Hey look at the big shot who is doing this post two weeks in a row.  I haven't slept for longer than a half hour in the past few days.  I couldn't figure that today was Friday.  I hate it.  I did catch about 30 minutes of sleep at lunch time in my car.  Thankfully a janitor started banging on my window to wake me up.  Now it's time for the round up.

I strive to bring you the highest quality stories and photos for these posts and here is another.  Vanessa Hudgens was spotted leaving her gym this week and she had a very sweaty crotch.  I now hope to get a lot of google search results for "sweaty crotch".  I know I get so many every day for "vagina tattoos".  I also get quite a few searches for "blowjob" from people with the revelife extension.  I hope I get a lot for "sweaty crotch".  My parents are so proud.

The last few months everyone has seemed to dump hate on Anne Hathaway so prepare for some more.  A lot of people claim she's fake and rehearsed and apparently they are correct.  After people criticized her acceptance speeches at the Golden Globes, SAG, and BAFTA award shows, Anne worked for about a month practicing her Oscar acceptance speech.  She said this about the criticism: "It does get to me.  But you have to remember in life that there's a positive to every negative and a negative to every positive."  She tried to be likeable and nice after people made fun of her for being fake?  How evil!  We should take her outside and shoot her. She obviously doesn't deserve to live.

Tom Cruise is so worried that his daughter Suri will be kidnapped that he's hired a body double for her.  Suri is now basically a miniature version of Saddam Hussein except she doesn't use rape and murder as a tool of coercion...or does she?  Some people are claiming that this body double also goes to the same school and when not in public doubling for Suri she is Suri's lone playmate.  And when Suri isn't playing with herself she does go to other children's houses but Tom has to run security checks before she goes anywhere.  There is no clear reason why Tom has increased security around Suri but I have to believe he thinks she is the Savior of Scientology and will defeat the evil lord Xenu.  This is really messed up. Does the mother of the young decoy know that her daughter is there in case a sniper gets lazy? I bet she understands now why Tom and Katie gave Suri's little playmate so many shirts and hats with bulls-eyes on them.  There hasn't been a mother so willing to destroy her children for the sake of money ever since Kris Jenner woke up this morning.

Steven Tyler was spotted out on a date this week with Clint Eastwood's 19 year old daughter Francessca.  And Steven's confused orangutan look is basically what I looked like when I heard that a 64 year old is dating a 19 year old.  The good news with this is that now Clint Eastwood has someone to talk to at Thanksgiving dinner instead of an empty chair.

I've been being a nerd about the new Star Wars movie that I completely forgot about the next installment of The Amazing Spiderman.  I wasn't thrilled with the first but the second sounds like it is going to be a blast mostly because Spiderman will be fighting so many villains.  There are three villains and the third was cast this week.  First, Jamie Foxx was cast to play Electro and of course people threw a shit-fit when they heard that this character would be black.  I don't know why since up until the casting of Foxx no one gave a shit about Electro.  Second, Paul Giamatti was cast to play Rhino, a guy who commits crimes while wearing a rhino costume.  Giamatti said that Rhino was his favorite character as a boy and couldn't believe he wasn't in any of the other movies.  Finally, this week Chris Cooper was cast as Norman Osbourne/Green Goblin.  I hope that this Green Goblin will be different from the glorified Power Ranger Green Goblin in the original movies.  They are taking this story from Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spiderman so that should be good because in that series Green Goblin is fiery and mutated.  The only bad thing is that Spiderman 3 was a failure because they had so many villains and set up for the 4th installment and of course Sam Raimi was fired from Spiderman 4 and the series was rebooted.  When asked about the new Spiderman James Franco said this: "Congrats. Good for them. Sam and I moved on. We made Oz."  Yeah I think I'll go see that Oz movie instead.

TMZ is claiming that Octomom is off the rails again but was she ever truly on the rails to begin with?  They supposedly have a video of her laughing hysterically and rolling around in bed.  After that video was shot she checked herself into rehab.  She has checked herself out but she apparently isn't clean.  TMZ is claiming that she traded the love of pills for the love of ganja.  Her friends claim she's smoking heavily every day and it's turned her into a beast once again.  People are worried she won't be able to be the general of her child army.  Apparently a few weeks ago she called her son's school frantic that he didn't come home.  The school contacted the bus driver who reported that he saw Octomom pick up her child at the bus stop himself.  The weed has really eaten her brain if she can't remember picking up her son from the bus stop and didn't think of checking his room where he was the whole time.  If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I'd have a bong permanently strapped to my face and I'd lose them all the time. A week wouldn't go by without me saying, "Hey, where's number 5?  Did I leave him at the post office or did I trade him to Uppgrayed for some of this Maui Wowee.  Holy shit this shit is the bomb!  Hey, number 6, can you drive?"  And that is why I don't have kids.

Despite numerous comparison photos and videos floating around the web, Nicki Minaj is claiming that she is completely organic and that she's never went under the plastic surgeon's knife.  She said this: "I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup."  Let me fix that: "I've had surgery on my boobs, butt, nose, eyes, ears, salivary ducts, teeth, and all other parts listed on Wikipedia's page of the human anatomy.  Look at RuPaul's Drag Race and see that those drag queens look more natural than I do.  When people look at me they think that I'm all sorts of crazy and have had all sorts of plastic surgery." 

This is Melissa King.  She is the former Miss Teen Delaware.  She had to resign from her position this week because a porn video featuring her surfaced.  Three months after she turned 18 she needed money so she shot a porno.  Apparently whoring yourself for money is worse than whoring yourself for money AND a crown.  This is a bunch of bullshit. Nowhere in the pageant rules does it say that a contestant can't sit on a bed for an interview, get on her knees and give a man oral sex, have sex with that man in the doggystyle position, get on top of the same man in the cowgirl position, and then give the man more oral sex before he finally ejaculates onto her face. You know, I'm just saying IF she had done all that in this so-called scene that she shot that I definitely haven't seen because porn objectifies women.  She's already been offered a more lucrative job of being a spokesperson for the website YouPorn.com.  They want her to be Miss YouPorn and will give her $250,000 to tour the world promoting the website and the good news is that there is no mention of having to have sex on camera.  To research this story, I watched the video three times then I got sleepy before I had a chance to make a sandwich. But it's pretty clear from the video that this chick was basically waiting for this dude to finish so she could go pay off some bills. I don't know, but Melissa King seems like the only responsible adult in this story.  If you want to see the video and do your own research, here you go.

Every so often I run across a story for my celebrity round up that is so heartbreaking that it makes me question humanity itself.  This is one such story.  Kirsten Dunst was at a stylist salon this week to prepare for a trip to a fashion show in Paris next week when she was overheard talking about how she wasn't happy with the details of the trip.  She said she had to travel in business class and not first class and that she'd have to wear designer clothing of designers she didn't care for.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I, like every other person with a penis, enjoyed seeing her nipples in the Spiderman movie but that was a decade ago.  She belongs in business class with the rest of the hoi poloi.  She should have to fly on standby and use Walmart clothes until she makes some good movies.

According to Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian is having a baby girl.  I mean, according to Us Weekly, Kim Kardashian is having a baby girl.  According to Kris Jenner, Kris Jenner would never betray a family secret for money.  Kim's been buying dresses for the baby and she is really excited.  This is a dream come true for me and Kris Jenner.  With her cross-promotional expertise, I can only imagine how excited Kris got when she started calculating all the potential endorsement deals and TV specials.  We already know that Kim's up for anything, so child-whoring is not off the table.  Expect the Kardashian Klan Kompany to feature these new products: Victoria's Toddler's Secrets, Fisher Price's "My First Oopsie Cam", Valtrex flavored juice boxes, and Spermicide flavored Jolly Ranchers.  I should trademark those before Kris Jenner gets any ideas.

This week it was announced that Kathy Bates would be joining the cast of American Horror Story.  There are a lot of rumors floating around that the next season will be called American Horror Story: Salem but I have not seen anything from the company about what the topic would be.  Something I do notice about Ryan Murphy productions is that his female characters are treated horribly but the fact is that his female actors have some of the biggest and best roles in TV.  Murphy has said that Bates will be a villain to Jessica Lange's hero.  He has said that it will be set in modern times and will be historical and will focus on witches.  It will also be funnier compared to the other seasons.  I'm very anxious for to see how this plays out.

Looks like it's time to change Justin Bieber's diaper.  He also got a new tattoo this week.  It's a letter X on his left arm.  People say the X is supposed to symbolize his Christian faith and is merely a cross on an angle.  He also had another bad break this week.  He was turned away from a nightclub in Manchester UK this week.  He supposedly wanted to do the shuffling dance popularized by LMFAO but the club turned him away because they were sure the serious dancers would be offended by Justin's spastic movements.  The club's Twitter posted this statement: "Yes the rumours are true, we turned Justin Bieber away. He shuffles on stage and we can't be having that in Sankeys now can we."  I'm thankful our friends in Britain are untangling the web of bullshit the world has been spinning for years.  England was way ahead of the curb on the fact that Hitler was a tool, and they totally nailed the awesomeness of the Spice Girls -- now those limeys are hitting a bullseye with this Justin Bieber nonsense.  Last week Justin was a shirtless, bird-chested tool riding segways into clubs.  This week Justin Bieber is a shirtless, bird-chested tool NOT riding a segway into a club.  Great job, UK, now if you can just take back Russell Brand, we can forget all about how you guys polluted our pristine Boston Harbor with your shitty Earl Grey tea.

Jennifer Lawrence has been everywhere lately.  She's been winning Oscars, talking on talkshows, being in movies, visiting Hawaii wearing sweatpants, hugging a girl, smoking weed, drinking wine, hugging that same girl all over again.  She is such a hot commodity.  The Daily Mail reports: "Jennifer Lawrence has been seen on holiday in Hawaii enjoying a suspicious rolled up cigarette. In revealing pictures the newly anointed Oscar-winning actress is seen clasping a fat roll up in her fingers and a bottle of wine. And in other pictures that have emerged the 22-year-old can clearly be seen taking a draw on the roll up. It's not clear if she was indeed smoking marijuana - but the actress is not known to be a smoker - and if the young starlet does have a penchant for the weed, it may explain her propensity for stumbling. Jennifer, 22, is in Hawaii with a female friend who she was seen hugging as they sat on the balcony together. The Hunger Games star wrapped herself up in a grey blanket, over a grey T-shirt and sweat pants."  This, of course, will make women love Jennifer Lawrence more because, she's "real". And she doesn't seem "fake". And she's not "super skinny". And she "looks just as horrific as I do without makeup on".  And she "likes wine" and "I like wine, too". And "I hate Anne Hathaway".

And now it's time for everyone's favorite topic on the Celebrity Round Up...pregnancy and placenta eating.  This is the perfect time for me to go get that leftover steak and tear into it.  Holly Madison is expecting her baby daughter any day now and according to her blog, she wants to eat her placenta.  I was thinking she'd turn it into jerky or a margarita but she's planning on having it converted into pills.  At first I thought it sounded gross to swallow placenta but then I realized she probably had worse things in her mouth considering she dated Hugh Hefner.  Here's her blog: "This might sound gross, but I’m totally planning on having my placenta turned into pills I can take after giving birth. I heard it helps women recover faster and I want to recover as quickly as I can!  Have any other moms out there done this?  xoxo, Holly"  January Jones said that even though she regrets telling everyone about it, she was happy she ingested her placenta: "I should never have told anyone about that. But it’s not gross or witchcrafty. Nor am I putting it in a shake or eating it raw. It’s a very civilised thing that can help women with depression or fatigue. I was never depressed or sad or down after the baby was born, so I’d highly suggest it to any pregnant woman."  So is this really a thing?  Has anyone hear ingested their placenta?  Does anyone plan on ingesting your placenta?  If so I have an idea for a little something called Placentaburger Helper.  Shit, I have to trademark that before Kris Jenner gets her hands on it.  But seriously, has anyone done that?  IS it considered cannibalism even if it comes from your own body?

Sad news everyone, Girls Gone Wild is now Girls Gone Bankrupt.  The real sad news is that the people at GGW say they will continue to go on business as usual because they're just filing for protection.  Girls Gone Wild has ALWAYS bothered me. It has crossed the line of pedophilia several times. Getting drunk girls to bare their chests is just creepy – I don’t care what anyone says.  It's no wonder the company is bankrupt.  Have you ever seen what Tumblr has to offer?  How about girls on Xanga baring all for charity?  I remember watching the late night infomercials and in 5 minutes you basically see the whole tape.  One of my college friends bought the series after a night at the bar and we watched, it's not really that exciting unless girls being taken advantage of is your thing.

JWoww showed off her side boob and proved that her breast enlargement surgery was performed by Dr. Frankenstein or maybe that's Fronk-en-steen.

Bernadette Peters turned 65 this week.  I love her.  I really love her.  She was so good in The Jerk and Silent Movie.  Such a funny lady.

Michael Bolton turned 60 this week.  I never got what his appeal was.  He always had ladies dropping their panties.  Then I try to sing and I get cease and desist letters.

And if the ladies didn't drop their panties for Michael Bolton they're gone for Carrot Top.  He turned 48 this week.  I am shocked that this guy is still around.  He hasn't been in any movie where he didn't play himself since 2000.  I did see him at a casino and the best thing about his show was when I got there early he had a video playing on the stage of animals doing it.  That was so much funnier than his act.  Oh well...did the Carrot Top do anything for you? 

Are you looking for work?  Do you enjoy sex?  Would you be ok with having sex on camera in front of strangers?  Well Vivid Entertainment is making a parody of a movie that wasn't released yet.  They are making a parody of The Canyons and rumor has it that it's going be more of a parody of the making of the movie.  The movie will be called The Canyons XXX because that's' totally the thing in porn today.  The Lindsay Lohan character is a much sought after role in the porn community so it's probably a good thing that she didn't set the bar too high.  Since she's already getting paid to have sex, Lindsay probably won't audition for this, but if you see a chick in line in a black wig named Mindsay Mohan, drop a bag of coke on the ground. Then wait. When the wig falls off when she dives for it, you might be able to get Lindsay's autograph.  Lindsay is also doing great and by "doing great" I mean "weeks away from needing a liver transplant".  People are worried about her partying every night and getting fall down drag out drunk every night at clubs.  This is getting sad. Lindsay Lohan clearly has a problem, but doesn't have anyone in her life who cares like I do.  The people she surrounds herself with are just as good as her mom when it comes to having no natural nurturing abilities.  Well, I care, and millions of your fans care. I'm willing do do whatever it takes to keep you alive...until 2014 when I can take you in my celebrity death pool. 

In some good news for Lindsay, she's got a new job.  Charlie Sheen already gave Lindsay $100,000 to help pay the IRS but they still want another $56,000 so Lindsay probably called Charlie asking for money and he said she had to work for the rest so she probably got a bunch of latex gloves, Crisco, bananas, yogurt, midgets, speculums, and a cigar smoking monkey to go pay Charlie a visit.  Well that's not the type of work Charlie had in mind...this time.  He wants her to work on his TV show Anger Management.  In an episode that will supposedly air this April, Lindsay will appear as the hardest character she's ever played...herself.  She will supposedly seek out therapy from Charlie's character and then they'll end up in bed together.  That's so tired.  That's the plot of most every TV show.  Opposite characters end up screwing each other.  It's also interesting that this will be the second time they'll be in bed together on film unless you count private videos.  The last thing we need to see is Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan having sex.  Save that for American Horror Story.  They are the Tracy and Hepburn of our generation.

Taylor Swift recently told InStyle: "If I’m gonna write songs about my exes they can write songs about me. That’s how it works. I’m not gonna complain about it. I’m not gonna sit there and say, 'I’m the only one who can write songs about this relationship.' It’s fair game."  Uhoh.  I kind of wish all her exes would do this but there's not a lot of hit songs about handjobs.  If you have ever played an instrument look out because she will want to date you.  Apparently a friend of Taylor's has said that Taylor has stated she wants to date some of the members of The Lumineers.  God she's really sinking low.  She went from someone with a lot of hits like John Mayer to some flavor of the months like One Direction and The Lumineers.  Set your sights higher, girl.  Go after a founded musician.  Does anyone know if Keith Richards is single?  Does anyone know if Keith Richards is alive?  I've finally figured this girl out. Taylor Swift is a fame dishwasher, meaning anyone who gets a moderate amount of Google mentions can drop loads into her. This behavior is strange considering that Taylor's been famous for long enough that she can stop being a groupie -- not that I'm judging her.  It would bother me if she dated all the Lumineers, including the chick.  I'd probably pay to see that leaked video.  But before she goes to The Lumineers she's probably banging Ed Sheeran in the meantime and by "banging" I mean "talking about ponies and stickers and blankets and Disney princesses".  Since she can't have Harry Styles she's going to the next best thing, his best friend Ed Sheeran.  Apparently they spent the night together before an awards show in Britain.  They claim they spent the night talking about how to fix the world's problems.  #1. Taylor becomes a nun.  Taylor Swift is one of those chicks who just can't be alone and needs constant male attention.  I wonder how long it will be before they make her vagina the U.S. embassy of Great Britain.  I think this relationship is meant to be because Ed looks like a hobbit and Taylor looks like an elvish princess.  It's like all that dirty Lord of the Rings fanfic is coming to life.

I was going to do a story about Dancing with the Stars new cast but I seriously only know two or three of the cast.  I think the title is so misleading.  They need some stars and since when is Andy Dick a star...other than at gloryholes around Hollywood.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.