June 20, 2013

• Guest Blogger: FBI Seizes Online Poker Sites

  (I wrote this in April of 2011.  I thought it was appropriate to share today.  R.I.P. James Gandolfini.)

  I've had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it's always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say.  In the past I've had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, and The Crisis in Egypt.

  On Friday April 15th, the FBI charged 3 of the major online poker sites with criminal activities and blocked American residents from using these sites and putting a freeze on all money accounts. 

  So to keep the tradition alive, here is a guest blogger to cover what has been called "Black Friday" in the online poker world.  The guest blogger's views do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

  My guest blogger:

  

  Waste management businessman, Tony Soprano.

  So the FBI threw out some indictments against some computer poker rings.  I couldn't be happier.  Of course the obvious reason I'm happy is that I get put on the back burner and the FBI stops hassling me, my family, and my friends. Just because my name ends in a vowel doesn't mean I'm in the mafia.  I'm just a businessman in the waste management industry.  These stereotypes are old.  Besides there is no such thing as the mafia.  Sure, Italians had to band together when they first came to America but that's because people didn't consider them to be American or white.  They thought they were a bunch of moulinyans.  Now if someone insinuates I'm mobbed up, I give them a turban.
  OK, so I do some money lending and I take bets for sporting games and I run a card game of high rollers but that doesn't mean I'm in something called the mob or Cosa Nostra.  So my card game, you'd like it but I don't know if you can get in.  You need a few grand to get some ziti for my game.  See you'd be sitting with the best of the best.  Frank Sinatra Jr., the chairboy of the board.  You may also see that guy who does all the commercials for dick surgery on the TV.  Lawrence Taylor and David Lee Roth have been known to sit in on a game.  What's that, you feel lucky?  I wipe my ass with your feelings.  OK I'll float you 10 boxes of ziti but I'm going to have to tack on 5 points a week and that's on top of the principle, capisce?  The vig's higher for you because you aren't blood.
  You need some good lingo when playing at my poker table.  You need to be able to talk shit which is something you can't do on the internet poker.  You just sit there and watch a screen.  Here you talk to the other players.  Last game, I lay down 4 queens and I tell everyone that I eat more queens than Lancelot.  I guess you had to be there.  You have to make your moves faster than the internet and unlike the internet you have to look at your opponents.  Some times you make bad reads but remember a wrong decision is better than indecision.  It's better to lose a few chips than sit there like some stunad with your cazzo in your hand. 
  My dad used to run this game and I inherited it.  Oh you should have seen those games.  I loved my dad and I feared him too mostly because his favorite child development tool was a belt.  For the longest time I thought my dad was a cowboy.  They told me he was in Montana working on a ranch.  Turned out he was in prison.
  Another thing you may find that's better about playing in my card game than at the internet is the gabbagol.  That's right, you eat like some sort of barbaro.  You'd probably sit there and eat something like Pizza Hut.  Here, you get the bagel, the lox, the cream cheese.  We set out a spread.  Make sure you try the prosciut.  Also, if I let you in this game you can't make any mistakes on how you act.  You have to live by the old Italian saying, "You fuck up, you lose your teeth."  You know what?  I can't lend you money.  It's not that I don't have it, it's just that I couldn't bring myself to hurt you if you didn't pay me back.
  You have any idea what certain people would do to me if they found out I was talking on this two-bit rag you call a blog?  OK, enough of this internet shit, those cookies make me nervous.  Fanabla, finook!  End of story.

  Remember the views of the guest blogger or insinuations into his line of work do not reflect those of GodfatherofGreenBay.

  • 12:29 PM
  • 7 Comments