Hi.

Time for the round up.

A promotional poster for the unneeded sequel to Machete, Machete Kills, was released this week.  It features Sofia Vergara using her breasts as a machine gun.  Sigh...I'm in love.  I've also heard Katy Perry has put her machine gun bra back in the closet next to her cupcake bra and isn't planning on making that heavy metal album any time soon.

Selena Gomez is 20 and is getting hotter by the minute.  Now she wants to date an older dude.  I'm single.  She told the New York Post this: "When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch Spurs games.  But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!' So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that would be our thing."  Keep in mind that this quote was taken from Selena's interview for the April issue of Harper's Bazaar and was conducted in an actual Hooters restaurant.  I think I'm going to apply to buy a Hooters franchise and have a special night called "Free Dad Hugs and Unconditional Love and Acceptance Night!  Bring a friend."  Now all I have to do is wait.  Thank you, Mr. Gomez.  A friend close to Selena is saying the reason she wants to date an older man is because she realized it was toxic dating a toddler like Justin Bieber.  Yeah, she called him a toddler.  She's also thought Justin has been very embarrassing since they broke up and he's turned into the kind of person she would never date.  In case you still don't understand how horrible Justin Bieber is, a 20-year old girl didn't want to get pregnant or married. Think about that.

For some reason, Justin Bieber has been running around London wearing a gas mask.  I wonder if it had anything to do with collapsing backstage.  He collapsed because he said he couldn't breathe.  Yet he somehow managed to finish the show and tweet from the hospital afterwards. This, of course, comes two days after he showed up two hours late to another show and the crowd booed him. I'm sure these two have no correlation whatsoever.  After he collapsed backstage he was given oxygen and then he went out and finished the show.  He then went to the hospital and posted this topless photo of himself in bed at the hospital.  Poor guy. He loses his girlfriend, a crowd turns on him, and then he collapses unseen backstage and receives millions of messages for support after going to the hospital and posing for Playgirl. I can't wait until his next show where he rescues a drowning puppy on stage or goes backstage and stops a bank robbery.  I'm sure this is all to garner sympathy because he had such a rotten birthday and posted it on twitter.  I got thinking, would someone fake not being able to breathe jsut to get out of something and then I remembered how much I hated high school gym class with my Vietnam vet P.E. teacher/football coach.  I swear that dude was having flashbacks during practices and started running through the tire course shouting that Charlie would get us.  A paparazzo in London escaped with his life after Bieber threatened to beat him up.  Apparently Bieber bumped into the photographer and the photographer got upset so he said, "Fuck off back to America, fucking little moron."  And of course Justin was flanked by his bodyguards so he acted all tough be screaming, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you."  This paparazzo doesn't know how lucky he is that Justin's bodyguard stepped in. I heard that, after he wakes up every morning, Justin has one of his bodyguards punch him in the face because the taste of blood sends a rush of adrenaline through his body that fuels him for the day. You just don't fuck with maniacs like that.  But honestly no one can put Bieby in a corner.

Rihanna must not watch Law and Order: SVU or read the news because she wants to have a kid with Chris Brown.  Great.  She told a magazine this: "Now that we’re adults we can do this right.  We got a fresh start and I’m thankful for that. Right now that’s just want we want."  She also called their relationship "unbreakable" unlike her bones.  Rihanna is 25 and Chris Brown is 23, so I guess it's technically safe to call them adults, but please keep in mind Rihanna takes pictures of weed and Chris Brown wears sleeveless jean jackets. He also stomped her face in a curb once, so that should be a good bedtime story for the kids.

Miley has really been changing up her hair.  Right now it looks like she has blueberry mold fuzz on her head.  Maybe that's the new style.  I wonder how that will look in her wedding photos.

This is Mia Wasikowska.  She's new to this site.  She's my type of actress.  She's in the new movie Stoker.  She's in one shocking scene where she's shown nude and masturbating in a shower.  Mia claims the fear of taking of her clothes was far worse than when she was actually naked in front of the crew and director.  She explained: "That was the last day of the shoot and I was so angry at them for scheduling it on the last day! We'd been running behind and we only started shooting it at 6pm and shot until 4am but it's the sort of thing where the anticipation is worse than the actual filming of the scene. It felt like it went quite quickly and was all right and almost liberating to find yourself there, taking off your clothes. It's not as bad as anticipating it, I think."  This isn't just advice for anyone who's ever been a personal assistant, waitress, valet driver, delivery boy, barista, or even F-list celebrity -- this is top-level life coach moral code material, and it just happens to be on the godfatherofgreenbay employment application: "Don't look at my eyes, don't try to kiss me on the mouth, but if you let me film you in the shower while you diddle yourself, you're hired." God Bless America, and God Bless Poland (I'm assuming she's Polish because, good God, that name is a mouthful).

Last week I wrote about how Melissa King had to abdicate her crown as Miss Teen Delaware because she appeared in a porn movie.  This week I've found more information.  If you want to bang Miss Teen Delaware all you need is $1500.  That's the amount of money she was paid to do her now infamous porn video and the people at the website GirlsDoPorn.com say she approached them to have sex on camera.  That's a lot of money considering how uninspired she was in the video.  For that kind of money I could get two Russian girls working their summer at a resort in Wisconsin Dells to recreate famous sex scenes from cinema.  I was so bored with that video that I felt like I was watching an Angelina Jolie movie.

Michael Douglas is playing Liberace and Matt Damon is playing Liberace's boyfriend Scott Thorson in an upcoming movie on HBO titled Behind the Candelabra.  Apparently there's plenty of sex scenes between the two of them.  Matt Damon told Entertainment Weekly: "The scene where I’m behind him and going at him, we did that in one take.  We do it. Cut. There’s a long pause. And then you just hear Steven go, 'Well… I have no notes.'"  Well I may watch this because it looks like they're both wearing wigs that were once used on Mama's Family and you all know how much I love Mama's Family.

I really do think Kim Kardashian's stylists are trolling her by giving her clothing that absolutely does not suit her.  And it's going to get worse as the pregnancy progresses because Kim has been told to quit exercising.  Can I say that I'm excited to see how bad they're going to make her look?

Something tells me that Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in health class when she was younger. Actually, that's not fair, Jessica Simpson didn't do too well in any class when she was younger except for gym class but that's only because the teacher liked to watch her run.  Obviously she didn't have my P.E. teacher who would stand in his office looking into the locker room.  His door was a Dutch door so he'd only open the top and watch us change and yell how many minutes were left until the next class.  God I hated that guy.  Jessica was on the Ellen show and said this: "I don't know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window!  We were definitely extremely shocked."  Yeah, a woman who recently had a baby didn't realize that a guy blasting his baby batter inside her could get her pregnant.  I expect this reasoning from some of the younger celebrities out there like Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus but not a 32 year old woman who happens to be the face of a billion dollar tacky fashion empire.  The naive hot chick era ended when her show Newlyweds was canceled.  She should know that the only member of her family that can have unprotected sex and not expect to get pregnant is her dad if you catch my drift.

Venezulean dictator Hugo Chavez died at the age of 58 this week because of cancer or being poisoned by the CIA depending on whom you believe.  Sean Penn is said to be beside himself and is crying that America has lost a friend that they will never know and he's even donning black lace to cover his face for mourning.  And you probably didn't read any of this and were thinking, "OMG a guy with a parrot that's wearing a hat!"

Last week I wrote about how Holly Madison was planning on feasting on her placenta.  Well she will be doing it soon because she gave birth to a baby girl this week.  Apparently she's dating some guy named Pasquale Rotella.  For some reason I thought she was with Criss Angel.  He is a great magician after all.  Making me think he's dating a former Playboy model when he's probably dating the girl who changes the urinal cakes at the Luxor.  I wonder if Holly has to decide on a given name and a stripper name for the birth certificate.  Well it sounds like she killed two birds with one stone.  The baby's name is Rainbow Aurora.  Holly told E! that she picked the name Rainbow because there was a girl in her school that had that name and she liked it.  Well that makes sense since she went to Care Bear Academy.  She probably picked Aurora because that was her favorite Disney princess.  Naming your kid Rainbow Aurora is only okay if you gave birth to a My Little Pony or if you really want your daughter to grow up to be a professional raver or a poodle groomer.

It looks like Stacy Keibler's contract with George Clooney is set to expire and will not be renewed.  Sources close to the couple say the age difference is starting to take it's toll.  She's 33 and he's 51 and she wants to go out and have fun while he wants to stay home and do crossword puzzles.  It's also rumored that all of George's friends hate Stacy as well.  It sounds like Stacy's PR people got to all the gossip outlets first.  It sounds like Clooney has douchebag friends and doesn't want to have any fun until he wants to bang a new replaceable model.  This story is about as expected as me falling asleep in front of the TV with a bunch of Girl Scout cookie crumbs in my chest hair.  Speaking of Girl Scout cookies...I hear the Keebler elves(no relation to Stacy) are churning out cookies that are exactly like Girl Scout cookies.  I'm in heaven.

Elton John is high maintenance and this may be the most ridiculous story I've ever read.  Ahead of shows he would be performing in Brazil, Elton booked hotel rooms for him and one for his sunglasses.  Yes, Sir Elton John booked a separate hotel room just for his sunglasses.  Why?  He wants them kept at a specific temperature and the room was maintained at 60F which is perfect sunglasses temperature.  This seems like another case of too much money and not enough sense.

It took over a year for Ashton Kutcher to file for divorce and it's taken three months for Demi Moore to file her response and she's basically asking for Ashton's PIN.  She claims that Ashton cheated on her before they were separated and she wants Ashton to pay spousal support and pay for all her legal expenses.  Ashton is currently banging Mila Kunis and made $24million in 2012 from his role on Two and a Half Men making him the highest paid actor on TV.  He also made millions more in all his upstart tech investments.  Demi Moore had people call 911 for her and spent time in rehab.  But Ashton stuck his penis in a girl that wasn't Demi so now he has to pay even though Demi's worth more than Ashton. And she deserves it, too. Hell, anyone who's actually had to live with Ashton Kutcher deserves a lot more than money. Purple Heart, maybe?  Back in 2005, Ashton had been contracted to sign autographs at a "Where Are They Now" convention/fish fry in Cazenovia, Wisconsin when he was discovered by Demi. His was a future of endless VH1 cameos and car wash openings until Demi had the good grace to let Ashton finish inside her. Next thing you know, Ashton is a solid D-lister while Demi morphs from starmaker to paint-huffing Hollywood cougar. Ashton absolutely owes Demi 80% of his Two and a Half Men money as well as any money he makes from movies that skip theaters and go directly to the Uzbekistani version of Netflix. 

Courtney Stodden was photographed on her way to film some porn...I mean jog.  My mistake.  She's quite noticeable.  Do you ever look at her and think she looks like Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe, or Brigitte Bardot?  Well Courtney had this to say: "I look back to the pin-up days — Jayne Mansfield, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, and those beautiful iconic women. I want to be an icon and feel like I am. I feel like I’m different, I married young. Those women were old souls, and I feel like I can connect with them. We are both old souls and we’re having fun, and being glamorous and flirty."  It's funny because Courtney looks older than current day Brigitte Bardot.  But then Jayne and Marilyn were married before they turned 18 so maybe she's on to something but more than likely she's just on something.  I know being an icon is a full-time job, but Courtney being an icon isn't her true calling.  She should be a smuggler.  Look at her.  If you pull off her bra a lot of stuff will fall out like 4 other padded bras, Doug's sense of decency, a 6 month prescription to Xanax, a 3 month supply of Valtrex, Courtney's dignity, Courtney's birth certificate, and her mom's Mother of the Year award.  I've already hired her to smuggle me in some Cuban cigars and absinthe.

Earlier this week Charlie Sheen told TMZ that he wants to be Lindsay Lohan's mentor and life coach.  Apparently Charlie is getting the meaning of "mentor" confused with "pimp".  Since he gave her $100,000 for her taxes and a guest role on his show Anger Management he figures he can do all the more to help her.  He can totally be Lindsay's knight in aluminum foil used for smoking crack.  He had this to say: "I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her.  I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film. How ya like me now, America?"  What's the worst that could happen?  After spending 5 minutes with Lindsay, Charlie will snort up all the coke in Los Angeles.  But really, you know you've found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person.  Well the photo is appropriate because Lindsay has told friends who told TMZ that Lindsay doesn't want Charlie to be a mentor or life coach.  She said that even though she knows her life is a wreck she doesn't think Charlie's "takes one to know one" approach is wise.  She doesn't like his continued talking of her in the media and she's currently seeing a therapist and it's helping.  Well she hasn't stabbed anyone lately so I guess the therapy's working.  I'm just sad that we'll probably never see the meltdown to end all meltdowns if they were to get together and Charlie would be her mentor.

Even though I loathe the song "Call Me Maybe" I have to admit that I sort of admire Carly Rae Jepsen.  She was supposed to headline the Boy Scouts of America's Scouting Jamboree along with Train in West Virginia but she told them she wasn't going to perform because of their anti-homosexuality stance.  She tweeted: "As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer... I always have and will continue to support the LGBT community on a global level and stay informed on the ever changing landscape in the ongoing battle for gay rights in this country and across the globe."  I think it's weird that the Boy Scouts are so anti-gay yet they're including her in their performances.  Sort of sending mixed messages out there.  Train has also said that they will pull out if they don't reverse their stance on allowing gays in the Boy Scouts.  I sort of hope Train does perform because it's torturous listening to songs about Jupiter and soul sisters.  I'm thinking the Boy Scouts will replace Carly Rae Jepsen with Victoria Jackson.

Anna Friel is probably best known for two things.  One was starring in the TV show Pushing Daisies and now for sending porn to her dad.  In an upcoming movie she plays the wife of British porn mogul Paul Raymond.  She was researching the role and accidentally included her dad's email on an email that had a nude spread of the person she would be playing.  He emailed her back saying that he thought she was going a bit too far.  That doesn't seem too bad.  It's not like she accidentally sent photos of herself to him.  I once emailed my mom a recipe for a cake and some photos of my cat and now she tells all her friends that I'm dead.  And somewhere Billy Ray Cyrus is crying because he's upset that his daughter never emails him porn.

Abigail and Brittany Hensel turned 23 this week.  They are quite a fascinating story.  I still remember the first time I saw them.  It was just such a weird moment.  I mean how often do you see one body with two heads?  I went to a basketball game for the public school that was about 2 blocks from my house when I was living in Minnesota.  I ran into another teacher from my school and he said there were celebrities in the building and pointed them out.  I was amazed.  I really didn't have any words.  Anyway, they are really nice and you should probably check out their show if TLC still airs it.

Taylor Swift says this in the April 2013 issue of Vanity Fair: "People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that's something you should do."  TMZ reported this on March 6th: "As we reported, Swift purchased a $4.8 million mansion in Hyannis Port, MA next to the Kennedy compound last year while she was dating Conor. But -- shocker -- Taylor and Conor broke up soon after. Now we've learned Swift has flipped the home for a huge profit -- selling the place a couple weeks ago for $5,675,000 ... that's a profit of $875,000 in just a few months."  Taylor Swift dated Conor Kennedy from July 2012 to September 2012. And the house she bought in August 2012 across the street from his grandmother is now sold. In March 2013. It must have been really hard for Taylor to sell this house. It's the longest relationship she's ever had. Hopefully she'll write a song about it.  From October 2008 to right now, Taylor Swift has dated the following people: Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Connor Kennedy, Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, Cory Monteith, Will Anderson, Thomas Odell, Eddie Redmayne, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Lucas Till, Garrett Hedlund, and Justin Gaston. That's 15 dudes. 15. And that's not counting the dudes we don't know about who smiled at her once or told her she was pretty.  Also in this issue of Vanity Fair she fights back against all the criticism because she claims the media has turned her into a character because all of the pictures of her with these dudes are apparently Photoshopped and her songs aren't about every dick she's jumped on.  When asked why she can't keep a boyfriend for over two months:  "I'm sick of the tabloids saying I obsess over guys. Why would you obsess over guys? They don't like it."  When asked about buying a house next to Connor Kennedy after dating him a month: "People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. Like that makes sense, like that's something you should do."  And why I'm a sexist: "Everybody in these tabloidy gossipy blogs, they think they have you pegged, like 'Taylor's boy-crazy'...For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her...that's taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist."  When asked about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making fun of her at the Golden Globes: "You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women,' "  So to recap, Taylor Swift isn't clingy or needy and if you say she is you're sexist and if you're a woman and say it you're going to a special place in hell. Which reminds, how many special places in hell are there? Let's all agree to stop using that phrase. Thanks.  Tina Fey and Amy Poehler responded.  Here's what Tina said: "If anyone was going to get mad at us, I thought it would be James Cameron. I did not see that one coming. It was a joke. It was a lighthearted joke."  Here's what Amy said: "Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff."  I don't need to get into how Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have done so much for women in TV and comedy and how much Taylor Swift has done for victimization but remember when Adele won Best Song then Taylor pouted and left the Golden Globes immediately after? No word yet on where she went, but sources say she went to a special part of hell afterparty.  This week Chelsea Handler weighed in on Taylor Swift as well and she has an interesting theory.  She thinks Taylor's a virgin and guys leave her because she's not willing to have sex.  "My theory about Taylor Swift is that she’s a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she’s like, ‘I’m not gonna do it.’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, well, forget it. Then I don’t want to date you.’  Every guy thinks they’re going to devirginize her, and they’re not. She’s never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever."  Now this makes me wonder if the album Red is about losing her virginity.  It's sort of incredible to think about because all these guys did things that only non-famous dudes have to do to get girls in the sack.  Jake Gyllenhaal took her to his family's Thanksgiving dinner.  John Mayer said he wouldn't sleep with any other women.  Harry Styles was British.  Okay, so those might’ve been bad examples, but the point is they all bolted after a few weeks when the sexy time never happened.  I don't know when the right time to have sex in a relationship is.  It's probably when both people feel comfortable with the idea.  But I think girls need to learn that sex is basically what most guys these days look for in a relationship and the sooner that's realized they'll learn they don't need to spend money on weddings and kids or trying to drag a boyfriend to a shitty romantic comedy that makes you think you need to be in love.  "Love" was invented by greeting card companies and is probably nothing more than a 20th century American invention.  Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm alone and realized I haven't had that many dates since 2008. fuck.

Have a great weekend.