The Midwest has been experiencing some weird weather for the past week.  Last week we experienced subzero highs with windchills in the -20F range.  Then it warmed up and snowed.  Then it warmed up even more and all the snow melted and we had flood warnings.  Then on Sunday we got hit with an ice storm and then it switched over to snow and then it warmed up and switched back over to ice.  It was like a snow sandwich.  It was extremely difficult to shovel.  Most schools in my area were closed on Monday.  Then it warmed up and boy did it warm up.  Tuesday we had highs in the 50s.  That's so weird because just a week earlier it was like -5 for a high.  Well the "heat" caused melting and more ice and fog.  This was no ordinary fog, it was freezing fog.  Most schools in my area were delayed or closed once again.  Then last night it snowed and the snowstorm was thundersnow.  We got 7 or 8 inches.  Schools were closed today.  The temperatures are dropping and currently it's 13 and it's going to continue dropping.  Friday they are forecasting a high of 5.  Who knows, maybe a hurricane will descend upon us from the Mississippi.  I wouldn't say it's impossible given the roller coaster weather we've been experiencing.  Anyway I decided I'd share these powerpoint presentations about Wisconsin that I found on Tumblr.

The one about Germany is interesting because the building that looks like the German building is a restaurant in my area and I believe one Xangan has admitted to eating there.







Don Gorske



I did a vlog a while back featuring the interesting names of Wisconsin towns.

I've been feeling like that for some time now.

OK time for me to quit acting like a little bitch.

Time to tell the world what I feel.  Have a great night...except you and you know who you are.

If you followed me because you thought I was funny and expect me to be consistently funny, have I got some bad news for you, pal.

Sometimes I question Dr. Pepper’s commitment to the health and well-being of society.  I don’t think he took the Hippocratic Oath.

You know how a group of cats is called a clowder?  Well a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance.  I’m glad that whoever came up with these names got it right.

Everything I needed to learn about life, I learned from watching both “Red Dawn” movies.

I have a very sexually active imagination for such asexually inactive body.

Lindsay Lohan said that Jennifer Lawrence disrespected Meryl Streep.  Yes, Lindsay, and a local entrepreneur named Slim Jimmy Chaiz Dawg says you disrespected him for using your teeth and taking the last 8 ball.

You know, after all these years of getting complimented by Walmart cashiers and greeter ladies, I finally realized that a “beefcake” sort of sounds disgusting.  Unless you count a meatloaf as a beef cake then I’ll take the compliments.

None of you should ever talk to me because there’s like a 95% chance that I will take this as a sign it’s OK to fall madly in love with you and ask for photos of your boobs and leave creepy messages on your phone while you sleep and buy you sex toys…and then I will.

“Lennay Kekua” is the name of my new fake band.

The saying “money can’t buy you happiness” is pure and utter bullshit because you need money to buy pizza.

Skrillex will be a DJ at my wedding but not my first wedding because that would be sort of trashy. I’m thinking he’d be perfect for my 6^th wedding.  By the 6^th wedding everyone will be sick of my bullshit so I have to make the most of it.  Either that or I could get DJ Tit Slapper.

I wish people in my life would be as loyal to me as people are loyal to Apple products.  No matter how crappy I am they always come back for more.

I can’t afford anti-depressants so I drink a lot of No More Tears shampoo.

I’m sick of everyone saying this is the first time two brothers coached in the Super Bowl. Everyone must have forgot Tony Dungy versus Lovie Smith.

There was one time when I was confronted by a gang as I was walking down the street.  I did a dance routine from West Side Story thinking that they’d dance against me.  Long story short, I had a ruptured spleen, concussion, and 6 broken ribs.

I wonder how long it will take for kids to start using Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong bracelets to mean they are looking for or selling drugs.

I am also in the process of making a new yellow bracelet and calling it Liestrong.  I expect they will sell like hotcakes or anabolic steroids.

I haven’t heard much about Pussy Riot but I still want to form a band that’s in the same vein.  I’m thinking it would be called Cock Civil Disobedience.

Nothing says, “You’re an asshole,” like “You’re an asshole.”

American Idol used to be a singing competition but now it seems like it’s a soap opera about a singing competition.  I think Swamp People may be my new favorite show because it combines all the best elements of American Idol and The Voice with none of the singing or critique and there’s 100% more gator killing.

If I kissed someone right about now I’d fear I’d bite off their tongue because it’s been so long.

Whenever people talk about fighting childhood obesity, I picture a boxing ring filled with fat kids and Mike Tyson donning the boxing gloves and going to town.

I love how I am classified as a man by certain women simply because I drive Chevy vehicles.

When I was a teenager my dad would get so pissed at me when I’d sit in my room and blast Tupac and Dr. Dre but that’s only because he supported the east coast in the hip-hop rivalry.

I saw a TV show about rich men looking for love.  I wish I was rich.  I think the only women I could attract right now are homeless.

People often say that the best way to attract a girl is a sense of humor.  Yeah, you try being a fat guy and telling a joke to a girl when there’s a shirtless guy with a six pack abs playing guitar.

I tell kids that it does make a difference who they are when they wish upon a star since most stars are Republicans.

I was happy to know there were so few racists on my faceboo kfriends list by all the people who posted things about Dr. King.  I also thought it was strange that to celebrate his legacy, the NBA had games all day.  I also did my laundry and thanks to Dr. King I had whites and colors in the same load. And I’m pretty sure he was looking down on us today and all he could think about was how awesome Michelle Obama’s bangs were.

The blood pressure machine at this Walgreen’s is free but I think it’s defective.  I think I’d be dead if my blood pressure really was 900/560.

I can’t wait for Zero Dark Thirty to be released on DVD.  I hear in the director’s cut there’s a scene where the CIA has kittens lick detainees faces to get information.

My exgirlfriend from grade school that lived 3 towns over and I are really upset about this Manti T’eo hoax.

I’m pretty much one nervous breakdown away from posting Oscar Wilde quotes on my Facebook page.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I went to the Antiques Roadshow and all the appraisers refused to look at my Garbage Pail Kids cards.

I’m surprised Pepsi has not made a drink called Pepsi Hero so the slogan could be: “Ditch the Coke Zero and get with the Pepsi Hero”.

I’ve eaten so much meat in my life that I can taste a hamburger and tell if the cow had ever been tipped.

I hope this erection never goes away…knock on wood.

It’s so cold outside that I had to plug my nose and mouth and blow real hard so that my penis and testicles will pop back out.

I sometimes eat bottles of lube just to wet my appetite.

Everything happens for a reason is a common thought that runs through my mind especially when someone catches me pleasuring myself to reruns of According to Jim.

The next time you’re feeling good about yourself, draw an ampersand from memory.

I once held the Guinness world record for prettiest smile from 2005 to 2012.  I’ll see you in hell, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy.

They say you shouldn’t cry over spilled milk.  Mountain Dew…now that’s another story.

I’m not embarrassed that my mom is on Facebook.  I’m just embarrassed that she posts photos of her getting blackout drunk.

I can honestly say that I would never be shocked if I discovered Andy Dick sleeping in my trash can.

For the life of me, I could not think of the word for“canker sore” today for like an hour. I swear, it was on the tip of my tongue the whole time.

Can you believe how embarrassed I was when I wore yoga pants to my pilates class?

I decided to donate some blood.  I had to answer a lot of questions for the screening.  I now realize my life is pretty boring.

If I had a dollar for every time I pooped my pants I’d be very confused because who in their right mind would pay someone for doing that.

I am an egalitarian. I only eat eagles.

I don’t like making mountains out of molehills but there’s a lot of extra dirt leftover from these molehills and I always wanted to have my own BMX course in my backyard.

Whenever someone asks me what time it is, I instinctively get naked.  My instincts have yet to fail me.

If made properly, potato skins represent every single food group.

I think it would be wise to declassify my sexiness as an assault weapon.

Have you ever been so broke that you went to Denny’s everyday for meals and pretend it’s your birthday?

Did you know there was a Xanga account that was run by Manti T’eo’s fake girlfriend?  She unfriended me so now I know how Manti felt.

I’ve been conducting a study for the past year and I’ve come to this conclusion; Xanga is a suck hole of time.

You aren’t popular on Xanga until someone sends you a photo of their genitals or bare breasts.

I’ve been thinking of changing my Xanga crush but I probably shouldn’t because all these monogrammed towels were quite expensive.  We’ve never met and I love your posts and seeing your comments.  I think your profile pic is sexy.  I think we should get married.

I think I’m going to start using the phrase, “He’s got a Xanga-grade reading level,” during parent/teacher conferences.  I guess that could be a good thing especially if their child is seeking a job in dramatic plays.

Trolls use Xanga to bully and harass others.  Then they go back to their real lives where they are bullied and harassed by others.

Every time I find out someone has unfriended me or blocked me on Xanga, I have a funeral for them. The funeral is usually when I sit on my toilet so the burial is at sea so the person can be with their own kind.

Spoiler alert: the demon in the Paranormal Activity films is actually Xanga Team and we won’t be able to get rid of them until we all download Xanga onto a smartphone.

Xanga has ruined my sense of humor.

Why pay for a therapist when I can vent my problems on Xanga?  Sometimes I think some of you follow me just to laugh at me.

I don’t care what you do or how you do it but once you put something out on Xanga don’t complain if there are people out there that don’t like it or disagree with you.  Believe it or not there are people out there that have different opinions than you.

I judge people based on what they recommend on Xanga.  If they recommend their own comments I’m pretty sure they have high forms of vanity or lack a feeling of belonging.

You know how earlier I mentioned the clowder and flamboyance?  Well I hear the scientific name for a group of assholes is a Xanga or a godfather.

I’m going to sign off with something I heard Rachel Maddow say: “The other ball is for everybody else.”

Class, I graded your last assignment.  Everyone is doing extremely well with these assignments and it makes my heart skip a beat or maybe that's just all the trans fat.  Anyway, with the extra credit and because I'm in a good mood, everyone gets an A+

Now here's your next assignment.

A.
  

B. 
  

C. 
  
   Why or why not?  Cite examples.

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely including my extra question underneath C.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

I read your last assignment and once again enjoyed all your answers.  It truly is amazing what people are giving away on Craigslist.  It's also amazing what Maury asks his viewers.  @peridot21 asked if I was grading on the curve.  I don't know if I should because to me that's communism but I suppose this one time I could so...everyone gets an A-.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  

B.
  

C.
  

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.

Now get to work.

A.  Youth, Roe, Love  well I hope that I could feel young again and fall in love but I'm not too sure about fish eggs.

B.  I think I'd like to hang with Joe Biden because this newspaper called The Onion really talks about him and none of the other news outlets report the stuff The Onion says he does.  I don't remember him drinking beer during the vice presidential debate but if they reported it then it must've happened.  I also would've loved to have seen him jump the motorcycle over the Vietnam memorial.  I'd probably also like to help him wash his Trans-Am in the White House driveway.

C.  I think there's a fine line between what you share.  Like if I told you I had a great day today because I had some extra relaxation that would be fine but if I said I had a great day today because I had an erection and this was odd because one of my medicines I've been taking has caused me to become Mr. Softee and I decided not to waste it and my orgasm was so intense from my furious masturbation session that I feel asleep before I could clean up that might be considered too much.  However some might think that's just fine to share that information.  It's almost on a case by case basis.

We were clad in just our birthday suits
You pulled on your black leather boots
“On your knees!” you commanded.
“Eat me now!” you demanded.
I guess this is how you treat new recruits

You have such a beautiful ass, if-
I am near it I can’t be passive
I will spring into action
And give you deep satisfaction
But heed my warning, my penis is massive

Makes the world go 'round
It's emotion in motion
Sex is exercise

There is one more book
It's not written by Adams
It sucks sweaty dong

Your unmatched success is astounding
The acclaim for your dates is resounding
But from all that I’ve learned
One thing has me concerned
Your pussy must take one hell of a pounding

That site worries me
It's so fun and addictive
Where I go to troll

Kids are idiots
Not everyone is that way
But a huge number

It’s too bad I’m hung like a mouse
I heard it all the time from my spouse
But you make me feel so manly
And since you treat me so grandly
I’ll buy you a house

That's Shakespeare in Love
Not a fan of that movie
Because of Paltrow

I watch pro-wrestling
How can women love this fact
Will think I am gay

You genuinely love your profession
Certainly you give me that impression
You get hundreds of bucks
For all the dicks that you suck
Growing rich in a recession

Have I become sick?
Black clouds hover overhead
Oh snap, it is on

I’m amazed how completely you know me
You are aware that I love when you blow me
I could not be more thrilled
When your sweet mouth I’ve filled
But please don’t feel obligated to show me

The things I would do
For some love right about now
Would make Steve O cringe

Here is your haiku
Eating people, robbing banks
That's the life for me

You take me in your mouth all the way
I just want to stay there the entire day
The feeling is exquisite
Each time that I visit
I so enjoy the time we get to play

thank you very much
Too dumb to be poetic
That's why I'm funny

your lips are so close
i can smell how they would taste
just lean in closer

The apartment walls seem very thin.
And we often raise up quite a din.
“Oh, no, we’re not banging.
It’s a picture we’re hanging.”
We lie to the neighbors and grin.

Be happy, be kind
Because others will see you
And judge your actions

I tried to think of baseball
It didn’t help me at all
I came as soon as you took off my pants

Oh Rick Santorum
I feel like he's just trolling
He can not be true

My mind's with the trees
with the fresh air and the seas
Must go somewhere new

My sharp wit has lost some of its keenness.
My deportment now shows hints of meanness.
What I’m certain I need
With all possible speed
Is the touch of your hand on my penis.

Have you ever had a dream about a Xangan whom you've never met? Oops I probably should've saved that for Monday.  Anyway it's #caturday

My cats love sniffing beer.  They won't drink it but whenever I have a beer they come running and will sniff the bottle or can when I'm not drinking it.

I hope everyone is having/had a great weekend.

So I'm finally getting around to taking down Christmas decorations.  I am so lazy or more like exhausted as of late.  I think it's S.A.D. but it's been unseasonably warm.  Sigh...it's something alright.  Time for links.

1.  It's getting to be Valentine's season.  I can't go to any store without seeing those cutesy heart things.  Well I always had heard that the Valentine's heart represented the buttocks of a woman.  Well according this it may mean more.  It's a list of 6 famous symbols that don't mean what we think they mean.

2.  I have to admit, I enjoy bad movies.  I get sick enjoyment in mocking these movies.  Well here is a list of 10 bad movies that define "bad movies".  I've only seen two of those and I own one.

3.  Wikipedia has a lot of great lists.  Here's a list of lists of tv shows set in certain cities.  Even though it isn't listed I'm always surprised how many TV shows have been set in Wisconsin.

4.  Usually when you watch Saturday Night Live the worst part of the show is the final ten minutes.  This is when they do the bizarre sketches that are just used for time killers.  Well some of them have been incredibly funny yet bizarre.  Here are 19 of the best.

5.  Here is a list of 2012's biggest box office flops.  It's interesting that #1 from this list also appears in the #2 entry of this post.

6.  I have five pieces of taxidermy in my house and currently I am in the same room with all five pieces.  I think my taxidermy pieces are quite nice but here is a list of 20 of the worst pieces of taxidermy.

7.  I think I shared this before but it's worth another share.  It's called Mean Girls of Capitol Hill.

8.  The Sundance Film Festival began yesterday.  Here are 15 anticipated films from this year's festival.

9.  Normally I mock The New Yorker and its illustrated laughing squares but then I found this article about the history of the United States according to conservatives.  I get sort of upset when people say that they'd like to go back to a different period in America because it was so much better.  Shit sucked back then too so just nut up and go about living.

10.  Here's a fun guessing game...Kim Kardashian or Octomom.

11.  I found a support forum for men who have suffered from wedgies.

12.  Here's another fun game.  It's called PongScroll.  You use the scroll bar on the side of the screen to play Pong.

And now it's tattoo time:

1 ha ha ha 2 ha ha ha 3 ha ha ha 4 ha ha ha  I see 4 questionable tattoos.

It's been a while since I let someone into my heart but I imagine if I did some dude would also enter it bone my girlfriend.

Chief Whiskers is not pleased with the treaty.  He wants more dangly things and scratching posts.

I think this chief is looking sad because he's going to be a tattoo forever on this guy.

Is she running with a cookie sheet or a frying pan?

How much you want a bet that when Kanye and Kim Kardashian have their baby it will look like this in the first photo?

I bet that tattoo gets all the ladies.

I can't remember why I posted this one other than the tiger looks like he's taking too much enjoyment from the girl sleeping on him.

Why so serious?

Oh yeah that is a perfect match

Human Centipede with bunnies is so adorable and makes a lot of sense.

My brain can't math.  I bet that is hilarious once it's solved.  I bet the answer is 69.

Skol Vikings...I think we found @kachino 's tattoo.

Good thing the NHL came back otherwise this guy would be a fool.

I pretty much have always speculated about their relationship but I think this tattoo confirms it.

Have a great night.

I think I'm back for another week.

25.  Death  23pts
It gets us all in the end.

24.  Records 34pts
Kids will never understand or appreciate how awesome vinyl is.

23.  Friday Night Lights 42pts
Can anyone find a TV show that is more complete than Friday Night Lights?

22.  Dubstep/Wheel of Fortune 102pts
Cockbag while listening to Dubstep?  I have no clue what that puzzle could be.  Seriously though dubstep sort of gets to me.  I like it in doses but a lot of time I think it's only good for sex...EUREKA!  Now I got the puzzle.  Not clever at all.  But I think most of the time the creation of dubstep went like "Hey you got razorblades on my chalkboard" "No, you got your chalkboard on my razorblades"  And Wheel of Fortune...did anyone catch the Johnny Cash puzzle recently?

21.  The X-Games 143pts
I am so stoked for this year's X-Games.  I'm particularly excited for the new event: Outrun the Axe.

20.  Crazy Uncle Joe Biden 200pts
He is truly a wet dream for The Onion and I hope I'm the wind beneath his crazy wings.

19.  Culver's  235pts
Can you find me a better fast food restaurant?  I don't think so.  Have a Butter Burger and some frozen custard and you will agree with me.

18.  Punk rock 269pts
When I was in college I really got into punk.  There's just something so energetic about the music.  I also love a lot of the bands that have political messages behind their songs.  This does not mean I enjoy the regurgitated crap they play on MTV.  I don't consider that punk.  It's something like Pop Rocks Rock.  It's a little gritty with a little more energy than the normal MTV fare.

17. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 300pts
I really love that show and it should be obvious by now.  I think my humor is starting to shift because of that show.  So often I find myself being just like Frank.  Yes, I love drinking in my backyard in the afternoon with my shirt hanging open.

16.  Quarters Infomercial 350pts
This guy is screaming at me to buy state quarters because now they are offering the America the Beautiful series.  And they were only made for 10 weeks.  Holy shit!  I better buy them now!

15.  Pos-T-Vac 353pts
I changed the channel because I was getting tired of the guy screaming at me to buy quarters.  Now I'm listening to men talk about erectile dysfunction and how getting a vacuum pump for their dude pistons saved their sex life. 

14.  Masturbation 369pts
Do I need a Pos-T-Vac for that?  It really is the tops.

13.  Shadows 400pts
Keeping men honest since forever.

12.  Marijuana 420pts
If it wasn't for weed this world would be such a dark place.  And by dark place I mean I probably would be able to see since I totally would only use marijuana for medical purposes.

11.  President Obama 421pts
Change ain't looking for friends.  Change calls the tune we dance to.  (guess the reference)

10.  Clay Matthews 520pts
Sundays without the Green Bay Packers really are like macaroni without cheese.

9.  Rotary Phones 635pts
I saw a post on Tumblr where a person said there was nothing greater in life than flipping shut a flip phone dramatically after having an argument with someone on the other end.  They obviously don't know the power of rotary phones.

8.  Digital Cable  680pts
Screw you analog tv!

7.  Charles Bukowski 7000pts
Yeah, pretty much the best.

6.  Maury Povich 8567pts
He continues to give us great television in this time of crisis.

5.  Memories  99,999pts
I have a lot of them, just ask me.  I could tell you about the time my first high school closed and was bought by the state of Wisconsin and converted into a prison.  The second high school I attended didn’t have their first dance until my first year there.  They had more chaperones than students.  One of the main opponents of the dance was a pastor who said that dancing would lead to fornication and this lead to the joke “Why don’t Lutherans have sex standing up?  It may lead to dancing.”  Anyway the campus pastor was going around the dance floor saying “leave room for the Holy Spirit.”  Oh and just for more backwardness, they didn’t allow students to wear blue jeans until the year before I got there.  Blue jeans too could have lead students to fornication.

4.  Dignity 287,345pts
Do you even know what it looks like?  Another chance to guess a reference.

3.  Weather 397,652pts
If it wasn't for weather, what would we complain about?

2.  American Horror Story: Asylum 432,100pts
There's one episode left and I'm hoping this year they tie up all the stories and tonight I think they did a good job setting it all up.  This season is so much better than last season.  Everyone is talking about clues set in last night's episode about the location and theme of next season.  I had some thoughts but I think they are far out but not as far out as some I've heard.  I saw one that equated the inmates playing Candy Land to witches therefore the next season would be about the Salem with trials.  I also heard one that the next season would be the last season of Dexter.  Don't ask what that's supposed to mean.  I had three thoughts from a previous episode but could only remember one now.  Pepper talking about freak shows and that got me thinking of the movie "Freaks" by Tod Browning so I was hoping the next season would be set in a circus because those things are scary.  Oh and I just remembered another.  I figured since there was a song and dance number that maybe it would set in a Vegas nightclub or maybe since Ryan Murphy also gave us Glee that the next season would be a more adult version of Glee.  Then last night another thing I noticed was that one of the characters surnames was "Crump".  I was trying to remember where I had heard that name before and then it hit me.  The Andy Griffith Show!  Andy's girlfriend on that show for the majority of the show was named Helen Crump.  So I think this must mean that the third season of American Horror Story will take place in Mayberry and we'll learn the reason why Andy never carried a gun and why crime was virtually non-existent...spoiler alert...it may have something to do with all the stuff that Otis was drinking.

1.  @aloysius_son @spinner_mom  500,000pts
They got last week's trivia reference correct and therefore got the number one spot.  Mr. Son gave me the name of the movie which was Idiocracy and Ms. Mom gave the character's name which is Frito Pendejo.  And that's how it's done.

Have a great night.

I plan on leaving up my Christmas tree until after Valentine’s Day as a way to symbolize my love life being dead and withered.

The only applaud I get is when I wake up.  My penis usually gives me a standing ovation.

I think they coined the phrase “No shit Sherlock” because he suffered from constipation.

Sometimes I shower with the water so hot that I fear one day I’ll turn it off and look in the mirror and I’ll be Harvey Dent aka Two Face.

I’m working on another New Year’s Resolution.  I resolve to quit procrastinating.  I figure I’ll start working on it come October.

What’s the point of having social networks if I can’t liveblog my thoughts on T.J. Hooker?

If I had to choose between ending world hunger or ending websites and business constantly reminding you that they have an app, I’d end the greater evil and a lot of people would starve.

I went to use my waffle maker and found that someone had broke it.  I’m going to film a documentary about finding the responsible party.  It’s just a shame that the film title “There Will Be Blood” was already taken.

Instagram is for people who want to know what you’re eating for dinner but can’t read.

I never had a tree house as a child because all our trees were homeless.

My girlfriend is a dick tease.  She’s always teasing me because mine is small.

I bought a four pack of condoms today or as I like to call it “a lifetime supply of condoms”.

My right arm is much strong than my left arm, but it’s not because I masturbate a lot, it’s because I started lifting weights with my right arm, so I could masturbate better. For me, it’s quality over quantity.

I don’t wash my hands after I urinate and I don’t wash my hands after I masturbate.  I can’t spend my whole life washing my hands.

When it comes to sex, I’m just like the Energizer Bunny, I’m no longer relevant.

Try saying, “Cunnilingus” five times fast. Cunnilingus,Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus. Talk about a tongue twister!

I auditioned for So You Think You Can Dance.  I hired a choreographer to help me make it but they didn’t let me on the show.  I was so upset.  My choreographer apologized but I’m pretty sure he was just going through the motions.

I would never say being impotent isn’t easy but being impotent certainly isn’t hard.

I hope this erection never goes away.  Knock on wood.

As a kid, I always wanted to be a super hero, so on Sundays I would secretly dress up and assist a priest during church services. It was my altar-ego.

I always put an apostrophe and an “s” at the end of my girlfriend’s name, because she’s so possessive.

I’m making a belt out of old watches but recently I felt like it’s a real waist of time.

Once your spirit is crushed, you’ll find it’s much easier to snort.

All the musicians of the world met for a secret meeting this past weekend to agree to a pact that they won’t make any more music so that Glee will run out of music to bastardize.

My parents never had “The Talk” with me which is why I send my nude photos to strangers on the internet.

A recent study found that 83% of 15 year old children in the United States were conceived while “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band was playing.

Maury should totally do more out of control teens shows.  Instead of having teens that drink, do drugs, and have sex, he should have teens who are addicted to the computer.  “I’m a Level 90 Paladin and I don’t care, it’s my character and I do what I want.”

A recent study found that 7 out of 5 Americans suck at math.

I think you and I need to kiss to break the tension.  Put your lips on your monitor and I can guarantee my lips will be on the other side. Go on do it.  HAHAHAHA…you don’t want to know what you just kissed.

A recent study conducted by the world’s top scientists found that the funnier a guy is, the larger penis he has.  So I think there should be a law we believe scientists but then I’m not funny so do what you want.

My mom asked if I wanted her to knit me anything.  How do I tell her I want a jock strap?

Today I heard someone say, “There’s a dead mouse in the Snapple machine.”  I didn’t know if they were saying that there was a mouse in the Snapple machine or if they were talking about another pop punk MTV forced down your throats band.

How do I become attractive to at least one member of the opposite sex?  I bet it would involve acid to the eyes.

I gave up working out in 2013 because the only muscle tha tmatters to girls is one I can’t make bigger.

I expect that some day there’ll be a song called “Don’t Look at Grandpa’s iPad”.

I can relate to Lance Armstrong except for the whole bike riding thing.

I heard that the McDonald’s McRib contains some of the same ingredients as a yoga mat.  Since when did McDonald’s use my ball sweat to make sandwiches?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I’m pretty sure that if we start arming people in schools there’ll be a reality show called “Armed Janitors: Cleaning Up Crime Amongst Other Things”.  It will probably air on TRU-TV.

It’s interesting how much my house plant and I have in common.  We’re both living on vodka and rotting in front of the tv and neither of are getting laid any time soon.

When people say you have an infectious smile, does that mean they can see your herpes sores?

Why does my neighborhood have a neighborhood watch?  I think having a large neighborhood clock would be a wiser decision.

My girlfriend from high school has three children.  It looks like I dodged a bullet there which is good because her husband was assassinated.

If I’m ever involved in a flash mob or plan a flash mob, I give you permission to punch me in the face.

I only buy Oreos that have an expiration date that is the next day so I have an excuse to eat the whole package.

I’m slowly learning I may have a learning delay.

When I die I want a lot of ragtime jazz played at my funeral not because I like ragtime jazz but I just want to confuse the hell out of allthe funeral goers.

I found a Ricky Martin CD while cleaning out my closet.  Talk about irony.

Did you ever notice in the world of Mickey Mouse how Pluto and Goofy were both dogs but Goofy talked and wore clothes and walked like all the other characters and Pluto just kind of drooled, made noise, and moved around?  What was wrong with Pluto if he is a dog just like Goofy?  I sometimes get the feeling that Pluto was mentally challenged and that sick sadistic bastard Mickey kept him as a pet.

My city wasn’t built on rock and roll.  It was built on beer and hatred for non-Germans.

“Admit it; there is at least one Taylor Swift song that describes your life perfectly.”  William Shakespeare, Hamlet

“I think I’ve said enough already.” –no woman…EVER

Sundays without the Packers is like macaroni without cheese.

When I was in college the school’s firewall blocked so many porn sites.  The only one we could access was entirely in Spanish.  I tried to take Spanish classes because it’s amazing how far you will go to satisfy your desires.

Never trust a woman that can lick her own adam’s apple no matter what…NO MATTER WHAT!

I love going to monster truck rallies to pick up women.  It’s highly erotic watching female monster truck fans eating corndogs and turkey legs plus where else can I use my pick-up line, “Hey, I got a Big Foot in my pants”?

Guys, never compliment a girl.  It will remind them that they can do better than you.

I’m pretty sure a meteorologist is a guy who went to college to learn how to guess.

I wish I could build a time machine, go back to 1985, and watch Back to the Future.  Or maybe I’ll just buy a DVD.

New motto for Xanga audio: “There’s got to be a better way.”

You know Xanga’s not an A+ community when you hesitate posting your own thoughts on your own personal blog.

I have 99 problems and I could probably take care of 98 ofthem if I got off Xanga.

Sometimes Xanga makes me feel like I really need to go to church.

Xanga is much like porn. It’s much better when people stop talking.

Some of you are way too attractive to be arguing on Xanga.  Leave that shit for the Elephant Men of the world…me.

I use Xanga to show people I don’t need to be married or have children to be unhappy.

I think everyone on Xanga would get along better if we all shared a common enemy.  FUCK THE AMISH!  Yeah, that feels so much better,doesn’t it, Xanga?

I used to be pro-life but then I got a Xanga account and started following people.

The amount of single, hot people on Xanga makes me think that I am not single because I am ugly.

Every day I wake up, I’m happy to be alive.  Then I come on Xanga and realize how horrible I am because I’m a white, straight, male.

Why is Xanga the only website where people talk about how long they’ve been using it?  I’ve never heard someone say, “Well I’ve been using Myspace since 2003” or “I’ve been on Facebook since 2006.”  I can’t even remember when I started Xanga.

The first person to recommend this post will have one of their posts recommended by me.  Hopefully the post involves nude photos.

Class, I read your previous assignment and was pleased.  I appreciated all your answers and wrote my own.  You get an A.  Now shake off the cobwebs and get ready for a new semester of assignments.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  
Why would you do this?

B.
  

C.
  
Why or why not?  Don't call Maury, answer in the comment box below.

Make sure you answer two questions clearly and concisely.  Answering all three questions gets you extra credit.  Also make sure you answer my extra questions underneath the photos.

Now get to work.

A.  I would become a porn mogul because porn is the ultimate indicator if our economy is floundering.

B.  4 Tires P215/65R17  I will win the zombie apocalypse

C.  I'm always on the fence with this one.  I would say "yes" if one partner has a higher sex drive than the other.  I would say "no" because in a way it is cheating.  I'd love to just watch the porn with my significant other but I'm sure that would be awkward.