I thought I’d share some haikus and limericks with you.  Remember I am very alone.

We had hours of great sex, we must stop.
We’re both spent; you’re lying on top.
After just a short breather,
What peeks out from beneath her?
It seems I’d like to have one more pop.

Black light engulfs day
The moon bleaches the darkness
I sip on some scotch

Banana crotch shot
Bus full of weird Eskimos
Cucumber wizard

In a 69 she’d bestride him
A great oral delight to provide him
He enjoyed it, of course
But she sucked with such great force
That his balls are now way up inside him

I melt in your hands
and I drip through your fingers
will you ever hold on

Your smile makes me
Melt slowly on the inside
I miss you too much

As we basked in the warm, morning sun
I gave you some twat licking fun
Through the window sunlight streamed,
In my mouth you creamed
And I didn’t stop ‘til you were done.

Somebody told me
To watch out for you, they knew
I wouldn’t listen.

And you decided
To take advantage of that.
Now I feel so used.

She knows that I would never hurt her
Hold a gun to my head, I’d never desert her
I want her by my side
Through all this life’s crazy ride
But if she gets on her knees then I’ll squirt her

I love you so much
please tell me you feel the same
we’d be amazing

One day I wish to
be awaken by the sun,
and your loving arms

At the beach we were feeling quite randy
But we had no refuge for privacy handy
Overwhelmed by emotion
We fucked right there by the ocean
Taking much care not to get our parts sandy.

A PB&J
washed down by a PBR-
midnight lesson plans

I love Wisconsin
Hear rustling outside my house
It’s a herd of deer

She met two guys by the pool
The sight of her made each of them drool
They said, “Come here and sit between us.”
She took hold of each penis
And began to expertly jerk them off like at school

Boobs, tits, and hooters
I desire more topless pics
I am so lonely

painful memories
drown in pools of agony
wash away like rain

Gave this cutie a ride home from school.
“For an old guy, you seem pretty cool!”
I loved her high-pitched giggle…
Wait… what made her skirt wiggle?
Holy shit, now I feel like a fool. 

Thank you very much
It means much when I hear this
stay tuned for some more

My love, I miss you
Your scent, your eyes, your beauty
And of course your boobs

Saw this lovely girl actively brushing.
To her side I was already rushing.
Luscious boobs sweetly swaying,
I envisioned us playing…
Then one detail just left me blushing.

Your life will not be
erased from our memories;
I will remember

You were so lovely
And it grieves me to confess
I wish you were still

I love when you tease my junk
And hearing you laugh as I dribble out spunk
After all that is through
There’s no way we can screw
My dick bounces around like it’s drunk

Las tnight, in my dream,
My soft lips were pressed against
Your porcelain skin.

You sound like Yoda
But you are not very green
And you are taller

Would you like to give me a new treat?
Please jerk me off with your feet.
I must say, heaven knows,
You’re quite skilled with your toes
You make other girls seem obsolete

Thank you very much
Yes, there is a distinct theme
I know these things best

I’m no good with them
Mine start with “there once was a
Man from Nantucket

Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad Baruch Shem Kevod Malchuto Leolam Vaed Nananana Batman

Now that he’s retired I wonder what he’s going to do for recreation.  Probably bowl, drive around, and the occasional acid flashback.

That show on A&E called Shipping Wars is a real hoot these days.

Lohan/Sheen 2016

Love is two sweet four me.

History Channel is so awesome.  I hear for July 4th they’re planning an Ancient Aliens marathon.

The updated vice presidential portrait.

I’d love to hear the songs she comes up with when they break up.


And that’s probably the only way someone could get me to appreciate the arts.

Hugh Hefner trained everyone who lives and works at the Playboy mansion how to perform CPR on his junk.




Accurate movie posters.

I’m sorry…just sorry for everything.

I use humor to mask the fact that I want to fall of the face of the earth.  ENJOY!

I spent my President’s Day stuffing George Washington into g-strings.  I’m a patriot.

I think if parents attend their children’s sporting events there should be signs posted throughout the venue that say “You child is not a professional.  Sit down and watch.”

When I have kids I’m going to teach them important things like how to wear Air Jordans and utilize the wisdom of brotips for everyday usage.

I am surprised there isn’t a benefit run for the environment called “The Green Mile”.

I hear Google will be opening retail stores.  I think that will be a mistake.  When someone goes in they’ll ask the clerk,“I’m looking for a white t…” and the cashier will say, “A white teen whore being spanked?”  “No, a white t-shirt that says Google!”  “OK, what else can we get you.”  “How about a black m…”  “A black man with a large penis banging a redhead?”  “NO!  A black mug, a COFFEE MUG!”

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?  She gagged.

The two most beautiful feelings in the world are knowing someone loves you and knowing you hate someone.

I’m always freaked out that it only takes two ingredients to make a baby but it takes like 8 ingredients to make a chocolate cake.

To change their image the Ku Klux Klan has started opening detective agencies.  They are calling themselves the Klue Klux Klan.  They solve crimes but only in a racist way. Sort of like the actual police department.

Do you girls just feel your boobs for no reason whatsoever and just because you can?

I laugh every time I consider the fact that I’m an adult.

Does anyone know how many calories are in the number 9?  I’m asking for my friend number 7 because he ate 9.

I don’t know why people are up in arms about horse meat being in the IKEA meatballs.  If you’re eating meatballs at IKEA then you’re just asking to bite into indiscriminate meat.  This whole thing also shows you should get meat from more reputable sources like Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  Either way, IKEA has the best horse d’oeuvres.  I knew something was up when my Swedish meatball tasted like a sea biscuit. Sarah Jessica Parker is the new spokesperson for IKEA.  OK, no more IKEA jokes.  I’ll quit horsing around.

Medina is a dish best served funky cold.

I avoid talking about my badass life but I’m blogging from a wifi signal that I stole from the library across the street from my house.

Do you think in the 1800s there were people that said, “No,I don’t like Mozart because he’s a sellout. I’d rather listen to serfs beat things with sticks because it’s more authentic.”

I shower totally clothed because I have respect for my body.

I sort of would like a cult to worship me because it would do wonders for my self-esteem.  How many followers would it take to be considered a cult?  I must obtain a loyal following who will rec my posts no matter how awful they are.

I’m pretty sure if you smoke weed while pregnant your child will be born with dreadlocks and a rasta hat.

If I clicked every single ad, I’d have 579 iPads and a penis the size of the Sears Tower.

I have discovered that I am a superhero.  My power is to severely repulse women faster than a speeding train.

A phrase women use that I have grown to detest is, “All the good guys are gay”.  That is so insulting to me.  I don’t think I’m that bad.  Sure I’m horribly overweight, balding, ugly and hey what is that, a baked bean in my chest hair?  I haven’t had baked beans since last Thursday.  Oh, never mind, back to repulsing women.

I’d make a lot of money as an exterminator because all I’d have to do is hang outside a house and no living thing would want to be near me…especially the female of the species.

Even if I was the last person on Earth, I’d still shut the door when I went to the bathroom.

I hope I find someone soon because all my lube is set to expire or run out.

Thanks to the Food Network, I know it’s not “burning the food” it’s “putting a good char on it”.

I’ve become addicted to the show on Food Network called “Chopped”.  I wonder if they will have a Halloween special where Gwyneth Paltrow’s head is in the basket.

Why doesn’t Food Network ever have a show about how to cook for people you hate?  I’ve always been curious as to how to make a bleach cocktail.

I feel so unloved.  I think I finally understand how the two end slices on a loaf of bread feel.

Hot chicks to me are like iPads.  I’ll never have an iPad.

When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade and then you sell that lemonade in a busy area with a high markup on a hot day and then you open a lemonade store and then you become a lemonade corporation and eventually you’ll have a lemonade monopoly which will put life out of business.

When I was in grade school there was a sign near the paper towel dispensers that said “Take Only What You Need”.  A friend and I in third grade saw this and figured we needed all the towels in the dispenser and we needed to throw the mon the floor.  It wasn’t my proudest moment but it was my first dalliance fighting the man.

Sarc is my second favorite type of asm.

I think it’s time for a new girlfriend.  I think it’s high time I ruin someone else’s life.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I need sex.  Any takers?  It will be the most regrettable minute and a half of your life.

Someone told me that ranch dressing was good on everything so I put it on some broccoli, my lamp, and a country music CD.  They lied.

The best way to sum up a country music song…sad, sad,drinking, sad, sad, kill all non-Republicans and people with brown skin, happy, happy, drink, drink.

My heart melts when girls tell me those three words I love to hear, “You do not know how to count.”

I never realized how many pedophiles are out there.  I’m constantly being hit on by people asking,“What are you, twelve?”

Gas is getting pretty expensive.  I went to the gas station today and it cost me $5000 to fill up my car.  I didn’t just fill the tank but I filled the trunk and the interior.

The saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” was more accurate before people started taking selfies.

I find it odd that every single girl I dated in high school is now pregnant.  Here I thought they were all saving themselves for someone special.

Some people think I’m delusional but I’m really just really picky about which reality I decide to accept.

I’m an optimist so I always feel miserABLE.

Some people like to brainstorm to solve their problems but I like to day-drink and bitch about them to complete strangers.

I was so glad that the movie I picked won the Oscar.  Of course I picked the one without Anne Hathaway being annoying and singing. Anne Hathaway really is an inspiration to girls everywhere.  She shows them that they can grow up to winOscars and still be completely annoying. I get why she won.  It took a lot of restraint to tone down her crying in Les Miserables from her normal everyday crying.

Jennifer Lawrence’s legs won the Oscar for worst supporting an actress.

Brave won the Oscar for the best animated feature and Kristen Stewart’s face won the Oscar for the least animated feature.

The only red carpet coverage I care about is what kind of panties Christina Hendricks is wearing.

I tried the McDonald’s fish bites.  They smelled what I imagine the Bachelor hottub smells like.

The good: pooping before you shower.  The bad: pooping after you shower.  The ugly: pooping while you shower.

I don’t wear layers of clothing to stay warm.  I wear layers to dam and levee my sweat from reaching my outermost layer of clothing.

Salma Hayek saying “philanthropy” is my new ringtone.  It replaces my ringtone of Paul Lynde saying “crispy”.

One of my fantasies is to cover a girl in Elmer’s glue and then rip it off in one sexy sheet.

Sometimes it’s like swimsuit models want us to look at their breasts.

I’m pretty sure all the politicians want a governments hutdown so they have more time to spend in the stalls of D.C. bars snorting coke and using gloryholes.

It’s sad if your wife’s boobs sag.  It’s tragic if they never sag and you lose your hands in a snowblower accident.

Sure Ben Affleck won the Oscar for Best Movie for Argo but he also made Daredevil, Jersey Girl, and Gigli.

I want to meet more people from Xanga except that would mean having to shower.  Screw it, love me for who I am and the scent I emit.

Having a lot of subscribers on Xanga is like having an ant farm with a lot of opinionated ants.

I’ve been trying to pitch new mottos for Xanga so they can do an ad campaign to attract new users. Here’s my latest: Are you addicted to drugs?  Do you have no life?  Do you have a Skrillex tattoo?  Do you love Dane Cook?  Are you a pathological liar?  Do you suffer from an illness that you diagnosed yourself on WebMD?  Do you masturbate excessively?  Then Xanga’s the place for you.

If Xanga has ever offended you, I’m sorry…sorry that you let an internet site get to you so much.

Xanga is a lot like kindergarten.  Instead of throwing rocks at people we make fake accounts to harass them and tell on them to the Xanga team.  And instead of me pulling hair of the girls I like I just pull their hair in my imagination.

People around Xanga constantly bandy about the mantra “I don’t give a fuck”.  Xanga does give a fuck and mostly it’s a “fuck you” to me.

The only thing more pathetic than my Xanga’s rating system is my sex life.

Xanga has made it possible for me to laugh without physically laughing.

Facebook got a movie. Google is getting a movie.  When is Xanga going to get off its ass and get a movie?  I bet it will be about abortion and circumcision and rape and racism and gun control.

STEVE HOLT STEVE HOLT STEVE HOLT!  #caturday

Gene Parmesan…got you

I hope everyone is having a great weekend

I’m finally back with one of these posts.  I’ve been lazy and sick and down on Xanga.  I love the people here for the most part but the way the site has been functioning and these troll ratings attacks have me really upset with this product.  I mean what’s the point of using it if it doesn’t work or I can’t view someone’s site because they are rated EX?  I know I’m basically yelling at a wall because I’ll be told to make the suggestion to Xanga ideas where someone with their 50+ accounts will shoot down my idea and the Xanga team won’t look at it.  Grumble!  I think I’m in a foul mood because I blew my nose earlier tonight and I did it so hard that my ear burst and then I became dizzy, lost my balance, and fell.  I’m old.  Time for the round-up.

These photos of Nicki Minaj sporting a neon green thong while lounging around at her house were released this week.  I guess that’s your every day type of lounging attire.  I really dislike her on American Idol.  I tried watching with an open mind but she really sucks as does Mariah Carey.  The only thing saving Mariah is she has a lot of cleavage and acts drunk.  Nicki just acts like the crazy girl in my grade school class that would pretend to be British on Mondays and French on Fridays and every day in between it was a toss-up.

Country singer Mindy McCready committed suicide this week and died at the age of 37.  She had 12 #1 hits on the country music charts and she was most famous for the song “Guys Do It All the Time”.  She had a lot of demons.  She battled alcoholism and was in and out of treatment facilities.  She leaves behind two sons both of whom were taken into custody because of her drinking and other problems.  The father of her 9 month old son shot himself and her last boyfriend killed himself a month earlier.  Mindy also killed her dog.  People are saying Mindy may have had something to do with her former boyfriend, David Wilson’s, death.  She was the only person in the house and initially she claimed she didn’t hear the gunshot because the TV was so loud.  That must’ve been really loud.  Then she said she did hear the shot.  The police wanted to question her not because she was a suspect but because they needed clarification.  I know I consider myself a lot of things…nice, smart, hung, and amateur detective.  I know enough that police won’t say, “Hey, you’re a suspect, but we want to ask you a lot of questions.”  She wasn’t officially a suspect because she was unofficially a suspect.  A good place to start looking when a suicide is suspicious is at the person who was at the house at the same time.  It’s also strange she died on the same porch where he did just a month before.

Back in 2010, Megan Fox was fired from the Transformers franchise of movies because of things she said about the Transformers cast and crew including the director Michael Bay who she said was like working for Hitler.  Megan also complained about having to wash his car to get the part.  Well she must’ve washed his car naked because he has cast in his new live action adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Bay announced if via the tweet: “TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family”  The family?  I bet he makes everyone call him daddy and talk to him in a high-pitched voice.  She will be playing April O’Neill.  ugh…the only thing that could save that movie is Vanilla Ice doing the ninja rap.

Desperation is setting in for Lindsay Lohan and since she hasn’t quite figured out how to suck money directly out of a penis she’s now hitting up her exes for money that she totally plans on paying back…as soon as they track her down and sell her organs on the black market to recoup their losses.  She has turned to Ashton Kutcher for help because they had a brief fling a few years ago and he feels obligated to act as her personal ATM.  Although they were never serious, Ashton has a soft spot for her and Lindsay is totally exploiting it.  She borrows hundreds of dollars at a time and promises to pay him back in a few weeks but Ashton doesn’t really care.  I wonder how Mila Kunis, Ashton’s current girlfriend, feels about this.  It must be pretty convenient when Lindsay shows up at his house at 3am with a cordless drill she just found. Lindsay even lets them keep it for $20 until she gets paid! What a steal!  Back when Lindsay was a lesbian, before she had financial difficulties that forced her to become straight, Lindsay dated Sam Ronson.  After they broke up Lindsay showed up every day crying until she moved in next door when Sam refused to speak with her any more.  Well Sam was deejaying a VIP party at the opening of Dubai’s latest luxury hotel, The Atlantis.  People in attendance included Oprah Winfrey, Kylie Minogue, Mary-Kate Olsen, Mischa Barton, and Matthew Williamson.  Anne Dexter-Jones, Sam’s mom, claims that without warning Lindsay threw a temper tantrum.  She flung herself onto the thick carpet and started to roll around while screaming like a child.  Anne said that Lindsay was upset that people weren’t paying enough attention to her.  She then took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself.  Then she says things got worse but wouldn’t go into details.  She was afraid for Sam’s safety and told them the next morning that she couldn’t support their relationship and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in her house.  We really don’t need to have a forum discussion as to why we all believe every word of this story, because if you’ve been on Earth since 2005, you know that Lindsay is a spoiled, petulant child who will literally throw a tantrum in the middle of the aisle if she doesn’t think she’s the center of the universe at all times. She probably thinks global warming was caused by that time she went blonde.  Remember that time Lindsay sued rapper Pitbull because the song “Give Me Everything”, had the line, “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan” and it caused her great emotional distress and that because Pitbull used her name he owed her money?  Don’t worry anymore.  A New York federal judge sided with Pitbull because the song is a work of art protected by the 1st amendment plus Lindsay is barely even mentioned in it. The judge also ruled Lindsay’s allegations that she suffered emotional distress are also BS. The case has been dismissed.  Although the judge was a little liberal with the whole “the song is a work of art thing”, fuck Lindsay Lohan. I don’t think I can stress that enough.  The dress Lindsay is wearing in the photo was valued at $1750 and borrowed for a charity event earlier this month.  Supposedly she destroyed it but I’m thinking the liberal media is just out to smear Lindsay’s reputation.  She claims she ripped it so she had her assistant ask the bouncer for a pair of scissors so she could make alterations.  What bouncer carries scissors?  The people at Theia who gave her the dress said she turned it into a mullet.  What exactly were the dopes at Theia thinking when they let Lindsay “Rough Patch” Lohan borrow a dress, expecting it returned in good order? They should be happy that it was only shredded and not returned like the rest of Lindsay’s clothes: covered top to bottom in Red Bull, Grey Goose, and semen. You know what? That last comment was a low blow. Lindsay can’t afford Grey Goose.

A group of British guys who wear scarves and carry moisturizer in their hand bags made a list of the ugliest actresses alive.  I guess I gave away who the #1 actress was.  Here’s the top 10:  1. Kristen Stewart 2. Sarah Jessica Parker 3. Lindsay Lohan 4. Denise Richards 5. Kirsten Dunst 6. Mischa Barton 7. Hillary Swank 8. Lucy Liu 9. Tilda Swinton 10. Uma Thurman  They claimed they were turned off by Stewart because she was moody and volatile and they don’t want to see unhealthily skinny ice queens on the big screen.  I would give Kristen Stewart bonus points because she likes to give married dudes road head, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s boring and looks like if I had sex with her she’d lay there like a bag of potatoes. That being said, is there a reason why Sarah Jessica Parker wasn’t 1-5 and Cameron Diaz wasn’t 6-10? If I saw either of them walking down street, I’d aim for the brain before I realized what I was doing because I’m totally into The Walking Dead now that I have Netflix.

Remember how often talk about how disgusting Ke$ha is and how she probably smells like a dead body found washed up on the shore at a beach?  Well she’s really disgusting.  Her and her brother have been filming a documentary for the past two and a half years and Ke$ha claims, “He got all the things you would want to see and all the things you wouldn’t really want to see — making out with dudes, drinking my own pee, jumping out of a building, jumping out of aeroplanes, swimming with sharks.  I was told drinking my own pee was good … Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, ‘That is mine!’ So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don’t do it anymore.”  Ke$ha looks like something Bear Grylls would try to escape, so it would be cool if they met only to find they have something in common.  Or maybe she could do some collaborations with Chuck Berry.  Also in the show Ke$ha eats a cannoli.  Can cannolis get gonorrhea?

Jessica Simpson is ridiculously attractive but she’s also a functioning mentally challenged person.  She named her daughter Maxwell and now according to sources she is set to name her unborn son Ace.  There is no word on how she came up with that name however I think it has something to do with her boyfriend, Eric Johnson’s, penis.  The baby’s name would be Ace Johnson aka Champion Penis.  But then her kids will be Max and Ace.  That sort of sounds like a kid and his dog on a Disney Channel animated crap show.

This is the first promotional poster for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.  It sort of looks like a wedding poster for some weird alien cult so basically I’m saying that it looks like something out of The Church of Scientology.

If there was ever an argument to abolish the 2nd Amendment, U.K.’s Channel 5, aired a documentary, Speidi: Scandal, Secrets & Surgery!, where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt show off their gun collection.  Trust me, that is not an arsenal.  I have four guns and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of some people’s collections around here.  This is, however, two idiots with semi-automatics and a sniper rifle who are broke because they thought the Mayans were right. And after watching the video, I’m pretty sure Heidi Montag has never even held a gun before. What she says seems so scripted.  I bet Spencer wrote all of that for her so she could practice saying it.  The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we’re all doomed.  But as we all know, nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a two reality show contestants.  That garage they’re in?  That’s Spencer’s parents’ garage because they are broke and have to live with his parents.  Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and “crazed fans”.  What fans?  If they have any fans, those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff.

It was announced this week that Harrison Ford will be reprising his role as Han Solo in the upcoming J.J. Abrams’ movie Star Wars Episode VII.  According to my pants, my boner just broke into warp speed and inserted itself into some Xangan ladies and Natalie Portman and then it whispered, “I’m such a Stars Wars fan, baby, I hope you like having twins.”

Giada De Larentiis was spotted at the South Beach Food and Wine festival wearing this number.  I think she is now my favorite fake chef.  The ball is in your court now Paula Deen.

If you’ve ever heard Chrissy Teigen speak or read her Twitter, you’d know that she doesn’t take herself or her life too seriously which is basically why she’s universally loved and a 9 time Grammy winner wants to make her his wife.  See how that works, ladies?  You could always take yourself somewhat seriously and throw yourself at the feet of a fat blogger.  Well that being said about her not being serious, something she recently said offended a lot of people.  Chrissy tweeted this: “We keep pushing the date but it will definitely happen in 2013. If it’s not this year, I’m out.”  Then after all her critics said that was awful she tweeted: “Obviously it was a joke, I don’t even care about getting married.”  People of course will jump on that last part, so it’s a good thing Chrissy doesn’t give a fuck. Because you know who cares about getting married?  John Legend.  Why?  Have you ever seen the way that dude looks?  He looks like my 4 year old goddaughter when I say I have candy.  John’s wedding gift to himself is to clone Chrissy so he can marry her twice.

It’s pretty obvious that Britney Spears is no longer under supervision when she wears outfits like that out in public.  She needs supervision to to observe her wardrobe selection otherwise something is going to end up on fire.  Maybe she’s just depressed since she got fired from her job on The X-Factor. 

This is the 3573rd post I’ve seemingly done about Amanda Bynes being crazy.  She is being forced to move out of her New York City apartment or face eviction because she’s smoking weed all over the building.  She constantly leaves her doors open to her apartment and knocks on all her neighbors’ doors and changed all her lightbulbs to red lights.  People also say she comes down to the lobby and laughs hysterically for a few minutes and then returns to her apartment.  I feel bad for this girl but if she’s as crazy as she does in that photo then I’d let her knock on my door all she wants.  I would love to date her so I could tell her that my semen would make her telepathic and help her teleport to L.A. and that certain types of sex would help legalize marijuana.  I really haven’t had time to think this through.

This may be shocking news but here goes…inhale…Alec Baldwin got into a fight with the paparazzi.  Baldwin was approached by a reporter and photographer from The New York Post and the reporter was asking about a lawsuit against Alec’s wife.  Alec grabbed the reporter, Tara Palmeri, by the arm and told her, “I want to choke you to death.”   The photographer, a former detective with the NYPD, G.N. Miller stepped in and Baldwin called him a “coon, drug dealer”.  It’s so weird that out of all the celebrities out there that get followed by the paparazzi that Alec Baldwin is the only one who goes batshit crazy on them and then alleges they assaulted him.  It’s almost as if the problem is Alec’s reaction to the paparazzi, and not the paparazzi itself. I know, right, what a groundbreaking theory. I should become a professor or something.

Even though she wants everyone to forget it and has lawyers threaten bloggers who posted them years ago with lawsuits, Vanessa Hudgens is still talking about her “graphic” nude pics.  Yes they were so graphic because you don’t see stuff like that in Hustler at all.  Vanessa said this: “That was just a really shitty situation that sucked.  That was by far the worst moment of my career.”  Ah yes, I remember those photos now.  I also seem to remember a trip to the clinic to help treat my dislocated wrist.  I don’t know why she regrets those photos other than showing off her unkempt nether hair which isn’t really a bad thing.  Those pics made her a star and led to better camera phones and better broadband service and put Twitter on the map.  Vanessa Hudgens is basically the Steve Jobs of masturbation; she didn’t invent it but she made a lot of improvements to it.

Taylor Swift is going to be dating Mumford & Sons soon.  Apparently she went to the British music awards with a list of men she wanted to meet but only to talk about possible collaborations.  Yeah, collaborating underneath a blanket fort while eating s’mores.  You thought I was going to say sex but we all know Taylor doesn’t do that.  She really wanted to hang out with Tom Odell of that band because she loves his voice and music.  Great.  Mumford & Sons is a wannabe Fleet Foxes. There, I said it. But that won’t stop Taylor Swift from following them around to renaissance fairs or commnues or wherever they perform because she’ll think they want to marry her after they all get handjobs after this awards show. Then she’ll buy a house next to one of their mothers. Then she’ll dress up a baby doll in a vest and a bowtie and try to teach it to play banjo. It has to be banjo. Because if a member of Mumford & Sons sees someone playing the drums they catch on fire and explode into organic coffee grounds.

The Oscars are this weekend, a religious event in Hollywood second only to Christmas/Hanukkah.  I’m somewhat anxious for them mostly because Seth MacFarlane is hosting.  He can’t do any worse than last year’s co-hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  That was horrible.  I also hear people talking about all the potential upset winners.  I doubt anything like that will happen.  I’m pretty sure Lincoln is going to win everything.  I’d be shocked if it didn’t since none of the other movies made a state ratify an amendment to officially end slavery.  The real winners this year will be the presenters.  They are given gift bags with some pretty decent gifts.  Items include a book by Leeza Gibbons, a six pack of Naked brand condoms, a gourmet maple syrup valued at $100, portion control dinnerware, a gift certificate for something called a Vampire Facelift valued at $5000 which is a cosmetic procedure that involves re-injecting gel-like substances from the patient’s blood back into the skin of their face to treat wrinkles, tickets to a circus valued at $400, hair ties, a lint roller, and Windex.  I guess it pays not to be nominated for anything good because as a presenter you’re going home with Windex.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and all of you don’t get rated EX.

First I want to say thank you for all the birthday wishes.  I was overwhelmed.  I honestly didn’t think anyone here knew or cared.  It really made my day.  My birthday wasn’t exciting.  I’m still recovering from my cold so I didn’t want to push anything and I didn’t want to go anywhere for a fancy meal because my congestion permits me from tasting all foods.  I made myself a steak and a baked potato and that was good.  I could tell I was on the mend because today I couldn’t stay awake.  Usually when I have an illness on the recovery end I get super sleepy and that day was today so I guess that’s good.  Well here are some tattoos.

In the not too distant future…we need MST3K back on the air. 

I don’t think he was too happy which is why I never understood the naming of Good Friday.  I realize it’s “good” because of what happened but with all the reflection about why that had to happen I shouldn’t come away feeling good.

Well he really couldn’t tap out since his hands were occupied by the nails.

OK the story behind this one is that this girl had been dating a guy for a few weeks and she got his name tattooed across her face.  She’s 17 or 18.  I can’t remember now but way to throw away any career you ever dreamed of attaining.

I don’t really get this one and the next one.  They are former professional wrestlers done up as women.  I’d be afraid to get this tattoo because it’s off Chris Benoit.  I’d fear the tattoo would try to choke me with a weightlifting machine.

This is pin-up Al Snow.  He was the wrestler who became famous for carrying a mannequin head with him wherever he went and he carried on conversations with it.  Then he named it “Head” so his catchphrase was “What does everybody need?  What does everybody want?”  And then the audience would chant “HEAD HEAD HEAD HEAD!”  Yeah that’s pretty much all I wanted for my birthday this year…sigh…there aren’t any hookers in my town.

Any ladies could have a friend (me) in you if you play your cards right.  At first I thought that was the Power Glove.  I wonder how many people will get that reference.

Lately the only pizza I trust comes from this place called Pizza Doctors.

P.R.E.A.M.  especially the Pizza Doctors dessert pizzas.

Pizz-finity or Infi-pizza?  Infi-pizza sounds better.  I don’t know if I could eat only pizza for the rest of my life.

Where’s Waldo?  I was talking to a guy at a bar a few weeks ago and he said that he’s working on getting a sleeve tattoo and he’s thinking of hiding a Waldo inside the work.

You most definitely aren’t a playa if you have the word tattooed inside your lip.

Well that’s a nice reminder but it wouldn’t work if that person is an aspiring boxer.

I remember reading an article a few years ago about a taco joint in California that said if a person where to get a  visible tattoo of their logo then they would eat free for life.  I might get a Taco Bell tattoo like this one if it meant a lifetime supply of Cool Ranch Doritos tacos.

Last time I posted the pen behind the ear, here’s a blunt behind the ear.  It’s nice artwork and it makes me wonder how many times this guy gets stopped by the police.  Why would a person want to attract the police to their actions?

Ah yes, a good old-fashioned, I banged your mom tattoo.  I don’t know who that tattoo is punishing.

Well I suppose that’s nice if you don’t have eyebrows.

Boobies and they are huge and long.  Save the boobies…they might be an endangered species.

Well I have to say that may be one of the most creative things I’ve ever seen done with a sac.  My parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said, “A big bag of money that I have to drag around with me everywhere I go.”  Well…I suppose I could get this tattoo because the dragging is somewhat accurate because I’m so alone.

And this week’s most tasteless tattoo…Christopher Dorner.  That was really fast to get as a tattoo.  And of course this guy is fast becoming a hero but I still think it’s awful that someone would memorialize him like this.

Well I hope you weren’t scarred or scared. 

Remember that time I posted that really bad post?  Well I was hacked and have been ever since then.

Do you realize that I could be naked right now?  You would never even know.

By saying that Planned Parenthood only performs abortion you’re essentially saying that veterinarians only put down animals.

Who made it necessary that they put directions on shampoo bottles?  Did some guy stand in a shower and think, “Gee this stuff must be for drinking or putting up my ass.”

I think it’s pretty cool that us guys can summon tiny ghosts from our penises.

I’ve been studying statistics and soulmates and statistically my soulmate is a 28 year old Chinese man.

I remember a time when a father took his son aside to discuss the son’s report card.  “Son, your grades…you got an A, a C, a D, and another C in a row.  That’s AWESOME!  High five! Your new bedtime is never!”

I accept all sexual orientations except country and rap.

I’m certain that the fashion industry and all those damn fashion reality shows are distracting us from the fact that we are big slabs of meat that are constantly excreting substances.

If I had a nickel for every time I was horny I’d be a fucking millionaire.

They often say “mo’ money, mo’ problems” but what are these“mo’ problems”?  Mo Vaughn?  Moe from The Simpsons?  Moe from The Three Stooges?  The abbreviation for the state of Missouri?

Why is it illegal to have sex with a miner?  They provide us with coal and electricity.  Why can’t they have any fun?

Where can I download a 6ft tall blonde Scandinavian goddess who is down to fuck old balding fat guys?

That alleged meteorite in Russia wasn’t really a meteorite.  It was the arrival of Kal-El, son of Jor-El and Lara Lor-Van from Krypton.

Some of you have been curious how you can be my friend.  Here’s a simple list: message me in caps lock with words like “u” and “ashakhf”, tell me about how biased the news is, not being sarcastic, sending me naked pics, talk dirty, love me, basically how I act.

It’s funny how people complain about gas prices but have no qualms about dropping $5 for a coffee at Starbucks.

I’ve always wondered if Pacman and Ms. Pacman were married or brother and sister.  I have a lot riding on this, namely some fanfic that could be really awesome or really disturbing.

I was secretly hoping that Beyonce would cancel and they’d have to get Bam Margera to perform his hit song “Bend My Dick to the Back of My Ass”

I’ve heard a lot of people are into roleplaying.  I’m wondering if anyone is up for any Bible roleplaying.

If I ever do get married I’m pretty sure my wedding ring will be a donut.

Joe Flacco is negotiating a contract with the Baltimore Ravens.  He was asking for a contract similar to Drew Brees.  After seeing Roger Godell’s new deal, Flacco is asking for Godell money.

They often say, “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”.  I’ve been thinking and come up with the only logical retort: Brunos are from Mars and Freddies are from Mercury.

Did I ever tell you about how I once applied to art school?  I wrote “Remember Hitler?” on the bottom of my application.  It didn’t make them accept me.

The amount of celebrities I would offer my body for carnal relations is astounding.

A kid in geography class pointed at the continent of Africa and asked, “Which one is Urethra?”  I have no hope for the future.

This past Wednesday it was hard to distinguish which people were adherents of Ash Wednesday and which people just got back from a bottle rocket fight.

I went to Burger King today and had to use the bathroom.  The lead singer from Digital Underground was in the bathroom but he was too busy to give me an autograph.

I think I’m officially old. Every time I tell a story it winds up being like some long rambley show on History Channel.

Currently my ideal situation is that I slip into a coma and they make a reality show about me being in a coma and when I wake up I’m filthy rich from my reality show money.

I think the reason I feel so alone is because I’m the only person I know that doesn’t put anything on their cereal.  Even the lactose intolerant guy I know putsj uice on his cereal.  Me, I just go at it raw like other things.  Also I’ve been replacing the milk with wine and the cereal with wine.

How awesome is it that Mississippi finally woke up and joined the19^th century and ratified the Amendment to end slavery this week!

If you ever watch Showgirls on BluRay you’ll be surprised how clear it is.  You can actually seethe moment Elizabeth Berkley’s career died.

I’m trying to grab your attention and by attention I mean boobs.

If I was a porn star and someone approached me and said they were a big fan, I would not shake their hand.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I think internet has destroyed all empathy and sensitivity I’ve ever had and I no longer feel sad when I hear of deaths because so many have been faked.

I have a feeling that in 20 years you’re going to need a bachelor’s degree just to beg on the street.

If Heaven really is like Seven Minutes in Heaven, it’s going to be filled with a lot of sighing girls telling me not to touch them.

I believe in separate but equal when it comes to boobs.

The Mormon Church wanted to baptize victims of the Holocaust including Anne Frank.  Some say that is a huge violation of privacy sort of like reading someone’s diary without their permission.

I once convinced a guy to tattoo his social security number on his back when he was drunk.  He did and now he can’t go to the beach without having his identity stolen.

When I get drunk I act like I’m British…I drive on the left side of the road.

I have always been confused by The Green Lantern.  His ring supposedly projects anything he’s thinking.  Am I really supposed to believe he’s never projected genitals at his enemies?

My dick looks more Jewish than my bank account.

If the terrorists really wanted to make America die they should’ve blown up McDonald’s headquarters or tried to remove the Ten Commandments from a courthouse wall.

I think it may be a good day to wear my Pink Floyd “Wish You Were Here” Speedo to the bar.

Meaningless relationships mean a lot to me.

The dictionary defines a blog as “a shared on-line journal where people can post diary entries about their personal experiences and hobbies”.  I tried that and I lost followers.  OK go look at the boobs again.

They say when you break a bone it grows back stronger.  If that’s the case then I bet my exgirlfriend’s hymen could cut diamonds.

Who needs porn when you have a full body mirror in your bedroom?

I have toyed with the idea of buying my cat a keyboard to lay on while I use the real keyboard.  It probably wouldn’t work.  She’d see through the ruse.

Why would you stay friends with an ex?  It’s like if you get fired from a job, you don’t hang out at the old job to watch others do your work.

I don’t use my power for good or evil.  I just use it to watch TV and mess around on the internet.

When I get home I have my lounging clothes which usually consists of a t-shirt and sweat pants. Well right now I’m in my super lounging clothes.  I take off the pants and fashion them into a cape.

How many friends on Xanga do you need to get on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice?  Probably the same number it takes to get on NBC’s The Biggest Loser.

If you heard something through the Xanga grapevine then you probably need a shot of penicillin.

People say I am famous on Xanga.  Does this mean I can go to car dealership openings and cut the ribbon and wear a sash that says “Xanga Famous”?  I may be Xanga famous but remember, folks, I drink two beers at a time just like the rest of you.

I think Adam Sandler’s movie career is sort of like my Xanga.  It got progressively less funny over time until the time it was absolutely pathetic.

I sort of like to say I’m on pretty good terms with everyone here.  I try not to accuse you of trolling because I disagree with your opinion or rate your site EX simply because I have no other logical argument.

Now taking bets as to what the next bit of Xanga drama will be.

When I get few comments on a post I just tell myself that my humor is too sophisticated and then I laugh like a demented hobo for a good minute or two and then I resume my regular Xanga activities.

Everyone keep your February 27^th open so you can come see me sit at home and make dick and fart jokes and complain about Xanga.

Sometimes I feel like the Bernie Madoff of Xanga.

In the end all of us want attention.  Some of us timestamp, some of us beg for comments and recs, and some of us create 40+ accounts and carry on conversations with all our Xanga accounts.

If Xanga has taught me one thing it’s how to blog with one hand while I eat with the other.

Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing if someone made a drunk post or if it was translated by Bing.

I’ve been following some of you so long that I’m so attached to you that I don’t even care what you post anymore.  I just enjoy your presence and personality.  Thanks for being so awesome even when I don’t talk that much anymore. Yeah I’m creepy.

The rumor is true. The 20^th is my birthday.

Well it’s Valentine’s Day.  I bet the majority of you are out having fun and debauchery.  My voice is gone.  All I can do is whisper.  I had to take my cats to the vet for a check-up/nail trimming and that was fun because I couldn’t communicate with the vet.  She insisted I go to the doctor.  Tomorrow morning at 11:30.  My wonderful Valentine’s feast was frozen waffles, sausage, and Hawaiian Punch.  Now here are more cards.  Sorry I upset you with my horrible day.

So which card did I give you?

Well I hope you had a good Valentine’s Day.  I may post another one of these tomorrow because they’ll be on sale. 

Since I’m not getting any Valentine’s this year I thought I’d share a bunch of Valentine’s I’ve found while surfing the intertubes.

So if you want a Valentine’s card from me just print one of these out and sign my name to it.  Depending on how many tears I shed and if I recover my voice, I may be back with another batch later.

I think I’m doing better because all I can think about is having a Benny Hill style sexy chase and girls coming over to pamper me, make me feel better, and sit on my face.

The real reason I’ve been gone is I’ve been pitching TV show ideas to MTV.  The best idea I had was“Appropriate Age Mom” but they said no.

This really isn’t a joke but I just heard a news report about a local university that will allow for males and females to be roommates in dorm rooms starting next year.  If people asked for this at my college I’m sure the administration would have strokes.  The only time members of the opposite sex could visit my dorm was on the weekends (Friday 7PM to midnight,Saturday noon to midnight, and Sunday noon to 6PM).  And if a member of the opposite sex came to your room you had to leave your door open.

According to my calculations and this fancy calculator, you should make out with me.

The Post Office is no longer going to offer Saturday mail service because of lack of funds.  If only they had listened to me and used my idea of LSD laced stamps to commemorate Woodstock then they wouldn’t be in this mess.

Pick up line destined for failure: “I may not go down in history but I will go down on you.”

Whenever I see someone write “rwar” I chuckle because little do they know that “rwar” means “girl, pop that pussy” in dinosaur.

The internet is a scary, creepy, dangerous domain of monsters and beasts.  It’s not a petting zoo although with a few clicks you can find some very disturbing petting zoo action.

If I were a Spice Girl my name would be Depression Spice or Trainwreck Spice.

Lately all my major decisions in life are whether I should fiesta or siesta.

You know something I noticed that’s pretty creepy.  In the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty, they never mention that he’s an egg.  It’s just assumed.

I have 99 problems and 300 of them are math related.

If my life were a book, right now it would be the slow part where the reader gradually becomes less inclined to continue reading because it’s nothing more than monotonous page filler.

I’m pretty sure Nicholas Cage is begging movie studios to do a movie starring him about the Super Bowl blackout.

I am suffering from a severe lack of physical intimacy.  Would you like to help cure me?

I remember when I was planning on having sex with one of my girlfriends for the first time.  It was going to be on a camping trip.  I had intense intents in tents.

I’ve always wondered why men are allowed to wear “I Love Boobies” merchandise and claim it’s for breast cancer awareness.  Why don’t women start wearing “I Love Fat,Throbbing Cocks and Giant Balls” for testicular or prostate awareness?

I’m fairly certain that Scientology is the longest running episode of Punk’d.

I put Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen in my Netflix queue and it suggested I be sterilized and find a time traveler so I could go back in time for a better upbringing.

They say that once you hit rock bottom there’s no place to go but up.  Well, I’ve been sitting down here so long I’m hoping someone throws me some nachos and beer.

I have a feel that the reason my love life is a disaster is because I never forward those fucking chain emails.

According to TV and movies, everyone in high school is in their 20s.  No wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are stupid.

I think most brands of dog food are better than what they serve in school cafeterias.

If I had a nickel for each time I had sex, I’d probably have to ask my pimp for a raise.

Basically what I’ve done my entire life is set people’s expectations for me so low that I’m at the point where I impress them if I put my shoes on the right foot and don’t shit myself.

Imagine the music that would be made if Adele and Taylor Swift dated and then broke up.

I’ve heard Taylor Swift songs and I’ve heard youtube videos of an elephant farting.  The elephant fart videos deserve the Grammy’s more than Taylor Swift.

The Amish Grammy Awards were held this weekend and every award was won by the Amish performer named J-Zeke.

I wish I had a girlfriend because then I’d wear underwear that doesn’t have holes in it.  Oh well,who needs girls when you have booze?

Cooties are a real thing only now that we are older we call them STDs.

Have you ever made a wish at 11:11PM and it never came true?  The reason it doesn’t come true is because I wish at 11:11AM that all the wishes made at 11:11PM don’t come true.

For Lent I’ve considered giving up on life and when I die I’d like my ashes secretly slipped into random pepper shakers throughout the world.

I’m also considering giving up auto-correct jokes for lint.  I’m also giving up on the notion that there will ever be a good Lent joke like I wonder if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Some day I hope to have enough money to pay Gordon Lightfoot to read all my posts to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

Why does no one seem to write songs about sensible women with high moral fibers any more?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I can’t believe guys still are concerned about whether or not a girl spits or swallows.  Isn’t it enough that she allows you to ejaculate in her mouth?

Girls seem to freak out when I tell them I have VD.  In my world, VD stands for “voluptuous dong”.

The Olympics are getting rid of wrestling.  I knew it was all phony.  The only thing that would upset me about that decision would be if they replaced it with golf or poker.

I wish blowing on my car engine made it work like blowing on a Nintendo cartridge.

The Boy Scouts postponed the vote on whether to allow gay members or not.  I guess they weren’t prepared.

Ladies, I play the piano and guitar and I type something like 90 wpm so, yeah, I’m very good at fingering.

I can’t believe I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day when I have to clean my glasses at least three times a day because of excess eyebrow dandruff.

As far as my penis knows, I’m getting laid every single day.

All the money I’ve saved on not going on dates I’ve spent on buying myself snack food for when I get depressed.  So far this month I’ve spent $2,000 on candy.

Is gay adoption legal? I wonder how many gays I can adopt.

Ted Nugent was at the State of the Union address.  I was sort of hoping Obama would pull out a guitar and shred proving he’s much better at guitar than Nugent.  I’m also expecting Nugent to start shooting arrows and for Biden to catch them with his teeth.  I would’ve also enjoyed it if Obama’s State of the Union was simply: “The state of the union will improve when you all stop acting like little bitches and start treating everyone nicely.”  He should’v ealso had a screen behind him playing the movie “Mad Max” and every few minutes points to it and says “See, it could be worse.”

Ladies, these commercials are very confusing at this time of year.  Do you do you not want a lifesized stuffed Vermont teddy bear and a lifesized sculpture of me made of chocolate?

I feel like people are the most disappointed with me when I’m making armpit farting noises.

I sometimes wish I could send my cats to the pound to experience some sort of scared straight program when they claw up the carpet on my stairs at 3AM.

Now that the Pope has resigned I hear he’s posted his resume on Monster and is looking for jobs as a pajama model.

I think the best way to find the new Pope would be to find which Cardinal has the most stripper glitter on his hat.

Imagine what Vatican human resources would’ve done to me if I had stolen a few pens and staplers.

I wonder what Pope Benedict will do with his Twitter account now that he’s resigning.  I bet he’ll use it to post more Looney Tunes gifs.

Just once I want to cause a scene at a restaurant and then crab walk my way out.

Forrest Gump once said “Life is like a box of chocolates…”  He got the end wrong though because it’s “there’s nothing left once you share it with a woman.”

Ladies, is it hot that I stay up all night watching porn and then when I can’t sleep I lay in bed playing air guitar to The Black Keys?

I’ve found that since I can’t get a hold of any real absinthe that downing a whole bottle of Robotussin with a Five Hour Energy and a hand full of prescription pills will give you the same effect.

Just like Django, my D is useless.

How long will it be before Miley Cyrus endorses her own flavor of Kodiak?

I’ve heard people on Xanga and Tumblr brag about how many friends they have.  I have to remind them that it’s all about quality rather than quantity.  Would you rather have 50 girls sucking your dick or 10,000 girls holding your hand?

They say, “All good things must come to an end,” which is why I will never close this account.

The #1 tip for a long, happy, and successful relationship is to never get a Xanga account.

I’ve been more upset when I’ve seen my Xanga crush flirting with other guys than when a former girlfriend cheated on me.  I need help. Stop it, whores!  I love her so much that I would pee and poop with the door open so nothing could ever separate us.

You know what really wins an argument on Xanga, correcting another person’s grammar and spelling.

Isn’t it funny that people on Xanga get mad at you for posting your personal thoughts on a blog which is essentially an internet diary?

I read so many Xangans and come away thinking that they area cynical fourth grader who just learned how to swear and because they know how to use the words “fuck” and “shit” they think they are badass.

This post was Xanga funny but not “ha ha” funny.

I think people block me on Xanga because they’re jealous of my well defined triceps and excellent complexion.

on #caturday nonetheless.  This is about the first time I’ve rolled off my couch for something other than the bathroom, liquids, or food.  I’m looking at my hands and notice they match the color of my keyboard.  I think I’m a little better this evening compared to last night.  Maybe it was my all day marathon of Parks and Recreation.  I watched the first two seasons.  Gosh I love that Netflix.  Now I guess it’s time for cats.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.