A few weeks ago I posted a tattoo that had someone saying that they didn't know that specific tattoo was a thing.  It turns out it is.  I never quite understood the idea of an inner-lip tattoo because no one will see it.  Well I decided that since it was brought up I'd share a bunch I've had sitting around on my computer.  I'll present them without comment because I want you to let it sink in that people had this work done and paid money for it and this is the only way their tattoos will be seen...by pulling their lips down.

"I <3 PBR"

"Internet"







They all say "Glee"



Cheaper than wedding rings...okay so I commented




"Demi Lovato"


"Poopsex"

"Sore Lips"

I also want to take this time to apologize for not being around here much.  I am actually getting sick of something on Xanga.  It's the ratings system.  I come here daily and see people complaining that they've been rated EX and that now people can't view their pages.  I also dislike hearing that in order for people to view pages that have been maliciously rated EX they have to make a photocopy of their driver's license to fax into Xanga.  Where is Xanga in all of this?  Silent.  I wonder if they're expecting us to solve these problems for them.  Maybe the site should just become like Tumblr where they have no rating system and if a page is NSFW then the person who maintains it marks it as such and if not their page is closed by the staff.  Maybe we should all rate everything EX and thus destroy Xanga and all go to Tumblr.  Well have a good night, hopefully this won't get rated EX.  Thanks for maintaining the silence.

Someone accused me of being perverted.  You want me to be less perverted?  Well marry me or arrange a marriage for me.  Marriage will suck the life right out of me.

With all these fools getting catfished lately it’s really hard for people to take my Nigerian princess girlfriend seriously.

You come into this world screaming and covered in someone else’s blood.  I wonder how many people are willing to leave the world that way.

If you ever think you’re really lazy just remember the ancient Greeks believed their gods lived on top of mountains yet no one climbed those mountains to double check.

We live in a pretty rotten society when we shame people for having too much sex and not having sex at all.

I wonder when people will learn that the duckface is not attractive.  Probably as soon as they learn to settle differences amicably.

A nice slap on the butt never hurt anyone…except Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton and probably a lot of others.

I was playing a video game the other night and it told me to press start.  Being a nonconformist I pressed the triangle button.  Nothing happened so I became a sheep and pressed start. I am a conformist just like liquid.

I watched an old James Bond movie and his gadgets didn’t seem that impressive given all the things we can do with cellphones these days.

Q is just like the letter O except without a dick.

You know it’s OK to send me nudes.  I need them for art class.

I put out a fresh bowl of M&M’s for Eminem since March is “I Think I’m Black History Month”.

If I was given the option, I would put most of my penis in some of you and some of my penis in most of you but all of my penis in none of you and all of my penis in none of you.

If anyone ever tells you to stop putting Parmesan cheese on your pasta then you should stop talking to them because you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Have you ever looked at someone and wanted to lick them?  That’s about where I’m at in my life right now.

I’ve always wondered why nipples and areolas are so important.  You can show all the boob you want but show a bit of areola or nipple then all hell breaks loose.

Netflix is making their own TV series.  Regular TV has become obsolete.

It’s funny how the Twilight series came out and it was such a big deal but as the movies came out there was less and less enthusiasm.  Now the last DVD is out and no one really cares.  I guess 50 Shades of Grey was good for something after all.

It would be so nice if I could solve all my problems with ctrl+alt+del but, alas, life is not a Windows operating system.

If pro is good and con is bad then prostitution is good and the constitution is bad.  Let’s get on this, America!

You should really get over yourself.  If you were a dog all your education would be useless.

I sort of feel embarrassed telling people I’m between popes at the moment.

I hear a lot of people talking about spirit animals.  What is a spirit animal?  I always assumed it was some sort of animal but then all these teenage girls say Holden Caufield is their spirit animal.  If you can call people your spirit animal then I declare mine as Boutros Boutros-Ghali or George “The Animal” Steele.

I am such a slut in my dreams that I feel shame.

I wish I was in the military and married so that when they shipped me off via train my wife could give me a dramatic kiss while I’m hanging my head out the train window and then as the train lurches forward she runs with it and then she waves bye as we gather speed and pull out of station and then a week later she fucks the neighbor.

I wish I could tell people that I enjoy reading and writing without them thinking I’m a self-important piss fucker that feeds off Starbucks and Mumford & Sons.

A friend of mine told me that a group of unicorns is called a blessing.  I replied, “A group of unicorns is called a NOT FUCKING REAL!”

What if the reason peaches have fuzz on them is because they were made to be petted and domesticated and not eaten?

What I look for in a girl: the ability to spin her head around 360 degrees, eight limbs because I like ants, no make-up, no eyes, no skin, the music taste of a 73 year old Canadian man, being able to lift you legs behind your head, smelling like rotten milk and roses, knowing the secret KFC recipe.

I’ve got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that’s about to die at any second in a society run by money that I can’t escape is one of them.

I’ve got 98.7563498 problems and rounding up to the nearest whole number is one.

I’m surprised we haven’t switched to the metric system because it makes penis sizes sound more impressive.

I love how people have Yahoo and Facebook connected.  I love knowing that they read articles about child molestation daily.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

We should make Shakira our president because she would never lie.  At least her hips wouldn’t lie.

I actually enjoy Facebook now that they let you translate statuses in French, Spanish, Klingon, Latin or any other trendy language.  Too bad they don’t have one for high school aged ignorant person.

Scientists discovered last week that the rain is actually God crying after listening to Bon Iver.

I want to open up a video game arcade and call it “The Jungle”.  This way I can hire Axl Rose to be the greeter since he has nothing better to do and he can greet every customer with “Welcome to the jungle, we got your fun and games.”

If I spent as much time getting a girlfriend as I do thinking about fried cheese curds, I’d have at least 10 wives by now.

I can’t believe no one is complaining about how homophobic Pepsi and Coke machines are.  I try to insert my dollar and it rejects it because it isn’t “straight”.

I hear single girls push their biological clocks an hour forward on Daylight Savings Time.

Did you know “Disney magic” is actually LSD?

The Beatles once sang “All You Need is Love”.  I really do want love but I think all I want is sex but all I have is porn.

I’m thinking that one day a teenager is going to have his dick ripped off by a vacuum cleaner and from then on there will be very graphic and specific warnings on vacuum cleaners.

I will never be threatened by a vibrator because no vibrator will go to the store and by tampons or help look for lost car keys or serve you breakfast in bed when you are sick.

People say I’m ignorant. I’m not, I’m American.  There is a difference, mostly in spelling.

Girls, if a guy has ever looked at you from across the room and stared in your eyes it means he wants to have sex.  Girls, if a guy looks at you, period, it means he wants to have sex.

I think if I ever have kids I’ll yell at them about how hard my life was when I was a kid and instead of saying “When I was your age I had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow,” I’ll say, “When I was your age I had to play Gameboy in black and white and that was all there was.”

“Sooth.  Sooth.  Sooth. Sooth.  Sooth.  SOOTH!” -a soothsayer.

I like to sign up for porn sites with my college email account.

I sink into my new bed like it’s a cloud.  It’s not one of those Tempur-pedic mattresses; it’s just an air mattress with a hole in it.

Since my cats are ordained ministers and conduct services in my house, I wonder if I have to pay property taxes…fingers crossed.

Isn’t it awesome we have giant sneeze guards on our cars?  It would be even better if they had wipers on the inside.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species.  Homophobia is only found in two.  We need to eliminate the Peruvian fag-hating bat.

I think it was awesome that Congress didn’t let a pressing economic crisis get in the way of their dick measuring contest.  It’s times like these when all Americans need to join hands and work together to bring our country out of this hole.  If you need anyone to film your breasts while on spring break let me know.

I’ve been reading about this new celebrity reality contest where celebrities are in a diving contest and that comedian Louie Anderson will be diving from three stories.  I think I may start watching reality TV again.

New Xanga motto: Xanga is an exploration of sanity,sexuality, and the soul, for those who have too much of one and not enough of the others.

I think some of you should take your real life as seriously as you take Xanga.

New Xanga drinking game: take a shot every time someone accuses another person of being a troll.

I wonder how many Xangans are able to function in the world because they seem like if they go outside they’d be offended by a blade of grass…but then I’m just begging to start Xanga drama because they probably don’t have grass in their lawns.

Xanga is the only addiction that makes you feel better when you don’t use it.

I call all of my friends on Xanga “the minions of darkness”.  I think that classifies me as a cult leader.  Tax exempt status here I come…again.

New age children’s song, “If you’re bitter and you know it,make a Xanga!  If you’re bitter and you know it, make a Xanga!  If you’re bitter and you know and really want to show it, make a Xanga and rate everyone EX!”

People get so worked up over the dumbest shit on Xanga.  You should seriously get over yourself and goon a contemplative walk while listening to Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind”.

Xanga is pretty good proof that the only thing holding people back from being unnecessarily hostile and malicious is an excuse to do it, even if its a bad one

My mission on Xanga is not complete until I destroy Scientology, a major professional sports league or Xanga itself.

I just learned that you can’t say “piss fucker” on the internet.  If you do the CIA and FBI will be notified and then they will send a drone and you will be ki

So where have I been?  I really don't rightly know.  It's such a difficult question to answer because where have we all been?  Anyway, the last week I've noticed my mouse for my PC hasn't been functioning properly and the only place in town that sells computer accessories is a Dollar General and the only mice they have are the old fashioned ones with the big balls inside.  I had one of those with my first computer for about a week.  I went out and bought a state of the art optical mouse and I've had it ever since.  I guess 11 and a half years is a pretty long time for a mouse.  I was sad to see it go.  But Saturday I didn't get to a store.  I went out with a friend to one of the largest shoe stores in the Midwest.  I didn't buy any shoes because I've hurt my foot.  Sometime in my short time of sleeping last week I kicked something in my sleep and my foot is all bruised and swollen so needless to say it hurts.  My friend bought some boots and I found a baseball hat for a minor league team in this area named the Madison Mallards.  Turns out the guy who owns the shoe store also owns the baseball team.  I made my purchase and was handed a coupon.  It was for $1.50 off any drink of equal or greater price at a bar down the highway.  My friends and I figured what the hell but on the way we found a liquor store where I purchased one of my favorite beers, Ale Asylum's Hopalicious.  We then made it to the bar which was called Rookies.  It turns out that the guy who owns the shoe store also owns the bar.  It was filled with so much sports memorabilia that I went into sensory overload.  I enjoyed a Lake Louie pale ale and then I had some other beer but I can't remember the name.  On the way home I fell asleep.  I told my friend that it was because I'm still recovering from my illness.  We then stopped off at a bar in a town of about 25 to 50 people.  We decided to have some lunch and as I was browsing the menu another patron asked to see the remote so he could change the channel.  He flipped it to Will Smith's "Wild Wild West".  The bartender/owner says, "Oh man, a negro as Jim West.  That ain't right."  Then the patron said, "Yeah I didn't think a negro cast as Jim West was good but it's a decent movie."  After our orders were placed and I was still in shock from hearing these comments a scene came up where Will Smith encounters an Asian women.  The one patron who said it was a decent movie was playing a video poker machine and he asked, "Did that negro get that gook pussy?"  I was stammering but thankfully his friend answered him.  I was just silent the rest of the time because I got thinking how far we have come as a society.  I think five years ago if I was in that bar they wouldn't have referred to Will Smith as a negro but as the n-word.  I think that's a positive change President Obama has had on our nation.  Now if we have an Asian president then when I encounter that bar and Wild Wild West is on maybe the pussy will be referred to as "oriental".  Then after we ate the owner offered us his homemade blue raspberry moonshine.  That was delightful.  When I got home I was sort of tired so I laid down for a couple of hours and then turned on my PS3 and discovered Crackle.  It's not as good as Netflix but it has some good stuff.  I watched so many episodes of All in the Family and then I fell asleep for the night.  I woke up Sunday morning and went to church and then at church my dad said that he and my mom planned on going out for lunch and he wondered if I wanted to go along.  I thought why not because then I may get a mouse.  We went through an Amish settlement and went by the farm that was hosting church for the week.  That was neat to see all the Amish buggies.  There were over a hundred there.  Then my parents' decided that they wanted a fancy Sunday lunch and because they had coupons they decided to eat at Burger King.  I sort of laughed but they did have the Coke Freestyle machine.  I had too much caffeine with that thing.  Then we went over to Walmart but before I got out my mom said a couple of tires on the car looked low.  I said it was because I drank so much Coke but she insisted we fill the tires with air.  So my dad drives to a nearby gas station to fill the tires.  Of course my dad insists that I fill the tires and he parks in front of the air machine and with the snow melt I have to walk through a lake.  The puddles were up to my ankles but I got his tired filled.  Then when we got back to Walmart we ran into a cousin who was a sheriff's deputy.  We talked about the government and how awful it is and how I thought that I was just growing cynical and saw the country falling apart but now I think it actually is.  Then I go in back and find my mouse.  I got a wireless logitech.  I was sort of worried about it because the last time I got a logitech mouse my computer rejected it but I had some other computer issues going on at the time and it wasn't wireless.  I also picked up Argo and Skyfall.  My dad asked if he or my mom got me a birthday present.  I said no so he took my stuff and threw it in his motorized cart and sped off.  I went towards the front and picked up a pack of socks because I noticed that while I was sick so many of my socks had holes in them.  I then sat on a bench waiting for my parents to finish their shopping.  I was reading the package and was rocking back and forth because my foot hurt.  This 80+ year old woman sat down next to me and asked, "They let you out of the home today?"  I replied in a weird voice because for some reason my voice is going out even though I don't have any laryngitis, "Yeah, I'm lucky because I've been locked up in home this winter."  She smiled and said, "Well that's great."  Then she got up and left.  It dawned on me later that she must've thought I was mentally handicapped.  Then I saw another family member and we had a nice talk.  Then my mom shows up at the bench and asks if I got a birthday present from her or my dad.  I said no because honestly I hadn't YET.  She picked up my socks and then walked to the candy aisle.  She got me a couple bags of Cadbury mini eggs.  God I love them but I haven't cracked them open.  Then we came home backroads through another Amish community.  I saw so many farms selling eggs, rugs, and veal.  I think I'll have to go back on a day that's not Sunday because all the signs also had "No Sunday Sales".  Then I ended up in a town named Hustler at a bowling alley named Hooterbowl.  Larry Flynt would've been proud.  I didn't bowl.  I just had to use the bathroom and in a town of 175 that's all there was.  Then I saw a couple sun dogs and will have to post the photos later.  We were nearing home and went by a grocery store and I asked to stop so I could get some brats because this grocery store makes their own.  I bought a six pack of brats and as I'm leaving I run into another family member who was with his grandson.  They were picking out a pizza and I didn't get to ask the grandson how he was doing so I asked the grandfather but I couldn't remember the kid's name.  I thought for some reason it was "Junko".  Turns out it was Tyler.  Junko.  That would be an awesome name.  I finally got home and watched some Amazing Race and then America's Worst Cooks and the dude was literally grilling cheese.  I ended up falling asleep around 9:15 and woke up at 2AM and I watched the History Channel's Vikings show.  It was pretty good which surprised me quite a bit.  Then I went back to bed.  Today I didn't have anything scheduled so I got my mouse installed and it's working like a charm.  Well that's about it.  And people say  I never talk about myself.

Some people have basketball for March Madness....well this is mine.  I think we're going to have a non-European pope but that's just where my money's riding.

Just keep going, don't stop.  What?  I have no clue what this even means.

Your dvds and mouse and socks and Cadbury mini eggs won't heal my wounds

I'll make you smile one way or another.

I love this state

I laugh at Satan too

A very smart man in Wisconsin has started bottle brandy old fashioneds.  I'm so thirsty now.

OK...with pleasure?

I am too and I'm wanting to do a Rushmore-esque downward spiral.

Now we know where the missing leg on the table went.

Wow...they can't get "your" correct but they get "receipt".

In the Chinese translation of Disney's Cinderella the coach was translated as a blumpkin.

Ladies, would you wear these pants?  You may have to click on the photo to see the pattern.

This is what happens when we have loose gun laws.

I may have sounded quite negative in this post so I thought I'd end with a little positivity.

Hey look at the big shot who is doing this post two weeks in a row.  I haven't slept for longer than a half hour in the past few days.  I couldn't figure that today was Friday.  I hate it.  I did catch about 30 minutes of sleep at lunch time in my car.  Thankfully a janitor started banging on my window to wake me up.  Now it's time for the round up.

I strive to bring you the highest quality stories and photos for these posts and here is another.  Vanessa Hudgens was spotted leaving her gym this week and she had a very sweaty crotch.  I now hope to get a lot of google search results for "sweaty crotch".  I know I get so many every day for "vagina tattoos".  I also get quite a few searches for "blowjob" from people with the revelife extension.  I hope I get a lot for "sweaty crotch".  My parents are so proud.

The last few months everyone has seemed to dump hate on Anne Hathaway so prepare for some more.  A lot of people claim she's fake and rehearsed and apparently they are correct.  After people criticized her acceptance speeches at the Golden Globes, SAG, and BAFTA award shows, Anne worked for about a month practicing her Oscar acceptance speech.  She said this about the criticism: "It does get to me.  But you have to remember in life that there's a positive to every negative and a negative to every positive."  She tried to be likeable and nice after people made fun of her for being fake?  How evil!  We should take her outside and shoot her. She obviously doesn't deserve to live.

Tom Cruise is so worried that his daughter Suri will be kidnapped that he's hired a body double for her.  Suri is now basically a miniature version of Saddam Hussein except she doesn't use rape and murder as a tool of coercion...or does she?  Some people are claiming that this body double also goes to the same school and when not in public doubling for Suri she is Suri's lone playmate.  And when Suri isn't playing with herself she does go to other children's houses but Tom has to run security checks before she goes anywhere.  There is no clear reason why Tom has increased security around Suri but I have to believe he thinks she is the Savior of Scientology and will defeat the evil lord Xenu.  This is really messed up. Does the mother of the young decoy know that her daughter is there in case a sniper gets lazy? I bet she understands now why Tom and Katie gave Suri's little playmate so many shirts and hats with bulls-eyes on them.  There hasn't been a mother so willing to destroy her children for the sake of money ever since Kris Jenner woke up this morning.

Steven Tyler was spotted out on a date this week with Clint Eastwood's 19 year old daughter Francessca.  And Steven's confused orangutan look is basically what I looked like when I heard that a 64 year old is dating a 19 year old.  The good news with this is that now Clint Eastwood has someone to talk to at Thanksgiving dinner instead of an empty chair.

I've been being a nerd about the new Star Wars movie that I completely forgot about the next installment of The Amazing Spiderman.  I wasn't thrilled with the first but the second sounds like it is going to be a blast mostly because Spiderman will be fighting so many villains.  There are three villains and the third was cast this week.  First, Jamie Foxx was cast to play Electro and of course people threw a shit-fit when they heard that this character would be black.  I don't know why since up until the casting of Foxx no one gave a shit about Electro.  Second, Paul Giamatti was cast to play Rhino, a guy who commits crimes while wearing a rhino costume.  Giamatti said that Rhino was his favorite character as a boy and couldn't believe he wasn't in any of the other movies.  Finally, this week Chris Cooper was cast as Norman Osbourne/Green Goblin.  I hope that this Green Goblin will be different from the glorified Power Ranger Green Goblin in the original movies.  They are taking this story from Brian Michael Bendis' Ultimate Spiderman so that should be good because in that series Green Goblin is fiery and mutated.  The only bad thing is that Spiderman 3 was a failure because they had so many villains and set up for the 4th installment and of course Sam Raimi was fired from Spiderman 4 and the series was rebooted.  When asked about the new Spiderman James Franco said this: "Congrats. Good for them. Sam and I moved on. We made Oz."  Yeah I think I'll go see that Oz movie instead.

TMZ is claiming that Octomom is off the rails again but was she ever truly on the rails to begin with?  They supposedly have a video of her laughing hysterically and rolling around in bed.  After that video was shot she checked herself into rehab.  She has checked herself out but she apparently isn't clean.  TMZ is claiming that she traded the love of pills for the love of ganja.  Her friends claim she's smoking heavily every day and it's turned her into a beast once again.  People are worried she won't be able to be the general of her child army.  Apparently a few weeks ago she called her son's school frantic that he didn't come home.  The school contacted the bus driver who reported that he saw Octomom pick up her child at the bus stop himself.  The weed has really eaten her brain if she can't remember picking up her son from the bus stop and didn't think of checking his room where he was the whole time.  If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I'd have a bong permanently strapped to my face and I'd lose them all the time. A week wouldn't go by without me saying, "Hey, where's number 5?  Did I leave him at the post office or did I trade him to Uppgrayed for some of this Maui Wowee.  Holy shit this shit is the bomb!  Hey, number 6, can you drive?"  And that is why I don't have kids.

Despite numerous comparison photos and videos floating around the web, Nicki Minaj is claiming that she is completely organic and that she's never went under the plastic surgeon's knife.  She said this: "I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup."  Let me fix that: "I've had surgery on my boobs, butt, nose, eyes, ears, salivary ducts, teeth, and all other parts listed on Wikipedia's page of the human anatomy.  Look at RuPaul's Drag Race and see that those drag queens look more natural than I do.  When people look at me they think that I'm all sorts of crazy and have had all sorts of plastic surgery." 

This is Melissa King.  She is the former Miss Teen Delaware.  She had to resign from her position this week because a porn video featuring her surfaced.  Three months after she turned 18 she needed money so she shot a porno.  Apparently whoring yourself for money is worse than whoring yourself for money AND a crown.  This is a bunch of bullshit. Nowhere in the pageant rules does it say that a contestant can't sit on a bed for an interview, get on her knees and give a man oral sex, have sex with that man in the doggystyle position, get on top of the same man in the cowgirl position, and then give the man more oral sex before he finally ejaculates onto her face. You know, I'm just saying IF she had done all that in this so-called scene that she shot that I definitely haven't seen because porn objectifies women.  She's already been offered a more lucrative job of being a spokesperson for the website YouPorn.com.  They want her to be Miss YouPorn and will give her $250,000 to tour the world promoting the website and the good news is that there is no mention of having to have sex on camera.  To research this story, I watched the video three times then I got sleepy before I had a chance to make a sandwich. But it's pretty clear from the video that this chick was basically waiting for this dude to finish so she could go pay off some bills. I don't know, but Melissa King seems like the only responsible adult in this story.  If you want to see the video and do your own research, here you go.

Every so often I run across a story for my celebrity round up that is so heartbreaking that it makes me question humanity itself.  This is one such story.  Kirsten Dunst was at a stylist salon this week to prepare for a trip to a fashion show in Paris next week when she was overheard talking about how she wasn't happy with the details of the trip.  She said she had to travel in business class and not first class and that she'd have to wear designer clothing of designers she didn't care for.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I, like every other person with a penis, enjoyed seeing her nipples in the Spiderman movie but that was a decade ago.  She belongs in business class with the rest of the hoi poloi.  She should have to fly on standby and use Walmart clothes until she makes some good movies.

According to Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian is having a baby girl.  I mean, according to Us Weekly, Kim Kardashian is having a baby girl.  According to Kris Jenner, Kris Jenner would never betray a family secret for money.  Kim's been buying dresses for the baby and she is really excited.  This is a dream come true for me and Kris Jenner.  With her cross-promotional expertise, I can only imagine how excited Kris got when she started calculating all the potential endorsement deals and TV specials.  We already know that Kim's up for anything, so child-whoring is not off the table.  Expect the Kardashian Klan Kompany to feature these new products: Victoria's Toddler's Secrets, Fisher Price's "My First Oopsie Cam", Valtrex flavored juice boxes, and Spermicide flavored Jolly Ranchers.  I should trademark those before Kris Jenner gets any ideas.

This week it was announced that Kathy Bates would be joining the cast of American Horror Story.  There are a lot of rumors floating around that the next season will be called American Horror Story: Salem but I have not seen anything from the company about what the topic would be.  Something I do notice about Ryan Murphy productions is that his female characters are treated horribly but the fact is that his female actors have some of the biggest and best roles in TV.  Murphy has said that Bates will be a villain to Jessica Lange's hero.  He has said that it will be set in modern times and will be historical and will focus on witches.  It will also be funnier compared to the other seasons.  I'm very anxious for to see how this plays out.

Looks like it's time to change Justin Bieber's diaper.  He also got a new tattoo this week.  It's a letter X on his left arm.  People say the X is supposed to symbolize his Christian faith and is merely a cross on an angle.  He also had another bad break this week.  He was turned away from a nightclub in Manchester UK this week.  He supposedly wanted to do the shuffling dance popularized by LMFAO but the club turned him away because they were sure the serious dancers would be offended by Justin's spastic movements.  The club's Twitter posted this statement: "Yes the rumours are true, we turned Justin Bieber away. He shuffles on stage and we can't be having that in Sankeys now can we."  I'm thankful our friends in Britain are untangling the web of bullshit the world has been spinning for years.  England was way ahead of the curb on the fact that Hitler was a tool, and they totally nailed the awesomeness of the Spice Girls -- now those limeys are hitting a bullseye with this Justin Bieber nonsense.  Last week Justin was a shirtless, bird-chested tool riding segways into clubs.  This week Justin Bieber is a shirtless, bird-chested tool NOT riding a segway into a club.  Great job, UK, now if you can just take back Russell Brand, we can forget all about how you guys polluted our pristine Boston Harbor with your shitty Earl Grey tea.

Jennifer Lawrence has been everywhere lately.  She's been winning Oscars, talking on talkshows, being in movies, visiting Hawaii wearing sweatpants, hugging a girl, smoking weed, drinking wine, hugging that same girl all over again.  She is such a hot commodity.  The Daily Mail reports: "Jennifer Lawrence has been seen on holiday in Hawaii enjoying a suspicious rolled up cigarette. In revealing pictures the newly anointed Oscar-winning actress is seen clasping a fat roll up in her fingers and a bottle of wine. And in other pictures that have emerged the 22-year-old can clearly be seen taking a draw on the roll up. It's not clear if she was indeed smoking marijuana - but the actress is not known to be a smoker - and if the young starlet does have a penchant for the weed, it may explain her propensity for stumbling. Jennifer, 22, is in Hawaii with a female friend who she was seen hugging as they sat on the balcony together. The Hunger Games star wrapped herself up in a grey blanket, over a grey T-shirt and sweat pants."  This, of course, will make women love Jennifer Lawrence more because, she's "real". And she doesn't seem "fake". And she's not "super skinny". And she "looks just as horrific as I do without makeup on".  And she "likes wine" and "I like wine, too". And "I hate Anne Hathaway".

And now it's time for everyone's favorite topic on the Celebrity Round Up...pregnancy and placenta eating.  This is the perfect time for me to go get that leftover steak and tear into it.  Holly Madison is expecting her baby daughter any day now and according to her blog, she wants to eat her placenta.  I was thinking she'd turn it into jerky or a margarita but she's planning on having it converted into pills.  At first I thought it sounded gross to swallow placenta but then I realized she probably had worse things in her mouth considering she dated Hugh Hefner.  Here's her blog: "This might sound gross, but I’m totally planning on having my placenta turned into pills I can take after giving birth. I heard it helps women recover faster and I want to recover as quickly as I can!  Have any other moms out there done this?  xoxo, Holly"  January Jones said that even though she regrets telling everyone about it, she was happy she ingested her placenta: "I should never have told anyone about that. But it’s not gross or witchcrafty. Nor am I putting it in a shake or eating it raw. It’s a very civilised thing that can help women with depression or fatigue. I was never depressed or sad or down after the baby was born, so I’d highly suggest it to any pregnant woman."  So is this really a thing?  Has anyone hear ingested their placenta?  Does anyone plan on ingesting your placenta?  If so I have an idea for a little something called Placentaburger Helper.  Shit, I have to trademark that before Kris Jenner gets her hands on it.  But seriously, has anyone done that?  IS it considered cannibalism even if it comes from your own body?

Sad news everyone, Girls Gone Wild is now Girls Gone Bankrupt.  The real sad news is that the people at GGW say they will continue to go on business as usual because they're just filing for protection.  Girls Gone Wild has ALWAYS bothered me. It has crossed the line of pedophilia several times. Getting drunk girls to bare their chests is just creepy – I don’t care what anyone says.  It's no wonder the company is bankrupt.  Have you ever seen what Tumblr has to offer?  How about girls on Xanga baring all for charity?  I remember watching the late night infomercials and in 5 minutes you basically see the whole tape.  One of my college friends bought the series after a night at the bar and we watched, it's not really that exciting unless girls being taken advantage of is your thing.

JWoww showed off her side boob and proved that her breast enlargement surgery was performed by Dr. Frankenstein or maybe that's Fronk-en-steen.

Bernadette Peters turned 65 this week.  I love her.  I really love her.  She was so good in The Jerk and Silent Movie.  Such a funny lady.

Michael Bolton turned 60 this week.  I never got what his appeal was.  He always had ladies dropping their panties.  Then I try to sing and I get cease and desist letters.

And if the ladies didn't drop their panties for Michael Bolton they're gone for Carrot Top.  He turned 48 this week.  I am shocked that this guy is still around.  He hasn't been in any movie where he didn't play himself since 2000.  I did see him at a casino and the best thing about his show was when I got there early he had a video playing on the stage of animals doing it.  That was so much funnier than his act.  Oh well...did the Carrot Top do anything for you? 

Are you looking for work?  Do you enjoy sex?  Would you be ok with having sex on camera in front of strangers?  Well Vivid Entertainment is making a parody of a movie that wasn't released yet.  They are making a parody of The Canyons and rumor has it that it's going be more of a parody of the making of the movie.  The movie will be called The Canyons XXX because that's' totally the thing in porn today.  The Lindsay Lohan character is a much sought after role in the porn community so it's probably a good thing that she didn't set the bar too high.  Since she's already getting paid to have sex, Lindsay probably won't audition for this, but if you see a chick in line in a black wig named Mindsay Mohan, drop a bag of coke on the ground. Then wait. When the wig falls off when she dives for it, you might be able to get Lindsay's autograph.  Lindsay is also doing great and by "doing great" I mean "weeks away from needing a liver transplant".  People are worried about her partying every night and getting fall down drag out drunk every night at clubs.  This is getting sad. Lindsay Lohan clearly has a problem, but doesn't have anyone in her life who cares like I do.  The people she surrounds herself with are just as good as her mom when it comes to having no natural nurturing abilities.  Well, I care, and millions of your fans care. I'm willing do do whatever it takes to keep you alive...until 2014 when I can take you in my celebrity death pool. 

In some good news for Lindsay, she's got a new job.  Charlie Sheen already gave Lindsay $100,000 to help pay the IRS but they still want another $56,000 so Lindsay probably called Charlie asking for money and he said she had to work for the rest so she probably got a bunch of latex gloves, Crisco, bananas, yogurt, midgets, speculums, and a cigar smoking monkey to go pay Charlie a visit.  Well that's not the type of work Charlie had in mind...this time.  He wants her to work on his TV show Anger Management.  In an episode that will supposedly air this April, Lindsay will appear as the hardest character she's ever played...herself.  She will supposedly seek out therapy from Charlie's character and then they'll end up in bed together.  That's so tired.  That's the plot of most every TV show.  Opposite characters end up screwing each other.  It's also interesting that this will be the second time they'll be in bed together on film unless you count private videos.  The last thing we need to see is Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan having sex.  Save that for American Horror Story.  They are the Tracy and Hepburn of our generation.

Taylor Swift recently told InStyle: "If I’m gonna write songs about my exes they can write songs about me. That’s how it works. I’m not gonna complain about it. I’m not gonna sit there and say, 'I’m the only one who can write songs about this relationship.' It’s fair game."  Uhoh.  I kind of wish all her exes would do this but there's not a lot of hit songs about handjobs.  If you have ever played an instrument look out because she will want to date you.  Apparently a friend of Taylor's has said that Taylor has stated she wants to date some of the members of The Lumineers.  God she's really sinking low.  She went from someone with a lot of hits like John Mayer to some flavor of the months like One Direction and The Lumineers.  Set your sights higher, girl.  Go after a founded musician.  Does anyone know if Keith Richards is single?  Does anyone know if Keith Richards is alive?  I've finally figured this girl out. Taylor Swift is a fame dishwasher, meaning anyone who gets a moderate amount of Google mentions can drop loads into her. This behavior is strange considering that Taylor's been famous for long enough that she can stop being a groupie -- not that I'm judging her.  It would bother me if she dated all the Lumineers, including the chick.  I'd probably pay to see that leaked video.  But before she goes to The Lumineers she's probably banging Ed Sheeran in the meantime and by "banging" I mean "talking about ponies and stickers and blankets and Disney princesses".  Since she can't have Harry Styles she's going to the next best thing, his best friend Ed Sheeran.  Apparently they spent the night together before an awards show in Britain.  They claim they spent the night talking about how to fix the world's problems.  #1. Taylor becomes a nun.  Taylor Swift is one of those chicks who just can't be alone and needs constant male attention.  I wonder how long it will be before they make her vagina the U.S. embassy of Great Britain.  I think this relationship is meant to be because Ed looks like a hobbit and Taylor looks like an elvish princess.  It's like all that dirty Lord of the Rings fanfic is coming to life.

I was going to do a story about Dancing with the Stars new cast but I seriously only know two or three of the cast.  I think the title is so misleading.  They need some stars and since when is Andy Dick a star...other than at gloryholes around Hollywood.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

@carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger

1. Who is your most favorite author? ("I don't read" is not an acceptable answer)
I'm going to have to go with Chuck Palahniuk, Ray Bradbury, Philip K. Dick, and Hunter S Thompson.

2. Theist, deist, agnostic, atheist, or apatheist?
Theist

3. Android, iOS, Windows Phone, Blackberry, Palm, or dumbphone?
I have a blackberry...I think...but it's pretty much a dumbphone since I don't see the point of paying for internet on my phone and internet at home.

4. What language would you most like to learn?
It's a toss up between Mandarin and Arabic

5. Your favorite song right now?
(especially the first line)

6. Your favorite song of all time?

7. What's the #1 most important quality you look for in the opposite sex (or the same sex, if applicable?)
Faithfulness and willingness to put up with an old, fat, balding guy

8. What otherwise common thing have you never experienced?
Watching Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Who, Sherlock, House, Mad Men, Downtown Abbey, CSI in any form

9. Favorite place on the internet besides Xanga?
at the moment...Tumblr

10. What question would you most like to be asked?
So...wanna do it? -or- Do you like pudding?

Yeah you don't want to leave that shit in your car when it gets cold.

It really does suck getting old

I never knew Steven Spielberg was a Rabbi who performed street circumcisions on aliens.

I couldn't imagine Jenna Jameson catching the Holy Spirit but then I'm not a frequent visitor of her church.

He totally misunderstood the meaning of the term "banana hammock".

The new BMW runs on milk but the downside is it still costs $5 a gallon.

Red Hot Chili Peppers still have it after 30 years in the industry.

She's been catfished

Home field advantage and no one will laugh at me reading Maxim and I can shut the door and I don't have to worry about other men sticking their junk under the stall wall.

They'd be nuts not to elect this guy.

YES!  But he said he's giving up his snazzy red shoes.

ill Papa

I bet even the Pope knows who she is.

Well I hope you had some laughs or guffaws whatever the kids are calling them these days.

@carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger @carolinavenger