Remember that time I posted that really bad post?  Well I was hacked and have been ever since then.

Do you realize that I could be naked right now?  You would never even know.

By saying that Planned Parenthood only performs abortion you’re essentially saying that veterinarians only put down animals.

Who made it necessary that they put directions on shampoo bottles?  Did some guy stand in a shower and think, “Gee this stuff must be for drinking or putting up my ass.”

I think it’s pretty cool that us guys can summon tiny ghosts from our penises.

I’ve been studying statistics and soulmates and statistically my soulmate is a 28 year old Chinese man.

I remember a time when a father took his son aside to discuss the son’s report card.  “Son, your grades…you got an A, a C, a D, and another C in a row.  That’s AWESOME!  High five! Your new bedtime is never!”

I accept all sexual orientations except country and rap.

I’m certain that the fashion industry and all those damn fashion reality shows are distracting us from the fact that we are big slabs of meat that are constantly excreting substances.

If I had a nickel for every time I was horny I’d be a fucking millionaire.

They often say “mo’ money, mo’ problems” but what are these“mo’ problems”?  Mo Vaughn?  Moe from The Simpsons?  Moe from The Three Stooges?  The abbreviation for the state of Missouri?

Why is it illegal to have sex with a miner?  They provide us with coal and electricity.  Why can’t they have any fun?

Where can I download a 6ft tall blonde Scandinavian goddess who is down to fuck old balding fat guys?

That alleged meteorite in Russia wasn’t really a meteorite.  It was the arrival of Kal-El, son of Jor-El and Lara Lor-Van from Krypton.

Some of you have been curious how you can be my friend.  Here’s a simple list: message me in caps lock with words like “u” and “ashakhf”, tell me about how biased the news is, not being sarcastic, sending me naked pics, talk dirty, love me, basically how I act.

It’s funny how people complain about gas prices but have no qualms about dropping $5 for a coffee at Starbucks.

I’ve always wondered if Pacman and Ms. Pacman were married or brother and sister.  I have a lot riding on this, namely some fanfic that could be really awesome or really disturbing.

I was secretly hoping that Beyonce would cancel and they’d have to get Bam Margera to perform his hit song “Bend My Dick to the Back of My Ass”

I’ve heard a lot of people are into roleplaying.  I’m wondering if anyone is up for any Bible roleplaying.

If I ever do get married I’m pretty sure my wedding ring will be a donut.

Joe Flacco is negotiating a contract with the Baltimore Ravens.  He was asking for a contract similar to Drew Brees.  After seeing Roger Godell’s new deal, Flacco is asking for Godell money.

They often say, “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”.  I’ve been thinking and come up with the only logical retort: Brunos are from Mars and Freddies are from Mercury.

Did I ever tell you about how I once applied to art school?  I wrote “Remember Hitler?” on the bottom of my application.  It didn’t make them accept me.

The amount of celebrities I would offer my body for carnal relations is astounding.

A kid in geography class pointed at the continent of Africa and asked, “Which one is Urethra?”  I have no hope for the future.

This past Wednesday it was hard to distinguish which people were adherents of Ash Wednesday and which people just got back from a bottle rocket fight.

I went to Burger King today and had to use the bathroom.  The lead singer from Digital Underground was in the bathroom but he was too busy to give me an autograph.

I think I’m officially old. Every time I tell a story it winds up being like some long rambley show on History Channel.

Currently my ideal situation is that I slip into a coma and they make a reality show about me being in a coma and when I wake up I’m filthy rich from my reality show money.

I think the reason I feel so alone is because I’m the only person I know that doesn’t put anything on their cereal.  Even the lactose intolerant guy I know putsj uice on his cereal.  Me, I just go at it raw like other things.  Also I’ve been replacing the milk with wine and the cereal with wine.

How awesome is it that Mississippi finally woke up and joined the19^th century and ratified the Amendment to end slavery this week!

If you ever watch Showgirls on BluRay you’ll be surprised how clear it is.  You can actually seethe moment Elizabeth Berkley’s career died.

I’m trying to grab your attention and by attention I mean boobs.

If I was a porn star and someone approached me and said they were a big fan, I would not shake their hand.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I think internet has destroyed all empathy and sensitivity I’ve ever had and I no longer feel sad when I hear of deaths because so many have been faked.

I have a feeling that in 20 years you’re going to need a bachelor’s degree just to beg on the street.

If Heaven really is like Seven Minutes in Heaven, it’s going to be filled with a lot of sighing girls telling me not to touch them.

I believe in separate but equal when it comes to boobs.

The Mormon Church wanted to baptize victims of the Holocaust including Anne Frank.  Some say that is a huge violation of privacy sort of like reading someone’s diary without their permission.

I once convinced a guy to tattoo his social security number on his back when he was drunk.  He did and now he can’t go to the beach without having his identity stolen.

When I get drunk I act like I’m British…I drive on the left side of the road.

I have always been confused by The Green Lantern.  His ring supposedly projects anything he’s thinking.  Am I really supposed to believe he’s never projected genitals at his enemies?

My dick looks more Jewish than my bank account.

If the terrorists really wanted to make America die they should’ve blown up McDonald’s headquarters or tried to remove the Ten Commandments from a courthouse wall.

I think it may be a good day to wear my Pink Floyd “Wish You Were Here” Speedo to the bar.

Meaningless relationships mean a lot to me.

The dictionary defines a blog as “a shared on-line journal where people can post diary entries about their personal experiences and hobbies”.  I tried that and I lost followers.  OK go look at the boobs again.

They say when you break a bone it grows back stronger.  If that’s the case then I bet my exgirlfriend’s hymen could cut diamonds.

Who needs porn when you have a full body mirror in your bedroom?

I have toyed with the idea of buying my cat a keyboard to lay on while I use the real keyboard.  It probably wouldn’t work.  She’d see through the ruse.

Why would you stay friends with an ex?  It’s like if you get fired from a job, you don’t hang out at the old job to watch others do your work.

I don’t use my power for good or evil.  I just use it to watch TV and mess around on the internet.

When I get home I have my lounging clothes which usually consists of a t-shirt and sweat pants. Well right now I’m in my super lounging clothes.  I take off the pants and fashion them into a cape.

How many friends on Xanga do you need to get on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice?  Probably the same number it takes to get on NBC's The Biggest Loser.

If you heard something through the Xanga grapevine then you probably need a shot of penicillin.

People say I am famous on Xanga.  Does this mean I can go to car dealership openings and cut the ribbon and wear a sash that says “Xanga Famous”?  I may be Xanga famous but remember, folks, I drink two beers at a time just like the rest of you.

I think Adam Sandler’s movie career is sort of like my Xanga.  It got progressively less funny over time until the time it was absolutely pathetic.

I sort of like to say I’m on pretty good terms with everyone here.  I try not to accuse you of trolling because I disagree with your opinion or rate your site EX simply because I have no other logical argument.

Now taking bets as to what the next bit of Xanga drama will be.

When I get few comments on a post I just tell myself that my humor is too sophisticated and then I laugh like a demented hobo for a good minute or two and then I resume my regular Xanga activities.

Everyone keep your February 27^th open so you can come see me sit at home and make dick and fart jokes and complain about Xanga.

Sometimes I feel like the Bernie Madoff of Xanga.

In the end all of us want attention.  Some of us timestamp, some of us beg for comments and recs, and some of us create 40+ accounts and carry on conversations with all our Xanga accounts.

If Xanga has taught me one thing it’s how to blog with one hand while I eat with the other.

Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing if someone made a drunk post or if it was translated by Bing.

I’ve been following some of you so long that I’m so attached to you that I don’t even care what you post anymore.  I just enjoy your presence and personality.  Thanks for being so awesome even when I don’t talk that much anymore. Yeah I’m creepy.

The rumor is true. The 20^th is my birthday.