Anonymous asked: age, name, etc. we know nothing bout u

I am always wary of talking about myself.  I just find it difficult to do in a serious fashion.  I also am cautious as to what I say because on my previous blog I shared a bunch of personal “stuff” and was met with comments by people saying they didn’t care about that and wanted me to make with the funny. 

Basically my name is Matt.  I’ve lived mostly on this planet for some 30+ years.  I went to Lutheran grade school, high school, and college.  I was an ordained minister for a handful of years.  I taught religion in a Lutheran high school and part of what I had to teach was sex education.  That was the most difficult thing I’ve ever taught.  It was strange hearing students ask, “Mr. Awesome, do blowjobs count as sex?”  “Mr. Stupendous, is S&M sinful?”  “Mr. Coolness, did Jesus get boners?” 

After a budget cut my position was terminated and I saw that the true God of the Christian church is the dollar.  I live in Wisconsin.  I wear a size 17 shoe.  I have high blood pressure.  I’m fat.  I have an unknown illness.  The doctors can’t pin down what I have and it’s frustrating.  At my tallest I was 6’4”.  I was in a car accident while student teaching.  I rolled off a 30 foot cliff.  I don’t know how many times my car rolled because the first time I went upside down I was knocked out.  I woke up about a half hour later hanging upside down.  My seatbelt saved me.  The only part of the car roof that wasn’t completely crushed was where I was sitting.  After the accident I am only 6’2”.  I have trust issues in relationships because a girl I thought was my soulmate cheated on me and got pregnant and then tried to pin the baby on me.  I also have commitment issues because my last serious girlfriend was killed in a car accident and I feel that if I get close to someone they will either cheat on me or be taken away.  I used to be able to slam dunk a basketball on a standard size hoop.  The weekend before Christmas 2012 I dislocated my knee and it was extremely painful and I still experience pain.  I enjoy alcohol but I rarely drink any more.  I can’t remember my last drink.  I once had many piercings.  The two strangest piercings were my eyebrow and penis.  I took to piercings because I am allergic to most tattoo ink.  I have a fear of birds that developed when I was 8 or 9.  My family went on vacation and while in Sault St. Marie, MI seagulls divebombed me and crapped all over me.  My aunt and uncle also raised parrots and they let them fly around their house and those flying rats always swooped at my head.  My favorite U.S. president is James K. Polk, not because of his mistreatment of indigenous peoples but because he actually accomplished everything he set out to accomplish in four years so he didn’t pursue another term.  I wish more presidents did that but because of the Senate and Congress and money it will never happen.  While in college I was in choir for 7 semesters.

Do you need any more?