I need a prescription strength hug right now.  Prescription strength hugs involve the mouth.

Have you ever went to Youtube looking for a song and then found yourself hours later watching Japanese porn stars hula-hooping?  I hope it’s not just me.

There is nothing lower in life than being crippled with depression and then you sit on your balls. But at least that tells me I still have feelings.

I’m pretty old fashioned but I think a girl’s shorts should be longer than her vagina.  I also think a guy’s pants should not be lower than his ass crack.

I’m sort of surprised the porn industry has thrived because who the hell still buys porn?

Who tells the people who make Kidz Bopz that it’s a good idea to make cover songs about sex?

On March 14^th, I hope I wasn’t the only one who misread the holiday name and celebrated Bi Day. And for the other people that misread it I hope I’m not the only one who walked around gingerly on the 15^th with a sense of satisfaction but also utter perplexment.

If you’re such a fan of the new Pope then name 5 of his songs.  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  I was a huge fan of Pope Francis before anyone knew who he was.

I think getting rid of all my emotions would be a good thing and I wouldn’t miss falling in love or being happy ever again.  It’s not like I really remember what they are and it seemed like whenever I experienced those they were always overshadowed by something negative. HAHAHAHAHAHA!  I’m so funny!  LAUGH AT MY MISFORTUNE!

At this point in life, I have nothing or no one to get out of bed for in the morning except oatmeal. I find that there is a social stigmata attached to those who say they eat oatmeal at any time in the day other than at breakfast.

I was in a middle school and apparently the kids have had a running joke that Florida looks like a penis.  And this is why we shouldn’t teach sex ed. in public schools. Parents can do something.

I have a new idea for the fourth season of American Horror Story.  I call it American Horror Story:Photos of You from Middle School.

Skrillex told me to drop the base but it really fucked up my ph balance

When I was in 3^rd grade my teacher liked to make her own Bible History worksheets.  I pointed out two spelling errors she made simply because any word we misspelled we had to add to our weekly list of spelling words on top of what our books already wanted us to learn.  She gave me a stern look and said, “You’re not perfect either, Matthew.”  Is it weird that I’m still not over that?  She also made the boys do push-ups or run laps on the playground if we forgot to put our name on our papers.  The girls she just coddled them.  Talk about privilege.

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need a life story to get a tattoo.  And that really explains a lot of the tattoos I post.

If you don’t think the oppression of the Irish still exists,you better think again, boyo.  St.Patrick’s Day is an elaborate ploy by the U.S. government to get the population inebriated so that Irish heritage is overlooked in favor of uproarious drunkenness.  I’ve woken up,how about you, America?

I’m fine with gay people unless they make out in front of me.  I’m fine with straight people unless they make out in front of me.  Stop making out in front of me.  It makes me feel lonely and self-conscious.

You’re telling me The Jerk Store called and they ran out of me?  That can’t be true because The Jerk Store burned to the ground 15 years ago on this very night.

We all masturbate in the same language…loneliness.

I have a feeling that little girls are going to eventually get fed up with grown men playing with My Little Ponies and calling themselves Bronies.  The girls will then start watching UFC-style shows and post it all over the internet.  Then the UFC girls and Bronies will have one epic showdown on the Internet making it collapse forever leading us to the rise of the antichrist.

Maybe I’m just old but I’ve developed a pet peeve of people letting plastic bags fly around.  It’s like they should put their food condoms in a proper receptacle when they are done with them.

Lana Del Rey did a song about her vagina tasting like Pepsi.  What would happen if it actually did because it contained Pepsi?  What would happen if you put Mentos near her? And if there’s Pepsi, how long will it be before Coca Cola gets a popstar to put Coke in her vagina?

I watched the movie Les Miserables this past weekend.  The problem with this movie is if you say the title wrong then you sound like a douche and if you say the title correctly you still sound like a douche.

There’s a meth lab and marijuana growing lab down the street from me.  I wonder how I contact human resources to see if they have an opening for a part-time job.

I had a friend fill out an application for a new job for me.  I guess my parents and all my teachers were right.  I never apply myself.

I think the real reason why the U.S. is in debt is because the House, Senate, and Obama are buying stuff for Facebook games.

I bet you didn’t remember the Alamo today.

Teenage girls, did you know there are other books in the world besides “Catcher in the Rye”, “Fault in Our Stars”, “Perks of being a Wallflower”, and “Looking for Alaska”?

My favorite Bible verse is the one that says you are condemned for laughing at something or the one about tripping the blind and cursing the deaf.

My feelings towards communism can best be described as negative until I see something I can’t afford but really want.

“What’s your dick like, homie?” –Sylvia Plath

You know it’s sort of interesting that a lot of people find Jesus in prison but I guess Jeezy balls pretty hard.

It’s Topless Tuesday. Send me your photos of convertibles.

I hate arrogant people because I am so much better than them.

Now that it’s spring and will soon be summer it marks my least favorite season of the year…too sweaty to get a b.j. unless I shower season.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

One of the worst things that happens to me when I drink mixed drinks is that my drinks get watered down because of melting ice so what I do is take some nuts and bolts and stick them in the freezer and put those in my drinks instead of icecubes.

My neighbors got a new mailbox and I’m suspicious of their intentions.  This whole episode has really raised a red flag.

I think the reason I shop online is because it gives me about 5 to 7 more business days to stay alive.

My crazy aunt just butt dialed me.  The weird thing is she only has rotary phones because she believes the button dials are a conspiracy to steal DNA and fingerprints.  She’s not well.

I’m upset that my website “Hitlers who look like cats” never took off.

I actually like golf. It’s one of the best sports to play and drink beer while playing just like football, baseball, softball, badminton, and hopscotch.

Guys, if you ever go to a classy place that has a bathroom attendant and you’re alone, tip the attendant $20 to tell everyone that you’re hung like a horse.  Word travels fast and soon you’ll be leaving with multiple women to disappoint in your hotel room.

I will never go to a place that oil changes and lap dances ever again.  They only specialize in one and can’t do the other properly.

You know it’s crazy that parrots can talk and that everything you do in life just leads to an eventual death.

Here’s a shopping tip for single guys, buy healthy food to impress ladies and then have a couple of junk food items so you can tell women that it’s imperative you take care of yourself since you’re a single father.

Suicidal cannibals are full of themselves.

Why do guys worry so much if a girl spits or swallows?  That’s sort of like going to a restaurant and worrying about whether the plates are washed by hand or machine.

I was going to set up an online dating profile for this homeless guy I know.  I don’t want to lie so should I say he’s outdoorsy or super ultra mega outdoorsy?

I need a giant talking rat in my life to teach me how to meditate and do karate.

I’m glad I don’t coach basketball because if I did I’d tell my team to stop shooting baskets once they reached 69 points.  Also my online dating profile says I love traveling but I should be honest and say that I’m just really bad at dribbling.

Have you ever used the handicapped stall in the bathroom and a handicapped person comes in?  What do you do?  I usually crawl on the floor and pretend I lost my wheelchair.

I miss the old days before cell phones, when everyone would just hang out and stare at their landlines.

When I die I want an open casket funeral so that way I can have a tip jar in the casket with me and if you don’t tip me then I’ll come to your house and haunt you.

I just went to McDonald’s for the first time in years and ordered some fries.  There was a McNugget in my fries.  That new pope must be doing something right.  ALL HAIL POPE FRANCIS!

If you asked someone how they got so funny and they answered honestly, you'd never ask that question again.

I got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings this weekend because I was wearing my baseball cap frontwards.

What could be more American than skipping work to day drink while gambling on kids playing a game when they’re supposed to be in class?

I just had an a-ha moment while listening to the song “Take on Me”.

Have you ever had a day so bad that you wished all your fingers were middle fingers?

Some one told me that I post too much here on Xanga.  That’s sort of like telling The Beatles they made too much music.  The only differenceis they made money and had talent and I fail at life.

I think the funniest thing to ever happen on Xanga was have people friend me and then unfriend me in the same day.  I feel like I didn’t have a chance to truly offend them.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, hate someone in a matter of minutes without the hassle of meeting them face to face.

I should really get off Xanga and explore the world but I’m not really a fan of persons, places, or things.

When people go around Xanga and say on posts that they’re offended by something in the post, what they are really saying is “I can’t control my own emotions so you do it for me by censoring what you post.”

I think some people only have Xanga drama to validate their existence.

Xanga proves that there is a fine line between social media and mental illness.

If all you do on Xanga is complain about other people on Xanga then I can’t even imagine what a gem you are in real life.  And I am a hypocrite.

I follow you on Xanga. Will you follow me into war?

You know, it's awesome coming back to Xanga after being gone for some time and seeing that some features don't work.  Way to go!