his emotional scars from all the action he saw in various combat zones.

A while back a woman filed a police report claiming that she went on a date with Cee Lo Green and that he bought her a drink and she blacked out and the next thing she knew was that they were both naked in his bed.  She wasn't from L.A. so she filed a police report with her local police department and they did a bait call.  They record a conversation where Cee Lo admitted to the woman that he gave her MDMA to make sex more enjoyable.  He didn't say they had sex.  The woman claims the assaults began at a restaurant and police have investigated but Cee Lo remains a free man.  Maybe this is why he will no longer be on The Voice after this season.  His lawyers are spinning it to make the woman look like she's only after money and fame.  Cee Lo doesn't need to sexually assault anyone. He could have any woman on earth -- even if he wasn't famous . . . wait, that's Cee Lo?  Oh who am I kidding, he's George Clooney compared to me.

This is Camilla Belle.  She may be dating the most famous virgin in the NFL, Tim Tebow.  She once dated the famous virgin Joe Jonas.  She must have the most impressive vibrator collection on earth.  Tim and Camilla were spotted in a Jacksonville nightclub holding hands and touching each other lovingly.  Touching each other lovingly?  Does that mean dry humping?  Because dry humping isn't sex and dry humping isn't forbidden.

Axl Rose announced that he is currently working on a new album with his current line-up of Guns N Roses.  He claims that everyone in the band is working on songs and pieces for the album.  He also insists that the 15 year delay between "The Spaghetti Incident" and "Chinese Democracy" wasn't his fault but the fault of the music industry.  All this being said, expect the next Guns N Roses album to released in time for Christmas in 2032.

It was announced this week that Anderson Cooper's daytime TV show was going to be canceled at the end of its second year on TV.  I guess that makes sense.  Why would people want to watch him go tanning with Snookie?  He should just stick to giggling while reading the news, right @Peridot21 ?

An article in the magazine In Touch claims that Amanda Bynes was spotted by multiple witnesses walking into a tanning salon lobby completely naked.  God...she IS crazy.  Doesn't she know tanning can cause skin cancer?  The magazine claims Amanda bought a specific tanning package and was all set to go but didn't get goggles so she walked to the lobby in the buff to get a pair of goggles.  Witnesses claimed she seemed out of it and didn't realize there were other people there and was rubbing her fingers all over the walls.  God, I love Amanda Bynes. Her free fall to Crazytown is gonna leave one hell of a crater; an amazing feat because unlike the phony attention whores, Amanda is legitimately losing it. Remember old ladies Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian? Those "leaked" porn tapes were professionally recorded and edited. Sure, Britney Spears had an epic meltdown, but I noticed that the gurney used to cart her to the rubber room was awfully comfortable meaning that whole episode had to be fake.  I bet Lindsay actually has water in those bottles she's always carrying.  So how does Amanda top it?  PUBLIC NUDITY!  I'm surprised none of the people at the tanning salon didn't snap photos of her snapper.  If anyone did, please contact me and if your photo is real I'll send you an autographed photo of myself because some think that my photo is worth more than cash.  Well in the article, In Touch called Amanda "troubled".  Amanda responded to the claims in Us Weekly by saying, "I'm suing In Touch for printing a fake story. I'm not 'troubled.' I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy."  We should all use that line on a daily basis.  No, not that I'm 26 or a multi-millionaire or retired although I do sit around in my underwear and yell at people.  The next time I get a phone call saying I'm late on a bill I'm going to say, "I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, and retired.  Please respect my privacy."  It works on so many levels.  I also believe Amanda when she says she wasn't naked.  No, she was wearing a cloak that she created with her mind because 26 year old retired multi-millionaires have those kinds of powers.

Halloween Section (plus a little more):

Sandra Bullock and her son Louis went as characters from Toy Story.  Can we get a collective "AWWW"?

Neil Patrick Harris and his family went as the cast of the Wizard of Oz.  Can we get a collective, "AWWW"?  Some people do Halloween right and then some people...

Paris Hilton was out this week and who saw her costume coming but everyone.  She dressed as a slut for Halloween.  When asked what her Halloween costume was supposed to be, Paris answered, "What?  It's Halloween?"

Miley Cyrus went trick or treating with Evan Peters from American Horror Story.  Miley was supposed to be a 90s era hooker or the character Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman.  It was hard to tell that Miley was in a costume because that's about what she usually wears to go grocery shopping.  Did you know Miley still makes music?  Well she does and a new song she is working on will feature porn star Jessie Andrews in the video.  Miley begged for Jessie to be cast in the video.  And of course all her little fans had to look up who that was.  I can imagine a lot interesting reactions to Jessie's...portfolio...ahem.  I also can imagine confusion on the set when people ask Miley where Jessie is and she says she doesn't know then goes in the bathroom and puts on a wig and comes out and says, "Here I am everybody.  I'm Jessie Andrews."  Hey, it worked for Hannah Montana.  They do look alike...kinda sorta.

Lady Gaga went as weed for Halloween.  Well OK.  Also this week she said this: "I was acutely aware of some photos on the internet – my mum called me and was like, “Did you gain weight?” – everybody was telling me about it, and I didn't really care. But when I heard it was on the news, where they talk about wars, the economy crashing and the election – I just thought, ‘This is f*cking ridiculous.’ I mean, what kind of example is that to a young girl sitting at home? I thought, well I don’t really care if they think I’m fat, because, quite honestly, I did gain about 30 pounds. Adele is bigger than me, how come nobody says anything about it? She’s so wonderful and I think her confidence is something I have to match. She has set the bar very high for a lot of woman. I need to be a confident woman and just say politically active things when I can that are helpful to young people."  So maybe she needs to gain more weight.  I don't know.  She probably also should've said "Adele's talent is bigger than mine."  I bet Gaga forgot the time her Little Monsters took to Twitter to make fat jokes at Adele's expense or the time Gaga's cuntiest fan Karl Lagerfeld said Adele should lose weight.  I guess all that slipped her mind but that's excusable because her head is so far up her ass and that tends to cause memory loss.

Kim Kardashian was dressed as a mermaid The World's Deadliest Snatch for Halloween.

Kris Jenner dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween but Wonder Woman never pimped out her children to anyone who rubbed money or a check under her nose.  Wonder Woman also didn't have nip slips.  I think this photo perfectly sums up the Kardashian Klan, you get naked on camera and sell stripper clothes at Sears because it's empowering.

Katy Perry went as Jane Lane from the cartoon Daria.  Jane Lane is the BFF of Daria and Katy's real life BFF Shannon Woodward went as Daria.  How cool is that?  OMG!  Totally!  I think they need to bring back Daria since they brought back Beavis and Butthead.

Jessica Simpson was a, well I'm drawing a blank.  She's lost 60lbs in 5 months and looks sexy in whatever it is she's supposed to be.  I'm guessing Sexy German Girl who Lives in the Alps and Yodels to Tell Her Grandfather that Supper is Ready.

Jenny McCarthy's birthday and Halloween are on consecutive days.  She turned 40 this year and she celebrated in Las Vegas and when that happens we get the perfect storm of costume that displays the true power of her rack.  I'm trying to figure out what she is supposed to be.  I'm thinking it's Sexy Autism Scientist.  If she wore this when speaking about autism being a government conspiracy there's a good chance I might say, "Wow, that's neat, tell me more."

One of my favorite parts of Halloween in doing these Celebrity Round Up is the parties Heidi Klum threw.  She would basically change her costume every hour and so many of her costumes were over the top except this kitty.  That's just...rawr.  Heidi canceled her annual Halloween party this year.  I think she figured it would be difficult to throw a party without any electricity in New York City.  I think she probably should of canceled it when she traded her husband Seal's dick for her bodyuard's dick but then I'm old fashioned.  She is toying with the idea of having a haunted Christmas party.  Why not?  It will just pissed all the people who have sticks up their butts about "Happy Holidays". 

Deryck Whibley (left) is a member of a band called Sum 41 but I think he gained more fame because he is the ex-husband of Avril Lavigne.  He went as Avril for Halloween and that is his current girlfriend Ari Cooper dressed as Chad Kroger, Avril's current husband.  Deryck posted this photo on his Twitter and Chad Kroger saw it and responded "Hey Deryck loved the costumes!  We were going to dress up as you guys this year but all the parties had celebrity themes haha! -CK"  This is a fight between a Canadian douche and a Canadian douche who are basically fighting over a Canadian douche and all of them make shitty music.  You can't choose a side because they are all douches.

Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden were spotted celebrating Halloween.  I think Doug is supposed to be some sort of elevated opinion of oneself and Courtney is a sexy unicorn.  You'd be smiling if you were Doug and knew what that unicorn horn would be used for later on that night.

Christina Aguilera is MUY CALIENTE!  I really don't know what her costume was.  I assume she went as herself for Halloween.  I'm more interested in her current piece of manmeat.  I think he's supposed to be Sir Golddigsalot.

Chris Brown had an awesome costume.  He and his friends went as terrorists.  I should've dressed up like a soldier and shot all of them.  I have always thought that to be a singer you had to not be tone deaf or stupid and he's both.  Maybe next year he can go as a hurricane or a dead guy that has washed up after drowning in a hurricane or some other culturally insensitive costume like...

Aubrey O'Day showed why I detest Halloween.  People think it's their right to dress in something like this.  I just absolutely detest people who think that because it's Halloween it's OK to wear anything they want except blackface.  Why is that wrong but this acceptable?

Adrianne Curry went as the girl from The Fifth Element for Halloween and she then posted this photo on Twitter because Adrianne is really good at Twitter.  This is bad.  Adrianne used that costume a few years ago and she's recycling it but then I suppose it's hard to find sexy nerdy costumes for Halloween.  I just hope she finds something new that's a little less prudish.

And we end this week's installment with Coco because...COCO!  Is there nothing her ridiculous body can't do?  Well it probably shouldn't have been attempting to report about Hurricane Sandy this week.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Does anyone here watch The League?  Where have I been?  I had this awesome story ready to go but the truth was I went to the hospital yesterday and spent most of the day there.  I was pretty exhausted and stopped off at this Catholic shrine because yesterday was Reformation Day.  I sat down in this little chapel and the next thing I know a monk is shaking my shoulder saying, "Sir, we're closing." I apologized and said it was so peaceful there and I handed him some money and he handed me a rosary.  Yay!  Then I got home and watched some TV and had a chat with a really cool person and then I was pretty much out until around 1AM when my cats woke me up because they were tearing through the house.  They caught a mouse.  They were playing with it.  They'd swat at it and then pick it up and carry it around and then drop it and swat at it some more.  One cat wasn't really picking it up but just swatting it let me in and I picked it up in an old cup and took it outside and let it go in my backyard.  I figure it was bound to have a heart attack because it looked like it was breathing so hard when my cats were surrounding it.  Anyway, time for some links.

1.  When I was a kid I used to love professional wrestling but then my dad read an article about how it was fake and he told me how they did everything and it ruined me.  He took such great delight in my world being shattered.  The wrestlers really did a good job in covering it up unlike today.  Anyway, here are some stories about how wrestlers stayed in character even outside of the ring.

2.  One of my favorite movies is Can't Hardly Wait and here is a then and now photo collection.

3.  One of my favorite movies is The Sandlot.  Here's a where are they now collection.

4.  Since it is November I'm sharing these lists from Mentalfloss that feature 11 items.  The first are geeky wedding and engagement rings.  I have no clue what else to say.

5.  One thing I really like about German is that there are so many words that have no English equivalent.  Here are 11 words from various languages that have no English equivalent.

6.  I used to love listening to this radio program called Coast to Coast AM and they would often have people call in claiming to be time travelers and the host would eat it up.  He loved it and kept wanting them to tell him more and eventually they stopped taking calls from time travelers when this particular guy hosted because eventually they were all proven wrong but of course one called and explained that the actions of the viewers who knew what would happen changed the future and made everything better.  Anyway here are 11 time traveling urban legends.

7.  Since yesterday was Reformation Day, I thought I'd share this Tumblr site called Martin Bluther.  It uses quotes from Martin Luther and imposes them over screenshots from Arrested Development.

8.  One thing I like about wikipedia is all the lists they have.  Here is a list of humorous units of measurement.

9.  In case you are having a baby yet this year, here is a list of the most popular names for boys this year.  And here are the most popular names for girls.

10.  Here's another handy site if you're planning on having a child.  It's called BabyNamer and you can look up information for a lot of names.  Geez...wedding rings and baby names.  What is going on?

11.  Here's a site called FameDaddy.  It claims to be the world's first celebrity sperm donor site.  I wonder if they have a section for famous bloggers.

12.  This site does not have anything to do with babies.  It's called Supercook.  You can pick categories and then select which items you have in your kitchen and then you can see what you can make.

And now it's time for tattoos:

HELLOOOOOOOO NURSE!

Not only my motto but a pretty good album.  I should get that to remind myself daily.

I think someone likes their coffee a little bit too much.

They should switch to tea.

Is that a jelly fish or a veiny and curved penis?

I think I should also get a Google+ tattoo.

I think he's really powered by oxygen and other nutrients.

I won't say anything because that belt buckle is pretty cool.  I wonder if he tells people he's about to beat up that they need to stop pissing him off or he'll google it.  And when they ask, "Google what?"  He starts throwing punches.

Hey, Zelda is actually the prominent one here.  AWESOME!  A girl knows Zelda is the girl.

no no no no no no no no no no....remember when that was popular like a month or two ago and it's no longer popular?  Kids, invest in tattoo removal services.

MY GOD!  THAT SHARK IS JUMPING THROUGH THE SKIN ON HIS SKULL!

I want it all and all is this awesome Freddie Mercury tattoo.

And I find that the case with a lot of tattoos.

I got my mojo rising because I'm riding on the storm with an L.A. woman who is a wild child and we're planning on breaking through to the other side because I'm a back door man.

And since it was Reformation Day, we end with an awesome Lutheran tattoo.

Only in America do we complain about childhood obesity and give children who knock on our doors free candy.

November 1^st is the day that the most photos are uploaded to the internet of the year. Who wants to see photos of my penis?

It’s so gratifying trick-or-treating in Wisconsin. You spend all that time picking out a costume and working out only to have it so cold that you have to wear a coat over the costume.

A poll revealed that candy corn is the least favorite of all Halloween candy handed out to trick-or-treaters.  The second least favorite was a tie between whatever R Kelly and Roman Polanski hand out.

No trick-or-treaters came to my house because of Baptists protesting Halloween.  They didn’t accomplish anything other than helping me arrange a party at my house tomorrow.  Please come to my house for a diabetes party.  Oops...this was from last year.  I guess you caught on that I'm recycling jokes again.

Does “No Shave November” include my pubes?

November is Tongue Awareness Month.  It’s supposed to mean you are aware that your tongue is in your mouth and uncomfortable but in actuality it means that I have a tongue and it’s looking for work.  I’m looking for a lady who can provide benefits.

My dick is like a ninja. Even when you can’t see it, you know it’s there.  He’s probably just hiding in my fat.

If I ever became a porn star I’d take the name Rammington Steel.

I was talking to someone today and he asked me if I liked The Big Bang Theory and I said that I didn’t. He then said, “Well it’s probably because there are a lot of smart jokes in there and only nerds understand that humor.” So is he saying I’m cool?

I ate at Burger King on Tuesday.  I ate at a different Burger King yesterday and I’m pretty sure I’m going to eat at one tomorrow.  This is good because after the fourth visit I get a free stroke.

You know why the other movies after Star Wars still had Star Wars in the name?  Because Star Peace is for pussies.

Ted Nugent was upset by Apple releasing a smaller iPad so he is releasing a 20 by 14 inch tablet because he says Apple users are pussies.  He plans on calling his tablet the Wang Dang Sweet Poontang Screen Scratch Fever.

I feel weird playing war video games like Medal of Honor because I know people who went through that shit in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Fake war games aren’t fun but then sometimes it is nice to try war simulators but “war simulator” sounds like a segment on FOX News.

If you do a search on youtube for “middle school” everything to shows up in the search result is inadvertent comedy gold.

It’s always rude to interrupt someone who is telling a story unless they start the story with “I always save my toenail and fingernail clippings because…”

I don’t think I got that job because when the interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word I said “Bootylicious”.

A recent Gallup poll revealed that people believe horses run really fast.

I saw that President Obama voted early.  I wonder if he voted for himself or was convinced by a Romney ad to vote for Romney.

The race for the Senate in Wisconsin is heating up.  I live near where Tommy Thompson comes from.  He used to buy his shoes from my family.  He was also a lawyer in this area.  I was driving past his old law practice and former home and saw Tammy Baldwin signs in the yards.  I thought that was pretty funny.

I’ve been toying with the idea of death and what I want done with my body.  I want to be cremated for sure but I either want to be put in an etch-a-sketch or have the crematorium dump some nuts and bolts in the ashes to make people think I was a robot.

Pick-up lines sure to fail: “My hands are cold.  May I warm them in your pants?”  “I’ve been feeling down lately so can I feel you up?”

I’ve been asked by a family member that’s doing a scrapbook to find a photo of myself as young as possible. I gave her a photo of a sperm.

I can’t wait until the X-Factor starts sucking and they make Demi Lovato and Britney Spears threaten each other with violence and murder just to improve ratings.

Was Hitler really that bad of a guy?  He did kill Hitler after all.

I wonder how far we are from having hurricanes named after products.  Like corporations would buy naming rights to hurricanes.  “And now our reporters are out braving the wrath of Hurricane Velveeta.”

They are saying that the wind speeds in Manhattan are increasing hourly.  Here I just thought Donald Trump was outside giving a press conference.

Hurricane Sandy drinking game: take a drink every time someone goes on a social media outlet and says they lost power.

I hear that New Jersey has been spared from the path of Hurricane Sandy because the hurricane couldn’t break through the massive clouds of Axe body spray on the Jersey shore even though the shore is in the Emergency Situation because they are reporting that Hurricane Sandy is DTF.

If they named the hurricane, Hurricane Tony Romo, there wouldn’t have been a touch down and the other weather patterns would’ve intercepted it.

Mayor Bloomberg announced that people won’t have to evacuate New York City but if they are caught drinking a pop then they will be shot on the spot.

Hurricane Sandy is set to hit New York by 6and will have a podcast by 8.

Here’s a helpful tip to beat the hurricane, most flashlights and radios run on the same batteries that operate vibrators so if you can stop pleasuring yourself for five minutes then you can use them to navigate your house when the power goes out and keep abreast of any emergencies.  CNN reports that more batteries are sold for vibrators than flashlights.  You east coast ladies are all right.

If this is a legitimate hurricane, don’t we have ways of shutting it down?

Hurricane Sandy is what we get for not stopping Kony.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom and there will be plenty of boys and girls with the name Sandy.

It’s times like this time of tragedy when people focus on what’s truly important and that’s turning the disaster to favor their presidential candidate.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Women often talk about how it’s not fair that men get better looking as they age and women do the opposite. Well I don’t think it’s fair that women become cougars and men become creepy substitute gym teachers.

I’m going to show up to houses drunk and naked this Halloween and tell everyone that I’m Randy Travis.  They don’t have to know I’m just up to business as usual.

Nothing cheers me up more than knowing it could be worse like I could be Nick Nolte or one of the guys from Perfect Strangers.

The best part of Halloween is being able to eat candy corn naked and not having anyone second guessing you.

Women complain that all men want them for is sex.  That’s bullshit because we also want blowjobs and food.

Answering the phone with “Obama campaign headquarters”really does cut down on calls.

I hate how store employees say they are here to help but they always refuse to help me by looking at this weird growth underneath my ball sac.  It’s like I have a fourth one descending.

Archeologists have found evidence that ancient Greek homes doubled as bars and brothels so this explains why fraternities and sororities have Greek names.

If a girl ever asked me to go buy her tampons, I’d go to the store dressed up in a suit and tie just to show how classy I am.

Speaking of stores, I don’t understand why I get strange looks when I walk around Walmart with a box of condoms, an axe handle, some lube, and a six pack of wine coolers in my cart.  Can someone please explain this to me?

I was in Walmart this weekend and I had so many people asking for my help.  I sort of wondered why they were asking me.  Then I was sitting out near the entrance waiting for my parents and it hit me as people kept saying “hi” and “goodbye” to me.  I was wearing a blue hoodie so people were assuming that I worked at Walmart.  One woman came up to me and showed me her bag and asked for a sticker. I said I don’t give stickers and she was disappointed.  Then another person said hi to me and I didn’t respond.  They said I was the unfriendliest Walmart greeter ever.  I think I have anew title to put on my business cards.

Whenever I hear someone say they are going to do something “Texas style” I imagine that means they are going to execute something mentally handicapped.

Do girls still find it attractive when a guy sings “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” in a crowded bar?

I blame people’s problems with not being able to distinguish between “were” and “where” on Twilight and the growing popularity of wherewolves.

I was going to make a joke about how marijuana causes memory loss but I couldn’t remember it.

There are few Xangans that I won’t name by name but I’m sure you know who I dislike by this point that are what it would look like if urinal cakes took on a human form.

The difference between Xanga and Tumblr is the same difference as calling a girl cute or pretty.

New Xanga motto contest…Xanga: Bring the Drama of the Outside World to Your Home Computer.

Apparently there are new levels of dating: 1^stdate=kiss, 2^nd date=blowjob, 3^rd date=sex, 4^thdate=anal sex, 5^th date=tell your lover about your Xanga account and if they aren’t revolted then you’ve found true love.

People often say that Xanga is like high school.  If I went to high school with as many horrible people there are on Xanga I would’ve burnt that place to the ground.

Sometimes a typo in a post is the universe’s way of telling you that you suck and that your post is meaningles.

Dance like no one is watching and post on Xanga like you need to be on a prescription for antipsychotic medicine.

I just want all the people who have blocked me to know that blocking me won’t erase your repressed childhood memories or change your sexual lust for me.

I think I probably should've avoided all the hurricane jokes but we need laughter in our healing.