It was pretty good.

And now it's #caturday

That cat's name is "Money" because there's always money in the banana stand.

I hope everyone has a blessed and relaxing Easter.

I haven't been the most faithful Xangan in the past couple of months.  Life has gotten in the way and Xanga has been all wonky.  I guess I should just let it drop because Xanga will never be like it once was...sigh...now where was I?  Oh yeah, I have quite a few female readers and I've had a few anonymous comments over time regarding my penis size.  I figured I should just show you.

That's my bare cock.  I shaved it and it's all nice and smooth...like I'd just show you all my penis.

In Italian, you don’t really say “I’ll break your face with my cock.”  You say “ti spacco la faccia col mio cazzo,” which is closer to “to you I break the face with the my cock.”  I love that. ”to you I break the face with the my cock.”  My cock breaks a face, the cock of mine breaks the face.  And I do it to you, for you.  I broke a face with my cock to you.  (I found that on Tumblr)

I wear a size 17.  I'm not saying I have a big penis.  I'm saying I'm a clown.

As always

Is that by myself or helped by another person?

Please...let me know

Crap...I forgot Mother's Day

Walmart has all your feminine hygiene needs.

Oh it's on now!

This may be the greatest gif ever created.

I'm all for bacon equality

Those market researchers are so smart

This is pretty much what I think of whenever I hear North Korea threatening America.

Those spices are making my mouth water.

Welp...off to enjoy my Wisconsin paradise.

Oh and rate this post A.  My last post drew EX ratings.  It's so nice that Xanga Team has addressed this issue.  Thanks, Xanga Team.

I need a prescription strength hug right now.  Prescription strength hugs involve the mouth.

Have you ever went to Youtube looking for a song and then found yourself hours later watching Japanese porn stars hula-hooping?  I hope it’s not just me.

There is nothing lower in life than being crippled with depression and then you sit on your balls. But at least that tells me I still have feelings.

I’m pretty old fashioned but I think a girl’s shorts should be longer than her vagina.  I also think a guy’s pants should not be lower than his ass crack.

I’m sort of surprised the porn industry has thrived because who the hell still buys porn?

Who tells the people who make Kidz Bopz that it’s a good idea to make cover songs about sex?

On March 14^th, I hope I wasn’t the only one who misread the holiday name and celebrated Bi Day. And for the other people that misread it I hope I’m not the only one who walked around gingerly on the 15^th with a sense of satisfaction but also utter perplexment.

If you’re such a fan of the new Pope then name 5 of his songs.  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  I was a huge fan of Pope Francis before anyone knew who he was.

I think getting rid of all my emotions would be a good thing and I wouldn’t miss falling in love or being happy ever again.  It’s not like I really remember what they are and it seemed like whenever I experienced those they were always overshadowed by something negative. HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I’m so funny!  LAUGH AT MY MISFORTUNE!

At this point in life, I have nothing or no one to get out of bed for in the morning except oatmeal. I find that there is a social stigmata attached to those who say they eat oatmeal at any time in the day other than at breakfast.

I was in a middle school and apparently the kids have had a running joke that Florida looks like a penis.  And this is why we shouldn’t teach sex ed. in public schools. Parents can do something.

I have a new idea for the fourth season of American Horror Story.  I call it American Horror Story:Photos of You from Middle School.

Skrillex told me to drop the base but it really fucked up my ph balance

When I was in 3^rd grade my teacher liked to make her own Bible History worksheets.  I pointed out two spelling errors she made simply because any word we misspelled we had to add to our weekly list of spelling words on top of what our books already wanted us to learn.  She gave me a stern look and said, “You’re not perfect either, Matthew.”  Is it weird that I’m still not over that?  She also made the boys do push-ups or run laps on the playground if we forgot to put our name on our papers.  The girls she just coddled them.  Talk about privilege.

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need a life story to get a tattoo.  And that really explains a lot of the tattoos I post.

If you don’t think the oppression of the Irish still exists,you better think again, boyo.  St.Patrick’s Day is an elaborate ploy by the U.S. government to get the population inebriated so that Irish heritage is overlooked in favor of uproarious drunkenness.  I’ve woken up,how about you, America?

I’m fine with gay people unless they make out in front of me.  I’m fine with straight people unless they make out in front of me.  Stop making out in front of me.  It makes me feel lonely and self-conscious.

You’re telling me The Jerk Store called and they ran out of me?  That can’t be true because The Jerk Store burned to the ground 15 years ago on this very night.

We all masturbate in the same language…loneliness.

I have a feeling that little girls are going to eventually get fed up with grown men playing with My Little Ponies and calling themselves Bronies.  The girls will then start watching UFC-style shows and post it all over the internet.  Then the UFC girls and Bronies will have one epic showdown on the Internet making it collapse forever leading us to the rise of the antichrist.

Maybe I’m just old but I’ve developed a pet peeve of people letting plastic bags fly around.  It’s like they should put their food condoms in a proper receptacle when they are done with them.

Lana Del Rey did a song about her vagina tasting like Pepsi.  What would happen if it actually did because it contained Pepsi?  What would happen if you put Mentos near her? And if there’s Pepsi, how long will it be before Coca Cola gets a popstar to put Coke in her vagina?

I watched the movie Les Miserables this past weekend.  The problem with this movie is if you say the title wrong then you sound like a douche and if you say the title correctly you still sound like a douche.

There’s a meth lab and marijuana growing lab down the street from me.  I wonder how I contact human resources to see if they have an opening for a part-time job.

I had a friend fill out an application for a new job for me.  I guess my parents and all my teachers were right.  I never apply myself.

I think the real reason why the U.S. is in debt is because the House, Senate, and Obama are buying stuff for Facebook games.

I bet you didn’t remember the Alamo today.

Teenage girls, did you know there are other books in the world besides “Catcher in the Rye”, “Fault in Our Stars”, “Perks of being a Wallflower”, and “Looking for Alaska”?

My favorite Bible verse is the one that says you are condemned for laughing at something or the one about tripping the blind and cursing the deaf.

My feelings towards communism can best be described as negative until I see something I can’t afford but really want.

“What’s your dick like, homie?” –Sylvia Plath

You know it’s sort of interesting that a lot of people find Jesus in prison but I guess Jeezy balls pretty hard.

It’s Topless Tuesday. Send me your photos of convertibles.

I hate arrogant people because I am so much better than them.

Now that it’s spring and will soon be summer it marks my least favorite season of the year…too sweaty to get a b.j. unless I shower season.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

One of the worst things that happens to me when I drink mixed drinks is that my drinks get watered down because of melting ice so what I do is take some nuts and bolts and stick them in the freezer and put those in my drinks instead of icecubes.

My neighbors got a new mailbox and I’m suspicious of their intentions.  This whole episode has really raised a red flag.

I think the reason I shop online is because it gives me about 5 to 7 more business days to stay alive.

My crazy aunt just butt dialed me.  The weird thing is she only has rotary phones because she believes the button dials are a conspiracy to steal DNA and fingerprints.  She’s not well.

I’m upset that my website “Hitlers who look like cats” never took off.

I actually like golf. It’s one of the best sports to play and drink beer while playing just like football, baseball, softball, badminton, and hopscotch.

Guys, if you ever go to a classy place that has a bathroom attendant and you’re alone, tip the attendant $20 to tell everyone that you’re hung like a horse.  Word travels fast and soon you’ll be leaving with multiple women to disappoint in your hotel room.

I will never go to a place that oil changes and lap dances ever again.  They only specialize in one and can’t do the other properly.

You know it’s crazy that parrots can talk and that everything you do in life just leads to an eventual death.

Here’s a shopping tip for single guys, buy healthy food to impress ladies and then have a couple of junk food items so you can tell women that it’s imperative you take care of yourself since you’re a single father.

Suicidal cannibals are full of themselves.

Why do guys worry so much if a girl spits or swallows?  That’s sort of like going to a restaurant and worrying about whether the plates are washed by hand or machine.

I was going to set up an online dating profile for this homeless guy I know.  I don’t want to lie so should I say he’s outdoorsy or super ultra mega outdoorsy?

I need a giant talking rat in my life to teach me how to meditate and do karate.

I’m glad I don’t coach basketball because if I did I’d tell my team to stop shooting baskets once they reached 69 points.  Also my online dating profile says I love traveling but I should be honest and say that I’m just really bad at dribbling.

Have you ever used the handicapped stall in the bathroom and a handicapped person comes in?  What do you do?  I usually crawl on the floor and pretend I lost my wheelchair.

I miss the old days before cell phones, when everyone would just hang out and stare at their landlines.

When I die I want an open casket funeral so that way I can have a tip jar in the casket with me and if you don’t tip me then I’ll come to your house and haunt you.

I just went to McDonald’s for the first time in years and ordered some fries.  There was a McNugget in my fries.  That new pope must be doing something right.  ALL HAIL POPE FRANCIS!

If you asked someone how they got so funny and they answered honestly, you'd never ask that question again.

I got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings this weekend because I was wearing my baseball cap frontwards.

What could be more American than skipping work to day drink while gambling on kids playing a game when they’re supposed to be in class?

I just had an a-ha moment while listening to the song “Take on Me”.

Have you ever had a day so bad that you wished all your fingers were middle fingers?

Some one told me that I post too much here on Xanga.  That’s sort of like telling The Beatles they made too much music.  The only differenceis they made money and had talent and I fail at life.

I think the funniest thing to ever happen on Xanga was have people friend me and then unfriend me in the same day.  I feel like I didn’t have a chance to truly offend them.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, hate someone in a matter of minutes without the hassle of meeting them face to face.

I should really get off Xanga and explore the world but I’m not really a fan of persons, places, or things.

When people go around Xanga and say on posts that they’re offended by something in the post, what they are really saying is “I can’t control my own emotions so you do it for me by censoring what you post.”

I think some people only have Xanga drama to validate their existence.

Xanga proves that there is a fine line between social media and mental illness.

If all you do on Xanga is complain about other people on Xanga then I can’t even imagine what a gem you are in real life.  And I am a hypocrite.

I follow you on Xanga. Will you follow me into war?

You know, it's awesome coming back to Xanga after being gone for some time and seeing that some features don't work.  Way to go!

Well I started drinking at...around 3.  Thought I was going to say earlier, didn't you?  I was supposed to go pick up my dad's car at the dialysis center but I can't drive myself there now can I?  My aunt was supposed to take me but she got into one of her hair-brained schemes and she calls me at 3:30 and so I tell her that I had been up since 7 because that's when I thought we were going and that we can't rightly go now because by the time we get there it would be closed.  We also had to go in and pick up some of my dad's effects.  I started watching an Amish show on National Geographic and thought I'd take a drink every time I heard the word "Amish" but that didn't work out for me.  About 4:30 a friend calls me up and wonders if I want to go to a new bar in town so I went.  It was the bar that was once my family's shoe store.  I sat directly underneath the old shoe store sign that they have mounted on the wall.  The owner said that was fitting and I said, "about 20 some years ago I was sitting right in this spot selling shoes."  I don't think he cared.  The cool thing about this bar is that they got the recipe for a beer that was brewed in town up until the late 50s.  It's so good.  My grandfather always had positive things to say about it.  He even told me stories of how there were German POWs in town and they put them to work at the brewery.  Then after some green pizza and green bread sticks I came home and drank some Hopalicious and watched Dr. Who.  My cats were rather clingy until I realized they were hungry and while I was gone they ate all their food.  Well sober isn't fun so I'll wrap this up...dad's still in the hospital, no clue when he's coming home because a blood test revealed he has an infection somewhere.  Tomorrow is another day but today is #caturday

That is a poorly crafted Dalek

And now for some Irish porn.................

Oh baby...look at them...all naked...so juicy...I just have to eat them all...I want to taste you on my lips for days...so hot!

Sorry I haven't made my replies.  I'll try tomorrow.  In the mean time, do what you do and make me feel validated.

It's been a trying 48 hours.  I'm tired and then all this crap on Xanga...at least someone Xanga Team is answering the concerns but a few weeks short.  Maybe they were upset that their sites got rated EX.  I was tempted to spend my weekend creating multiple accounts to rate my site.  Anyway the EX thing wasn't the worst and I complain when there are so many other things to look at.  For instance I go to put on my Dark Side of the Moon shirt to wear to my doctor's appointment yesterday and I find holes in it.  Then I realized it's from my cat Kiki.  She jumps as high as she can to get on top of my door in my bedroom.  She then uses a shirt to pull herself up the rest of the way.  Why are my shirts on the door?  I have a rack extending so I can air dry my clothes.  I don't like using my dryer to dry my clothes.  I fear shrinkage.  Next I decided to rearrange furniture in my house and it was probably a result of being stressed out over the next bit of news I received today.  Also my dad is in the hospital because he was having breathing problems.  He was at kidney dialysis today and as they were finishing his session he started having troubles breathing.  This isn't unusual because he has issues at the end because they sometimes take off too much fluid and it leaves him cramping and sometimes his chest muscles cramp.  Well this time he started turning blue because he wasn't getting enough oxygen.  The dialysis center isn't connected to the hospital.  It's about a block away so they had to call the paramedics to come get him to take him to the ER.  Then he gets there and he's given breathing treatments and he's improving but not enough so they shipped him off to Madison to a bigger hospital that has a dialysis center inside.  Well this is all interesting because they didn't contact me or my mom.  I got a call from a strange number on my cell but it didn't ring the standard ring and they hung up before I could answer.  My mom said there were no messages on her phone at work or home.  Anyway, she went down to Madison and I guess he has pneumonia and they are going to keep him for a few days.  He may have some other things as well but the doctors have to do some more tests.  I asked him over the phone tonight if he's quit smoking and he started cursing up a storm. 

I think this is the real reason Benny quit.

Apparently Pope Francis was a hidden character.

If his first mass is quirky for quirkness's sake then it's Woody.  I posted this on Facebook and a friend wrote "Does this mean the pope will take an underage Asian girl as a wife?"

You know if there was a RuPope her costumes would be sassy and fabulous.

Habemus Heisenberg!

I went out for a drive a few weekends ago and got up close and personal with some Amish who were hogging the road.

Pretty soon there'll be corn high as an elephant's eye in that field of snow.

Military installations pop out of the forests.  Bennelliman may know where that is.




I captured some photos of the sunset because there were sundogs on both sides.  The one side wasn't as visible as the other.  If a sundog is visible on the north side only that means there's going to be a warm up.  If the sundog is visible only on the south side then that means there'll be a cool down.  It's very accurate.

Yesterday I had my doctor's appointment and I crossed the river to take a drive down the river road in Minnesota and Iowa.  I can't remember if this photo is in Minnesota or Iowa but that's the bluffs of Wisconsin and in between that's the Mississippi.

Here's another shot of Wisconsin's bluffs and the frozen river.

I thought this bluff on the Minnesota side had an interesting shape.  I'm a horrible photographer.

This is one of the bluffs on the Minnesota side that overlooks a small town.

At this point I'm crossing a bridge to get back into Wisconsin.  On this bridge the Mississippi is frozen over.

Now I'm crossing over another bridge.  There's a pretty big island that is half WI and half MN in the river so that explains the two bridges.  Anyway here the river isn't all frozen.

And back home.

Oh Dwayne...help me.

Have a great night and thanks for all the help today.  It's appreciated.  I'll have to write to you all tomorrow.  I think I'm going to watch Dr. Who and then go to bed.

Welcome to my blog which is just a string of stupid things I’ll say until I have sex or die.

Will you marry me? Breathe if you want to get married or lick your elbow if you don’t want to get married.  Studies have shown that only 7% of people say they’ve found their soulmate so that means you should get used to settling and who better to settle for than me.

Now that the desperation is out of the way, I woke up this morning looking forward to offending complete strangers on the internet.  Hope this post works.

Because of rising gold prices, Pony Boy can only stay copper.

Easter time is a perfect time to come to my house to see a display of racial harmony.  My candy jar is filled with black and white jelly beans. They happen to be my least favorite of all jelly beans but it’s nice to see them sitting together in my jar.

Do you ever refuse to go to bed because that means tomorrow won’t happen?

If any kid could get out of ever eating his or her vegetables it’s that kid who was cured of HIV. “Eat your vegetables!”  “No, I beat HIV without the help of broccoli.”

I’m going to make some rich girl a wonderful trophy husband some day but it’s a shame that I’m the consolation prize.

Have you ever looked at someone and became saddened because you knew you’d never get to have sex with them?

I need a six month vacation twice a year.

Pick up line destined for failure: “Did you sit in sugar because you have a sweet ass?”

I am starting a secret porn club.  We are called The Illuminaughty.

I always enjoy it when I’ve written something online and someone corrects my spelling and they do so in an obnoxious way and add the word “hun” to make their correction sting less. Then I realize they spell “hun” incorrectly unless they think I’m a person of the ethnic group closely related to the Xiongnu people who spoke the Turkic language and contributed to the fall of Roman society.

I’ve been playing video games lately and I’ve built my character to have such a positive reputation but I really want to make my character an evil asshole but I’m too nice of person in real life to let that happen in a video game.

I’d like to apologize to all the people here who think I’m awesome or cool and then you talk to me and are disappointed.

How do 14 year olds get pregnant and I can’t even get a girl to give me a high five?

It’s amazing the power teenage girls hold. All you have to do is stand near them and hear them laugh and you’ll feel like shit for days.

When I went to the theater to see The Watchmen I heard the phrase, “Who watches the Watchmen?”  I thought about it and stood up and shouted, “I’m at the theater watching The Watchmen so I watch the Watchmen.”

I hate when people use the word “literally”incorrectly.  I heard someone say that a boy “literally took my breath away and stole my heart”.  I imagined the boy choked that girl and then cut out her heart to sell on the black market.

I’ve never been more disappointed in life then when I found out that a booby trap had nothing to do with boobs.

One of the best financial tips I’ve ever been given was not to spend all my money on Chia Pets.  It was tempting this Christmas when I saw Obama and Romney Chia Pets but I managed to save my money and will use it to buy guns.

I am so sick of hearing everyone talk about Save the Boobies.  Why does everything have to be about birds?

I’ve heard a lot of companies are no longer allowing employees to telecommute.  I have to agree.  I wouldn’t want to pay someone to sit at home and jack off all day.

I guess Rand Paul is a freedom warrior until a woman asks if she can get an abortion without permission from a man.

If I was a therapist I’d have Soulja Boy on retainer so that if one of my clients asked an emotional question like “why did my father abandon me,” I could say, “Soulja Boy, tell ‘em!”

I bet celebrities have to have creative Twitter passwords like potato56woodchuck97timandericareawesome35turkeysandwiches0nosehairs...and now to go test it.

I was curious about what female porn stars do when they have their periods.  Supposedly there is some sort of device they wear that holds back blood. I then found out that female opera stars are given time off during their periods.  Opera stars get time off while porn stars have to work.  I guess porn really is bad after all.

I could never give a girl the love she deserves because my heart belongs to pushing down those little buttons on the plastic lids at fastfood places.

I’m thinking of getting a pair of overalls and I know the yaren’t cool and I know you’re laughing at the thought of me in overalls but I’ll wear the shit out of those overalls and you can kiss my ass but first you’ll have to unbutton my overalls to get to it.

Every time I ride an elevator, I slowly turn and lift my head hoping that you’ll be there when the door opens.  It doesn’t happen.  I think I should stop dreaming and realize I’m going to be alone forever.

I always wish opportunity would knock on my door but it always turns up to be a missionary trying to get me to join their church.

My nude photos will never be released because I’ve never been nude.  I shower in my bathing suit.  I mean, I’m alone.  What happens if I slip and fall in the shower and break my hip and they come looking for me because I don’t show up for something?  Then I’ll be naked and helpless and my rescuers will take photos of me in my naked state.

I wish I had a gospel choir following me around so they could sing back-up whenever I spoke. That would make me at least 500% sassier.

There really is nothing more satisfying in life as taking a block of cheese and biting into it much like one would bite into an apple or an onion.

If the Dream Police are inside my head they better have a search warrant.

The best form of birth control is scattering Legos all over your floor before you go to bed and then waking up in the night and stepping on them.

I figure it’s a good thing that I’m funny because I’m way too unattractive to maintain a social life.

I bought a new hoodie so hopefully I’ll be able to win some rap battles.

You know you’re not a morning person when people say “Good morning” to you and you reply with “Go to hell”.

I’ve tried dieting, exercising, and pills to help me lose weight but I think the thing that has had the best effect is depression.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If porn has taught me anything it’s that I have to hire babysitters when I have no children and that I should become a pizza delivery guy.

Until a girl breaks into my house demanding that we live together for the rest of our lives I can’t be sure if prayer works or if hell exists…one or the other.

I think the hardest part of being white is denying that I enjoy John Denver.

March 17^th is the only day that Applebee’s gets away with serving green meat.  If you see a girl wearing a shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m Irish” the chances are greater that she’ll give you herpes than her actually being Irish.  You don’t have to be Irish to march in a St.Patrick’s Day parade; you just have to be out of your mind.  St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite day of the year to celebrate my drinking problem. And for those keeping score at home, green beer makes your vomit turn blue.

I auditioned to be a sports commentator and they had me announce a basketball game.  They didn’t hire me because I said, “He really should’ve made that” after every single missed shot.

I think the only reason girls take my number and put it in their cellphones is to know when I’m calling so they know when not to answer.

My latest pick-up line not to work: Your inner thighs would look so cute next to my ears.

Never do your taxes after drinking.  I got back $1trillion, an F22, half of Kuwait,and the right to determine who wins the next presidential election.  I guess I’m responsible for bankrupting America.

If you can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your”and “then” and “than” and “an” and “a”, than your a idiot.

I imagine the first person to pull an egg out from under a chicken’s ass and eat it must’ve been really hungry.

If we ever break up I’m changing my Netflix information because there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you entertain someone else for$8 a month.

When I can’t decide between two movies I usually flip a coin and then I decide to watch the other one because I figure the coin was wrong especially if I’m using a Euro.

I’m currently in a very serious relationship.  It’s so serious we don’t even smile.

27 is my 19^th favorite number.

I often wonder if I’m the coolest person in my stained glass class.

I was happy it was Daylight Savings this week because that meant one less hour of soul crushing loneliness.

There are a lot of incriminating looking stains on my bed.  In my defense I ate a box of ice cream sandwiches in bed this weekend.

When I’m teaching I like to start each class by screaming“ED-U-CA-TION!” and then the midi file of U2’s “Elevation” plays and then I take attendance.

The government does not look out for the well being of its citizens.  With the amount of money they spend on buying the Army attack helicopters they could be buying me attack helicopters.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck you should probably see a urologist.

If you can do an imitation of Guy Fieri berating someone and set it to music then you have a Smash Mouth hit song.

I wanted to go see Oz: The Great and Powerful but the theater wouldn’t let me bring in my boombox. I explained that I wanted to play Dark Side of the Moon just in case.

Word on the street is that they are casting a new Cheech and Chong.  I bet when they announce who itis they’ll do like the Catholic Church and there’ll be a lot of white smoke.

There should really be an Anger Management Birds.

I used to have crippling social anxiety. Now I still do, but I play on my phone instead of awkwardly staring at people.

It says it’s 4:20 but it feels like it’s 3:20.

Thanks to masturbation, porn, the internet, and Xanga, life as I once knew it is ruined.  Now, it's entertaining as fuck.

March Madness is always conflicting for me.  I’m not a fan of college basketball but I am a fan of gambling.

Remember that thing I did that made everyone love me?  What was it again?

“No, you should really go out and get some fresh air.  I’ll be here when you get back.” -Xanga

One day I hope to the object of a Xanga crush.  By the way, what happened to Xanga Secrets?  I just hope that crush is good at crushing spiders.

I’ve thought about creating a Bizzaro Xanga where everyone starts off as friends and you try your hardest to scare them off and the person with no friends is the winner.

Only people on Xanga would get involved with a fight over________.  I left it blank so I can use this joke weekly.

Xanga law: Never argue with idiots because they are too dumb to realize they are wrong.  Of course on Xanga both sides think the opposing view is idiotic so I guess that makes everyone who gets involved in Xanga flame wars idiots.

I have a source inside the Sistine Chapel who says that the cardinals have eliminated Eenie and Meenie as potential popes and that they've started playing "duck, duck, pope".

I feel bad for not doing these regularly.  I really do apologize but life and pain have gotten in the way.  I read your answers in the last assignment but I didn't reply to them so everyone gets an A+. 

Here's your next assignment:

A.
  
   Why or why not?

B. 
  

C.
  
  Why or why not?

Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question.  Answer everything for extra credit.

Get to work!

Wow, I haven't done one of these in a month.  I hope you're not rusty, class.

Here's your assignment.

A.
  

B.
 

C. 
  
   Why or why not?

Make sure you answer two of the three questions and that you answer everything in the particular question.  Answer everything for extra credit.

Get to work!

A.  I'm a Pisces.  There are times when I read charts that describe what a Pisces is supposed to be like and sometimes they are spot-on for me but then most of the time they are off and as far as horoscopes go the only one that is trustworthy for me is the one put out by The Onion.

B.  I'd probably go for freshly baked chocolate chip cookies or gasoline.  God I love me the smell of gasoline.

C.  Most definitely because cheating is rampant when they are allowed.

I like my cats, I really do, but if they wake me up once more I think I may have to keep them in a kennel over night or lock them in a specific part of the house.  It's warming up during the day and cooling off drastically at night which means that rodents are seeking refuge indoors.  Thursday night I was just settling down to bed and had on some Dr. Who when all of a sudden Kiki comes bounding into the living room.  She had something in her mouth.  I turn on my lantern and she has a mouse in her mouth.  I try to reach for her but she runs away.  I grab an old cup and head to where Kiki went and then she runs to the other side of the house.  I go there and she runs back.  Finally I cornered her and she dropped the mouse and it went under a rug.  I scooped it up and took it and threw it in my driveway.  It flew past my motion detector and I heard it thud on the driveway and I saw that it was belly up with legs in the air so I figured between my toss and Kiki's teeth it was done for.  Well I finished the Dr. Who and started sleeping.  About 4 hours later I hear this strange noise.  I think one of my cats is next to me and is coughing or choking.  I turn on my lantern and look over.  There is Kiki and Lua batting around a mouse.  The mouse is making this loud huffing noise.  I can't find the cup I used and Kiki picks up the mouse and runs off to another part of the house.  I cornered her in my kitchen and she dropped the thing.  It was cowering in a corner so I scooped it up and threw it outside.  It landed with a thud and set the motion detector off.  Well the first mouse was gone so I figured it ran away or became a meal.  The cats remained on edge for the rest of the night.  Friday night I went to bed right after I finished my round up.  I got about an hour of sleep when I heard my cats digging and crying.  I figured they were stuck in my couch again but they weren't.  They were digging at a spot where I keep my shoes.  Well just Lua was, Kiki was pacing back and forth.  I moved some of the shoes and Lua scooped up a mouse and went running with it.  She dropped it right on my pillow.  I scooped it up in the cup and threw it outside.  I praised her because she doesn't really have a hunting instinct.  I laid back down and just as I shut my light off Kiki comes bounding into the room.  I turn my lantern back on and see she has a mouse in her mouth.  She ran away from me but then came back and dropped it on my pillow.  I scooped it up and threw it outside.  None of the mice were there this afternoon.  I figure the one Lua caught was caught in the kitchen and they had been playing with it and lost it for a while until I moved my shoes.  I also figured they are coming in somewhere in my kitchen, more than likely my dryer vent so I was out in the pouring rain this afternoon patching that up.  They are both currently keeping guard in my kitchen.  One is on one end of the room staring at the dryer and the other is at the other end of the room staring at the dryer.  Nothing will get past them.  Ahhhh... #caturday

I took out the message.  I think a few people got it.

Hi.

Time for the round up.

A promotional poster for the unneeded sequel to Machete, Machete Kills, was released this week.  It features Sofia Vergara using her breasts as a machine gun.  Sigh...I'm in love.  I've also heard Katy Perry has put her machine gun bra back in the closet next to her cupcake bra and isn't planning on making that heavy metal album any time soon.

Selena Gomez is 20 and is getting hotter by the minute.  Now she wants to date an older dude.  I'm single.  She told the New York Post this: "When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch Spurs games.  But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!' So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that would be our thing."  Keep in mind that this quote was taken from Selena's interview for the April issue of Harper's Bazaar and was conducted in an actual Hooters restaurant.  I think I'm going to apply to buy a Hooters franchise and have a special night called "Free Dad Hugs and Unconditional Love and Acceptance Night!  Bring a friend."  Now all I have to do is wait.  Thank you, Mr. Gomez.  A friend close to Selena is saying the reason she wants to date an older man is because she realized it was toxic dating a toddler like Justin Bieber.  Yeah, she called him a toddler.  She's also thought Justin has been very embarrassing since they broke up and he's turned into the kind of person she would never date.  In case you still don't understand how horrible Justin Bieber is, a 20-year old girl didn't want to get pregnant or married. Think about that.

For some reason, Justin Bieber has been running around London wearing a gas mask.  I wonder if it had anything to do with collapsing backstage.  He collapsed because he said he couldn't breathe.  Yet he somehow managed to finish the show and tweet from the hospital afterwards. This, of course, comes two days after he showed up two hours late to another show and the crowd booed him. I'm sure these two have no correlation whatsoever.  After he collapsed backstage he was given oxygen and then he went out and finished the show.  He then went to the hospital and posted this topless photo of himself in bed at the hospital.  Poor guy. He loses his girlfriend, a crowd turns on him, and then he collapses unseen backstage and receives millions of messages for support after going to the hospital and posing for Playgirl. I can't wait until his next show where he rescues a drowning puppy on stage or goes backstage and stops a bank robbery.  I'm sure this is all to garner sympathy because he had such a rotten birthday and posted it on twitter.  I got thinking, would someone fake not being able to breathe jsut to get out of something and then I remembered how much I hated high school gym class with my Vietnam vet P.E. teacher/football coach.  I swear that dude was having flashbacks during practices and started running through the tire course shouting that Charlie would get us.  A paparazzo in London escaped with his life after Bieber threatened to beat him up.  Apparently Bieber bumped into the photographer and the photographer got upset so he said, "Fuck off back to America, fucking little moron."  And of course Justin was flanked by his bodyguards so he acted all tough be screaming, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you."  This paparazzo doesn't know how lucky he is that Justin's bodyguard stepped in. I heard that, after he wakes up every morning, Justin has one of his bodyguards punch him in the face because the taste of blood sends a rush of adrenaline through his body that fuels him for the day. You just don't fuck with maniacs like that.  But honestly no one can put Bieby in a corner.

Rihanna must not watch Law and Order: SVU or read the news because she wants to have a kid with Chris Brown.  Great.  She told a magazine this: "Now that we’re adults we can do this right.  We got a fresh start and I’m thankful for that. Right now that’s just want we want."  She also called their relationship "unbreakable" unlike her bones.  Rihanna is 25 and Chris Brown is 23, so I guess it's technically safe to call them adults, but please keep in mind Rihanna takes pictures of weed and Chris Brown wears sleeveless jean jackets. He also stomped her face in a curb once, so that should be a good bedtime story for the kids.

Miley has really been changing up her hair.  Right now it looks like she has blueberry mold fuzz on her head.  Maybe that's the new style.  I wonder how that will look in her wedding photos.

This is Mia Wasikowska.  She's new to this site.  She's my type of actress.  She's in the new movie Stoker.  She's in one shocking scene where she's shown nude and masturbating in a shower.  Mia claims the fear of taking of her clothes was far worse than when she was actually naked in front of the crew and director.  She explained: "That was the last day of the shoot and I was so angry at them for scheduling it on the last day! We'd been running behind and we only started shooting it at 6pm and shot until 4am but it's the sort of thing where the anticipation is worse than the actual filming of the scene. It felt like it went quite quickly and was all right and almost liberating to find yourself there, taking off your clothes. It's not as bad as anticipating it, I think."  This isn't just advice for anyone who's ever been a personal assistant, waitress, valet driver, delivery boy, barista, or even F-list celebrity -- this is top-level life coach moral code material, and it just happens to be on the godfatherofgreenbay employment application: "Don't look at my eyes, don't try to kiss me on the mouth, but if you let me film you in the shower while you diddle yourself, you're hired." God Bless America, and God Bless Poland (I'm assuming she's Polish because, good God, that name is a mouthful).

Last week I wrote about how Melissa King had to abdicate her crown as Miss Teen Delaware because she appeared in a porn movie.  This week I've found more information.  If you want to bang Miss Teen Delaware all you need is $1500.  That's the amount of money she was paid to do her now infamous porn video and the people at the website GirlsDoPorn.com say she approached them to have sex on camera.  That's a lot of money considering how uninspired she was in the video.  For that kind of money I could get two Russian girls working their summer at a resort in Wisconsin Dells to recreate famous sex scenes from cinema.  I was so bored with that video that I felt like I was watching an Angelina Jolie movie.

Michael Douglas is playing Liberace and Matt Damon is playing Liberace's boyfriend Scott Thorson in an upcoming movie on HBO titled Behind the Candelabra.  Apparently there's plenty of sex scenes between the two of them.  Matt Damon told Entertainment Weekly: "The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take.  We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, 'Well… I have no notes.'"  Well I may watch this because it looks like they're both wearing wigs that were once used on Mama's Family and you all know how much I love Mama's Family.

I really do think Kim Kardashian's stylists are trolling her by giving her clothing that absolutely does not suit her.  And it's going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses because Kim has been told to quit exercising.  Can I say that I'm excited to see how bad they're going to make her look?

Something tells me that Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in health class when she was younger. Actually, that's not fair, Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in any class when she was younger except for gym class but that's only because the teacher liked to watch her run.  Obviously she didn't have my P.E. teacher who would stand in his office looking into the locker room.  His door was a Dutch door so he'd only open the top and watch us change and yell how many minutes were left until the next class.  God I hated that guy.  Jessica was on the Ellen show and said this: "I don't know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window!  We were definitely extremely shocked."  Yeah, a woman who recently had a baby didn't realize that a guy blasting his baby batter inside her could get her pregnant.  I expect this reasoning from some of the younger celebrities out there like Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus but not a 32 year old woman who happens to be the face of a billion dollar tacky fashion empire.  The naive hot chick era ended when her show Newlyweds was canceled.  She should know that the only member of her family that can have unprotected sex and not expect to get pregnant is her dad if you catch my drift.

Venezulean dictator Hugo Chavez died at the age of 58 this week because of cancer or being poisoned by the CIA depending on whom you believe.  Sean Penn is said to be beside himself and is crying that America has lost a friend that they will never know and he's even donning black lace to cover his face for mourning.  And you probably didn't read any of this and were thinking, "OMG a guy with a parrot that's wearing a hat!"

Last week I wrote about how Holly Madison was planning on feasting on her placenta.  Well she will be doing it soon because she gave birth to a baby girl this week.  Apparently she's dating some guy named Pasquale Rotella.  For some reason I thought she was with Criss Angel.  He is a great magician after all.  Making me think he's dating a former Playboy model when he's probably dating the girl who changes the urinal cakes at the Luxor.  I wonder if Holly has to decide on a given name and a stripper name for the birth certificate.  Well it sounds like she killed two birds with one stone.  The baby's name is Rainbow Aurora.  Holly told E! that she picked the name Rainbow because there was a girl in her school that had that name and she liked it.  Well that makes sense since she went to Care Bear Academy.  She probably picked Aurora because that was her favorite Disney princess.  Naming your kid Rainbow Aurora is only okay if you gave birth to a My Little Pony or if you really want your daughter to grow up to be a professional raver or a poodle groomer.

It looks like Stacy Keibler's contract with George Clooney is set to expire and will not be renewed.  Sources close to the couple say the age difference is starting to take it's toll.  She's 33 and he's 51 and she wants to go out and have fun while he wants to stay home and do crossword puzzles.  It's also rumored that all of George's friends hate Stacy as well.  It sounds like Stacy's PR people got to all the gossip outlets first.  It sounds like Clooney has douchebag friends and doesn't want to have any fun until he wants to bang a new replaceable model.  This story is about as expected as me falling asleep in front of the TV with a bunch of Girl Scout cookie crumbs in my chest hair.  Speaking of Girl Scout cookies...I hear the Keebler elves(no relation to Stacy) are churning out cookies that are exactly like Girl Scout cookies.  I'm in heaven.

Elton John is high maintenance and this may be the most ridiculous story I've ever read.  Ahead of shows he would be performing in Brazil, Elton booked hotel rooms for him and one for his sunglasses.  Yes, Sir Elton John booked a separate hotel room just for his sunglasses.  Why?  He wants them kept at a specific temperature and the room was maintained at 60F which is perfect sunglasses temperature.  This seems like another case of too much money and not enough sense.

It took over a year for Ashton Kutcher to file for divorce and it's taken three months for Demi Moore to file her response and she's basically asking for Ashton's PIN.  She claims that Ashton cheated on her before they were separated and she wants Ashton to pay spousal support and pay for all her legal expenses.  Ashton is currently banging Mila Kunis and made $24million in 2012 from his role on Two and a Half Men making him the highest paid actor on TV.  He also made millions more in all his upstart tech investments.  Demi Moore had people call 911 for her and spent time in rehab.  But Ashton stuck his penis in a girl that wasn't Demi so now he has to pay even though Demi's worth more than Ashton. And she deserves it, too. Hell, anyone who's actually had to live with Ashton Kutcher deserves a lot more than money. Purple Heart, maybe?  Back in 2005, Ashton had been contracted to sign autographs at a "Where Are They Now" convention/fish fry in Cazenovia, Wisconsin when he was discovered by Demi. His was a future of endless VH1 cameos and car wash openings until Demi had the good grace to let Ashton finish inside her. Next thing you know, Ashton is a solid D-lister while Demi morphs from starmaker to paint-huffing Hollywood cougar. Ashton absolutely owes Demi 80% of his Two and a Half Men money as well as any money he makes from movies that skip theaters and go directly to the Uzbekistani version of Netflix. 

Courtney Stodden was photographed on her way to film some porn...I mean jog.  My mistake.  She's quite noticeable.  Do you ever look at her and think she looks like Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe, or Brigitte Bardot?  Well Courtney had this to say: "I look back to the pin-up days — Jayne Mansfield, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, and those beautiful iconic women. I want to be an icon and feel like I am. I feel like I’m different, I married young. Those women were old souls, and I feel like I can connect with them. We are both old souls and we’re having fun, and being glamorous and flirty."  It's funny because Courtney looks older than current day Brigitte Bardot.  But then Jayne and Marilyn were married before they turned 18 so maybe she's on to something but more than likely she's just on something.  I know being an icon is a full-time job, but Courtney being an icon isn't her true calling.  She should be a smuggler.  Look at her.  If you pull off her bra a lot of stuff will fall out like 4 other padded bras, Doug's sense of decency, a 6 month prescription to Xanax, a 3 month supply of Valtrex, Courtney's dignity, Courtney's birth certificate, and her mom's Mother of the Year award.  I've already hired her to smuggle me in some Cuban cigars and absinthe.

Earlier this week Charlie Sheen told TMZ that he wants to be Lindsay Lohan's mentor and life coach.  Apparently Charlie is getting the meaning of "mentor" confused with "pimp".  Since he gave her $100,000 for her taxes and a guest role on his show Anger Management he figures he can do all the more to help her.  He can totally be Lindsay's knight in aluminum foil used for smoking crack.  He had this to say: "I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her.  I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film. How ya like me now, America?"  What's the worst that could happen?  After spending 5 minutes with Lindsay, Charlie will snort up all the coke in Los Angeles.  But really, you know you've found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person.  Well the photo is appropriate because Lindsay has told friends who told TMZ that Lindsay doesn't want Charlie to be a mentor or life coach.  She said that even though she knows her life is a wreck she doesn't think Charlie's "takes one to know one" approach is wise.  She doesn't like his continued talking of her in the media and she's currently seeing a therapist and it's helping.  Well she hasn't stabbed anyone lately so I guess the therapy's working.  I'm just sad that we'll probably never see the meltdown to end all meltdowns if they were to get together and Charlie would be her mentor.

Even though I loathe the song "Call Me Maybe" I have to admit that I sort of admire Carly Rae Jepsen.  She was supposed to headline the Boy Scouts of America's Scouting Jamboree along with Train in West Virginia but she told them she wasn't going to perform because of their anti-homosexuality stance.  She tweeted: "As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer... I always have and will continue to support the LGBT community on a global level and stay informed on the ever changing landscape in the ongoing battle for gay rights in this country and across the globe."  I think it's weird that the Boy Scouts are so anti-gay yet they're including her in their performances.  Sort of sending mixed messages out there.  Train has also said that they will pull out if they don't reverse their stance on allowing gays in the Boy Scouts.  I sort of hope Train does perform because it's torturous listening to songs about Jupiter and soul sisters.  I'm thinking the Boy Scouts will replace Carly Rae Jepsen with Victoria Jackson.

Anna Friel is probably best known for two things.  One was starring in the TV show Pushing Daisies and now for sending porn to her dad.  In an upcoming movie she plays the wife of British porn mogul Paul Raymond.  She was researching the role and accidentally included her dad's email on an email that had a nude spread of the person she would be playing.  He emailed her back saying that he thought she was going a bit too far.  That doesn't seem too bad.  It's not like she accidentally sent photos of herself to him.  I once emailed my mom a recipe for a cake and some photos of my cat and now she tells all her friends that I'm dead.  And somewhere Billy Ray Cyrus is crying because he's upset that his daughter never emails him porn.

Abigail and Brittany Hensel turned 23 this week.  They are quite a fascinating story.  I still remember the first time I saw them.  It was just such a weird moment.  I mean how often do you see one body with two heads?  I went to a basketball game for the public school that was about 2 blocks from my house when I was living in Minnesota.  I ran into another teacher from my school and he said there were celebrities in the building and pointed them out.  I was amazed.  I really didn't have any words.  Anyway, they are really nice and you should probably check out their show if TLC still airs it.

Taylor Swift says this in the April 2013 issue of Vanity Fair: "People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that's something you should do."  TMZ reported this on March 6th: "As we reported, Swift purchased a $4.8 million mansion in Hyannis Port, MA next to the Kennedy compound last year while she was dating Conor. But -- shocker -- Taylor and Conor broke up soon after. Now we've learned Swift has flipped the home for a huge profit -- selling the place a couple weeks ago for $5,675,000 ... that's a profit of $875,000 in just a few months."  Taylor Swift dated Conor Kennedy from July 2012 to September 2012. And the house she bought in August 2012 across the street from his grandmother is now sold. In March 2013. It must have been really hard for Taylor to sell this house. It's the longest relationship she's ever had. Hopefully she'll write a song about it.  From October 2008 to right now, Taylor Swift has dated the following people: Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Connor Kennedy, Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, Cory Monteith, Will Anderson, Thomas Odell, Eddie Redmayne, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Lucas Till, Garrett Hedlund, and Justin Gaston. That's 15 dudes. 15. And that's not counting the dudes we don't know about who smiled at her once or told her she was pretty.  Also in this issue of Vanity Fair she fights back against all the criticism because she claims the media has turned her into a character because all of the pictures of her with these dudes are apparently Photoshopped and her songs aren't about every dick she's jumped on.  When asked why she can't keep a boyfriend for over two months:  "I'm sick of the tabloids saying I obsess over guys. Why would you obsess over guys? They don't like it."  When asked about buying a house next to Connor Kennedy after dating him a month: "People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that's something you should do."  And why I'm a sexist: "Everybody in these tabloidy gossipy blogs, they think they have you pegged, like 'Taylor's boy-crazy'...For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her...that's taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist."  When asked about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making fun of her at the Golden Globes: "You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women,' "  So to recap, Taylor Swift isn't clingy or needy and if you say she is you're sexist and if you're a woman and say it you're going to a special place in hell. Which reminds, how many special places in hell are there? Let's all agree to stop using that phrase. Thanks.  Tina Fey and Amy Poehler responded.  Here's what Tina said: "If anyone was going to get mad at us, I thought it would be James Cameron. I did not see that one coming. It was a joke. It was a lighthearted joke."  Here's what Amy said: "Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff."  I don't need to get into how Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have done so much for women in TV and comedy and how much Taylor Swift has done for victimization but remember when Adele won Best Song then Taylor pouted and left the Golden Globes immediately after? No word yet on where she went, but sources say she went to a special part of hell afterparty.  This week Chelsea Handler weighed in on Taylor Swift as well and she has an interesting theory.  She thinks Taylor's a virgin and guys leave her because she's not willing to have sex.  "My theory about Taylor Swift is that she’s a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she’s like, ‘I’m not gonna do it.’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, well, forget it. Then I don’t want to date you.’  Every guy thinks they’re going to devirginize her, and they’re not. She’s never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever."  Now this makes me wonder if the album Red is about losing her virginity.  It's sort of incredible to think about because all these guys did things that only non-famous dudes have to do to get girls in the sack.  Jake Gyllenhaal took her to his family's Thanksgiving dinner.  John Mayer said he wouldn't sleep with any other women.  Harry Styles was British.  Okay, so those might’ve been bad examples, but the point is they all bolted after a few weeks when the sexy time never happened.  I don't know when the right time to have sex in a relationship is.  It's probably when both people feel comfortable with the idea.  But I think girls need to learn that sex is basically what most guys these days look for in a relationship and the sooner that's realized they'll learn they don't need to spend money on weddings and kids or trying to drag a boyfriend to a shitty romantic comedy that makes you think you need to be in love.  "Love" was invented by greeting card companies and is probably nothing more than a 20th century American invention.  Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm alone and realized I haven't had that many dates since 2008. fuck.

Have a great weekend.