I’ve heard of hate-sex but is there such a thing as hate-masturbation?  Screw it, I’ll just go down this pint of Ben & Jerry’s then go find out.

It’s funny how everyone is making lists of things they accomplished in 2012 and here I am proud that I actually showered before sundown.

I don’t know but this fifth bottle of champagne is turning the slippery slope of sadness into the slip and slide of indifference.

I’m really indecisive…I think.

A kid was sick today at school and his mother came in to pick up homework assignments.  After I handed her what the teacher left, she said, “God there’s a lot of ugly people in this school.  Teachers and students alike.”  That made my 2013.

I wonder what horrible and annoying song will be forced upon us 24/7 in 2013.

I think the reason why I’m single is because I’ve never spent the weekend at a ski resort and sung karaoke with a complete stranger and while we are singing the duet we fall madly in lust and then she gets pregnant after 15 seconds of passion and we then spend the rest of our lives together miserably.

Anyone who is short on cash and in the United Kingdom just take photos of your money because they say the camera adds ten pounds.  God…a currency joke.

I am hoping that I turn ridiculously handsome in 2013.  So far it hasn’t happened but I have a few more days.

I was hearing these kids talk about being bilingual.  One said you can’t be bilingual and that you’re either homolingual or heterolingual and if you call yourself bilingual you’re just confused and going through a phase and that one day you’ll meet one language and settle down so you have to stop being an attention whore now.

I don't get it, everyone is talking about it but "Django And Change" isn't playing anywhere in this town.

I’ve had the idea to start writing erotic sports fiction under the pen name Joe Thighsman or Arnuts Palmher or Dick Buttkiss.

This year I resolve to make everyone happy by wearing pants more often.

This year I also resolve to suck the life out of everything I touch because who needs to be good at things?

I feel the best about myself when I’m composing operas.

Does anyone else find it weird that pirates went from island to island looking for buried treasure when the true treasure was right in front of them in all the wonderful friendships they made aboard the boats?

Good news for Washington D.C. tanning salons, John Boehner was re-elected as speaker of the House.

I think I’m human dubstep. At first everyone loves me and then over time they realize how annoying I am and then they leave me for the human equivalent of rap music.  But it really does freak me out when people realize I’m nothing special.

I wish I could be a rapper because then I could get paid to talk about sex and whine about minor inconveniences and then diss people I don’t like.

As I’m watching the Packers game I realize there are far too many commercials for erectile dysfunction. If this keeps up we’re only a year or two away from a salute to boner pills Super Bowl halftime show.

Congress officially tallied the electoral votes this week.  Karl Rove was seen banging a calculator on a table in the back of the House floor.

If I ever have to poop in public and someone enters the stall next to me, I like to yell out “spoiler alert” to let them know that I would appreciate them warning me about anything that may happen.

I would never smoke marinara.

I always wanted to be a tattoo artist just so I could tattoo random Chinese characters on unsuspecting people.

How come we have Doritos tacos but we don’t have Cheetos macaroni and cheese?

Old joke is old: What do Pablo Picasso and Smurfette have in common?  They both had blue periods.

Pick-up lines destined for failure: “You better have a driver’s license because you’re driving me crazy.”  “There may be plenty of fish in the sea but you’re the only one I’d like to catch and mount back at my place.”  “I’m a trisexual in that I’ll try to have sex with you.”  “How about I slip into something more comfortable like you?”

There was a guy in my high school class named Matt.  Actually there were five of us named Matt and it was hard to keep us apart.  We had one guy we called Laundry Matt.  He really enjoyed washing his clothes at home because both of his parents were killed at a Laundromat.

If pigs taste like bacon then imagine how good attractive people will taste.

They say Latin is a dead language which is probably why no one wants to have sex with it except a few weirdos.

I was arrested pleasuring myself at a theater much like Pee Wee Herman except mine was at a screening of Lincoln.

My girlfriend always has a fresh vagina because I am such a douche.

If mixing up common homonyms is wrong, eye don’t want two bee write.

Just once before I die I would like to see someone trip on a banana peel, or have sex with a woman without having to pay her. Either one is good.

Old habits die hard and so do people who overdose on Cialis.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

If I could afford a pacemaker, I would buy one in a heartbeat, which unfortunately for me, isn’t nearly as fast as it should be.

When I told her that I was DTF, I meant that I was Down To Father her children. However, I will not be having sex with anyone. Test tube babies only!

I have a severe peanut allergy. I am so allergic to peanuts,that if I so much as even catch a glimpse of Charlie Brown, my entire throat swells up.

We live in a world of instant gratification, so why do ladies act so surprised when I prematurely ejaculate?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”  Dog trying to justify cannibalism.

Fact of the week: the sound effects used in porn are taped.  They use recordings of old men eating oatmeal.

Some people say I come off as arrogant but I say they are lucky to hear the sound of my voice and read everything I write.

My dad asked, “Were you cripplingly depressed over the holiday season?”  I told him I was and he answered, “Well just think, Valentine’s and Presidents’ Day is next month and you’re still alone.”

If evolution was real shouldn’t we have evolved to make our tears chocolate syrup by now?

What does it mean if you don’t have a fortune in your fortune cookie?  I think I’m going to die before I get hungry again so in a half hour.

Going to a diner and eating a whole pie is a lot cheaper than therapy.

Kids find it annoying when I hold milk cartons up to their faces to compare.

They don’t call me “Black Mamba” for nothing.  In fact, they don’t call me “Black Mamba” at all.

“I’m going bananas.” -What I tell my bananas when I leave the house.  I always forget to pronounce the comma.

I feel odd when I bring my Never Kink brand hose into the bedroom.

Why does my grocery store call all their banana sales “Ladies Night”?

I don’t ask for much but I wouldn’t mind having everything.

Do people in third world countries understand the phrase, “Bite off more than you can chew”?

They say ketchup makes everything better.  It’s a lie because I dumped a bottle on a Vikings jersey and they still suck.

I don’t remember much of last night but I know it must have been good because I woke up wearing a lobster bib.

Rex Ryan has a tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez jersey which is like Bill Clinton having a tattoo of Hillary in a semen stained blue dress

Most relationships end in break up. Moral: Stay inside.  Alone. Online. Talking to people thousands of miles away that you'll never meet.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

People trolling on Xanga should do something productive with their lives like walking off the side of a bridge.

When I was a kid I used to think that I was a human and everyone else was a robot.  That’s what I think of Xanga sometimes.

Someone said Xanga is a waste of time.  Yes, because meeting awesome people, making new friends, and laughing are horrible things.

Xanga makes me sexually attracted to other people’s brains.

Never ask why you’re on Xanga.  Only communists ask questions, you understand, comrade?

Some people see my Xanga as a collection of awkward jokes.  Others say my Xanga is an extension of my awkward personality.  In other words, I’m all awkward, baby.

8 words will win any argument on Xanga: “I know you are, but what am I?”

I enjoy Xanga because I can post something about being in a relationship with a shoebox and no one will judge me because you already think I’m insane.

Xanga is pretty cool because no matter what you choose to blog about there is going to be someone out there that hates you with a mad intensity.

I think I’m about to go HAM as everyone seems to be saying these days.  That means Home and Masturbate.