The best way to celebrate Memorial Day and honor our fallen soldiers is being stinking drunk for three days.  Yep, that’s the American way.  I also hate it that all those brave men and women had to lay down their lives so we could get good deals on appliances and cars.

There are five things I’d start a civil war over or at least unleash untold destruction against my fellow man: Crystal Pepsi, the pronunciation of “gif”, the last cannoli, Packers intercepting the ball on a last second Hail Mary pass only to have it called a touchdown, and Star Wars prequels.

My favorite band is Pink Freud and their best album was “Dark Side of Your Mom”.

How am I supposed to have a good day when 30% of my fellow Americans aren’t getting enough fiber in their diets?

If you rearrange the letters in “Benghazi” you get “bezingah”.  If that’s not evidence enough that the U.S. government and a CBS sitcom are colluding in some sort of conspiracy then I don’t know what is.

I’ll never be one of those Hollywood leading men like Shrek or Shrek 3.

When I went to a restaurant recently there was a cloud hanging in the place because of the sexual tension between soup and salad.  The soup and salad bar was just waiting for something to happen.

Any ladies interested in making a secret handshake with me?  It involves our mouths and genitals and hours.

I sort of want to get a hickey on my neck because I’ve never had the experience of telling people that I burnt myself with a curling iron.

Birth control pills are more fun when you look at them like they’re an Advent calendar for pregnancy prevention.

Have you ever noticed that people only consider love to be real if it’s reciprocated?  Guess my love for beer isn’t real.

Paper weights are a good idea on paper but nowhere else.

Why is it that the national symbol is the bald eagle?  Every eagle I’ve seen has a full head of hair.  I think it’s a conspiracy.

Adrian Peterson says he does not believe in Minnesota’s legalizationo f gay marriage.  I guess that makes him a gaytheist.  I also hear he ran a 4.3 40yard dash to get away from a gay newlywed couple.

How long is it before girls start taking duckface driver’s license photos?

Some people suffer from ADD. I have ADD-HD.  Everything is better in high definition.

I think the best example of how kids can be anything when they grow up is how Toby Keith had a hit song about a plastic red cup and another song about beating up people that don’t share your religion.

Sometimes I wish my dad could look down on me from Heaven and tell me he’s proud of me but he can’t because he isn’t dead.

I’ve learned that chasing your dreams isn’t always easy but with hard work and dedication I swear I will become the first Xangan to be the world champion mayonnaise eater.  This is my goal: get good at eating mayonnaise, get confidence, win, and THEN meet a woman.  What woman doesn’t enjoy a man who eats fists full of mayonnaise for sport?

I love going to Kwik Trip and talking with my friend Pablo.  I tell him about my day at work and my cats and my garden and he always says, “I don’t know you, sir.  Please buy something or leave.”  Pablo cracks me up every time.

I have a lot of voices in my head and they’re always tell me to do wicked nasty shit but I tend to listen to the therapist voice because he seems to be the most levelheaded out of all my voices.

If you have a friend that has a fisting fetish, you should probably lend a hand.

Did you know that Bob Marley made music and didn’t just smoke marijuana?  My mind is blown.

I watched the Hatfield and McCoy movie on History Channel and now I have the strong desire to make moonshine, spit to indicate anger, and use the word “tarnations” at random.

I was recently watching the TV show “My Strange Addiction”.  There was a woman on who was addicted to breast implants and she had 38KKK breasts and thought they weren’t big enough.  They looked big enough to mebut that’s just my opinion and what do I know.

When you win American Idol you get to meet Ryan Seacrest so essentially you go from being a nobody to a nobody who has met Ryan Seacrest.

They should call nasal congestion “nasal beavers” because it feels like thousands of microscopic beavers crawled up your nose and built a dam.  In other news, allergies suck.

How can girls accomplish anything with their boobs?  If I was a girl I’d stand in the bathroom for hours watching my boobs jiggle as I brushed my teeth.

I think at this point in my life my only hope at achieving fame is by becoming a serial killer and lately I don’t feel opposed to that notion.

Chances are that if you’re a female and have been nice to me then I’ve fallen in love with you.  Sorry about that.

I think I’m byesexual. Every time I fall for someone they run away from me screaming “Goodbye!”

I was in a restaurant and the waitress asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told her I wanted coke.  She said, “We don’t have Coke.  Is Pepsi alright?”  I replied, “No, Pepsi is not OK.  I meant “coke” as in cocaine.  Pop is bad for you.”

A recent study reported that if you get a boyfriend or girlfriend’s name tattooed on your body there is a 99.9% chance you will breakup and that tattoo will be branded on your asscheek for the rest of your life.

I found myself watching The Bachelorette this evening and the woman said something along the lines of that all marriage consisted of was walking around, shopping, and entertaining your spouse.  If that’s the case, I don’t want to be married especially not to that vapid idiot.

I’m not saying I’m good at demotivational speaking but guess who talked his personal trainer into eating an entire pizza, dozen hot wings,two orders of chili fries, and 3 pints of beer.

They always taught us in grade school that a good way to remember the cold months is they are the ones that end with a “burr” sound like Septem-burr, Octo-burr, Novem-burr, and Decem-burr.  The other way they taught us how to tell if it was cold outside is to look out a window before going outside.

I always sing along with the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker” but sadly no one has ever called me a Space Cowboy or the Gangster of Love.

The best way to find out if someone is Christian is to sneeze in front of them.

I once broke up with a girl because she sounded like a turn signal after we ate at Taco Bell.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Why does hamburger need a helper?  I’ve always thought hamburger did fine on its own.  What about oatmeal getting some help?  How about hummus?

What sort of contest would award Pabst a blue ribbon?

I don’t want a girl with great legs or pretty eyes.  I have legs and eyes.  Give me a girl with money.

Ladies, when talking to men, never read between the lines.  There is nothing there.  Trust me.

According to my dad, coming to a complete stop at stop signs in residential neighborhoods or using a turn signal anywhere causes global warming and he’s now an environmentalist.

I think dubstep and modern pop country were created to keep people from lazily saying that they enjoy every form of music.

I bet in China when they write in English they never use capital letters because they don’t believe in capitalism.

There are now 7 billion people on earth.  If you say that your spouse is “one in a million” that means there are 7000 just like them out there.

I can’t tell if people at the public pool are more impressed with my Speedos or my long-sleeve swimming shirt.

In 2001 if you told me there would be 6 Fast and Furious movies I would’ve laughed in your face and then probably punched you and burned you at the stake for being some sort of psychic witch.

Where is the craziest place you’ve ever practiced abstinence?

I finally narrowed down my doctorate dissertation topic down.  It will be “An Oral History of Matt Damon’s Cameo in the Film Eurotrip”.

If you love something, let it go.  If it doesn’t come back then drunk text the shit out of her.

If you love something, let it go.  If you hate something, stay with it until the resentment boils up and causes you physical ailments and creates a dark cloud of sadness to hang over you.

When I go to a dance club, my signature move is standing against a wall, looking at my phone, and wishing I was anywhere else.

I conducted a recent study. All the people who saw The Hangover 3 at my local theater imitated Borat within 24 hours of seeing the movie.

Donald Trump is an inspiration because he proves that you don’t need a brain, soul, morals, or a sense of reality to make a shit ton of money.

I think I should be a condom model.

I wish I was married so I could have someone there to see me be excited when I recognize someone on a TV show from another TV show.

Did you know that the name “king cobra” is actually short for “OH MY GOD IT’S A FUCKING COBRA!”

When I go to a store and see products advertised with “As Seen on TV” I scoff.  Do you really want me to buy a product that can also be used to describe Jim Belushi?

I dreamt I won the Powerball.  I kept going to work but at the end of the day I flipped off all my co-workers and then I went home to Blowjob Manor(that’s the name of my home because I hired certain ladies to occupy different rooms and do different jobs for me like dusting and vacuuming and cooking).

I got kicked out of my jam band this week.  They found out that I’m just pretending to play guitar.  Oh well, it was a fun 12 years.

Asking if I link any of my other websites to Facebook is like asking if I invite my family over to watch me masturbate.

My Xanga is lacking but my hair looks good.  Isn’t that what life’s all about?

It’s always a tragedy when a child dies unless his dying wish was to make the Xanga front page top blogs.  Screw that, there’s blogs about rape and racism that need to be there, not some dying kid.

They say you lose a lot of calories from running.  I wonder how many calories you lose from running multiple Xanga accounts that are embroiled in Xanga drama.

Sometimes I feel like the Meg Griffin of Xanga and my family.  If by now you haven’t figured out, I have little to no self-confidence. I’ve lost it through years of abuse. I don’t get my hopes up anymore because nothing ever comes about through hoping.  I like to do this anti-comedy self-deprecation comedy thing that’s all the rage right now.

3 out of 4 Xangans suffer from at least one self-diagnosed mental illness.

Instead of learning from mistakes, a lot of people blog about them on Xanga and keep repeating them.

The best part of being revolting to women is that I never have to worry about having children but it does get lonely on Father’s Day.  Thank god for Xanga and strip clubs.

Sometimes I feel like I tricked you into following me and now you’re here against your will.  Sorry about that.