Tony Soprano died

Recommend this post if you are here only to rebel against your Amish parents.

This post is also an appreciation post for everyone who has tolerated me over the years.

Because of the NSA, all my phone sex conversations are now threesomes.  SCORE!

Did you know that every single rectal thermometer is individually tested?  I don’t know if I could tolerate that job because I hear it’s a real pain in the ass.  Yeah, lame, I know.  But could you imagine coming home to your wife after having thermometers shoved up your ass all day?  “How was your day at work, dear?”  “Well I tested 100 thermometers and only 5were defective.  I also have a new co-worker and he isn't as gentle as Bob.”  Oh and something about walking bowlegged.

Telling someone who smokes that it is bad for them is like explaining to a prostitute that she is exposing herself to higher risks of being infected with an STD or becoming pregnant.

I find our society to be absolute shit when people eat toilet paper without being questioned but the moment someone eats meat they are labeled a murderer and questioned about the morality behind their decision toeat meat.

I wish I had a metal detector but instead of detecting metal it would detect people who wanted to have sex with me.

I think the reason I’m so ugly is because I’m so funny and God just wanted to make it fair for everyone else.

One of the things I find most distasteful about living in Wisconsin is if you go out driving at night on rural roads it will sound like rain hitting your windshield but in actuality you’re hitting hundreds of bugs.  Then you have to clean your windshield and wipers won’t do.

Whenever I get rejected I figure that person is secretly in love with me and can’t come to terms with their emotions.

If crying burned a lot of calories, I’d have the same body as Christian Bale in The Machinist.

The Oscar Meyer factory in Madison was flying a rainbow flag this past week.  And I don’t want to sing the Oscar Meyer wiener song or tangle with the wienermobile because I’m worried about modifications.  “My wiener has a first name and it’s S-C-H-U-P-T-W-U-R-S-T and my wiener has a second name and it’s S-C-H-N-I-C-K-E-L-P-F-E-I-F-E-R-F-L-E-I-S-H-E-R-H-A-N-S-G-R-U-B-E-R”

I hate traveling in time to tell Nostradamus jokes because he always says, “I know where this is going” before I deliver the punchline.

OK I’m going to share a magic trick with you.  Take your age and add 50 to it.  Now take that number and subtract 50.  The answer will be your age.  TA-DA!

My mom always said, “Nothing beats a good long poop.”  She also said, “Matthew, stop making up things that I said and posting them on the internet.”

Did you know there’s a phone number that’s an anonymous tip line where you can call in if you suspect kids are drinking illegally?  It’s 1-800-UNDER21.  It should be more like 1-800-FUNKILL

Apparently I look suicidal if I’m not constantly smiling.  I went down to the lake so I could do some swimming.  I wanted to setup a rope swing so I was throwing the rope over a large branch and a cop happened to see me and he came running and screaming that my life was worth living.  Hell yeah it’s worth living especially if I can do some rope swinging.

If it wasn’t for the internet I’d probably have a doctorate by now.

Since gold prices are so high, I’m thinking of drinking a lot of Goldschlager and then taking my turds to Cash4Gold.

I banged Stacy’s mom and she did not have it going on.

I’m pretty sure having a baby would be pretty awesome just as long as the baby wouldn’t cry and the baby was actually a Big Buck Hunter arcade game and a kegerator.

A girl called me a douche today.  I was so shocked that my sunglasses fell off my forehead and I was about to fall over but thankfully my popped collar helped me stay upright.

I find it disheartening to have a job where no one asks me to do my Godzilla impersonation.

Women are like waterslides. You have to stand around to have fun and then it only lasts 30 seconds.

The next time you see a kid wearing a Ramones shirt, ask them what their favorite Ramones song is. Then sit back and enjoy the silence. Also if you see a kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt, ask the same thing.

How is it 2013 and they haven’t invented a vacuum cleaner that sucks more than Gianna Michaels giving head?

I have hands.  You have boobs.  What an interesting turn of events!

I hate that saying about how if you dream about someone then that means they miss you.  Danny DeVito has made numerous appearances in my dreams and I doubt he’s missing me.

I sort of want a summer job. Is there anyone out there that wants to hire me to walk around their house in a French maid’s uniform and do nothing?

I was saddened to learn that there isn’t a Godfather’s Day.  What am I supposed to do with this horse head?

I wonder why my kids never called to wish me a happy Father’s Day.  Ungrateful imaginary brats!

If you ever want to see how irrationally angry people can become, buy a Beatles shirt and tell people that you don’t know what a Beatle is but just like the way the shirt looks on you.

If Myspace made it to see 2013 then you can make it through your day.  Xanga on the other hand…

I like my girls like how I like my coffee.  Do they make coffee that’s emotionally supportive?  No?  Shit. I will try that joke again.

I didn’t see the new Superman movie.  It looks like an elaborate prequel to a Shaquille O’Neal movie.  I also heard it was unbelievable because they show that the daily newspaper is alive and well and sends out reporters on international assignments.

I wish it was acceptable for guys to carry purses.  Do you know how hard it is to fit tampons in a wallet?

It seems like everyone tries to make small talk about the weather with me.  This is why I always carry a Farmer’s Almanac with me and why I need a purse.

My three favorite movies are Matrix Revolutions, Matrix Reloaded, and The Notebook.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I find it funny that people demand Mexican immigrants learn our language yet demand they keep cooking their food so we can have delicious Mexican restaurants everywhere.

I’ve been thinking that when I become famous I should get a coat made of Sasquatch fur or Loch Ness Monster scales so that when the paparazzi try to take photos of me they all come out blurry.

My dick is so big that it can’t be photographed and anyone who catches a glimpse of it tells their friends they’ve seen the Sascrotch.

How am I supposed to be focused when they put beer in shiny metal cans and bottles?

I’m worried that I won’t find a woman who hates me as much as I hate myself.

Whenever I see a urinal with the sign “Sorry, I’m Out of Order,” I think, “Gee whiz, a urinal that can write!  That’s awesome!”

I don’t get why guys would spike drinks at bars.  Alcohol is expensive.  If a girl leaves a drink unattended, I’m going to drink it.

Ladies, I’m easy on the eyes because I aim for the mouth.

Dildos are like Taco Bell. You know you’re not getting real meat but it’ll do.

I really hate being a Grammar Nazi but shouldn’t it be “The Diary of A Frank”?  Thank you, I will now accept my award for “Best in the world at overcompensating for having a micropenis by being a Grammar Nazi”.

If they have gum to curb nicotine addiction, why isn’t there a crack gum?

A lot of people tell me I should be outraged over Monsanto.  It’s sort of hard when their name sounds like a Jamaican Santa Claus.

I once heard an ad man say that companies avoid naming products with words that begin with the letter “V” because it makes people think of vaginas.  Since when is thinking of vaginas a bad thing?

I find it funny that the people who cheered for the Patriot Act under Bush hate it now that Obama’s in office.  This is what you wanted.

The worst part about butt dialing someone on my cellphone is that my butt’s usually better at flirting than I am.

I recently applied for a coaching position at Minnesota State: Mankato.  They were happy to hear I had no children.

Either I’m getting picky or the amount of bangable women at this Denny’s is dwindling.

Most guys can’t pull off wearing sweat pants in a strip club.  I’m not most guys.

In honor of Flag Day, I wished our politicians would honor the flag instead of wiping their asses with it.

Have you ever been upset because you don’t have any pockets to carry your harmonica?

Why do people put “26.2” stickers on their cars?  That’s a sticker saying you’ve ran a marathon.  Who cares because you’re driving a car?  I have a 13.1 sticker on my car but that’s telling everyone how endowed I am.

I saw a Panera Bread restaurant and wished it was Pantera Bread.  I’d totally eat the vulgar display of chicken salad sandwich.

I tried to write something in cursive three months ago and went on a drug binge and that’s how I was placed in this rehab facility.

New Xanga motto: Welcome to Xanga, a place where you can argue about rape, homosexuality, politics, body image, cutting, biting your nails, and whether or not the moon exists or is made of cheese.

Another new Xanga motto: Xanga, a place where dead horses aren’t safe.

I was on Omegle and I gave about 5 people my url to Xanga but none of them were in total disbelief that they were talking with THE godfatherofgreenbay of Xanga and Tumblr fame.

Do you ever look at your Xanga and say, “I have great taste in everything”?  I do that on a daily basis.  I also wonder why no one has ever punched me in the face yet.

How to lose followers on Xanga:  tell people that things from your childhood are better than things from their childhood, inform people that they are acting like bigger dicks than the people on Xanga whose sole purpose here is to act like dicks, have an opinion, breathe.

It’s all fun and games until a 23 year old hipster vegan animal rights activist is offended by your Xanga.  It’s also all fun and games until a middle aged Pakistani man sends you a friend request here and he’s fully nude.

For inane drivel, we have Facebook.  For witty, inane drivel, we have Twitter.  For insane, inane drama, we have Xanga.  Long live Xanga!

What if a Xangan ran for president and totally forgot about posts they made on Xanga?  Then the person they’re running against finds it and uses the posts about how they think Paris Hilton is a complete whore and their ardent support of cats against them.  Just image the lawsuits.

People who say Xanga is dead have a dead soul.

I like to image that when you read this that you laugh like an America’s Funniest Home Videos audience.