How many days are left and how much money is needed? Either way I have wordpress and blogger now.

Does anyone have Hulu Plus? If so, how is it? Can you watch current just aired shows or just back catalogs like Netflix?

Breast Humping (aka titty fucking) is the best form of sex because it is the closest a guy will ever get to a girl’s heart.

Why would I wear pants when I could not wear pants?

No one has a crush on me because I’m too powerful to be crushed.

I’m pretty sure I would’ve been a very cool land baron.

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and be Batman.  Now that I’m an adult and since I just watched the entire modern series on Netflix, I want to be Dr. Who.

I love donuts because they aren’t self-centered.

Do you ever look at your old photos and think, “What happened to that shirt?”

If you got an email from me that only said “Hello”, I was hacked.  I really am shy and probably wouldn’t say anything if I saw you in real life.

So James Gandolfini died. Does anyone know the whereabouts of the Russian from that episode titled “Pine Barrens”?

Since its creation in 1921, the Baby Ruth candy bar has not been eaten by anyone without getting at least 20 tiny pieces of chocolate,nougat, peanuts, or caramel stuck on their shirt, pants, or teeth.  And this is why I eat candy in the nude.

I would never want a girl I’m dating to call me“Daddy”.  It would just make me go buy a pack of cigarettes and never come back.

I think I’d like to live in the 70s but without the social oppression or disco.  I just like the cars and wish cars would be powerful again and not the little weak-ass shit they have on the lots now.

I think the Constitution got it wrong.  They should rewrite it to make my unalienable rights to be life, liberty, and the pursuit of dope-ass swag.

I watched the movie Juno and there were parts that made me cringe.  I think the worst moment is when Jason Bateman’s character says that the mid 90s were the best time for rock n’ roll.  I think that’s when I started exploring bands from the 60s and 70s because I was fed up with the stuff they were playing and telling me it was cool.

I always get nasty looks when I clip my nails while waiting in the doctor’s office.  Come on, people,it’s flip-flop season and my toes can’t look gnarly.

A diet free of meat and animal products may be healthy but you also run the risk of becoming pretentious and bat-shit insane.

What did teenagers do before they had cellphones or cameras to take vain self-shot photos?  I used the instant cameras.  I imagine some before me used Polaroids.  If we keep going back I’m sure that we’ll find out that cave drawings were done by teenagers scratching pictures of themselves on to cave walls.

There are these middle schoolers that live down the block from me that think they are a badass gang because they go around their block drawing swastikas on the sidewalk with chalk. I’ll show them how badass I am by shaking my fist at them while I wash their swastikas away with my garden hose.

If you think long and hard about it you’ll realize that politicians make their money and fame by kissing ass so they are not better than prostitutes and prostitution is illegal so we should lock up politicians.

Contrary to popular belief, ending a sentence with the word “bitch” does not mean it is hilarious, bitch.

OK I was at Pornhub the other day and I noticed their video shave the Facebook “like” button.  Yes, Pornhub, I want to be the first out of my Facebook friends to like the video“Hot Young Slut Takes it Up the Ass and then in the Mouth”.

I’m surprised with all the things you can buy on Amazon that they haven’t started selling spouses or true love.

If you use old Taco Bell hot sauce packets to flavor your Ramen, it tastes just like poverty.

I sometimes think Satan hates Christmas because of all the letters he gets from dyslexic kids.

Sometimes I swear just like a 13 year old boy who has unlimited access to premium cable.

Things I’ve learned from Tumblr: when a girl says she’s ugly do not and I repeat DO NOT tell her that you think she’s beautiful.  Apparently telling someone they’re beautiful means you’re a nasty old pervert.

I’m pissed that Kanye West didn’t name his daughter Adam.  I still think they named her after the Rob Reiner movie North.

If the Kardashians father didn’t get O.J. Simpson off I’m sure one of the Kardashian girls would’ve gotten him off…repeatedly and on film.

Do you remember that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other rapper has nothing to fast talk about?  Well that’s my style of writing.  I insult myself and my small penis so that none of your words can harm me.

I don’t like fake people. I haven’t ever since that clerk at the clothing store informed me that the mannequins would not reply to my asking them out on dates.

The only thing I know about pillow talk is when I ask my pillow why can’t I have a girl in here.

I understand and believe that Jesus paid for my sins but what sort of Jew would I be if I didn’t get my money’s worth?

I’m not judging you if I’m right.

I am craving chocolate so bad lately but at least it’s not as bad as craving her, that dirty whore.

Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no cash, hope, or jobs.  Please don’t let Kanye and North West die because then we won’t have a western hemisphere.

There should be some law that says you can’t complain about wanting bigger boobs or a bigger penis unless you can name one practical purpose that they would give you.

Every culture on earth is much more exciting than white culture.  All we have is putting mayonnaise on French fries and getting excited when we hear 80s music.

Why does every diet pop taste like poison?  Better question…why do I know what poison tastes like?

And now here’s your weekly dose of motivation:

Does my carpet match my drapes?  Well I tore up the carpet to see if there was hardwood under it but there was just blood. So I guess that means yes.

As an optimist, I look at my life and see it as half-filled with regrets.

Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, I want you to butt dial my face.”

If you eat 30 minutes before you have sex does that mean you risk your sperm cramping up during their swim? If so then I’ve found a new birth control method.

The girl who made my sandwich at Subway today was totally out of my league and that was really depressing.

My grandfather’s last words to me were, “Don’t have sex; it will kill you.”  Guess which one of us is still alive.

I will abstain from sex for all eternity and so will my children and their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children.  If someone asks me for sex I will fight to keep my celibacy with water pistols and balloons.

I’m always upset when I see that vending machines don’t have bacon but it doesn’t keep me from checking.

Maury Povich would make a lot of money if he released a “How to Dance” DVD comprised of “you are not the father” victory dances.

I don’t believe Paula Deen ever used the N-word and by N-word I mean “nutrition”.

My favorite type of soup is soup de jour.  I could eat that stuff every day.

I ruined some of my clothes at a screening of World War Z.  I fell asleep and drooled all over them.  I guess I’ll be donating them to the Salivation Army.  Speaking of World War Z…putting on Gene Schallit wig and mustache…World War Z is an apt title because you’ll catch plenty of z’s while watching it.

I was at a special screening of The Lone Ranger and the best line in the movie was “This is my sidekick Tonto.  He’s definitely an Indian even though he looks white.  But, see, he has a feather and painted face.”

Is it alright to go to a Renaissance Fest and ask people when will the bubonic plague hit and wipe out all the riff raff?

Riverdance is the most beautiful thing I’ve never seen.  Well, second most if we include your nude body.

I sometimes wish I was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because then no one would invite me to play Facebook games.

When I first heard the term “flash mob”, I pictured a group of naked mobsters.

I’m playing my own version of Fear Factor tonight.  I just got a Big Mac from McDonald’s, a Seven Layer burrito from Taco Bell, and a pizza from Domino’s.  This is going to get scary.

With all the different flavors of potato chips on the market today, there is no point of buying actual food.

All I’m looking for in a potential wife/girlfriend is someone who will challenge me in a debate of which is better, gummi bears or gummi worms.

Breakfast isn’t the most important meal of the day.  It’s the emotional eating I do that keeps me from crying.

Am I anyone’s Xanga crush? Don’t recommend this post if I am your crush.

I think the secret to successful blogging is to post like you’re an alcoholic nymphomaniac homeless person addicted to Xanax but with a sweet side and stellar grammar.

I’m holding a Xanga meet-up at a local Walmart bathroom at3AM in the bathroom.  Just show up wearing a blindfold.

I think Xanga would be hell if Gilbert Gottfried read every single post you opened.

A Xanga user walks into a bar and someone approaches that user and asks if they can buy them a drink. The Xanga user then says, “*You’re and *to”.  Yeah that sounded better in my head.

I got thinking about dying and I’m sort of freaked out by what would happen on Xanga.  So help me if people who aren’t my friends now say anything about me after I’m dead I’m going to come back and haunt them.

I once got an email from a Xangan I won’t name that told me to quit making jokes here because jokes are disrespectful and they only wanted to see me make serious entries and discussions. And you know what I did?  I put my hands up to my mouth and made a long farting noise and said “How’s that for serious?”

I don’t get why people hold grudges on Xanga.  I can’t remember why I blocked 75% of my blocked list.  Maybe I should unblock them.  So many people have victim complexes on Xanga.  It’s pretty sad actually.  I mean there are actual victims out there and people complain that someone on Xanga disagreed with them.  Boo-hoo!  Xanga is Xanga and not fucking Fight Club.  Remember, at the end of the day, Xanga is just a website not your life.

If Edward Snowden wants to disappear he should probably start a Xanga account.

People are talking about anxiety over losing Xanga friends.  I can see that because I’m still having anxiety attacks over selecting my Myspace top friends.

The good news about Xanga closing on July 15^th will be that it’s also the day that Twinkies are back on store shelves.  I guess we’ll have some place to go for consolation.  Also, suck it people who bought all those Twinkies when it was announced that they were no longer being produced.

I’m convinced that these jokes are funny and if you don’t laugh it’s because of inferior vocabulary skills on your part or my part…mos tlikely my part.

Now that the NHL and NBA are over, I’m ready for football. Getting ready by playing “Jump Around” on my stereo.

I was going to post tonight but another thunderstorm is rolling through and it’s getting nasty. I am sick of rain and flooding.

I don’t know what’s going on anymore but I want you all to know I love you.

(I wrote this in January of 2011.  I think it was right before or during Charlie Sheen’s meltdown.)

For a long time I’ve been an aspiring comedy writer.  I was getting interest in some of my non-Xanga writings but the writers strike blew my chances of getting into the business.  I am trying again but I find that living in the wilderness is hurting my chances.  Anyway, enough of my bitching, here’s a script I wrote for Two and a Half Men.

In case you don’t know this show, here’s the cast.
Hi, I’m Charlie.  I’m a sex fiend and booze hound

Hi, I’m Allen.  I’m neurotic and quite possibly a closeted homosexual.

Hi, I’m Jake.  I am a complete dumbass.  Ha…I said ass.

Hi, I’m Evelyn and Charlie and Allen are the children I don’t deserve.

Hi, I’m Rose.  I’m completely obsessed with Charlie although I’m hot enough to land any guy on the planet, I keep trying to score a syphilis ridden Charlie.

  Hi, I’m Berta.  I’m Charlie’s wise-cracking house keeper.  I clean his house because he’s too busy trolling for skanks.

Hi, I’m whore #38 and I’m only vital to this storyline.
Canned laughter is in italics

Scene one
Charlie’s house.

*Drinking Irish coffee* I’m drunk and I think women are nothing more than sex toys.
HAHAHAHAHA
*Allen doing something neurotic* Charlie, that’s not right.  You’re impossible.  *Allen does something slightly revealing his homosexuality*
HAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen’s latent homosexuality*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Shouting from other room* Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in the dvd player
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why did I have children?  You two are worthless.
HAHAHAHAH
*Climbing up deck*  Charlie can you taste the roofies I put in your coffee?
HAHAHAHA
No, Rose, even though you spike my drinks and I love you and to hide my feelings for you I use women like toilet paper, you will never have me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh we’ll see about that.
HAHAHAHA

Scene two
Charlie’s house
Charlie, how can you say I’m just a sex toy?
HAHAHA
I’m drunk and horny!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, that is reprehensible!
HAHAHAHA
Charlie, I’m leaving you!
AWWW
Fine, that means more booze for me.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, I can’t believe you!
HAHAHA
Yes, Charlie if you were my son I’d be ashamed to be your mother!
HAHAHAHAHA
Pour me a drink!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Charlie’s alcoholism and STDs*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Popping up from deck* I hear you’re single.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Beat it, Rose!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shoot, the roofies haven’t worked
HAHAHAHAHA
Hey, Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in a peanut butter jar.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Scene 3
Charlie’s house

Charlie, are you ready to talk?
*crickets*
Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson and you’re more than a sex toy. You’re a sex robot.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie that is despicable!
HAHAHA
It’s just the booze talking.  I love whore #38.
AWWW
Well I still love you even though it’s clear that no one understands the meaning of the word love!
AWWWW
Charlie even though I despise your very being, you’re my brother and I appreciate you, now I’m off to go hang out at the adult video arcade hoping that someone joins me in the booth and then contemplate suicide.
HAHAHAHAHA
Yes, Charlie you are a great person and it’s good to hear you learned your lesson.  I suppose I will admit you are my child.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*On back deck, looking in* Darn, I need to get more roofies, seems he’s built a tolerance.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey Uncle Charlie, my penis is covered with peanut butter and stuck in the dvd player.  Can you believe I make $400,000 per episode?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen’s poor parenting and Jake’s inability to please women in the future.*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Time to start a new bottle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(I wrote this in April of 2011.  I thought it was appropriate to share today.  R.I.P. James Gandolfini.)

I’ve had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it’s always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say.  In the past I’ve had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, and The Crisis in Egypt.

On Friday April 15th, the FBI charged 3 of the major online poker sites with criminal activities and blocked American residents from using these sites and putting a freeze on all money accounts. 

So to keep the tradition alive, here is a guest blogger to cover what has been called “Black Friday” in the online poker world.  The guest blogger’s views do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

So the FBI threw out some indictments against some computer poker rings.  I couldn’t be happier.  Of course the obvious reason I’m happy is that I get put on the back burner and the FBI stops hassling me, my family, and my friends. Just because my name ends in a vowel doesn’t mean I’m in the mafia.  I’m just a businessman in the waste management industry.  These stereotypes are old.  Besides there is no such thing as the mafia.  Sure, Italians had to band together when they first came to America but that’s because people didn’t consider them to be American or white.  They thought they were a bunch of moulinyans.  Now if someone insinuates I’m mobbed up, I give them a turban.
OK, so I do some money lending and I take bets for sporting games and I run a card game of high rollers but that doesn’t mean I’m in something called the mob or Cosa Nostra.  So my card game, you’d like it but I don’t know if you can get in.  You need a few grand to get some ziti for my game.  See you’d be sitting with the best of the best.  Frank Sinatra Jr., the chairboy of the board.  You may also see that guy who does all the commercials for dick surgery on the TV.  Lawrence Taylor and David Lee Roth have been known to sit in on a game.  What’s that, you feel lucky?  I wipe my ass with your feelings.  OK I’ll float you 10 boxes of ziti but I’m going to have to tack on 5 points a week and that’s on top of the principle, capisce?  The vig’s higher for you because you aren’t blood.
You need some good lingo when playing at my poker table.  You need to be able to talk shit which is something you can’t do on the internet poker.  You just sit there and watch a screen.  Here you talk to the other players.  Last game, I lay down 4 queens and I tell everyone that I eat more queens than Lancelot.  I guess you had to be there.  You have to make your moves faster than the internet and unlike the internet you have to look at your opponents.  Some times you make bad reads but remember a wrong decision is better than indecision.  It’s better to lose a few chips than sit there like some stunad with your cazzo in your hand. 
My dad used to run this game and I inherited it.  Oh you should have seen those games.  I loved my dad and I feared him too mostly because his favorite child development tool was a belt.  For the longest time I thought my dad was a cowboy.  They told me he was in Montana working on a ranch.  Turned out he was in prison.
Another thing you may find that’s better about playing in my card game than at the internet is the gabbagol.  That’s right, you eat like some sort of barbaro.  You’d probably sit there and eat something like Pizza Hut.  Here, you get the bagel, the lox, the cream cheese.  We set out a spread.  Make sure you try the prosciut.  Also, if I let you in this game you can’t make any mistakes on how you act.  You have to live by the old Italian saying, “You fuck up, you lose your teeth.”  You know what?  I can’t lend you money.  It’s not that I don’t have it, it’s just that I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you if you didn’t pay me back.
You have any idea what certain people would do to me if they found out I was talking on this two-bit rag you call a blog?  OK, enough of this internet shit, those cookies make me nervous.  Fanabla, finook!  End of story.

Remember the views of the guest blogger or insinuations into his line of work do not reflect those of GodfatherofGreenBay.

Tony Soprano died

Recommend this post if you are here only to rebel against your Amish parents.

This post is also an appreciation post for everyone who has tolerated me over the years.

Because of the NSA, all my phone sex conversations are now threesomes.  SCORE!

Did you know that every single rectal thermometer is individually tested?  I don’t know if I could tolerate that job because I hear it’s a real pain in the ass.  Yeah, lame, I know.  But could you imagine coming home to your wife after having thermometers shoved up your ass all day?  “How was your day at work, dear?”  “Well I tested 100 thermometers and only 5were defective.  I also have a new co-worker and he isn’t as gentle as Bob.”  Oh and something about walking bowlegged.

Telling someone who smokes that it is bad for them is like explaining to a prostitute that she is exposing herself to higher risks of being infected with an STD or becoming pregnant.

I find our society to be absolute shit when people eat toilet paper without being questioned but the moment someone eats meat they are labeled a murderer and questioned about the morality behind their decision toeat meat.

I wish I had a metal detector but instead of detecting metal it would detect people who wanted to have sex with me.

I think the reason I’m so ugly is because I’m so funny and God just wanted to make it fair for everyone else.

One of the things I find most distasteful about living in Wisconsin is if you go out driving at night on rural roads it will sound like rain hitting your windshield but in actuality you’re hitting hundreds of bugs.  Then you have to clean your windshield and wipers won’t do.

Whenever I get rejected I figure that person is secretly in love with me and can’t come to terms with their emotions.

If crying burned a lot of calories, I’d have the same body as Christian Bale in The Machinist.

The Oscar Meyer factory in Madison was flying a rainbow flag this past week.  And I don’t want to sing the Oscar Meyer wiener song or tangle with the wienermobile because I’m worried about modifications.  “My wiener has a first name and it’s S-C-H-U-P-T-W-U-R-S-T and my wiener has a second name and it’s S-C-H-N-I-C-K-E-L-P-F-E-I-F-E-R-F-L-E-I-S-H-E-R-H-A-N-S-G-R-U-B-E-R”

I hate traveling in time to tell Nostradamus jokes because he always says, “I know where this is going” before I deliver the punchline.

OK I’m going to share a magic trick with you.  Take your age and add 50 to it.  Now take that number and subtract 50.  The answer will be your age.  TA-DA!

My mom always said, “Nothing beats a good long poop.”  She also said, “Matthew, stop making up things that I said and posting them on the internet.”

Did you know there’s a phone number that’s an anonymous tip line where you can call in if you suspect kids are drinking illegally?  It’s 1-800-UNDER21.  It should be more like 1-800-FUNKILL

Apparently I look suicidal if I’m not constantly smiling.  I went down to the lake so I could do some swimming.  I wanted to setup a rope swing so I was throwing the rope over a large branch and a cop happened to see me and he came running and screaming that my life was worth living.  Hell yeah it’s worth living especially if I can do some rope swinging.

If it wasn’t for the internet I’d probably have a doctorate by now.

Since gold prices are so high, I’m thinking of drinking a lot of Goldschlager and then taking my turds to Cash4Gold.

I banged Stacy’s mom and she did not have it going on.

I’m pretty sure having a baby would be pretty awesome just as long as the baby wouldn’t cry and the baby was actually a Big Buck Hunter arcade game and a kegerator.

A girl called me a douche today.  I was so shocked that my sunglasses fell off my forehead and I was about to fall over but thankfully my popped collar helped me stay upright.

I find it disheartening to have a job where no one asks me to do my Godzilla impersonation.

Women are like waterslides. You have to stand around to have fun and then it only lasts 30 seconds.

The next time you see a kid wearing a Ramones shirt, ask them what their favorite Ramones song is. Then sit back and enjoy the silence. Also if you see a kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt, ask the same thing.

How is it 2013 and they haven’t invented a vacuum cleaner that sucks more than Gianna Michaels giving head?

I have hands.  You have boobs.  What an interesting turn of events!

I hate that saying about how if you dream about someone then that means they miss you.  Danny DeVito has made numerous appearances in my dreams and I doubt he’s missing me.

I sort of want a summer job. Is there anyone out there that wants to hire me to walk around their house in a French maid’s uniform and do nothing?

I was saddened to learn that there isn’t a Godfather’s Day.  What am I supposed to do with this horse head?

I wonder why my kids never called to wish me a happy Father’s Day.  Ungrateful imaginary brats!

If you ever want to see how irrationally angry people can become, buy a Beatles shirt and tell people that you don’t know what a Beatle is but just like the way the shirt looks on you.

If Myspace made it to see 2013 then you can make it through your day.  Xanga on the other hand…

I like my girls like how I like my coffee.  Do they make coffee that’s emotionally supportive?  No?  Shit. I will try that joke again.

I didn’t see the new Superman movie.  It looks like an elaborate prequel to a Shaquille O’Neal movie.  I also heard it was unbelievable because they show that the daily newspaper is alive and well and sends out reporters on international assignments.

I wish it was acceptable for guys to carry purses.  Do you know how hard it is to fit tampons in a wallet?

It seems like everyone tries to make small talk about the weather with me.  This is why I always carry a Farmer’s Almanac with me and why I need a purse.

My three favorite movies are Matrix Revolutions, Matrix Reloaded, and The Notebook.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I find it funny that people demand Mexican immigrants learn our language yet demand they keep cooking their food so we can have delicious Mexican restaurants everywhere.

I’ve been thinking that when I become famous I should get a coat made of Sasquatch fur or Loch Ness Monster scales so that when the paparazzi try to take photos of me they all come out blurry.

My dick is so big that it can’t be photographed and anyone who catches a glimpse of it tells their friends they’ve seen the Sascrotch.

How am I supposed to be focused when they put beer in shiny metal cans and bottles?

I’m worried that I won’t find a woman who hates me as much as I hate myself.

Whenever I see a urinal with the sign “Sorry, I’m Out of Order,” I think, “Gee whiz, a urinal that can write!  That’s awesome!”

I don’t get why guys would spike drinks at bars.  Alcohol is expensive.  If a girl leaves a drink unattended, I’m going to drink it.

Ladies, I’m easy on the eyes because I aim for the mouth.

Dildos are like Taco Bell. You know you’re not getting real meat but it’ll do.

I really hate being a Grammar Nazi but shouldn’t it be “The Diary of A Frank”?  Thank you, I will now accept my award for “Best in the world at overcompensating for having a micropenis by being a Grammar Nazi”.

If they have gum to curb nicotine addiction, why isn’t there a crack gum?

A lot of people tell me I should be outraged over Monsanto.  It’s sort of hard when their name sounds like a Jamaican Santa Claus.

I once heard an ad man say that companies avoid naming products with words that begin with the letter “V” because it makes people think of vaginas.  Since when is thinking of vaginas a bad thing?

I find it funny that the people who cheered for the Patriot Act under Bush hate it now that Obama’s in office.  This is what you wanted.

The worst part about butt dialing someone on my cellphone is that my butt’s usually better at flirting than I am.

I recently applied for a coaching position at Minnesota State: Mankato.  They were happy to hear I had no children.

Either I’m getting picky or the amount of bangable women at this Denny’s is dwindling.

Most guys can’t pull off wearing sweat pants in a strip club.  I’m not most guys.

In honor of Flag Day, I wished our politicians would honor the flag instead of wiping their asses with it.

Have you ever been upset because you don’t have any pockets to carry your harmonica?

Why do people put “26.2” stickers on their cars?  That’s a sticker saying you’ve ran a marathon.  Who cares because you’re driving a car?  I have a 13.1 sticker on my car but that’s telling everyone how endowed I am.

I saw a Panera Bread restaurant and wished it was Pantera Bread.  I’d totally eat the vulgar display of chicken salad sandwich.

I tried to write something in cursive three months ago and went on a drug binge and that’s how I was placed in this rehab facility.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, a place where you can argue about rape, homosexuality, politics, body image, cutting, biting your nails, and whether or not the moon exists or is made of cheese.

Another new Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where dead horses aren’t safe.

I was on Omegle and I gave about 5 people my url to Xanga but none of them were in total disbelief that they were talking with THE godfatherofgreenbay of Xanga and Tumblr fame.

Do you ever look at your Xanga and say, “I have great taste in everything”?  I do that on a daily basis.  I also wonder why no one has ever punched me in the face yet.

How to lose followers on Xanga:  tell people that things from your childhood are better than things from their childhood, inform people that they are acting like bigger dicks than the people on Xanga whose sole purpose here is to act like dicks, have an opinion, breathe.

It’s all fun and games until a 23 year old hipster vegan animal rights activist is offended by your Xanga.  It’s also all fun and games until a middle aged Pakistani man sends you a friend request here and he’s fully nude.

For inane drivel, we have Facebook.  For witty, inane drivel, we have Twitter.  For insane, inane drama, we have Xanga.  Long live Xanga!

What if a Xangan ran for president and totally forgot about posts they made on Xanga?  Then the person they’re running against finds it and uses the posts about how they think Paris Hilton is a complete whore and their ardent support of cats against them.  Just image the lawsuits.

People who say Xanga is dead have a dead soul.

I like to image that when you read this that you laugh like an America’s Funniest Home Videos audience.