It's July 16th and Xanga's still here and I have Twinkies. Life is good.

I think what I'll miss most about Xanga is how many people are referred to my site from Google by searching for "vagina tattoo"

Well since Xanga pushed the closing date back I guess that means I have to find a new post for the 15th. You won't see my junk.

I used to be funny.  I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

One of the biggest plot twists in all of cinema would be if they got an actual teenager to play a teenager.

I’m suffering from boredom. Thanks a lot, Obama.

I think at this point the Brewers ought to look at drafting a teeball stand because I'm sure the teeball stand could pitch better than their bullpen.

I don’t want a blowjob as much as I want a blowcareer.

I don’t think society is as fucked up as we think it is.  I think we’re just a bunch of pussies that can’t handle traumatic shit.

Whenever I see a girl with gauges in her ears I wonder if she has sex with a guy who sticks his penis in that hole.

I’ve been eating so much Greek yogurt lately that I’ve begun to end all my sentences with “opa,” getting my gold medallion tangled in my chest hair, and putting Windex on everything.

You don’t know hilarious until you see your mother lecture a cat about puking on the floor.

I once had the privilege of sitting in on a writing session for “The Big Bang Theory”.  One writer spoke up and said, “Hey, guys, what if instead of saying ‘sex’ we’d have the characters say ‘coitus’?”  The rest of the staff screamed, “BRILLIANT!”

Do you think homophobes have rethought their enjoyment of Mr. Mom and Mrs. Doubtfire?

Drugs are pretty cool because they’re about the only thing teaching Americans about the metric system these days.

Every four years I’m reminded of The Olympics.  Not the sporting event but the band and their song “Western Movies” because that song was playing the first time I saw women playing volleyball in their skimpy and tight and low cut and tight and formfitting and hot uniforms.

I know when people are having computer issues based on the absence of Facebook game requests.

I sort of enjoy using the handicapped stall in public bathrooms because it’s sort of a rush because a handicapped person may come in and need it and I have it occupied.  It’s like playing with fire.

I don’t like hanging out with my friends all that much anymore because I feel like a third wheel but I shouldn’t feel bad because if a tricycle didn’t have a third wheel it would be useless.  Right?

My mom used to love this game called “talk at a normal level from the other side of the house and get pissed off because I didn’t hear her”.  Now she’s just deaf and yells all the time.

I don’t know which is worse when watching a movie at a theater, being the only person in the theater to not understand a joke and stare deadpan at the screen or being the only person to get an obscure reference causing you to laugh your ass off.

Rainy nights are great because they make me want to stay up until 4AM watching movies and eating fried foods.  It’s just weird that I do this even when it isn’t raining.

I once tried social interaction but referencing Silence of the Lambs five times in a conversation backfired.  I guess talking about eating someone’s liver with fava beans and a nice chianti comes off as weird.

Did you know that your iPads, iPhones, and iPods can be used as scales?  You simply stand on it and if it breaks then you’re too fat.  It also means you’re pretty stupid.

I wonder why more psychiatrists don’t set up shop in IKEA.

Breakfast commercials always talk about their product being part of a complete breakfast.  I think the reason my life is so messed up is because I’ve been eating incomplete meals all these years. Now to buy every breakfast item advertised on TV.

My uncle Joe worked at a Wonder Bread factory until he go this genitals stuck in one of the mixing machines at the factory.  Now he’s the bread wiener of the family.

Have you ever felt as useless as a poke on Facebook?

If I ever take a girl out on a date, I usually leave my gas cap open and dangling because that way people will wave and honk at me and my date will think I’m famous.

I am so sickened by the term “cumming”.  I prefer to use the expression “going number3”.

Have you ever wondered how many trees in this world have died so that humans could wipe their asses?

I like writing negative things about the illiterate because I know they won’t find out and by the time they can read I’ll be dead.

Have you ever noticed that there’s a lot of good remakes of songs but very few good remakes of movies?

I really love Mondays but only in the summer because I don’t have to go to school.

I’m thinking of going to the big and tall clothing store(only because I’m tall*please believe me*) so I can get some nice new clothes so I can look handsome while I sit at home and watch Netflix.

Why do people think that dogs are affectionate and are kissing you when they lick you?  That’s stupid.  Hate to break it to you but they just enjoy the taste of the salt that you emit from your skin.  That’s sort of like a metaphor for my love life.  Basically dogs are just like children who have razor sharp teeth and poop all over the floor.

Pasta is the solution for everything.  What do you want for supper?  Pasta. What do you need to buy at the grocery store?  Pasta. How do we solve the immigration crisis? Pasta.

I don’t smoke so if I ever talk about weed it’s for brownies and I only eat brownies when I try to think up things for these posts.

I write about sex a lot for someone who never has it.

Melissa McCarthy reminds me so much of myself.  I think we even have the same cup size.

How do you describe the taste of Dr. Pepper?  I think the best I can come up with is“Satan’s sweat”.

I knew this one guy who pretended to be this hardcore druggie and he said he smoked weed all the time.  I then rolled a joint filled with lawn clippings and gave it to him and told him it was the best grass I’d ever had.  He smoked it and pretended to be high.  Then when I told him it was really grass he laid down on the ground and cried and screamed.

I hate when people refer to marijuana as “bud” because being an old man I have a hard time differentiating between marijuana and water…I mean Budweiser.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

What if thousands of years from now they discover Superman comic books and think they are religious texts?

Why are most models tall and skinny when most of the people they are marketing clothing to aren’t that body style at all?  Sometimes the clothing the models wear don’t even flatter that body style.  Why is the fashion industry so daft?  I bet it’s all the meth and coke.

A pastor never heard the Thong Song before.  That made for an interesting Bible study class.

Every time the rapper Drake wants to record a new song they throw him against a wall to see if he’ll stick so they can tell if he’s soft enough.

Who wants to fund my new reality show called “Sex Truck”?  It’s me driving around a big truck and I crush stuff.  I threw in“sex” because that will guarantee people watch it.

One day I hope that when I wake up horny I won’t have to take care of it myself and I’ll just push my morning wood into my wife’s back but more than likely if I’m married I’ll have to take care of it myself.

It’s sort of sad that Goyte isn’t around anymore.  He’s just someone that we used to know.

If you call baseball “boring” or “stupid” then I will make it my personal mission to sever your trachea.

There was nothing quite as exhilarating as celebrating the Fourth of July by firing fireworks made in China.  That and my Roman candle menorah.  Another good way to celebrate the Fourth if you’re poor is by taking q-tips and putting rubbing alcohol on them and lighting them.  Tell the kids that they’re mini-sparklers.

I hope Eric Snowden and Carmen San Diego have a happy life together.

While some people see an ant infestation as a problem, I see it as a solution to my lack of companions problem.

One man’s garbage is another man’s Oscar the Grouch costume.

I was diagnosed with “walking pneumonia”.  It’s much better than “race walking diarrhea”.  Trust me.

If they pass out sainthood for miracles then I should get sainthood because I turned down a free donut at Kwik Trip this morning.

I haven’t been watching much news lately because it seems like all they cover lately is the George Zimmerman trial.  I vaguely heard that Morrisey did a show in Egypt and he got booed off the stage.  Why isn’t CNN reporting that?  I thought everyone loved The Smiths.

I wear a shirt when I go swimming not because I’m embarrassed of my body but because I’m embarrassed that people will see my body.

I think the best way to tell if a kid will grow up to be a douchebag is if the kid wears Heelies everywhere he goes.

The worst part about being raised by wolves is telling my parents that I’m a cat person.

I bet all the people who left Xanga when they announced it may close are feeling pretty stupid about right now.

I feel like boycotting Xanga because I can’t post this in72pt font like I can on MS Word.  That’s denying me my freedom of speech.

I think being on Xanga is great because I’m ugly and I earned all my followers through my charming personality or witty banter and not because I’m hot.  I guess I should feel lucky because I don’t have to worry about wondering if people follow me becausethey like my material or because I’m hot.

I honestly like some of you Xangans so much that you could send me death threats written with pig’s blood and I wouldn’t unfriend or block you.  I really appreciate you appearing in my footprints even if you don’t comment and I love seeing you appear in my inbox.  Sorry I’m getting all sentimental and shit but you people have been so good for me.

I am such a badass that I have Ezekiel 25:17 memorized and say it every time I block someone on Xanga. It’s just too bad Tarantino changed the verse to make it more dramatic for Pulp Fiction.

New Xanga motto: Xanga, the place where tolerance is required unless you have a differing opinion then fuck you and delete your blog.

New Xanga motto: Xanga: Where Fun Goes to Die.

I’m actually sort of embarrassed for all of you adults over how you get so bent out of shape when people have a different opinion than you and you hate them because of it.  So many of you have turned me off of politics.

Xanga didn’t ruin my life. I was already a loser before I joined this site.

I just read a post on Xanga that was so confusing that I had no idea what the person who wrote it was trying to say.  I also thought they must be on heavy narcotics.  The fact that it was something I wrote is completely irrelevant.

I wonder how long it will be before I can buy the Xanga.com domain name.  I plan on buying it and turning it into a hardcore pornography site. Then each of the –ish sites will be a different fetish site.  Xanga Hong Kong will be Asian porn, Hoodstars will be African American porn, Momaroo will be MILF porn, IReallyLikeFood will be sploshing, Healthkicker will be BBW porn, Datingish will be cuckold porn, Lovelyish will be female domination porn, and Revelife will be bondage.

If you rec this post you will win as many Grammys as Nicki Minaj has.

I could really go for a good number 3

So how does one get the WordPress archive thing to work? I can't download it.

Maybe it was Las Cruces.

I've been trying to save Xanga to no avail. I didn't win at the casino, no one would pay me for sex, and SNL didn't hire me.