My joints don’t really work any more. I guess it’s time to find a new dealer or think about getting replacement surgery.

My schveltz is filled with schpoinkis

Jesus…cultural icon…dj…homeboy…movie star…athlete?  So I was recently and reluctantly surfing the worldwide web and I happened across a catholic goods site that sells inspirational statues for children.  They are athletic statues of our Lord and Savior.

Here we see Jesus teaching kids how to hit a hanging curveball.  I wonder if Jesus pitched for the Chicago White Sox and refused to hit an opposing batter with a pitch, would Ozie Guillen pull him out of the game.  Probably not, because Jesus would give Ozzie a sermon on the mound and teach Ozzie that the meek are blessed and not the blood-thirsty hate-filled managers of the American League.

Jesus is playing soccer.  Afterall, it is the most popular sport in the world.  Many Americans, mostly NASCAR fans, would probably be upset with Jesus for playing soccer but Jesus doesn’t headbutt people like Zidane.

Here Jesus is running a relay race.  I wish Jesus was my track coach way back when I was able to run.  He is the Son of God so how fast is he?  I’m sure he is exerting no effort keeping up with these kids and he is only wearing sandals, but the question still remains…how fast was Jesus?  Some things the Passion of the Christ just did not answer.  Maybe Mel Gibson can make a sequel to the passion and incorporate a sequel to White Men Can’t Jump and add a dash of Schindler’s List…he could call it…Jews Can Run but Not Malibu because Mel Gibson Runs Malibu.

I always thought hockey was about fighting and losing teeth.  Apparently not when Jesus is your coach.  It’s strange but no one seems happy in this statue.  Maybe Jesus is focused on his return to the NHL where he can square off against his archenemy Satan…Miroslav Satan that is formerly of the Boston Bruins.  Here he is…oh he looks evil!

Tennis, anyone?  Well, sure, anything for Jesus!  Did you know the only time I’ve been in love is when I play tennis.  I bet few will get that.

Jesus presents Swan Lake

Jesus is playing golf with a girl.  Jesus doesn’t discriminate even if “GOLF” stands for “Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden”.

Kung-fu Jesus, omnipotent Sensei.  I wonder if Jesus would teach me the Five-Point Palm exploding heart technique.

Jesus the downhill skier.  Wow!  I’ve heard it gets cold up in the mountains but Jesus warms everyone with his love.

Extreme sports Jesus!  Isn’t there something in the Bible about putting God to the test?

Jesus the gymnastics coach.  I can’t see Jesus being as mean and hateful as the United States gymnastics coach that calls his scrawny gymnasts fat to get them motivated to win the gold.  With Jesus you are always a medal winner. 

Give up the rock, Jesus!  Ha ha…I used to play that joke on my cousins when I was taller and they were shorter.  It was always fun to see them get frustrated at me for holding the ball in the air higher than they could reach.  Maybe this is just the tip-off.

Jesus playing football the way it was meant to be played…on the ground.  Jesus knows the running game is what football is all about and here Jesus is running the option to perfection.  How can you tackle our Lord and Savior?  You can’t because Jesus will either run through you, juke you, or pitch the ball. 

So don’t think I am going to hell because I thought this collection was different in a unique way and wanted to add some good-hearted Christian humor to the statues….oh who am I kidding?  I’m going to hell because I thought these statues were the strangest thing I’ve seen since this:

Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

The first rule of toddler fight club is there shouldn’t be a toddler fight club.

I’ve decided to start home brewing energy drinks.  All it takes is some high fructose corns yrup, rat poison, and a shard of meth.

Worst song to get a lap dance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

They always say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.”  I say opinions are like assholes so you better watch what you say when you’re in prison.

There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe. There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss.  Too bad I’m self-employed.

I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering if Satan’s name really isn’t Satan and that there was a typo and it’s actually Stan?

It’s always amazing to me that when I first started using the internet my parents always told me to be careful of strangers but strangers on the internet seem to care more for me than people I know in real life.

A man walks into a baa and the sheep apologizes even though he has no clue how the man had a physical interaction with his speech when it is not a somatic object.

I may do things that are unspeakable but there is never anything I can do that is unblogable.

I remember psychology class in high school and when we discussed Oedipus complexes a girl said she thought she had that.  She was later diagnosed as a hypochondriac.

Every time I see the word “vegan” I think it says “vagina”and I get all anxious only to find out it’s going to be someone berating me because I’m human and partaking of typical human behavior and I don’t value animals over human beings.

I’m not sure what the difference is between a hotel and a motel but I’m fairly certain it has to do with the price of the hookers standing out front.

Ladies, the best compliment a guy can give you is a boner.

There are a lot of things I don’t regret but one of those things isn’t getting “Mary had a Little Lamb” stuck in my head today.

I hate when people in Wisconsin say that winter is approaching therefore they need a boyfriend or girlfriend to keep warm.  Come on, get a fucking coat like the rest of us single people.

I was shocked when I heard most circuses beat their elephants.  Here I thought they beat all their animals.  Why do the tigers get offso easily?

I admit it.  I use emoticons but I do it just to make sure my writing isn’t misinterpreted as being sarcastic.  jk lolz XD

I feel doubly alone lately. I’m single and I think I’m the only person who owns a Bob Marley album that doesn’t smoke weed.

I may or may not sing “Call Me Maybe” at karaoke in the style of Snarf from Thundercats.

The thing I hate most about politics is that if you legitimately care about your country and want to help it but the cutthroat nature of it prevents you from doing jack shit. And this is because of both sides bickering.  The only thing they all agree on is getting pay increases.

I sort of want to be in a reality show.  And by that I mean I’d like to have a show about my life and not be in the cast of one of those Jersey Shore “did you piss in my food” type reality shows.

What if you met a girl on the internet and you fell in love with her and then when you met her in real life you learned that she was really a butterfly who had spent the past few months flying from key to key in order to win your heart and then the butterfly convinced you to reciprocate the love?  Would you crush the butterfly with a flyswatter or with your bare hands?

I watch a lot of commercials and I notice that whenever someone uses hair conditioner they move in slow motion.  I use conditioner all the time but I never move in slow motion.  Maybe it’s because I’m fat and am already slow or maybe I haven’t quite gotten down lather, rinse,and repeat.

I think my only hope at this time to fall in love is to find someone who is deathly afraid of dying alone and propose a contract of marriage and then…BOOM…no longer alone.

99 cents for a bag of Skittles?  You almost caught me, Walmart.  I know there is this thing called sales tax.  Welcome to Obama’s America.

Why is it called a hamburger if there’s no ham in it?  I could totally be an 80s comedian but I’d need a mullet and shoulder pads in my shirts.

Whenever I hear someone talk about Bible verses I think they’re saying “versus” so I start thinking of the Bible vs. Mike Tyson.

When you can’t find a parking space in a parking lot it should be called a parking little.

A friend of mine got a job writing sheet music for a movie soundtrack.  When he told me I said“Score!”  He laughed uncomfortably.

People with big Eggos are waffle people.

Look, I’m not saying you NEED to or HAVE to but if you ever need to dump a dead hooker’s body, Arizona is the best bet.

Since when is a thesaurus not a dinosaur?  IF we told kids they were then they would use them more often.

I think what would heal all America’s ills is a bill that would require all pornos to include the line “Do you want fries with that,” after every money shot.

American may be falling apart politically and financially but at least we have the most swag.

How can anyone hate animals? I don’t get it.  Well…except platypuses.  Those things are creepy and shit.  Fuck platypuses.

Sorry I haven’t been getting these out.  I’m just too horny for blogging.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

All I want in a relationship is cuddling, making out,watching Netflix, rough sex, and to be left alone while I watch ESPN or read.

Love is essentially an addiction to another person and if Dr. Drew and science have taught me anything it’s that addiction is never a good thing.

I just heard some disturbing news.  Brace yourselves.  There are no longer any toys at the bottom of cereal boxes.  I know.  This is awful.  Kids should just hurl themselves off the nearest cliff because their childhood is obviously ruined.

I just saw a movie trailer with Vin Diesel in it that wasn’t a Fast and Furious movie.  I am so confused now.  It’s a remake of a movie that Vin Diesel starred in years ago and Vin Diesel is playing the same character in the same role with the same lines. GIVE HIM THE OSCAR NOW!

Never underestimate the power of boobs.

People sometimes inquire about my sexuality.  I guess it’s best described as “I want to kiss girls and totally get drunk and dry hump but no one wants to kiss or dry hump me. What the hell is wrong with you assholes?”

I love checking my text messages to make sure I keep having none.

Did parents have to pay tuition to send their children to Hogwarts?  Or was there an underfunded and ignored public magic school that never got talked about?

I remember the first time I was exposed to incense.  I went into a hippie shop and asked what thatsmell was and they said incense.  So I bought some and when I got home my mom asked what that smell was and since I just learned I mispronounced it and said incest.

My dad hated me as a child. He’d make me stick my finger in the light socket as a form of punishment and then he’d say, “You’re grounded now.” He always kept current with forms of torture.

Is a blowjob really asking for much?  Apparently it is if you’re at Burger King.

I get so upset whenever I hear that Blurred Lines song.  It’s not because I hate the song it’s because whenever I hear it I’m expecting to see a 1970s sitcom about an African American family struggling to make ends meet.

It’s way easier remembering the name of people’s pets than their names.

I’m not a mourning person. People die all the time.

The closest Burger King to me is sort of like Cheers.  The only thing is there are more mentally challenged people and crazy homeless people hanging out there and then I’m Norm.

I saw a beautiful girl on a Razor Scooter and wear Crocs.  I’m questioning everything I know and believe right now.

What’s the difference between sex and gender?  One of them is a sin.  Sorry ladies. That joke brought to you by the He-Man Woman Haters Evangelical Foundation.

People think it’s dangerous that I wear headphones while I ride my bike in the country.  If they only knew that I listen to mp3 loops of traffic noise and sirens.  It sure beats the sound of nothing and the Amish.

Why don’t they make Playboy a 300 page book so us guys can call it a romance novel?

I don’t get why women get offended when you ask them their age and get angry when you forget their birthdays.

Any pizza is a personal pizza if it murdered your family and you’re seeking revenge.

I’m starting to eat healthier.  I no longer lick the cheese off the wrapper on my fast food burgers.

Since I’m fat I like to pretend to get drunk after one drink so people call me a lightweight.

Remember when Xanga was fun? No?  Good!  You’ve freed yourself from the lies.

It seems like everywhere you go people look for reasons to shit on one another and I know it’s not exclusive to Xanga but it used to be so obvious here.

The most disgusting thing I’ve seen on Xanga are posts that say, “If you’re friends with ______ or ______ then you can’t be my friend.”  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?!?!?  I’ve seen kids on playgrounds act more civilized than that. I’ll do you a favor and block you so you don’t have to worry about any of my friends being icky for you.  And besides that, if you are so “open minded” why are you only wanting people to have one belief?

Xanga is a playground for psychologists.

“You know what we need more of on Xanga?  Drama.” –No one. Ever.  Knock it off and grow the fuck up.

New Xanga motto: “Xanga is a place where people express their opinion and others claim they don’t give a fuck but they write rant after rant against the person’s opinion and they still claim not to give a fuck and no one seems to really pay attention or care.”

New Xanga motto: “Xanga: Do you have a social disorder?  Are you socially awkward?  Do you have no friends other than your household pets?  Is online dating your only option?  Do we have a site for you?  Come to Xanga and be a star.”

AOL is in talks to purchase Xanga.  They want to merge so all their users can have one place to gather.  This will double the amount of users to 48.

What did annoyingly opinionated people do before they were allowed to reply to posts, pulses, and comments on Xanga?

If Xanga didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now?  I bet it would be masturbating.

I’m actually really glad I am a Xanga user because there is no greater joy than knowing someone is willing to listen and readily laughs at some of my dumbest thoughts.

ok I see how it is

so about xanga 2…how do you participate if you didn’t pledge?

I got sunburn on my left arm today and I didn’t even drive anywhere.  It was the half of me that is white so I guess that means I’m fully Native American now.  No clue.  Crap it’s my good arm too.  Well I guess it’s off to bed.

These are movie names that could describe what it’s like when you take a poop

1.  Twister
2.  Operation Dumbo Drop
3.  Remains of the Day
4.  Children of the Corn
5.  The Blob
6.  Grease
7.  Titanic
8.  The Rock
9.  Clear and Present Danger
10.  Tremors
11.  Splash
12.  Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
13.  The Fast and the Furious
14.  Little Giants
15.  Run Silent Run Deep
16.  Crimson Tide
17.  Back Draft
18.  What Lies Beneath
19.  Major Payne
20.  Deep Impact
21.  The Great Escape
22.  The Right Stuff
23.  The Never Ending Story
24.  Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
25.  Misery
26.  Blazing Saddles
27.  Stuck on You
28.  Big Trouble in Little China
29.  The Natural
30.  Every Which Way but Loose
31.  A Star is Born
32.  The Accidental Tourist
33.  Blast from the Past
34.  Exit Wounds
35.  Waiting to Exhale
36.  Legends of the Fall
37.  Strange Brew
38.  Stand and Deliver
39.  Something Wicked This Way Comes
40.  True Grit
41.  Extreme Measures
42.  No Way Out
43.  Down to You
44.  The Unsinkable Molly Brown
45.  Scent of a Woman
46.  The Big Red One
47.  Something’s Gotta Give
48.  Hope Floats
49.  Born Free
50.  The Big Squeeze

Grapefruit are such a turn-on

The Vikings’ Super Bowl wins are just like 7-Up…Never Have, Never Will

#6 – Most “Stupid Quotes” of any Congress, ever
#5 – Redefined “Obstructionism”
#4 – Made the phrase “Batshit crazy” mainstream
#3 – Drew a paycheck
#2 – Attempted to repeal one law, FORTY times, unsuccessfully
#1 Got the most hemorrhoids from sitting on their collective asses

Doctor Who is awesome

If I want to go to jail, this will be my Halloween costume.

Well it’s not a family if that is for a member of the British royal family….the lot of inbreeds.

Yeah, you’d need a bottle of Jack that big to get past the fact that you’re boning a relative.

Why isn’t this a show?

Just like T-Rex, Guy Fieri can only see movement.  Don’t take a bite of those fries or he’ll be in there and frost your tips and then make you eat spicy dessert pizza.

XANGA!

Have a wonderful time!

שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל יהוה אֱלֹהֵינוּ יהוה אֶחָד

why aren’t you here?