( I had this guest blogger write for my site in January of 2009.  I'll try to be back tomorrow with a new post and responses to your comments.  Life has been in the way the past few days.)

This week President Bush talked about an impending financial doom that could be far worse than the Great Depression of the 1930s.  Well I have procured a guest blogger to talk about the economic problems in America.  My views and language do not reflect those of the guest blogger.  My guest blogger is legendary collegiate basketball coach, Bobby Knight.

Thanks, you fat fuck.

Now, I’m tired of hearing about all this economy shit.  It’s goddamned bullshit.  The Dow Jones sinks 150 points each day.  That’s fucked up. 

Now I’m not going to sit around and let this shit fuck up my stock portfolio.  I’m sick and tired of losing money just like I am sick and tired of losing to Purdue.  This shit has got to stop.  With all the money I’ve lost, I’m reduced to doing color commentary with that zombie Digger Phelps and that stroke victim Dick Vitale.  It’s got to stop.  You may enjoy losing your 401K or having an 8-10 record in the damned Big Ten conference but not me.  I’m demanding when it comes to my financial well being. Hell, I’m the most demanding coach you’ll ever meet.  I’ll show your son how demanding I am on the court and I’ll take your wife in the bedroom and show her how demanding I am in there.

Now when Obama takes office on January 20^th things better change.  And if they don’t change, well you’re not going to understand what the next fucking four years have in store for you.  I’m not going to get my fucking ass handed to me on a damn silver platter because some idiots can’t pay their mortgage.  Now you better understand that right fucking now.

This economic disaster is absolute bullshit.  If you don’t do your part to help out, I’ll make you run like you have never fucking ran before.  If you think you have financial woes, this economy will make you think the 1930s Great Depression was a fucking picnic.  Two fucking years ago Americans were spending $1.20 out of every dollar they earned.  Now they are spending 52cents out of every dollar.  Of course businesses are going out of fucking business.

If I have to sit around here and lose all this money I won’t fucking stand for it.  Those idiots won’t put me in that position.  I’ll get my bullwhip after you if you get between me and my cash.  If you fuck around with me, you’ll pay like you won’t believe.  Just ask that tool, Digger Phelps.  He got my wingtips wedged up his ass for questioning me about the decline of the housing market and the auto bailout. 

Now, get out there, spend some money, and get your heads out of your asses. 

Where’s my sweater?  Fuck, Purdue.

 

Ummm that was Bobby Knight.  I am sure his post will get me banned from Xanga so maybe I should have him apologize for his language.

Me: Coach Knight, maybe you should apologize for your words.  They were a little harsh.

Coach: I don’t know what I have to apologize for in the country of freedom of speech.

Me: But, Coach, your words are a little harsh and yes we have freedom of speech but we should respect other people’s ears.

Coach: Well if you can’t stand just do what I said to Connie Chung, if rape is inevitable just sit back, relax, and enjoy it.

Me: Wow!  That is horrible.

Coach:  No it isn’t.  I am making you mentally tough because mental toughness is to physical as four is to one.

Me: Coach, I don’t understand

Coach: Of course you wouldn’t.  Everybody hears but few listen.

Me:  Any parting words, Coach?

Coach:  When my time on earth is gone and my activities here are passed, I want them to bury me upside down so my critics can kiss my ass!

Me: Thank you.

Coach: Fuck off and get me my sweater.

I'm naked

Jessica...the mere mention of her name makes my heart skip a beat.

She was the only girl who had complete ownership of my heart

I met her one summer one summer while I was working at my dead-end job at a gift shop in a tourist trap.  I was having a horrible day, probably because it was nearing triple digits and my boss had this thing about always having store doors open because otherwise people would think we were closed and take money elsewhere.  He was correct; people are idiots like that. 

I was unloading a shipment of t-shirts.  I was so engrossed in my work that I didn’t hear her walk into the store.  Checking off the items must have made me deaf because I didn’t hear her footsteps. 

“Ahem”…she cleared her throat to get my attention.

I didn’t even look up as I replied, “Yes?”

“Are you open?”

I chuckled because I realized that just because the store doors were closed she thought we weren’t opened and so I said, “Yes.”

She didn’t understand why I chuckled and she asked, “What’s so funny?”

I started talking as I looked up to meet her eyes.  All I got out of my mouth was, “Well you see…”  And then I locked eyes with her eyes and I was lost.  I drowned in those sparkling pools of mystery.  She giggled.  I stammered and tried to get to my feet but one of my legs had “fallen asleep” and I hobbled.  She giggled harder.  I should have been on my knees worshiping this goddess.  That first image of Jessica still burns in my memory but not as much as the last.

“Sorry, it’s been a long day and I have been asked that question about a hundred times.”

“Well you could have a sign that says you are open.”  After that sentence she flashed me a smile and it made me melt.  My brain turned to goop.

“Yeah I suppose I should.” 

“How much longer is your shift?”

“Let’s see, I’ve been hear since 9 this morning, it’s 7PM and I start college on August 20^th so I’m finished August 20^th.”  God, I am such a fool but she laughed.

“That’s too bad, I was hoping a local could show me and my friends around tonight.”

“Well I can sleep when I am dead.”

“That’s creepy.”

“Ah, yeah but you have to forgive me because I haven’t had any sleep since the week before finals.”

“OK, I forgive you.”  She then flashes me that smile and then asked, “When do you close?”

“Midnight.”

“I’ll be back by 11:30.”

I didn’t quite understand what was so special about our first conversation.  I wasn’t on my game.  Yet, she showed up as I was getting ready to close.  In fact according to my watch it was 11:25.  I closed in record time.  She then said, “I think we have a problem.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m only 20.”

“Well I’ll just say you’re my wife and that way you can be in the bar.”

We went in and that was our plan.  It worked and truth be told that even after only knowing this girl a few hours it did feel like she was my spouse.  There was this indescribable instant connection.  It wasn’t what you would call love at first sight but I just felt this instant bond. 

After a few drinks Jessie said, “I think I better get back to the motel otherwise my friends may worry.”

I drove her to the Polynesian hotel and I thought that was nice because it was on my way home.  I pulled into a parking space and didn’t quite know how to say goodbye.  I mean we had this connection and I wouldn’t ever see her again.

“So do you want to come in?”

“Well…ugh…I…um…”

“I thought you said that you were an English minor.  I figured that meant you could answer a simple question.”

“Yes?”

We walked to her suite.  Her friends were inside and had been drinking. 

“Jess, where were you?  We’ve been worried.”

“My husband here took me out for a couple of drinks.”

“Like in a bar?”

“Yeah…in a bar.”

We sat around that night talking and exchanging the first time pleasantries.  It was amazing how we just clicked.  Her friends started getting sleepy so Jessie suggested we go to the lobby to continue talking.

I think that was the greatest conversation I have had in my life.  Time stopped.  We got to know each other.  And then I noticed the sunrise.  I had work in a couple of hours and she had to get ready to leave return home.  We exchanged phone numbers and like a fool I held out my hand as if to shake.  She laughed and reached up and hugged me.  I wrapped around and hugged back.  The hug then turned into a deep passionate kiss.  Her lips sent electric shocks throughout every inch of my body.

I felt someone else there and sure enough there was some one getting the continental breakfast ready.  We broke the kiss and both looked at each other and said, “Wow!”

I walked backwards waving goodbye thinking I would never see her again but I was wrong.  A few hours into my shift, I see the goddess return.  She went on and on about this strange connection that she felt she had with me and how she didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye again.  We embraced and our lips locked.  Looking down into her eyes as we kissed told me this girl was special. 

She came back a couple days later and stayed with me for the rest of that summer.  I finally felt complete after having some really bad relationships.  Jessie was the one…The One. 

Things got rocky when I had to move back to college and Jessie returned to her college.  We both looked at ways to be closer to each other.  My school offered only two majors and neither of those was Jessie’s emphasis.  Her school had some of the program in which I was majoring but I wouldn’t be able to finish at the same school.  She decided the best bet was to transfer to a school about a half hour from where I went and that way we would be closer and wouldn’t be separated by 6 hours.

The weekends were fun.  We traded off.  I went to see her one weekend and then the next she would come see me.  Everything was going great.  Around the first of November I get a phone call from Jessie.  She was crying.  I asked what was wrong and she said that she wouldn’t be able to see me at Thanksgiving because she was expected to go see family in California.  I said that as long as we held each other in our hearts then we would be together.  I still here her response: “Oh…Matt, I love you with all my heart.  You know, I still tell people you are my husband.”  I took that to heart and the next day bought an engagement ring, which I had planned to give Jessie at Christmas.

I didn’t give her the ring at Christmas.  The weekend before Thanksgiving, Jessie came to see me and also to look for apartments and jobs for her move.  That was one of the best weekends ever.  I was so drunk on her love and affection that she gave me, a love I have yet to experience all these years later. 

I prepared a speech to ask for her hand in marriage but I couldn’t get the words right.  I also wanted it to be in a romantic place but I settled for something intimate like my bedroom and my couch. 

We were watching some movie.  I was bored with it but it had captured Jessie’s attention.  We were all curled up together on my couch and I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. 

“What was that for?”

“Oh I felt like I needed to show gratitude to the greatest girl in the world.  You have to be the greatest to put up with me and it’s more than put up.  You actually give a damn about me.  I love you.”

“Aww…I love you too.”

“Jess, we’ve been together for a while now and I suppose this makes me a bad boyfriend that I don’t know the exact amount of time but I was wondering about how you might want me to ask you to marry you.  Like, where would you want me to pop the question?”

“I don’t know.  What are you talking about?”

“Would you want me to ask you in a public place like a restaurant or something intimate like her in my bedroom?”

"I guess I’d rather have the intimate because I wouldn’t want all those people staring.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  So what would you want me to say?”

“I guess how much you love me and how I would complete you and you want to be with me forever.”

“So…Jessica, you are the most amazing woman I have ever known and the love you have shown me has made me into a new man.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  You were put on this earth for me.  Nothing can separate us because we are meant to be.  You and me, forever, Jessie…and then ask you for marriage?”

“Aw…you are going to make me cry.”

“Well it is how I feel.  So after I say that, then what would you want me to do?”

“I suppose show me the ring.”

I reached behind my couch and grabbed the ring box.  “How about a ring like this?”

“OH MY GOD!  ARE YOU FOR REAL?”

“Jessica, will you marry me?”

“YES!”

We embraced and were engaged.  It was too good to be true.  I never wanted that moment to end.  I was in her loving arms.  I felt loved.

Jessie had to leave the next day so she could get home.  I packed her car and fueled it for her.  I got back and she was sitting on my couch admiring her ring. 

“Matt, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“I think the old saying is ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’”

“Yes, but after Thanksgiving we’re both going to be busy with school and we won’t see each other until Christmas.”

“I know but our love is so strong that we can manage.”

We kissed and Jessie said it was time for her to leave.  I walked her to her car and she started the engine and rolled down the window so we could have one last kiss.  I walked back to my apartment and turned around as I watched her pull away.  She turned on to a main street slowly as she waved good-bye.  Sadly that was our last good bye.

As she waved and mouthed the words “I love you” a car came out of nowhere and slammed into her car.  Her car flew into a light pole and was wrapped around it.  I ran over to the twisted mess of metal and broken glass.  There was Jessica.  She was crushed.  I was frantically trying to rip the door off its hinges so that I could get her out.  I dug so hard that I lost fingernails on each hand.

Jessie looked up at me and coughed.  Blood trickled down her cheek and out of her mouth.

“Matt?”

“I’m here, baby, don’t worry.  I am going to get you out.”  I heard sirens.

“Matt?”

“I’m right here, Jessie, I’m trying to get you out.”

“I love you.”

“GODDAMN!  Jessie, I love you.”

“Matt, I love-“

I reached in and managed to kiss her.  I heard the sirens.  One last pull on the door broke it off.  I pulled her free and kissed her and began weeping.  Jessie was dead.  

The next few months were a blur.  Jessie’s parents blamed me for her death because they said I had her chasing foolish dreams.  I drew into a world of depression.

I haven’t loved another like I loved Jessica.  She was my one and only.  I have come close but they never made me feel the way Jessie did.

Sometimes I wish I was in that car.  Not that I want to die but that I seem to have cheated death on so many occasions.  Like the time I went running after a deer and I slipped and my shotgun flew in the air and as it landed I heard a click but was joyed to learn it misfired when I saw the barrel pointed at my head.  Oh and the time I drove my car off a thirty foot cliff.  Then I can't forget the time I decided to ride my big wheel down 4 flights of stairs.  Of course there was the time my dad left me in the car seat of the hood of his car and I slid off and landed head first on the curb.  Anyway, I miss that girl greatly and I still wish it was me that died because my life has been empty since.

Do you mind if I repost some of my favorite posts in honor of Xanga closing? I was going to do it anyway so yeah.

Did I ever tell you the story of the time I got an orange seed stuck in my ear?

MRIs suck. Tornadoes suck. Walmart roofs suck. My body sucks. Game of Thrones is decent from what I read thus far.

I am so sick of the CIA and NSA and whoever else in the government reading all my posts and not reccing or giving me eprops.  I thought I lost my wallet but the NSA called me and told me that I left it in my other pants.

WARNING!  THIS POST CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE!  Football.  Wrestling. Biceps.  Flexing.  Muscles. Push-ups.  Weightlifting.  Flexing. Ripped.  Sit-ups.  BUT SERIOUSLY IT'S NSFW.

I now know I’m officially old.  I was plucking nose hair this morning and the hair I plucked was gray and white.

I don’t know why there isn’t a medical theme park.  It could be named Thoracic Park.

What would happen if a band started there song with the normal countdown “1…2…3…4” but instead of singing and playing they were too shy to begin so the drummer just kept counting to 300.

How rich would I be if I got paid to masturbate?

The amount of time I spend looking for the perfect porn and the amount of time I actually spend masturbating is a good example of my incredible inefficiency.

Have you ever noticed that windshield wipers basically have two settings?  One is “one swipe ever 50years” and the other is “metronome for a Skrillex album”.

Opinions are like orgasms. Mine are more important and I don’t care if you have one.

Polar bears are pretty terrifying and even worse they can swim.  Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.  While you’re at it, why don’t you give sharks some legs and chainsaws for fins.

I think at one point we have all thought about hijacking the Schwann’s truck…well at least those of us in the Midwest.

I have this idea where I want to roleplay with a girl when we have sex.  I’m going to pretend her name is Jessica.  I won’t request any kinky stuff or anything like that.  I just want her name to be Jessica.

If there are shoes called Toms, are there socks named Jerrys?

I don’t get stoned because marijuana is never strong enough to make me that way.  I just get slightly pebbled.

Have you ever eaten a pizza and had it burn the roof of your mouth or had the crust scrape the sides of your throat and then you wondered why everything beautiful in this world has to have a dark side?

I’m white but not “we should eat at Olive Garden” white.

One of the reasons why I hate Olive Garden is that they just seemingly lump together Italian words to make it sound like something you should eat.  “Try the new Cassonetto Stupro.  You’ll love it.”  Cassonetto Sturpo means “dumpster rape”.

I wish Dwayne Johnson came to my house for my birthday and when I opened the door he shouted, “Party Rock is in the house tonight”.  If he doesn’t do that he doesn’t know the untold fortunes he could be making.

I feel bad for any adult that is one a Disney Channel show.  It’s like they went through their entire career without getting any roles and had to settle for playing the bald dad or airhead mom.

I may not be your cup of tea but I’m definitely your sixth shot of tequila.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Disney movie about a pig that plays basketball and is called “Ball Hog”.

I’ve been using Google Earth to search which yards have milkshakes in them.

I’m not sure if I want a relationship right now.  I know I talk about wanting someone but I think what I want most is someone who’ll let me touch their boobs without it getting weird.

I love how when I watch Maury Povich that the majority of commercials are for loans and stay at home colleges.  It’s like they know the people watching are smart and want to get a degree in psychology and a payday advance to feed their crack habit.  Also, did you know Father’s Day is Maury’s favorite day of the year? I hear he’s doing a special this year where he’s going to test George Washington’s DNA to see if he really is the father of this country.

I once made the mistake of telling a Cirque de Soleil acrobat to go fuck himself.  There are just some things in life that can’t be unseen.

I’m sort of excited to go to the movie theater to see the new Superman movie.  I just can’t figure out which of my 5 Superman capes I should wear.

Do vegans get mad at animals for eating other animals and then preach to them about how much better they are because they’re vegan?

They should do sexual myths on Mythbusters like the correlation between shoe size and penis size and lip color and nipple color.

I’ve talked to people and a lot of times they say, “BRB shower time”.  I figure that means one of two things.  The first is “I’m not actually taking a shower but I just don’t want to talk to your boring ass”.  The other is an open invitation to imagine that person caressing their soapy and naked body in hopes that you get turned on by that thought.

I don’t think I’m going to teach my kids the alphabet because the alphabet is a work of Satan. The more letters you know then the more words you know and if you know a lot of words then you can create dirty, evil sentences.  My children will be God fearing mutes.

I only use Irish Spring soap because it makes my genitals smell like a field of happy leprechauns searching for a pot of gold.  Now if I could find my pot of gold.

Pulling out before you’re finished also doesn’t work if you’re making cupcakes.

Have you ever been watching porn and you’re getting into it and all of a sudden you hear, “Hey you, yeah, you!” and you get terrified,close out the internet, shut down the monitor, and pull up your pants in a matter of seconds only to realize it was one of those banner ads?

A recent medical study found that it is more difficult for women to stop smoking than men.  They have now put smoking in the same category as nagging and shopping.

Have you ever found yourself asking what type of wine goes best with Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos?

I am always shocked to open Twitter and read the tweets madeb y journalists…so many spelling errors. But then they are sports reporters and I don’t think their audience cares if they can spell correctly.

My cellphone always changes “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, cellphone, well plaid.

It’s so hot even my taint is sweating profusely.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Daniel Day Lewis is such a good actor that I assume every person I meet is Daniel Day Lewis.  I celebrated Father’s Day by watching him in “There Will be Blood” because there is no better father figure in Hollywood history than his character in that movie.

I like to wear a lot of black clothing so I can show off the cat hair.

I always get confused when I see the letters “TMI”.  I know it’s supposed to stand for “Too Much Information” but I also think it stands for “Tell More Information” which is why I mentioned about how my taint is sweating profusely and to tell more information I hate hot weather because I sit on my sac way too often.

Do you think Smokey the Bear will be cremated when he dies?

Do you think they’ll ever reboot the Schindler’s List series with Will Smith in the lead?  And instead of spending all his time in a factory or nightclub with Nazis he'd spend his days on a playground shooting basketball to free Jews.

The preferred method of killing spiders in my house is to find the spider and then run to my room screaming like an idiot and then locking myself in my room for three days.

I want to clear the air here.  My last relationship didn’t end because I cheated.  It ended because I didn’t go to Jared.

You should really get off your high horse because riding a horse that’s been smoking marijuana could be dangerous.

I went to the lumber yard to buy some bamboo to make some fishing poles but when I got home I found out they gave me oak instead.  I’ve been bamboozled.

When I was in peewee football the coach told us that to eat healthy we shouldn’t eat anything that has ingredients we can’t read.  The joke was on him because when I was in grade school I was reading a college level.

In Wisconsin there’s a good way to tell if your girlfriend is the one.  You watch how she milks a cow.

I like to think my cellphone holder is the same kind Fonzie would’ve used.

Have you ever wondered if they named Magnum condoms after Magnum P.I.?  And if that is the case,it’s pretty cruel that they have Magnum condoms for guys with extra large penises but have no Higgins condoms for guys with the opposite problem.

I went to the bar Sunday night and saw two guys wearing shirts that said “#1 Dad”.  I said that it was impossible to have two #1 dads so I made them fight for the title.  It was not a disappointing fight and I made a bunch of money off the betting.

I was sitting on a bench in a Walmart a few days ago.  There was a cart filled with Superman merchandise next to the bench.  I think it hadn’t been put out on the Superman display near the bench.  The weird part was that when people walked by they gave me incredulous looks as if the cart were mine.

Today was my first day at my new job.  I’m sort of insulted to be a “day dancer” but Chippendale’s has excellent health care including a top notch dental plan.

I’m a racist.  I hate pretty much all races.  100m, 1000m,marathons, hurdles, cross country…the list could go on.

Whenever I wear my Nazi army helmet and have my Japanese WWII sword attached to my belt people treat me nicely.

You know the Tony Awards are pretty lame when I won one.  Yeah, that’s why I haven’t been around.  I was off in New York getting my Tony.  I won for Best Fat Guy in a Musical.

I’ve been hearing about all the people clamoring about the first views of the Xbox One and the PS4. That is nice and all but I’m still trying to figure out the original Super Mario Brothers and how Mario could throw fireballs underwater.

If there are waffle cones, why aren’t there pancake cones,crepe cones, or French toast cones?

I really need to stop being so apologetic.  I realized I had a problem this weekend when I made eye contact during cunnilingus and apologized but then she did yell at me so I guess I don’t have a problem. Sorry for making you think I needed help.

I love summer vacation because that means no pants until late August.

My cats wrote a screenplay for Fast and Furious 7 in their litterbox this weekend.

You know those family stickers that people put in the back windows of their car?  Well I have one but it’s just a single guy.  I put it there so the ladies know I’m a family man looking to make a family.

How to get people to follow you on Xanga: blog about quirky things that only you could like such as dinosaurs (and don’t forget the RAWR)and starbucks, blatantly display your sexuality, make sure you constantly mass message people to tell them you updated and to recommend your new post, and blog about Xanga drama even if it doesn’t involve you.

It’s becoming apparent that I started this Xanga account with no clear exit strategy.

I think it’s time someone developed a sarcasm font for Xanga.  It would certainly lead to less drama.

I think the people who buy into Xanga drama and thrive off it are the same people who think professional wrestling is real.

Sometimes life sucks but then I remember how many mentally ill people there are on Xanga and I start feeling better about my life.

Everyone is making this new Xanga out to be so great in that it will do everything for you.  Will it give me a blowjob?  Will it not complain when I decide to stave off ejaculation because it’s so pleasurable?  Will it leave after 90 minutes?

Wish me luck, I’m competing in the U.S. Olympics Comedy Team competition this weekend.

Recommend this post if you enjoy breathing.

Last week a few people made comments in my post about raising money by creating a Xanga sex tape...it's been done.

I had a Xanga meet-up today. No one showed up. I wish I had someone to cheer me on as I had an incredible round of mini-golf.

HI, I'm somewhat alive.