I’m thinking of inventing a messaging service like Carfax.  It will send you the number of times the previous owner of a car had sex inside of it.  I’m thinking of calling it Carfux.

If Jimmy cracked corn, then why should I care? I don’t know Jimmy.I don’t know his life and if he wants to crack corn, then why shouldn’t he? Who am I to stand in the way of this man and his corn cracking?

I hear Kevin Bacon makes a lot of money for his new TV show.  I guess he’s really bringing home the him.

Cleveland police have been ordered to take a mandatory class to notice differences of photos of their asses and holes in the ground.

I wonder if when Dr. Kermit Gosnell was declared guilty if he did “Kermit arms” when the verdict was read.

I hope all the moms out there had a good Mother’s Day.  It’s a shame there’s not a day like that ford ads.

I would also like to send my deepest regards to all you up against the wall redneck mothers.

My Mother’s Day was strange because my mom sat me down, took off her hair to reveal it was a wig and that she was actually Tyler Perry.

Dear Hallmark, please put out a line of MILF Mother’s Day cards.  Sincerely, Oedipus.

My mom used to say that if you can’t say something nice about someone then they’re probably an asshole.

I’m pretty sure this Mother’s Day, LL Cool J’s mom asked him to knock out Brad Paisley.

I can’t believe anyone had unprotected sex with my dad.

I hope my mom doesn’t get the symbolism of flowers being taken out of a place where they lived and put in a sterile vase until they die.

I hope the jizz in my nuts one day gives me expensive things on Father’s Day.

And your mom has now forgotten.

I passed a finger gun law that requires a background check before anyone can use them.  Sadly all requests have come back declined because this isn’t an 80s insurance agent convention.

I woke up one morning to find my cats chewing on a box of my Fruit Loops.  I guess you could say they are cereal killers.  Oh and I also found a bunch of blood and human fingers and toes near where I keep their toys.

Calling me an asshole is like calling water “wet” or Jennifer Lawrence “hot” or Lindsay Lohan “sociopathic criminal”.  These are things that are already known and don’t need discussion.

The politically correct terms for someone who has dwarfism are “little person” and “shawty”.  I finally know what all those rappers are talking about.

If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love.  I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food.  But they’re so tasty.

My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse.  I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.

I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.

I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day.  I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.

They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.

When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.”  Either way you’re still dealing with shit.

If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.  If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.

You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America?  No, not that one but the other one.  No, not that one either.  The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to exploit the death of innocent people from terrorist attacks for their own gain. That’s Toby Keith’s job.

I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he tried to  tell me a knock-knock joke.  He got pissed off when I ignored him.

Do you know how professional sports athletes pick the number on their jerseys?  It’s how many people they’ve murdered.

Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”?  Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.

Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers “Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.

My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me.  Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.

If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.

My dad was trying to look up porn online but somehow he wound up posting his searches on Craigslist.

I’m allergic to latex but I use latex condoms every time I have sex because it makes my penis swell up. The only drawback is that every time I have sex I go to the hospital.

Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth.  It’s amazing how little clothing some people wear in public.

True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.

There aren’t enough songs about love.  We need more!

They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend.  Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence.  If your lady is silent during a blowjob then she’s doing it wrong.

I could probably go vegetarian if I was really self-disciplined about it but I could never go vegan because a life without cheese is a life I really don’t want to live.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones.  Hollywood,hit me up!

If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.

I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes.  I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.

My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.

Girls, if your guy goes to Jared to buy you jewelry then you better dump him because you deserve jewelry from a place that doesn’t have annoying TV commercials.

I have a feeling that there’s a person somewhere in the world that has a vagina tattooed inside his masturbating hand.

I accidentally got my testicles stuck in my zipper again.  That is the last time I ever wear boots with zippers.

Sleeping alone is twice as lonely in a bunk bed.

I cheated on my SATs in high school.  When I was taking them I got up and went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom I took my ACTs.

Before Walmart, where did families wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts go to practice yelling each other’s names?

This summer my goal is to impress the ladies more with my hairy chest than all the hair sticking out of my Speedos.

What if the final episode of The Office it is revealed that Creed was actually Dr. Sam Beckett on an extended Quantum Leap mission?

Whenever someone texts me “K”, I text back “Potassium” and then I go masturbate furiously to a picture of the periodic table.  No, no one ever texts me.

I hear based on the success of The Great Gatsby, Baz Lurhman is going to do a movie about “A Tale of Two Cities” and it will star Busta Rymes and the first line of the movie will be, “It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.”

Just once I would like to open a fortune cookie and have it say: “You and Prince will become the bestest of friends and you two will even have a super-secret handshake.”

If you turn all the lights off in your bathroom and stare at the mirror and say “Benghazi” 3 times you will become a FOX News contributor. Oh and while I’m on Benghazi, why is this such a big deal but when during Bush’s term in office there were over a dozen attacks on consulates and embassies and hundreds of Americans died it’s not?  Also what about those WMDs?  Oh and Halliburton contracts?  Also if I had a dollar every time a conservative person tells me that they disagree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since Bush left office then I’d be Bill Gates.

I’m glad there is an international sign for choking because I was always fearful of going to France and grabbing my throat and having them think I liked their turtlenecks.

I was thinking of putting a webcam in my shower to make some extra money because I’m sure there are people out there that would want to see a fat guy showering.  The only bad part is that I could only sing public domain songs like “Jimmy Crack Corn” and then I’d go into a discussion with myself about Jimmy’s right to crack corn.

I like when local car dealerships feature ads where the salesman show their children.  I refuse to buy a car from a virgin.

I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.

I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.

Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me.  You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer.  I love you so much.  I would jump into raging waters to rescue you if you were wearing matching bra and panties.

The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.

Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga.  Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do.  Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.

Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.

Xanga is just like a playground.  There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun.  Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.

Considering yourself to be popular on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.

Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously.  More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.

Xanga is one of my only life skills.

I also regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.

The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants. (my horoscope)

Hi, I'm back with more questions.  I haven't graded last week's assignment because I need to get birthdays into my database.  I feel bad because last week I missed two birthdays but I've noticed those Xangans are never around.  Hmmm I should probably do a post about Xangans I miss.  Well that's for another post but if people want to do it in the meantime then go for it.   And Xanga photos still doesn't work...sigh...it's a death rattle.

Here's your new assignment:

1.
  
   Who wins?  Why?

2. 
  

3. 
  

Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.

Now get to work.

because it's #caturday

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind

But I know that this time
I've said too much

Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies
I try and

Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes

'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness

Plead with you
But I know that

It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies

I try to
laugh about it

Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you

If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use

That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far

Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side

But I just
Keep on laughing

Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you celebrate Mother's Day may it be better than mine.

what do you know? XANGA WORKS! or at least I can open it

hi

I'm so happy that former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham released her porn tape.  It now shows that teen girls that teen pregnancy is glamorous and will get you paid by MTV and then you can get into acting after you are no longer a teen.

I really want to go to a restaurant that Gordon Ramsay helps on Kitchen Nightmares or Hell’s Kitchen itself because I’m not convinced he’s swearing.  I think he’s talking about fishing and shipping.

I think it’s time that Congress did something productive.  They need to have hearings to determine whether or not professional wrestling is real or scripted.

Sometimes I think if I was a woman I’d use my vagina as a coin purse or for extra storage like for lipstick or an iPhone.  I’d keep them there when I didn’t need them.

Apparently cheetahs are really sensitive and nervous animals.  They are so nervous that some won’t breed because they are intimidated by the wild cheetah sex and they end up never getting laid and dying alone. After all these years on this planet and questioning who I am I have finally figured out that I’m a cheetah.

April showers bring may flowers and what do may flowers bring?  PILGRIMS!  And what do pilgrims bring?  Death to Native Americans.

Sometimes it seems that my blog is literally me talking to myself with an audience.  Crap…I’ve become Jeff Dunham.

I made a bukkake joke around a friend this weekend.  She didn’t know what it was so her solution was to google it.

There’s a Chinese buffet a few towns over that only plays one song on a continuous loop.  It’s“Happy Birthday”.  Apparently someone had a birthday party there and asked if they could play that song and now the rest is history.

The main thing I’ve learned from celebrity tabloid magazines is that the true talent of female celebrities is how fast she can lose weight after having a baby.

Remember the 00s? Remember watching helplessly as your country descended into a bloodthirsty war frenzy and everyone was yelling about supporting troops or getting them out of war?  Remember Spongebob?

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke.

STOP THE NRA!  (That’s the National Randy Jackson Association. There is absolutely no need for such a thing and he needs to be banned from American Idol.)

It’s sort of sad that I’ll never be as popular as the girls in “2 Girls, 1 Cup” or the girl who sucked on her tampon.

“Born in the USA”is probably my favorite song about being born in the USA.

Back last month during the North Korean missile crisis, North Korea was basically a teenager with a skateboard loitering outside a convenience store and the UN was the crusty old store manager who doesn’t like seeing cool skateboard tricks.

So often I want to be like Martin Luther and post something revolutionary but I usually settle for writing 95 reasons why someone is a douchebag and then I staple it to their forehead.

Ladies, I am a polite gentleman.  I will hold doors open for you.  I’ll open the car door for you.  I’ll carry you over puddles.  I’ll bring you flowers.  I’ll shower you with compliments after I shower myself with soap and water.  I’llpolitely ask if I can fondle your breasts. I am a gentleman.

A radio station near me once had a disgruntled employee and he programmed a continuous loop of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”for an entire day.  No one seemed to notice because most radio stations only have four songs in their rotation.

I think the best way to weigh yourself is when you are naked.  I just wish they understood at the pharmacy.

I once worked as a waiter and one of my first customers was a vampire.  He ordered a steak and I asked how he’d like it and he said, “Not wooden and nowhere near my heart.”

I think the reason I sleep on my stomach is because subconsciously I think I’m a superhero and my blanket is my cape.

I once suggested a student read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”.  That student came to tell me how much they enjoyed the book after class and they said, “Mr. Awesome, that book was the bomb.  When I got to the part about Columbus and the Native Americans, I was all like ‘Oh hell no, Christopher Columbus with your stank ass.’”

I sometimes will look back on my life and have a hard time believing about things that have happened. I question if it really happened because some events are just really out there like going to school with a crime fighter named Checkerman to getting a job application from a guy named Christ who was dressed in drag. I know this isn’t a joke and if you don’t like it let me know so I can block you because my brother was saved by Checkerman when the evil Chessmaster took him hostage but he was later killed by the Monopoly Man, who was driving the thimble while drunk.

Whatever happened to Dane Cook?  Did he die? Must be, since his career sure did. If there is one thing that Dane Cook has taught us it’s that using a curse word every other word in a sentence it’s hilarious.

If people ask me to do something and I say, “No problem,” it’s usually because I’m being polite and that’s a better thing to say than“that was inconvenient and I won’t point it out because if I do you’ll call me a cunt.”

The best part about the internet is that no matter what you think there is some idiot out there that agrees with you.  I’m happy I found my “The center of the Earth is made of marshmallows and barbecue ribs” support group.

If someone uses the word “gay” in a way that doesn’t refer to homosexuality and no one around is offended is it still offensive?

When I go to the movies, I never have to worry about putting my phone on silent because no one ever calls or texts me.

I got kicked out of Walmart because I gave myself a genital exam.  I guess I misunderstood the concept of a self-checkout lane.

If any of you forgot to get your mom something for Mother’s Day it’s not too late to get her a good gift. Just put the toilet seat down.

I remember the time my girlfriend bought Chicago Cubs pajamas.  I never scored after she bought them.  We were really into S&M.  She always slept and I masturbated.

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Have you ever noticed how racist TV is?  When white girls get pregnant, they get an entire season of “16 and Pregnant” on MTV, but when black girls get pregnant, they’re lucky to get 5 minutes on Maury.

Nothing says “this marriage won’t last” quite like a Walmart engagement ring…I buy all my engagement rings at Walmart.

I once googled “what women want” and my computer crashed.

If Ghost Hunters ever visited my house, I’d be afraid of what the old lady who walks around my upstairs tells them I do when I’m alone and oiled up.

I sometimes think that some people only watch NASCAR for the fiery crashes and the subsequent commemorative plates.

I still haven’t forgiven my 1^st grade teacher who sent that note home to my parents that said I had a problem with holding grudges.

I used to think obesity wasn’t an epidemic in America but then I realized we have flavored floss.

Real life conversation: “Hey, godfather, did you know that Ron Jeremy has his own rum?”  “Yeah, I knew that, it’s called Ron de Jeremy rum.” “I wonder how it goes down.” “Probably on itself.”  That was quite an awkward car ride with my mom after that.

Did you know that 40% of America’s annual tree harvest ends up as Mother’s Day cards for Michelle Duggar?

I can’t believe people are against gay marriage because if you want people to stop having gay sex then you let them get married.

I think the reason why I don’t sleep with many women is because I have insomnia.

Do public speakers at nudist colonies picture people in the audience with clothes on?

I have reached the point in my life where I am comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Whenever I hear someone say “How do you like me now,” I usually answer, “Even less now.

You should be able to mark people as spam.

If I treated people how I wanted to be treated I’d spend all day giving strangers oral sex.

I still think Breaking Bad will end with Bryan Cranston’s character being dropped into Witness Protection and being in Malcolm in the Middle.  How else do you describe Hal’s erratic behavior in that show?

They call a group of lions a pride.  They call a group of my family members an embarrassment.

I don’t get why girls say “you’ll never find another girl like me” when I break up with them. Isn’t that the point?

Now that I’m single the label on my porn folder says “porn” instead of the usual “vegan recipes”.

If I ever offend you, make sure you email me a list of your grievances or tag me in a post so I can print it out and wipe my ass with it.

I think I take compliments as well as a vending machine takes wet, crumpled dollar bills.

Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, there’ll be eight planets after I destroy Uranus and for the sake of numbering, Pluto will always be a planet to me.”

I bet there are people running around Hollywood pitching the idea for a Great Gatsby sequel where he comes back as a zombie.

My daughter Jenna thinks I’m addicted to porn so I asked my son Jameson what he thinks.

My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative number…imaginary.  MATH JOKE!

Being popular on Xanga is sort of like owning a lot of property in Monopoly.

I think Xanga needs a “I want to lick your genitals” button because the rec and eprops are not enough.

I once heard someone say they came to Xanga to find a soulmate.  I suggested she straddle a speaker and listen to Barry White.

I’m glad I have Xanga for self-validation because I would’ve been a horrible stripper.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: where you get to relive your childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: Escape the idiots you know in real life to be surrounded by idiots you don’t know.

Is it me or does anyone else think that Xanax should be the official sponsor of Xanga?

Xanga has saved me from a horrible “keeping my thoughts to myself” addiction.

Some people use Xanga like they are campaigning to be the next Dali Lama.

I am thankful for my mom and was happy to tell her that on Mother’s Day.  Without her, I wouldn’t have all these issues that make me hilarious.

I was amazed that when I was gone for that time period awhile back I lost friends here.  What could I possibly be doing to piss you off if I’m not even posting?

When is Xanga prom?

If there was a Xanga school/university, they’d probably have to do what they do at Apple sweatshops in China and put nets under the windows to stop people from trying to escape or commit suicide.

Good night everyone and by “goodnight” I mean I’ll probably be up for another two hours or so contemplating life and by “contemplating life” I mean I’ll probably watch some porn and jerk off.

It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting. (my horoscope this week)

So I haven't been around much.  I keep trying to get on here more often but it's been difficult lately with health and other things getting in the way.  I see Xanga still has not fixed the photos.  Sigh.  Maybe that's why people aren't using this site much any more.  There is no effort to fix broken things.  Yes I know it's lame to bash Xanga but I have thought the more it's brought up maybe Xanga will take notice...maybe not.

Here's your assignment:

1.
  

2.
  

3.
  

Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.

Now get to work.

It's May 4th as in "May the Fourth be with you" which is sort of like that one line from Star Wars, "It's a trap!" or "I find your lack of faith disturbing." or "I’ve got a very bad feeling about this." or "These blast points — too accurate for sandpeople. Only imperial stormtroopers are so precise."  It's also #caturday.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.