August 29, 2013

• Jesus, Jesus, Only Jesus can My Heartfelt Longing Still

  Jesus...cultural icon...dj...homeboy...movie star...athlete?  So I was recently and reluctantly surfing the worldwide web and I happened across a catholic goods site that sells inspirational statues for children.  They are athletic statues of our Lord and Savior.
  
  Here we see Jesus teaching kids how to hit a hanging curveball.  I wonder if Jesus pitched for the Chicago White Sox and refused to hit an opposing batter with a pitch, would Ozie Guillen pull him out of the game.  Probably not, because Jesus would give Ozzie a sermon on the mound and teach Ozzie that the meek are blessed and not the blood-thirsty hate-filled managers of the American League.
  
  Jesus is playing soccer.  Afterall, it is the most popular sport in the world.  Many Americans, mostly NASCAR fans, would probably be upset with Jesus for playing soccer but Jesus doesn't headbutt people like Zidane.
  

  
  Here Jesus is running a relay race.  I wish Jesus was my track coach way back when I was able to run.  He is the Son of God so how fast is he?  I'm sure he is exerting no effort keeping up with these kids and he is only wearing sandals, but the question still remains...how fast was Jesus?  Some things the Passion of the Christ just did not answer.  Maybe Mel Gibson can make a sequel to the passion and incorporate a sequel to White Men Can't Jump and add a dash of Schindler's List...he could call it...Jews Can Run but Not Malibu because Mel Gibson Runs Malibu.
  
  I always thought hockey was about fighting and losing teeth.  Apparently not when Jesus is your coach.  It's strange but no one seems happy in this statue.  Maybe Jesus is focused on his return to the NHL where he can square off against his archenemy Satan...Miroslav Satan that is formerly of the Boston Bruins.  Here he is...oh he looks evil!
  

  
  Tennis, anyone?  Well, sure, anything for Jesus!  Did you know the only time I've been in love is when I play tennis.  I bet few will get that.
  
  Jesus presents Swan Lake
  
  Jesus is playing golf with a girl.  Jesus doesn't discriminate even if "GOLF" stands for "Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden".
  
  Kung-fu Jesus, omnipotent Sensei.  I wonder if Jesus would teach me the Five-Point Palm exploding heart technique.
  
  Jesus the downhill skier.  Wow!  I've heard it gets cold up in the mountains but Jesus warms everyone with his love.
  
  Extreme sports Jesus!  Isn't there something in the Bible about putting God to the test?
  
  Jesus the gymnastics coach.  I can't see Jesus being as mean and hateful as the United States gymnastics coach that calls his scrawny gymnasts fat to get them motivated to win the gold.  With Jesus you are always a medal winner. 
  
  Give up the rock, Jesus!  Ha ha...I used to play that joke on my cousins when I was taller and they were shorter.  It was always fun to see them get frustrated at me for holding the ball in the air higher than they could reach.  Maybe this is just the tip-off.
  
  Jesus playing football the way it was meant to be played...on the ground.  Jesus knows the running game is what football is all about and here Jesus is running the option to perfection.  How can you tackle our Lord and Savior?  You can't because Jesus will either run through you, juke you, or pitch the ball. 

  So don't think I am going to hell because I thought this collection was different in a unique way and wanted to add some good-hearted Christian humor to the statues....oh who am I kidding?  I'm going to hell because I thought these statues were the strangest thing I've seen since this:
  

  • 4:06 PM
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