I thought the beef was from a male cow but I guess that was a miss steak.

These Speedos really do bring out my personality.

Gordon Ramsay wears Crocs. How good of a chef can he really be? What a Croc of shit!

I think the reason tears have salt in them is because Mother Nature wants them to burn because it gets you to stop crying and being such a pansy.

Have you ever thought about balloons as gifts?  It’s like you’re giving someone a bag of your breath.  Hopefully you didn’t eat onions before you blew it up otherwise you could be charged with chemical warfare which is totally a violation of the Geneva Convention.

I think JFK’s inauguration speech would’ve had more impact if it had been, “Ask not what the pussy can do for you but what you can do for the pussy.”

While on the topic of pussy…overheard at school “Her pussy is looser than the speed limit enforcement in this town.”

I tutored a pregnant 6^th grader today.  Also, if any of you are thinking of becoming a teacher, I listened to a kid give a ten minute Power Point presentation on dubstep.

A girl once had a mental breakdown because my boobs were bigger than hers.

I hear people talking about “nudes”.  What are they?  Can someone show me?

Why do people take photos of their buttholes?  Even better, why are there people who want to see photos of buttholes?  And still, who decides one day that they want to stick their tongue on a butthole?  What the fuck is wrong with this world?

I texted a girl that I’m hornet.  She thought it was a typo.  She’ll soon find out the truth.

I have always wondered if there is a dumbass out there who has watched a few seasons of Dexter and thought that he could get away with murder and then actually tried.  I have wondered if I could but I’m not dumbass enough to try.

I’m a lot like my refrigerator.  I’m cold on the inside and filled with processed cheese and lunch meats.

Have you ever choked on your own spit and then felt like natural selection was trying to tell you something?

They say blood is thicker than water but mayonnaise is thicker than blood so I guess that means I have to put egg salad before my family.

I originally wanted to be cremated but since I live near a funeral home I ask the funeral director if he could get me in the coffin and have me flexing my amazing 24 inch pythons for all eternity and he said he could.  So I’m going to be buried flexing my muscles and my tombstone is going to read “Ripped in Peace”.

Why are there guys named “Dick” and no girls named “Pussy”?  That’s sexist.

Obama’s dog is more popular than I am and that sort of makes me upset.

So it’s June now. Looks like I’ve wasted five months of the year.  Oh well, here’s to wasting another seven.

Thanks to The Great Gatsby, every time I can’t remember someone’s name I call them “old sport”.

Is there baking soda in your refrigerator?  Legend has it that if there is baking soda in there that it’s so old that if you eat a spoonful it’s like tripping on acid.

I once performed cunnilingus on a girl during Law and Order: SVU.  It didn’t last long because the weird sex stuff they were talking about on the show killed the mood.

Why are white people the only people who talk about nationalities with fractions?

My sense of humor can be best described as “Oh my god” and “Please stop, this is a funeral”.

When is VH-1 going to have a “Pope Benedict: Where are they Now” special?

I need to get something off my chest.  It’s my shirt.  Let’s have sex.

I can’t believe people think it’s OK for a girl to be a Lebanese.  What has the world come to?

I put the “semen” in “amusement”.

A local newspaper hired me to write an expose on the materials used at the Build-A-Bear Workshop. It’s a total fluff piece.

I can’t think of anything worse than name-dropping.  Jay-Z, Kanye West, Donald Trump, and Bono told me they hate it as well.

I am so confused by women. They are like a Rubik’s Cube strapped on to a crossword puzzle mixed with Sudoku with a dash of quantum physics all while embodied by a terrorist screaming at you in Esperanto.

Sometimes I’ll make a post, notice a typo, delete everything, and then rewrite it, and then notice another tpyo, delete everything and then rewrite it and then unplug my computer, and enter Witness Protection because I fear the grammar Nazis will get me.  And then sometimes I don’t bohter proorfeadnig.

Sometimes I wish it was really possible to eat nothing but Taco Bell without dying of malnutrition and dehydration because of the explosive diarrhea.

I am going to come out and say it…I hate Jehovah’s Witnesses.  You can’t blame me because I’m of Italian descent so I hate witnesses of any variety.

Hamburger Helper is powerless when the hamburger doesn’t want to be helped.  Then you may have to stage an intervention.

I hate when people say “fuck the police”.  You should really take the police out on a few dates, get to know them, and then make sweet, passionate love to them but only if they consent.  And then you stop calling them and you make them cry and suffer like that bitch who tore out my heart and stomped on it with her heels. Oh she was busy.  Every single time I called how can someone be that busy. I mean seriously how can you be busy at 4AM?  I was looking in her windows and she didn’t look busy to me.

Girls just wanna have fun and if by “fun” you mean “have my babies” then yes.

I heard a girl say how much she loved classic rock and how Mick Jagger was her favorite member of Aerosmith.  Stick to the One Direction, sweetheart.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I love when people release doves at weddings because nothing says true love like an animal escaping for their life.

If there were no bad parents there probably wouldn’t be any porn.

Not to brag but I think I’m the sexiest person at the Chinese buffet.  But then I don’t play hard to get because I’m too busy playing hard to want.

If you love someone just tell them or you could get drunk and text them like 75 times.  Both are pretty much the same.

Sometimes I sit back and shake my head in disbelief at how humble I am.

Gatorade’s new slogan is “Is it in you?”  Ironically that was my motto when I had sex.

When I leave the house with my fly down it’s not an accident, it’s an invitation.

One time when I was in high school my dad asked me to pickup some breakfast burritos from McDonald’s on my way home from work.  I forgot and when he asked where the breakfast burritos were the next morning I quick got a few tortillas and threw some cheerios and cheese on them and he didn’t know the difference.

If God didn’t want us to drink beer then why did he make our hands perfectly fit a beer can. Checkmate teetotalers.

I was at a bar and the guy next to me complained that his drink was too strong.  I grabbed it,downed it, and handed him back the empty glass with the ice and said, “Fixed it, pussy.”

Everyone says that the key to get a woman to like you is by making them laugh.  It hasn’t worked for me so if anyone asks me how to get a woman to like them I’d say that they should buy them sparkly, expensive shit.

When people say, “living the dream,” I always get creeped out because most of my dreams involve me playing hacky sack with Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the wolfman, Mitt Romney, and Dane Cook at a Phish concert.  I don’t want to live that at all.

Ladies, if a guy sends you a text message that contains consonants and vowels, it means he wants to have sex.

Guns don’t kill people. Wounds from bullets that are shot from guns kill people.  Also obesity, heart attacks, cancer, AIDS,face eating zombies, and people kill people.

I was worried and thought my house was haunted.  Turns out one of my neighbors was playing his new theremin.

I went on a date with a girl who got offended when she saw that I had unused condoms in my wallet. Good thing she didn’t see the used ones.

Rec this post if you enjoy orgasms.  If you don’t rec it that says a lot about you.

A spider got into my shoe and because of that I made it to the finals of So You Think You Can Dance.

How much are you supposed to talk about the fear of dying alone on a second date?  I’m not sure if I said too much or not enough.  I figure that if the date went well I got a kiss at the end but if it went bad I will spend eternity alone.

What music genre would you recommend for a guy who loves rhyming and bragging about material possessions?

HAHAHAHA!  You fools!  What you think are spam emails have provided me with numerous iPads and a massive penis!

I’m a gentle lover mostly because I have a flaccid penis.  But at least it's massive thanks to those emails.

If you have sex with an Asian girl, does your penis become blurry?

Maybe I’ll join the new Xanga after all.  The only thing is the new GodfatherofGreenBay blog will be different.  It will follow all my sexual exploits just as soon as I finish building my sex robot.  Until then, if anyone needs me, I’ll be lowering my standards on JDate and OnlineBootyCall.  I am conflicted with internet dating because part of me thinks it’s creepy and then part of me wants to have sex with a stranger I met on the internet.

Xanga needs to follow the business model of my porn site…POST MORE PORN!

If I’m ever referred to as the Clint Howard of Xanga then I’m done.

I think Xanga is a gloryhole for the mind.

Before Xanga, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “Can vampires get HIV since it’s a blood borne disease?”  Now I post them in these posts.

Xanga is the reason the internet can’t have nice things.

I blame Xanga for destroying my ability to distinguish between sad personal tales of woe and jokes.

No matter what you post on Xanga, there’ll always be someone who will bitch about it so post what you want unless it offends me.

Tomorrow, I’ll be blogging telepathically so if you think of something funny that’s just me inside your head.

I think people follow me on Xanga because they think I live an exciting life and then they follow me on Facebook and learning I’m boring.

I think the moral of the story is we’ve all been on Xanga way too long.

New Xanga motto: Stop being rude and start being nude.

Geez, Xanga is going to die before me.  I was planning on having you all come to my funeral and have each of you read one of my posts so that everyone in the crowd would realize it was good that I was dead. Thanks a lot for ruining my plans, Xanga Team.  While we’re at it, I really don’t want to pledge money or pay for something that’s free unless Xanga has a business plan in place and they have someone who can operate the finances of this site because obviously the old crew couldn’t do the work because if they could then Xanga wouldn’t be in this mess.  I say we make theologianscafe the CEO of Xanga: ANUSTART