July 24, 2013

• Motivation

  I can’t believe the other night I spent time debating which hat I should wear based on how it matched my Dukes of Hazzard t-shirt.  The Mankato Moon Dogs hat won out.

  I should probably stop watching Sons of Anarchy.  I almost bought a motorcycle.  I thought it was a perfect match for my assault rifle and shotgun.

  Heart is the name of both a band and an organ I can’t live without.

  I would never date a jazz musician because I have such a difficult time staying awake during sax.

  Why do people find tans attractive?  Damaged skin cells must be so attractive says the guy who can no longer tan.

  I hate how people use the phrase “life is short” because it isn’t really and just because there is a slim chance of getting hit by a bus or a car when you cross the street it doesn’t give the right to act irresponsible and jeopardize your future.  Now, it’s off to go play mini-golf in an open field during a thunderstorm.  #YOLO

  Do you ever get the feeling that you could be a meth cook on the set of Breaking Bad and no one would know the difference?

  I’m not saying my girl is a gold digger but I have caught her on numerous occasions with her finger up her nose.

  Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a wuss.

  You’d think a guy standing in line at the gas station would be flattered to be mistaken for Cee-lo Green. Well, you’d be wrong.

  Imagine all the hell you could raise if you went to Walmart dressed in a blue polo and khaki pants.

  It never fails. Whenever I go to church to make fake IDs for my neighbor someone always wants to use the laminating machine.

  I always think it’s weird to see dogs sniffing each other’s butts on purpose until I remember that people pay money to smell like Axe Body Spray.

  Did you know that in the Canadian version of Super Mario Brothers it takes 135 coins to get an extra life?  HAHAHAHA…a money exchange rate joke!  I’ve really sunk to new lows.

  I don’t know what God was thinking when he designed the penis.  Couldn’t the scrotum be a little nicer type of sac sort of like a Crown Royal bag?  Also flaccid penises should be rolled up andwhen they become erect they should unroll and go “HONK” like a party favor.

  I took an IQ test. Should I be worried that it came back negative?

  I heard that The White Stripes and The Black Keys are collaborating on a new album.  The name of their band will be A Piano.

  Boobs are to men as laser pointers are to cats.

  They say misery loves company but for me I’m miserable when I have company.

  What would I do for a Klondike bar?  I’d wait for someone to walk to the kitchen and then ask them to bring me one.

  Pick-up line guaranteed not to work: “Baby, is your vagina a TARDIS, because it’s bigger on the inside?”

  I went to Denny’s and saw this waiter who is a huge gamer.  He has Legend of Zelda tattoos all over his arm.  He asks me what I’ll have and I say “an order of sausage Zeldas”. He screams, “THEY’RE LINKS!  HIS NAME WAS LINK!  SAUSAGE LINKS!  ZELDA WAS THE PRINCESS!”

  When I smell good, I feel like I have my life together.  I rarely have it together during summer because of testicle sweat.

  I love how everyone on the internet turned into a lawyer and acted like they passed the bar in every state after the George Zimmerman verdict.

  It’s strange how in society if you are confident then people will call you self-obsessed but if you are insecure then you are labeled weak.  This is why I’m a giraffe.

  I think the greatest reason I want to be a stripper is because taking off my clothes does not involve math.

  I want to rewrite some Greek myths and when Zeus tries to get with women they’ll ask him to use a condom but he’ll say, “Babe, I’m too big for a condom.”

  If you ever get a boner at an inopportune time, just read some Spongebob fanfiction and that will kill it.  The only downside is that you may suffer from impotence.

  Beauty may fade but botox is forever.

  I may not be the strongest man in the world but I have a feeling I could defend myself if a dozen toddlers attacked me at once.

  Things being removed from Netflix is the reason you can hear me sobbing right now.

  You shouldn’t buy instant rice if you are looking for authentic rice experience.

  If Uma Thurman wanted me to stick my dick in her nose, I would.

  You know it’s summertime in this part of Wisconsin when you can smell the Amish before you see them.

  I went to a bar and grill named Hooter Bowl this weekend.  It was in a town named Hustler.  I’m sure Larry Flynt is proud of me.  Now if he’d pay me for posting porn on Tumblr.

  Why am I shocked by the amount of Green Bay Packer tattoos out there?

  Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have determined that real eyes realize real lies.

  I’m so glad we are celebrating the royal birth here in America because the British royal family is so important here and Kate Middleton did what other women and mammals have been doing since the dawn of time.  It’s like the American Revolution never happened.

  I was going to take a group of orphans on a trip to a water park but then I heard P. Kitty went into labor so I’m glued to my TV.

  In America we call a royal baby a Double Quarter Pounder.

  The royal baby was born on Danny Glover’s birthday.  No way this could be a coincidence.  I see years from now when the baby is finally king, he’ll be sitting on the throne and will say after another proclamation ordering beheadings, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

  All regular babies now suck and can go to hell because we have the ROYAL BABY!

  American is sending Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves, and Brendan Fraser bearing frankincense, gold, and myrrh to the royal baby.

  I hope the royal baby enjoys the “Your Tax Dollars at Work”onesie I got him.

  And now your last weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  I wonder if the single Jonas brothers still wear their purity rings or if they are declared null and void after 5 years.

  I think my town’s pool motto should be: Where Moles and Bugs Go to Die.

  I like discussing politics with my cats because they don’t object and just sit there listening patiently and wagging their tails.

  Apparently it’s illegal to taxidermy humans so there goes pranks off my prank list and items off my bucket list.

  It’s amazing how many followers I have on the internet.  If I were to simply post the words “butt sex”it would have at least 5 times the reach of the fire sirens in my town.

  The best part of summer is speeding through school zones.

  Ladies, is “I’d do you” a compliment?

  I find it funny that a group of nonconformists all get together and agree about the same topics and like the same things.

  If you remove the laugh track on the Big Bang Theory, the show is just four people being mean to a person with Aspberger’s.

  I’m fairly certain that the song “Every Rose has its Thorn”is about how garlic tastes awesome but leaves you with rancid breath and skin for like 12 hours.

  I think my dad may have been having a sugar low as he told me about watching Sons of Anarchy and how he liked that they killed Jimmy Fallon.

  Say what you will about Aaron Hernandez, I still think O.J.Simpson is the greatest murderer to ever play in the NFL.

  28% of public school math teachers agree that the other 83% suck at math.

  The best place to find local hot singles is to fart on your wallet.

  I have a confession to make. I once used Purell as a lube for masturbating.  Whew…it feels good to come clean.

  At one point in my life I was able to communicate with the dead but then I got fat so now I’m just a large.

  If you have sex with a girl and you are both so drunk that you can’t remember having sex, did you really disappoint her?

  The have electronic cigarettes that people say are good but trust me that electronic chewing tobacco is awful.

  Playing violent video games makes me violent just like watching porn gets me laid.

  It’s little surprise that Peter Dinklage got an Emmy nomination for his work on Game of Thrones. He has real star power mostly because he’s a white dwarf.

  Lately whenever I get an erection I feel like Stephen Hawking winning a skateboard.

  I hate how kids watch the same movies over and over and over and over again.  Oh sweet…Fight Club is on.

  I wish I had the Price is Right audience around whenever I had to make big life decisions.

  I wonder if Mrs. Pibb is constantly reminded by her mother that she could’ve married the Pepper boy who went to med school.

  My life coach told me I got cut from the team.

  My exgirlfriend has a new boyfriend and I’m glad.  I want her to be happy as long as I’m happier.  And she knows that I’m happier.  And it makes her cry.

  Calm down!  No one is going to get famous on Xanga or Xanga 2.0.

  I hope my future wife is following me on Xanga because I’d hate to describe everything once again. Also are there any women who want the first dance at your wedding to be to “Hoes in Different Area Codes”?

  New Xanga motto: Those who can, do and those who can’t come to Xanga and bitch about those that do.

  The people who kiss ass on Xanga have made this site into the internet’s version of Human Centipede.

  I tried using Xanga on my phone and it was sort of like trying to eat spaghetti with a spoon.

  Just because someone on Xanga doesn’t respect you doesn’t give you the right to disrespect them and if you think they are such horrible people and then you post hate about them then you’ve stooped to their level.  God, sometimes I feel like I’m the Ward Cleever of Xanga.

  When did Xanga collectively decide to stop using punctuation like when did this happen why is this a thing did it happen while I was gone oh well I guess I will get used to it now that you mention it I like it because it makes this sentence look smooth just like a river with whitewater rapids

  Xanga is like the Olympics. Even if you are the best in the world, you’ve wasted your life perfecting a worthless skill.

  Actually I am Ashton Kutcher and you all have been punk’d!

  Well, it looks like one of these days I’ll be posting a nude photo since I don’t think Xanga is going to meet their goal.  Pledge money now or you’ll have to see my penis.

  • 6:09 PM
  • 16 Comments