Breast Humping (aka titty fucking) is the best form of sex because it is the closest a guy will ever get to a girl’s heart.

Why would I wear pants when I could not wear pants?

No one has a crush on me because I’m too powerful to be crushed.

I’m pretty sure I would’ve been a very cool land baron.

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and be Batman.  Now that I’m an adult and since I just watched the entire modern series on Netflix, I want to be Dr. Who.

I love donuts because they aren’t self-centered.

Do you ever look at your old photos and think, “What happened to that shirt?”

If you got an email from me that only said “Hello”, I was hacked.  I really am shy and probably wouldn’t say anything if I saw you in real life.

So James Gandolfini died. Does anyone know the whereabouts of the Russian from that episode titled “Pine Barrens”?

Since its creation in 1921, the Baby Ruth candy bar has not been eaten by anyone without getting at least 20 tiny pieces of chocolate,nougat, peanuts, or caramel stuck on their shirt, pants, or teeth.  And this is why I eat candy in the nude.

I would never want a girl I’m dating to call me“Daddy”.  It would just make me go buy a pack of cigarettes and never come back.

I think I’d like to live in the 70s but without the social oppression or disco.  I just like the cars and wish cars would be powerful again and not the little weak-ass shit they have on the lots now.

I think the Constitution got it wrong.  They should rewrite it to make my unalienable rights to be life, liberty, and the pursuit of dope-ass swag.

I watched the movie Juno and there were parts that made me cringe.  I think the worst moment is when Jason Bateman’s character says that the mid 90s were the best time for rock n’ roll.  I think that’s when I started exploring bands from the 60s and 70s because I was fed up with the stuff they were playing and telling me it was cool.

I always get nasty looks when I clip my nails while waiting in the doctor’s office.  Come on, people,it’s flip-flop season and my toes can’t look gnarly.

A diet free of meat and animal products may be healthy but you also run the risk of becoming pretentious and bat-shit insane.

What did teenagers do before they had cellphones or cameras to take vain self-shot photos?  I used the instant cameras.  I imagine some before me used Polaroids.  If we keep going back I’m sure that we’ll find out that cave drawings were done by teenagers scratching pictures of themselves on to cave walls.

There are these middle schoolers that live down the block from me that think they are a badass gang because they go around their block drawing swastikas on the sidewalk with chalk. I’ll show them how badass I am by shaking my fist at them while I wash their swastikas away with my garden hose.

If you think long and hard about it you’ll realize that politicians make their money and fame by kissing ass so they are not better than prostitutes and prostitution is illegal so we should lock up politicians.

Contrary to popular belief, ending a sentence with the word “bitch” does not mean it is hilarious, bitch.

OK I was at Pornhub the other day and I noticed their video shave the Facebook “like” button.  Yes, Pornhub, I want to be the first out of my Facebook friends to like the video“Hot Young Slut Takes it Up the Ass and then in the Mouth”.

I’m surprised with all the things you can buy on Amazon that they haven’t started selling spouses or true love.

If you use old Taco Bell hot sauce packets to flavor your Ramen, it tastes just like poverty.

I sometimes think Satan hates Christmas because of all the letters he gets from dyslexic kids.

Sometimes I swear just like a 13 year old boy who has unlimited access to premium cable.

Things I’ve learned from Tumblr: when a girl says she’s ugly do not and I repeat DO NOT tell her that you think she’s beautiful.  Apparently telling someone they’re beautiful means you’re a nasty old pervert.

I’m pissed that Kanye West didn’t name his daughter Adam.  I still think they named her after the Rob Reiner movie North.

If the Kardashians father didn’t get O.J. Simpson off I’m sure one of the Kardashian girls would’ve gotten him off…repeatedly and on film.

Do you remember that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other rapper has nothing to fast talk about?  Well that’s my style of writing.  I insult myself and my small penis so that none of your words can harm me.

I don’t like fake people. I haven’t ever since that clerk at the clothing store informed me that the mannequins would not reply to my asking them out on dates.

The only thing I know about pillow talk is when I ask my pillow why can’t I have a girl in here.

I understand and believe that Jesus paid for my sins but what sort of Jew would I be if I didn’t get my money’s worth?

I’m not judging you if I’m right.

I am craving chocolate so bad lately but at least it’s not as bad as craving her, that dirty whore.

Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no cash, hope, or jobs.  Please don’t let Kanye and North West die because then we won’t have a western hemisphere.

There should be some law that says you can’t complain about wanting bigger boobs or a bigger penis unless you can name one practical purpose that they would give you.

Every culture on earth is much more exciting than white culture.  All we have is putting mayonnaise on French fries and getting excited when we hear 80s music.

Why does every diet pop taste like poison?  Better question…why do I know what poison tastes like?

And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Does my carpet match my drapes?  Well I tore up the carpet to see if there was hardwood under it but there was just blood. So I guess that means yes.

As an optimist, I look at my life and see it as half-filled with regrets.

Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, I want you to butt dial my face.”

If you eat 30 minutes before you have sex does that mean you risk your sperm cramping up during their swim? If so then I’ve found a new birth control method.

The girl who made my sandwich at Subway today was totally out of my league and that was really depressing.

My grandfather’s last words to me were, “Don’t have sex; it will kill you.”  Guess which one of us is still alive.

I will abstain from sex for all eternity and so will my children and their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children.  If someone asks me for sex I will fight to keep my celibacy with water pistols and balloons.

I’m always upset when I see that vending machines don’t have bacon but it doesn’t keep me from checking.

Maury Povich would make a lot of money if he released a “How to Dance” DVD comprised of “you are not the father” victory dances.

I don’t believe Paula Deen ever used the N-word and by N-word I mean “nutrition”.

My favorite type of soup is soup de jour.  I could eat that stuff every day.

I ruined some of my clothes at a screening of World War Z.  I fell asleep and drooled all over them.  I guess I’ll be donating them to the Salivation Army.  Speaking of World War Z…putting on Gene Schallit wig and mustache…World War Z is an apt title because you’ll catch plenty of z’s while watching it.

I was at a special screening of The Lone Ranger and the best line in the movie was “This is my sidekick Tonto.  He’s definitely an Indian even though he looks white.  But, see, he has a feather and painted face.”

Is it alright to go to a Renaissance Fest and ask people when will the bubonic plague hit and wipe out all the riff raff?

Riverdance is the most beautiful thing I’ve never seen.  Well, second most if we include your nude body.

I sometimes wish I was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because then no one would invite me to play Facebook games.

When I first heard the term “flash mob”, I pictured a group of naked mobsters.

I’m playing my own version of Fear Factor tonight.  I just got a Big Mac from McDonald’s, a Seven Layer burrito from Taco Bell, and a pizza from Domino’s.  This is going to get scary.

With all the different flavors of potato chips on the market today, there is no point of buying actual food.

All I’m looking for in a potential wife/girlfriend is someone who will challenge me in a debate of which is better, gummi bears or gummi worms.

Breakfast isn’t the most important meal of the day.  It’s the emotional eating I do that keeps me from crying.

Am I anyone’s Xanga crush? Don’t recommend this post if I am your crush.

I think the secret to successful blogging is to post like you’re an alcoholic nymphomaniac homeless person addicted to Xanax but with a sweet side and stellar grammar.

I’m holding a Xanga meet-up at a local Walmart bathroom at3AM in the bathroom.  Just show up wearing a blindfold.

I think Xanga would be hell if Gilbert Gottfried read every single post you opened.

A Xanga user walks into a bar and someone approaches that user and asks if they can buy them a drink. The Xanga user then says, “*You’re and *to”.  Yeah that sounded better in my head.

I got thinking about dying and I’m sort of freaked out by what would happen on Xanga.  So help me if people who aren’t my friends now say anything about me after I’m dead I’m going to come back and haunt them.

I once got an email from a Xangan I won’t name that told me to quit making jokes here because jokes are disrespectful and they only wanted to see me make serious entries and discussions. And you know what I did?  I put my hands up to my mouth and made a long farting noise and said “How’s that for serious?”

I don’t get why people hold grudges on Xanga.  I can’t remember why I blocked 75% of my blocked list.  Maybe I should unblock them.  So many people have victim complexes on Xanga.  It’s pretty sad actually.  I mean there are actual victims out there and people complain that someone on Xanga disagreed with them.  Boo-hoo!  Xanga is Xanga and not fucking Fight Club.  Remember, at the end of the day, Xanga is just a website not your life.

If Edward Snowden wants to disappear he should probably start a Xanga account.

People are talking about anxiety over losing Xanga friends.  I can see that because I’m still having anxiety attacks over selecting my Myspace top friends.

The good news about Xanga closing on July 15^th will be that it’s also the day that Twinkies are back on store shelves.  I guess we’ll have some place to go for consolation.  Also, suck it people who bought all those Twinkies when it was announced that they were no longer being produced.

I’m convinced that these jokes are funny and if you don’t laugh it’s because of inferior vocabulary skills on your part or my part…mos tlikely my part.