Well I'm back with this week's installment of Power Rankings.  You have to picture me sitting behind a desk with a piece of paper in my hands staring at a camera while reading these because I sort of envision myself as one of those douchey ESPN anchors.  I don't know what else to say here. 

#25.  Tumblr -9000
The site was down for most of the day.  It helped alleviate procrastination but it made hipsters shed tears because they couldn't share photos of their latest meal.  I also couldn't look at free porn.

#24.  The Economy -7000pts
The economy is shit although I see people buying needless crap at Walmart lately so either the economy is improving or a Christian holiday is approaching.

#23.  80s Music 375pts
As a child of the 80s, I have to say I enjoyed some music from that time period although the hairstyles and fashion were horrendous...the music, AWESOME!

#22.  Frank Sinatra 382pts
This guy is the epitome of cool.  I so want to emulate his turning 4 years of actual work into a 40+ year career.

#21.  Family Guy 385pts
I didn't know whether to go with Conway Twitty or Family Guy for the #21 spot so I went with Fmaily Guy because I'm in midst of watching every single episode on my DVD sets.  If you were expecting something new this week then na-na-na-na-nuh jokes on you!

#20.  Mash Ups 392pts
One song is good, two songs is better, what about both those songs plus others possibly mixed together?  Fan-fucking-tastic!  I used to sit around and play multiple cd players just so I could find a possible combo to mash up.  I never made the masterpiece that got me famous.  I wish I had thought of these.  I should really bring back my Monday Mash-Up Madness post.

#19.  The Amish 400pts
I can say whatever I want here because they can't read this.  HAHAHA!!!! I have fully harnessed the power of TECHNOLOGY and no am planning on using against the Amish!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  Sorry, I went into my mad scientist phase.  Actually I am hoping they start posting the ads around town looking for "neues Blut".  I'm actually amazed at the amount of Amish reality shows.  You have two or three on the National Geographic Channel and then there was Breaking Amish and now there's Amish Mafia.  Holy shit.

#18.  Jackass  412pts
Still makes me laugh after all these years.  I wonder if they are ever going to give it up.  They probably don't have many years left with all the abuse to their bodies some of which is courtesy of the Miller Brewing Company.  MMMM Miller High Life...Champagne of Beers....bottle rockets attached to a tallywhacker..you won't see that on Masterpiece Theater. 

#17.  Iron Chef Japan 415pts
The mother or father whichever way you look at it is the best cooking game show ever.  I used to hate The Cooking Network refusing to show any episodes from the second, third, or fourth season.  I think I know the outcome of every single episode they currently air.  They now took it off the air and only air the bastardized American version.

#16.  College basketball 419pts
I found myself actually paying attention to the scores this early in the season.  It's amazing!

#15.  Marijuana 420pts
I think this should be made legal throughout the country and tax it and maybe that way people won't be so upset with the state of affairs in this country and also it might remove the sticks from some people's asses.  We could also generate some income and potentially eliminate some of the cartel violence.  Gateway drug?  My ass!  Oh and my appetite has returned.

#14.  Davy Crockett 444pts
Hey, all due respects, this guy shot himself a bar when he was only 3.

#13.  Guy Fieri 453pts
This guy is annoying as all hell.  I'd rather tear my finger nails off with a flathead screwdriver than watch one of his shows.  So his name is Guy Fee-air-ee but the Food Network pronounces it Guy Fee-et-ee.  Yes, those Italian names are quite confusing. 

#12.  The Wheel of Fortune 464pts
G_   _uck  _ourself  _ _ (the answer is at the bottom)

#11.  Howie Mandel 471pts
Remember when this guy was a popular comedian and he even had his own cartoon?  Then he became a germaphobe and gameshow host who briefly hosted a talent contest despite having no discernible talent.  Now he is back to gameshow hosting duties and the show is nothing more than Yankee Swap.

#10.  Arthritis 478pts
This bitter scourge rears its ugly head and harms millions of Americans.  It makes me forgo some of my favorite activities like tightening screws around the house, using tweezers, cursive writing, kick boxing, football, and dialing the phone.

#9.  Martin Luther 95pts
Those 95 points are some of the most powerful points in the world.  People need to learn church history and understand the balls this guy had going against Rome.  I went to a high school and a college named after him.  When I would say Luther High or the college that bears his name people would ask me what it was like to be the only white guy at my school.  I would play along and say it was hard and it was very difficult to be a minority. 

#8.  Guitar Hero 483pts
This game proves to countless youth around the globe that by clicking and pressing buttons that they can play guitar.  Serious conversation from this last Sunday after church:
Kid: Hey, Matt, I don't need guitar or drum lessons anymore.
Me: Oh yeah?  Why not?
Kid: I have Guitar Hero and I can play on expert level.
Me: Yeah, you're set.

#7.  Deutschland 500pts
Meine Familie kommt aus Deutschland. Ich bin nicht völlig deutsch, aber es ist mein Vaterland. Ich genieße deutsche Kultur, Musik, Sprache und Nahrung. Ich versuche, nicht an die Geschichte zu denken. Ich koche bald Bratwurst.

#6.  Porn 69pts
I think if it wasn't for my condition and arthritis, I'd be addicted.

#5.  Culver's 553pts
I love this restaurant.  Culver's is a fast food restaurant that is slowly spreading out of the Midwest all over the country.  Their food features never frozen beef and they cook those burgers in butter and it hardens the arteries.  Culver's is best known for its ice cream...NO!  It's frozen custard.  Every Culver's location has a flavor of the day and each location will vary as to what their flavor is.  I grew up near the very first Culver's and we would go there on Sunday afternoons and wait in line an hour just for a dish of the flavor of the day frozen custard.  That is some great stuff.  You can learn more about Culver's here. 

#4.  Snow 587pts
I was doubting it would ever get here but WHAM we get a storm this past weekend and get about 4 inches.  It's slowly leaving but hopefully we'll get some more for Christmas.

#3.  Homophones 600pts
Their are words out they're that have to meanings but sound alike.  Your probably confused about my spelling but this is my reminder too you to make sure you double check you're type because its going to speak for you're intelligence.  Now, I'm going two eat a caret in my birth on a train and then I am going too by that book that I featured in number for.

#2.  12/12/12 121212pts
Whether you celebrated as just the last time you'll see all the same numbers in the date or you celebrated it as Aaron Rodgers Day, it was a great day to be alive in this country.  Today was a good day, I didn't even have to use my AK.

#1.  Xanga Friends 1,000,000pts
You guys rock!  I've been losing friends at an alarming rate.  I figure I'm too offensive for some of you but  my views are up because I've been linked on The Huffington Post, Reddit, and Pinterest.  Also a video I posted YEARS ago was used in an article about Conan O'Brien in The AV Club and I'm still getting hits from that article all these years later and that same video was also linked to numerous hockey forums, stumbledupon, and the official website of the California Angels of Aneheim.  I am finally understanding the comments people make when they say that Xanga is dead.  It used to be when I logged in at lunch hour that I had to cycle through all 7 pages to get to where I left off before I went to bed.  Now I only go back 4 pages and most of those contain comments on my posts.  Maybe I'm not writing anything interesting but I do feel that I really should develop a crack habit and sing "I Will Always Love You" because of how dead it is around here.

I don't know what this has to do with anything.  I love the Blues Brothers and if you want to get me a Christmas present get me that DVD.

Well I hope I didn't waste your time.

Puzzle answer: GO TUCK YOURSELF IN (I love Family Guy)

Masturbation is sex with the person you should love most.  Although make up sex is often awkward because of the argument you had with yourself.

Do you think Santa Claus does human trafficking?  All I really want is a girlfriend for Christmas.  I’m looking for a girl with a tight pussy and a tighter personality. See, I’m not just into sex.

I had this strange theory that a girl’s affinity for the song “Santa Baby” is directly proportional to the severity of her daddy issues and how much she loves butt stuff.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has noticed that the new president has the exact same name as the last president.

Wisconsin is the only state where NFL attire is considered to be acceptable business attire.

If this was the 1600s, I’d be married 20 years by now and have like 10 children but I’d only have a year or two left in my life…sigh…the good ol’ days.

I wonder what would happen if Taylor Swift dated Chris Brown.  That would be the most fucked up music ever recorded.

If life deems you worthy and hands you lemon squares you politely accept because lemon squares are delicious.  And if you aren’t a greedy jerk you’ll share with your friends.

I think the people who hold up lighters at rock concerts are just too lazy to bring Molotov cocktails.

A Matador *isn't* a Mexican doormat? No wonder that hombre got mad when I wiped my feet on him.

My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on it's back for three weeks now.

Try drinking a 5th of Dewar's and walking a straight line. Now THAT'S Hop-Scotch!

Being addicted to Oxycontin is what I call an "Oxymoron".

I'm certain that the song "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" is a reference to genital herpes.

I'd like to think that burning sensations are a subtle warning from God that you're a sinner.

Girl, I know we’ve had a rough patch and we need to hash everything out and there’s one question I’ve been longing to ask you, is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and I like to sit in my den and laugh at my own jokes.

My dad invited me to have lunch.  He made some chicken dish.  I took a bite and chewed and informed him that it was dry and tasteless.  He replied,“Oh, so just like your humor, right?”

I love how in Grand Theft Auto the police won’t chase you if you’re standing next to dead bodies but if you slightly bump their car then they arrest you.

I think there is a war between popcorn companies and microwave companies because every microwave has a popcorn button but every popcorn bag tells you not to use that button.

I get so pissed off when vegans lecture me on eating meat or wearing leather.  They use electricity, electricity comes from oil, and oil comes from dead dinosaurs.  They’re all hypocrites.

I was listening to some music from the 90s and I got so confused.  How is rocking the mic like a vandal considered extreme?  I guess I should ask Vanilla Ice that one.  Does anyone know which Burger King he’s working at these days?

I wonder if there’s a Nobel Prize for not accidentally biting your tongue.  OUCH!  Dammitt!  I guess there's always next year.

People make fun of me for doing my Christmas shopping at garage sales during the summer.  But he who holds the season 2 DVD set of Bones with the second disc missing laughs last.

People in glass houses should never throw stones unless you’re my neighbor.  His glass house is double-paned.

I’ve been going on about this for a while I know but I really despise the whole generation of John Green and Stephen Chbosky style books that are gaining popularity right now mainly because they absolutely wreak of platitude to me.  If you write a book about somebody with a terminal disease or whatever it’s guaranteed to be published.  I can picture John Green sitting in his room drinking a Starbucks frappucino and listening to “neutral milk hotel” while he writes another weird hipster book on his electric typewriter.  I hate books that are like some douchy hipster guy searching for the meaning of life and love in a cynical world with his Yoko Ono girlfriend, bundled together with some ecards style humor and a title that has nothing to do with the story.  Never give me one of those to read or I will puke on you.

The worst part of going to your company’s Christmas party is looking for a job the next day.

I’m pretty sure I ate so much this weekend that my toilet has stretch marks.  But 55 cent Whoppers are so good.

Ladies, if you don’t know what to get your boyfriend or husband for Christmas, I’m here to help. No guy will complain if the only gift he receives is a piece of paper that says “Certificate good for ____ blowjobs.” I think the larger the number should be relative to the amount of times you cheated on him or the amount of times you had to put up with him farting in front of you.

Ladies, if you ever meet a man that seems perfect in every way, he probably has a really weird looking penis.  I’m just warning you now so you’re expectations aren’t that high when we get married.

It’s been one of those days where I need a girl wearing nothing but black fishnet stockings to meet me at my door, give me a case of beer,and then sit on my face.

Lingerie is the Christmas gift that says, “I gave you something but only thought of myself.”

A recent study by scientists found that breast implants need a lifetime of care.  Men everywhere asked where they could sign up.

Did you know girls worry that their thighs touch?  This is like a huge thing among girls and I didn’t have clue that it was an issue. Usually when I look at a girl my, my first thought is, “Wow, a girl” and not “OH MY GOD HER THIGHS ARE TOUCHING!”

A recent study found that a man’s lowest attention levels are when he is listening to a woman talk and his highest attention levels are when he’s shaving his balls.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I became the life of the party when I started attending funerals.

How come we live in a world where lemonade is made with artificial ingredients and floor polish is made with real lemons?

I wear a size 17 4E shoe. You know what they say about men with big feet?  It takes a Chinese child an extra 5 minutes to make my shoes.

The Victoria’s Secret fashion show and catalog were great until I learned last weekend that you can find free porn on the internet.

A girl came over and she wanted to play truth or dare. I am getting old because I dared her to cook me a meal.

Even in my sex dreams I disappoint women.

Did you know that the James Bond movie “Octopussy” was based on the Ian Fleming short story “Squidcunt”?

I have mixed feelings about being in a relationship.  Half of me doesn’t want to be tied down but the other half is really into bondage.

Whenever you feel like you’re a genius just remember there was a time in your life when you struggled not to poop in your pants.

I honestly don’t think gun control would’ve stopped Javon Belcher from killing his girlfriend.  If a person is desperate enough they will find a way to end lives.  If he had stabbed her would people be calling for the eradication of knives?  Would people say that stabbings are a result of obesity because everyone is eating and uses knives?

I was pretty mad at the 6^th graders for laughing at me when I came out of the faculty bathroom. Then I realized what they heard and I started to laugh as well.

I never did write what I was thankful for at Thanksgiving so here is what I’m most thankful for this year. I’m most thankful for salad bars that have chocolate pudding.

You never hear about get poor quick schemes.  I bet they involve Ferris wheels, alcohol,cheese, and squirrels.

I need a girlfriend that wants to be constantly reminded how beautiful and amazing she is otherwise I'll just become really annoying to you.

If someone ever texts me “K”, I text back “potassium” and then I go open a chemistry book to a photo of the periodic table and masturbate furiously.

Ohio State just announced that they will name a street after their 12-0 team:"12-0 Row".  I expect it will intersect “No Bowl Game Boulevard”.

Whenever I have a shitty day, I watch 70's sitcoms because misery loves Three's Company.

They say that Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” synchs up with “The Wizard of OZ” while Ke$ha’s new album synchs up with every sorority girl that vomits while giving a stranger head.

I was hanging out with my girlfriend and listening to Pink Floyd the other day.  She says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to have sex while Floyd was playing in the background.”  I replied, “I love you.”  She said, “Quiet, I really like this solo.”  I said, “I really love you.”  She said, “Can’t you ever shut up?  That’s it we’re over.”  I then said, “Baby, please don’t, I think gullible girls are the sexiest.”  She said,“Oh my god, really?  I love you.”  I have an active imagination because most girls treat me like God; they only talk to me when they want something.

I have profiles on three major religious dating websites.  I’ve gotten a few hits on my JDate profile.  My ChristianMingle profile is getting a few nibbles.  But my AlQaedaDate is bombing.

If I was homeless, I’d walk around saying “Mi casa es tu casa” to everyone I meet on the street along with a maniacal laugh as I die a little inside.

Great job on Xanga, everyone!  We’re totally NOT wasting our lives.

Someone once asked me how to tell if a girl on Xanga had a crush on you.  The perfect way to tell isif she emails you and asks if it’s always that veiny.

People have said the majority of my posts are not safe for work.  Where the hell do you work?  The Vatican?

When I lose friends on Xanga, I just assume that I didn’t adequately entertain complete strangers for free and this makes me want to go out and punch some endangered species.

I don’t like referring to people online as followers because that implies you’re all a bunch of lemmings. What should I call you? Crew?  Borgata?  Friends? Comedy aficionados?

I never blame my problems on other people except when my posts don’t get recommends.

Xanga is so dead lately. I feel that I should develop a crack habit and sing “I Will Always Love You” whenever I log in.

After the apocalypse there’ll be a Xanga meet-up in Hell.  RSVP if you’re not attending.  You definitely have to attend if you laughed at that last joke or even understood it.

I was recently diagnosed with narcolepsy but I don’t think my doctors really

Class, I read your last assignment and was pleased.  Part of my sneaky reasoning behind question A was so that I could have Xangans birthdays so I can wish you all a happy birthday.  I'm weird like that since I don't really celebrate my birthday.  I just want others to be happy on theirs.  Anyway that's weird so everyone gets an A+.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  

B.
  

C.
  
Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  Princess Glitz

B.  I think school should be year round.  You would be shocked how much knowledge kids lose over a summer break.  It always seemed like the first quarter and half of the second were all review in most subjects.  I had students that came back after summer and couldn't write or read cursive writing.  I had one student that forgot how to tell time using an analog clock.  I had another student forget how to form paragraphs.  It was awful.  One of the school districts in my area is implementing year round school.  The kids will get a three week vacation in the summer and I forget how the other vacations line up but I think they have two other three week vacations in there somewhere.  The problem with implementing this is they are only going to use it for K-4.  To me that's stupid because what happens when a kid in 3rd grade has a sibling in 6th and that sibling has a full summer break while the kid in 3rd grade has class?

C.  I'd rather go with the rusty nail because I've done it before and it wasn't that painful.  I imagine the worst part of being grazed is seeing the blood which would probably cause me to faint.

I'm surprised I'm posting this since I'm not sleeping.  Usually I don't sleep.  I get by on maybe 3 or 4 hours a night.  Well yesterday I crashed.  I get home from a doctor appointment and shopping at about 3:30 in the afternoon and by 4 I'm out.  I sleep until 7.  Then at 9:30 I fall asleep again and sleep until 12:30.  Then I go back to sleep at 1 and sleep until 8.  I fall back asleep at about 8:30 and sleep until 10:30.  Then in the afternoon I drift off for about an hour.  Then this evening I feel asleep for an hour.  I'm getting sleepy as I write about sleep.  Anyway it's #caturday  I can't sleep through that otherwise my cats will kill me.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  I'll try to reply to comments tomorrow.

For those of you who have been with me for the long haul, you'll remember that three years ago I was fascinated with the college basketball rankings and I started making my own top 25 and I called it Power Rankings.  These days ESPN usually rates all sports teams based on their particular sport and a lot of times they call it Power Rankings.  I like to think that they stole the idea from me but they didn't.  I really have no clue how they rate teams and why some rise in the rankings despite losing and some go lower despite winning games.  These are just going to be random and if anyone is offended it's just a fricking imaginary ranking system.  I have no clue what the points mean, just like the DOW Jones or the NASDAQ or Whose Line is it Anyway.

#25.  Xanga Audio 351pts
The audio portion of Xanga has mystified me for years.  I can upload my favorite songs to share with my friends but after listening to them for a number of times they stop working.  Xanga audio would've ranked higher if it had stellar and trustworthy performance.  I'm sort of sick of spending time to upload a song, play it twice, and then not have it work ever again.

#24.  Digital Cable  380 pts
Screw you analog tv!

#23.  #20.  Family Guy 382pts
People don't like this show.  I do.  Get the fuck off my back.  Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty...

I can't wait to see if this one works because right now all it says is "This is a placeholder for the audio".

#22.  Vodka 402pts
Be it cheap or uber-expensive, vodka remains the silent assassin.

#21.  Teddy bears 403pts
I have a teddy bear my grandfather gave me a week before he died when I was 3, what of it?  Wanna fight?

#20.  Church League Softball Fistfights 407pts
Getting washed in blood on a Tuesday night, what would Jesus do, well he wouldn't do that, hit the preacher in the head with a softball bat.

#19.  Box Elder Bugs  413pts
WTF!?!?!?!  These things don't die.  They're everywhere!  I think the cold will kill them off but it just freezes them and then when it warms up they come back to life and crawl over me while I'm trying to watch Sons of Anarchy.

#18.  Sons of Anarchy  415pts
HOLY HELL THAT WAS SUCH AN AWESOME FINALE!

#17.  Paul McCartney is Dead Hoax 417pts
Still going strong all these years later.

#16.  Maury Povich 419pts
He continues to give us great television in this time of fiscal cliffhanging.

#14-15 tie.  Cheech and Chong 420pts/Marijuana 420pts
Those guys have given us the best marijuana related humor.  Marijuana continues to be labeled a gateway drug by the squares.  Oh and my last doctor visit, he joked that if I was in California, my symptoms may get me a prescription for the medical variety. 

#13.  Facebook 427pts
That social network continues to baffle experts.  How can Jim Morrison have 25 different pages and be dead unless he isn't dead? 

#12.  Memories  432pts
I have a lot of them, just ask me.  I could tell you about the time I met Scottie Pippen or the time I hung out with a professional wrestler.

#11.  Nude Beaches 447pts
Nude beaches slipped to #11 this week because it is December although a couple days this year would've been good for visiting a nude beach.  Some doubt that Nude Beaches deserves to be in the Power Rankings because most of the time it is a sausage fest and those sausages at the party aren't looking for a bun but they are looking to be placed alongside another sausage.  OK my euphemisms for gay sex are lacking.

#10.  Sexual euphemisms 469pts
They make sex easier to talk about.  Why say "inserting the penis into the vagina" when you can say "Cannonball the fiddle cove with the pork steeple"?  Hahaha...69!

#9.  The Economy -3000pts
The economy slipped to #9 because of its poor performance against the world, investors, credit, and Purdue.  The economy is sick and fucking tired of losing to fucking Purdue.

#8.  Brent Bielema 
The University of Wisconsin football coach stunned everyone this week by announcing that he was quitting to take the head coaching position at the University of Arkansas.  It's fitting since he grew up on a pig farm and now he's going to coach a team that has a pig for a mascot.  He will forever be known in these parts as the "Poon Hammer" for his dalliances with the UW co-eds.

#7.  Xanga  500pts
You actually stood up for harassment.  Now if we could just get rid of the pop-ups or whatever people are complaining about.  AND FIX XANGA AUDIO!

#6.  President Barack Obama 502pts
What list isn't this guy on?

#5.  Mixed drinks 542pts
I have somewhat given up drinking but it hasn't stopped me from trying to come up with the next great cocktail and giving my experiments to my neighbors or friends

#4.  Wine 545pts
Even though I've somewhat given up on drinking, I'm still making wine.  I have a new batch ready to bottle and I'm currently in the works to make 60 gallons of a new kind of wine.  I hear it's good for the heart so since the doctors are baffled by my condition then I'll drink wine in hopes that it'll help me live a few extra months.

#3.  Girls 690pts
They baffle me.

#2.  Xanga friends 945,765pts
Thank you for all you've done for me over the years.  It's really helped.  Thank you for reading all my random crap.  Thank you for putting up with my pointless nonsense.  Has it really been 2726 days since I joined?

#1.  Princess Kate's Unborn Baby  1,000,000pts
OMG OMG OMG OMG PRINCESS KATE ISPREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THIS IS GOING TO HAVE SUCH A HUGE IMPACT ON MYLIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’M THANKFUL THAT THE U.S. NEWS OUTLETS ARE GIVING THISMIRACULOUS EVENT SUCH THOROUGH COVERAGE!

I’m all for the freedom of speech but someone ought to do something about the word “nom”.  Get on that shit, Obama!  If you don’t ban it by the end of your second term it will be all for naught.

I bought some extra sensitive tooth paste because I’ve been having some painful reactions to cold things. It started crying when I put it in my medicine cabinet and it saw that I had other toothpastes.

I really hate Christmas music because most of the time it’s just the same song sung by 50 different people. Every once in a while you get an original song but it sucks.  I also hate Christmas movies because 99% of the time it’s always about a single guy and a single girl who meet under odd circumstances and then they are happy and everything’s going good and then trouble arises and their relationship comes to a halt and then something brings them together and they’re happy and then end up living happily ever after.  Wait a second, I just described almost every Lifetime movie.  The only difference is a Christmas movie is set at Christmas. I’ve seen Christmas movies and Thanksgiving movies and Halloween movies with that same formula.  I suppose we could also make one for Flag Day.

I got a strange email from a celebrity who appreciated my sense of humor.  David Copperfield loves my celebrity round up.  He loved it so much he invited me to his new mansion for a housewarming party last weekend.  He took me on a tour and it got pretty sad because with every room he showed me he said, “This is where the magic happens.”

Everyone asks that existential question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a noise?”  Forget that. If there weren’t such things as wildcats or tigers, would high school football exist?

One of my neighbors is an aspiring cartoonist.  He recently presented me with an opportunity to invest in his cartooning business.  I don’t know if I should because this guy is sort of sketchy.

Pick-up lines guaranteed to fail: “Those leggings sure do accentuate the contours of your vagina.” “You’re dirtier than my browser’s history.”  “You’re just like a snowflake: beautiful,unique, and with one touch from me you’ll be wet.”  “Do you play Pokemon because I want to throw my balls at you?”  “Your boobs would look good in my hands.”

You know all those internet and text sayings kids use?  Well they’re Satanic.  LOL = Lucifer our Lord, YOLO = Youth Obeying Lucifer’s Orders, SWAG = Satan’s Wishes are Guaranteed, ROFL = Rise, Our Father Lucifer, BRB = Beelzebub Rules Below, WTF= Worship the Fallen.

Do vegans scold animals for eating other animals and lecture them on the dangers of eating meat?

I wish I had Willy Wonka’s whistle so I could have a group of orange little people with green hair come fix all my problems.  I wonder if there are female Oompa Loompas.

Christmas is so close I can smell the mistletoe I’m not going to be kissed underneath.

I’m surprised that Mountain Dew and Pepsi hasn’t given Lana Del Rey a sponsorship contract but then maybe Pepsi doesn’t want to be associated with the taste of her vagina.

I was going to make some Mayan apocalypse jokes but it seems like everyone out there is making them like there’s no tomorrow so I’ll abstain.

And if you look closely, you’ll notice that everyone who has predicted the end of the world has been wrong so far.

But if the Mayans are right, I’ll meet the love of my life on December 20^th.

The best way to describe teaching kindergarten is by comparing it to being the only sober person in a group of stoners and drunks.

I wish it was hot outside so I could force people to love me.

I was reading about food fetishes and how in some first world countries “sploshing” is very popular. I’m hoping there is a sub-fetish involving food that pasta and I hope it’s called fetshini alfredo.

If a guy masturbates while smoking marijuana do they call it “weed whacking”?

I find it ironic that tonight I’m watching TV and one the History Channel I see American Pickers and they are glorifying hoarding and then I flip to the next channel and A&E is airing Hoarders and they are demonizing hoarding.  I wish my TV would make up it’s mind.

I am the Picasso of loneliness.

One of my ex-girlfriends referred to her nipples as the eyes of her boobs.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was cross-eyed.

Do you know where I can return ten lords-a-leaping without a gift receipt?

Dear Santa, all I wanted for Christmas last year was a girl with low self-esteem and questionable tattoos that I can mock on my blog.  You didn’t deliver.  Screw you. I hope you contracted salmonella from the raw chicken in the sushi I left out for you.

A recent study revealed that the best example of American greed can be found on the day after Christmas when people are out looking for more stuff after spending the previous day receiving free stuff.

Have you ever spent your Christmas in a bathroom drinking because everyone is “concerned” with your drinking habits?  Why is it that whenever someone is monitoring your drinking habits, you want to get shit-faced even more?

When I was in high school my school spirit was vodka.

Did you enjoy the new air guitar I got you for Christmas?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation or some lame shit I say weekly:

Friends are like snowflakes, if you piss on them, they’ll disappear.

There is one day every year that “Christmas” is searched more than “porn” on Google.  Oddly, that day is August 7^th.

Guys, if you find a girl drinking whiskey with no mixer, put a ring on her finger or take her to the nearest IHOP, you know which ever is easier for you.

I always feel low when I’m in the drivethru at McDonald’s.  The only time I feel more depressed is when I’m singing to my CD player that’s playing Alanis Morrissette while I’m sitting in the parking lot of Kmart eating food bought at a drivethru.

I think I’m responsible for HBO canceling “Hung”.  I went to pitch my own TV show and I don’t know why it happened but during my presentation I dropped my pants.

I went out Christmas shopping and mistook a strip club for a strip mall.  Long story short, I blew all my money and my family received coasters, swizzle sticks, and napkins for presents.

I had good news and bad news when I woke up this morning.  The bad news was there was gum stuck in my chest hair.  The good news was it wasn’t my gum.

I let my cats try some Greek yogurt.  They no longer run around the house saying“meow”.  They’re running around screaming “Opa!”

I had to return some tools to the Home Depot.  The manager gave me my cash back as well as a lovely plaid skirt.

I’d rather kiss girls underneath the cameltoe.

People often use the expression “hung like a horse”.  I have always wondered if that applies tome.  Do My Little Ponies count?

Try explaining you believe in free love to an angry pimp.

Every time I see a car with a Packer flag, reindeer antlers,or Christmas wreath, I believe that the economy has gotten that much better.

I don’t think MTV will be satisfied until they have a show about babies having babies.

I always thought I’d do pretty good in the event of a zombie apocalypse but then I remembered how close I had to sit to the TV in order to play Duck Hunt.

PRINCESS KATE IS PREGNANT! OMG!  OMG!  OMG! This is going to have such a huge effect on my life!

I tried watching Glee again and I learned something.  No matter your gender, race, sexual orientation, or creed, anyone can get together and make a steaming pile of shit.  Glee fucking sucks!

My Secret Santa recipient is going to be delighted to find out that I coated their desk with Axe Body Spray.

If I ever have kids and they ask how I met their mother it sure as hell won’t take me ten years to tell them.  “She was stripping at Cruisin’ Chubby's and I paid for a lap dance and I was only wearing sweatpants and you went through my pants.”  And by the way I include the hyperlink in my speech because it's the future and you can do shit like that.

I’m amazed how young Cindy Crawford’s mole has remained over the years.

My parents called me a douche.  My sunglasses fell off the back of my head but thankfully they landed on my popped collar.

Choosy moms choose Jif. Unchoosy moms choose me.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’ll never amount to anything in life.  Look at me, I’m a fatass slacker who writes jokes on Xanga. LIVING THE DREAM!

I’m getting to the age where if I see a cute profile pic on Xanga I dream about what she’ll cook me for supper one day.

A new study found that Xanga doesn’t ruin relationships; people do.  Xanga’s just an accelerant.

My Xanga crush is adorable. They finally admitted that I’m mentally unstable and have issues with the number structure of my pronouns.

What if spammers and bots on Xanga were actually aliens from another planet and they haven’t mastered the English language yet?

One of the reasons Twitter is better than Xanga is because you can’t spell “Twitter” without “wit” or “tit”.  If you can’t appeal to my mind you should aim for appealing to my eyes.

Sometimes you need to step back, take a deep breath, log off Xanga, and realize there’s more to life than arguing about racism, foreskins,politics, telling your kids about Santa, and oral sex.

The longer I’m on Xanga, the more hypocritical it becomes when I’ll have to teach my children not to talk to strangers.

New Xanga team welcome message on first posts: Welcome toXanga.  Feel free to attack and judge.  Don’t forget to keep it catty and ignorant.

If only eprops could pay the bills but then I’d probably still not have enough to cover everything.

If I ever went to a Xanga meet-up it would become obvious within seconds that I’m more awkward than Augie Farks.

I still can’t believe there is a certain group of people that hate on a few people who haven’t been active here in months and steal their photos off other websites.  You have no lives…wait, it’s one guy operating multiple accounts…you have no life.

In the future it won’t matter which clothes you wear or what car you drive.  There will be no social stigmata with material goods.  Your social standing will be based on how many friends or followers you have online and how much drama you cause on Xanga.

Well, class, I read your last assignment and was pleased that you answered the one question properly even though I told you to do it the wrong way.  Everyone gets an A+

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  

B. 
 

C. 
 

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.  You may have to enlarge A to see all the options clearly.

Now get to work.

A.  I had to look it up but...I ran naked with Michael Jackson because I have perfect abs.  Don't judge, it's hot for December here and I am sweating.

B.  I didn't find any money.  I just posed that as a hypothetical.  Sorry if you were expecting a grandiose question.

C.  This one is hard to decide because my grandfather usually had a crewcut and I don't think I could do one of those but then there are older people that call me by his nickname, Teddy.  Well...I may go with Teddy since then maybe it will get someone with low self-esteem to cuddle with me.

Because the Badgers are going to the Rose Bowl.  That was a pretty fun game to watch.  I just don't know what they couldn't have played like that the rest of the season.  Anyway it's time for #caturday

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  Please comment over on my Celebrity Round-Up if you haven't done so already. 

Pain, it seems like that is all I know.  I did get my hair cut this evening.  I think I took off about two inches.  I feel so much lighter.  I guess that's it.  Time of the round up.

Sources close to Snooki say she may call off her wedding at any time.  Great!  Now what am I supposed to do with the EdgeCraft 610 Chef's Choice Premium Electric Food Slicer that I got her for her wedding present?  People are saying that Snooki is desperate to remain famous and rich and worries that if she won't marry her fiance then she won't get her million dollar payday.  People say the reason she has grown so angry with Jionni is because he won't lift a finger with their baby but he's only doing that because Snooki won't do anything.  So I guess their child is being raised by wolves or nannies.  This is disgusting.  Using babies and weddings in a reality show as props is shameless and I can't believe the Kardashians haven't filed a copyright infringement lawsuit by now.

Richard Simmons was on his way to breakfast when he posed for photographers.  I guess that's normal breakfast attire.  I usually wear shorts that are a little longer.  Oh and all the butterflies, now you know what Mariah Carey sees when she orgasms.

Speaking of Mariah Carey, she looks pretty good.  It's also Mariah's favorite time of the year because it's about the only time that her music gets played on the radio.

After all the accusations of child molestation and child pornography, R Kelly admitted to something very heavy this week but not to any of those charges.  He announced that he was illiterate. He claims the only reason he made it through school was because he was good at basketball.  I find that so hard to believe but then I remember Kevin Garnett and one of the main factors why he went to the NBA right after high school was because he scored so low on his SATs.  I have been watching his Trapped in the Closet shows on IFC and it's amazing to know a guy who can't read came up with all of that.  I was going to openly mock R Kelly but I won't, he's had a rough life and even if I did I shouldn't feel bad since he wouldn't be able to read it.

Miley Cyrus turned 20 this week.  I find that hard to believe.  It seems like all she's done in the past years she should be like 50.  A report also surfaced this week that Miley has been working on a pre-nup with her future husband Liam Hemsworth.  She wants to protect her $130million fortune but more importantly she wants to protect all her dogs.  Yes, the main purpose of the pre-nup is for Miley to keep custody of all her dogs if the marriage breaks down.  I guess the hillbilly needs her coon hounds for when she heads back to hills so she can tree herself some coons or another husband.

Apparently 3.5million people watched Lindsay Lohan's movie Liz & Dick and one of those people didn't watch it for a drinking game.  I would've rather watched a Youtube video of my own leg being amputated than watching that mess.  However her dad, Michael Lohan, had this to say on Twitter: "They know nothing about @lindsaylohan talent! She has more talent in her pinky then all of them together.  You proved the critics wrong @LindsayLohan you are one of the best, so gifted, so amazing! Now apply it ALL! God bless you! And our family!"  Immediately after this tweet, Michael Lohan texted Lindsay to see if he could borrow $50. He also said he hated to ask, but the check cashing place in his laundromat isn't open on Sundays.  Lindsay Lohan was arrested Thursday morning for a punching a woman in the face inside Avenue nightclub in New York.  Here's the arrest video.  early reports were circulating that Lindsay was at a Justin Bieber concert to see a boy band called The Wanted because she was trying to sink her hooks into a guy named Max.  Lindsay met up with Max at a bar and she got drunk and he wasn't impressed with Lindsay so he talked to another woman which enraged Lindsay so she beat that ho.  Jesus, this bitch is exhausting. Here's an idea: Stay your ass at home. Every time Lindsay comes within 100 yards of a club, nothing good happens. I don't know the science or tech behind it, but somebody should put an invisible fence around every club in NYC and LA then design a collar that looks like a diamond necklace so Lindsay can steal it.  As of now the story has changed.  The woman who Lindsay punched is named Tiffany Mitchell.  She is supposedly a prominent palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida.  I should've known that Florida and psychics were bound to be in this story.  Tiffany said she spotted Lindsay at the club and had a premonition.  I bet the premonition was that Tiffany was going to get a lot of free advertising and media coverage.  Tiffany asked Lindsay if she could give her a free reading but Lindsay asked to give her her space.  As they walked away Tiffany's friend heard Lindsay call them "fucking gypsies".  Tiffany's friend called Lindsay a whore and said Liz&Dick sucked.  They can't arrest her for stating the truth.  Lindsay went crazy and started punching Tiffany.  Tiffany's husband who wasn't there claims that "Gypsy" is a racist slur.  He went on to say: "We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion...it was a racist comment. Just because your career went down the drain and your new movie sucks, you can't go around beating people up."  This is normally the part of the story where I post the statement from Lindsay Lohan's publicist, except Lindsay traded her last week for an 8-ball of coke and a fifth of Jack. I swear, she has the worst timing.  So why is Lindsay acting so rough and tough?  It's vodka's fault.  People close to her say that she is so stressed by all her financial difficulties that she's taken to drinking and is consuming two liters of vodka a day.  I know I was somewhat of a heavy drinker back in college and by that I mean I had a high alcohol tolerance.  I wasn't drinking to drunkenness like Lindsay does every day.  I figure if I drank two liters of vodka I'd be puking.  Does vodka contain vitamins?  I don't see how that can be beneficial to anyone.  It won't be long before most of her internal organs raise a white flag and/or the entire vodka industry tells us that there's a vodka shortage.

While shooting up together in his trailer on the set of Scary Movie 5, Charlie Sheen bonded with Lindsay Lohan and I hope by "bonded" that's all it means.  TMZ says she told Charlie all of her problems including her problems with the IRS, which is that she owes $234,000 for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010.  Since Charlie considers himself Captain Fix-a-Ho he offered to pay off her debt but Lindsay refused.  I think Lindsay Lohan refusing money is a sign that the world will end in December.  However this week, Charlie sent a check to Lindsay's business manager for $100,000 and Lindsay used it to pay off half her tax debt.  You'd think that with all crack smoke in his brain, Charlie would've forgotten Lindsay's problems.  Lindsay is supposedly set to earn $2million this year and I doubt she'll send a single cent of that to the IRS when she has Charlie Sheen paying her debts for her.  I bet there were strings attached and now every time Charlie comes a calling Lindsay has to dust off her knee pads.  It's not the worse thing she's done for money.  See I Know Who Killed Me.

Larry Hagman, best known for his role as J.R. Ewing, passed away this week at the age of 81 due to complications from cancer.  He was surrounded by family and friend when he died and two of the people that were near him sort of surprised me, Patrick Duffy and Linday Grey, his brother and wife on the show Dallas.  He was also on I Dream of Jeanie but I think most will remember him as J.R. Ewing.  That character is iconic and the "Who Shot J.R." episode may be one of the best shows in TV history or at least it kept people guessing the most.  This Sunday, the Southfork Ranch in Dallas will open it's doors to the public for mourning and tours of the ranch where they shot Dallas.  I actually enjoyed the reboot TNT did but now I wonder how they will close out the character.  He had somewhat of an important part in the show.

Things aren't looking sunny for Sesame Street.  More accusers are stepping forward with lawsuits against the voice and puppeteer of Elmo, Kevin Clash.  His first accuser was Sheldon Stephens and he settled out of court for an estimated $125,000.  The second accuser, Cecil Singleton(his myspace), has sued for $5million.  He claims that he met Clash on a gay phone chat line in 2003 when he was 15 and Clash was 32.  He claims that Kevin took him out to fancy dinners, gave him money, and had sex.  Cecil also claims he wasn't the only boy Kevin was stringing along from these chat lines and that he had a group of boys he regularly saw.  A third accuser has filed an anonymous lawsuit and in it claims he met Clash when he was 16 in the year 2000.  They carried on a relationship for 3 years.  He didn't realize who Clash was until he saw photos of Elmo and Elmo dolls and Clash with celebrities all over his apartment.  This accuser is also writing a book detailing their relationship and in what his lawyer released at a press conference said that Clash would get the accuser drunk and then take advantage of him.  It's really creepy that this guy worked on a kids show.  Just imagine in a few months all the special episodes they'll have on Sesame Street.

Kelly Monaco has a sex tape.  It was taped 20 years ago.  You'll never get to see it because her boyfriend at the time won't release it because he's some sort of gentleman or something weak like that.  She was 19 at the time and it was right before she launched her career through the pages of Playboy.  The guy, Mike Gonzalez, told Star Magazine: "Making the video was a mutual decision, and we filmed it at my house. She's never mentioned it, and I still have it ... If I was a bad person, it would have already been released in the last couple of years, and I would have made a mint. But I'd never do that to her."  Translation: Mike Gonzalez is in need of money and will release a sex tape unless he gets paid off.  He should've released this during the Clinton administration but then it might not have sold because it would've been just another Baywatch babe sex tape and those are like a dime a dozen.  I was at a flea market/antique store and I found the Pam Anderson sex tape in a bin and the guy said it was only 50 cents. 

Speaking of sex tapes, Emma Stone has a sex tape but her boyfriend at the time is trying to release it.  The tape was filmed when she was younger and when she didn't think she'd become famous.  If this sex tape is on an actual bed with white sheets, we probably won't be able to see anything, but I'd probably watch this.  When was the last time a decent looking celebrity's sex tape has seen the light of day? Whatever happened to the Leighton Meester tape? Would love to see Emma Stone, but instead I get to beat off to Hulk Hog...ugh...nevermind.

Kaley Cuoco turned 27 this week.  Yep, that's it.  OH OK, I have a theory for her in which I'd give her the big bang.  God I am so lame.  It's no wonder I'm alone.

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have been married for a month now so I guess it's high time the divorce rumors start that will plague their marriage for the next ten years.  People say they are having tension in the marriage because she wants him to dump his party lifestyle and ditch all his friends and their exotic golf outings and clubbing.  She can't stand his friends and now that they are married his friends seem to be crashing their house even more.  Justin also added tension by saying he's not ready to have children for another 2 years.  He better watch out because Jessica Biel was on Conan O'Brien this week and had this to say about Barbie dolls: "They didn't really stick around very long.  I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They'd light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open!  Back then I don't think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble.  I still have the heads. They still go on my Christmas tree every year at home."  So basically she is crazy and when chicks are that crazy that translates into one thing: they're cool with butt stuff.  Look it up.  It's on WebMD.  But as for the kids, partying, golfing, and friends, you'd think they'd hammer that out BEFORE they got married.  But then I'm an old-fashioned guy.  Justin is a tool for having his tool friends be more important to him than his wife.  I'd never do that to you, Jessica.  If my friends would come over I'd put them on a party bus in downtown Tel Aviv bought at Al Qaeda used cars and let the magic happen. 

A shot from a movie starring Sofia Vergara called Fading Gigolo was released this week.  It's a movie written and directed by John Turturro.  In the movie Sofia is a bisexual and has a relationship with Sharon Stone.  Sharon Stone would've been nice a few years ago but not now.  It's sort of like going to a restaurant and ordering the most delicious meal on the menu but when it comes to your table instead of letting you eat the meal they punch you in the face.

I've seen this photo floating around the internet and thought it was a joke but someone explained to me that it was Justin Bieber meeting the Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper.  I didn't realize the significance either.  Justin was there to receive the Diamond Jubilee Medal which is given to Canadians who "who have made a significant contribution to a particular province, territory, region or community within Canada, or an achievement abroad that brings credit to Canada."  I guess Chad Kroger, Avril Lavigne, Carly Rae Jespen, and Rich Little were busy.  That is what he wore to receive that major recognition.  He looks like Spanky from Little Rascals mixed in with a little bit of The Boondocks.  There is nothing worse than a cocky toddler in overalls and a backward baseball hat.  Justin's mom must've been washing his diapers.  I know this kid is trying to wear the fashion from the 90s but why is he wearing the WORST of the 90s?  Poor Prime Minister Harper!  He looks so confused at Justin's SWAG.  It's like he's trying to figure out who this female farmer is.

SPOILER ALERT!  STOP READING IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE DARK KNIGHT RISES!  OK, don't say I didn't warn you.  At the end of The Dark Knight Rises we learn that Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character John Blake's real name is Robin and we see him enter the Bat Cave.  So does that make him Robin or the new Batman?  I was confused and this week I got confuseder when it was announced that Gordon-Levitt would be playing Batman in a Justice League movie.  The film will be released in 2015 and supposedly the next relaunch of the Superman movie Man of Steel will be tied in to the Justice League movie.  Drew McWeeny over at Hitfix says that Gordon-Levitt will be a lock for the Justice League movie and will take up the mantle of Batman in more Christopher Nolan directed Batman movies.  I'm somewhat OK with this but my big question is about who will play Wonder Woman.  *puts on nerd hat* Wonder Woman is an Amazonian warrior princess *takes off nerd hat* so if they cast Zooey Deschanel or Kristin Stewart I might burn this country down.  So who would you cast as Wonder Woman?

Joe Jackson, father of The Jackson Family, suffered a stroke early this morning.  There is no word on his condition other than that he's still alive and still being treated.  From all the TV movies I've seen about the Jacksons, this guy was a major asshole who beat his children and had an afro for most of his life.  I guess they won't have me write his obituary if he dies.

According to inside sources, Jessica Simpson is pregnant once again and they weren't planning it.  How does a married couple not plan on having a child?  Do they stop having sex?  Do they quit using birth control and hope for the best?  Was she forcibly impregnated?  Did she slip and fall unfertilized egg first into some semen? Last time I checked, there was only one way to get pregnant. Unless cookie dough has a dick, I'm gonna take a wild stab and say this was planned. Unlike her meals for the week.  I just don't get it....hahaha...like sex.  And because portion control and diet are lame, Jessica found a way out of her Weight Watchers contract and all she had to do was lie with her legs open.  It's also good news for Eric Johnson because he just won another 18 years of not working and we also win because we get to hear Jessica talk about how awesome pregnancy sex is.

Jenny McCarthy staged this photoshoot of her working out this week.  I got confused and thought that maybe this was an anti-vaccination press conference or Jenny showing how she has sex with trees.

Even though she's basically a C-Lister now, Jennifer Lopez still acts like she's an A+ star.  You'd think after being on American Idol it would've knocked her down a peg but according to a flight attendant, JLO is still an insufferable cunt.  A flight attendant had this to say about her asking for a drink on a flight: "I just said, 'What can I get you to drink?' But Jennifer refused to even acknowledge me. She turned her head away and told her personal assistant, 'Please tell him I'd like a Diet Coke and lime.  She wouldn't even look at me. It was sad, she seems so sweet in her movies."  An inside source added: "She doesn't speak to salespeople, restaurant or hotel staff – or flight attendants.  She only talks through her assistants."  "Jennifer Lopez was a huge bitch to me and everyone in the room" stories have been around since Jennifer Lopez. So if you read a story about Lopez rescuing a homeless man from a burning a building or asking a doorman about his grandchildren, just expect the next story to be about her exorcism because she's obviously possessed by some sort of demon.

This week so many photos from the set of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire were released.  I've seen so many of those photos that I'm convinced I've seen the entire movie.  Anyway here's some photos of Jennifer Lawrence doing her own stuntwork on the set of this movie.

The Amish are coming!  The Amish are coming!  Wait a second.  She's showing off too much skin to be Amish.  I guess Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were just celebrating Thanksgiving by dressing up as rich Pilgrim hipsters.

NBC is going to do a live broadcast of a remake of The Sound of Music.  This week it was announced that Carrie Underwood would play Maria von Trapp.  The NBC version will be based on the Broadway play and not the movie.  I hope they countrify the whole thing and cast Billy Ray Cyrus as Count von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior, the Duggar children as the von Trapp children or the Nazi army, Kenny Chesney as Rolf, and Clay Aiken as Elsa.

In case you were wondering about the new Star Wars movie, Carrie Fisher told someone at a book signing that she was already cast.  A website called TheForce.net had this story from a guy named Curt: "I was at Carrie Fishers booksigning in Cherry Hill, NJ on November 15, and the interview she did started with the question 'Are you really going to be in a new star wars movie?' and Carrie answered quietly 'Yes....I thought it was already common knowledge.' She did not elaborate, as she probably doesn't want to crow too loudly at this point in the project development. But this is the first confirmation from one of the main OT Cast. LFL has not said the cast would return yet."  There's also no word from Disney so who knows if she was having a hallucination or she was just fucking with Star Wars nerds.  If she is telling the truth it makes sense since the movie will probably take place 45 years in the future and maybe by that time Tattooine will have an Applebee's that Princess Leia can manage since her home planet was blown up.

Comedy writer Bruce Vilanch turned 64 this week.  God...it's like looking in a mirror...well not since I got my haircut.  Still interested, ladies?  That's right, I knew you never were to begin with.

Bill Nye the Science Guy turned 57 this week but he's still an awkward teenage boy at heart.

Chad Kroger of Nickelback said he is really impressed with Avril Lavigne's talent and that working with her is "like taking a bazooka to a knife fight!"  He told BANG Showbiz: "It's easier to write for somebody who has got a vocal range like she's got. It's ridiculous how high she can go. She just opens up her throat and it goes higher and higher - and it's amazing, it's like taking a bazooka to a knife fight!"  Working with Avril is like bringing a bazooka to a knife fight, assuming of course that the bazooka shoots poser douchebaggery and calls it music. Good God, even using the phrase "bazooka to a knife fight" makes me cringe with embarrassment. Chad and Avril's soft rock horseshit are so similarly bland that they really are meant for each other. If we all got together and crowned them "Super Rock Couple of the Century," can we go ahead and deport them back to Canada or Afghanistan or wherever the hell we won't hear from them again? Anywhere except America is fine with me.  And if Chad Kroger is amazed by her ability, how much does he suck?

Will we one day call Ashley Judd, "Senator Judd"?  Probably not but let's play along with her to make her think she's more important than she actually is.  Members of the Democratic party of Kentucky are toying with the idea of having Ashley run for Senate against Mitch McConnell in 2014.  This will be considered quite an undertaking since Kentucky is a reliable red state.  Ashley was helpful for Democratic parties especially in neighboring Tennessee.  Ashley said this at a women's political forum: "I do receive a lot of encouragement to run ... and my sincere desire is to be useful. I want to serve ... and I may be doing that to the best of my capacity ... in the space I'm already operating in. Or, it may be time to look at possibly running for office."  Great, just what the Senate needs, another uniformed dope.  Nothing against her but isn't there anything better to do in her Hollywood retirement than to sink this country into further depression? Her views fall in line with every other Hollywood douchebag wannabe politician which means higher gas prices and less freedom.  I just want to drive an old school Hummer out into the forest and hunt endangered species.

A month after dumping Connor Kennedy, Taylor Swift is now dating 18 year old Harry Styles of the boy band One Direction. And now The Sun says that not only is she dating him, but she wants to buy a house near him in the Primrose Hill section of London so she can be closer to him.  Talk about clingy...sheesh.   Of course, while dating Conor Kennedy, Taylor bought a house right next to the Kennedy Compound in Hyannis Port for $5 million, so this isn't the first time she bought a house to be near someone she was infatuated with. I just hope she doesn't start dating some guy from Compton or Detroit, or super-white girl is so screwed.  I wonder if Harry Styles even knows they're dating because Taylor seems like the type of girl that would tell you that you're in a relationship with her or would tell all her friends that she's dating you and you have no clue.  The house she buys will double in value just because her name is attached to it so as clingy as she is she's also a real estate genius.  She's also receiving death threats from One Direction fans out there and to send death threats over a guy you're not dating you have to be really out there.  She has received multiple tweets along the lines of "I'll murder Taylor Swift. She will not date my Harry."  How many proms does this girl want to go to?  Why does she have a thing for guys who are not legally able to drink?  I'm not Dr. Phil or anything but shouldn't a girl be going after a guy who knows what to do with a vagina?  If nothing else, it'll keep her from making anymore albums about sleepovers and wine coolers or whatever the hell.

For the past 10 seasons, Angus T. Jones has played the half in Two and a Half Men and he's the highest paid child actor in America and regularly and happily cashes his $350,000 pay check for each episode of his work.  But back in October Angus made a video for a Christian church in which he urged people to not watch the show that made him a millionaire.  He said this in the video: "Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character. If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. The fact that it's entertainment, it's... Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It's bad news. I don't know if it means anymore coming from me, but you might not have heard it otherwise. Just watch it. A lot of people don't want to think about how deceptive the enemy is."  He went on to talk about a lot of other things regarding God and Christianity and basically says how God has a plan for him being on Two and a Half Men.  Maybe it will lead to a Trinity Broadcasting Network show called Two and a Half Christians starring him, Kirk Cameron, and Stephen Baldwin.  Even though God hates Two and a Half Men he apparently loves money and honoring contracts more.  Even though Angus hates the show and the $8million he earns per season, he apologized for his comments: "I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours. While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear. Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked over the past ten years and who have become an extension of my family. Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them. I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.  I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that."  Translation: "Being on Two and a Half Men has eaten away at my Christian beliefs and I'll have to do a lot of penance and give a lot of money to my church to be made right but God wants me to be a semi-famous millionaire right now."  In all my years of being Christian I've always struggled with people who say "God talks to me".  I've never heard anyone talking to me.  Maybe I'm not a true Christian.  Guess all those years studying the Bible were for naught but if I'm not a true Christian who hears God talking then I can be on a show like Two and a Half Men but if I was on the cast they might have to call it Four and a Half Men.  I anticipate Angus will be removed and Patton Oswalt will be cast and will become the half and the show will be all short jokes.

Courtney Stodden celebrated Thanksgiving by getting naked and covering herself with a cardboard turkey.  I can tell you one thing I'm not thankful for and that's cardboard turkeys.

I hope everyone has a pain-free weekend.