Welcome to my blog which is just a string of stupid things I’ll say until I have sex or die.

Will you marry me? Breathe if you want to get married or lick your elbow if you don’t want to get married.  Studies have shown that only 7% of people say they’ve found their soulmate so that means you should get used to settling and who better to settle for than me.

Now that the desperation is out of the way, I woke up this morning looking forward to offending complete strangers on the internet.  Hope this post works.

Because of rising gold prices, Pony Boy can only stay copper.

Easter time is a perfect time to come to my house to see a display of racial harmony.  My candy jar is filled with black and white jelly beans. They happen to be my least favorite of all jelly beans but it’s nice to see them sitting together in my jar.

Do you ever refuse to go to bed because that means tomorrow won’t happen?

If any kid could get out of ever eating his or her vegetables it’s that kid who was cured of HIV. “Eat your vegetables!”  “No, I beat HIV without the help of broccoli.”

I’m going to make some rich girl a wonderful trophy husband some day but it’s a shame that I’m the consolation prize.

Have you ever looked at someone and became saddened because you knew you’d never get to have sex with them?

I need a six month vacation twice a year.

Pick up line destined for failure: “Did you sit in sugar because you have a sweet ass?”

I am starting a secret porn club.  We are called The Illuminaughty.

I always enjoy it when I’ve written something online and someone corrects my spelling and they do so in an obnoxious way and add the word “hun” to make their correction sting less. Then I realize they spell “hun” incorrectly unless they think I’m a person of the ethnic group closely related to the Xiongnu people who spoke the Turkic language and contributed to the fall of Roman society.

I’ve been playing video games lately and I’ve built my character to have such a positive reputation but I really want to make my character an evil asshole but I’m too nice of person in real life to let that happen in a video game.

I’d like to apologize to all the people here who think I’m awesome or cool and then you talk to me and are disappointed.

How do 14 year olds get pregnant and I can’t even get a girl to give me a high five?

It’s amazing the power teenage girls hold. All you have to do is stand near them and hear them laugh and you’ll feel like shit for days.

When I went to the theater to see The Watchmen I heard the phrase, “Who watches the Watchmen?”  I thought about it and stood up and shouted, “I’m at the theater watching The Watchmen so I watch the Watchmen.”

I hate when people use the word “literally”incorrectly.  I heard someone say that a boy “literally took my breath away and stole my heart”.  I imagined the boy choked that girl and then cut out her heart to sell on the black market.

I’ve never been more disappointed in life then when I found out that a booby trap had nothing to do with boobs.

One of the best financial tips I’ve ever been given was not to spend all my money on Chia Pets.  It was tempting this Christmas when I saw Obama and Romney Chia Pets but I managed to save my money and will use it to buy guns.

I am so sick of hearing everyone talk about Save the Boobies.  Why does everything have to be about birds?

I’ve heard a lot of companies are no longer allowing employees to telecommute.  I have to agree.  I wouldn’t want to pay someone to sit at home and jack off all day.

I guess Rand Paul is a freedom warrior until a woman asks if she can get an abortion without permission from a man.

If I was a therapist I’d have Soulja Boy on retainer so that if one of my clients asked an emotional question like “why did my father abandon me,” I could say, “Soulja Boy, tell ‘em!”

I bet celebrities have to have creative Twitter passwords like potato56woodchuck97timandericareawesome35turkeysandwiches0nosehairs...and now to go test it.

I was curious about what female porn stars do when they have their periods.  Supposedly there is some sort of device they wear that holds back blood. I then found out that female opera stars are given time off during their periods.  Opera stars get time off while porn stars have to work.  I guess porn really is bad after all.

I could never give a girl the love she deserves because my heart belongs to pushing down those little buttons on the plastic lids at fastfood places.

I’m thinking of getting a pair of overalls and I know the yaren’t cool and I know you’re laughing at the thought of me in overalls but I’ll wear the shit out of those overalls and you can kiss my ass but first you’ll have to unbutton my overalls to get to it.

Every time I ride an elevator, I slowly turn and lift my head hoping that you’ll be there when the door opens.  It doesn’t happen.  I think I should stop dreaming and realize I’m going to be alone forever.

I always wish opportunity would knock on my door but it always turns up to be a missionary trying to get me to join their church.

My nude photos will never be released because I’ve never been nude.  I shower in my bathing suit.  I mean, I’m alone.  What happens if I slip and fall in the shower and break my hip and they come looking for me because I don’t show up for something?  Then I’ll be naked and helpless and my rescuers will take photos of me in my naked state.

I wish I had a gospel choir following me around so they could sing back-up whenever I spoke. That would make me at least 500% sassier.

There really is nothing more satisfying in life as taking a block of cheese and biting into it much like one would bite into an apple or an onion.

If the Dream Police are inside my head they better have a search warrant.

The best form of birth control is scattering Legos all over your floor before you go to bed and then waking up in the night and stepping on them.

I figure it’s a good thing that I’m funny because I’m way too unattractive to maintain a social life.

I bought a new hoodie so hopefully I’ll be able to win some rap battles.

You know you’re not a morning person when people say “Good morning” to you and you reply with “Go to hell”.

I’ve tried dieting, exercising, and pills to help me lose weight but I think the thing that has had the best effect is depression.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If porn has taught me anything it’s that I have to hire babysitters when I have no children and that I should become a pizza delivery guy.

Until a girl breaks into my house demanding that we live together for the rest of our lives I can’t be sure if prayer works or if hell exists…one or the other.

I think the hardest part of being white is denying that I enjoy John Denver.

March 17^th is the only day that Applebee’s gets away with serving green meat.  If you see a girl wearing a shirt that says “Kiss me, I’m Irish” the chances are greater that she’ll give you herpes than her actually being Irish.  You don’t have to be Irish to march in a St.Patrick’s Day parade; you just have to be out of your mind.  St. Patrick’s Day is my favorite day of the year to celebrate my drinking problem. And for those keeping score at home, green beer makes your vomit turn blue.

I auditioned to be a sports commentator and they had me announce a basketball game.  They didn’t hire me because I said, “He really should’ve made that” after every single missed shot.

I think the only reason girls take my number and put it in their cellphones is to know when I’m calling so they know when not to answer.

My latest pick-up line not to work: Your inner thighs would look so cute next to my ears.

Never do your taxes after drinking.  I got back $1trillion, an F22, half of Kuwait,and the right to determine who wins the next presidential election.  I guess I’m responsible for bankrupting America.

If you can’t tell the difference between “you’re” and “your”and “then” and “than” and “an” and “a”, than your a idiot.

I imagine the first person to pull an egg out from under a chicken’s ass and eat it must’ve been really hungry.

If we ever break up I’m changing my Netflix information because there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you entertain someone else for$8 a month.

When I can’t decide between two movies I usually flip a coin and then I decide to watch the other one because I figure the coin was wrong especially if I’m using a Euro.

I’m currently in a very serious relationship.  It’s so serious we don’t even smile.

27 is my 19^th favorite number.

I often wonder if I’m the coolest person in my stained glass class.

I was happy it was Daylight Savings this week because that meant one less hour of soul crushing loneliness.

There are a lot of incriminating looking stains on my bed.  In my defense I ate a box of ice cream sandwiches in bed this weekend.

When I’m teaching I like to start each class by screaming“ED-U-CA-TION!” and then the midi file of U2’s “Elevation” plays and then I take attendance.

The government does not look out for the well being of its citizens.  With the amount of money they spend on buying the Army attack helicopters they could be buying me attack helicopters.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck you should probably see a urologist.

If you can do an imitation of Guy Fieri berating someone and set it to music then you have a Smash Mouth hit song.

I wanted to go see Oz: The Great and Powerful but the theater wouldn’t let me bring in my boombox. I explained that I wanted to play Dark Side of the Moon just in case.

Word on the street is that they are casting a new Cheech and Chong.  I bet when they announce who itis they’ll do like the Catholic Church and there’ll be a lot of white smoke.

There should really be an Anger Management Birds.

I used to have crippling social anxiety. Now I still do, but I play on my phone instead of awkwardly staring at people.

It says it’s 4:20 but it feels like it’s 3:20.

Thanks to masturbation, porn, the internet, and Xanga, life as I once knew it is ruined.  Now, it's entertaining as fuck.

March Madness is always conflicting for me.  I’m not a fan of college basketball but I am a fan of gambling.

Remember that thing I did that made everyone love me?  What was it again?

“No, you should really go out and get some fresh air.  I’ll be here when you get back.” -Xanga

One day I hope to the object of a Xanga crush.  By the way, what happened to Xanga Secrets?  I just hope that crush is good at crushing spiders.

I’ve thought about creating a Bizzaro Xanga where everyone starts off as friends and you try your hardest to scare them off and the person with no friends is the winner.

Only people on Xanga would get involved with a fight over________.  I left it blank so I can use this joke weekly.

Xanga law: Never argue with idiots because they are too dumb to realize they are wrong.  Of course on Xanga both sides think the opposing view is idiotic so I guess that makes everyone who gets involved in Xanga flame wars idiots.

I have a source inside the Sistine Chapel who says that the cardinals have eliminated Eenie and Meenie as potential popes and that they've started playing "duck, duck, pope".