I was actually planning on a caturday post but I was introduced to Sprecher hard root beer

In case any of you had any questions about who I am/was.  I was recently asked on Tumblr to write something about myself and here’s what I wrote.

Have you ever had a revelation about the future of your life at an inopportune time and then resigned yourself to the fact that this would happen?  Well today I was listening to this show on satellite radio that was about strippers and face sitting.  The host was describing this one stripper’s butt and then revealed that he could see her vagina and then he started to describe the outline of her vagina and before he knew it she took off her panties to show him.  Well I was fully erect and enjoying that feeling because it has been a while and then I realized I’m going to die alone.

I was doing some renovations in my bathroom the other day.  I was caulking around my bathtub and I sneezed and somehow got caulk in my mouth.  Never call Poison Control asking if it’s bad to have caulk in your mouth.  They’ll hang up on you.

I was gone for a while the other night and I found that my cats had tore open and destroyed a bag of catnip.  I knew they were high when they came bounding down my stairs and greeted me with “Like, meow, man.”

One of the reasons I sleep so much is that my dreams are better than my real life.

Hunting is one of the only sports that one of the contestants doesn’t know it’s participating.

Girls don’t like nerds. I have to face facts.  These Magic: The Gathering cards aren’t going to get my dick sucked.

The best type of chicks are the ones who get offended at being called chicks.  I remember a friend who called a girl a chick and she had a mental breakdown and started screaming that she wasn’t a chicken and then she started clucking.  People had to drag her away.  That was the greatest thing I ever saw at church.

It’s been really hard to gain eprops in this economy.

One of my dreams as a kid was that I’d become a despotic ruler and conquer a people and use the skull of one of their leaders as a bowl to drink and eat things out of.  Sigh…I guess there’s still time to achieve my dreams.

I tend to judge people based on how they hang their toilet paper on the roll.  And also how uptight they are because I break into their houses in the middle of the night to find out how they hang their toilet paper.

Did you know President Obama was born on August 6^th1961?  It’s very strange because August +4 + 1 + 96+ 1 = 420.  420!  I don’t think Barack will be able to sweet talk his way out of this one.  Man, I have to quit writing these after smoking weed because for a while there I thought “August” was a number.

Vegans are calling people who eat meat “blood mouths”.  One of my exgirlfriends called me that and refused to kiss me because of it.

A woman I know got wooden breast implants.  This joke doesn’t have a punchline but it would be funny if there was one, wooden tit? Also I ate two pieces of string this afternoon and two hours later they came out tied together.  I shit you knot.

You know some days I can crank out these jokes like a factory using illicit Chinese child labor but then there are some days where my joke writing is like a factory in the United States where the union is on strike.

I’m sort of worried when the next generation starts running for high office.  Imagine the scandals because of all the Facebook fights and nude pics that got traded.  God bless America.

You know in 2016 it’s going to be pretty interesting to see how the Republicans will act when the Democrats throw out a white guy for president.  It seems like their big strategy is talking down the President because he and his wife are black Muslim terrorists from Kenya.  How are they going to handle a dude that looks like them?  Will both sides actually have to discuss the issues?

I got escorted out for my Fozie Bear impression, consisting of me telling bad jokes and wearing nothing but a hat and tie.  That was the absolute worst Subway restaurant ever.  I’m never going back there because they are so judgmental and seriously that 6 inch sandwich has to be longer than six inches.

A friend once told me there was nothing better in this world than holding his girlfriend’s hand in his hand. I said, “Shit, son, you’ve never been to a Chinese restaurant when they bring out fresh crab rangoons.”  Is there any wonder why I’m single?

I hate how they have special parking spots for environmentally friendly cars.  I’ll just park my SUV in one and leave it running with the air conditioner on and the windows running while I go shopping at Walmart.

Imagine yourself playing hockey and someone from the other team comes up and checks you so hard it knocks you down and then you realize you’ve lost your front teeth.  You are bleeding profusely and see all the blood on the ice along with your teeth.  Then the guy who knocked them out comes and skates to you and stops sending ice in your face.  You realize it’s your dentist and he says to you, “That wouldn’t have happened if you flossed more.”  Then he skates off into the sunset laughing maniacally.

Why do they call it “Adult Swim” when you have to be 12 to get the humor on some of the shows?

Does anyone remember Tim Tebow?  ESPN hasn’t reported on him in 15 seconds so he must be dead.

People ask me how I am so funny.  Simple answer is I think of something dumb and then I say it.

I sort of wish people dated like birds.  Like if I wanted a girl I’d dress in bright colors and dance to get her attention. Man, if only I had a time machine to travel back to the 80s.

No, I can’t help you with your taxes but if you ever need to know the order of the U.S.presidents or the capitals of the states in the U.S., I’m your man.

I want a love story similar to Cloverfield.  Someone would risk their life while a giant monster ravages the city to come find me. I doubt people would come looking for me if they were suffering from something like a hangnail or papercut.

Whatever happened to the Occupy movement?  Did they go home to occupy their own streets?

I can’t believe it’s 2013 and we can’t print out or instantly get the food we see on the internet. I blame Obama.

Meryl Streep is such a phenomenal actress.  She could play the Hulk and you’d believe it.  She could play Obama and make it believable.  She could be the Little Mermaid and we’d lavish her with awards. She could play my mom and then I’d actually love her.  Meryl could portray a rock and her performance would bring me to tears.  She could play me and do a much better job being me than me.

I still think the reason my love life is in shambles is because I never forwarded any of those chain emails.

If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.

You are going to love all the 9/11 and Japanese earthquakes jokes I’ll be able to post in 2015 when we can laugh at that stuff.

There used to be a store in these parts called Crazy Frank's. Now it's just called Frank's. He got his prescription filled.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I just got kicked out of the casino. I was playing roulette and got in an argument over what was an odd number. 26 is weird to me.

Chris Brown recently announced that he was quitting the music business because of the negative public opinion of him.  In other news, sales of tiny violins are skyrocketing.

I have been bouncing theories about a potential connection between The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad all over the internet today.  The worst theory I’ve heard are what my cats had to say…meow.

Two paraplegics got into an argument at an impotency clinic today.  It’s OK though, there’s no hard feelings between them.

If Dr. Who is a guy who rarely wears pants or shirts during the summer and has random food stuck in his chest hair then I’ll be the perfect choice for the 13^th Doctor.

Speaking of Dr. Who, I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

I told my neighbor he should name his dog Anthony Weiner because whenever I’m outside watering my plants the dog rolls over and shows me his junk.

You should always shoot for the stars because even if you miss them they are dead by the time their light reaches us.

I’m convinced that Jim Gaffigan is actually Phillip Seymour Hoffman merely acting like a buffoon.

When I was in kindergarten I was disappointed when we had afire drill.  I was expecting this badass drill that shot out fire but all I got was walking in a single file line to the end of the playground.

I need to get laid and by “laid” I mean having an intimate experience with someone I care very much about.

I’ve decided I want to be cremated but not when I die.  Just surprise me whenever.  I like surprises.

I believe that in the Bible they mention that Jesus had brothers and sisters and in fact there was a theory that he had a brother named James.  Could you imagine having to live up to your brother and also what would those Christmas letters be like?  “Oh and our son Jesus is the Savior of all of mankind and our son James is attending Jerusalem community college and has apart-time job at Frank’s Falafel Hut.”

I relate to Dale Gribble in so many ways.

Who wants to go down to my town’s lake and do some naked fishing but forget the fishing part?

I don’t really like when people say, “I’m colorblind and I don’t care if a person is white, black, red, yellow, or purple.”  YOU SHOULD FUCKING CARE IF A PERSON IS PURPLE!  It means they’re probably choking and need the Heimlich Manuever.

Who needs the bank when you have a locker at work?

I can tell if a girl is into me just by chatting with her online and giving her my credit card number.

How does my house have so many fruit flies?  I’m not growing fruit in here.

I cut caffeine out of my diet and recently I drank half a bottle of Dr. Pepper.  It kept me up all night.  I didn’t sleep for almost 48hours.  The good news is that I’m now able to do a backflip on my neighbor’s kid’s BMX.

If Jurassic Park existed I’d probably go to it but I’d never go to Jurassic Park 2 or Jurassic Park 3.  Those places were totally lame.

I’m glad the thing about getting an STD from a toilet seat is a myth because I have sex with so many toilets and wearing a condom totally takes away from the sensation.

People tell me that I have a warm heart.  It’s probably because of my high cholesterol and blood pressure.

I’ve been taking a Statistics class because I thought it would be exciting and fun just like the trailer for Moneyball but instead it’s been long and painfully boring just like the movie Moneyball.

The 10^th person to recommend this post gets an expired coupon for Burger King.

Before I had Xanga, I used to make jokes on the CB radio…over.

Xanga has a way of making me feel like I’m not the only guy sitting at home staring at a computer screen wearing nothing but underwear.

I just did a profile on eHarmony and my results came back: “No matches found.  Go back to Xanga and masturbating.”

I wonder how much weight I would lose if Xanga was considered exercise

“I can’t wait until I become famous and make millions of dollars because of my Xanga.” -Morons

Xanga is a great place to worry about how all the people we don’t know will judge us.

People have Xanga crushes on everyone who isn’t me.

All my snobbiness aside, it is pretty shitty when you block someone on Xanga because they like Nickelback, wear Crocs, or have different political views than you.

I may not have thousands of friends on Xanga or hundreds of commenters but I’m thankful for those I have because you put up with all my shit.

Hey Xanga, you better stop being dead and go wish @leaflesstree a happy birthday

I was out today and my cats destroyed a bag of catnip. I knew they were high when they greeted me with "Like, meow, man."

I was originally going to title this one "Tales of an Enlarged Prostate" but I was voted down.  In other news, you now know what I've been up to.

Why is it that chickens are the only acceptable animal to eat before they’re born and after they’re dead?

I am single and ready to Christian mingle.

I imagine the day we drown our robot masters after they become self-aware will look an awful lot like synchronized swimming

Since I am alone and looking for fun, I’m going to buy some parrots and teach them every curse word in the book so that way they’ll start shouting out their curses and my neighbors will call the police thinking I’m having a fight with another human.  The police will visit my house investigating a domestic disturbance.  Hopefully the police officer is a lady cop.

I’ve had dreams of my death lately.  I die of a stroke while listening to The Strokes.  I usually say, “Oh my gosh,this is totally ironic.”  Everyone around me hears, “GURGLEAHWOADFASNKLFAU” because I’m having a stroke.

I know I make a lot of typos in these posts.  I usually blame it on how when you paste inan MS Word doc into the text editor a lot of the words get bunched together.  The thing is I’m always multitasking.  Typing and being awesome is a difficult thing to balance.

I just got really depressed and started crying for the strangest reason ever.  I will never fart in a wedding dress.

I sometimes get the feeling that Fifty Shades of Grey was written by the high school counselor on Freaks and Geeks.  Oh in other news, I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey.

Most of Amsterdam smells like what mine and my brother’s room would smell like after we watched Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon. Yeah it got so bad because I didn’t have a brother.

I’m trying to figure out how I can get one of those Miley Cyrus or Ryan Seacrest jobs where you’re paid just to exist.

I have a Wikipedia page and I edited my nickname to be Axel Hardcock and my source is “your mom”.

I think the reason so many radical feminists hate men is because there’s never a line for the men’s room.

When I say, “I feel you,” I mean that I feel your vibes on a deep and spiritual basis like as if we are connected and I’m fingering your soul.

The head of lettuce that I’ve stored in my refrigerator was so wet I could only assume it was looking at naked photos of me.

If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry.  2.  It will never happen again.  3.  #1and 2 are lies.  4.  You should get off the internet.

If you ever feel that you can’t like up to others’ expectations, try walking a mile in Doug Pitt’s shoes.

If I ever re-post jokes from older posts don’t get offended.  I recycle jokes because Al Gore said something about reducing my humor footprint.  He even made a cute PowerPoint about it.  It won him a middle school science fair blue ribbon.

Things I like about fall: leaves change color, rain, cloudy skies, hoodies, hot apple cider, pumpkin patches, Halloween, and the fact that when you step outside it doesn’t feel like you walked right into Satan’s asshole.

I’ve found that the best way to get people to follow the Bible is to write verses in blood on their doors.  Who knew pig’s blood could be such a powerful motivator?

I was thinking of starting a challenge here.  If you pick any Disney animated character and search through Google images with the character’s name and Rule 34 and you don’t find any porn then you win the internet.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were woken up by someone breaking into your house and your leg had fall asleep so you’d have to get away with a gimpy leg?  These are things that keep me up at night making sure all my guns are loaded and my legs don’t fall asleep.

I was listening to Hoarders and the woman was so pathetic.  I just wish I could see what she looks like but these old newspapers, Pepsi cans, liquor bottles, baby dolls, and plastic bags are blocking my TV.

My “walk of shame” is when I walk back to the McDonald’s counter and order two McDoubles to go.  Like I’m fooling anyone into thinking that I’m going to eat them later.

I was thinking I should do more sex jokes but sex jokes aren’t funny, I mean, cum on people!

A lot of people have told me that The Shining is a horror movie.  I never saw it as something scary.  The scariest thing about that movie was the carpet patterns.  Yes, that was a carpet pattern comment!  Take that for what you will but I love women.

There is nothing better than when a love song plays during a fight scene in an action movie because you know that something big is going to happen and by big it usually involves boobs.

I think we should all join together and bully bullying until it kills itself and then we start bullying the people who claim to be open-minded but won’t listen to or recognize other people’s opinions.

I sometimes pretend to like bands just to seem cool and impress people.  I would always drop the line, “But their older stuff was much better”. And that always made people think I was a true fan.  So now you can use that bit of information to impress people.

Yeah, I’m eating a sandwich on the couch.  Yeah, the crumbs are falling into the cracks between the cushions.  Yeah, bugs aregoing to come because they’re attracted to those crumbs.  No, I don’t care because I’m punk.  Now to go pay my bills in a timely manner.

Have you ever wondered how celebrities date?  Do they just go up to each other and say,“I’m a fan of your work,” and then they bang? Where do I sign up?

I forget, is it good or bad when your poop sinks to the bottom of the toilet?  Like you needed to finish what you were eating.

I put a slice of baloney in my DVD player and it started playing Babe.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I think the best way women can password protect everything so their male significant others can’t access their accounts is to use your birthday as the password.

I never quite understood the Jedi mind.  It’s weird that a Jedi can detect a planet being blown up on the other side of the galaxy but he can’t tell he’s kissing his sister.

My girlfriend told me she’s more comfortable making eye contact with me when she’s giving me a blowjob than when she’s trying to tell me about how her day went.

Netflix recommended I watch a movie called “Fortress of the Bears”.  Netflix doesn’t know me at all.  I think it’s time we broke up.

Am I horrible person for finding humor in the TV show “Little People, Big World” being sponsored by The Smurfs movie?

The sound of a cat vomiting is nature’s worst alarm clock.

I want to put this whole Paula Deen thing behind us by saying “fuck Paula Deen” but I think that would get people to want to do a remake of “Last Tango in Paris”.

I’ve been thinking of writing a lesbian romantic comedy screenplay.  I’m tentatively calling it “Paula and Paula”.  It’s going to be about a comedian who is trying to jump start her career and life after being accused of child molestation by cooking all the recipes of a Southern cook who has been accused of racism.  Then they meet and hilarity and love and the Ku Klux Klan ensues.

I don’t get how people compare porn stars being rich despite free porn on the internet to bands being rich despite free downloading of music on the internet.  Have you heard of concerts and touring?  When was the last time you went to a porn concert?

I always hate when people see when you have a black eye and ask if you got in a fight and then say they’d hate to see the other guy.  I usually say, “Well it wasn’t a fight and you’d hate to see the other person because it was a girl.  This is a hickey and I got laid.  I’m into some freaky-deaky shit.”

If infinite parallel universes exist then there’s a universe where infinite parallels don’t exist and also one where my head just exploded.

Who died and made you Batman?  Oh wait…sorry for your loss.

I can’t believe how awful our school system is.  They don’t even teach the metric system.  How are children going to know how much a buttload is?  How are they to know how to convert a hella to a shit-ton?

I always enjoy when I hear people say, “I’m not racist because I have black friends.”  Well I’m not sexist because I have a mom.

When I go to the barber and he gets to my sideburns he always asks how I want them and I always say, “Covered with lady thighs.”  One day he’s going to cut off my ears.

Just like love and diamonds, Lyme’s disease is forever.

I love the Friday the 13^th movie series.  Part four is subtitled “The Final Chapter”and there are 6 movies after it.

I’m pretty sure MILF stands for “Mailman I’d Like to Fondle”and that LGBT stands for “Luigi Goomba Bowser Toad”.

I bet that the children of Pompeii were playing “The Floor is Lava”moments before that shit went down. What…too soon?

My best cure for a hangover is watching The Hangover movies.

Guess what everyone…I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP!  Carbs and I are planning on moving in together soon.

Not only did the Pope recently say he can’t judge homosexuals who seek out God, he also said it was totally cool if you wrote “balls” on someone’s head if they pass out before 11 because that means they’re a total lightweight.

“You haven’t seen “Orange is the New Black”?” is the new “you haven’t see “The Wire”?”.

After watching "Orange is the New Black" I think my new pick-up line is "I'd throw my pie for you."

I take my concussions like I take my coffee: hot dog piano cuff links.

Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talents.  Ladies, did you know I’m a superhero in my spare time?  My name is Captain Cunnilingus.

Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, and Mao Zedong walk into a bar and millions of people die.

“John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” is a song that’s really about identity theft.

Ladies with small breasts please know that you are appreciated.  Petite breasts are so nice,cute, great, and pretty.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  You can always send me photos if you want to know if your breasts are appreciated.

Next thing you know people are going to tell me that the girl from Die Antwoord isn’t Dakota Fanning. Please!  I know a white woman when I see one.

I like to add myself to my college’s notable alumni Wikipedia section but someone keeps taking it off.  Hey!  I once had 50 eprops on a post and none were from Malaysian trolls or my dummy accounts.

Emotions suck. Sometimes I wish I was a bagel.

I want to start a relationship with a girl and really get to know her.  Then maybe we fall in love and kiss and hug all the time.  Maybe we make love and move in together.  Then I will rob her.

I wish Xanga was like Survivor and we could vote people off the site.  Maybe that will be a feature of Xanga 2.0.

No matter how beautiful you are there’s always going to be someone out there who will find you ugly just because they have to be contrarian.  And that explains so much Xanga drama.

I think we shouldn’t date people on Xanga unless you can give that person more validation than their other Xanga friends.

I like when teenagers give advice on Datingish.  My socks have more experience than you.  Go play on a tire swing and live life before you tell others how to live

There is nothing more pussyish than blocking a Xangan and then going around Xanga telling everyone to report it.  Just keep telling yourself that you really changed the planet while you wait for President Obama to hand you the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Xanga is an awesome name for an insane asylum.

Save the vaginas

the good thing about being sick like I am is that I watched Orange is the New Black in 2 days