(I wrote this in January of 2011.  I think it was right before or during Charlie Sheen's meltdown.)

For a long time I’ve been an aspiring comedy writer.  I was getting interest in some of my non-Xanga writings but the writers strike blew my chances of getting into the business.  I am trying again but I find that living in the wilderness is hurting my chances.  Anyway, enough of my bitching, here’s a script I wrote for Two and a Half Men.

In case you don't know this show, here's the cast.
Hi, I’m Charlie.  I’m a sex fiend and booze hound

Hi, I’m Allen.  I’m neurotic and quite possibly a closeted homosexual.

Hi, I’m Jake.  I am a complete dumbass.  Ha…I said ass.

Hi, I’m Evelyn and Charlie and Allen are the children I don’t deserve.

Hi, I’m Rose.  I’m completely obsessed with Charlie although I’m hot enough to land any guy on the planet, I keep trying to score a syphilis ridden Charlie.

  Hi, I'm Berta.  I'm Charlie's wise-cracking house keeper.  I clean his house because he's too busy trolling for skanks.

Hi, I’m whore #38 and I’m only vital to this storyline.
Canned laughter is in italics

Scene one
Charlie’s house.

*Drinking Irish coffee* I’m drunk and I think women are nothing more than sex toys.
HAHAHAHAHA
*Allen doing something neurotic* Charlie, that’s not right.  You’re impossible.  *Allen does something slightly revealing his homosexuality*
HAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen's latent homosexuality*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Shouting from other room* Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in the dvd player
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why did I have children?  You two are worthless.
HAHAHAHAH
*Climbing up deck*  Charlie can you taste the roofies I put in your coffee?
HAHAHAHA
No, Rose, even though you spike my drinks and I love you and to hide my feelings for you I use women like toilet paper, you will never have me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh we’ll see about that.
HAHAHAHA

Scene two
Charlie’s house
Charlie, how can you say I’m just a sex toy?
HAHAHA
I’m drunk and horny!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, that is reprehensible!
HAHAHAHA
Charlie, I’m leaving you!
AWWW
Fine, that means more booze for me.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, I can’t believe you!
HAHAHA
Yes, Charlie if you were my son I’d be ashamed to be your mother!
HAHAHAHAHA
Pour me a drink!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Charlie's alcoholism and STDs*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Popping up from deck* I hear you’re single.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Beat it, Rose!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shoot, the roofies haven’t worked
HAHAHAHAHA
Hey, Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in a peanut butter jar.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Scene 3
Charlie’s house

Charlie, are you ready to talk?
*crickets*
Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson and you’re more than a sex toy. You’re a sex robot.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie that is despicable!
HAHAHA
It’s just the booze talking.  I love whore #38.
AWWW
Well I still love you even though it's clear that no one understands the meaning of the word love!
AWWWW
Charlie even though I despise your very being, you’re my brother and I appreciate you, now I’m off to go hang out at the adult video arcade hoping that someone joins me in the booth and then contemplate suicide.
HAHAHAHAHA
Yes, Charlie you are a great person and it’s good to hear you learned your lesson.  I suppose I will admit you are my child.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*On back deck, looking in* Darn, I need to get more roofies, seems he’s built a tolerance.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey Uncle Charlie, my penis is covered with peanut butter and stuck in the dvd player.  Can you believe I make $400,000 per episode?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen's poor parenting and Jake's inability to please women in the future.*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Time to start a new bottle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA