Someone accused me of being perverted.  You want me to be less perverted?  Well marry me or arrange a marriage for me.  Marriage will suck the life right out of me.

With all these fools getting catfished lately it’s really hard for people to take my Nigerian princess girlfriend seriously.

You come into this world screaming and covered in someone else’s blood.  I wonder how many people are willing to leave the world that way.

If you ever think you’re really lazy just remember the ancient Greeks believed their gods lived on top of mountains yet no one climbed those mountains to double check.

We live in a pretty rotten society when we shame people for having too much sex and not having sex at all.

I wonder when people will learn that the duckface is not attractive.  Probably as soon as they learn to settle differences amicably.

A nice slap on the butt never hurt anyone…except Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton and probably a lot of others.

I was playing a video game the other night and it told me to press start.  Being a nonconformist I pressed the triangle button.  Nothing happened so I became a sheep and pressed start. I am a conformist just like liquid.

I watched an old James Bond movie and his gadgets didn’t seem that impressive given all the things we can do with cellphones these days.

Q is just like the letter O except without a dick.

You know it’s OK to send me nudes.  I need them for art class.

I put out a fresh bowl of M&M’s for Eminem since March is “I Think I’m Black History Month”.

If I was given the option, I would put most of my penis in some of you and some of my penis in most of you but all of my penis in none of you and all of my penis in none of you.

If anyone ever tells you to stop putting Parmesan cheese on your pasta then you should stop talking to them because you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Have you ever looked at someone and wanted to lick them?  That’s about where I’m at in my life right now.

I’ve always wondered why nipples and areolas are so important.  You can show all the boob you want but show a bit of areola or nipple then all hell breaks loose.

Netflix is making their own TV series.  Regular TV has become obsolete.

It’s funny how the Twilight series came out and it was such a big deal but as the movies came out there was less and less enthusiasm.  Now the last DVD is out and no one really cares.  I guess 50 Shades of Grey was good for something after all.

It would be so nice if I could solve all my problems with ctrl+alt+del but, alas, life is not a Windows operating system.

If pro is good and con is bad then prostitution is good and the constitution is bad.  Let’s get on this, America!

You should really get over yourself.  If you were a dog all your education would be useless.

I sort of feel embarrassed telling people I’m between popes at the moment.

I hear a lot of people talking about spirit animals.  What is a spirit animal?  I always assumed it was some sort of animal but then all these teenage girls say Holden Caufield is their spirit animal.  If you can call people your spirit animal then I declare mine as Boutros Boutros-Ghali or George “The Animal” Steele.

I am such a slut in my dreams that I feel shame.

I wish I was in the military and married so that when they shipped me off via train my wife could give me a dramatic kiss while I’m hanging my head out the train window and then as the train lurches forward she runs with it and then she waves bye as we gather speed and pull out of station and then a week later she fucks the neighbor.

I wish I could tell people that I enjoy reading and writing without them thinking I’m a self-important piss fucker that feeds off Starbucks and Mumford & Sons.

A friend of mine told me that a group of unicorns is called a blessing.  I replied, “A group of unicorns is called a NOT FUCKING REAL!”

What if the reason peaches have fuzz on them is because they were made to be petted and domesticated and not eaten?

What I look for in a girl: the ability to spin her head around 360 degrees, eight limbs because I like ants, no make-up, no eyes, no skin, the music taste of a 73 year old Canadian man, being able to lift you legs behind your head, smelling like rotten milk and roses, knowing the secret KFC recipe.

I’ve got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that’s about to die at any second in a society run by money that I can’t escape is one of them.

I’ve got 98.7563498 problems and rounding up to the nearest whole number is one.

I’m surprised we haven’t switched to the metric system because it makes penis sizes sound more impressive.

I love how people have Yahoo and Facebook connected.  I love knowing that they read articles about child molestation daily.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

We should make Shakira our president because she would never lie.  At least her hips wouldn’t lie.

I actually enjoy Facebook now that they let you translate statuses in French, Spanish, Klingon, Latin or any other trendy language.  Too bad they don’t have one for high school aged ignorant person.

Scientists discovered last week that the rain is actually God crying after listening to Bon Iver.

I want to open up a video game arcade and call it “The Jungle”.  This way I can hire Axl Rose to be the greeter since he has nothing better to do and he can greet every customer with “Welcome to the jungle, we got your fun and games.”

If I spent as much time getting a girlfriend as I do thinking about fried cheese curds, I’d have at least 10 wives by now.

I can’t believe no one is complaining about how homophobic Pepsi and Coke machines are.  I try to insert my dollar and it rejects it because it isn’t “straight”.

I hear single girls push their biological clocks an hour forward on Daylight Savings Time.

Did you know “Disney magic” is actually LSD?

The Beatles once sang “All You Need is Love”.  I really do want love but I think all I want is sex but all I have is porn.

I’m thinking that one day a teenager is going to have his dick ripped off by a vacuum cleaner and from then on there will be very graphic and specific warnings on vacuum cleaners.

I will never be threatened by a vibrator because no vibrator will go to the store and by tampons or help look for lost car keys or serve you breakfast in bed when you are sick.

People say I’m ignorant. I’m not, I’m American.  There is a difference, mostly in spelling.

Girls, if a guy has ever looked at you from across the room and stared in your eyes it means he wants to have sex.  Girls, if a guy looks at you, period, it means he wants to have sex.

I think if I ever have kids I’ll yell at them about how hard my life was when I was a kid and instead of saying “When I was your age I had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow,” I’ll say, “When I was your age I had to play Gameboy in black and white and that was all there was.”

“Sooth.  Sooth.  Sooth. Sooth.  Sooth.  SOOTH!” -a soothsayer.

I like to sign up for porn sites with my college email account.

I sink into my new bed like it’s a cloud.  It’s not one of those Tempur-pedic mattresses; it’s just an air mattress with a hole in it.

Since my cats are ordained ministers and conduct services in my house, I wonder if I have to pay property taxes…fingers crossed.

Isn’t it awesome we have giant sneeze guards on our cars?  It would be even better if they had wipers on the inside.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species.  Homophobia is only found in two.  We need to eliminate the Peruvian fag-hating bat.

I think it was awesome that Congress didn’t let a pressing economic crisis get in the way of their dick measuring contest.  It’s times like these when all Americans need to join hands and work together to bring our country out of this hole.  If you need anyone to film your breasts while on spring break let me know.

I’ve been reading about this new celebrity reality contest where celebrities are in a diving contest and that comedian Louie Anderson will be diving from three stories.  I think I may start watching reality TV again.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is an exploration of sanity,sexuality, and the soul, for those who have too much of one and not enough of the others.

I think some of you should take your real life as seriously as you take Xanga.

New Xanga drinking game: take a shot every time someone accuses another person of being a troll.

I wonder how many Xangans are able to function in the world because they seem like if they go outside they’d be offended by a blade of grass…but then I’m just begging to start Xanga drama because they probably don’t have grass in their lawns.

Xanga is the only addiction that makes you feel better when you don’t use it.

I call all of my friends on Xanga “the minions of darkness”.  I think that classifies me as a cult leader.  Tax exempt status here I come…again.

New age children’s song, “If you’re bitter and you know it,make a Xanga!  If you’re bitter and you know it, make a Xanga!  If you’re bitter and you know and really want to show it, make a Xanga and rate everyone EX!”

People get so worked up over the dumbest shit on Xanga.  You should seriously get over yourself and goon a contemplative walk while listening to Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind”.

Xanga is pretty good proof that the only thing holding people back from being unnecessarily hostile and malicious is an excuse to do it, even if its a bad one

My mission on Xanga is not complete until I destroy Scientology, a major professional sports league or Xanga itself.

I just learned that you can’t say “piss fucker” on the internet.  If you do the CIA and FBI will be notified and then they will send a drone and you will be ki