Well well well, I’m back.  Did you miss me?  No?  That’s what I figured.  I know some of you have unsubscribed to me so you don’t have to see my posts when you go through your subscription feed.  I love it.  I also drank some caffeine today and now I feel like I’m ready to become Charlie Sheen or maybe it’s the booze.  I don’t know anymore.  The only good thing is I’m not feeling any pain.

1.  Well it’s getting to be that time of year again when everyone wants to review the best things of the year.  Well here’s The AV Club’s best film scenes of 2012.

2.  And here’s The AV Club’s best music of 2012.

3.  And here’s The AV Club’s best comedy albums of 2012.  I have to give props to The AV Club for linking to one of my videos.  I think I only have about 7 uploaded videos and they put one of Conan O’Brien visiting an old fashioned baseball reenactment.  It has 2 comments and over 2000 views.

4.  I actually tried to get back into Saturday Night Live this year.  Whatever I saw I wasn’t displeased so here is a list of the 10 best sketches of 2012.

5.  Here’s a list of the 10 best films of 2012.  I’ve only seen two of them so I can’t say if it’s a good list or not.

6.  I was always terrified of seeing Santa Claus when I was a kid.  I was one of those kids who when put on Santa’s lap cried.  Well I get to relive that with this gallery of creepy Santa Clauses.

7.  OK just when you thought I was done kissing The AV Club’s ass, here we have their list of their favorite holiday songs from the past 20 years.

8.  Are you looking for Christmas tree ornaments?  You should check out Bauballs.  They will match your Truck Nutz and the good thing is buying one will help fight male cancer.

9.  In case you haven’t bought me a Christmas present yet, here’s a site of Geeky gifts.

10.  Sometimes adults ruin kids’ cartoons but here are some interesting theories about cartoons.  I definitely buy #5

11.  One thing I think we’ll all remember from 2012 is the election.  I found this site on Tumblr called White People Mourning Mitt Romney.  They should be mourning since his son came out and said that Mitt didn’t even want to run for president.  Should’ve nominated Ron Paul.

12.  Are you currently disgruntled?  Well try this site called gruntle.me.  It attempts to fix disgruntled humans.

And now what most of you came for…tattoos!

I’d love to play but if I pressed fast forward too much it would be over too fast.

The baby looks upset because he knows his future.

I saw this one today and well I paused because I saw the last panel first.

Now enjoy these Dexter tattoos

















Yeah that last one is a Dexter tattoo.  If you look closely enough it says “Dexter”.  That may not be the reason I posted it…sigh…I really am alone.  Anyway I’ve been waiting on posting these for some time and decided it was high time to post them and I thought today was fitting since I downloaded all of the Dexter books to my ereader.  Now it’s time to go get demented.

Have a great day.  I took my cats to the vet for their yearly vaccinations.  They always act weird after the shots so I have to give them aspirin tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to that.  We had somewhat of a snowstorm today…probably about 5 inches so nothing really shut down.  On the way to the vet I saw two bald eagles eating the carcass of a dead deer.  I spent the night inside because I didn’t really want to drive anywhere and I’m just depressed.  I watched Ted and Shutter Island.  Great movies.  I’m addicted to ebooks and in the past two days I’ve downloaded something like 500.

I’m fascinated with this cat so I figured I’d go all out with the last #caturday before Christmas.

Seriously, I hope all of you have a happy holiday season.

Have a great weekend.

No apocalypse…sort of bummed.  Now I’ll have to go Christmas shopping.  Maybe the Mayans weren’t talking about an end of a world but a new line of thinking and I’m thinking this new line of thinking should be more people reading this post.  Nah…that’s pretty far-fetched.  Time for the round-up.

There’s nothing more special than separated parents trying to buy their children’s love during the holiday season.  Katie Holmes has spent more than $48,000 on presents for Suri.  Suri’s biggest present is a Victorian playhouse costing almost $24,000. The small building, which will be set up in the family garden, includes running water and electricity. It’s a step up from a homemade treehouse, but probably not as fun. Suri’s pressie haul also includes an iPad mini, a $9,600 kids’ version of a Mercedes, a Ralph Lauren dress and a Chloe fur coat.  Tom Cruise recently bought Suri a pony but since Katie lives in New York City she can’t keep so Tom has bought Suri a mansion.  Yes, he bought her a mansion where she can house her horse.  On Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY.  I guess when Suri is naughty and Katie tries to discipline her instead of yelling at her to go to her room she’ll say go to your Victorian playhouse or your Upstate NY mansion.  I get the idea that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich.  But for the love of Pete, can I get on their secret Santa list?  That money sure goes a long way when it’s Lord Tom Cruise who earns it, doesn’t it?  I bet he earned a lot of money for Jack Reach-around.  Hell, forget about Suri, you can buy my love for a lot less than $48k. $35k and a handjob every now and again is more than enough to get an “I love you, mommy” out of me this Christmas.

Tim Tebow is still a virgin and will be one for quite some time because he broke up with Camilla Belle this week.  They started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida.  Tebow had this to say: “I’ve been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there’s also so much more than that for me. It’s about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant’s heart.”  So he wants to date his mom and sisters…hmmm I’m trying to think of where he could play in the NFL where dating your mom and sister is appealing to the fan base.

Taylor Swift calls that mic “John Mayer”.  When Taylor Swift turned 23 this month, her boyfriend Harry Styles spent $1500 on her for 23 cupcakes, a Jimmy Choo bag, and earrings. And since Taylor Swift has no fucking idea how to take shit slow, because she’s a codependent love fool who falls in love with anyone famous who says hi to her, she just dropped $80K on Beatles memorabilia, because Styles is a fan.  She’s been phoning Beatles stores in Liverpool hoping to find pieces of rare autographed memorabilia she knows Harry will love.  Conor Kennedy reportedly broke things off because apparently Taylor Swift was already talking about babies and getting married and this was less than a month ago. Note to self: 1. Tell Taylor Swift she’s pretty 2. Tell her I’m a fan of cyborg dragons with laser eyes and strippers.  That’s really nice of Taylor to give JC Chasez v 2.0 such a nice birthday present. Considering that they’re in year one of the one-year boy band lifespan, that’s gonna be one hell of a retirement package assuming he doesn’t trade it all for money so he can buy nose candy.  Now before the One Direction lawyers start sharpening their knives, let me say that I am NOT accusing him of abusing drugs, but let’s be honest, Justin Timberlake aside, there isn’t an ex-boy bander alive who hasn’t sucked a dude’s dick for coke at some point in their life.  If you live long enough, you’ll probably end up dating Taylor Swift because her vagina is basically Ellis Island and your chances just got better because after she left England, Harry Styles allegedly banged a bunch of college girls.  He was photographed at a party with a group of girls who sent out numerous tweets: “He told her she was very attractive and to take off her Minnie Mouse suit lol.”  “Best day of my life! Chilled with him for like 3 hours!!! I was literally in shock the whole time, trying to play it cool haha, but inside i was freaking out!!!!!”  Having sex with Taylor Swift is fun and all but I think it’s better having sex with Taylor Swift and other girls.  I think this Harry Styles fella is really onto something here. I may have to study his methods a little closer.  But then I probably could achieve orgasm faster if I was having sex with a pizza box.

Snooki gave birth in August and she’s back to her partying ways.  It’s alright because she left her child at home with a trusted nanny.  Locked closets aren’t just for hanging clothes.  Now that Snooki is back drinking the liquor industry is rejoicing.

Rihanna was spotted in Barbados for her vacation from…what is it that she does again…partying and apologizing for her abusive boyfriend.  I guess it is hard work because her partying and apologizing is done here in the States so she had to leave the country.  She’s renting some sort of beach house that is going for $9000 a night and has 10 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms.  Good.  She has plenty of hiding places when she “disrespects” her boyfriend.  I’m not making light of spousal abuse.  I just can’t believe someone who was beaten as bad as she was is back with her abuser and apologizes for him and says she was to blame.  I really don’t understand women which is probably why I’m single.  They say they care about you and they ignore you.  I must be really awful.  I guess I should upgrade from Dollar Tree cologne to Dollar General cologne.

President Obama was named Time’s person of the year.  Damn!  4chan went to all that trouble to get the votes for Kim Jong-un and they won’t recognize it.  What did Obama do?  Kim Jong-un has launched missiles and has beaten Kobe Bryant in a game of one on one.  He is the Supreme Commander that will take North Korea onwards toward victory.  Kim Jong-un’s birthday is a national holiday.  Kim Jong-un cuts his own hair because he’s afraid of barbers but that’s not irrational because barbers have straight razors and could slice your throat.  Obama relies on barbers to cut his hair and that’s not self-sufficient.  Kim Jong-un has also declared that William Shakespeare did in fact write all his plays and sonnets and he also invented the GIF.  What has Obama done?  I bet Malia and Sasha stuffed the ballot box to get their dad elected.  I bet he got nominated because it turns out he’s Spidreman’s biggest rival and comic book nerds like that sort of thing.  I don’t know, I’m sort of still liking Kim Jong-un.

Pamela Anderson will be appearing on a reality show in the U.K.  She will be a contestant on Dancing on Ice, a ridiculous ice skating competition.  I thought Dancing with the Washed Up Stars was bad enough.  Oh well, anything for a paycheck, right?

TMZ somehow got a hold of photos from Miley Cyrus’ birthday party celebrating her 20th birthday last month.  I bet one of Miley’s friends is driving a new car right now.  Miley sent this Tweet out before her birthday: “if I don’t get atleast one big booty hoe my friends are officially not my friends anymore”.  She had a party at a house and her friends ordered strippers.  Miley also supposedly received a lap dance from this nice lady.  Now that her true self is being revealed, I’m surprised that Billy Ray kept her in reign while she was on Hannah Montana.  If he wasn’t around we’d be talking about the abortion and birth center part of a hospital called “The Miley Cyrus Center for Girls Who Fell for the ‘I’m Just Putting in the Tip’ Line”.  I’m also looking at Miley and then looking at Justin Bieber.  Wow, they look alike.  I don’t think they’ve ever been in the same room at the same time so they could be the same person much like Miley was Hannah Montana.  This is also what I expect it will look like once VH1 starts celebreality dating shows again and gives Justin Bieber a Flava of Love style show.

This is Micaele Schäfer.  She is a German attention whore who thinks she is a model and is just popular and in the scene to get invited to red carpet events where she is always half-naked.  I guess she’s the German equivalent of the Kardashians or Paris Hilton.  She wore this for a Christmas event.  I think she totally captured the essence of Christmas because whenever I think of Christmas that’s what I see.  If she’s Santa I’d sort of like to see Krampus or Belschnikel.  Also whenever I think of the Brandenburg Gate, I see her.

This Margot Robbie.  She is an actress and is supposedly dating Leonardo DiCaprio.  They are also co-stars in DiCaprio’s upcoming movie The Wolf of Wall Street.  This week Leonardo was spotted leaving her house early in the morning.  That’s easy to explain, they were studying lines…nakedly of course.  This guy has banged his way through all the Victoria’s Secret models and now he’s banging his way through co-stars.  I just hope that Margot doesn’t take her future dumping personally. Once you’ve accepted DiCaprio’s DNA all over your face and chest, you’ve instantly become an elite member of whatever it is that you do. Case in point: Bar Refaeli. Before Leo discovered her vagina, she was selling falafel outside a Tel Aviv McDonald’s.  I think when DiCaprio dies he should have his penis encased in gold and mounted on a plaque with a plate that says “Vagina Master Key”.

A week before the tragic shootings in Newton, CT, all was right in the world for Ke$ha.  She had the #3 song on the charts with her song titled “Die Young”.  According to radio airplay trackers, her song was reaching 167 million listeners nationwide the day before the shooting.  A day after the shooting, the song only reached 164 million listeners and by Monday it was down to 149million which is a sign that radio stations are pulling her song.  A drop this significant in a short time is rare and the last time it happened was when The Dixie Chicks were banned from country radio after their comments about then President Bush.  So it seems like Ke$ha’s catchy tune was pretty unlucky, as the song’s popularity has been cut short for a very good reason.  I think the song will drop to someplace next to the dumpster where Ke$ha sleeps.  She took to Twitter to apologize for the song and say that some mysterious being made her sing those lyrics even though she’s credited with co-writing the song.  She tweeted: “I’m so so so sorry for anyone who has been effected by this tragedy and I understand why my song is now inappropriate.  Words cannot express.”  “I understand.  I had my very own issue with “die young” for this reason. I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED to.”  I wish whoever forced her to sing those lyrics would’ve forced her to take a bath.  I bet it was the Illuminati or Kimmy Gibbler but more than likely the Jews will be blamed.

Deadmau5 proposed to Kat Von D in the douchiest manner ever and of course she said yes so they are now engaged.  He asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter.  Maybe they can send “I Love You” notes over New Myspace.  He sent this out via Twitter.  And she said “yes” and then he posted on Twitter: “holy fucking shit. im engaged and stuff!”  I really can’t wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he’s still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there’s that.

Justin Bieber pissed off the entire Philippines after taking to Instagram to mock Manny Pacquiao’s recent loss to Juan Manuel Marquez, and now they’re threatening to ban him from the country.  He posted a few images on Instagram from the recent fight.  One is here and another is here.  I can’t find the third but it was of Floyd Mayweather standing over what looked like Manny Pacquiao.  Filipino congressmen are filing a resolution that demands an apology lest Bieber be named a person non grata and be banned from the country.  I think the only reason they are doing that is because Manny Pacquiao is a congressman as well and they don’t want to be beaten by him.  The congressmen said that Bieber not only insulted Pacquiao but also the entire population.  I don’t get how that’s offensive to the entire population of the Philippines.  Talk about sensitive.  When asked about Justin Bieber, all Manny Pacquiao could say after he recovered from having his bell rung was that he’d pray for Bieber.  Ooops…I made light of Manny Pacquiao’s defeat.  I guess I insulted all of the Philippines.  But seriously, am I to believe that Justin Bieber is some sort of tough guy?  Obviously neither I nor anyone else believes that Justin is a man’s man who can handle his business with his fists, and that includes Justin herself. Good God, if Justin was any less intimidating he’d be a member of Fall Out Boy.  I know, I know, Justin has those big Twitter muscles that give him a loud mouth, but Manny Paquiao is a real man. Calling out someone’s shitty music is just a matter of opinion — calling a man a pussy for losing a fight with a legitimate fighter is what little bitches do.  As much as I dislike Pacquiao I’d like to see what Justin would’ve sent out on Twitter or Instagram following a fight with Pacquiao.  He’d probably be asking for a nurse to empty his colostomy bag and bed pan.

In case you didn’t know, Holly Madison is pregnant.  I know, I know, I could hardly believe it because it’s not like she doesn’t talk about that shit ad nauseum and takes every opportunity she can to announce she’s pregnant.  I bet she believes her child will grow up to be president or invent time travel or cure cancer.  The truth is the kid will grow up in Las Vegas and be exposed to all the drugs out there and will hang out with Criss Angel and eventually do street magic and give handjobs so he can eat at buffets.

Heidi Klum posted this photo of her sunbathing topless on Twitter this week.  Some media sources claimed this photo was racy.  Those media sources then took their girlfriend out for milkshakes and after a goodnight kiss the media outlets returned home to masturbate because their girlfriend wore a skirt that showed off her ankle.

Claire Danes isn’t pregnant anymore.  She gave birth to a so called baby boy this week.  Her and her husband Hugh Dancy welcomed so called Cyrus Michael Christopher Dancy into the world.  Cyrus-ly though?  That kid is a name hoarder.  I wonder if they’ll get him on A&E’s “Hoarders”.  I was sort of hoping they’d name him Chase or Jordan or Graham or Rickie.  I wonder if she named him in honor of the Cyrus family…dear lord no.

Good news, everyone, Lindsay Lohan finally thanked Charlie Sheen for giving her money to pay off the IRS.  When I was in college and thought of a potential writing career I never imagined myself writing that sentence.  After Charlie called out Lindsay for not thanking him she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card.  People close to Lindsay say the reason she didn’t give thanks for the gift was because she broke her cellphone and lost all of her contacts.  She should’ve just stuck a rolled thank you note inside a hooker and it would’ve reached Charlie in under 12 hours.  I guess it’s the thought that counts but who gives Charlie Sheen flowers?  That’s like giving Jessica Simpson vegetables or Tom Cruise a rubber vagina.  But if I know Lindsay and Charlie, she probably gave him a bouquet of morning glory seed packets.  Another reason Charlie is probably so upset with Lindsay about not thanking him is because in the movie Scary Movie 5 they were supposed to kiss three times but Lindsay refused to touch his lips with her lips.  That’s saying A LOT.  She basically called Charlie a nasty bitch in front of everyone and he still gave her $100,000. Lindsay is delusional, but you can’t hate her hustle. Besides, Charlie should know that most smart whores never kiss on the mouth.  And speaking of whoring that is basically what Lindsay has reduced herself to doing now.  A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.  The company, 123Talent, also claims that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist.”  I can’t believe how entertaining (and long-lasting) Lindsay’s meltdown has been. Her death spiral is changing the definition of what we used to call “rock bottom”, which is really putting a hurting on my celebrity dead pool team.  Most celebs try to save face and disappear into obscurity as penance to their career suicides (see Winona Ryder, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards) but not my Lindsay.  And when I say “my” I totally can own her now and book her for my bar mitzvah.  Lindsay’s a fighter.  Reports are also surfacing that while on the set of Scary Movie 5 Lindsay clogged all the toilets on location.  She clogged the toilet in her trailer and since all the toilets run on the same system she clogged all the others as well.  This forced the other “stars” of the movie, Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Simon Rex, and Heather Locklear, and the rest of the cast to use empty coffee cans for toilets.  Lindsay of course believes she was sabotaged by producers who snuck into her trailer and clogged the toilet because they were mad that she didn’t show up the first day of filming because she had pneumonia.  Lindsay also says that when she did show up for work the toilet and shower didn’t work.  She also claims that they took thousands of dollars out of her paycheck to pay for repairs.  Lindsay Lohan can’t even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers.  I blame the toilet because it’s the perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.  True story: one of my ex-girlfriends always clogged the toilet whenever she used it because she used like 11 rolls of toilet paper.  She was like 5’4″ and 110lbs.  She would stay in the bathroom until her legs were numb regardless of what she was doing so basically I believe this story to be true.  I liked that girl too.  She’d climb on me like I was a mountain and I was compared to her…sigh…alone for Christmas.  Lindsay may be more popular than me but I don’t owe the IRS any money and I don’t have to resort to begging Charlie Sheen to pay off my fines.

Since I tend to post a lot of T&A, here’s Brad Pitt.  He turned 49 this week.  I have to admit that as jealous as I am that women love him and throw themselves at me and throw themselves in front of traffic when they see me, I do enjoy some of his movies especially the one this photo was taken from.

Ashton Kutcher gave Demi Moore the Christmas gift that keeps on taking this year.  He filed for divorce and served her the papers this week.  He waited a year because of something about dignity and something about honor.  I bet the real reason is because Demi’s been too busy devouring 20 year old penis and devoting her life to her Red Bull addiction.  Ashton cited “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for divorce and he doesn’t want spousal support and will not give spousal support to Demi.  They will split up their estate at a later date.  Ashton will spend his Christmas with his face buried in Mila Kunis’ crotch while Demi is worried about her daughters hating her so she has to go to a dive bar where she winks at all the guys under 23.  It will be her best Christmas ever and if she’s still wearing her red string then…HAPPY KABBALAHKUH!

Amy Winehouse died in July of 201l and according to her death certificate it said that her official cause of death was “death by misadventure”.  That almost makes it sound like she died in a hovercraft accident being chased by James Bond instead of dying of alcohol poisoning.  Well, this week British officials are opening an investigation into her death and it’s not why you may think.  According to the Camden New Journal, Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy’s death, doesn’t really have the qualifications needed to fill the position.  So I guess that means any of us could beat her in a game of Operation.  The only reason she got the job is because her husband is named Andrew Reid and is a fellow coroner.  They have both resigned from their positions.  Suzanne Greenway didn’t have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse’s family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.  I hope they can finally let her rest in peace.

Coco is in Las Vegas now where she has taken over for Holly Madison, who is pregnant by the way in case you didn’t already know, in the show Peep Show.  She dances around half-naked so I suppose I’d like tickets for Christmas if any of you got me for a secret Santa.  The only bad thing about this show is that the tourists mistook her ass for the carved meat section on the buffet.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Yesterday I posted some festive Christmas and Hanukkah tattoos and as promised I’m back with more today.  I didn’t lose power like some people in this state.  I only got about 12 inches of snow but it’s hard to tell because the wind picked up and is blowing the snow everywhere.  My neighbor plowed out my driveway around noon and by 2 it looked like he hadn’t done anything.  I couldn’t get out with my 4wd because the city plowed me shut.  Schools are already closing for tomorrow.  It’s a mess but it may be the last day ever.  Anyway, enjoy these tattoos.

Have I ever told you about the one girl I dated who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week?  I once dated a girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week.

So because I dated a girl who watched A Nightmare Before Christmas at least 3 times a week I loathe these tattoos.

I refuse to watch that movie.

I don’t know if this is Zombie Santa or Demon Santa. 

A lot of people tell me Elf is a good movie.  I’ve seen it once.  It’s definitely not tattoo worthy.

I found this tattoo and it said it was supposed to be Darwin but I thought it looked like Santa…interesting how my mind interpreted that.

Here’s another tattoo from the best Christmas special, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  I don’t know why but I think it’s because of Rudolph’s expression that makes it look like Santa’s trying to get Rudolph to do more than guide his sleigh by night.

This is the only deer to stand up to Santa.

Sweet Jesus!

That tattoo will die hard.  I just hope he never encounters a man named Hans Gruber.

And that, children, is why candy canes are red and white.

Jeden Tag, jeden Jahr!  That says, “Merry Christmas every day” in German for those who don’t sprech Deutsch.

Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared supply up at me.

Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.

It was all over – I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me. Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor – heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand…

Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it’s zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of “Taps” being played, gently.

You used up all the glue on purpose!

Tonight! Tonight! It’s coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!

They’ll send the deed for cripesake. I didn’t expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley.

The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was…

Naddafinga!

Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.

A Bad Santa bad tattoo?  Actually it’s not that bad if you are considering the artwork but why would you get a Bad Santa tattoo?  WHY?  Did you ask Santa for it?  My brain hurts.

I hope you have a happy holiday season and you avoid getting a regrettable tattoo.

Instead of the Power Rankings this week, I decided to repost some Christmas and Hanukkah tattoos for your amazement and bewilderment.  I will have the second part tomorrow evening as long as the Snowpocalypse doesn’t take anything down.

He got an arrow through the throat because he wouldn’t let Rudolph join in the reindeer games.

No way would I let that guy near my teeth.


Those are abominable.

Jerry Sandusky got a tattoo for Christmas.

Celebrate or not, there is no try when Christmas it comes to.

Did you know that “Santa” is derived from “Satan”?  Don’t believe me, discuss it with the Church Lady.

I know this is from one of those old hokey Christmas specials but I can’t remember which one.

At first I thought this was Woody from Toy Story but someone told it’s from a Christmas special.  I was a deprived child.

Are the reindeer silent now Clarice?

I have a special present for you under my forest.

You have to do a lot of upkeep with this tattoo.  You rub peppermint on it once a day.

I have some mistletoe tattooed on my body where I’d like a kiss.

If you get this tattoo you’ll always have your dreams of being a dentist crushed and will be forced to work on an assembly line.

Something on my body gets all red when I get excited…ok I’m really ruining Christmas with all my references to my penis.

Santa’s gonna have to stab a bitch.

Why does Frosty look like he wants to steal my soul and then go snort copious amounts of coke?

The only thing this tattoo stole was a case of copyright infringement.

I’d like to hava little nagila with her.

You can’t take the Jew out.

Jews for Jesus

I hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for more Christmas tattoos tomorrow evening.

You do realize there’d be no Christmas had Ernest not saved it in 1988.

The struggle between wanting someone to take you seriously and wanting to text them naughty things is tough and exponentially tougher when you’re horny.

A plus side to being my friend is that you can show up to my house wearing pajamas and you won’t feel out of place because I’ll be wearing pajamas too.

You have a plan?  Oh yeah?  Well (p+l)(a+n) =pl+pn+la+ln.  Your plan has been foiled.

I don’t get why I have to pay so much money for clothes.  I’m hideously ugly naked so people should be paying me to be clothed.

I always wear layers of clothing to hide my hideous body and personality.

I enjoy all these people who claim to be Goths.  Please! You are not a real Goth until you’ve invaded Spainand sacked Rome.

They often say that “if your age is on the clock then you’re too young for the cock”.  That age is 24because they’re using a military clock.

According to my horoscope, I believe stupid things I read.

My cheese grater stopped working.  It won’t grate cheese for me after all I’ve given it.  That thing is so ungrateful.

Have you ever noticed that when a TV show has the word“Celebrity” or “Star” in the title that there are rarely people considered celebrities or stars on that show?  I tried watching Dancing with the Stars but I didn’t know who half the people were.  They probably should’ve gone with Canum Venaticorum, Canis Majoris, or Ursae Majoris and then I’d probably know more people on the show.

People with graph paper are not to be trusted.  They seem like they are always plotting something.

Have you ever went to Wikipedia to look for information on a movie you just saw and then you hit a couple of links and then 2 hours later you find yourself immersed in a page about the inner-workings of Vietnamese politics.

I found a Dorito on my carpet this evening.  That is where the story ends.  No further questions.

The holidays are upon us! I like to busy myself by stealing Christmas cards out of my neighbors mailboxes while they are at work. The extra money comes in handy this time of year. Then I like to take the cards and cut and paste them into cute little ornaments for my tree.

I was watching Mary Poppins, and got 3/4 of the way through, waiting to see her float down with her umbrella (I was fast forwarding through the scenes with naked hairy men in leather garb) ….then I realized it was Merry Poppers 3. The ending was the same though.

Breaking News: Facebook employees say that working for Facebook is the greatest job ever and the best place to work but then they scribble on a notepad, “Can’t talk, they are watching and listening to everything we say.”

No wonder Mary and Joseph couldn’t find a hotel that was open, it was Christmas Eve for Christ’s sake!

This is the one time of year I don’t regret getting that mistletoe tramp stamp.

Jews don’t believe in Santa Claus, because they can’t comprehend anyone that fiscally irresponsible.

Remember girls, you are more likely to get what you want for Christmas if you sit on Santa’s face

On Christmas Eve in 1989, a jolly man with a red suit and a white beard broke into our house through our chimney with a sack full of presents. My Dad shot the intruder 7 times. The man died, and father went to jail, but we did get to keep all the presents!

I don’t like secret Santa, he always whispers inappropriate things in my ear when I sit on his lap.

I just pray that Santa doesn’t have access to my browser history.

Chinese novels are too confusing for me.  There are just way too many characters.

I am a man of strict routine. I get up at the exact same time every day, I eat the exact same breakfast every morning, I take a 5 minute shower, brush my teeth for exactly 3 minutes, and then I rub one out and go tobed.

To protest the Vietnam War, some Buddhist monks set themselves on fire. To boycott Walmart, I started shopping at Target. I think we’re both heroes.

I’ve never tried choking during sex, unless of course, you are referring to my performance.

On December 21^st, NASA warns that the sky will grow dark.  They are calling this phenomena “night”.

Justin Bieber is awful. I wish we would’ve left him on youtube where he belongs.  Maybe if we did he wouldn’t have gotten the death plot.  So I guess we’re to blame.

Most people eventually become what they hate so eventually I’ll become a Nickelback album.

January 9, 1835 was the last time the U.S. debt was at $0.  It was short lived because President Andrew Jackson bought a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens and Beatings for Indigenous Peoples.

Why is it that every time a guy says he’s going to kick my ass, he punches me in the face?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Inside my massive frame there’s a sensitive boy that wants you to hold him and inside his frame there’s a pervert that wants to watch you take a shower.

Asking a girl how many men she’s slept with is just as bad as her asking how often you wear your exgirlfriend’s underwear while walking your dog.

My favorite beer is the one the hot bartender has to bend over to reach.

I hope this doesn’t come off as too pessimistic but we’re all going to die.

I wish belly buttons were more useful.  Maybe once in a while it could make me a steak dinner.

I am incapable of hearing the words “just hang in there” or “it will happen when it’s ready”.

Ladies, a good way to tell if a man makes more money than you is to go inside his bathroom and look at his soap.  If he has a bar of soap that is just a bunch of bars all clumped together chances are he doesn’t make much money or he’s slightly insane.

My penis is like a Nintendo cartridge.  You have to blow on it before you shove it into a tight space to get it to work.

They say that if you love something you should set it free.  But what happens if she decides to press charges?

Considering all the sex I’m not having, I’m pretty shocked I’m not married.

They say drinking alcohol doesn’t solve any problems but neither does water so I’ll stick with beer and whiskey.

I know the proper pronunciation of “Les Miserables”; it’s just that I choose not to pronounce it correctly.

If you want to explain to your children why you didn’t buy them any presents just tell them that Santa died because last year he came down your chimney and acquired miner’s lung.

One of these days I’ll win a Nobel Prize in literature for creating a word that rhymes with “orange”.

I like Hallmark Christmas movies because if it’s a 2 hour movie you can take a 90 minute nap and not miss a thing.

I was thinking of getting married but realized that for every time the girl laughs at my jokes before we’re married will turn into nothing more than eye rolls and the phrase “why did I marry this asshole” said under her breath after she says “I do.”

I was trying to find the perfect gift but I couldn’t find any partridges or pear trees so I guess they’ll have to settle for a goose I strangled at the lake park and a shrub I ripped out of someone’s front yard.

“The Nutcracker” is the perfect definition of what it’s like sitting through “The Nutcracker”.

It’s really difficult wrapping a puppy for a Christmas present.

Do you think it was awkward when they told the Asian actors in “A Christmas Story” that they had to sing “Fa ra ra ra ra”?

I love Christmas cards because I get to read stories that I’ve already read on Facebook.

Only 6 more days until I start my Christmas shopping.

What did ignorant people do with their thoughts before they had Xanga for writing and commenting?

I heard a rumor that there are people on Xanga who aren’t friends with @TheTheologiansCafe.

If you’ve never had to explain your screen saver, then your Xanga crush isn’t as pretty as mine.

I haven’t been on Xanga much lately.  I’ve been too busy polishing my grand master of karate tournament trophy that I bought at a yard sale last weekend.

I’ve been on Xanga so long that I now take more pleasure in getting emails asking about my mental health than emails asking where they can send photos of their boobs.

I tried some of these Xanga jokes out at the bar and all I got was, “What the hell is Xanga?  When my boyfriend gets back he’s going to kick your creepy ass out of here.”

I believe every Xang an has at lest one post in them that is top blog worthy and could change the way Xanga operates or reminds me to change my cats’ litterbox.

I wish I had a lover who went down on me as much as Xanga goes down.

Class, I read and responded to the last assignment.  I didn’t reply to comments because I’m behind times and replied to the comments of three other posts tonight.  I feel like a bad Xangan.  One of these days my body will be better and I’ll be able to be part of you fully.  You all get an A+.

Here’s your next assignment:

A.
   

B.
 
And if you don’t want to share your name tell us two facts about yourself.

C.
 
If you haven’t played a video game then use the protagonist from the last book you read.

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  Two women at the same time…one chopping wood and one digging holes.

B.  My name is Matt and I’m an alco—I own four guns and once hung out with a pro-wrestler.

C.  1.  Miles Davis
      2.  Aaron Rodgers
      3.  Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues
I am thinking I am going to ride out the zombie apocalypse in style and there will be some spectacular car chases if the zombies start chasing us with cop cars.

I believe it’s called #Caturday sorry I have nothing else to say.  I just am trying to process so much stuff right now.

Hope you have a great rest of your weekend.  Also if you haven’t done so, leave some comments over on my Celebrity Round Up.  I thought my Christmas present to Xanga would be a day without timestamping.

Wow I haven’t done one of these in a couple of weeks.  I don’t know if anyone missed it but whatever.  Time for the round up. 

Tom Cruise is tiny.  I hear this new movie he’s in called Jack Reacher is about a guy who needs to use a step-stool to reach for things on shelves. Even though he’s short, Tom is queen of his castle.  Tommy has a full staff that includes an estate manager, a valet, maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners and more than likely a team of human bidets.  There is also a report that says his mansion is split into zones and employees are assigned to specific zones and not allowed to wander into other zones.  I guess that helps keep snooping maids out of his sex dungeon where he has prospective Church of Scientology members chained up for his nasty desires.  And speaking of Scientology, he has the scam church involved in the running of his house.  To be an employee for Tom Cruise, they have to take a test that is about as hard as the SATs.  One person claimed: “The test took an entire afternoon and included questions such as ‘if you saw a car stuck on the train tracks with people inside, and a train approaching, what would you do?’ The questions were just odd to say the least. Another section of the test dealt with math questions. It was a very rigorous, stressful and grueling test.”  I bet the real question was: “If you saw a married, supposedly heterosexual movie star performing oral sex on another married, supposedly heterosexual movie star that is best known for singing and dancing in movies, would you tell TMZ?”

Tom Waits turned 63 this week.  He is one of my favorite singers.  There’s just something about his voice that makes me want to fill a glass with scotch and sit in a recliner all day listening to him sing.

Please, Xanga audio, please work.

These two probably aren’t that big of celebrities but they are trying…ummm…HARD!  Meet the Sexxxtons, the porn industry’s mother-daughter duo.  A lot of people thought these two weren’t related but Huffington Post did the research by checking out their driver’s licenses and looking at their private Facebook pages.  Jessica is the 56 year old mother and Monica is the 22 year old daughter and like the other mother-daughter duo in porn, Elli and Desi Foxx, they have rules for when it comes to sharing a dude or chick.  They told Huffington Post: “We don’t have a problem doing two-on-one. We will have sex with one man, but not interact with each other. It’s not easy to do. Our lips never touch and that can be a problem when filming.”  Monica got the duo into porn.  She dropped out of school in 9th grade and went into stripping and bartending.  She met some people in the porn industry and got her mom into the business and soon after she followed to help her mom hump dudes and chicks in front of a  camera.  Why does Monica do it?  Here’s what she said, “I enjoy the sex and I enjoy being with my mom. During the scenes, I think about how we’re going to be filthy rich.”  She enjoys sex, money, and being with her mom so why not put all of them together.  I like eating candy, masturbating, and watching Roseanne but I’d never combine them.  Gosh I have so many Lohan jokes and so little time.  If you’re wondering where they’re from, it’s Florida.  It’s always Florida.

Taylor Swift turned 23 this week.  I guess she’s already a cougar since she’s going after guys in high school or fresh out of high school.  I guess that’s fitting since she sometimes dresses like a grandma.  I wonder if she’d date me.  Nope, I’m too old and not in high school.  I wouldn’t date her because I can’t stand her crap music.  Anyway a month after high school junior Conor Kennedy dumped her because she was a smothering, codependent mess picking out table arrangements and wedding dates after their first date.  I think she confuses vaginal secretions with true love which is why she’s hopped on Harry Styles of the boy band One Direction.  Seriously. It’s okay to be single for five minutes. Don’t worry. Breathe. We’ll all be here when you get back.  Last week Taylor and One Direction performed at Z100′s Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday.  She took a private jet to London to pick up Harry so she could fly him to New York City and she didn’t invite any of the other members of his band.  So Harry had a choice: either slip into first class on a commercial plane with the other twinks in his group or he could sit on a private jet and let Taylor Swift braid his hair and sing him the song she wrote for her cat for the entire flight to London.  He must not have a brain since he went with Taylor.  Some of the members of One Direction don’t like where this relationship is heading.  A source close to the group told The Sun: “Her presence has stirred tensions in the band as Harry’s now spending most of his time with her, and jetted into the gig on her private jet instead of coming in with the rest of the lads.”  We all know where this is heading.  Harry will spend more and more time with Taylor and less time with One Direction and then they will want to do an album and Taylor will come to the studio and drop her two cents in for every song.  “This song doesn’t make fun of my exboyfriends enough.”  “There isn’t enough talk of baking cookies in this song.”  Then Taylor will convince Harry to record his own album and it will just be sounds of cats and Taylor baking.  Then she’ll dump him once Prince William’s unborn child enters middle school. 

Rihanna recently approached her record company asking if she could take off time to have a baby.  She wants to have a baby with Chris Brown.  They told her she has no free time until 2014.  Maybe they are just saying that for her best interest.  And since we all know for the best way to get a woman to do something is to tell her that she’s not allowed to do it, we can all thank Rihanna’s mom. So thanks, Rihanna’s mom! A source close to Rihanna said this about Rihanna’s mom: “She called Rihanna to yell at her, asking what she’s doing with her life.  They’ve been blowing up over the Chris issue for weeks now. Her mom has told her not to waste any time on Chris and said, ‘Is this the type of man you want as your baby’s dad? He’s acting just like your dad used to.’  This has made Rihanna even more determined to marry him.”  Chris Brown may have recently deleted his Twitter but he didn’t delete his penis from Rihanna’s vagina.  So who won here?  We can all agree it won’t be the baby unless Angelina Jolie adopts it.

I took this image out because it involved male nudity and I know that there are some of you out there that don’t like it.  Anyway if you want to see it here.  It’s Patrick Warburton of so many different things but I probably know him best from The Tick, Seinfeld, and Family Guy.  This was from a movie called The Civilization of Maxwell Bright.  Well…I guess we finally know why Elaine kept going back to him.

Future one hit wonder Psy is apologizing profusely to Americans this week.  Apparently 8 years ago he rapped about killing Americans with a bunch of other South Korean rappers and the rap group N.E.X.T.  They were performing a song called “Dear America” and Psy took the mic and rapped a line that went “fucking Yankees and their families should be killed slowly and painfully.”  Remember that was 8 years ago.  For some reason it is just making the rounds,  More than likely it’s because the Gangam Style song has plateaued and is no waning in popularity.  Apparently he was reacting to how South Korea sent troops to Iraq and a South Korean missionary was kidnapped and killed by an Islamic terrorist group and they blamed his death on South Korea supporting America and also the killing of two South Korean 13 year old girls by U.S. servicemen.  Here’s the apology letter: “As a proud South Korean who was educated in the United States and lived there for a very significant part of my life, I understand the sacrifices American servicemen and women have made to protect freedom and democracy in my country and around the world. The song I was featured in — from eight years ago — was part of a deeply emotional reaction to the war in Iraq and the killing of two innocent Korean civilians that was part of the overall antiwar sentiment shared by others around the world at that time.  While I’m grateful for the freedom to express one’s self I’ve learned there are limits to what language is appropriate and I’m deeply sorry for how these lyrics could be interpreted. I will forever be sorry for any pain I have caused anyone by those words. I have been honored to perform in front of American soldiers in recent months — including an appearance on the Jay Leno show specifically for them — and I hope they and all Americans can accept my apology. While it’s important we express our opinions, I deeply regret the inflammatory and inappropriate language I used to do so. In my music I try to give people a release, a reason to smile. I have learned that though music, our universal language we can all come together as a culture of humanity and I hope that you will accept my apology.”  Now that he’s apologizing can we get him to apologize for that stupid dance and all the drunken renditions we’ll have to endure over the holidays?  Maybe this is part of his masterplan.  Making me watch someone dance that does kill me slowly.  I notice that even though he may hate our country he still loves our education services and money.

Miley Cyrus’ hair keeps getting shorter.  Please, Miley, stop with the hair cuts.  There can be only one Susan Powter and you ain’t her.  But your shirt…you can keep that.

At a celebrity poker tournament last weekend, Mel Gibson told the TV show Extra that he plans on reaching out to Lindsay Lohan to help her with her problems.  He wants to be her mentor.  Hmmm I seem to remember another person a while back that Mel tried to help.  Oh yeah, he tried to be Whitney Houston’s mentor.  That worked out.  This actually may work and be about more than rehabilitation.  Think about it.  Lindsay gives blowjobs as a survival tactic and Mel demands to be blown or he’ll commit arson.  Lindsay Lohan blames everyone else for her problem and Mel blames the Jews.  Lindsay has been called a fire crotch and Mel needs the fire in his crotch to be put out so he doesn’t light his baby’s mother’s house on fire.  Well it might be a match made in heaven since Lindsay once blew a guy so good he went insane(remember the rich guy she robbed and he dropped charges after they had a private conversation).  Maybe she can blow a guy so good that he’ll become sane.  Maybe Mel won’t sit outside synagogues with bazookas telling everyone the Holocaust was fake.  Sorry about all the blowjob talk.  I’m alone and I hate it especially as we get closer to Christmas.  Anyway enough of my fake problems, the first thing Mel should help Lindsay with is paying for her storage unit.

Lindsay Lohan is off traveling with some band called The Wanted probably not because they make good music but because she needs a place to stay.  Her accounts have been seized by the IRS, and she reportedly hasn’t paid rent in a while. She also apparently owes $16K to a storage company. A storage company that’s about to auction off all her shit.  TMZ says that she owes that money and the storage unit contains expensive designer clothes, family heirlooms and potentially embarrassing items.  The unit can’t be opened until Lindsay pays the bill in full and that won’t happen because the IRS has seized her bank accounts because she hasn’t paid taxes.  It looks like her unit will be auctioned off later this month.  Oh lord please let this happen because I think we all need to see what’s in this unit. Make it a special episode of Storage Wars and put it on pay-per-view. Just let me see the coat made out of heroin and the posters of Samantha Ronson with the eyes cut out.  “Is that Darrell bidding?  YUUPPPP!”

I keep seeing photos of Matthew McConaughey from the set of his movie The Dallas Buyers Club and I keep thinking, “Golly gee whiz, that Matthew McConaughey sure is trying to win an Oscar.”  He is playing homophobe turned AIDS activist Ron Woodruff.  If he does win the Oscar I wonder who will carry it for him.

Porn star and former gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey was spotted at the Donny and Marie Osmond Christmas Show this week.  Nothing says “Christmas” like a porn star with boobs-a-plenty-a-poppin’ out of her dress.

Nick Cannon was on the Howard Stern Show this week and talked about his sex life with Mary Carey lookalike Mariah Carey.  Oh wait, that’s the other way around.  Mariah once sued Mary because she claimed Mary was stealing her likeness.  Nick claimed that they never had sex before they were married and the furthest they got was second base.  Some people claim that’s feeling up breasts.  I have no clue since I’m alone.  I just know what fifth base is.  Howard asked how could Nick marry her without knowing if she gives good blowjobs.  Nick said, “She’s Mariah Carey! I just knew she’s good!”  Now, Mary Carey…well yeah.  Maybe he equated that since she was an award winning yodeler then that must mean she’s good at the real French kissing.  I am now imagining her hitting those high notes.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish this post.  Give me 30 seconds.  OK.  There.  Nick also told Howard that they play Mariah’s songs while they have sex.  They should throw in some Flaming Lips and Nine Inch Nails.  What he didn’t tell Howard was that he has to wear a Mariah Carey mask while they bump genitals.  He also admitted that when Mariah is away he masturbates to her songs and his favorite is “Hero“.  It used to be whenever I heard that song I got a picture of Darrell Bevell leading the Badgers to a Rose Bowl victory over UCLA in 1993.  Now…GET OUT OF MY HEAD!  Why would a married person admit that on a radio show?  Oh I suppose if I was in a relationship I’d talk about my sex life quite openly here on Xanga and I guess you’ll never have to worry about that.

Mario Lopez’s wife, Courtney Mazza, took this photo and sent it over Twitter.  He’s decorating the family tree while wearing his underwear.  Surely this photo is not staged.  Their daughter will be in need of therapy years from now when she can’t figure out why she hates Christmas so much.

Kristen Stewart wore this outfit for a screening of On the Road.  I don’t know which is more awkward, the outfit or her. 

I know I promised to cut down my writing about She Who Must Not Be Named but I couldn’t pass this up.  Kim Kardashian went to Iraq and Bahrain because she is up to date on the current state of the Middle East to open a couple Millions of Milkshakes stores and by “open” I mean “walk around in a tight dress while drinking milkshakes”.  I guess you haven’t heard but this religion called Islam is pretty big in the Middle East and you can imagine the adherents delight when they found out Kim was going to visit them.   Hardline Islamic protesters rioted over Kim Kardashian being in their country of Bahrain on Saturday. Riot police fired tear gas into the crowd, putting down protesters holding signs that said “Kim Not Welcome,” some in Arabic and others in English.  “Her values clash with our traditions as a religiously committed people,” Mohammad Al Tabtabai, a Kuwaiti preacher, told the Gulf News. “Her visit could help spread vice among our youth.”  Sorry about your luck, Islamic protestors. Because here in America we stand for freedom. And if you can’t understand and accept how a rich girl who wasn’t famous enough so she made a sex tape then leaked it herself so she could have 20 shows on E! for her and her family and a clothing line that’s made by Chinese kids in a sweatshop so she can sell it to mindless lemmings in K-Mart, then you really don’t understand how freedom works, do you? Oh, no. I think not.

Gosh…Ke$ha…ugh…anyway, on a recent episode of Teen Mom, teen mom Jennelle Evans became a role model to dumb kids everywhere when she told her lawyer that she couldn’t start serving her jail sentence because she didn’t want to miss the most important event of her life, a Ke$ha concert.  Well, Jenelle’s personal messiah Ke$ha has responded to one of her devoted followers risking being put on probation for another year to watch a trash heap refugee pussy pop for 2 hours.  Huffington Post asked Ke$ha if she had seen the episode of Teen Mom.  She responded: “She is the reason I do what I do. Go grrrl don’t let the man hold you down! We R Who We R!!!!”  I hope that interview was conducted via text because I’ll kill myself if that’s what they consider to be spoken word.  Now Jenelle knows how one of Je$us’ disciples felt when he spoke to them personally.  Ke$ha is right, Jennelle is this generations Martin Luther King Jr.  I can’t wait for the day she delivers a speech with the line, “I had a dream or maybe it was a shroom hallucination.”  Jennelle’s new husband is so lucky to be married to such an activist.  Marrying her is the best decision he’s ever made next to getting her name tattooed above his nipple.

This is some Coen Brothers type shit right here.  Convicted murderer Dana Martin, who is serving two life sentences for the rape and murder of a teenage girl, tried to terrorize the world after he hooked up with two criminals who were ready to keep his murder spree ongoing.  Dana met Mark Staake in prison in New Mexico and they planned their murders.  Mark was released and he got together with his nephew Tanner Ruane.  They were going to go to Vermont to murder two of Martin’s acquaintances.  They were going to strangle them with paisley ties because that is Martin’s signature.  Then for good measure they were planning on going to New York City to a Justin Bieber concert.  They would sneak backstage, strangle Bieber and his bodyguard with paisley ties of course because Martin is a fashionista and then castrate Bieber.  Hey!  You can’t castrate a castrato.  Martin was set to pay Staake and Ruane $2500 for each set of balls they cut off.  If that doesn’t sound weird enough, it gets weirder.  Martin is obsessed with Bieber.  He has a tattoo of Bieber on his leg and I bet that makes him a very popular inmate.  And the funny thing is, when he went into jail he didn’t have that tattoo so he got a Justin Bieber prison tattoo.  It must be lovely.  Well I bet he was staring into the tattoo’s eyes and the tattoo told him to turn himself in.  He told police his murder plot and the police caught Ruane and Staake.  Ruane was found in New York after a phone conversation with Martin where Ruane told him that he was upset that he hasn’t been able to kill anyone.  Justin Bieber’s publicist says the star is fine and they take extreme precautions to make sure that Meal Ticket Justin Bieber is safe.  The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties.  Also I think Dana Martin should consider himself lucky since he’s in prison and doesn’t have to face any of Bieber’s fans.

Weight Watchers is quite upset with Jessica Simpson.  She gained a lot of weight when she got pregnant and was paid $3million by Weight Watchers to lose the baby weight but now she went and got herself pregnant so she won’t be losing weight any time soon.  They were already mad at her because she hadn’t lost enough weight for the first ad and they had to shoot her from the waist up.  They can’t air the ads now because who wants to watch commercials about a pregnant woman dieting?  But if Weight Watchers plays their cards right they can make lemonade with deep fried lemons by making commercials with the tagline: “If you can’t do it then you’re a dumbass like Jessica Simpson.”

Holy crap, Jennifer Lawrence…damn.  She was voted the Most Desirable Woman of 2013 by AskMen.  Mila Kunis, Kate Upton, Rihanna, and Emma Stone rounded out the top 5.  Last year Kim Kardashian was #8.  This year she was #98.  HAHAHAHAHA!  Better release a new sextape.  A lot of women seem to think that these lists perpetuate the belief that a woman’s worth is based solely on how she looks in a bikini and how many guys want to fuck her, when in reality it’s solely based on her cup size-to- waist ratio and how often she sits in complete silence making you another drink.  I only mention this because women’s groups are saying this list apparently shows that a “normal” woman can reach the top.  I’m pretty sure that if Jennifer worked with these women they’d treat her like crap and accuse her of trying to steal their boyfriends because she’s so hot.  I really don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’m alone.

True love is on the ledge and ready to jump onto a pile of rocks.  I’m just sad that the love of Ice T and Coco isn’t as solid as rocks or silicone implants.  Ice T took to Twitter to pour out his feelings about his wife after he saw photos of her cavorting with a rapper from Oakland named AP.9.  They were posing like two high schoolers at the prom.  Here’s the site that posted the photos.  Here are Ice T’s tweets: “Coco’s in Vegas. She has given me her explanation of the pics on the net from her first weeks out there with some dude. She said he knew someone in the crew from our show and would pop up where ever they would go. He also said he knew me.. I don’t know dude.”  “Regardless.. They would take Posed pics every time. Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look.. And feel like sh-t.”  “I say this on Twitter because there’s no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple.  That’s it.  Any more questions ask @Cocosworld” “Don’t get it twisted… I’m not happy about this sh-t.”  “Daily Game: Trust no one..”  Coco did respond via Twitter of course: “Woke up to people in a panic about some pics,please guys I’m happily married,sometimes fans & friends take silly pics.Its harmless. #RELAX“  “Ice is right,the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened”  “I feel so sad,the bottom line is I love Ice & I can understand why he’s upset theres no excuse for my actions.I’m so sorry baby & to evryonea”  You’re probably thinking, “Why is this asshole writing about these two and why are they airing their dirty laundry in public?”  BECAUSE!  They are America’s first couple and we demand explanations.  Also they have a reality show to sell.  Even if this is just a shameless stunt to promote said reality show, I’m still frowning.  Strangely enough, when I pout and frown, my quivering lips kind of look like CoCo’s camel toe when it’s about to stampede.

This past Halloween I thought it was the end of days because Heidi Klum didn’t throw her usual costume parties.  Turns out she had feelings of guilt over cheating on her ex-husband Seal.  Well she decided to throw a costume Christmas party.  This was Heidi dressed as Cleopatra sitting on Santa’s lap.  I really don’t know what’s going on here but would like to know how they airlifted a vat of LSD to that party.

Hayden Panettiere did a sexy photo shoot for Esquire magazine.  She told some jokes and wore a bikini.  I’m thinking some of you may remember her from the TV show Heroes or when she danced around Dorothy after Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch of the East.  She also recently broke up with her boyfriend, former NFL player Scotty McKnight.  I know if you’re like me then your world is spinning off it’s axis.  I don’t know why they broke up but keep in mind he was a quarterback cut by the New York Jets.  The Jets.  The Jets whose first string quarterback can’t seem to play the position and their back-up quarterback seems like he’s only staying in the NFL until he makes enough money to build his own megachurch.  I guess you have to be pretty bad to be cut from the Jets.

Tom Brady and his wife Giselle Bundchen welcomed a daughter into the world this week.  I wonder if the baby sashayed down the birth canal like it was a catwalk.  They named the girl Vivian Lake.  Lake?  Giselle had one of those fancy water births so Vivian was born in a lake.  I wonder if the water they used was Evian because Vivian sort of sounds like Evian.  I guess Vivian Lake is better than Vivian Kiddie Pool.  I bet Giselle will have lost the baby weight by tomorrow.

Frankie Muniz is 26 years old.  He’s probably best known for his role as Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle.  He retired from showbiz at age 20.  Well this week he was rushed to the hospital after his friends noticed that he wasn’t acting right.  He wasn’t speaking properly and couldn’t process anything the people were saying to him.  Doctors determined that he had a mini-stroke.  I wonder if it was “mini” because he’s so small.  Either way, that’s pretty odd.  You don’t hear of many 26 year olds having strokes but then you also don’t hear of many 20 year olds retiring at age 20 with $40million in the bank.

Courtney Stodden and her husband Doug Whateverthehell had to go out and run some errands.  You know, the typical, pick up the mail, go to the pharmacy.  Well this is the outfit she wore.  Hmmm maybe the next news we’ll hear of Doug is that he’s a shoe salesman because I think Courtney is trying to be the blonde Peggy Bundy.

Brad Pitt almost lost his life to the hands of Mike Tyson.  He should be thankful for every breath he takes, sunset he sees, and fan he bangs because Mike Tyson would’ve ripped him to shreds back in the late 80s.  Mike was telling the story on Yahoo Sports this week.  It was when he was going through a divorce with Robin Givens.  Mike said that even though they were going through the divorce they still had sex.  One day he hoping to go to her place to have a quickie before he went to the lawyer to file the divorce papers.  Brad apparently got there before Mike and Mike caught the two in an embrace.  Mike said this: “I guess Brad got there earlier than I did… I was getting a divorce, I was going to my lawyer’s office… but I wanted to sneak in a quickie… Before I would go to my lawyer’s office to say she’s a pig… I would go to her house and have sex with her. This particular day someone beat me to the punch.  I hope Brad don’t think I’m mad at him… I was mad as hell (at the time). You should have saw his face when he saw me!”  I can’t believe that two decades later we’re finding out that Brad Pitt was giving Robin Givens the hard salami. What’s even more surprising is that the Mike Tyson of those days decided against pulling out Brad’s spleen and shoving it up his rectum. See how you children are lucky to be living today? Back then, if you wanted to know about celebrity gossip you had to go to a magical place called a newspaper stand and buy what our forefathers called a “magazine.” Magazines were like giant Applebee’s menus, except with more pages and less content. Yeah, in the good ol’ days, Mike Tyson sold a lot of magazines — you could say he was the lithographic Lindsay Lohan of his day, only slightly less insane.

A few weeks ago I wrote about Ariel Winter having issues with her mom.  This story keeps getting more messed up.  It’s like Ariel is a 14 year old Disney princess come to life because her mother is definitely a Disney villain come to life with a heart made of vulture shit.  Chrystal Workman lost custody of Ariel to her other daughter Shannelle after she was accused of emotional and physical abuse.  Ariel says her mother is a monster and Chrystal is saying that Shannelle is using Ariel to get the money Ariel makes on Modern Family.  A publicist has stepped forward and said something that may make Chrystal more evil than a Disney villain and put her on par with Satan.  Publicist Jonathan Hay said this: “Chrystal Workman, the mother of Ariel Winter, wanted me to represent her and leak nude photos in the media of her other daughter Shanelle Workman. In all my years of being a publicist, I have never seen anyone stoop as low as wanting to sell out and destroy the reputation of her own daughter. Chrystal said she wanted the public to see Shanelle for who she really was and smear her daughter in attempts to try and get custody back of Ariel.Chrystal has called me nonstop in the last 48 hours, trying to get me to leak these pictures.”  The photos are supposed from 8 or 9 years ago which would have been when Shannelle was 25 or 26.  She’s an evil mastermind because everyone knows that if you bare your breasts on camera when you’re 25 you won’t be able to take care of a 14 year old girl when you’re 34.  I can hear the judge now, “I have seen your 25 year old titties and give full custody to Chrystal Workman.”  I think Kris Jenner and Dina Lohan need to take lessons from Chrystal Workman.

Anne Hathaway was seen getting out of a vehicle at the premier of Les Miserables.  There are two things I’ve learned from this photo.  1.  It’s difficult exiting a vehicle while wearing a dress.  2.  Anne Hathaway hates underwear.

If you remember a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men appeared in a video for a Christian group and he lambasted Two and a Half Men and called it filth and urged people not to watch it and claimed he didn’t want to be on the show.  I’m shocked he hasn’t mentioned giving back the money he made from CBS.  Les Moonves, the CBS CEO who also handled the Charlie Sheen fiasco, admits that he doesn’t know Jones’ status with the company.  He had this to say: “I don’t know what our status is with him.  We took this boy who started with us when he was eight years old, and it seemed to be what happens with child stars over the course of time.  He’s now making $300,000 per week which is not a bad salary for a 19-year-old kid, and he went on a religious channel and urged people not to watch the show because it was filth. By the way, he’s still collecting his $300,000 a week.”  Yea, he makes a good point.  Even though Jones claims the show is filth, he’s still collecting his paycheck.  Why wouldn’t he give it back?  Maybe he doesn’t follow his own advice because Jesus will forgive him.  I don’t know, if I went to a restaurant and said it was disgusting filth and told people not to eat there, chances are I wouldn’t go back the next week. You know, unless they were paying me to eat there and no other restaurant would let me in because I’ve been typecast in the other restaurants commercials.

Amanda Bynes is really good at Instagram.  She sent this photo out to her followers along with the caption: “On that no candy diet”.  I’m assuming that not eating candy makes you want to take photos of your boobs.  Amanda does seem like the totally sane and rational person who would know the specific side effects of not eating candy.  I guess we should listen to her since she obviously knows what she’s talking about.  I bet she read it in a medical journal.

Holy crap…something positive about Charlie Sheen!  Charlie was talking with a Hermosa Beach police officer recently.  Don’t worry, he wasn’t being arrested.  The cop mentioned how his 10 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with a form of cancer called Childhood Rhabdomyosarcoma.  It’s a form of cancer that occurs in the muscle tissue and requires over a year of expensive medical treatments like chemo and radiation therapy.  Charlie told the cop that no parent should have to see a child go through that.  Then the next day Charlie sent a check for $75,000 to the Hermosa Beach Police Department who had started a fundraiser for the girl.  Say whatever bad stuff about Charlie you will and I know that would take all day so don’t, this is a heartwarming story.  I’ll just congratulate him on handing out money to females who may die soon.  Also remember when Charlie was trying to help Lindsay Lohan?  Well he gave her $100,000 to pay off her IRS tax fine of $234,000.  Charlie told Entertainment Tonight that he did send her money but she didn’t send him a thank you and he’s waiting for something as simple as a text saying “thank you”.  That probably won’t happen since if Lindsay can’t pay on a storage unit she probably can’t pay her cellphone bill.  Lindsay Lohan is smart for not saying thank you. Because saying thank you is confirming to him that she got the money and gave it to a pharmacy in Mexico in exchange for two truck fulls of Oxycontin.  I’m pretty sure I should pay all of you $100,000 for making you look at that photo of Charlie Sheen.

Demi Moore was spotted partying in Miami last weekend.  She recently broke up with her 20 year old boyfriend and it looks like she was on the prowl with those damn stupid glasses.  Ugh…I hate that people wear glasses without any lenses.  Anyway the look on Lenny Kravitz’s face says it all.

I hope everyone has a great weekend like Demi up there but please don’t wear those glasses.  Fuck, I hate Christmas.

Hey hey, these are back!  Maybe tomorrow you’ll also get a celebrity round up but only if I can’t sleep tonight because of the pain.  Anyway, here’s your links and tattoos.

1.  Sometimes you can really tell when a movie studio puts out a sequel to a popular movie just to cash in on the success of the original movie.  Well here are 6 sequels that would’ve ruined the classics if they had been released.  I actually remember reading about the sequel to Forrest Gump and I wanted that to be made so bad.

2.  I think one of the reason why I don’t like coffee is because I have this fear of grabbing it and it being too hot cause me to spill it on myself and being burned.  Well with this product, Heatswell, will prevent that.

3.  Here’s a fun comparison of items you see and how animals see them.

4.  Have you ever watched a TV show and wondered how a different actor would look in a certain role?  I do that quite a bit actually especially when I hear about how actors turn do roles.  Well here are 18 famous TV roles that were originally played by someone different.

5.  And while we’re on the topic of TV, here’s 25 of the most powerful TV shows of the past 25 years.

6.  And while we’re on the topic of 25 powerful things, here’s 25 of the most powerful songs of the last 25 years.

7.  You know how I have been sharing my love of wikipedia lists, well here’s a list of common misspellings.  It might behoove people to study that.  I know I need to brush up on my spelling.

8.  This list is NSFW.  It’s the 50 worst things on the internet in 2012.  I didn’t make the list…whew.

9.  And while we’re getting retrospective about 2012, here are the top 25 beers of 2012.  I think I’ve only had one of those.  I’ve really cut back on drinking but then according to Mojo Nixon, Beer Ain’t Drinking.

10.  a couple of weeks ago I shared Greg Rutter’s list of 99 things you should’ve experienced on the internet by now.  Here is the second definitive list of 99 things you should’ve experienced on the internet unless you’re old or a loser.

11.  Here’s a button that makes everything OK.

12.  In case you were wondering, the Dole/Kemp 96 campaign website is still up and running.  LOOK AT THOSE CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS!

Bonus: Is it Christmas?

Tattoo time:

OK I saw this today.  Earlier this week there was this monkey wearing a coat found at an IKEA in Toronto.  It became this huge internet meme.  Well this bright girl decided she had to get the IKEA monkey tattooed on her body.  That will be awesome in a year.

Awesome is this tattoo.

I guess meme tattoos aren’t that bad.

Have you ever been so in love with someone that you got their portrait tattoo on your body and then you broke up?  Well this is the only logical way to cover up the tattoo of your ex.







Admire all these Breaking Bad tattoos.  I was sort of shocked I found this many.

OK, thanks for the advice.

I think I’d rather visit Giraffic Park than Jurassic Park.  The giraffes wouldn’t eat me but they would try to steal all my leaves.

Tattoo Bea Arthur ain’t having none of your shit.

I wish I had a Carl Carlson or Lenny Leonard in my life.  But then I wish they were female.

Have a wonderful time.