If you followed me because you thought I was funny and expect me to be consistently funny, have I got some bad news for you, pal.

Sometimes I question Dr. Pepper’s commitment to the health and well-being of society.  I don’t think he took the Hippocratic Oath.

You know how a group of cats is called a clowder?  Well a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance.  I’m glad that whoever came up with these names got it right.

Everything I needed to learn about life, I learned from watching both “Red Dawn” movies.

I have a very sexually active imagination for such asexually inactive body.

Lindsay Lohan said that Jennifer Lawrence disrespected Meryl Streep.  Yes, Lindsay, and a local entrepreneur named Slim Jimmy Chaiz Dawg says you disrespected him for using your teeth and taking the last 8 ball.

You know, after all these years of getting complimented by Walmart cashiers and greeter ladies, I finally realized that a “beefcake” sort of sounds disgusting.  Unless you count a meatloaf as a beef cake then I’ll take the compliments.

None of you should ever talk to me because there’s like a 95% chance that I will take this as a sign it’s OK to fall madly in love with you and ask for photos of your boobs and leave creepy messages on your phone while you sleep and buy you sex toys…and then I will.

“Lennay Kekua” is the name of my new fake band.

The saying “money can’t buy you happiness” is pure and utter bullshit because you need money to buy pizza.

Skrillex will be a DJ at my wedding but not my first wedding because that would be sort of trashy. I’m thinking he’d be perfect for my 6^th wedding.  By the 6^th wedding everyone will be sick of my bullshit so I have to make the most of it.  Either that or I could get DJ Tit Slapper.

I wish people in my life would be as loyal to me as people are loyal to Apple products.  No matter how crappy I am they always come back for more.

I can’t afford anti-depressants so I drink a lot of No More Tears shampoo.

I’m sick of everyone saying this is the first time two brothers coached in the Super Bowl. Everyone must have forgot Tony Dungy versus Lovie Smith.

There was one time when I was confronted by a gang as I was walking down the street.  I did a dance routine from West Side Story thinking that they’d dance against me.  Long story short, I had a ruptured spleen, concussion, and 6 broken ribs.

I wonder how long it will take for kids to start using Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong bracelets to mean they are looking for or selling drugs.

I am also in the process of making a new yellow bracelet and calling it Liestrong.  I expect they will sell like hotcakes or anabolic steroids.

I haven’t heard much about Pussy Riot but I still want to form a band that’s in the same vein.  I’m thinking it would be called Cock Civil Disobedience.

Nothing says, “You’re an asshole,” like “You’re an asshole.”

American Idol used to be a singing competition but now it seems like it’s a soap opera about a singing competition.  I think Swamp People may be my new favorite show because it combines all the best elements of American Idol and The Voice with none of the singing or critique and there’s 100% more gator killing.

If I kissed someone right about now I’d fear I’d bite off their tongue because it’s been so long.

Whenever people talk about fighting childhood obesity, I picture a boxing ring filled with fat kids and Mike Tyson donning the boxing gloves and going to town.

I love how I am classified as a man by certain women simply because I drive Chevy vehicles.

When I was a teenager my dad would get so pissed at me when I’d sit in my room and blast Tupac and Dr. Dre but that’s only because he supported the east coast in the hip-hop rivalry.

I saw a TV show about rich men looking for love.  I wish I was rich.  I think the only women I could attract right now are homeless.

People often say that the best way to attract a girl is a sense of humor.  Yeah, you try being a fat guy and telling a joke to a girl when there’s a shirtless guy with a six pack abs playing guitar.

I tell kids that it does make a difference who they are when they wish upon a star since most stars are Republicans.

I was happy to know there were so few racists on my faceboo kfriends list by all the people who posted things about Dr. King.  I also thought it was strange that to celebrate his legacy, the NBA had games all day.  I also did my laundry and thanks to Dr. King I had whites and colors in the same load. And I’m pretty sure he was looking down on us today and all he could think about was how awesome Michelle Obama’s bangs were.

The blood pressure machine at this Walgreen’s is free but I think it’s defective.  I think I’d be dead if my blood pressure really was 900/560.

I can’t wait for Zero Dark Thirty to be released on DVD.  I hear in the director’s cut there’s a scene where the CIA has kittens lick detainees faces to get information.

My exgirlfriend from grade school that lived 3 towns over and I are really upset about this Manti T’eo hoax.

I’m pretty much one nervous breakdown away from posting Oscar Wilde quotes on my Facebook page.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I went to the Antiques Roadshow and all the appraisers refused to look at my Garbage Pail Kids cards.

I’m surprised Pepsi has not made a drink called Pepsi Hero so the slogan could be: “Ditch the Coke Zero and get with the Pepsi Hero”.

I’ve eaten so much meat in my life that I can taste a hamburger and tell if the cow had ever been tipped.

I hope this erection never goes away…knock on wood.

It’s so cold outside that I had to plug my nose and mouth and blow real hard so that my penis and testicles will pop back out.

I sometimes eat bottles of lube just to wet my appetite.

Everything happens for a reason is a common thought that runs through my mind especially when someone catches me pleasuring myself to reruns of According to Jim.

The next time you’re feeling good about yourself, draw an ampersand from memory.

I once held the Guinness world record for prettiest smile from 2005 to 2012.  I’ll see you in hell, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy.

They say you shouldn’t cry over spilled milk.  Mountain Dew…now that’s another story.

I’m not embarrassed that my mom is on Facebook.  I’m just embarrassed that she posts photos of her getting blackout drunk.

I can honestly say that I would never be shocked if I discovered Andy Dick sleeping in my trash can.

For the life of me, I could not think of the word for“canker sore” today for like an hour. I swear, it was on the tip of my tongue the whole time.

Can you believe how embarrassed I was when I wore yoga pants to my pilates class?

I decided to donate some blood.  I had to answer a lot of questions for the screening.  I now realize my life is pretty boring.

If I had a dollar for every time I pooped my pants I’d be very confused because who in their right mind would pay someone for doing that.

I am an egalitarian. I only eat eagles.

I don’t like making mountains out of molehills but there’s a lot of extra dirt leftover from these molehills and I always wanted to have my own BMX course in my backyard.

Whenever someone asks me what time it is, I instinctively get naked.  My instincts have yet to fail me.

If made properly, potato skins represent every single food group.

I think it would be wise to declassify my sexiness as an assault weapon.

Have you ever been so broke that you went to Denny’s everyday for meals and pretend it’s your birthday?

Did you know there was a Xanga account that was run by Manti T’eo’s fake girlfriend?  She unfriended me so now I know how Manti felt.

I’ve been conducting a study for the past year and I’ve come to this conclusion; Xanga is a suck hole of time.

You aren’t popular on Xanga until someone sends you a photo of their genitals or bare breasts.

I’ve been thinking of changing my Xanga crush but I probably shouldn’t because all these monogrammed towels were quite expensive.  We’ve never met and I love your posts and seeing your comments.  I think your profile pic is sexy.  I think we should get married.

I think I’m going to start using the phrase, “He’s got a Xanga-grade reading level,” during parent/teacher conferences.  I guess that could be a good thing especially if their child is seeking a job in dramatic plays.

Trolls use Xanga to bully and harass others.  Then they go back to their real lives where they are bullied and harassed by others.

Every time I find out someone has unfriended me or blocked me on Xanga, I have a funeral for them. The funeral is usually when I sit on my toilet so the burial is at sea so the person can be with their own kind.

Spoiler alert: the demon in the Paranormal Activity films is actually Xanga Team and we won’t be able to get rid of them until we all download Xanga onto a smartphone.

Xanga has ruined my sense of humor.

Why pay for a therapist when I can vent my problems on Xanga?  Sometimes I think some of you follow me just to laugh at me.

I don’t care what you do or how you do it but once you put something out on Xanga don’t complain if there are people out there that don’t like it or disagree with you.  Believe it or not there are people out there that have different opinions than you.

I judge people based on what they recommend on Xanga.  If they recommend their own comments I’m pretty sure they have high forms of vanity or lack a feeling of belonging.

You know how earlier I mentioned the clowder and flamboyance?  Well I hear the scientific name for a group of assholes is a Xanga or a godfather.

I’m going to sign off with something I heard Rachel Maddow say: “The other ball is for everybody else.”